Hi,
How’s it going?
I hope you are fine.
I was talking to this woman and she told me this story about her daughter:
The girl was going to be in the school Spelling Bee.
She studied for weeks and weeks and weeks.
She knew how to spell some of the hardest words in the English language.
She would study so hard sometimes that her mom would find her asleep with the study guide still in her hands.
It was all she thought about for many weeks.
Then the big day came.
The day of the Spelling Bee, the girl was ready.
She had studied her heart out, and was confident that she would win.
She made it to the very last round, and then…
(scroll down for rest of story)
Keep scrolling…
Almost there…
She misspelled one of the easiest words she could have gotten.
She lost the Spelling Bee because she had studied TOO hard.
She knew all the hard words, but missed out because of an easy one.
As a supporter to a loved one with bipolar disorder, you can try too hard, too.
In my courses/systems, I’ve tried to make it simple for you to learn how to be a good supporter:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
But you can still try too hard and, like the little girl studying for her Spelling Bee, you can miss the easy parts.
For example:
You might be so educated about bipolar episodes, yet miss out on the daily encouragement that your loved one needs from you.
I guess what I’m saying is, don’t overlook the small things.
They are just as important.
Don’t try so hard to be the perfect supporter that you make yourself sick, either.
Some supporters do that.
They try too hard to be the perfect supporter.
They give so much to their loved one that they don’t take care of their own needs.
When a supporter tries too hard in that way, they can make themselves sick.
You have to take care of yourself first.
The little things.
Like eating healthy, exercising, and getting good sleep.
Like having your own support system.
Like having friends and a social
life.
Like having your own interests.
Like having fun.
You have to take care of your own health (physical and emotional), because what if you get sick and can’t take care of your loved one?
It is possible to try too hard to be a good supporter.
Just remember the small things, while you’re trying to fight the big things.
Remember that the simplest, but most important thing you should do is just support your loved one.
Do you struggle with the big things sometimes to the point of forgetting the small things?
It’s easy to do.
How have you handled some of these things?
Post responses below
Keep saying this Dave. The supporters need to be reenforced daily. I AM making myself sick. Thanks for all your help.
Dave i am done with james my husband i cant take the lieing the sex games that are going on with whores and other people and using my money to do it with to tell you the truth i was trying tihard but he just tossed it away like it was nothing i mean my love for him he has killed that and he also said to me that he will kill me and my son ijust dont want anything to do with him anymore someone needs to step in and put him in a hospital until he gets his meds right he might hurt someone else. i know he is bi-polar but i think he is also mean thanks for being there everyone should think about their selfs and their family before they stay with someone who is bi-polar thanks della
I hear you Della – been there done that.
Protect yourself and your son.
Step off the path of his destruction.
Heal yourself and your son.
Regardless of the diagnosis, no-one has to put up with intolerable behavior from someone else or terroristic threats!
Thanks again Dave. I am missing the small things. You always seem to know the right e-mail at the right time. Many thanks.
Yes yes yes Dave, we supporters must look after ourselves , but we must all be so careful aknowledge the daily life of our loved ones with Bipolar ( even when they are stable- this morning my daughter took awhile to get up- yep she loves her new job and the whole idea of returning to a balanced life and community interactin but thta doesn’t mean to say her Bipolar goes on holiday – its still there – she still goes through dips and troughs in her daily mood and she still has to monitor what is happening to her. To get back to this morning – she wasn’t her lets do it !!! I had to bite my tongue – about how she was so lucky to have a job in these recession hit times blah blah……….. and I suddenly realised that unlike me – my daughter never knows what sort of mood she may wake up into- and I never have to second guess myself as a result. So I waited until she told me about the aspects of her job she hated and that was DATA ENTRY”!!! oh my how she hated that…. and it looked like she would be doing that job for a while……..So I guess my job was to turn it all around so she could see the glass half full instead of half empty.Soooo I commiserated with her , and then I offered my one of my own tricks for getting through piles of boring work …. I make a game of the task- I figure out how long it would take me to do a repetitive task then……I race my self against the clock to complete X numbers of tasks they have to be perfect otherwize( in my mind anyway ) I lose time points and if I win I…. get a prize a sweetie or a walk down to the cafe for a real great coffee or ( if its a huge task) a special thing Ive been dreaming of, especially if I finish the task on time with NO mistakes. I make a game out of an odious task to dissassociate the negative framing from the task and put it into positive framing there’s a prize at the end of each step.The thing is the quicker the odious task is done the less time I will fret over it.
Anyway probably what Im saying is Dave thanks for all that you write , always its is timely ,positive and helfpul
Regards Shona
DELLA, your husband really needs to go into treatment. Maybe you can go to the psych ward of the local hospital and speak to someone there. That’s what I did just over a year ago when my boyfriend was in a very bad episode. He had already been diagnosed with bipolar ten years ago. It wasn’t his first episode and probably won’t be his last – right now he is in a depression. Usually when someone is in a manic episode, they are not aware of half the things they say and do. From what you’re describing your husband is not himself right now and does need help. I hope you will be able to get it for him and also, as other people have said, you need to protect yourself. If he is a danger to you or to himself you should have the authority to get him to the psych ward to be assessed and put on meds. It depends where you live, though. I suggest you go and see a doctor and find out what you can do to help your husband.
I agree dave your always on the ball for us. I am making myself sick at moment because I don,t know what to do next, I am a supporter, when she lets me. a couple of weeks ago she tried to kill herself 3 times, lucky her best friend was there. We took her to hospital as not only is she bi-polar she is anerexic. 5ft 7in and weighs 35kilos and an alcholic as well. they admited her and 36 hours later girlfriend is told she discharged herself. She rang my daughter to see why and was told she was discharged. She is a nurse herself and demanded to see discharge papers. They had put my daughter and belongings out as had no beds. she had no money, they never called anyone to collect her and she lives a fair way from hospital. even when she got home had to wait for her 16yr old to come home from school to get in, as hospital had sent purse/keys home when admitted. she refuses to see her dad & I. I am scared for her as she is still same. no referals to drs. or anyone was given to her, they have never checked even by phone. this is syd. australia and there medical system. no one can give me any advice as to next move. thanks for listening.
Dave,
I used to just glance at your emails, thinking that they didn’t apply to my situation, until one day I read the one that asked if your loved one was willing to change. That email has changed my life forever. I now read everyone over and over and forward them to all my in-laws, in hopes that they can get a better understanding as well. I am married to a wonderful, caring man that is both ADHD and Bi-polar. We have 2 beautiful children. In the 7 years we have been married we have lost everything more than once, he couldn’t keep a job,would lie about the littlest things and seemed not to care if we starved or not. We moved into his parents house after I had to have 2 back surgeries and could not work. This change in our life ultimately led to us seperating for several months. While we were seperated it seemed that he was getting his act together and becoming the man that I fell in love with, but a s soon as I moved back in he has resorted to the same behaviors that led to me leaving. Now I have lost myself again trying to keep up with all the responsibilities myself. He has managed to keep his job at the mill and he also D.J.s at the bar on fri and sat night, but he does nothing else to contribute to our family. I also have 2 jobs, I am a bartender so I don’t get home from work until 4am sometimes, by the time I’m ready to go to sleep it is 6am. My kids wake up at 7 or 8 and I get up with them every morning. He works swings and gets home at 11:30, but then stays up till 5 or 6 playing video games. He says he will get up with them so I can sleep but then never does, and they end up running free or waking me up. He sleeps thru them yelling and playing, me and his family coming in and out of the room, and even people trying to wake him up. Then at 12 or 1 he will wake up and lay in bed to “wake up”, all the time watching me while I pack his lunch for work, get his work clothes ready, and make sure that he has his meds, money, cigarettes and whatever else he may need. He snaps at me if I have any kind of an attitude towards him, or he aplogizes and tell me he doesn’t deserve me. He leaves for work and I’m left to do the chores and cook dinner for the entire family,get the kids ready for bed and go to work. When I come home from work there is a mess for me to clean up before I can get into bed. Also I have to get up with the kids in the middle of the night as well(they are 3 & 4). I am burned out and becoming very resentful. Living with his family has put even more of a strain on our marriage. His mother is demanding and controlling and has his day planned out for him before he opens his eyes. He’s expected to be her personal carpenter and fix-it man, I’m expected to cook for the entire family(grandma,grandpa,me,2kids,zac(my husband, and auntie. We are all 4 living in the garage that’s been converted into a room. She rules the house with an iron fist and has expectations of us that are unreasonable and unfair. My husband has been the “special one” in the family,he has 3 brothers and a sister. The whole family talks to him like he is nothing, constantly pointing out his mistakes and degrading him, but he’s the first onr they call when they need some help or want something. His mother thinks that as long as he his doing what she thinks should be done that I should be tolerant his shortcomings because he has “issues”. She has even told me that it is my responsibility as his wife to do these things because he won’t,(taking meds,making appts,hygiene,ect), she has no tolerance of me being tired or sick or sad. We are both in counseling to try and improve individually for each other and the kids, our counselors insisted that we have a date night 1x a week, so we don’t forget about pour relationship. His mother refuses to babysit the kids so we can have alone time, her response is “you don’t get alone time when you have kids, you can go on a date when they move out”. She won’t watch them while I’m at work, I have to pay someone to sit with the kids until they fall asleep, even though both their grandparents are home all night. When any of the other kids call and ask if they will watch the kids so they can get alone time, she agrees whole-heartedly and then when the kids are dropped off they are ushered into our room where I end up babysitting them.I’m torn with what is the right thing to do in this situation. i was raised to do as your elders tell you and we live in their house so it’s their rules. I would never ask him to disregard his mother for me so I constantly defer to her wants. She demands so much from him all the time that when I ask him to do anything he just ignores me and doesn’t do anything at all,and I refuse to scream and yell as she does in front of the kids so I end up just doing it all myself. What do I do? At what point do I say enough is enough, I don’t want to lose my husband but at this rate I don’t have one anyway. I feel like I have another child to raise. Our 4yr old son has just been diagnosed with aspberger autism and requires alot of care and appts.I feel like I’m failing him as a mother because I’m always so busy picking up the peices that my husband left behind! Plus my children are starting to ignore me and tell me no, just like thier father does. I cannot afford the price of your courses and do not have any cards I could put it on( due to my husbands disease. I am desperate to keep my family together. I truly believe that when we move out of his parents, things will get better, but will it? Please help a wife and mother who has run out of answers.