Bipolar Supporter – When You Do Too Much

Hi,

I came across the following post on my blog the other day and wanted to comment on it:

“Hi David, I have a daughter who is 51 and I was never aware that she was B-Polar. I never

even heard it back then. After 2 years of financially helping her and her husband thing now are back to the same angry and mean spirited daughter that she was before. I put a lot of money so she could have a business to give her a place to work and be creative. I helped buy a house so she could always have a place of her own. Now that they have their own money she thinks she now will be fine. I pray she is as I now just will not speak to her or let her tell me what a horrible mother I was when she was a child. I was 19 when I had her and with no help from my parents. I was a child raising a child! What now?”

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This woman is really hurting because of her daughter with bipolar disorder. But, and I hate to say this, it is her own fault. Why? Because she got caught in a trap. The trap of enabling. She enabled her daughter, and now, unfortunately, she is paying the price.

She says: “After 2 years of financially helping her and her husband thing now are back to the same angry and mean spirited daughter that she was before.” So she states the basic problem right there: She helped her daughter out financially for 2 years. Which in itself sounds like a good thing, doesn’t it? As a parent, you want to help your child if they need it. But when it comes to bipolar disorder, sometimes that can backfire on you, as it did in this case. Because she says that after her helping her daughter, her daughter went right back to being the same mean

spirited person she was before she helped her. That’s what can happen when you enable your loved one. When you do things for your loved one that they should be doing for themselves, they never learn… they never grow. They don’t become independent. And they don’t learn to manage their bipolar disorder like they should. Even though this mother had all the best of intentions, there are things she could have done differently. If she hadn’t just given the money to her daughter, yes, her daughter may have gotten mad at her, but she is still mad at her now! But she would have found a way to make ends meet on her own. Which would have made her stronger in her bipolar disorder. And less dependent on her mother. Which would have made her resent her less now.

So if you’re going to help a family member with bipolar disorder financially, you need to take a lesson from this woman. Because you don’t want the same thing to happen to you. You definitely don’t want to fall into the trap of enabling. So the main thing you need to keep in mind is if you’re going to help them financially, make it for the least amount of time as possible (like in this case, 2 years was definitely way too long). Or make it a loan, so they have to take some responsibility with it, and pay it back. Also, instead of giving them money, you can do other things. For example, if they need medicine, go to the pharmacy and get the medicine for them. Or if they need groceries, go and buy the groceries for them. Same thing with rent or mortgage payment – just pay it for them instead of giving them the money. This way you know where the money is going.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Bipolar Supporter – Don’t Be Ashamed

Hi,

Have you ever wondered WHY you do the things you do? Well…Psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, and counselors make whole careers based on that very question. They delve into your motives. They delve into your emotions. They delve into your feelings. They delve into your past. They delve into your reasons. And when it comes to your loved one…They even delve into the triggers behind their bipolar episodes. But they believe there’s always a reason for everything

we do. Most believe it is based on our past…Usually having to do with our feelings. Lots of times, on feelings we stuff. Meaning, negative feelings. Like with bipolar disorder… There can be a lot of negative feelings associated with bipolar disorder. Like how you feel about your loved one, and how you feel about the disorder itself.

It’s normal to have negative feelings if you’re a supporter to a loved one with bipolar disorder.

But it’s not good to stuff these feelings. Because if you do…They can come out in harmful ways.

For example: If you feel resentment toward your loved one…And you stuff that feeling…You may find that one day something seemingly simple may set you off and all of a sudden you may

rage at them out of nowhere. And that may surprise you. But the root of it would be your feeling of resentment that you’re stuffing. Well…One of the most common feelings that supporters

of a loved one with bipolar disorder feels is shame. Don’t worry if you feel ashamed, because like I said, it’s common for supporters to feel this feeling. The biggest thing associated with shame is that they feel ashamed of their loved one with bipolar disorder. Most likely, they are ashamed of the way they act because of their disorder. Maybe they’ve acted out in public, and it embarrassed you? And that may have caused you to feel ashamed of them. Or they did something during one of their bipolar episodes that made you feel ashamed of them?

Even though it may be common, you may be thinking that it’s still a very hard feeling to be trying to cope and deal with right now. One thing you can do is to separate your loved one from

their bipolar disorder. Remember that it is NOT your loved one who is purposely doing these things to make you ashamed – it is the disorder that is causing them to do these things. This way maybe you won’t be so ashamed of them…Or at least won’t resent them so much as you will the

disorder that is causing them to act this way. It should help to remember that they’re not doing these things on purpose, anyway. Try to keep that in mind.

The other thing about shame is this: Many supporters are ashamed of their feelings. Don’t be!

Someone once said that “Feelings are not right or wrong, they just ARE.” You simply feel what you feel, even if sometimes those feelings are negative. But it will help you to get those feelings out, whether you talk to someone about them (your loved one or someone else you trust such as a friend or a counselor or therapist) or write them in a journal.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Bipolar: If Life Gives You Scraps

Hi,

I once heard an old lady say: “If life gives you scraps, make a quilt!” And I thought, “What a great attitude!” See, I believe the attitude you have determines how you’ll be able to face what happens to you. Notice I didn’t say that you have any control over what happens to you, because you don’t. (Now, I’m not going to get into any great long discussion on fate or anything, cuz that would just get me into trouble here, wouldn’t it? LOL)

But anyway…Even though you can’t control what happens to you, you do have control over how you react to what happens to you. Which is really important when it comes to bipolar disorder.

In other words…You can’t change the fact that your loved one has bipolar disorder. But you can change your reaction to it. You can’t change their behavior that they exhibit sometimes because of their bipolar disorder. But you can change your reaction to it. See what I’m talking about?

There are some supporters who just plain “fold” at their loved one’s diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Do you know what I mean? They just give up. That’s their reaction. But you can’t do that. You have to get in the fight. And you have to believe that you can win. And the fight isn’t against your loved one (even though it can seem that way sometimes). The fight is against their bipolar disorder. And that’s a fight that the two of you have to fight together if you’re going to win. So that’s the attitude that you have to have in this case. A winner’s attitude. A fighter’s attitude. A survivor’s attitude. A positive attitude. You just can’t afford to have a negative or defeatist attitude at all. Otherwise the bipolar disorder will win…And you don’t want that. You want your loved one to recover…And the best way to do that is for you to keep a positive attitude about it. In spite of their sometimes bizarre and unpredictable behavior, or even crazy behavior that you don’t understand.

You just can’t let their behavior get to you, or get the best of you. Because if you do…It will make you crazy. It will make you angry. It will turn you against your loved one. It will make you hate your loved one. It will stress you out. It will even make you depressed. But you can fight it with a positive attitude. Remember that your loved one’s behavior is only a part of their bipolar disorder (and not them), and that you will win over it in the long run! Tell yourself that this behavior will NOT go on forever!

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Current Bipolar News

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews587/

Here are the news headlines:

Award-winning rock musical explores pain, drama in bipolar disorder
DO> Wow, this sounds really great.

Glenn Close: Mental Illness Shouldn’t Be Old News
DO> Do you agree?

Mentally ill languish in jails due to budget cuts, lack of beds
DO> This is REALLY REALLY sad

First Film Series About Mental Illness…Released…
DO> Can you go see this?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews587/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Bipolar: They Have to WANT This

Hi,

You know that I always try to encourage you as a supporter of a loved one with bipolar disorder.

But at the same time…I also know how difficult a role that can be, because I know how hard a time I had when I was trying to help my mom before she was diagnosed. Even after she was diagnosed, it was still hard to bring her to where she was stable…And then to where she could be independent and not depend on me so much. So I can surely relate to a lot of the issues that bipolar supporters write to me about. But I got an email recently that I wanted to share with

you and to talk a little about.

Here’s what she said:

“…I have NOT had any contact with my sister for years. When I DID find out that she had the symptoms of BiPolar and was seeing a psychiatrist, she denied everything. So, I never mentioned it again nor do I stay in contact with her. She was definitely in denial and she’s NEVER listened

to me nor taken my advice (she only wanted money) so, I told other family members that they should get involved with her & find out the root of her problems. I DO think her husband has a disability (as well), but I don’t know if it’s Bi Polar. They have lived away from the rest of the family for years and never discusses their health issues. They only contact my brothers when they need money (which seems to be quite frequent, these past few years). I tried to find out the REAL truth (but since I won’t give her any money, she doesn’t stay in contact with me)to

her depression issues: constantly out of work, constantly moving from apartment to apartment, asking for money, etc. however, she was NOT going to discuss her problems with ME nor was she able to talk about her illness. When SHE DID ask my brother for some help, he did’nt

think nor did he take her seriously and brushed her off – giving her MORE of an insecurity complex & I would have just made her feel MORE insecure had I gotten involved. So, for years, NO ONE wants to help her and I REALLY feel bad about the situation. But, I can’t get her to talk to me about her illness/insecurity issues, not to mention she lives states away from me. I DO

want to help her but if she doesn’t want to help herself 1st, I don’t feel I can do much about her problems unless she is willing to confide in me – AND THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!”

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This is a really sad story. But so many times, you have a situation where you have a sibling who has bipolar disorder and they push their family away. Or they even destroy their relationships with their family because of their bipolar disorder. That could be one of the issues that’s going on here. But one of the first things that this woman in the email talks about is one of the things I also often talk about: DENIAL. It’s a pretty big issue when it comes to bipolar disorder.

Another thing she brought up in the email is that when her sister wouldn’t respond to her offers of help, she “told other family members that they should get involved with her & find out the root of her problems.” The point here is that sometimes your loved one won’t respond to you, but they will respond to someone else. So sometimes, for the sake of your loved one, you may

have to step aside.

She said in the email: “When I DID find out that she had the symptoms of BiPolar and was seeing a psychiatrist, she denied everything.” It’s hard to be a supporter to a loved one with bipolar disorder when they won’t even admit that they have the disorder to begin with. And like in this case, they can even be seeing a psychiatrist for it, but if they are in denial, the treatment won’t be effective. The best we can hope for in this case is that although she was in denial with her sister, hopefully she was at least being honest with her psychiatrist. Because some people with bipolar disorder will do that – they will push away their family members, but still accept treatment from strangers.

But here’s the main point: She says this in her email at the end: “I DO want to help her but if she doesn’t want to help herself 1st, I don’t feel I can do much about her problems.” Yes, it’s true that her sister does have bipolar disorder, but she still does have to reach out for help, and there are things she can do to help herself. The thing is that she has to WANT that help. This woman makes a good point: If your loved one does not WANT to help themselves first, there really isn’t much you can do about their problems.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

It’s a Bipolar World

Hi,

There was a movie out a long time ago called “It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World,” and it was a comedy (pretty obvious, huh?). It was just all about all the craziness in the world. And if you really think about it, I guess, there really is a lot of craziness in the world today. Things are happening that 20 years ago, or even 10 years ago, you never thought in a million years would happen. But they are. And it’s crazy! Things like this wouldn’t happen in our grandparents’ time.

Or even in our parents’ time. But it’s happening in our time. Sometimes it seems like the world is spinning out of control. It can seem like everyone around you is crazy sometimes! Being that you’re so surrounded with bipolar disorder because of your loved one having it, it can probably

even sometimes seem to you like everyone has bipolar disorder. I mean, I even saw a commercial the other day with Mark Harmon in it, who plays Gibbs on NCIS, urging people with bipolar disorder to get help. He said that some people can go even 10 years suffering

needlessly with symptoms before they get diagnosed. That’s true.

But after you’re diagnosed, one of the biggest problems is accepting that diagnosis. Then, even after you’ve accepted the diagnosis, you still have to learn to cope and deal with your disorder on a daily basis. And that’s a fight in itself. And if you’re a supporter to a loved one with bipolar disorder…That fight can sometimes seem overwhelming. It can sometimes feel like that’s all you ever talk about…It’s all you ever think about…It’s all that ever concerns you. But don’t you ever think: “There’s got to be more to life than bipolar disorder!” I’m sure you do! Even if it’s just in the back of your mind. And if you do, don’t feel guilty about it. It doesn’t make you a bad supporter. It just makes you human.

Sure, there’s more to life than bipolar disorder. And there’s more to your life than just being a

bipolar supporter to your loved one. You shouldn’t feel as if your whole life is taken over by their bipolar disorder. If you do, it’ll make you, well, downright crazy! It can even make you feel as if you’ve “caught” your loved one’s bipolar disorder, as some supporters have told me they feel. So the only way to deal with it is…You have to have a life outside of your loved one and their bipolar disorder.

For one thing…Most supporters of a loved one with bipolar disorder work a job outside of the home. This gives them a break from their loved one and helps them with their sense of self and gives them good self-esteem as well. It helps them to be around people who don’t have bipolar

disorder, too. And it helps to be in situations that are not influenced or even surrounded by bipolar disorder as well. So if you don’t have a job outside the home, you might want to consider getting one.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Bipolar Supporter – You Need Your Own

Hi,

If you’re a parent, you know that one of the values you try to teach your children is the value of sharing. There’s no worse screech to a parent’s ears than to hear the cry of “Mine, mine, mine!” from their children’s voices across the room…To be followed by an inevitable fight that they then have to referee. Then must come the lecture about the value of sharing, mustn’t it? Sharing is an important value, I’m not going to dispute that. But when it comes to bipolar disorder…

There are some things that it’s important for your loved one to have…And some things that it’s important for you to have of your own.

For example: It’s very important that you have your own support system. Your loved one does need a good, strong support system if they’re going to learn to manage their bipolar disorder and get better. But for some of the very same reasons that they need one…You need one as well. And for another very important reason as well: Without a good strong support system of your own…

You can very easily suffer from supporter burnout. You just can’t do it all yourself…As much as you might want to…As much as you might be tempted to…As much as you might think you can…As much as you might think you have no choice. You just can’t. You can’t afford to burn out. For your own sake as well as your loved one’s sake. As a bipolar supporter, it’s just as important that you see to your own needs as much as you see to the needs of your loved one.

And one of those needs MUST be the formation of your own support system.

So…Who should be in your support system? Well…It could be your loved one’s treatment team, for one thing. But mostly it should be made up of family and friends who care about you. People who can offer YOU support, as you offer your loved one support as part of their support system.

These people can also be members of your church or synagogue or other place of worship. They could also be members of your bipolar support group. They could even be some of your co-workers with whom you are close, or even your boss, if you are close to them and if they can offer you support. Anyone can be a member of your support system if you want them to be. As long as they can support you if/when you need them to.

But one thing to remember is this: You have to tell the members of your support system how to help you, or else they won’t know how. After all, they aren’t mind readers. They only know what you tell them. So you have to tell them what you need. For example: If you just need someone to talk to about what’s going on with your loved one…You can pick someone for that, and tell them that you just need someone to listen for awhile. Or you might just need a temporary break from

your loved one. So you might need someone from your support system to “spell” you for a little while so you can go somewhere and take a break from the situation. Or you may even need a temporary place to stay for a day or a few days. But these are all things you need to ask for from the people in your support system. Because they are all people who care about you and want to support you, I’m sure they want to help you out, but you have to tell them specifically what you

need.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Current Bipolar News

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews586/

Here are the news headlines:

Childhood Bipolar Boom: More Cases Or Misdiagnoses?
DO> What do you think?

Bipolar Symptoms Stronger When Anxiety Disorder Is Present
DO> VERY interesting article, take a look.

Separating What’s Bipolar From What’s Not
DO> Another great article, take a look.

“That’s Just Crazy Talk”: Stage Play Tackles Bipolar Stigma
DO> Do you think this a good thing or not?

Mental Disorder Hospitalizations Up 19% In 2011
DO> I am not surprised, are you?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews586/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

3 Things Pointless and Frustrating with Bipolar

Hi,

Experts say that stress is the leading cause of stroke and heart attack in this country. And one of the biggest causes of stress in a person’s life can be frustration. I know that when I was trying to deal with my mom’s bipolar disorder, I had to go through a lot of frustration. I mean, on a daily basis. I was frustrated all the time! I would try to help her…I would think we were seeing some progress…And then something would happen…And it would seem like we’d be back to square

one. It was so frustrating!

Today, I want to talk about 3 things that are pointless and frustrating for you when it comes to

your loved one and their bipolar disorder. Because if you know about these 3 things, and you realize how pointless they are, and you can avoid these 3 things, then you can also avoid the frustration that comes with them. Then your stress level will decrease. And you will not only be a better bipolar supporter, but you will also have a better life for yourself. You will be healthier in all ways, too. Because, like I said earlier, stress can really take a toll on you physically, as well

as mentally and emotionally. So if you want to feel better, you need to pay attention to these 3 things that I’m going to tell you about.

The first thing that is pointless and frustrating when it comes to your loved one and their bipolar

disorder is that you can’t change them. I know that may seem like a simple thing, and you may even deny that you do it, but think about it. You may try to change them without even thinking

about it. It may be something that you do unconsciously, in other words. You just may want them to recover from their bipolar disorder so badly that you try to influence what they do or how they do it, without meaning to. And that may go against their nature. The fact is that they are going to recover at their own pace, regardless of what you do or what you want. And you just can’t help that. Anything else is pointless and frustrating.

The second thing that is pointless and frustrating is that you can’t make them do anything they

don’t want to do. For example: Say they don’t want to go see their therapist. You can’t make them go. Even if you could, you can’t make them talk to the therapist or open up and share what’s going on with them. So it’s pointless to even try – you just can’t make them do it if they don’t want to. Unless you’re the parent of a child with bipolar disorder, you just can’t make your loved one do something that they don’t want to do. Usually, people with bipolar disorder have very strong wills, and they will fight you if you try to make them do something that they don’t want to do. So trying to do it is pointless and frustrating.

The third thing that is pointless and frustrating is…You can’t fight with them. You know what I’m talking about. Like when your loved one goes into a rage about something…And no matter what you do…You just know you’re not going to win. But the thing is, you have to understand that the point is that it’s not about winning or losing. Because your loved one will keep going until they think they’ve “won” anyway. The point is that even fighting with them is just pointless and frustrating to begin with. So you have to find a way to de-escalate the fight. To somehow end it early, with the least amount of frustration for you.

That’s what all these points are about. Decreasing your frustration. If you know about these situations, you can avoid them, and then you can decrease your frustration.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Bipolar: Where Do We Go From Here?

Hi,

I’m sure you’ve read about people who have started off with not much in life…Or had really bad starts in life…But rose above their bad backgrounds to become successful in spite of them? Well, it’s like the same thing can happen with bipolar disorder. Or, at least, specifically, getting the diagnosis of bipolar disorder. How come one person can get the diagnosis of bipolar disorder and never seem to rise above it…Learning how to manage it…Becoming stable…Becoming high-functioning…Becoming productive…Becoming happy…Becoming successful. While another person with the same diagnosis of bipolar disorder never seems to rise above it…Never learning how to manage it…Going from episode to episode…Never becoming high functioning…Never becoming stable…Never becoming productive…Never becoming happy…Never becoming successful.

What’s the difference? One of the things is what it takes to become stable. See…First you get the diagnosis of bipolar disorder…And then you have to ask yourselves: where do we go from here? And then it’s basically up to you and your loved one. They can choose to be in denial, for one thing. And that will cause them to fail at stability. In other words…They can deny that they even have bipolar disorder. They can say that the doctor/psychiatrist is wrong about them. Or they might take the medication until they feel better…And then believe that they’re “cured…”

And then want to stop their medication. That’s a form of denial, too. A very dangerous form.

Because if they stop their medication…They’ll go into a bipolar episode. Maybe not right away, because the medication may stay in their system for a while…But it will happen. Because one of the things about bipolar disorder is that there is NO cure for it at the moment. (so even though they “feel better,” they are NOT cured) But there IS treatment. And treatment consists of medication and therapy.

But they need to stay on that medication so they continue to feel better and so that their mood swings are regulated and they stay out of bipolar episodes. Without that medication, that just isn’t going to happen. And they will fail at their efforts at stability. Pure and simple. But the person who continues to take their medication and comply with treatment, WILL succeed at stability.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave