Dealing with Bipolar? You CANNOT Be This For Your Loved One

Hi,

I hope you’re doing well today.

There’s something I used to be for my mother, that you absolutely CANNOT be for your loved one.

I didn’t mean to do it.

I didn’t want to do it.

In fact, I wasn’t even aware that I was doing it.

My mom was taking advantage of me in this way, and even she didn’t know it.

I sure didn’t know that this was a way she was taking advantage of me, either.

I had the best of intentions, because I care about my mom.

I didn’t realize that what I was being to her could actually hurt her.

But do you know what she was doing?

She was, in truth, making me be her THERAPIST!

Yep, I was my mom’s therapist for awhile there.

Well, neither of us actually realized it was happening…

And you couldn’t really put your finger on it…

Or define it… or look at it… or analyze it…

But looking back on it, I could see that I really did act like my mom’s therapist.

Now, I’ve thought about this, because I absolutely do NOT want to see this happen to anyone

else.

In fact, I’ve written about it in my courses/systems:

SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?

Visit:

http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11

SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?

Visit:

http://www.bipolarparenting.com

HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?

Visit:

http://www.survivebipolar.net

In actuality, it’s really a type of enabling.

A real sneaky type of enabling, because you don’t see it happening.

It sort of just happens, and you don’t realize it’s even happening.

Here, I’ll give you an example.

You really care about your loved one, I know you do, or else you wouldn’t be their supporter, just like me and my mom.

So of course you’re concerned with how they feel.

So you ask them how they’re feeling…

And they tell you.

But where you had expected a “Fine,” or even maybe a, “A little tired,” or,”Kind of depressed…”

The next thing you know, your loved one is spending hours telling you exactly what their thoughts and feelings are…

And looking to you for answers (solutions) to their problems!

And you are actually becoming their THERAPIST!

An enabler is someone who does things for someone that they could (should) be doing for themselves.

Well, you wouldn’t tie your loved one’s shoes for them, would you?

Or take a shower for them?

I know these are silly examples, but you can start to see my point.

There are certain things that your loved one should be learning how to do for themselves.

Managing their own bipolar disorder should be one of them.

Yes, you are their supporter, and probably a very good one, but you should be a helper, not do everything for them.

The problem is, if you do enable them, they will never get better.

That’s why enabling is so harmful to your loved one.

They should have already set up their own support system, and you should be included in that, but they should not be depending on only you for their support.

In their support system should also be included a psychiatrist and a THERAPIST!

It is the therapist who they should be talking to about their problems, NOT you!

Even though it is great that they talk to you as well, you can listen, but you can’t really help them to change like a therapist can – that’s what they’re trained to do.

Remember, you can be a sympathetic ear to your loved one and be supportive to them…

But you CANNOT solve their problems for them…

And you CANNOT be their therapist!

Have you found yourself in this position with your loved one?

How did you handle it?

  1. Hi Dave,
    I am bipolar and so are my sons one is having severe episodes and out of control but if and should the chance come that he ends up in the mentle halth clinic he acts perfectly normal. And they are so stupid they buy it a lot of the things he does is to control and manipulate every one and situation around him all the attention has to be on him and I am not fooled but at the same time it makes him even worse then just being bipolar and he has been this way most of his life but he also eants to have a normal life. I am trying to get this program for them and me but we don’t have the money just like the dvd I have to wait until I get my check to get it.
    Isn’t life grand, God Bless You. Sandra

  2. Don’t have a blog address, never blogged before but here goes. Yes my sister does this to me all the time and for a long time I guess I was being her therapist. Now when she starts in on obsessing on the past and all the terrible mistakes, blah, blah, – and I know this sounds cruel, but I just say “Stop it, you’re doing it again and I don’t want to hear it. If you can turn it around into positive talk, I will listen, otherwise no, just stop it!” Now I just did a weird thing that she ended up loving. I recently regained my voice after having polyps removed and so one day when I called her cell, the voicemail came on and I just sang that Green Day song, “I hope you had the time of your life” not sure if that’s really the title. Turns out she saved it and tells me she plays it over and over. So I just try little things like that. She’ll be moving back here soon from being in Hawaii for the last 12 years and I’m pretty worried. Trying to set up support for her here – real docs and therapists, not me!!!!! Thanks for listening.

  3. I am enabling my son with bipolar. He told the psychiatrist and staff that he was getting scripts for Concerta and Lithium from, so I called the Psych and apologized for his behavior and asked for one more script for the Concerta. Due to the fact that he broke a gallon of milk and the table that he set it down on from rage about breaking an egg in his truck on the way home from the grocery store. Then he took a dining chair to the back yard and broke it into a billion pieces. The next morning he took the prescrip and felt much better but does not want to see another psych or therapist…he is tired of telling his story to no avail. Truth is, he doesn’t tell everything..he tells them he’s fine just a little anxiety. I can’t get him to go to a new place, complicated by fact that he has tried to get a job but has not, which he says he will lose if he gets one because of his temper. So, I support him both financially and as a therapist. What choice do I have?

  4. Yes have been there. It waa (Oh J please will you do this for me or please will you do that for me) aqs I cared about her I made myself willing but she wanted it doen immediately.) After ifinnished work (No one will visit me while im on holiday….(aka as pychaitric hospital) will you coame and take me off the ward? etc etc.

    As now ocme to a point that ive been not politely told to f off and not to contact her. We are only platonic and she knows darn will i think the world of her. (She rescued me from a serious nigerian scam)

    I have seen the two side of my frined and when the good side wins shes adorable.

    Any suggestion and feedback appreciated ? thanks J

  5. David you talked about being your mom’s therapist. On how easy this can happen.
    I am one of the lucky one. I got married and moved away far away for years. Then my step father dies and my mom is living with me. I refused to take that role again, “It is your life mom do what you want.’ But what you should of added is how they become childred. I stayed firm, so she went to the next level of being sick all the time. For a year I stood back and left her, as I alway put it, play her games. She found a doctor the bought into it. Drugs after drugs, hospital stays after hospital stays. Now remember in her eyes she is not bipolar. One day she started to fall and I went to grab her. She had been wareing long sleeves an turtle necks around me for over a week so had no idea. Oh we had been going though I can’t see, I can’t walk, I can’t go to the bathroom and it was getting worst. I just filed it as one of the ways to suck me in. But when I went to grab her so she wouldn’t fall I was shocked there was nothing there. He husband then told me she had been throwing up for over a week and could not keep nothing down.
    The next day I waited for her doctor to come in and we had this long talk. We were states away from where I grew up, states away from the mental hospitals and states away where a doctor would have heard any thing of her past.
    I told her doctor the story and how he was feeding into my mom for the attention she thought she wanted because she could not get it from me. She had this doctor on God level. He told me to bring her in. He talked to her husband and me with her in the room. She started crying and asked if she could talk to him alone. I knew then this was not good. Though the years she had learn how to work doctors and people. I never found out what she said but it turn out I was the one crazy. I had to step up and do something. The next day I called in to work and went doctor shopping. Yes she is seeing a doctor that could see beyound and listen to what I had to say. He took her off of the 42 pills twice a day. Put her on bipolar and two others. With in weeks my mother changed. My family are shocked at the new woman. I went with her to the appointment until the meds where at the level she needed. Then I packed away and let her have her live again. I know it will break through so I keep an eye on her but and watch. No I did not say wait. I too need hope.

  6. Your situtation was not like mine is. my son threatens to kill me when i do not do things his way and has threatened other people too. I have called the police where he is and am very upset because as you say i love him very much he is my son. I am going thru this for the 2nd time. My father was bi polar psychotic.

  7. David,
    I have been an enabler of my wife who I suspect to be bipolar. I do things for her all the time that she should be able to do for herself. I am working on changing that but it is hard because she makes me feel guilty and tells me I am not there for her. I need to get my wife into treatment but I haven’t been able to.

    Keith

  8. HI DAVIE BABE…..You no you said about tieing laces for them well a think its getting to the point lmfao….
    Dave you no that book you selling am not giving any bank details over the commy so if theres any other way you can think of let me no. and yes thanx am okay x
    Take Care Linda x

  9. OH MY GOSH I HAVE HOODWINKED MYSELF INTO THIS POSITION OUT OF FEAR FOR MY BIPOLAR DAUGHTER AND HER CHILDREN. NOW I AM BACKPEDALLING OUT OF THE THERAPIST/ENABLER POSITION, BUT IT IS DIFFICULT AND SHE IS VERY ANGRY BECAUSE IT HAS GONE ON FOR A LONG TIME. SHE IS ACCUSTOM TO LOOKING TO ME EMOTIONALLY AS WELL AS FINANCIALLY. I CAN’T GONE ON TOO MUCH STRESS WITH NO RESULTS. MORE I TRIED TO HELP THE FURTHER SHE SANK. TIME FOR ME TO ALLOW HER SPACE TO SINK OR SWIM SHE KNOWS WHAT TO DO HOWEVER IS ANGRY ABOUT HER DIAGNOSIS AND THREATENS TO STOP TAKING HER MEDICATION. OUT OF MY HANDS NOTHING MORE I CAN DO.

  10. Dear Dave,
    it has been a long journey from enabler to supporter; Rachel was diagnosed with bipolar approximately 2 years ago, rachel is 37 I believe shes had the disorder most of her life, and she had been able to hide behind illicit drugs and me her mum for most of that time.
    ÿep its as you said Dave, I became her therapist and her chief enabler.2 years ago Rachel had a huge episode and I had to hospitalise her commit Rachel to a mental hospital for her own safety.6 months later I began reading your blog Dave and at that time it talked about enabling I was also in contact with my brother in law( he has a daughter who is schizophrenic who was in recovery.It was his daughter who said quite forceably “the first thing Rachel had to do is recognise her Bipolar and the second thing was for her to do was to work with her mental health team to get her better”.And with her usual blunt way my neice then turned to me and told me to stop getting in the way.either I was part of the problem or part of the solution. At first I was horrified and very upset but at the saame time I read about your blog on enabling and I realised I was definitely one of those kinds of parents and whats more in spite of all my best intentions I seemed to have helped to make matters worse there had to be a better way- suffice to say it has taken a very long time for me to learn the skills of a good supporter;and today my daughter is into her 4th month of stability she has been offered a position as an research assistant at the university.Every day I am in awe of the tremendous will my daughter has her tenacity her great ability to overcome this dreadful disorder so that she can lead a good life for herself and her boys.
    regards Shona

  11. Thank you for this email. Very important one for me today. I know my friend has been using me too. He don’t see it as that. But he has. I have really been watching him alot these last few months. I don’t know how to turn all that negative thoughts around. I do listen. But it’s getting old and I do not…..I do not want him running me off. I want to be all he needs and I want to be strong. Most time I do just listen. But there are days………it all just gets to me. I tell him all the time…you can’t bring me down….I have to stay focused on positive thougths and tell him he should do the same. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. He will make me so mad…I will want to throw the towel in. But he will come around in a few days and say something or give me something or do something to try and make up for what he’s done or said.
    So he may not remember everything but he knows something was not right.So I have backed away some. I want to go at this head first and I want to really help him. I know this man really does care for me. But until he gets help…real help…I know this relationship can not go any where. So how do I get him to start with seeing a Dr or Ther., so he can get back on his meds. I tell him all the time “you know what you have to do…someone help…….I want to do what is right and what is best for him…..I thought I was helping him but I wonder now. Thank you for your time

  12. Geday All,
    We’re all just as mad ‘downunder’as you folks are.David, I read your daily (non therapist) blurb to keep my own sanity and we all realise that you speak on mental health without academic qualification. My ex-wife, an Occupational Therapist/Bioethicist, is a suspected N.P.D. or Bipolar sufferer according to many advisers. I still carry concern for my ex KNOWING that she is ill.
    I have shared care of two gorgeous daughters, 13 &9, so i’m a little concerned with how my ex treats or influences them.I had to spend over $100k to restore custody after my ex made perjurous and FALSE allegations of child sexual abuse against me.My older daughter knows that her mother made a false report to police. It’s been hard getting through this. Child protection always side with a mother- there has never been a conviction for perjury in Family Law in my state, Victoria. During the court proceedings I discovered, for the first time ever, that my wife had a psychiatric history dating back 16 years. (her father was an aloof returned WW2 POW and then career police sergeant)I have written to my ex’s psychiatrist.
    I agree with your warning about people not becoming therapists. We should all be ready to perform FIRST AID and to see that children, adults and seniors are made and left safe, but that’s as far as it should go. As a dad I will always listen to my girls and get help when I need to. (My 13yo needs her sport and friends more than she needs me, but that’s okay)
    Thanks for passionate ‘layperson’s’ advice. D.P.

  13. I can empathize with you on this one. My daughter is more on the quiet side but when she flies off into her episodes which happens every other week or few days. I used to sit and listen to all the hatred things coming out of her mouth and thought I was helping by being there listening and taking the abuse. After buying your books and materials (you are a godsend), I have learned so much that it has helped me avoid these things. Now, I don’t react and I consider the source. I had to teach that to her brother who’s 28yr.old and having diffulty accepting that his sister is not the same girl he knew as a young sibling. I look forward to reading your daily e-mails because I use them everyday and learn something. Thank you. God Bless

  14. DAVE, here in Ireland good therapists are very scarce and very few know anything about bipolar. My boyfriend has a very good psychiatrist as well as a psych nurse who keeps an eye on things. 2 years ago he was seeing a therapist who did no more than the psych nurse and in a way was surplus to requirements. He didn’t get on with her too well and told me that I was a better therapist if he needed one. I was not an enabler. He would not have wanted that. His dog was also a good therapist to him. Then last year he went into an episode and into the psych ward. Afterwards we picked up from where we left off so to speak. Earlier this year the health authorities sent out a new therapist, who made things worse instead of better by talking down at him like he was 5 years old (and she is half his age and very inexperienced). She is not a psychotherapist, only an occupational therapist who is supposed to get him motivated into doing something creative at set times – like going back to primary school! I said if she knew anything about bipolar or was in any way creative herself she would know that you can’t force it at set times. My boyfriend has been in a depression a long time now. Lately he doesn’t want me as a therapist or a supporter or a girlfriend – he wants to do everything alone. I will have to leave him be for a while. If you look at all the famous and successful people with bipolar, nearly all of them have a strong supporter, usually a spouse, who sticks by them through the good, the bad and the ugly of bipolar. I love him very much and know I can be that for him, if only he will let me.

  15. Therapist? My boyfriend sees a counselor but I have suspected for sometime that perhaps she does not specialize in BiPolar. I dont say anything because he enjoys talking with her, but some of the things he has told me she has given for advise really make me concerned. She has never suggested a support group for him or for us nor has he been told of a mood chart or other things i have been learning from this group or other research. Perhaps I am just feeling too helpless and hoping for something else. BUT is there such a thing as a therapist/counselor who “specializes” in BiPolar? I’m concerned that a whole year has been wasted with an expensive counselor … things are getting worse for us not better.

  16. I’ve blogged, but David, do you ever answer?? Mine is the above comment about my sister, the 2nd from the top. Last night I did everything wrong, screamed and yelled, she told me she was upstairs and had taken a “bunch, lots” of clonipine. I called her “boyfriend” who asked me if he had my permission to call the police and try to get her into a hospital. I said yes. So the police came and of course she cleverly convinced them she’s no danger to herself.
    then she called me later, very, very angry. I guess I did the wrong thing???? Can you write to me at my email? Please?

  17. Hello everyone, all I see on here is supporters. Well I am bipolar and this is my input on the situation of you loved one being a therapist. I go to my professional therapist once a week, have been for two years. Am I anymore sane now than then, just a little. What about the other six days of the week when I may have thoughts raging thru my head or angry at everything for no reason or worried, depressed, etc,etc.
    If you don’t have someone to talk about some of the stuff with you’ll explode into an episode from hell for sure. Probably angry enough to feel like hurting someone. I’ve been there. Yes I do deal with some things myself and its hard to push feelings away. If I didn’t I would end up seperated from my husband and without my kids and living god knows where, but I have a little stronger control than some people. But I see nothing wrong with a supporter trying to help us with our feelings. It dosen’t mean we’re taking advantage of you, and we probably already know your not going to help much or understand us anyway but its nice sometimes for someone to be there. You can’t understand Bipolar unless you are Bipolar. Don’t be offended by my response Dave because I love your emails and news letters.

    Misty Bailey

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