Hi,

You know, we go along sometimes, and we take things for granted. Like we take for granted that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. We just do, right? Why? Because it rose today. And we expect that our loved one is going to be stable today, right? Why? Because they were stable yesterday. We just take that for granted. Some things we just take for granted. Well, some things we can just take for granted. But what about the other things? What about when you can’t take it for granted that your loved one is going to be stable today just because they were stable yesterday? What if something triggers them today and they go into a bipolar episode?

That can still happen no matter how long they have been stable. That’s why I always warn supporters to be aware of their loved one’s triggers and to always watch for them.

Because you can take things for granted TOO much, and then get into trouble. The point is…

You need to expect the unexpected. You need to try to plan for every eventuality when it comes to bipolar disorder. That way you’re not taken by surprise…And the next thing you know…

Your loved one is in a bipolar episode and you totally did NOT expect that! Like what happened to this couple that I know…

They were planning this long distance move. They had planned everything out to the letter, and even to the last penny. They had saved all their money for the move. They had given notice to their landlady. They had gotten a new apartment in the new state they were moving to…Paid the deposits and already gotten everything turned on like the electricity and water and everything…

Forwarded their mail…Transferred their bank accounts…Had everything packed in boxes and crates and were living out of a small suitcase and eating fast food…Told everyone they were moving…Said their goodbyes…And were all ready to go in 5 days. Then the unexpected happened.

The husband had a major car accident and ended up in the hospital. They thought they had planned for everything…But they hadn’t planned on that. They had not planned on the unexpected to happen, and they were totally unprepared for it.

They decided to go ahead with the move anyway, even though he had to stay behind for a month in a rehab hospital before he could join her in the new city. It was rough going, but she was able to hold onto her bipolar stability and not go into a bipolar episode, because she kept taking her bipolar medication, and kept her stress levels to a minimum, in spite of a major move (it helped that she had family for support where she was moving to).

The point is, you need to be able to expect the unexpected. When it comes to bipolar disorder, you need to plan and plan…And then plan some more.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Did you know that two people, growing up in the same environment, can turn out completely

different? Consider this case study:

Carlos and Jose Gonzales grew up with a single mother who had to work two jobs to support them. Because of this, she was rarely home. She tried the best she could, however, to be a good mother. It took every penny she made to keep a roof over her sons’ heads and food in their mouths. Unfortunately, this meant that they couldn’t exactly live in the best neighborhood or go to the best schools. Although she tried to keep their home environment an emotionally healthy one and to give her boys all the love that she could, the fact that there was no good male role model rubbed off negatively on Carlos. He began running with a street gang and got involved with drugs at an early age. Because of this, he turned to theft to support his habit, and got arrested and put in jail. His brother Jose, however, never did those things, and ended up going to college on a scholarship, got out of his bad neighborhood, and became a successful lawyer, eventually even moving his mother out of that bad area.

——————————————————————————————————————–

This story just goes to show that it’s not what you’re “dealt” in life that counts, but what you do with it. In other words, it’s not the fact that you (or your loved one) have bipolar disorder, it’s what you do with it that counts.

I even saw on a commercial the other day (maybe you’ve seen it too) a girl surfing with one arm!

I was so impressed! Here’s this young girl who didn’t even let the fact that she only has one arm stop her from surfing. So why should you or your loved one let bipolar disorder stop you from living a full, productive, healthy, successful, and happy life? My mother hasn’t!

There was a time when her bipolar disorder did stop her from having a good life…A time when she had such a bad bipolar episode that it practically had her bedridden…But after I began slowly helping her come out of that episode…Helping her see that what she had been doing

wasn’t working for her…And trying new techniques and methods and strategies to cope and deal with her bipolar disorder…Helping her get a GOOD doctor to help her get better…And helping her get on the right medication for her disorder…To help her manage the debt that her bipolar

disorder had gotten her into…And to do the things she needed to do for herself to help her get better…Well…Her life improved to where it is today!

And today she is healthy, she is productive, she is working, she is successful, she is stable, and she is happy. And there is no reason that your loved one can’t be too.

If the two of you work together to fight their bipolar disorder (instead of fighting each other), then you have a better chance at winning against this thing.

Remember, it’s what you do with it that counts! Do something positive!

