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As a supporter, you may have been covering up for your loved one’s behavior (while secretly feeling resentful toward them).

But all that does is KEEP them from being held accountable.

You may make excuses for their actions and behavior to yourself, to justify what they’re doing.

But that also KEEPS them from being accountable.

In both those cases, you aren’t doing anything, really.

If you yell at them, you’re doing something, but it won’t make them accountable.

If you cover up for them or make excuses to yourself, that won’t make them accountable, either.

But every episode has its consequences.

And you can make your loved one be accountable for that.

For example, if they got caught shoplifting, they will have legal consequences that they will have to face, and you can’t do it for them.

If they began abusing alcohol and/or drugs in a manic episode, they will have consequences.

They may have legal consequences they will have to be held accountable for.

Or they may now be an alcoholic or addict even after the episode is over…

And they are accountable for that.

The main thing about holding your loved one accountable for their actions, behavior, and consequences, is that you do NOT make excuses for them, and you don’t cover for them.

Some supporters, however, believe that they should help their loved one in these cases, and they do cover up and make excuses for them.

Do you agree with me, or these other supporters?

Or do you think my way is too harsh?

Are You Making The Bipolar Investment?

David Oliver August 3, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 9 Comments

Hi,

I hope you’re having a good day.

I had many people over years ask me the following questions.

With your material on ways to make money from home, is an investment required with each business?

Why can’t I find a job at home no matter where I look?

When you look at both situations it centers around an investment in time AND money.

In my courses/systems, I talk about how you can start a home business:

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Now with home businesses, ALL of them can require some “investment.”

Think about it, you have to put something into a business, even if it’s a few pennies.

With ANY job, you have to put an investment of TIME into finding it.

With businesses, it’s an investment of time and money over time.

If you have limited money, you would normally trade off with more manual labor and time.

For example, let’s say you have a business that needs to mail things to people.

Instead of paying a company to stuff the envelopes, you do it yourself.

What’s this have to do with bipolar disorder?

Well, bipolar disorder is an investment, too, just like a business is.

People need to invest their money and their time with bipolar disorder, in order to be successful with their disorder.

Just like with a business, if there is no investment of time and money, that business is going to fail.

If there is no investment of time and money for you, your efforts for stability with your bipolar disorder are going to fail.

This is what I’m talking about:

Bipolar disorder is an investment of money.

You may not have insurance.

If you don’t, you have to invest your own money for treatment for your bipolar disorder.

Doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, and (if it comes down to it) hospitals all are an investment of your money.

Your medication is an investment of your money as well.

Even if you do have insurance, it will still take an investment of your money, because there will be co-pays for everything.

Now let’s talk about the investment of your time.

You have to invest your time to stay stable with your bipolar disorder.

Invest time in your treatment:

Medication and therapy.

Invest time in all your appointments:

Doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist.

Invest time in yourself:

Sleep, exercise and healthy diet.

Invest time in your support system:

Your family, friends, co-workers (if you’re still working), clergy person, and whoever else makes up your support system.

Invest time in your relationship and communication with your primary supporter.

(You may also need to invest more of yourself into that one, too.)

Invest time into things that make you happy.

Invest time into things that keep you busy and productive.

Invest time into a social life.

Invest time into a family life.

Invest time into leisure and relaxation.

Invest time into ways of relaxing and keeping your stress level down.

Invest time into learning more about bipolar disorder.

In other words, you must invest time into taking care of yourself and your bipolar disorder, or you won’t be able to stay stable.

Now do you see how bipolar disorder can be like a full-time job?

Having a business means investing both money and time, and so does bipolar disorder.

You CAN be successful with your bipolar disorder, if you just invest your money and time into it.

What do you think?

Do you think this is just another way of looking at this?

Or do you disagree with me?

Bipolar Lesson From the Man Who Ripped Off His Shirt

David Oliver August 2, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 12 Comments

Hi,

How’s it going?

I have the funniest story in the world.

Okay, there’s an older guy that I know that is finally getting into shape and is in a body building

contest.

He has been training for a while.

He has been training really hard.

This younger guy (I call him a kid) came up to him and said, “Dude, you look good.”

The guy was like, “I LOOK GREAT!!!!”

So then the kid says, “I think it’s nice that you’re entering this contest.”

But you could tell he was just trying to be nice. After all, this guy was like over 50, and he

was just now starting to body build.

But the older guy was starting to get mad, like thinking, Hey, why isn’t this little guy thinking

I’m as great as I think I am? or something.

And eventually the kid said, “Your arms look smaller than they’ve been.”

Well, this guy totally flipped out, actually ripped his shirt off, and went outside and wanted

to fight the kid. LOL

There was no fight, obviously.

The kid wasn’t going to hurt this older guy.

Here’s the thing.

Anyone who trains for body building or even just loses weight (fat) knows that when you “cut

up” or drop your body fat from like 20% to 7% you are going to get smaller. Duh!

Think about it. It’s common sense.

So anyway, this kid got into trouble for being the bearer of bad news.

He didn’t do anything wrong, but this older guy just didn’t want to hear what the kid had to say.

He probably knew it was the truth, but he was just in DENIAL.

He wanted to believe what he wanted to believe, even if it maybe wasn’t true.

In his case, he wanted to believe that he really did look “GREAT!!!” and that he would win the body building contest, even though that was unrealistic.

If you are a bipolar supporter, you may get yourself into trouble for bringing your loved one bad news.

They may be in denial as well, wanting to believe things that aren’t true.

I talk about denial when it comes to accepting the diagnosis of bipolar disorder in my courses/systems, because it is so hard for some people to accept.

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But it’s also hard to accept other things about the disorder and about having it.

And because you are so close to your loved one, you may catch the brunt of it.

For example, if your loved one is in a bipolar manic episode, they might have grandiose ideas.

They may think, like the older man in my story, that their ideas are GREAT!!!

So that when you are realistic, and you tell them that their ideas aren’t great, you’re being the bearer of bad news to them, and they might turn on you and get mad at you, when all you’re really doing is telling them the truth.

Of if you sit down with them and tell them what they’ve done during an episode and they don’t remember it (which is very common), your loved one may get mad at you, and you’re the bearer of bad news again!

Just understand that this phenomenon (of being the bearer of bad news) is a common one for supporters of loved ones with bipolar disorder.

There will be times when you and your loved one will be on “opposite sides of the fence,” so to speak.

All you can do is to be the best supporter that you can be, and be understanding when you have to be the bringer of bad news, knowing that you can’t always protect your loved one, as much as you might like to.

Do you know what I mean by the phenomenon of “being the bearer of bad news” when it comes to bipolar disorder?

Has it happened to you?

How have you dealt with it?

Dealing with Bipolar? You CANNOT Be This For Your Loved One

David Oliver August 1, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 19 Comments

Hi,

I hope you’re doing well today.

There’s something I used to be for my mother, that you absolutely CANNOT be for your loved one.

I didn’t mean to do it.

I didn’t want to do it.

In fact, I wasn’t even aware that I was doing it.

My mom was taking advantage of me in this way, and even she didn’t know it.

I sure didn’t know that this was a way she was taking advantage of me, either.

I had the best of intentions, because I care about my mom.

I didn’t realize that what I was being to her could actually hurt her.

But do you know what she was doing?

She was, in truth, making me be her THERAPIST!

Yep, I was my mom’s therapist for awhile there.

Well, neither of us actually realized it was happening…

And you couldn’t really put your finger on it…

Or define it… or look at it… or analyze it…

But looking back on it, I could see that I really did act like my mom’s therapist.

Now, I’ve thought about this, because I absolutely do NOT want to see this happen to anyone

else.

In fact, I’ve written about it in my courses/systems:

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http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews441/

In actuality, it’s really a type of enabling.

A real sneaky type of enabling, because you don’t see it happening.

It sort of just happens, and you don’t realize it’s even happening.

Here, I’ll give you an example.

You really care about your loved one, I know you do, or else you wouldn’t be their supporter, just like me and my mom.

So of course you’re concerned with how they feel.

So you ask them how they’re feeling…

And they tell you.

But where you had expected a “Fine,” or even maybe a, “A little tired,” or,”Kind of depressed…”

The next thing you know, your loved one is spending hours telling you exactly what their thoughts and feelings are…

And looking to you for answers (solutions) to their problems!

And you are actually becoming their THERAPIST!

An enabler is someone who does things for someone that they could (should) be doing for themselves.

Well, you wouldn’t tie your loved one’s shoes for them, would you?

Or take a shower for them?

I know these are silly examples, but you can start to see my point.

There are certain things that your loved one should be learning how to do for themselves.

Managing their own bipolar disorder should be one of them.

Yes, you are their supporter, and probably a very good one, but you should be a helper, not do everything for them.

The problem is, if you do enable them, they will never get better.

That’s why enabling is so harmful to your loved one.

They should have already set up their own support system, and you should be included in that, but they should not be depending on only you for their support.

In their support system should also be included a psychiatrist and a THERAPIST!

It is the therapist who they should be talking to about their problems, NOT you!

Even though it is great that they talk to you as well, you can listen, but you can’t really help them to change like a therapist can – that’s what they’re trained to do.

Remember, you can be a sympathetic ear to your loved one and be supportive to them…

But you CANNOT solve their problems for them…

And you CANNOT be their therapist!

Have you found yourself in this position with your loved one?

How did you handle it?

Current Bipolar News

David Oliver July 31, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 4 Comments

Hi,

How are you?

Hey before we go over the news. I have some news from myself.

My friend that I train with in the gym sometimes now is working at Greystone Park Psychiatric Hospital which is a kind of end of the line for people with serious mental illness.

Many people suffer from Schizophrenia and VERY serious illnesses and can’t seem to get stable or function well.

He told me one person he met suffers from a disorder where he will eat ANYTHING including metal, wood, coins, etc.

Over the coming weeks I will send out some information about what I learn from him.

He has undergone extensive training on how to deal with people who are in major episodes and not in their right mind so some techniques could be useful for us.

Both of us do a ton of cardio in the gym and are usually bored out of our minds so this is when I will ask all the questions.

It’s important to note that the people will this hospital would be probably MUCH worse than what anyone on my list is dealing with.

BUT I look at it this way. If we can learn just some things that will be helpful even if our circumstances aren’t as extreme as his.

My friend ultimately is kind of like a supporter for many with very serious mental illnesses while he works their in the day.

You however are probably supporting just one person who is not even close to the people he is supporting. But again, that’s okay, we can probably learn some stuff from him.

Okay, here’s the bipolar news. Enjoy.

To read this week’s news visit:

http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews441/

If Bipolar Disorder Is Over-Diagnosed, What Are The

Actual Diagnoses?

DO> Very good question, don’t you think?

Dual Disorders Rarely Treated

DO> This is the complete truth.

Treatment-Resistant Bipolar Disorder

DO> Interesting, take a look.

NAMI: United States Gets a D in Mental Healthcare

DO> This seems kind of high for a grade don’t

you think?

Classic, Intense Symptoms Not Always Present…

DO> Great article you should review.

Do You Have a Favorite Book about Bipolar Disorder?

DO> Is it mine or another author?

For these stories and more, please visit:

==>Help with ALL aspects of bipolar disorder<<==

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:

http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Three Bipolar Magic Words for You

David Oliver July 30, 2009 | July 30, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 11 Comments

Hi,

How are you today?

Well yesterday I didn’t have Jury Duty. It was for a county that I don’t even live in. I have

no idea why I was invited since I don’t live in that county. What a waste of time.

Anyway, let’s jump in to today’s topic.

Some title, huh?

Ok, today I’m going to play magician for you, and teach you three MAGIC WORDS when it comes to bipolar disorder!

Only kidding!

Naw, only kidding about the “magic” part. The rest is true.

Because you and I both know that there is nothing magic about bipolar disorder.

No magic pill to cure it.

No magic wand to make it go away.

No magic words to make your loved one better.

But there are THREE words that can help you and your loved one to manage their bipolar disorder better:

1. CONSISTENCY

2. PERSISTENCE

3. BALANCE

CONSISTENCY

Just like the story of the tortoise and the hare, and the lesson that you learned about “slow and

steady wins the race,” you must then follow it with consistency.

In the thesaurus, consistency has other synonyms for it, like: symmetry, clearness, uniformity,

agreement, connection, tenacity, and conformity.

In my courses/systems I talk about how you MUST be consistent in your routine and treatment program in order to become stable with bipolar disorder.

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If you have bipolar disorder, being consistent in your routine, with your sleep schedule, healthy diet and exercise, gives you a greater chance of stability with your disorder.

You also need to be consistent with your medication and with your treatment.

These things are CRUCIAL for you to achieve stability.

Remember the “slow and steady wins the race” idea.

Consistency will eventually pay off for you in the long run.

Supporters have to be consistent as well, in their love, support and understanding, as their loved one becomes more consistent.

PERSISTENCE

If someone is consistent, it is much easier for them to follow that with persistence.

Persistence is when you set your goals and you go after those goals, not letting anything stand

in your way.

Someone famous said, “If you believe it, you can achieve it.” But I’m telling you, you cannot achieve it by sitting at home just thinking about it. Productivity is SO important for someone with bipolar disorder.

Without it, it is too easy to become idle, lazy, bored, and…

Depressed.

Which can very easily trigger someone into a bipolar depressive episode.

Setting goals and achieving them (being productive) is one of the best ways not only to avoid a bipolar episode, but also to be productive.

Being productive leads to a better lifestyle, and eventually to stability.

IF you are PERSISTENT enough to get there!

BALANCE

You also must maintain a balance physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

It’s like a table with four legs.

If one leg is out of balance, the other 3 might be able to keep you balanced, but not by much (depending on how strong the other 3 are).

But if 2 are out of balance, your life will definitely be out of balance.

And when someone with bipolar disorder is out of balance, they will go into an episode.

So balance is an absolute necessity in your loved one’s life.

You can be a big help here. The more balanced you are, first of all, the easier it will be for you to handle your loved one’s “bipolar world.”

Second of all, you will be a good example to your loved one of what it’s like when someone has balance in their life, and want it for themselves.

So when you have CONSISTENCY, PERSISTENCE, and BALANCE all working together, your loved one has a VERY good chance for stability!

Which of these is the most troublesome in your life?

Which seems the hardest for your loved one?

Bipolar? Be Patient and It Will Happen

David Oliver July 29, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 4 Comments

Hi,

How’s it going for you today?

I actually have Jury Duty today so I have to get going.

I seriously hope it doesn’t drag on and on because I have so many other things to do–like volunteer tonight.

Anyway, you know about my goddaughter, right?

I probably talk about her a lot (but that’s because she’s my goddaughter!).

Well, she is so curious, which is probably common for her age.

She tries to get into everything.

But she is also so impatient, too!

She knows what she wants, and she wants it NOW!

Well, that made me think about how there are two kinds of people in this world:

Those who are impatient (like my goddaughter)…

And those who are patient.

Impatient people who like to read are those who will jump to the end of the book to see how it turns out, then go back and finish the rest of the book.

Right, do you know someone like that? I hate that! I couldn’t do it.

Or someone who fast forwards through a DVD just to see how the movie ends, then goes back and watches it. Come on now, that’s beyond impatient to the absurd! (I hope that’s not you)

Well, when it comes to bipolar disorder, there are those same two kinds of people.

When it comes to the patient ones, it kind of reminds me of the line from that movie “Field of Dreams,” where he says, “Build it and they will come.”

Stability is like that.

Be patient, and it will come.

But let’s talk about the impatient ones first.

The impatient ones are like my goddaughter.

They know what they want (stability, of course).

And they want it NOW!

There are two basic problems with this:

1. Stability is a process – it doesn’t

happen overnight.

2. You have to work to gain stability –

it doesn’t happen by itself.

People who don’t recognize that stability is a process are not willing to go through the necessary steps and needed changes to get there, and that is sad, because they will have more episodes, and it will take much, much longer for them to recover (if they ever do).

Impatient people with bipolar disorder who are not willing to do the necessary work to gain it will never achieve stability because they are probably lazy and unproductive – and stability is not something that someone else can do for you; you have to do it for yourself.

Impatient people with the disorder will also have problems with relationships and at home on top of problems with their disorder, because their impatience will carry over into all other areas of their life.

They will often find themselves alone, whereas a person trying to gain stability who realizes the value of a good strong support system will be better off than they are.

Impatience pushes people away, even alienates them, and you need people to gain stability.

In my courses/systems, I discuss how important it is to be patient with bipolar disorder and to understand that stability does not happen overnight.

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Impatient people have a much, much harder time reaching stability than patient people do.

Patient people know how to wait for things (like the “build it and they will come” thing).

A patient supporter is the best supporter because they know how to “wait out” their loved one’s episodes.

And that is a very, very difficult thing to do, as you know.

When both the supporter and the loved one with bipolar disorder are patient, they are an unbeatable team!

When two people together are fighting this serious disorder, there is a much greater chance for stability than if one person were trying to fight it alone.

Your role as a supporter is so important, especially in encouraging your loved one.

And sometimes your patience may be tried, but if you can conquer that, it will make such a difference!

If you have bipolar disorder, and you can be patient with your progress, little steps will lead to greater steps, and eventually you will become stable.

A lot of it has to do with your attitude.

A positive attitude will go far in helping you to be patient.

Whereas a negative attitude just feeds into impatience.

I would much rather be a patient person than an impatient one.

What about you?

Bipolar Disorder? Discover The 10/2 Equation

David Oliver July 28, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 21 Comments

Hi,

How’s it going for you?

Today I need to talk to you about something that is really bothering me.

You know I get tons and tons of emails, right? Well a lot of them are positive ones, and they make me feel really good, like ones that tell me how much these emails help them, and others on how much they have learned from my courses and things like that, like in all the testimonials

I have.

Those are the emails I really like, and the ones I’m used to, pretty much. But then there are the emails I get that really get me down. And I’m not a person who likes to get down, or who gets down easily.

But I got this email, and this woman went on and on and on about her problems. Now, don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I don’t care about people’s problems, because I wouldn’t be doing

what I’m doing if I didn’t care. You know that, right?

But it’s just that I deal in solutions. That’s what I write about and teach in all my courses, how to find solutions, and how to be solution-oriented:

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Not dwelling on the problems is part of it. Being a positive person is another part of it. But definitely NOT being a negative person is NOT part of it! You can’t find ANY solutions that way! And no one likes to listen to a complainer.

I don’t dwell in the negative – I dwell on the positive, and I surround myself with positive people, because they bring me up, and keep me positive, too. I get really disappointed when people around me are negative.

Like this email I got the other day where this woman just went on and on complaining, but didn’t offer any kind of solution to the problems she was having.

To tell you the truth, after reading that email, I felt like I should have charged her a consultant’s fee, like a psychiatrist would do, just for reading (“listening to”) all her complaints!

Now again, I don’t want hate mail for this, or people saying I don’t care, when you know how much I do care.

The point is, after all this positive email I had read, this one negative email had the power to bring me down. Why? Well, I thought about it.

And then I talked to Michele (who works for me) about it.

And she told me about this equation she used when she was bringing up her kids:

THE 10/2 EQUATION

Regarding negative people…

If you are a 10 and they are a 2, and you hang around with them, you will not bring them up to an 8, they will bring you down to a 4.

————————————–

She used this in teaching her children how to choose their friends wisely. But really, can’t you see how it can be used in dealing with bipolar disorder as well?

Here, follow me with this, as I apply it to the email I got. I can either surround myself with positive people or negative people.

Regarding the email I got, I am the 10 and she is the 2. I could try to answer her with positive answers, and try to bring her up to an 8, but considering how negative her email was, most

likely that won’t work, and she will just succeed in bringing me down to a 4 instead.

See what she’s done already? I’m already bummed out about it, feeling negative, letting it upset my day to the point that I’m writing about it in this email!

OR…

I can choose to stay a 10 on the positivity scale in the 10/2 Equation. I can let that email go. I can surround myself with positive people. I can stay positive and NOT let negative people bring me down.

These are choices I can make.

People like the lady in the email are going to be negative no matter what. They will try to get other people to listen to them complain, because they are negative and not solution-oriented.

They just want someone to buy into their negativity and listen to them.

But we don’t have to do that. We are TENS! We have a choice! We don’t have to be brought down to 4’s if we don’t want to! We can surround ourselves with positive people!

Have you had problems like I had with this woman?

Have you found yourself surrounded with negative people?

Can you relate to the 10/2 equation?

Bipolar? Consider the Source

David Oliver July 27, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 16 Comments

Hi,

I hope you’re having a good day.

I was recently talking to a woman whose mother was in a bipolar episode.

At first I felt real sorry for this woman, because I know what she was up against.

But then she started being real critical of her mom.

Then I felt sorry for her mom!

I mean, I remember when my mom was in her really bad, like her worst ever, episode in 2004…

I would get so mad at her because she would scream and yell at me and call me names and everything.

My mom was critical of me, too, and would say things she never even remembered saying during

the episode.

Now, that didn’t mean that they would hurt me any less, whether she remembered them or not, or

that they would make me any less mad, but I couldn’t be critical of her, because she was in an episode.

And that’s what I want to talk to you about.

In my courses/systems, I talk about not taking things personally.

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Well, this is sort of like that.

It’s called:

CONSIDER THE SOURCE.

Like this woman who I was talking to, when she got critical of her mom in an episode, she wasn’t considering the source.

If she had, maybe she wouldn’t have been so critical.

Her mom probably said some pretty bad things, I’m sure, just like my mom did (probably like

your loved one does when they’re in an episode)…

But you can’t fault them when you consider the source.

Just ask yourself:

Would they ever do or say those things if they WEREN’T in an episode?

So…

CONSIDER THE SOURCE.

When your loved one is complaining…

Ranting and raving at you…

Calling you names…

Accusing you of things…

Saying any other kinds of things that aren’t true…

CONSIDER THE SOURCE…

Because you know they’re in an episode.

You know they aren’t themselves.

You know they wouldn’t normally behave this way…

Or say or do these things.

So you need to (like I say in my courses/systems) NOT take it personally, and…

CONSIDER THE SOURCE.

Consider that these things are coming from a sick person who is in a bipolar episode.

If they were being said or done by someone else other than your loved one…

With any other kind of illness…

Would you take it this personally?

Would you be as hurt?

Would you be as critical?

Would you be as unsympathetic?

Or would you…

CONSIDER THE SOURCE?

Try to remember these things and to look at your loved one as suffering from an illness they can’t control the next time they go into a bipolar episode.

Bipolar Supporter? Sometimes You Just Need One

David Oliver July 26, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 25 Comments

Hi,

Hope you’re doing ok.

I got this comment on one of my posts recently, and wanted to share it with you, because it is the reason I chose what I did for today’s topic:

“Dear Dave, I love my husband very much,

I just want you to know that. But I just can’t

stand the way he acts sometimes! During

episodes is the worst, but even in between

episodes, it’s like he’s this changed person –

not the man I married. Bipolar Disorder seems

to have taken over his whole life.

Even when he’s not in an episode, he’s obsessing over when

his next one will be. I’ve tried to be a good

supporter and a good wife, I really have. But his

moods change so much, and I never know what

to expect. The unpredictability of the mood swings

and episodes is really getting to me. I’ve been

waiting a long time for my husband to get better,

but he just doesn’t seem like he’ll ever be what you

call high functioning, or even stable. Help! I just

need a break from him and his bipolar disorder.

Is that wrong? Dianne”

———————————————————————

Ok, let’s get the disclaimer out of the way first:

You know I’m not a doctor or any other professional, so I can’t give advice on those terms – I can only offer suggestions and opinions based on my experience and the experiences that other supporters have shared with me.

First of all, bipolar disorder does change a person. It can influence both their thoughts and their behavior. And, unfortunately, it’s a fact that with the disorder do come mood swings and episodes.

We don’t know by her email what her husband is like during episodes, but we can imagine.

In my courses/systems, I go over every symptom of a bipolar episode (both manic and depressive), so I won’t go into them here.

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