Hi,
It’s obvious that things like a heart attack or stroke would be considered a trauma, wouldn’t you agree? Well, experts liken the following things to trauma level as well:
• Change in job
• Marriage
• Divorce
• Having a baby
• Graduating from school
• Buying a house
• Getting a new car
• Moving
• Having an operation
It’s easy to see how these things might be considered so, when you think of it in light of the fact that they are all major changes in a person’s life. But the reason they consider these things actual
traumas is that they elicit physical responses in people – remember the old “fight or flight” response? Well, it’s something like that. They can bring about high anxiety or nervousness, and high amounts of stress in a person’s life. High amounts of stress over even a short period of time
can bring on bipolar episodes and acting out behavior in a person with bipolar disorder.
When facing something like a trauma, like one of the things I listed above, or any major change,
your loved one may experience an actual bipolar episode. If they do, they may start taking things out on you, just because you are the person closest at hand. Believe it or not, they may treat you poorly because they trust you so much. I know that it sounds like a contradiction, but it’s true. It could also be because you’ve accepted this behavior in the past, so they feel that they can do it again and get away with it. If you have let them get away with poor treatment of you in the past, they have no reason to believe that you won’t accept it in the future. It doesn’t even have to go that far. For example, it could be anything to get their way.
Say your loved one doesn’t get their way. So they pick a fight with you. And you give in…So they get what they want. This way they learn that every time things don’t go their way, all they have to do is fight with you, and they will get what they want. All you’ve done is reinforce their negative behavior, whether you meant to do it or not. I’m sure you don’t like this. You probably want this to stop. So what can you do about it? Well, stop it, of course! But how?
Well, you need to set limits. And you need to establish consequences for poor behavior. Then you need to be consistent in meting out those consequences if your loved one breaks the limits you have set.
It’s almost like dealing with a child. What did your parents do when you were a child and you threw a tantrum? Well, for certain you didn’t get what you wanted. In other words, they set a limit. Then you probably either got spanked, or they just ignored you (didn’t reinforce your negative behavior). In other words, you paid a consequence for breaking the limit they set.
You need to do the same thing with your loved one. Say you want them to stop fighting with you and getting their own way. So you might say something to them like: “I love you, but if you insist on fighting with me every time you don’t get your own way, I’m going to ignore you when you do that.” You have established a limit (their fighting)…And a consequence of their behavior (you will ignore them). You could even make sure they understand what will happen if they do it again by having them repeat it back to you. Then comes the crucial part. The very next time they fight with you…You MUST ignore them! And you must do it every single time they fight with you, until they stop the behavior. When they see that this no longer works, believe me, they will stop doing it.
Try it!
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
So very true, tho’ it took me several decades to learn ‘tough-love’ responses well enough to walk away (even to leave the house) when a tirade targeting me began. It became necessary sometimes to DRIVE away in the car, as I’d be followed by my ranting beloved person caught up in their bpd!
Before learning that, I did not ‘give in’ to the uproar, but I did engage with it, not realizing that there was no reasonable response possible. At first, I even hollered back — oh boy, was that ever wrong-headed! Later on, my calm efforts to discuss or to quiet things merely added fuel to the fire.
Yes, benignly detaching and ignoring ARE the best ways to help a loved one put an end to an episode of verbalized stress that is so out of control. Heartache is inevitable, and that has to be accepted if I am to make this practice of ignoring behaviour work out.
This aricle was very interesting and informative. I appreciate learning about the different traumas one can go through. This will help me to control myself so as not to take out my feelings on my loved ones.
Thanks Dave for the eye opener.
Those of us with bipolar affective disorder are NOT children and we don’t deserve to be treated like we are. Also, the behaviors you describe are not abnormal. Everyone does this, unless they have been raised not to.
Bipolar affective disorder is not an excuse to behave badly. Anyone who uses it as an excuse is not really disabled. True bipolar behavior is not controllable. It also seldom occurs when a person is properly medicated.
I do not appreciate being talked about as if I were a child that needs to be managed. My behavior is better than many people’s (which is why so many kids come to me when they have problems– I am more stable than their parents). Your generalizations are highly offensive and inaccurate.
On those rare occasions when I do have problems that my medications are not helping me control, the last thing I need is some idiot insisting that I act normal when I obviously cannot.