3 Things Pointless and Frustrating with Bipolar

Hi,

Experts say that stress is the leading cause of stroke and heart attack in this country. And one of the biggest causes of stress in a person’s life can be frustration. I know that when I was trying to deal with my mom’s bipolar disorder, I had to go through a lot of frustration. I mean, on a daily basis. I was frustrated all the time! I would try to help her…I would think we were seeing some progress…And then something would happen…And it would seem like we’d be back to square

one. It was so frustrating!

Today, I want to talk about 3 things that are pointless and frustrating for you when it comes to

your loved one and their bipolar disorder. Because if you know about these 3 things, and you realize how pointless they are, and you can avoid these 3 things, then you can also avoid the frustration that comes with them. Then your stress level will decrease. And you will not only be a better bipolar supporter, but you will also have a better life for yourself. You will be healthier in all ways, too. Because, like I said earlier, stress can really take a toll on you physically, as well

as mentally and emotionally. So if you want to feel better, you need to pay attention to these 3 things that I’m going to tell you about.

The first thing that is pointless and frustrating when it comes to your loved one and their bipolar

disorder is that you can’t change them. I know that may seem like a simple thing, and you may even deny that you do it, but think about it. You may try to change them without even thinking

about it. It may be something that you do unconsciously, in other words. You just may want them to recover from their bipolar disorder so badly that you try to influence what they do or how they do it, without meaning to. And that may go against their nature. The fact is that they are going to recover at their own pace, regardless of what you do or what you want. And you just can’t help that. Anything else is pointless and frustrating.

The second thing that is pointless and frustrating is that you can’t make them do anything they

don’t want to do. For example: Say they don’t want to go see their therapist. You can’t make them go. Even if you could, you can’t make them talk to the therapist or open up and share what’s going on with them. So it’s pointless to even try – you just can’t make them do it if they don’t want to. Unless you’re the parent of a child with bipolar disorder, you just can’t make your loved one do something that they don’t want to do. Usually, people with bipolar disorder have very strong wills, and they will fight you if you try to make them do something that they don’t want to do. So trying to do it is pointless and frustrating.

The third thing that is pointless and frustrating is…You can’t fight with them. You know what I’m talking about. Like when your loved one goes into a rage about something…And no matter what you do…You just know you’re not going to win. But the thing is, you have to understand that the point is that it’s not about winning or losing. Because your loved one will keep going until they think they’ve “won” anyway. The point is that even fighting with them is just pointless and frustrating to begin with. So you have to find a way to de-escalate the fight. To somehow end it early, with the least amount of frustration for you.

That’s what all these points are about. Decreasing your frustration. If you know about these situations, you can avoid them, and then you can decrease your frustration.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

  1. Thanks for GREAT and USEFUL information. Sometimes the frustration level gets to be unbearable and it helps to know that others feel the same sometimes.

  2. Thank you for continuing to post useful advice for us supporters! When I start thinking that maybe I’m wrong in the way I support my daughter, you post something to reinforce I am helping her in the best way possible.

  3. Could I add that, as a Bi-Polar person, I find it hard to deal with some people when they only want the person to change. The self esteem of a bi-polar person can drop because they start to wonder why they can’t change to be the person everyone else wants them to be or thinks they should be.
    When it comes to people “pushing” recovery on someone, it is just like if you quit smoking, you have to want to…but demanding recovery and change by avoiding a bi polar person isn’t helpful either…A very good friend of mine and I decided a long time ago that it did not matter what stage I was at she would always tell me what I needed to hear…not what I wanted to hear.
    And being bi-polar, I understand very much about the fighting…me for a long time…but I am learning to let go of the pointless and frustrating things for me. 🙂
    Love the letters Dave and I forward them on to my supporters.
    Alana Brown

  4. Very interesting point abouty the three things that lead to frustration. The third one is so very true as there is no getting through to someone in a rage. But what if your efforts to defuse the situation make it worse? Like if you walk away, they follow? or if you just do not respond..they get more enraged? what else is there to do? How does one keep from getting trapped into the rage? Reasoning does not work either as they hear what they want to hear and twist it in their own way. Yes very frustrating indeed.

  5. Dave,
    Thank you so much for posting this one and reminding folks like us, myself, yourself about these three points. My wife got very upset about something that clearly is troublesome and she clearly has a right to worried and concerned about the subject at hand… She is being triggered by something that is very real as am I too, and we both deserve to be heard and supported as it will possibly impact us both…

    But she got all upset and started throwing the spears at me and accusing me of this and that and the other thing, pushing me away… and there I went BOOM, guilty of both Numbers 1 & 3… I was trying to change her and how she saw things, attempting to tell her to get how she was hurting me and accusing me, pushing me away and getting my guard up and then turning around and blaming me for not supporting her no less too. “Aren’t I allowed to have a melt down and be upset once in awhile, just like anyone else??? Oh, it’s Ok for YOOOUUU to be upset, but its NEVER ok for MEEEE to be upset and freaked out…” And of course we got all hung up on my attempting to help, MAKE her see how she starts the arguement by not being simply upset about whatever the issue is, but instead by being mean and accusitory, hurly stuff at me, which in turn gets my Hackles Up, my defenses up, makes me fall for the bait and off to the races we go… And if she wants to be supported, understand, “Allowed” to freak out and break down all of that is cool and perfectly human…. and that her desire, expectations of support even are within normal and OK, but not when you are actually hurling garbage at the person you want support and have expectations of support from….. “Can’t you see this???? We’ve been down this road so many times before…”

    And clearly number three I was fighting with her and attempting to “Win” to help her see the correct way, the normal and healthy way of seeing all of this but instead I had my own guard down, was not in my best supporter zone myself and damn if I didn’t fall for it all hook, line and sinker… And so finally at some point I looked at her and said… “I’m done we’re having a Bipolar Conversation here!!! It is pointless trying to talk to you about this when you are like this!”

    Now of course I was correct in finally realizing the fact that yes indeep we were having a BP conversation and arguement which is why we were stuck going around and around the bush, getting nowhere fast and get more and more heated and upset in the process… But I was not correct in screaming it at her because clearly when I said it like that, now that I am calmer I know that I yelled it in part as a hurtful trump card as well as to properly lable what was going on, to stop the roundy round from continuing on any further than it needed to….

    And I guess the points I am making here are these. 1) It never hurts to review and be reminded of some of these important basics so when the time comes in the heat of the moment, you can reach for them and act accordingly instead of reacting instinctively, hurtfully and negative like…. when you are caught with your pants or guard down…

    2) My wife and her acting out went on for a very long time and much of her worst behavior was mislabled and even supported by some of the professionals working with us, basically supporting her Bipolar Accusations and twists to the point where for about half a year I was the guy with the problems and the messed up husband who almost deserved the crazy wife and the hurtful things she was saying and doing…. Yes really, really. And these were some of the supposedly best and most respected, triple recommended professionals in our region, and we’re in the healthcare business, so I thought I had shopped pretty wisely at the time too….

    In the end my wife was not only sick and BP but was carrying on an on going affair with some nearly as nuts and dysfunctional a man as she was, which today I have learned is typical of affairs and cheating… It is like drinking your problems and depression away, the thrill of the sneaking around and plugs into the same High Stim pathways in our brains… So many of the hurtful rejecting things she had said and done were therefore taken in way too much, and absorbed into my own heart, even after I finally got the real inside diagnosis. She kept lying to me, and both the Psychiatrist and the PhD level Marriage Counselor too and in many ways they were supporting her and even at times attempting to assist her in getting me to go along peacefully and cooperatively with her desire for a divorce, to break up our family, business and marriage…

    So today I am in a place of recovery myself from the trauma of her BP in general and the cheating affair more specifically. We call the lies and the harm, trauma of being mislead and played with, manipulated to the point of falling for the cover story and starting to see and believe yourself to be the source of the problems and the “Bad Person”, brow beaten into emotional and mental submission as “Gaslighting” from the movie “Gaslight”….

    And my point here is this… that many of us supporters are ourselves now half beaten up inside and have real and honest problems of our own that are a result of the trauma and abuse we were subjected to from our sick and acting out loved ones, spouses… This is all too common in the Affair Recovery support area that I also spend some of my time with attempting to get myself straightened out and well again. It is real PTSD many times for those of us who have been betrayed by our closest and dearest, Best Friend, our spouse…. So we need to “Cut Ourselves a Break” when we stumble, fall, make mistakes. Its never perfect or easy living with, next to a loved one who has even well managed and controlled Bipolar Disorder.

    My wife later in the same “conservation” asked me why I couldn’t be more like a BP supporter and that’s when I started to tear up said sheepishly… “You’re right, if I was doing better, if I wasn’t so messed up with my own stuff, if I was more on my game, that is exactly what I should have done… I should have. That’s what a good BP supporter should do and be able to do…”

    What a reminder and what a lesson this weekend was and so was your letter today… Thanks….

    Paul

  6. Dave, this is just the concise reminder I needed to read today to let go of leftover eagerness to ‘ease’ my adult kids into “Doing Better”, whatever that may seem to be.

    By now, I am generally okay with letting go, but do find myself feeling defensive when well-meaning friends comment, asking me how I am helping the situation.

    All I can do is point out that, however much change may be hoped for, one can only encourage an adult child’s own initiatives — VERY calmly, carefully and off-handedly at that, given the willfulness involved.

    Now I can add that the nature of the disorder makes this stance even more essential to save my own health.
    Thank you, as ever.

    Kit

  7. I KNOW!!! AGREED MR. DAVE – dont personalize any of it — it’s someone else’s dream/nightmare right?

    my village called they are truly missing their idiot at home; lol

    p.s. another thing gotta learn to laugh with the friends that surely laugh at you. Something I had to learn when dealing with the Shirley McClains of my generation — so many past life regressions didnt’ i’d ever click my heels and be in the “real world”

  8. every single point you have made is so true David – it took me such a long time to learn about the pointless and frustrating siutations I would get my self into when it cam e to dealing with my daughter and the bipolar that can make her life pretty hellish. she would calmly say to me in the middle of a battle( between me trying to change her and her defying my attempts) “mum if the way you deal with me hasn’t worked up until now – consider changing the way you do things.”
    I realise now she was taunting me but in the midst of my frustration it slowly dawned on me that my daughter was so right.
    SO slowly but surely I have clawed my way back out of the pit of frustration and health issues country by accepting a whole lot of stuff , my daughter will do what she will do.
    Where I am the most useful ( as a supporter) is to support the great strides she makes towards her own wellness, and relinquish my own ideas for her future wellbeing in the process

    Regards
    Shona

  9. Hi David:

    having big problems with my son. He is acting like a monster. He is taking street drugs and scaring hubby and I. I really am be side myself.
    I finally gave him his notice to move but I feel bad about. He has been stealing from and damaging property
    Got to go for now. take care
    Holly

  10. Your commitment to settling our reactive neurons is admirable. Quite a purpose.

    Recovery is about timing and finding ways to settle contrary reactions with better reactions to situations. So I think I have balance, and then I have a reaction to others’ reactions.

    In my mind I am suppose to make it better for others, not weigh them down. I support our clients, family members, and me. Thanks for the goodness of healthy distractions, thoughts of well being.

  11. Your points hit the nail on the head, at a time when sometimes it is necessary to have the obvious, restated. Why do we keep beating our heads against the wall? As you pointed out, you feel your 26 year old young adult is making progress, and then they “flip” on you, from reasonable, to when their requests to be bailed out, go unheeded, they go on the attack, tracking back every perceived injustice they feel you have levied on them during their childhood, with a degree of anger so out of proportion to what they are saying, it is difficult to respond rationally to them. Then when you acknowledge, they seem to be carrying a lot of anger, and this is a discussion that needs to be done in person as opposed to on the phone, the response is “anger…duh.” Click. That was about 6 weeks ago, and I haven’t heard from her since.

  12. Today I am saying hello to all my family and friends who are not yet married nor have children of their own but somehow chose to be involved in “voluntary” or employment catering to helping those exact ones that do have.

    People so beautiful hardly lasts long in this world. This world is full of problems and suffering and their contributions are so necessary. It’s no wonder that their lives are so short and sweet.

    I’m off to my daily jogging and then a nice Bruch!!

    Thanks Dave!!!!!

  13. Dear Dave,
    You are a very special person. Thank you for all of the information you provide those of us who are supporting a loved one with Bipolar Disorder. My son is a wonderful person. He was diagnosed with BP 13 years ago at age 20. He seems to go into a manic episode about every 4 years; all brought on by stress, of course. As you know, it is a heartbreaking situation. One of my frustrating points of stress as a supporter is dealing with the government regarding his disabililty benefits. It took 6 years for him to be approved; with us paying for his medication most of those 6 years. He would love to work but cannot. Every couple of years we are bombarded with paperwork to re-apply for disability – to prove that he is not cured of his mental illness and he still cannot work or afford to pay for his medication. This alone, can send him into a manic episode. Why does the government continue to make those with this illness prove their illness? Why do they seem to always be trying to take it away? Some with mental illnesses can work a job – they are high functioning. My son cannot and desparately needs the disability benefit along with prescription coverage for his medication. Thanks for listening. God bless you for your selfless acts of love to help those with mental illness and those who support them.

  14. AMEN AMEN They have very poor reasoning skills. Trying to make them come around to your way of thinking is pointless. Number one they don;t think they have a problem. According to them, everyone else is the problem. Therefore, they don’t even need meds, because they are not sick. An when you are well, you don’t need meds. The only way to cope is to agree that what that what they are doing is helping them get what they want. Thanks you for being there for us, sincerely Pam.

  15. God bless you Sir ! Thank you so much.
    My son is 20 years old extremely smart young man diagnosed with bipolar NS at age 17. ADHD at age 5 oppositional defiant 13 it’s been a long amp painful journey I’m a single parent of 3 .
    Sometimes i feel I’m going crazy the depression has set I to me deeply .
    He tells me there is no such thing about depression it is all in my mind
    He hates meds so he insist I should stop that non sense.
    Anyways thank u this words of yours will help me cause that is my biggest mistake get him to get my point of view and Sir you are right is useless
    And all it does is create more problems and anger from him to me.
    God Bless you!

  16. Hey I just wanted to write on how true what you wrote is….. It’s amazing how different peoples bipolar disorders can be, but how most of the major things are pretty much the same. The fighting is horrible. I don’t know why I argue back with my girlfriend, as it escelates reallllly quickly. She usually starts calling me a cheater, then saying just about the meanest possible things she can think of. Anything that she knows is below the belt, and will affect me. It happens at least once a week. We have been together for about 10 years, and after having a son 2 years into the relationship….that’s when she progressively got worse. I cannot believe how ugly it gets, and how quickly it does. But I never know when I’m going to do something wrong, or what it’s going to be. But I live on eggshells 24/7. It’s not fun, and it’s really bad for my son to see. He doesn’t understand it. He’s 7 and in therapy already.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *