Hi,

Sometimes when children are little, their parents play the What If Game with them. It goes like this: The parent may ask little Suzy something like, “Suzy, what if you were a princess, what

would you do?” And Suzy might answer, “I’d turn a frog into a Prince and make him marry me.” A predictable answer for a little girl. But not very realistic. Or they might ask little Johnny something like, “Johnny, if you were President, what would you do?” And Johnny might answer, “I’d stop all the wars and make peace and bring all the soldiers home.” A noble answer for a little boy. But not very realistic either. That’s not what the What If Game is for. It’s for sparking imagination. At least in little children.

On the other hand… Teachers use it with their students in the following way: In math, they might ask, “What if we were to substitute the number 6 for X, what would happen then?” Or in English… “What if [this] would happen, how would that change the plot of the story?”

Even scientists can use the What If Game in their research, by doing the same thing that math teachers do… They can ask themselves, “What if… I were to exchange this value for that one… how would it change the formula and subsequently, the results of my research?” Can you see the value of that? So, even in research, the What If Game can be used positively to spark the imagination.

However, the What If Game can also be used negatively. How, you are probably asking? When it’s applied to the past. Still, you’re probably thinking, what does any of this have to do with bipolar disorder, right? Ok, you’ve been very patient, so I’ll tell you… It has to do with what I was just talking about. How the What If Game can be used in a negative way.

When you’re a supporter of someone with bipolar disorder, you very much have to deal with things as they are, and not how you would like them to be. In fact, that’s called mindfulness, a part of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is the type of therapy specifically developed for

borderline personality disorder, and which can be used to help your loved one with bipolar disorder as well. But you can learn the principle as well, as it will help you, too.

If you play the What If Game, it will only distract you from dealing with things the way you need to be dealing with them in your present everyday life. You can’t expect your loved one to be learning a principle that you yourself aren’t willing to follow, can you? And it’s easy to follow. In other words… Instead of thinking, “What if my loved one was better able to cope with their bipolar disorder by themselves, how much better my life would be?” You replace that thinking with, “How can I better cope with how my loved one’s bipolar disorder?” So you are dealing with things more realistically. Do you see what I’m getting at? Then it’s not a What If Game any more. You are looking at things with mindfulness then. You are dealing with things as they are, and not how you’d like them to be. In this way, you think about NOT how you

can change your situation, but how you can deal with things just as they are. It’s more realistic, because you realize you cannot change your loved one, but have to accept them just the way they are.

Now, this does NOT mean that you have to accept their behavior, especially when their behavior is not acceptable. You do have the right to have them take responsibility for the consequences of their behavior during bipolar episodes, for example. In other words, you should not be expected to pay these consequences for them. It’s only fair.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave