One difficulty my husband and I come up against is that while I do work hard to “consider the source” (that’s the post I’m responding to) he himself doesn’t forget what he says during manic episodes. He’s sorry afterwards, but I feel two things going on. First, he feels bad and guilty for saying I’m incompetent (etc.) but, second, I feel like he does have a sense of “where there’s smoke there’s fire.” I’m no more perfect than anybody else, so of course I do make mistakes. I feel like this sort of creates a hair trigger for him in the future.

I think that our deeper problem is that since his manic episodes are fairly “mild,” lasting only a day or so and involving only intense irritation and desire for control, and his psychiatrist (whom he trusts and doesn’t wish to change) says that he is treating him for depression (though one of the medications is Depakote), my husband is still not taking full ownership of his illness. This means that he doesn’t want to think about it or talk about it with me as an illness, so I never get the chance to discuss with him how it affects our relationship. He feels like if he’s taking his medication (usually) and seeing his doctor (sporadically) he’s doing what he needs to do — or rather what the doctor and I tell him he’s supposed to do. I don’t know how to help him get to the next step of taking responsibility for caring for himself, other than trying not to enable him.

As a supporter of a loved one with bipolar, I feel that great understanding and compassion must be shown. My loved one did not ask for this disorder, she is battling her way through it with doctors appointments, psycho therapists, and a seemingly endless series of people she sees and programs she is invoved in. She had a great career three years ago, flying all over Canada the U.S, and Europe, working with universities in computers, and then she got “whacked in the back” with this awful wave called bipolar. If we, as supporters, don’t understand where they are coming from, then we must learn more, and be the compassionate person we must be. We must understand where the person is coming from, and use our David Oliver skills in dealing with it. Thank you, David. You are practical and yet very intuitive. I appreciate this immensely.

I agree that adults can learn not to take it personally, but children have no understanding when their parent is ranting at them. My mother has had bipolar disorder since I was a child and I didn’t know it until recently. I have so many wounds from her words when I was little. I took the verbal abuse more than my brother, he remembers the fun they had when she was manic, I remember her verbal attacks. Children need to be told what to expect from a parent with bipolar and should be shielded as much as possible from any verbal abuse. My father did his best to protect me, but wasn’t always successful. I would really appreciate it if other children could be protected from this type of verbal abuse. Children will have a difficult time not taking it personally. Thank you so much for your e-mails they help me deal with my mother now. We live next door to my parents with our 7 children and most days are great and I am learning to deal with the bad days.

David,
What you are saying right now about considering the source is crucial to saving all kinds of relationships.Especially between bipolars and their supporters.
You speak a lot about your mother’s episodes and forgiving them by having gathered all the info needed to understand. My mother was bipolar – a terrible raging one. When she was OK, she did wonderful things for me – spectacular ones because she was a Medical Doctor : mending my accidents. Sewing clothes, writing letters and more. How I loved her.
Now, hear this : I too am bipolar and also blessed with a daughter who loves me. I had a husband who is still supportive but I wanted to divorce and leave my daughter with him and his parents.
All that I had to do to save my daughter from any mistakes I could continue to do in the new community we had moved to. Yet I saw them every month and spent a week every Summer as a family going on vacation. It was all normal.
Without a supportive man like him, who even told my daughter that mother has to move to get the help she needed for a good life. I was present too. That way our child never felt left out nor that she was at fault. She might be afraid that she too has inherited the trait.
I am certain that she has minimized any possibility because she takes good care of herself(No coffee,tobacco, alcohol or drugs, plenty of exercise and enough sleep) Ah, yes – she will be a qualified nurse come Christmas this year. So she is all too prepared should … But I have stressed the fact that she is not likely to have this trait.
Now this was a long story about a supporter who saw THE SOURCE but also a bipolar who desperately wanted to get better and save her daughter’s childhood.
Now I am happy to say out loud over the tree tops:
I AM A RECOVERED BIPOLAR BUT I WILL NEED TO STAY ON MEDICATION AND LEAD A REGULAR TAILORED LIFE.So please do take care all you others out there !

Hey David, I am really new at your site and am trying to gather info. Maybe you or some of your people can e-mail me some advice. My mother is also having some problems. We never knew that she had any type of mental illness. She has always been the most supportive loving, normal, and really mentally competent person I have ever known. She got injured and had several surgeries and got treated by a pain clinic with opiates for 14 years. She decided to check into a residential reahab clinic and quit taking opiates, This is where the fun began. A few weeks into her treatment she started to show some strange behaviors. The rehab center stopped letting her talk to us because they thought it was withdrawls and said she needed to focus on herself instead of trying to help other people. Then we got the call the she had been taken to a hospital to be checked out for this strange behavior. We called to check on her and she was in a full blown psychotic break. She didn’t know us, she was screaming and crying and scared of being murdered etc. She didn’t know my dad and she was laying on the floor at the hospital. We have all never seen or imagined her acting this way. They put her on anti psychotics and lithium and she is now starting to act fairly normal again. She still displays some strange behavior but knows us all and doesn’t feel like we are all in danger anymore. They are calling it bi-polar or mania or possibly a short term mania or maybe a long term that was covered by the opiates. Do you think she will return to normal after a while. Can we keep this from ever happening again? She is 56 years old and never had anything like this happen before. She is still in the hospital and has been there almost a week. She may get out tomorrow or the next day but she still seems off a little. Do you have any advice? Thanks
Eric

David,

I want to thank you for the tips I received as a bipolar supporter for more than 20 years. We unfotunatley lost the battle with my husband taking his own life. In South Africa it is so hard to have a person diagnosed with bipolar, doctors don’t even follow up after prescribing anti-depressants. If the 2 psychologists had taken time to see beneath the lies they were fed, we might have been able to get help.
Keep up the good work, maybe one day this will be understood by all doctors and psychologists and many families will be saved the abuse, suffering and heartache.

Yes! I’m actually babysitting my niece and nephew while I am writing this post. I actually dont have children neither have I ever been married.

My late Aunt, Elna taught me all about those “gold stars” that one would earn when a child in school as she was a very good teacher. She said once you just “got” the lesson, you earned urself the gold!!!! that feeling was just marvelous! This year my niece and nephew had bragging rights about that. For adults it’s a similar feeling of “achievement” especially if an insurmountable “mountainlike” obstacle posed as standing in the way of one’s goal.

I would imagine dealing daily with such a condition (not necessarily by way of a loved one) but colleagues or just total strangers passing by like ships puts tremendous pressure on one to “be pleasant” and adjust. Daily I have to interact with some with this I look at it as any other type of condition such as being an addict. I was actually speaking to someone to stated every condition has it’s own medication. Someone gentle is needed to gently remind others of the necessary medication.