Hi,
How’s it going today?
Today’s topic is VERY important, because you may be doing something that could be hurting both your loved one and yourself, without meaning to.
What am I talking about?
It’s called ENABLING.
Enabling is different than supporting. Enabling is when you do things for your loved one that they can do for themselves.
And you think you’re helping them, but in reality, you’re really making things worse for both of you.
It’s real easy for this to happen when you’re a supporter of a loved one who has bipolar disorder. I’m not saying this makes you a bad person or anything – in fact, it says just the opposite – just that you may be trying too hard.
Here’s an example of an enabler: Say, the father of a drug addict, and his son keeps getting thrown in jail, and the father just keeps bailing him out of jail. This pattern keeps repeating.
So the son learns that every time he gets arrested, he can call his father, and his father will bail him out of jail. The father is enabling his son to continue the pattern.
But what would happen if just one time, the father wouldn’t bail his son out of jail?
What if he told his son that from now on, he wouldn’t bail him out of jail, but hoped he would stay out of trouble, but that if he didn’t, here was the name of a bail bondsman?
See what I mean?
In my courses and systems I teach all about enabling, and how not to be an enabler, because it can be an easy pattern to fall into:
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In your case, think of some patterns that keep on repeating themselves – things that, during episodes, you keep “bailing” your loved one out of, like the consequences of their episodes.
I’ve talked about the definition of insanity before: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. If you keep repeating the same behavior, then you are enabling your loved one.
Enabling is “bailing them out.” Rescuing them. Not making them take responsibility for their behavior. Covering up for them.
It’s anything you do that “enables” them to keep repeating their same old behavior.
See, the thing is, you can’t change them. You can’t change their behavior. You can’t make their choices for them. No matter how much you would like to.
The only one you can do anything about is yourself. You can only change yourself. You have got to stop enabling your loved one.
But boy, is it going to be hard.
Any habit that has been going on for any length of time is going to be hard to quit. But in this case, because your loved one has become used to you being there in a certain way, they are not going to take it well when you stop being there in that certain way.
For example, if they come to you for money during a manic episode, and in the past you’ve always given it to them, they are going to expect you to give it to them in their next episode.
Well, what would happen if you don’t give them money this time? They are not going to be happy about it if you don’t give them money this time, even if you try to explain why you aren’t giving it to them – that during their episode, they squandered the family’s money, and it just isn’t there to give to them this time.
What if you tell them that they need to take responsibility for the money they wasted during their episode?
Are they going to be mad? Probably. Are they going to understand? Probably not. Is it going to take a few times to make this a permanent change? Definitely so.
Things didn’t get this way overnight and will not become a permanent change overnight either.
The hard part for you is going to be not caving in. It would be so easy for you to just go back to the way things were before – to continue enabling your loved one.
I never said this would be easy, but in the long run, if you stop enabling your loved one, they will start taking responsibility for their own choices and behavior.
But if you really want permanent change here, you are going to have to stick to your guns. This will eventually work if you are persistent.
Your loved one will eventually learn that they can’t come to you for money (or whatever you’ve been enabling them), and that they will have to take responsibility for their actions and decisions and poor choices.
Then eventually, they will not overspend when they go into the episode, because they will learn that if they do, there won’t be money for them when they come out of the episode.
The only way to change the end of the movie is to change the plot of the movie. You are the director, and you have control over this.
Take control, and stop enabling your loved one – I know it will be hard, but I know you can do it, because I have heard from hundreds of people who have gotten my courses and have learned to do it, and I know it can be done!
Post responses below
Hi just wanted to say your article on Enabeling has been an eye opener for me,all the information you give is proving really usfull,i appreciate your support Thankyou Deanne.
Thanks so much — I definitely enable my daughter, however, not with money, because she has many lows — I am trying to deal with this disease and get a handle on how to handle things — I’m definitely a beginner. Could you let me know if these is a support group somewhere in New Jersey — I Live in Essex county. Thanks so much.
David,
Thanks for your comments on enabling. It took me ten years to discontinue enabling my alcholic husband, but I learned pretty much how to handle my son’s bipolar events within a few months…..The dependence was much the same, nothing I could say or do helped, I had to bow out and let them face the consequences. What an eyeopener!!
Another wonderful help with my husband’s addiction was the joint communications with persons in a support group. I highly recommended this to everyone out there.
For many years I have enabled my daughter ( who has BP); I have interceded for her when she couldn’t pay her way, I have given her my bank card on numerous occasions , I have blamed others for her Bipolar episodes, I have sheltered her from the reality of her disease: and yes you are right Dave to change the way we relate to our loved ones is a very difficult process, and Im still not through the process- its like you said in order change the end of the movie ya gotta change the story line.
I came to this decision after many years of doing the same enabling things over and over again!!!! until I read your column Dave.The old ways weren’t working – in fact they ( enabling) were making things even more difficult for my daughter to accept her condition and do something about it.When my daughter became very psychotic and a danger to herself I knew I had to change the way I did things, or lose her.
So the first thing I did was tell her she was very very unwell and I was hospitalizing her for her safety: she became very angry and abusive( this was the first time I had totally disagreed with her self diagnosis ( i.e. that she was sane and every one else was at fault). That action( by me) was pivotal since in doing so I had broken the enabling hold I had over my daughter.My daughter would not see me for 2-3 months whilst she was in the intensive care unit at the hospital- but I would still go to the hospital and sit in the waiting room and wait my time there ( reading books and playing with her two children out on the grass then after the hour was up I/we would leave.
suffice to say that turning point has changed for ever the way I view my daughter’s disorder.the old enabling ways still creep in now and then: like giving her money to buy herself things or go to the movies when really she should be saving up for her own treats ( some habits die hard)but never again will allow myself to be convinced that the only way to help my daughter when she is becoming unwell is to either agree with her really insane ideas or do nothing in order to keep the peace.
Rachel has been 4 1/2 months stable she holds down a research postion in the University and we have a happy stable quiet home for Rachel her two boys and me.
So thank you Dave for all your help .
Regards
Shona
Hi,
I definitely agree that people should not enable each other, whether the issue at hand is bipolar disorder or something else. It’s very destructive to all involved.
In addition to that, I notice a great disparity in the implications that there is, or should be a direct relationship between people with bipolar behaving in positive ways and a system of (perceived) rewards–so called “bail outs” and (perceived) losses like NOT being “bailed out.”
I have always, always been a huge advocate for taking personal responsibility for behaviors that were the result of bipolar illness. I don’t think the “why” excuses the “what.”
But, as someone who has the disorder, and who knows lots of people who do, I simply do not believe that this is as simple as “getting bailed out,” or having to “face up” to negative consequences.
I have seen here, a thousand times, comments about how people “in an episode” are not capable of being logical. I agree with that much. Behavior mod (“the bail out” vs “step up and deal” requires the capability to process reasonably.
It’s very simplistic, and without consideration of the effects of this illness, to suggest that you can make a person control or change their symptoms by “giving/taking away.”
Responsible for mistakes – YES
Can we be persuaded by this kind of behavior modification idea to kind of “knock off” those behaviors? NO
You might be able to persuade a child to change using behavior modification. You can’t stop symptoms this way any more than you could alter the course of cancer by manipulating the patient –
We are responsible for what we do when we’re symptomatic. But we can’t NOT have symptoms just because somebody “made” us deal with whatever unpleasant consequence.
That would be true only IF people had total control over their symptoms in the first place, if they pushed a button whenever they decided to have an episode.