Hi,
How’s it going?
I have the funniest story in the world.
Okay, there’s an older guy that I know that is finally getting into shape and is in a body building
contest.
He has been training for a while.
He has been training really hard.
This younger guy (I call him a kid) came up to him and said, “Dude, you look good.”
The guy was like, “I LOOK GREAT!!!!”
So then the kid says, “I think it’s nice that you’re entering this contest.”
But you could tell he was just trying to be nice. After all, this guy was like over 50, and he
was just now starting to body build.
But the older guy was starting to get mad, like thinking, Hey, why isn’t this little guy thinking
I’m as great as I think I am? or something.
And eventually the kid said, “Your arms look smaller than they’ve been.”
Well, this guy totally flipped out, actually ripped his shirt off, and went outside and wanted
to fight the kid. LOL
There was no fight, obviously.
The kid wasn’t going to hurt this older guy.
Here’s the thing.
Anyone who trains for body building or even just loses weight (fat) knows that when you “cut
up” or drop your body fat from like 20% to 7% you are going to get smaller. Duh!
Think about it. It’s common sense.
So anyway, this kid got into trouble for being the bearer of bad news.
He didn’t do anything wrong, but this older guy just didn’t want to hear what the kid had to say.
He probably knew it was the truth, but he was just in DENIAL.
He wanted to believe what he wanted to believe, even if it maybe wasn’t true.
In his case, he wanted to believe that he really did look “GREAT!!!” and that he would win the body building contest, even though that was unrealistic.
If you are a bipolar supporter, you may get yourself into trouble for bringing your loved one bad news.
They may be in denial as well, wanting to believe things that aren’t true.
I talk about denial when it comes to accepting the diagnosis of bipolar disorder in my courses/systems, because it is so hard for some people to accept.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
But it’s also hard to accept other things about the disorder and about having it.
And because you are so close to your loved one, you may catch the brunt of it.
For example, if your loved one is in a bipolar manic episode, they might have grandiose ideas.
They may think, like the older man in my story, that their ideas are GREAT!!!
So that when you are realistic, and you tell them that their ideas aren’t great, you’re being the bearer of bad news to them, and they might turn on you and get mad at you, when all you’re really doing is telling them the truth.
Of if you sit down with them and tell them what they’ve done during an episode and they don’t remember it (which is very common), your loved one may get mad at you, and you’re the bearer of bad news again!
Just understand that this phenomenon (of being the bearer of bad news) is a common one for supporters of loved ones with bipolar disorder.
There will be times when you and your loved one will be on “opposite sides of the fence,” so to speak.
All you can do is to be the best supporter that you can be, and be understanding when you have to be the bringer of bad news, knowing that you can’t always protect your loved one, as much as you might like to.
Do you know what I mean by the phenomenon of “being the bearer of bad news” when it comes to bipolar disorder?
Has it happened to you?
How have you dealt with it?
Post responses below
Hello David,
Your posting from today, reminded me of my husbands last episode, which lasted about four days. The kids were coming home for christmas and were due to arrive with in hours. I was making christmas cookies, my usual thing at christmas, from out of the blue my husband go mad because I was making cookies!! his accusations were totally off the wall I was shocked to hear what he was saying. his anger continued for four days, he with drew from our grandson barely acknowledging him, with his anger and mood swings making it difficult for us all to enjoy what little time we had together.
unfortunately for me, not only is my husband in denial, the whole family is. Leaving me alone with dealing with him, I can’t get him to go to the doctor let alone admitt he has a problem, he solution is I’m to never make him angry. Not a healthy situation, his next episode I fear will not be any easier or have any warning and be worse than the last. I fear I my be forced to resort to calling the authorities and have him put in against his will for evaluation and treatment, of which, very well, I fear may end badly.
I live with my 28 year old adult daughter, whom is bipolar. She will have a new grandiose idea each week. I encourage her to look into the idea. How much is the plane ticket, plan an itinerary, how do you get your passport reinstated. Do you need shots before you go there? etc. I used to tell her that was not possible right now (what ever her idea was) Now I encourage her to look into her idea. These ideas usually last a week when she sees for herself the work it will take to complete this idea. She does have some very good dreams. Dreams I pray become a reality for her someday. But she has to find that for herself, otherwise she only gets angry with me if I don’t agree with something.
I have to admit I get very very tired of being her only real supporter. So I see a psychologist for my own support.
Thank You for listening Michele Ruth
Last night was so bad and I think I really effed up Dave. Please help. My sister called from Hawaii (we are trying – mom and I-) to transition her to Florida to be near us. Anyway she called at my mom’s and upset her so much that my 85 yr. old strong lady – was shaking and actually took an Atavan! She never takes anything. So later that night when I got home my sister called me with this horribly slurring voice – told me she took “a bunch” of Clonipin and hoped she wouldn’t wake up. I got scared and told her “boyfriend” to call 911 and try and get her in a hospital. He asked if he had my permission to do that and I said yes. I have not right really or guardianship. WEll he did it! The cops came and of course she was able to convince them she was in no danger to herself or anyone else – she’s real smart real good at avoiding help. Now she’s furious with me. I guess I did the wrong thing. and I have no idea how to get feedback from you or hook into anyone’s blogs! all I dois submit comments. Can anyone help, so I can at least read other’s comments? I’m just not that computer savvy, I guess. thanks for those of you who are reading through all this. geri
Dave, I hope your Dad will be ok. And of course that your mom can deal with it. My thoughts and prayers are with you. With aloha, geri
Being the bearer of bad news …boy do I know that feeling. When my boyfriend has these episodes, especially when they involve drinking, I try to say “hey, how about we not have another beer” – cuz I already know where this night will end up. He then says “you spoil all my fun. I was happy until I saw you.” He has said I am like his exwife (whom he hates)… it goes on. The next day or after the “episode” is over – he’s loving, doesn’t remember it or at least all of it. Do I sit and let him drink and self-destruct…. I’m so lost here. I welcome any help and advise.
I was doing a paper for my class in business and thought that it was perfect (A) material. Guess what? I was totally off the topic and got “no grade” and had to redo the paper.
Hi Dave,
I found this very interesting. You do make a very good point in this reading but I would like to tell you another point from someone who is bipolar. The older man was thinking, like we have to think in order to keep our heads above water. We have to constantly remind ourselves that we have to be the best we can be and try to shrug off the negitive comments that are made to us by those who don’t understand what we are going through.
I know exactly what you mean. Our sons & I have tried to help my husband who has been in his first Manic episode for the last 4 months (he is 55 years old). We have been there for him and tried our best to help him (made some mistakes, I’m sure). But he is in denial, and thinks we all have abused him and want to harm him. He no longer speaks to any of us; says he hates us and never wants to be a part of our lives. He is currently divorcing me and acts as if he is divorcing our sons as well. The only family he tries to connect with are his grandbabies. I pray that someday he accepts his circumstances and seeks help before it is too late for him. Maybe then, he will understand that his family loves him and only wants the best for him.
To GERI: I hope you don’t give up posting on this blog just because someone else doesn’t post something relating to your’s. Personally, I have never dealt with someone who was “out of their head,” threatening suicide. However, I would probably do the same thing you did, and “nominate” someone to get your sister the help she so desperately needed. It’s when the person with bipolar is so deceptive and manipulative, that they fool the authorities and DON’T get that help, that it’s so hard on the families or the person nominated to get them help. I pray that your sister gets help – and soon. I hope you can get her to FL “in one piece,” and in a clearer state of mind.
My Mother was the “Queen of Denial.” She never accepted the fact that I was bipolar. She would argue herself blue in the face (literally!), that I was competent and able to do ANYTHING a “normal” person would do. On the opposite end of the coin, she didn’t see why/how I was capable of managing on my own WITHOUT her input! As I’ve said before – after she died, a neighbor said – “You’re Mom treats you like you were 3 years old.” I was in my 40s at the time.
So – denial can come from the “Supporter” as well. And living with bipolar, as I have since 1968, was difficult while my Mom tried to CONTROL every aspect of my life, from what to eat to what to wear. Thankfully, I got married while she was still alive, and she backed off somewhat. BUT – she still “dropped in” on my husband and me without notice or warning. One time, we had just been in the bedroom “fooling around,” when we heard a knock on the door – it was my Mom and Aunt, who had come 45 MILES to see us!! So, yes, I understand denial AND control, and they’re two sad states of affairs.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
Dear Dave,
I concur, when my loved one was in a major manic episode , she would have some of the most fascinating and yep grandiose ideas about business the world almost everything you could think about. Sometimes it wasn’t easy to say that’s a pretty weird idea because my daughter would talk up her brainwave to make it seem all so real and doable and of course I was in denial ( with her BP status) and there were other schemes that were absolutely, definitely weird and crazy. These ideas came on when she was in full blown Bipolar: unfortunately here in NZ the person who is mentally unwell has to physically show to all and insundry that they are ( very unwell) before anyone in authority will do anything to help, to get a mentally unwell person into a mental hospital facility is nigh on impossible unless (the mentally unwell) person has either upset a whole lot of the public or they have literally tried to kill themselves or others and there has to be physical proof of the activity . for example my daughter ripped off all her clothes and ran throught the streets of downtown Auckland with just a black plastic rubbish bag to cover herself then she was admitted to mental hospital as an involuntary patient.
For a period of over a year my daughter denied she was unwell, no matter what was said I just preferred to enable her during this time to keep the peace – so I was no great help at all – infact I think I truelly disabled any efforts of others to help in any constructive way.I had to learn the hard way-before I could see that my daughter was in serious trouble and that if I didn’t sign her into hospital and if I didn’t change my mind set she could very well kill herself.
Suffice to say my daughter has come through her harrowing nightmare and is stable and is about to rejoin the workforce – she has made her own journey to wellness herself she has accepted the help and guidance of health professionals and support groups Rachel has come home to her little family. It has taken nearily 2 and1/2 years for her to recover. I love my daughter ; I learn everyday from others who comment on this blog and from you too Dave
Thank you
Regards
Shona
I have been there to often. My wife still denies she has any problmes what so ever. It is obvious to me and me only. My wife has no close friends she doesn’t talk to them about much at all. I have brought her bad news and she never takes to kindly to it. She has insulted me in every which way possible. I am a desparete husband wanting things to change for the good. The light at the end of the tunnel is almost out. Soon my wife will move out of the house and try to take my children. She will be in for a rude awakening when the judge orders her to get treatment.