Bipolar Supporter Blog

Hi,

You know what a busy man I am, right? My friends are always telling me that I need to relax. My answer? I’m too busy!

But every once in a while I get to do something I love to do. And that’s hiking. I do it whenever I can get away to do it. Hiking helps me de-stress from the rest of my life. I think everyone should have something like that. Don’t you?

You’re probably wondering what all this has to do with bipolar disorder, right?

Well, I was hiking the other day and I saw this tree, and it looked really old, like it had been through a lot. Kind of like all the things you have to go through if you’re dealing with a loved one with bipolar disorder.

But it seemed so calm…

And I looked at all the branches. And they reminded me of each of the things your loved one has to do to become high functioning with bipolar disorder and what they have to do to recover. Like each branch was something else:

MEDICATION

Your loved one needs to take their medication every day religiously and as prescribed. There

are ways to learn to manage their medications if they have trouble with this, and you can help.

Check the Internet for topics on managing medications if you need to.

TREATMENT

It’s very important that your loved one attends all of their appointments – doctor, psychiatrist,

therapist, and anyone else they need to see. They also need to realize that they are a part of their own treatment team. Their doctors are not mind-readers – they only know what they’re told. Your loved one needs to notify their team if they are having any problems. You can help them see to this, or even call them yourself if necessary.

SUPPORT

Your loved one needs to have a support team in place to help them get better. You can be part of

this team (the primary supporter), but you can’t do it all yourself. If you try to, you will burn yourself out, and if you can’t take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of your loved one? That’s why it’s so important for them to have a support system – this can be made up of other family members, friends, a bipolar support group and its members, church and church members (or other affiliations), etc.

SELF-CARE

One of the most important ways you can help your loved one is to keep as stress-free an environment as possible at home. You can also help them by helping them stick to a healthy diet by what you cook. They need to exercise, which is sometimes hard for them to do, so it might help if you were to exercise with them. Sleep is very important as well. They need to keep good sleep habits. One way you can help is by being a good example. But you can also see that they go to sleep at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning.

BE SELF-PRODUCTIVE

It’s important for your loved one to be self-productive. Maybe they can still work, or maybe they lost their job due to their bipolar disorder, but they should still do something, even if they’re just on disability. They can join a bipolar support group, go to the library, meet with friends, go to family get-togethers, do projects, have hobbies, do volunteer work, work part-time, and maybe even start a home business. You can help your loved one with this by helping them put together a To-Do List each day of things they want to accomplish that day. It’s really a boost to their self-esteem when they get everything done on the list, and even if they don’t, it’s ok, they can still do it tomorrow!

The most important thing is that your loved one has a good attitude – like that tree that lasted through everything it had to go through.

What do you think?

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews551/

Here are the news headlines:

Teen brides more likely to develop mental illness; Panic disorder, depression ..
DO> Wow, isn’t this amazing?

Socially adapted people are less vulnerable to mental diseases
DO> This seems odd doesn’t it?

Pregnancy Planning for Women with Bipolar Disorder
DO> Take a look if this if you are going to have kids

Red Flags: The Common Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder
DO> You should know this by now 🙂

Educator shares pain, passion of bipolar disorder
DO> Great story, take a look.

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews551/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Have you ever had a sore that just wouldn’t heal? Or had a child who just kept picking at a

sore so that the wound wouldn’t heal, no matter how many times you told them to leave it alone?

Wounds need to be left alone to heal, don’t they? At first, there are things you can do to help

them along, but then you need to leave them alone to do the rest of the healing on their own.

But other things in life aren’t like that. Some things will get worse if you just leave them alone. They might even get “infected.” Some people think, “If I ignore this problem, it will just go away.” But, instead, it will just fester like an infected wound, and will just get worse.

Like the following Case Study:

Cindy knew Stuart had bipolar disorder before they got married, but figured it was under control,

since he hadn’t had any episodes during their relationship beforehand. Even after they were married and raising children, Stuart remained stable for many years, holding down a steady job, and being a good husband, father, and provider. Of course, there were times that Stuart would

seem depressed, sometimes even for weeks at a time, but Cindy would chalk this up to stress at

work or the stresses of parenthood and maintaining a good marriage. Stuart didn’t seem like he

wanted to talk about it, so Cindy didn’t press it. She figured if she didn’t worry it, the problem

would go away. And it seemed to, each time. So years went by with this non-communicating

style of relationship.

It was only after the kids were grown and out of the house that things got out of hand. Stuart

seemed to withdraw into himself more and more every day. He seemed to drift further and further away from Cindy, and she didn’t know what to do about it. Stuart’s depression worsened to the point that he could no longer even hold down his job. He started sleeping all the time. He stopped eating. Cindy tried talking to him, but it was like “too little too late,” and she eventually gave up even trying. Cindy didn’t know that Stuart had become so depressed that he had even given up taking his bipolar medication. She just had the attitude that he would “try to get better when he was ready,” and that she didn’t have to do anything other than what she had done all these years. She just left things alone. Like always.

Finally, when Cindy discovered that Stuart had been off his medications, she realized that he

needed help, and she put him in the hospital. It was a drastic move, but she had to do it. She was tired of watching him lay around all the time, after all. And he had stopped talking to her all together. In therapy with her husband at the hospital, Cindy was surprised to learn that she was at least half the problem. At first she was very defensive at this! How could she be the problem, when the problem was Stuart’s bipolar disorder after all? But she learned that her not talking to him, her ignoring the problem for so long had led up to his deepening depression.

She was told that there were things she could have done way before the problem got out of

control that would have stopped things from getting to this point. For example, she learned,

she should have tried harder to get Stuart to talk about what was going on with him – to share his

thoughts and feelings, instead of letting them fester inside, closing her off for so long. Cindy learned that depression can be anger turned inward, and that perhaps at least some of Stuart’s depression was anger at her, anger that should be allowed to be expressed and worked out. So, in therapy with her husband, she began a long journey of learning how to communicate with him and healing the wounds of a troubled relationship along with the strains that bipolar disorder put on it. She was finally learning how to be a good listener as well as a good bipolar supporter.

——————————————————————————————————————–

I wanted to share that Case Study with you to make sure that this doesn’t happen to you. Just ignoring the problem, or letting them go so long without talking to you, not sharing their thoughts and feelings, will only make things worse.

Don’t let them drift away or go into their own world like Stuart did. Help them to cope with

their bipolar disorder and the depression that it causes sometimes by not just being there for

them, but by actively participating in their treatment.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Today I want to talk to you about bipolar disorder and how it takes time and history to diagnose it. Many, many people have written or talked to me about how it took them a long time to get diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Even though the mental health professionals (psychiatrists, etc.) and even the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), which is the “Bible” that psychiatrists go by to diagnose bipolar disorder will tell you that it’s between ages 17-21 that you first get diagnosed with bipolar disorder, most people are NOT diagnosed between those ages. It usually takes more time than that to be diagnosed with the disorder, as most of you will attest.

Most people tell me it wasn’t until their thirties or forties that they were finally diagnosed. They tell me (most of them) that they pretty much knew that something was wrong with them long before that – usually they say that they knew it their whole lives, even.

So firstly, it takes time to be diagnosed.

Mostly because people who have the disorder usually don’t come to the doctor/psychiatrist when they are younger, because either they are scared, or they don’t want to hear the diagnosis.

Michele, who works for me wasn’t diagnosed until she was 45, but then she realized her son

was showing the same symptoms and got him diagnosed when he was 12 years old.

However, she has a 25-year-old son who secretly admitted to his girlfriend that he has bipolar disorder, but he will not go to a psychiatrist, because he doesn’t want the diagnosis confirmed.

Maybe because he’s scared, maybe because he’s seen what his mom has gone through, maybe because he knows if he goes to the doctor/psychiatrist, it will become real for him. Maybe because he knows if he gets diagnosed, he’ll be put on medication that he’ll have to take for the rest of his life.

This is called denial, and when these people who have been in denial finally do seek help, one of the things the doctor/psychiatrist will use to determine the diagnosis will be the person’s history.

The doctor/psychiatrist will not only ask for a medical history, but will want a family history as well, because research done on bipolar disorder does show a hereditary element to it, usually passed down the female side of the family, from mother to child.

So, like in Michele’s case, it was passed from her to her two sons. Even though one of them is still in denial, he will eventually have to face the truth.

So there is a time element to being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and there is also a history

element.

But what happens AFTER you’re diagnosed?

The first thing is that you have to develop a treatment plan, because without it, you will have no direction to the management of the disorder – and if you ever want to manage it (and it CAN be managed, even if there is no cure – believe me, because that’s what a lot of my advice to people is about), you must have a treatment plan.

A treatment plan usually consists of medication and therapy. Medication is SO important. Without it, there can be no stability at all. Medication helps to normalize the extremes in mood that bipolar disorder consists of. Although it may take some time to find the right medications and in the right dosages.

The treatment plan will usually consist of therapy as well – especially in the beginning, because

finding out that you have bipolar disorder may now interfere with what your life was like before.

You may even go through a “grieving process” over your past life.

So you will need therapy for all the issues that the disorder will bring into your life.

Here’s where the supporter will be such a help to you.

Supporters help their loved ones in so many ways – they will encourage you, help you learn to take your medications, go to doctor and therapist appointments, learn to de-stress your life, and help manage your disorder.

It may take time and effort to find the right treatment plan for you, but that’s also another way a supporter can help.

Most of all, a supporter can help someone with bipolar disorder to realize that they are still loved and cared for in spite of having a disorder that might otherwise cause them to feel isolated and alone.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Sometimes when children are little, their parents play the What If Game with them. It goes like this: The parent may ask little Suzy something like, “Suzy, what if you were a princess, what

would you do?” And Suzy might answer, “I’d turn a frog into a Prince and make him marry me.” A predictable answer for a little girl. But not very realistic. Or they might ask little Johnny something like, “Johnny, if you were President, what would you do?” And Johnny might answer, “I’d stop all the wars and make peace and bring all the soldiers home.” A noble answer for a little boy. But not very realistic either. That’s not what the What If Game is for. It’s for sparking imagination. At least in little children.

On the other hand… Teachers use it with their students in the following way: In math, they might ask, “What if we were to substitute the number 6 for X, what would happen then?” Or in English… “What if [this] would happen, how would that change the plot of the story?”

Even scientists can use the What If Game in their research, by doing the same thing that math teachers do… They can ask themselves, “What if… I were to exchange this value for that one… how would it change the formula and subsequently, the results of my research?” Can you see the value of that? So, even in research, the What If Game can be used positively to spark the imagination.

However, the What If Game can also be used negatively. How, you are probably asking? When it’s applied to the past. Still, you’re probably thinking, what does any of this have to do with bipolar disorder, right? Ok, you’ve been very patient, so I’ll tell you… It has to do with what I was just talking about. How the What If Game can be used in a negative way.

When you’re a supporter of someone with bipolar disorder, you very much have to deal with things as they are, and not how you would like them to be. In fact, that’s called mindfulness, a part of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is the type of therapy specifically developed for

borderline personality disorder, and which can be used to help your loved one with bipolar disorder as well. But you can learn the principle as well, as it will help you, too.

If you play the What If Game, it will only distract you from dealing with things the way you need to be dealing with them in your present everyday life. You can’t expect your loved one to be learning a principle that you yourself aren’t willing to follow, can you? And it’s easy to follow. In other words… Instead of thinking, “What if my loved one was better able to cope with their bipolar disorder by themselves, how much better my life would be?” You replace that thinking with, “How can I better cope with how my loved one’s bipolar disorder?” So you are dealing with things more realistically. Do you see what I’m getting at? Then it’s not a What If Game any more. You are looking at things with mindfulness then. You are dealing with things as they are, and not how you’d like them to be. In this way, you think about NOT how you

can change your situation, but how you can deal with things just as they are. It’s more realistic, because you realize you cannot change your loved one, but have to accept them just the way they are.

Now, this does NOT mean that you have to accept their behavior, especially when their behavior is not acceptable. You do have the right to have them take responsibility for the consequences of their behavior during bipolar episodes, for example. In other words, you should not be expected to pay these consequences for them. It’s only fair.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews550/

Here are the news headlines:

With Mental Health Drugs, Greater Risk Means More Marketing
DO>Do you agree?

Study: Getting Married Before Age 18 Linked to Psychological Problem
DO> Wow, what do you think of this?

Will Your Relatives’ Health Problems Be Passed On To You And Your Children?
DO> What do you think?

Functional Training Helps Patients With Bipolar Disorder
DO> This sounds really good, doesn’t it?

FDA Reports Serious Allergic Reactions With Saphris Use
DO> Wow, take a look a look at this.

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews550/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all

aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:

http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

I read a quote the other day that really made me think:

“Our lives improve only when we take chances – and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” – Walter Anderson (Editor, Parade Magazine)

Wow. Isn’t that profound?

So many people go around in a state of denial.

I talk to a lot of people with bipolar disorder about this, because a lot of people, when they’re told that they have bipolar disorder, go into a state of denial, saying that they don’t have it.

It’s really hard, as a supporter of a loved one who you know has bipolar disorder, to be with them when they deny that they even have the disorder.

As a supporter you need to be understanding of the stages your loved one might go through before they will accept their diagnosis.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, in her book On Death and Dying, describes 5 Stages of Grief, and only the last one is acceptance, and they apply not only to grief, but to bipolar disorder as well.

The 5 stages of grieving are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then finally, acceptance.

So denial is the first, where they don’t believe they even have the disorder.

But then they finally arrive at acceptance, and at that point they should be like the quote at the beginning of this email.

But do you know what? So should you.

Because for ALL of us, we only improve if we take chances, and if we become honest with ourselves.

If your loved one becomes honest with themselves, then they can accept their diagnosis of bipolar disorder, and then they can start learning how to manage it.

But if you can accept your role as the supporter of someone who does have bipolar disorder , then you can learn how to help them.

The biggest surprise is that you can learn to help YOURSELF!

Yeah, cause you need help just as much as your loved one does.

Even though all the attention seems to be on your loved one, you do need as much help.

But the first step for both of you is that you have to be honest with yourselves.

And like the quote says, it is a risk. It sure isn’t easy! We sometimes don’t like to look at what

we see in the mirror. But you know what? Once we can do that, change is a great thing! Our lives begin to improve! We can do things we never thought we could do before!

Like with your loved one’s bipolar disorder. Think about it. When they were first told, you may have thought it was like a death sentence or something. But here I’m telling you that it is not

only NOT a death sentence, it is a chance to GROW, to CHANGE! And that is a positive thing.

You are taking a risk staying with a loved one who has bipolar disorder. But that, too, can be a positive thing. It’s all in how you look at it.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

I got this email from a woman, and I want to share it with you because I have something important to say about it:

Dear Dave:

I am a really strong Christian, but I am about to give up on my husband. I thought I had enough

faith to get us through his bipolar episodes, but I guess I just don’t. He gets so depressed, and then he talks about suicide, and I just don’t know whether to take him seriously or not, and all I want to do is leave him but then I feel guilty just for wanting to do that.

I’m just so tired! I thought he would be the one to take care of me, but now here I am taking care of him. I read in your emails that things would get better if I just didn’t give up on him, but I’m still waiting for things to get better.

It’s been a whole month, and I haven’t seen any change – he just mopes around the house all the

time. Do you think it’s because I’ve lost my faith? Do you think this is my fault?

———————————————————————————————————————

First of all, let me say that ALL references to suicide should be taken seriously.

I get lots of emails from Christians who say a lot of the same things – supporters who are worried that it’s their fault that their loved one is not getting better as fast as they think they should be.

But let me tell you one thing for sure – your faith does not have ANYTHING to do with how fast

or slow your loved one recovers from bipolar disorder!

Now, this lady’s email does NOT say anything about her spouse’s treatment – Is he on medication? Is he going to see a psychiatrist? Is he seeing a therapist on a weekly basis? Is he in a bipolar support group? What is HE doing to help himself get better?

Being a supporter and being a Christian doesn’t mean you are expected to be the one to shoulder ALL the responsibility for your loved one’s bipolar disorder yourself. Especially if your loved one isn’t even trying. It’s not your fault if they won’t help themselves.

If that is the case here, then no wonder this poor woman is so tired!

Yes, it’s a good thing to have faith. And yes, you can have bipolar disorder and still have faith.

In fact, being a Christian and having bipolar disorder are not mutually exclusive – you can

have/be both! It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with your faith, or that you don’t have enough of it.

But remember – your loved one’s bipolar disorder is not YOUR responsibility. It is THEIRS.

You can love them…You can help them…You can even pray for them. But you can NOT do their work for them. You don’t want to get to the point where you don’t make your loved one take responsibility for their own disorder.

I do also talk about spirituality, and that praying and faith can help to keep a person’s stress level

down, and that is a good thing. So I would not say anything bad about a person’s faith. Unless that faith is causing them to use that as an excuse for their loved one.

This lady is right, I do tell people that things will get better if you hang in there with your loved one. But that is when you are BOTH working toward the same goal – when your loved one is taking their medication, going to see a therapist and psychiatrist, etc. These things don’t have anything to do with faith.

These are things that everyone who has bipolar disorder should do to get better. In this case,

faith is just icing on the cake!

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

You’ve heard the expression, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again,” right? Most people have. It means to not give up after the first time you try something and fail at it.

Sometimes we don’t get what we want out of life. Or sometimes we don’t get it the first time we try for it. Sometimes it’s because we need to wait for it. Sometimes it’s because we need to try harder. Sometimes it’s because we need to try a different way to get it. Sometimes it’s because we need to change our approach. Sometimes it’s because we need to change ourselves. Sometimes it’s because we need to change our outlook. Sometimes it’s because we weren’t realistic to start with. And sometimes it’s because it just wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes you just have to compromise. No matter how hard you wanted something to begin with, you may have to compromise and settle for something less.

In science and in math, the saying goes that the shortest distance between two points is a straight

line. But sometimes you can’t just go from point A to point B directly. Just like when I go hiking, sometimes the path meanders and takes you around curves and bends that you didn’t expect in the beginning of your journey.

So what does this have to do with bipolar disorder, you’re probably asking yourself by now, wondering if I’ve meandered off the path myself (LOL)? I’ll tell you… It has to do with your loved one trying and failing.

That’s right. What do you do when you see that your loved one is trying as hard as they can to cope with their bipolar disorder, but they still keep having problems with it, like getting depressed?

Well, first of all, you have to remember that you can’t change your loved one or make them do anything they don’t want to do (as that is enabling). But you can help them change how they cope with their bipolar disorder.

How? Well, first of all, being a good supporter means being a good example. So you first have to show them that you cope with your own problems well, which hopefully you do. And, hopefully, that you handle stress well, as that can be one of your loved one’s triggers to a bipolar episode. So if they can learn from you how to handle stress, it will help them to avoid it. And of course, you need to be loving and supportive, that goes without saying. The way to do that is to act as you would with any other friend. In other words, be your loved one’s best friend.

Be kind, be a good listener, be there for them if/when they need you, and don’t be judgmental.

They need you. They may act like they don’t need you, but they do. Just being there for them is very important. Don’t dismiss this.

They do need to keep trying, though, no matter how hard it is, no matter how many times they fail. So you need to continually offer encouragement to your loved one. Reminding them that bipolar disorder is NOT a death sentence and that although there is no cure, there is treatment and hope for recovery (stability) might help.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews549/

Here are the news headlines:

Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder: in the Office and on ‘The Street’
DO> Good concise summary of what bipolar disorder is

Ruling may Broaden Insurance Plans’ Coverage for Mental Illness
DO> Wow, what do you think of this?

Mental Health Link to Alcohol Problems
DO> I have been saying this for years…

Practical Management of Bipolar Disorder
DO> What do you think of this article?

Managing Two Lives; A Young Carer’s Experience
DO> Kind of a sad article, what do you think?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews549/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave