Hi,
I once heard an old lady say: “If life gives you scraps, make a quilt!” And I thought, “What a great attitude!” See, I believe the attitude you have determines how you’ll be able to face what happens to you. Notice I didn’t say that you have any control over what happens to you, because you don’t. (Now, I’m not going to get into any great long discussion on fate or anything, cuz that would just get me into trouble here, wouldn’t it? LOL)
But anyway…Even though you can’t control what happens to you, you do have control over how you react to what happens to you. Which is really important when it comes to bipolar disorder.
In other words…You can’t change the fact that your loved one has bipolar disorder. But you can change your reaction to it. You can’t change their behavior that they exhibit sometimes because of their bipolar disorder. But you can change your reaction to it. See what I’m talking about?
There are some supporters who just plain “fold” at their loved one’s diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Do you know what I mean? They just give up. That’s their reaction. But you can’t do that. You have to get in the fight. And you have to believe that you can win. And the fight isn’t against your loved one (even though it can seem that way sometimes). The fight is against their bipolar disorder. And that’s a fight that the two of you have to fight together if you’re going to win. So that’s the attitude that you have to have in this case. A winner’s attitude. A fighter’s attitude. A survivor’s attitude. A positive attitude. You just can’t afford to have a negative or defeatist attitude at all. Otherwise the bipolar disorder will win…And you don’t want that. You want your loved one to recover…And the best way to do that is for you to keep a positive attitude about it. In spite of their sometimes bizarre and unpredictable behavior, or even crazy behavior that you don’t understand.
You just can’t let their behavior get to you, or get the best of you. Because if you do…It will make you crazy. It will make you angry. It will turn you against your loved one. It will make you hate your loved one. It will stress you out. It will even make you depressed. But you can fight it with a positive attitude. Remember that your loved one’s behavior is only a part of their bipolar disorder (and not them), and that you will win over it in the long run! Tell yourself that this behavior will NOT go on forever!
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
Hi
It is just what I need today. It is difficult If both are ADHD or sometimes it feel to be Bipolar, maybe I am, I did not ask my doctor yet, but I think I have it.
How can I support my husband, we going financially difficult time. Yes he does not have friends and I am tired to support him to believe in himself. I have chronic pain, I fell @ work and injured my back and neck, yes I am in proses of medical boarding. He is unemployed, we try to do something, but you have to have finance. I will try to believe to get strong. Yes we are on medications/anti-depressants. To response on this e-mail, tomorrow we won’t have access to e-mails and internet. If you know who can give him support he is 46years old. his cel no:0825061918 Deon. It must be a honest person, please.
0722218495 – Deon, Sorry the other one is myne
I agree with this email..you can change how you react to the behaviors. Easier said then done at times.
But when you said.. This behavior will NOT go on forever..Maybe it will and that is very hard to deal with.
And what about all the psychological damage that has been done to other people in the family. They are not as understanding as the the supporter. When and If the behaviors are gone, the family relationships may be lost forever. That is the sad part of waiting and supporting the person. The person may improve and the supporter has endured and kept the relationship but at what cost to the others in the family?
Thank you for this wonderful letter. It is, indeed, extremely important to stay positive, and to work together to overcome the bad times and make things be better. How we react is so important, like not getting “hooked” by the behaviour, but focussing on what to do about it in a non-negative way. As you say, Dave, be positive, be a fighter, have a winner’s attitude and we will all win. The person is not the behaviour; the person is the loved one, exhibiting unreasonable behaviour. We must still say, “I love you, but I don’t like this behaviour. Let’s do something about it.” We can be winners and with help like yours, we are so encouraged!
Hi…
I just wanted to thank you for continuing to send me your emails. They are supportive and uplifting and give me some strength when I feel I’m hanging on by a thread. Life is challenging and sharing your experiences with me is a source of comfort.
Thanks again.
Dear Dave,
I have been getting your emails for 2 years now. They are always very helpful when it comes to dealing with my husband (who has bipolar disorder). The problem is, he gets manic every spring. When he gets manic, he cheats on me with other women, he accuses me of being abusive towards him and our children, an he sets out to publicly humiliate me. I email his therapist and doctor warning signs of his mania, yet his meds do not get changed…This is the third year in a row that this has happened and I cannot allow him to do this to me anymore! He keeps using his disorder as an excuse for poor behavior! This year he went so far to file a restraining order against me. I have done nothing wrong except be supportive of him, and now I am not allowed in my house nor can I see my kids. I am now in a legal battle to prove that I am a fit mother. Unfortunately I have no scraps this time to make a quilt with. For my own mental health, I have to say goodbye to him. No one should have to put up with the crap that I have been through with this man.
Dear Oliver: Thank you for that lift of the spirit. I needed it. We must remember that it is the disease that is the problem and not take out anxiety on our love one.
Thank you, Pam
Thank you so much for writing your articles. Yes, it’s true about the saying you wrote about, “When life gives you scraps, make a quilt.” Or I like the one also about “Bloom where you are planted.” All these sayings are similar to what the Lord says in His Word, “Godliness with contentment is great gain.” 1Timothy 6:6
When I read your emails, it makes me feel like I have a friend who knows what I’m going through, and still wants to communicate with me. I don’t have a great family support, but have the Lord, a church family and some close friends. Thanks again. Have a nice week.
Dear Oliver,
for me it’s just a change from what I am accustomed to. I apply your point, it’s not the action “triggering” from behind but it is our reaction. One question but what if the one with Bipolar is not a “loved one” what if it’s former Boss, or a friend who is aspiring one too many television personalities for her/his own good? I like your past suggestion – get another job, move but definitely “monitor your reaction” to whatever “invisible triggers” there may be behind each episode.
Deborah means God’s Word — the good news is that I had a Director by that name, the better news is that I came to meet many people who developed a disorder similar to her but failed to live up to that name.
How peaceful and stable my past makes me. About Time
The E-Mail you send does help us the one that don’t have this disease. Help you understand it at time for a normal person sometime you just want to give up. But on the other hand a wife want to keep the family togther. But when your love one has this everything has change your married life change and you got to watch what you say and how you say it to.My husband has this disease for 8year and it been hard he does take his meds But sometime i think it does not help at time . We been married this july 30 years. sex is a big deal with biopolar people it is not normal at all.For a normal person we have a hard time with them. keep sending the e-mail it does help us understand this life we are in now .
David Its has been awhile if never than about to maake my first comment.I am a negative thinker for the most part.And I cant remember to stop and change my behavoir or attitude as you say.And I will tell you why not ever does things go my way about anything its like i have no luck at all that people have hurt me and my kids time and time again even my own daughter has stuck to me not once but twice,And why I dont know.But she has devasted me by it.But either by the courts or not i never ever when no matter what my atitude is i dont know what life is gonna throw at me but now i believe that no matter what is to come,By past experience i believe i will never when,It makes me feel like this will always be has it has always been,thx cindy m tucson az