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

It’s been raining a lot lately. I’ve been hearing about all the flooding that’s been happening around the country. In fact, it’s even happened around where I live. I mean, one day I could go to this area and go shopping…And the next day the road just wasn’t there! It was so weird! And the things you saw, too. Like the man who took his dog out in the rain. The man was drenched…But the dog was “swimming” in the rain, having an absolute blast! But looking at the man, it reminded me of the saying: “Doesn’t have enough sense to come in out of the rain.” It means that you can have all the intelligence or book smarts in the world, and still not have common sense.

I mean, there are just some things that you can’t learn from books, things that should come naturally. Things like how to cope and deal with your loved one’s bipolar disorder…That are things that you should have learned in how to cope and deal with life in general. For example…

You shouldn’t get too overwhelmed by things. T

Hi,

It’s obvious that things like a heart attack or stroke would be considered a trauma, wouldn’t you agree? Well, experts liken the following things to trauma level as well:

• Change in job

• Marriage

• Divorce

• Having a baby

• Graduating from school

• Buying a house

• Getting a new car

• Moving

• Having an operation

It’s easy to see how these things might be considered so, when you think of it in light of the fact that they are all major changes in a person’s life. But the reason they consider these things actual

traumas is that they elicit physical responses in people – remember the old “fight or flight” response? Well, it’s something like that. They can bring about high anxiety or nervousness, and high amounts of stress in a person’s life. High amounts of stress over even a short period of time

can bring on bipolar episodes and acting out behavior in a person with bipolar disorder.

When facing something like a trauma, like one of the things I listed above, or any major change,

your loved one may experience an actual bipolar episode. If they do, they may start taking things out on you, just because you are the person closest at hand. Believe it or not, they may treat you poorly because they trust you so much. I know that it sounds like a contradiction, but it’s true. It could also be because you’ve accepted this behavior in the past, so they feel that they can do it again and get away with it. If you have let them get away with poor treatment of you in the past, they have no reason to believe that you won’t accept it in the future. It doesn’t even have to go that far. For example, it could be anything to get their way.

Say your loved one doesn’t get their way. So they pick a fight with you. And you give in…So they get what they want. This way they learn that every time things don’t go their way, all they have to do is fight with you, and they will get what they want. All you’ve done is reinforce their negative behavior, whether you meant to do it or not. I’m sure you don’t like this. You probably want this to stop. So what can you do about it? Well, stop it, of course! But how?

Well, you need to set limits. And you need to establish consequences for poor behavior. Then you need to be consistent in meting out those consequences if your loved one breaks the limits you have set.

It’s almost like dealing with a child. What did your parents do when you were a child and you threw a tantrum? Well, for certain you didn’t get what you wanted. In other words, they set a limit. Then you probably either got spanked, or they just ignored you (didn’t reinforce your negative behavior). In other words, you paid a consequence for breaking the limit they set.

You need to do the same thing with your loved one. Say you want them to stop fighting with you and getting their own way. So you might say something to them like: “I love you, but if you insist on fighting with me every time you don’t get your own way, I’m going to ignore you when you do that.” You have established a limit (their fighting)…And a consequence of their behavior (you will ignore them). You could even make sure they understand what will happen if they do it again by having them repeat it back to you. Then comes the crucial part. The very next time they fight with you…You MUST ignore them! And you must do it every single time they fight with you, until they stop the behavior. When they see that this no longer works, believe me, they will stop doing it.

Try it!

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews563/

Here are the news headlines:

Caregiving without Controlling
DO> What do you think of this?

New Study Looks at Mental Illness in Families
DO> Sounds promising

Century-Old Brains May Hold Future Of Treatment For Mentally Ill, Indiana University Pathologist Says
DO> This seems really strange don’t you think?

Peer Counseling Aids Mental Illness Recovery
DO> Absolutely, it does, right?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews563/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all

aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi, how are you today? I hope you’re having a good day.

I recently was asked the question, “Which is more important, to be right or to be happy?”

A friend of mine was talking to me about his relationship with his girlfriend. They keep getting into these fights, and he doesn’t understand why. A small misunderstanding can turn into the biggest fight! So he was telling me about some of the things they have fought over, and you know what? I agree with him! I wouldn’t understand how it happened, either.

Except for one thing.

I know this guy. I know that he LOVES to be right. And sometimes, if he disagrees with you, he won’t stop trying to make you admit you’re wrong (whether you really are or not) and give in to him. So I can definitely see how there might be communication problems with his girlfriend

and why they would fight so much.

So he asks me, “Which is more important – to be right or to be happy?”

Hmmm….

I had to think about that one for about 2 seconds!

I know a couple who dealt with this same problem, only BOTH of them have bipolar disorder, so it was even harder for them.

So they had to come up with something to “fix” their communication because they were fighting all the time, many times because neither would give in. Each of them firmly believed that they were right. So what do you do in that situation? This is what they did:

AGREE TO DISAGREE

They both decided it was better to be happy than to be right. She even teases him and says things like, “Ok, you can be right this time!” LOL

Agreeing to disagree is all about compromise. If you still feel you have to be right, and/or you won’t stop until the other person “gives in,” like my friend, then you are not going to have good communication. And neither of you is going to be very happy. Whereas, if you agree to disagree, you can each maintain your feeling that you are right, but you compromise anyway.

This is really important in any relationship, not just one in which one of the people has bipolar disorder.

How would you answer this question if I asked you, “Which is more important – to be right or to be happy?” I think when it’s written out in black and white like that, the answer is obvious.

But an unwillingness to compromise, or AGREE TO DISAGREE, is the reason that many people in bipolar relationships fight so often.

If you agree to disagree, you are showing respect to the other person, and basically telling them that you acknowledge that they have a right to believe what they believe and/or feel what they feel.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Have you ever said anything like this?

“When I get older…I can get my first boy/girlfriend.” Or “When I get older… I can get my own car.” Or “When I get older…I can graduate high school.” Or “When I get older…I can go to college.” Or “When I get older…I can move out of the house and be on my own.” Or “When I get older… I can do what I want.” Or “When I get older… I can get my own house.” Or “When I get older… I can get married.” Or “When I get older… I can have children of my own.” Or “When I get older…I’ll be a better parent than my parents were.” Or “When I get older…I’m going to have a great job.” Or “When I get older…I’m going to make lots of money.” And on and on and on…

Did any/many of these statements come true? Did they happen the way you imagined they

would happen?

Statements like these are part of what is called the Maturity Myth. It is an indication that you are not dealing with things as they are, but instead, how you would rather that things would be. Dealing with things as they are (instead of how you want them to be) is one of the things you need to learn in order to deal with bipolar disorder.

The Maturity Myth can really hurt someone with bipolar disorder. It can keep them wishing for something they can never have. In fact…At worst…It can endorse the grandiose thoughts they might have during a manic episode…And keep that manic episode going on longer than it should. It would make it harder for the person with bipolar disorder to recover from any episode, in fact.

For example…The Maturity Myth can make a person with bipolar disorder depressed…

Because what happens with the Maturity Myth is…Once you reach that [whatever stage] when you say the magic words of “When I get older…” And you find out that, indeed, things are NOT the way you thought they would be…You will be disappointed at least…And depressed at most.

So it is totally feasible that someone with bipolar disorder would go into a bipolar depressive episode when they got to that mark in their Maturity Myth.

So the only thing you can do to battle this is…To stay realistic. You have to practice mindfulness. This is something that your loved one may actually learn in therapy, whether it is called that or not. It is actually a principle taught in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, used mostly with people who have borderline personality disorder, but is being used now with people

who have bipolar disorder as well. Mindfulness is when you learn to deal with what is, instead of what you would like. In other words, you deal with things the way they are, instead of how you would like them to be.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

You know, I don’t really get to watch too much TV, because I’m usually too busy, but I saw a commercial for a reality TV show the other day, and I just couldn’t believe they’re really doing a show about this. Now, I usually don’t like reality shows in generally, because I think that most of them are, in my opinion, downright silly. Also, I think they just take advantage of people.

Some of them even hurt people. But I don’t know of any of them that really show people in a good light. And this one definitely doesn’t show people in a good light – in fact, it shows people in probably the worst light it could show them. This reality show is about people who hoard

things. People who pile things up and don’t let them go. There are more people than you can imagine who are like this (apparently enough to make a whole show around).

There was one woman who bought all kinds of things from a TV shopping network, and hoarded

everything she bought – she didn’t even open anything she bought – she just hoarded it all! But you know, this can be a type of illness. This not letting go of anything. There was one woman who collected all kinds of birthday wrappings, boxes and boxes and boxes of them! For all kinds of occasions – she just wouldn’t let any of it go. And not just the wrappings – but all the party supplies that went with them. She hoarded them and wouldn’t let go. She lived in a little trailer, and all these party supplies and wrappings took up a whole room in themselves! Still, she wouldn’t let go of them, even though she really didn’t have room for them.

Now, you and I can look at people like this and think, “I would never do that.” But it’s not for us to judge. Because we may do the same thing in other ways. What am I talking about? Bipolar disorder, of course (I always bring everything around to bipolar disorder, don’t I?).

You can easily become overwhelmed by things if you’re not careful. If you try to take on too much, without letting go, you will become overwhelmed. Like the lady who has a whole room full of party supplies is overwhelmed (to the point of not being able to get rid of any of it). If you have too many stressful situations facing you all at the same time, and you try to tackle them all at once, you will find yourself overwhelmed, and unable to tackle any of them at all.

So you have to take a step back…Look at them realistically…Figure out which ones you can solve…Deal with what you can at the moment…And let the rest go. That’s right – you have to let them go. I didn’t say it would be easy, just that it’s what you have to do. You’ll probably find that some of the situations will resolve themselves if you let go of them. Others may take longer, but may also resolve themselves. The ones that you do need to resolve will do better if you have let go and have time to rebuild your strength and energy to face them and be able to solve them. This way you aren’t overwhelmed by them. It’s hard to let go at first, but it leaves you the energy you need to come back and “fight another day.”

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews562/

Here are the news headlines:

Sheriff takes indefinite leave of absence after unsuccessfully resisting …
DO> What do you think of this?

After closing psychiatric hospitals, Michigan incarcerates mentally ill
DO> This is terrible, isn’t it?

Suicide more rampant in men than women – Psychologist
DO> Would you have guessed this?

Depression Fact Sheet
DO> Great info, take a look.

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews562/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Did you know that in the state of Florida, it is perfectly legal NOT to wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle? Now, I personally have a problem with that. Because I think that’s really dangerous. Just because the law says it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s necessarily what I call best practices. Best practices is what you do to get the best result…Or things you do to be the most effective in given situations.

So, say, what would NOT be best practices would be fighting with your loved one to get your point across. Do you agree? So what might be a better way? Best practices would be communicating your wants and needs in a way your loved one can understand.

For example… You might try getting them to see your point of view by relating it to theirs. If they have been laying around depressed and not being productive, you could say something like… “You know I try to do things around here to show you that you are valuable, and I would appreciate it if you did the same thing.”

If this general approach doesn’t work, you might have to give some specific examples to back up

your statement to get them to understand your point. But the main point here is that best practices are to talk things out instead of fighting about them.

Another best practice is to try not to stress your loved one out, as that can lead to a bipolar episode…And you don’t want that. So you want to keep things as stress free as

possible.

As I was saying…One way of doing that is just not to fight with them. Another way is to keep the home environment as stress free as you can make it. That would mean limiting those bugging phone calls to not when they are trying to relax, for instance… Or at least intercepting them. You could tell the person that your loved one is busy and will call them back later, for example. Then give your loved one a chance to relax…Maybe even eat dinner first…Before they have to deal with the person’s phone call.

And it’s definitely good if you intercept those annoying phone solicitor’s calls! Same thing about answering the door. You know…Those people who come to the door to solicit.

Try to keep them from bugging your loved one.

Also…If the TV bugs your loved one, try to keep on some relaxing music or just the silence.

Or let them watch what they want to watch on TV for awhile (if it will avoid a fight)…A couple I know solved this problem by simply putting a TV in the other room for the other person to watch what they wanted. Now they both get to watch what they want when they disagree on what to watch…And there are no more fights! Of course, you don’t want to do this too often…

As you still want to spend some time together. But you want that time to be quality time. So making that time stress free is certainly best practices.

It is also best practices not to let your loved one get away with unacceptable behavior. That’s where best practices would be setting limits as to what you will tolerate. You can just say to them something like: “I love you, but when you act like this, I will not tolerate it, and I will ignore you until you stop.” Then… ignore them. Eventually, they will stop.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave