Hi,
I got this email from a woman, and I want to share it with you because I have something important to say about it:
Dear Dave:
I am a really strong Christian, but I am about to give up on my husband. I thought I had enough
faith to get us through his bipolar episodes, but I guess I just don’t. He gets so depressed, and then he talks about suicide, and I just don’t know whether to take him seriously or not, and all I want to do is leave him but then I feel guilty just for wanting to do that.
I’m just so tired! I thought he would be the one to take care of me, but now here I am taking care of him. I read in your emails that things would get better if I just didn’t give up on him, but I’m still waiting for things to get better.
It’s been a whole month, and I haven’t seen any change – he just mopes around the house all the
time. Do you think it’s because I’ve lost my faith? Do you think this is my fault?
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First of all, let me say that ALL references to suicide should be taken seriously.
I get lots of emails from Christians who say a lot of the same things – supporters who are worried that it’s their fault that their loved one is not getting better as fast as they think they should be.
But let me tell you one thing for sure – your faith does not have ANYTHING to do with how fast
or slow your loved one recovers from bipolar disorder!
Now, this lady’s email does NOT say anything about her spouse’s treatment – Is he on medication? Is he going to see a psychiatrist? Is he seeing a therapist on a weekly basis? Is he in a bipolar support group? What is HE doing to help himself get better?
Being a supporter and being a Christian doesn’t mean you are expected to be the one to shoulder ALL the responsibility for your loved one’s bipolar disorder yourself. Especially if your loved one isn’t even trying. It’s not your fault if they won’t help themselves.
If that is the case here, then no wonder this poor woman is so tired!
Yes, it’s a good thing to have faith. And yes, you can have bipolar disorder and still have faith.
In fact, being a Christian and having bipolar disorder are not mutually exclusive – you can
have/be both! It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with your faith, or that you don’t have enough of it.
But remember – your loved one’s bipolar disorder is not YOUR responsibility. It is THEIRS.
You can love them…You can help them…You can even pray for them. But you can NOT do their work for them. You don’t want to get to the point where you don’t make your loved one take responsibility for their own disorder.
I do also talk about spirituality, and that praying and faith can help to keep a person’s stress level
down, and that is a good thing. So I would not say anything bad about a person’s faith. Unless that faith is causing them to use that as an excuse for their loved one.
This lady is right, I do tell people that things will get better if you hang in there with your loved one. But that is when you are BOTH working toward the same goal – when your loved one is taking their medication, going to see a therapist and psychiatrist, etc. These things don’t have anything to do with faith.
These are things that everyone who has bipolar disorder should do to get better. In this case,
faith is just icing on the cake!
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
my wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. About a year and a half ago. But many years before that I would say at least 25. I thought she had bipolar disease if that’s what you want to call it. She would turn and be a different person in a second. Usually, a very mean and nasty person. So when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. The doctor tried several medications Aricept was one of them. But that was a nasty one. It made her sick throwing and diarrhea. So we were referred to a psychiatrist. I think that was the best day of my life when we went to see him right off he described Olanzapine or Zyprexa. Within three hours of taking the first pill. She was a different person. A much calmer and pleasant person. It was such a relief. Once in a while even with the medication she goes off the deep end but I can deal with that because uses the next morning when she gets up, it’s gone and she is the same person she was before. No doctor has ever diagnosed her with bipolar disease but I noticed that this medication is prescribed for that. Let him
Dear David, I am a devote Christan that suffer’s with Bipolar disorder. I’m very active in the church; and have a strong relationship with God. Even though i know that God can, and will do anyting ( healing, delverance) He has healed me. It dos’nt stop me from seeing my pysch. Doctor; or from taking my psyhc. medicaion. Until God tell’s me or my psych Doctor anything differnt I will continue to follow the regiment that I have been Blessed with. I do feel sadden by this Lady who’s going through so much with her spouse. My family had to endure alot with me before Doctor’s; and medication. God Bless!!!
a persons faith can provide them with strength and support from their congregation to better weather the hardships we face in life….a month in the course of bipolar is the blink of an eye…even most mood stabilisers take up to 6 months to see how effective they will be and what changes need to be made to the dosage….I think half the problem may be expectations that he will be springing back to his usual self…..this email isn’t about him there isn’t enough info as you say to know what the situation is…instead it is all about her….
as a carer we all must take care of ourselves in order to be able to be there to support them and our faith can help us to take care of ourselves…..it doesn’t “fix” all that we come across…..
there is a tale a man was hanging on the side of a cliff praying for help saying Lord please help me….
a man came along walking his dog and offered to get help to help pull him up to safety and the man clinging on said no no its ok the LORD WILL SAVE ME.
s second man came along with a rope and offered to help the man to safety and he said no no I am fine THE LORD SHALL SAVE ME!
and again he prayed Lord please save me help me! I have been so good and faithful a good servant to you please help….
Finally a helicopter arrived and again the man turned them away saying THE LORD SHALL SAVE ME!
and promptly slipped and fell to his death.
at the pearly gates the man asked peter…”what happened the lord was supposed to save me?” Peter said, “well we did send 2 men and a helicopter for you but you kept turning them away”
Sometimes we are the ones sent by him, sometimes we have to accept the help he sends. He has sent her to help her husband and she must have faith in him and herself that the lord would not have asked this of her if she was not capable of supporting him through this….she needs to understand that there is no quick fix with bipolar it takes time and patience…..and he will be there with his congregation for support and emotional comfort to help her through this time.
I was dignosed with bipolar disorder ( manic) 4 years ago. I had thought about suicide alot before and after I was dignosed. The very first time I attempted it I was 12. I got to a place in my life that I didn’t like or understand. Then I found my faith in God again. I have not been happier than I am today. I take no meds I don’t go to any groups or therapy. I pray everyday. My God is with me and I have no symptoms what so ever. I no longer ever entertain the idea of suicide. I hold a full time job, I cook and clean the house everyday and help the kids with homework. Before all those things seemed to hard to do and I was too tired to do it. If I had not come back to God I don’t know if I would still be here. That is why when we have bipolar disorder or taking care of someone with it we need to turn to God and he will help us out in everthing we do. Humans can not create a cure for bipolar but God can cure those who ask and live for him. I am living proof of that.
I am mother of a young adult bi-polar/add/ocd daughter with 3 month old infant with health problems….my daughter was diagnosed about 3 years ago and took medication for short while said medicine made her feel ugly. My daughter has threatened her siblings….been incarcerated due to outbursts/anger issues….run away numerous times. While in hospital after baby came she was put on antidepresants and took them about 2 weeks then quit….she’s once again run away and took baby with her. The baby needs surgery and I am at my wits end. Our daughter is manipulative and uses people….to give her things n feelsorry for her….she tells us we are crazy ones….and has called police on us. My concern now is not for her but for baby. We(grandparents) were doing 75-80 percent of baby care as he’s been in /out hospital 3 times since birth….what can we do? How do we deal? No one understands or will help! I am at my wits end….can’t eat or sleep worrying…
Dear Dave, My Dad was a Minister in a very legalistic religion and back in the late 1950’s was diagnosed with what they then referred to as manic-depression aka bipolar disorder. He was scared of being put in an institution, so he kept it a secret many, many years! In fact, he and my Mom were married over 35 years before she even knew! She knew he was a little different because they could go from rags to riches to rags all in 1 day!!! Fast forward to my early adulthood. I was diagnosed as bipolar in my 20’s and attempted suicide several times due to rapes by a relative much older than me but I kept that a secret ‘cos I was so ashamed. Maybe though, had we known about my Dad’s illness, I could’ve been helped much sooner instead of waiting so long for a diagnosis. The religion/cult I was in blamed its victims even though obviously it is the pedophile that should ALWAYS be blamed and it totally ruined me emotionally, mentally as well as spiritually. I am 50 yrs old now and have probably been in therapy 25 years and still am every week. I am only on 2 mental meds which is better than I have ever done before. Also, I left that religion/cult I was in over 45 years of my life and found my spirituality once again and am happy for the first time in my life. I have learned that nothing that happened to me was ever my fault and that God loved me despite what had happened to me and I had no reason to feel filthy or dirty because I did nothing wrong! Also, I never did blame God, but I did blame the religious leaders of my church because they humiliated me when I confided confidentially in them regarding the abuse and they blamed me for my rapes and it hurt me terribly. They ended up finding out about my Dad’s mental illness also and took all his responsibilities away from him and he just gave up then and died because it had meant everything to him to help others and being thru what he had helped him to relate to many suffering people and he did help many but he had to break down a lot of doors to keep moving forward and then it all came crashing down and almost overnight his life was just over and he felt like he didn’t matter and he just quit living anymore and just gave up! Keep up your good work because you do help a lot of people like me and I, in turn, help others myself. Keep the faith and so will I! AMEN BROTHER!! lol
My husband, who has bipolar disorder, does everything right. He sees his doctor, he takes his medication, he eats well, he gets lots of exercise, and he does everything he can to fight this horrible disease. Still, we take frequent rides on the “crazy train”. It’s easy to say that if you just hang in there and do everything right, things will get better, but sometimes it’s just not possible for this disease to be overcome. We are in the process of separating because we cannot break the death grip of this terrible disease. His doctor says that this is as good as it gets, but he still has terrible episodes in which he becomes horribly suspicious, inappropriate with other women, depressed, angry, irrational, and incredibly hurtful. Bipolar disease is a parasite that attempts to kill its host, and I have lost my marriage to that parasite. Prayer helps me to get through this, but my husband doesn’t believe in God anymore. I refuse to believe that the loving God I believe in has anything to do with my husband’s disease; my God is simply giving me the strength to get through this.
Christian
This is unique! wow I have never heard of a case like this Christian Friend but I guess even the strongest people on Earth need help. Your advices are such a strength for the rest of us driving towards “Skyline” — it’s a bit of torture but if we take our medications (acceptance every day) we’ll arrive with SMILES on our faces whether the “trying” person in our lives are a spouse, a child, family ………………. or complete strangers!
God Speed – best rest assured it is the faith that will help us arrive to our destinations
I am going to be 50 in December, female, married for 20 years to the same man, with a grown son just starting college. I am a Christian, and am also Bipolar, OCD, and have Asperger’s to boot. Have I struggled over the years, wanted to give up a hundred times? You bet! I tried going without medication for 30 years, thinking that I could handle it all in my own strength. I was just fooling myself. Just like diabetics need insulin, (and no one faults them for taking it), those with a chemical imbalance need to take their meds, as well. Just because symptoms manifest themselves as emotional or mental issues, it doesn’t mean there’s not a physical root cause behind them. It took almost losing it all–my marriage, my relationship with my son, my home, and my self-respect, not to mention my own soul– before I came to my senses, and asked for help. Letting go of your pride, and admitting you need help is the first step. I’m understanding now how much I can help and be there for someone in my shoes–just never give up! God will meet you where you are, and take you to a better place.
Oh, Dave! I’m sooo glad to see a post from you that is POSITIVE about FAITH!! Just because a person relies on The Word in their daily life, does NOT mean they are “sick.” Although my first “nervous breakdown” had an element of religiosity to it, as did the followng two more episodes, does NOT mean you can’t rely on God, or a Higher Power, for your sustenance. Just the other day, a 50ish woman with Aspergers, “found God” and her whole demeanor has changed. She is borderline bipolar, but refuses to be diagnosed. If her faith sustains her – more the better – I hope it does. I am living proof that a daily walk with Our Lord helps to keep me stable. I take my meds religiously, go to group therapy, and see my psychiatrist every 3 months. All of my manic episodes occurred between ages 20-29; I have not had an episode since, and I am now 63 years old!! Though both my husbands died, I don’t blame God for their deaths. I’ve just grown in my faith, with every obstacle that is put in my way. And don’t be fooled – EVIL exists in the world, just as GOOD. Just answer – “why do bad things happen to good people?” That can’t be answered without a belief in The Evil One. Prayer keeps Him at bay, and helps to relieve someone with bipolar disorder’s anxiety. God is a Good God, and doesn’t want evil to triumph. So – get down on your knees occasionally, and feel His love.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I continue to pray for my country. Remember 9/11…
I am a Christian, and in fact, married to a minister. I believe in the power of prayer, as I just recently came out of a severe depressive episode. It is crucial to have other Christians praying for the individual with bipolar disorder because severe depression can inhibit ones ability to pray for themselves. Personally, when I have lost all hope and I am in such despair, either I cannot pray for myself or I feel that God does not hear my prayers. I have no strength with which to fight for my faith. Anybody else have this difficulty?
Hello Dave…….
Well I have to say, reading everyone’s postings here, they have spouses they support with BP…well I am married, I am the one with BP….and he sooo does not support me what so ever…tlls me to snap out of it and quit being stupid….BP does not really exsist he says!! so trying to hang onto any faith in this marriage is hopeless…some days I feel like losing it….i am trapped every where i go…walking into corners of no support…try to deal with on my own…so trying to hang onto faith…is hard!!
Christina.MacDonald168@gmail.com
To CHRISTINE – Reading your post, I feel so badly for you. Having BP is bad enough, but when you have a supposed loved-one, treat you like a secnd-class citizen – “Snap out of it, get over it” – leaves very little room for hope, much less faith. But I encourage you to read your Bible, pray when you can (preferably every day, for strength), and reach out to this community for support. I’ve been moderating with David for 3 years, and I’ve read it all. You’re not alone with a non-supportive spouse, but I KNOW it feels like it. Just BELIEVE, and you’ll ACHIEVE. It’s not easy; the only support I have is the local Community Mental Health facility and my 2 best friends, but it’s enough to get me through. I will keep you in my prayers that dark clouds will go away, and you’ll be able to see the sun again…
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I continue to pray for my country. Remember 9/11…
The threat of suicide should be taken very serious,especially if some-one is dealing with serious problems.they might see it as an easy way out of something that they just don’t know how to deal with.I know that someone else’s problems can become a very heavy load.I do not nave the answers,but I know there is no easy way out,especially when you love some-one.Sometimes just talking to someone and getting different point of views helps. Sincerely,Janis
To JANIS – There IS such a thing as a “Spirit of suicide.” This is what “suicide ideation” comeso from. I just lost a very, VERY dear friend to suicide, so I’m well aware of he pain that it causes those left behind. Almost from the day he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1984, he WANTED to layl in the Arms of the Lod. There were many attempts, until he just gave up, and said he’d go when the Lord wanted him…….but the “wait” was too long, and he overdoed last month on pills. He lived long enough to become a grandfather, and see his kids grow up. He just took a permantnent solution to a temporary problem.” He had just come off of a yen fo rweed, which he used to self-medicate. I guess the suicide ideation hit pretty hard when he “came down.” I can’t fault anyone for taking their own lives, not knowing Jim as I did. I sort of understand why he did what he did. Bu no medication was able to help him,and he had oher issues but bipolar. I miss him greatly, and never knew a finer man than him. I just thought we’d grow old together…
HI all. First, I think here in US you get to strong with bipolar and other mental ill person. It’s a disease, and it impairs our will (at least partially), so you can’t blame completely against us. BUT it doesn’t excuses us to get treatment, medicine, everything. I was diagnosed in 2008, after several years mistreated, and now I’m very stable and without problems (money, the way that I treated my daughters before, etc). And it was only possible with my husband support and pressure, yes, PRESSURE. You are pressured by your boss, why not by your husband? We are adults, not children, so we can coupe with this. The medicine is not a magic pill, and the therapist is not a mind reader. So I discuss my therapy with my husband, and he fight if I am not sincere with my therapist. We are very poor (we are international students, the poor type, not the Third World Elite type), and I need to work to put money in home, but I don’t have work visa in US (I have several years of experience in my country as Statistician), so I started to work this year as a translator in my country, over the internet. And I have to take care of the household, and of our new baby (9 months now). And take care of the household budget, and all medical/school appointments, and food, and cleaning, and purchases, and I’m the only driver here. So I think if you are supporting a bipolar person, give support (literally bring him/her to the psychiatry, accompany him/her VERY CLOSE about the therapy, take care about the sleep schedule and medicines), but doesn’t stop here. Put pressure. Always.
i am not christian; i am jewish..and it makes no difference what you are. i have been married going on 44 years to a recently diagnosed rapid cycler bp. yes i do call on god many times about him. somr in intense anger, some begging for help and some thankful for the peaceful moments. it judt dosen’t matter. you go one day at a time and sometimes the day is 10minutes long and sometimes 1 day can seem like a life time.
i can’t give any advise on how to handle our situations because i winging like the rest of us. just remember you are not alone keep your faith, what ever it may be.