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In your case, think of some patterns that keep on repeating themselves – things that, during episodes, you keep “bailing” your loved one out of, like the consequences of their episodes.

I’ve talked about the definition of insanity before: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. If you keep repeating the same behavior, then you are enabling your loved one.

Enabling is “bailing them out.” Rescuing them. Not making them take responsibility for their behavior. Covering up for them.

It’s anything you do that “enables” them to keep repeating their same old behavior.

See, the thing is, you can’t change them. You can’t change their behavior. You can’t make their choices for them. No matter how much you would like to.

The only one you can do anything about is yourself. You can only change yourself. You have got to stop enabling your loved one.

But boy, is it going to be hard.

Any habit that has been going on for any length of time is going to be hard to quit. But in this case, because your loved one has become used to you being there in a certain way, they are not going to take it well when you stop being there in that certain way.

For example, if they come to you for money during a manic episode, and in the past you’ve always given it to them, they are going to expect you to give it to them in their next episode.

Well, what would happen if you don’t give them money this time? They are not going to be happy about it if you don’t give them money this time, even if you try to explain why you aren’t giving it to them – that during their episode, they squandered the family’s money, and it just isn’t there to give to them this time.

What if you tell them that they need to take responsibility for the money they wasted during their episode?

Are they going to be mad? Probably. Are they going to understand? Probably not. Is it going to take a few times to make this a permanent change? Definitely so.

Things didn’t get this way overnight and will not become a permanent change overnight either.

The hard part for you is going to be not caving in. It would be so easy for you to just go back to the way things were before – to continue enabling your loved one.

I never said this would be easy, but in the long run, if you stop enabling your loved one, they will start taking responsibility for their own choices and behavior.

But if you really want permanent change here, you are going to have to stick to your guns. This will eventually work if you are persistent.

Your loved one will eventually learn that they can’t come to you for money (or whatever you’ve been enabling them), and that they will have to take responsibility for their actions and decisions and poor choices.

Then eventually, they will not overspend when they go into the episode, because they will learn that if they do, there won’t be money for them when they come out of the episode.

The only way to change the end of the movie is to change the plot of the movie. You are the director, and you have control over this.

Take control, and stop enabling your loved one – I know it will be hard, but I know you can do it, because I have heard from hundreds of people who have gotten my courses and have learned to do it, and I know it can be done!

Bipolar? What Does a Teacher Have to Do With You?

David Oliver September 9, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 6 Comments

Hi,

I hope you’re doing ok today.

Well, it’s back to school time.

You can tell, because every kind of store is having some kind of “Back to School Sale.”

You can also tell, because especially now the stores are more crowded, with parents

getting their children everything they need for the new school year.

College students are hitting the stores as well, buying what they need for their dorm rooms.

So all this back-to-school stuff got me thinking.

I was thinking about teachers.

About how they have to write lesson plans for their classes.

They have to know in advance what they are going to be teaching that week, that day… and some even have to make a monthly plan.

For one thing, it holds them accountable.

They can’t just teach anything they want to.

For another thing, if they have to be absent one day, their substitute teacher will have a Plan of Action to follow.

That’s what I wanted to talk to you about today.

Having a Plan of Action.

You may have already experienced a bipolar episode that has snuck up on you, and without any preparation, everything is all of a sudden upside down.

Things can get out of control very easily and very quickly.

You can get very confused, and not sure about what to do.

You’re in a battle without any preparation.

Like a substitute teacher “thrown to the wolves” without a lesson plan.

In my courses/systems, I always talk about planning for things in advance – like bipolar episodes.

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Did you know that some people already have their burial plots bought and paid for?

They have taken their life’s Plan of Action and extended it that far out.

Some people disagree with this, but I consider it good planning in advance.

Some young people already know where they’re going to go to college and what career they will go into.

That’s also good planning for the future.

People that don’t have a Plan of Action usually struggle when something unexpected happens.

Especially people who are dealing with bipolar disorder.

For example, what are you going to do if your loved one doesn’t want to take their medication any more?

That’s one of the biggest problems that other supporters have written about or asked me about.

You need to have a Plan of Action.

What are you going to do if your loved one needs to be hospitalized?

You need to have a Plan of Action for that as well.

And you especially need a Plan of Action for when your loved one goes into an episode.

You need to consider things like what you’re going to do about finances.

Otherwise, in a manic episode, your loved one could easily devastate your finances.

With a Plan of Action, you can protect your finances.

There are other things, too –

Like your loved one’s medical care.

What are you going to do if they refuse to go for treatment?

You need to have a Plan of Action for that.

A Plan of Action doesn’t have to be something really hard or extensive.

(In fact, the simpler it is, the easier it will be to implement when you need to use it.)

But say, in the example of finances that I was talking about before.

While your loved one is NOT in an episode, you can both decide what to do if they do go into an episode. Will they have access to money? Or how will you be able to control their excessive spending during a manic episode?

These are just some questions to consider.

The stronger and more complete your Plan of Action is, the better prepared you will be when you need it.

Do you have a Plan of Action?

If you don’t, don’t delay and do it right away so you’ll be ready.

Bipolar Disorder? Make sure you accept this

David Oliver September 8, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 6 Comments

Hi,

How are you?

I hope you’re doing well.

I want to tell you about a woman I read about.

This woman was so obsessed with perfection that she literally made herself sick.

The problem was, in her eyes, her body was fat.

Every time she looked in the mirror, she saw herself as fat.

Now, that didn’t make it true, it’s just the way she saw herself.

She would read magazines and want to be as thin and perfect as the models in the magazines.

She wanted a perfect body.

So she practically starved herself to get one.

There is such a thing as losing too much weight, however, and/or losing it in the wrong way.

Instead of simply eating a healthy diet and losing weight slowly like she should have, she just stopped eating almost altogether.

She did drink water, however, and lots of it.

The water only flushed out needed nutrients, though.

The next thing she knew, she was in the hospital with an almost fatal blood pressure and loss of electrolytes in her body.

She was down to 95 pounds.

But she still thought she was fat.

In the hospital, they had to give her several bags of fluids to get her blood pressure back up.

She was very weak, and very sick.

The problem was not in her body, it was in her mind.

She wanted to be perfect, and almost died in the process.

———————————————————————–

Imperfection is a fact of life.

It’s hard to accept our own imperfections, much less someone else’s.

This woman became obsessed with a perfect body.

You know I work out a lot, and I see men all the time who are trying to do the same thing.

Instead of just accepting that they aren’t Superman, they try and try to “buff up” not for healthy reasons, but for personal reasons.

Like this woman, they are unhappy with

their bodies.

They think that if they just work out enough, they will have “six-pack abs” and all the rest, and then their life will be perfect.

That’s the wrong way to approach it, though.

It’s one thing to try to improve yourself.

It’s quite another thing if your motivation is to be perfect.

Sometimes it’s hard for a supporter of a loved one with bipolar disorder to accept their own limitations.

They want to be the perfect supporter.

In my courses/systems, I talk about what makes a good supporter. But never do I say that you have to be perfect at it.

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All you can do is be the best supporter you can be, and accept that you’re not going to be perfect.

No one is.

If you’re looking for the magic formula that tells you how to be the perfect supporter, you won’t find one.

But if you can accept your own imperfections, it will be easier to accept your loved one’s imperfections.

No matter how much they try or what they do, your loved one will never be the perfect bipolar survivor, either.

There’s an expression that says, “It’s ok to strive for perfection, as long as you accept that you will never arrive there.”

If you accept your loved one as they are, understanding that they are trying their best to recover, things will be much easier for you.

Just don’t expect them to be perfect.

And don’t expect yourself to be perfect, either.

Bipolar Disorder? You Determine the Outcome

David Oliver September 7, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 11 Comments

Hi,

Sorry for the delay. I had to go to the gym this morning because it closes early.

How are you doing today?

I hope you’re doing well.

Let me ask you something:

Have you ever watched two people playing a game of chess?

They’re so serious.

Each move is precise.

That’s because each move determines the outcome.

Just one move can mean the difference between winning or losing the game.

Coping and dealing with bipolar disorder is like that.

Oh, not that it’s a game by any means.

More like a war.

And a war is made up of battles.

Each battle is precisely planned.

It’s called STRATEGY.

Your strategy, too, determines the outcome, whether it’s a game of chess or a war.

Or your battle with bipolar disorder.

In my courses/systems, I discuss the fact that you need to develop strategies in order to control bipolar disorder.

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http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews446

And these strategies determine the outcome of your battle.

If you went into a chess game without any strategy, you will lose the game, because I guarantee you that your opponent will be using strategy against you.

If you went into a war without any strategy, you would lose that war, because I guarantee you that your enemy will be using strategy against you.

And if you’re trying to cope and deal with bipolar disorder without a strategy, you will lose as well.

Stability is all about carefully planned moves.

And your strategy will determine the outcome.

The war against bipolar disorder is a war that you CAN win, though.

I know, because my mom has.

And I have scores of testimonials from others who have done it as well.

I helped my mom develop her strategies, made up of planning and systems.

And each move she makes determines the outcome – her stability.

As long as she follows the plans, systems, and strategies, she stays stable.

Which she has now, for a long time.

Some of her strategies are:

• getting good sleep

• eating right

• taking her medications

• following a routine

• seeing her doctors and therapist

• avoiding her bipolar triggers

• watching for signs/symptoms

of an impending episode

Some supporter strategies would include:

• making sure your loved one

takes their medication

• good communication with your

loved one

• being supportive and understanding

• keeping a safe, peaceful home

environment for your loved one

• avoiding your loved one’s triggers

(and helping them to avoid them)

• watching for signs/symptoms of an

oncoming episode

• planning in advance what to do if

they need to go to the hospital

And remembering that the enemy is NOT your loved one – it’s their bipolar disorder.

You may still lose some battles with bipolar disorder – your loved one may still have setbacks and episodes – but with good strategy, you WILL win the war!

Current Bipolar News

David Oliver September 4, 2009 | September 4, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message Leave a Comment

Hi,

Here’s the bipolar news.

If you are in the United States, enjoy your holiday weekend.

Anyway, here’s the news.

To read this week’s news visit:

Age of Onset Affects Clinical Outcomes in Bipolar

DO> Great article for all dealing with bipolar disorder.

PA Psych Worker Gives Patient Nails to Eat

DO> What do you think of this article???

Mothers Question Schools Ability to Assist Special

Needs …

DO> This is a growing problem all over the world

Genetic Link is the Key to Unlocking Depression

DO> Hopefully they will be able to nail this down.

Young Manic-Depressives may Outgrow their Condition

DO> Very interesting article, what do you think?

For these stories and more, please visit:

http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews446

==>Help with ALL aspects of bipolar disorder<<==

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:

http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Bipolar Disorder Changes People

David Oliver September 3, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 12 Comments

Hi,

How’s your day going?

I hope it is a good day for you.

They say that life experiences change people.

Remember Hurricane Katrina?

Those people’s lives were forever changed by a natural disaster.

It was a horrible life experience for them.

But now they have a chance to start over and make changes.

Divorce changes people.

Have you ever known anyone who got divorced (or gotten divorced yourself)?

Then you know that divorce definitely changes people.

Two people that may have been in love at one time now may hate each other, or at least have nothing good to say about each other.

They’re different people now.

They may be bitter.

Changing careers can change a person as well.

They may have to adapt to a whole new way of doing things than they did at their other job.

And aging definitely changes people.

All their life experiences combined change them from who they were at one time to who they are now.

We are all the result of our life experiences.

Good and bad.

Having children, for example.

Somehow, being responsible for a small baby changes people.

For one thing, it makes them more serious and responsible.

They want to be a good parent, so they change into one.

Other experiences change people, too.

Finding out that you have an incurable disease can really change you.

Like bipolar disorder.

In my courses/systems, I discuss how a person changes when they’ve got bipolar disorder.

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But what I do in my courses/systems is encourage change for the better.

Okay, let’s talk about the down side first.

Your loved one may become a different person because of the disorder.

They are definitely different when they go through episodes as opposed to when they are in a normal period.

If your loved one gets depressed, they are not the same person you usually know.

They may be sad, lose interest in things, feel helpless and hopeless, or even talk of suicide.

Of course this is a bad experience.

If your loved one gets manic, they also experience changes.

They may be more energetic and/or be excessively happy, which sound like they would be good things, but for someone in a bipolar manic episode, they aren’t.

They may become very impulsive, do risk-taking behavior, and make bad decisions.

So a manic episode is a bad experience as well.

However, let’s look at the other side of the coin.

Yes, bipolar disorder does change a person, but sometimes it’s for the better.

For one thing, now you have a reason for why your loved one said and did the things they did.

Bipolar disorder can make a person more determined.

Many people refuse to let the disorder rule their lives, so they do what they can to be in control of it instead of it being in control of them.

Bipolar disorder can make a person take more responsibility for themselves.

Many people, bound for stability, will make the necessary life changes to insure that stability.

They will take medication, go to see their doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist on a regular basis,

learn stress reduction techniques, eat a healthy diet, get better sleep, exercise, etc.

Bipolar disorder can also change your loved one into someone who may have been a pessimist

before, but now is an optimist, believing that they can recover from the disorder.

All our life experiences change us.

But it’s up to us whether they change us for the better or for the worse.

How has bipolar disorder changed your loved one?

How has bipolar disorder changed you?

Bipolar Disorder? Don’t Try Too Hard

David Oliver September 2, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 9 Comments

Hi,

How’s it going?

I hope you are fine.

I was talking to this woman and she told me this story about her daughter:

The girl was going to be in the school Spelling Bee.

She studied for weeks and weeks and weeks.

She knew how to spell some of the hardest words in the English language.

She would study so hard sometimes that her mom would find her asleep with the study guide still in her hands.

It was all she thought about for many weeks.

Then the big day came.

The day of the Spelling Bee, the girl was ready.

She had studied her heart out, and was confident that she would win.

She made it to the very last round, and then…

(scroll down for rest of story)

Keep scrolling…

Almost there…

She misspelled one of the easiest words she could have gotten.

She lost the Spelling Bee because she had studied TOO hard.

She knew all the hard words, but missed out because of an easy one.

As a supporter to a loved one with bipolar disorder, you can try too hard, too.

In my courses/systems, I’ve tried to make it simple for you to learn how to be a good supporter:

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But you can still try too hard and, like the little girl studying for her Spelling Bee, you can miss the easy parts.

For example:

You might be so educated about bipolar episodes, yet miss out on the daily encouragement that your loved one needs from you.

I guess what I’m saying is, don’t overlook the small things.

They are just as important.

Don’t try so hard to be the perfect supporter that you make yourself sick, either.

Some supporters do that.

They try too hard to be the perfect supporter.

They give so much to their loved one that they don’t take care of their own needs.

When a supporter tries too hard in that way, they can make themselves sick.

You have to take care of yourself first.

The little things.

Like eating healthy, exercising, and getting good sleep.

Like having your own support system.

Like having friends and a social

life.

Like having your own interests.

Like having fun.

You have to take care of your own health (physical and emotional), because what if you get sick and can’t take care of your loved one?

It is possible to try too hard to be a good supporter.

Just remember the small things, while you’re trying to fight the big things.

Remember that the simplest, but most important thing you should do is just support your loved one.

Do you struggle with the big things sometimes to the point of forgetting the small things?

It’s easy to do.

How have you handled some of these things?

Bipolar? Don’t Be Afraid of This

David Oliver September 1, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 8 Comments

Hi,

How are you?

I hope you’re doing well today.

Let me tell you (you already know) – there is a lot of fear in this world.

People fear all sorts of things –

Spiders…

Dark places…

“Monsters”…

The future…

Losing their loved ones…

Dying…

Losing their job…

Being alone…

I’ll tell you, there are a lot of psychiatrists making a lot of money off people’s fears!

I was talking to a man the other day who has bipolar disorder.

I asked him what his greatest fear was with bipolar disorder.

He told me it was change.

He said he is mostly stable, but his moods can change at any time, and that scares him.

Let me tell you, this guy is 6’5” and weighs 240 pounds.

You would think that nothing would scare him.

But here he is with bipolar disorder, and he is afraid of change.

That’s why, in my courses/systems, I spend so much time talking about stability. Because the more stable you are, the less you have to fear.

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Many people fear change.

They get used to things being a certain way, and they get comfortable.

Then something changes, and they are thrown off course.

That’s what happens with bipolar disorder.

You and your loved one could be the most financially secure people in the world…

BUT…

One manic episode can wipe out your finances.

You and your loved one could be the closest couple in the world…

BUT…

One episode of rage can cause a rift between you.

You and your loved one could have the most successful business in the world…

BUT…

One depressive episode can destroy your loved one’s ability to manage that business.

But let’s go back to one thing that this man told me.

Something which I think is key to his problems.

He said he was “mostly stable.”

It’s only when you reach full stability that you lose your fear of change.

Because, for the most part, you can trust that you aren’t going to go into an episode.

You don’t have to fear the changes that an episode brings.

You don’t have to worry about your relationship with your supporter.

And if you’re really stable…

You won’t even fear a change in medication, should that become necessary.

You’ll just realize that that is a part of life with the disorder.

And if you’re really stable…

You won’t fear if you have to change your doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist.

You’ll just realize that things happen beyond our control sometimes.

So the key to not being afraid of change…

Is STABILITY.

Are you or your loved one still living in fear of bipolar episodes?

The best way to fight that fear is to strive for stability.

Agree or disagree?

Bipolar Disorder? Are You Continuing This?

David Oliver August 31, 2009 Daily Bipolar Disorder Message 15 Comments

Hi,

How are you today?

I’ve been noticing all the things you can buy for a college dorm room in the stores lately.

It’s amazing, really.

Even mini-refrigerators!

And all kinds of space savers.

So it made me think about these students.

They’re going to college to further their education.

They are trying to better themselves.

Well, you may not be going back to college, but let me ask you this:

Are you continuing to better yourself?

Everybody has gifts and talents – things that they are good at doing.

A teacher, for example – not everyone can be one, and you remember the ones that were really good for the rest of your life.

If you have children, you want them to have the best education possible, so naturally you want a teacher who has a talent and a gift for teaching.

Well, teachers always have to work on bettering themselves.

They have to go for what’s called CEU’s (Continuing Education Units) so they can improve themselves as teachers.

People in general should try to better themselves, too.

But a supporter particularly – that’s why one of the things I teach in my courses/systems is how to be a better supporter.

SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?

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