Hi,

I was at a bipolar supporters support group the other night, and this woman came up to me and started talking to me. She was telling me how her family and friends were accusing her of making a mountain out of a molehill (in other words, of overreacting) with her loved one and

his bipolar behavior.

She was really upset by this, as these were the people who she turned to for support, and she felt like they were letting her down, and in her words, “siding with him” (her loved one).

I asked her to tell me more about what was going on. She said that her husband George was going into manic rages and calling her names and accusing her of doing things that she wasn’t

doing (like having an affair with her boss when she came home late from work one day), and was spending money like it was going out of style, and she was sick of it – She said she was just so sick of it all that she was just going to divorce him and have done with it all!

I tried to calm her down (she was very upset by this point) and told her that I could see where it might seem that her support system might be “siding” with her husband if they were encouraging her to think harder before she went ahead and divorced him over his bipolar behavior.

I explained to her that many bipolar supporters have complained to me about the same types of behavior, but that they haven’t divorced their spouses – they have found other ways to work out their problems.

She did, finally, calm down, and agreed to at least think about not divorcing George right away.

Can you see how sometimes you can get so caught up in your loved one’s bipolar behavior that you can make mountains out of molehills if you’re not careful?

It’s important that you express your thoughts and feelings to your loved one BEFORE you get to the point that you simply want to divorce them rather than try to work things out, like this woman who spoke to me at the bipolar support group meeting. By this point, she is, indeed, overreacting to her loved one’s bipolar behavior.

There are other methods to use besides divorce to cope and deal with your loved one’s behavior.

It really shouldn’t get that bad or that far. It’s up to you not to let it get that far.

Communication is the answer. As well as setting boundaries and limits, and then sticking to those boundaries and limits. That’s the most important thing – sticking to the limits that you’ve set. Otherwise, you may as well have not set them at all, because your loved one learns that you don’t really mean what you say, and they push the limits every time.

For example, let’s go back to the woman at the support group meeting’s complaints. She said that George, her husband, would go into manic rages and call her names. Obviously, she would feel hurt by this. So it is up to her to communicate to him that it hurts her when he calls her names.

She needs to wait for a time when he is NOT in a bipolar episode and say something like:

“When you call me names, it hurts my feelings.” or… “When you call me names, I feel…”

Then she is effectively communicating her feelings to her husband, and he can take responsibility for his actions and hopefully stop his behavior.

If she does this on a consistent basis, there will be no making a mountain out of a molehill,

no overreacting to his bipolar behavior, and no divorce on the horizon – they will have good

communication, and they will get along.

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews516/

Here are the news headlines:

Pregnant Women Urged not to Take Depakote
DO> Wow, take a look at this article

New Antipsychotic Drugs Costly, Lack Evidence for Effectiveness
DO> I have been hearing about this for a while…

‘Mental Illness’ Not an Explanation for Violence
DO> Do you agree? I do

Bipolar Disorder Nursing Home Residents Receive Less Care
DO> Another thing I have heard for years, take a look

Neuroscience: Thought experiment
DO> What do you think of this?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews516/

==>Help with ALL aspects of bipolar disorder<==

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all  aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

You know I attend several bipolar supporter support groups, right? Well, at one certain group there is this one woman who sort of stands out because she always participates – she always has something to share, and she always attends the meetings.

Well, for awhile there, I noticed that she wasn’t at the meetings. I didn’t say anything about it for some time, I just sort of kept it to myself, but I wondered about it.

Then after some time when I noticed that this woman didn’t come back, I asked someone about it, if they knew what happened to her, about why she had stopped coming to the meetings.

The person told me, (because they were close to her, they knew) that she had tried to be the perfect supporter, and one day she just sort of broke, and ended up in the hospital with a sort of

nervous breakdown, that all the stress had gotten to her.

Wow. I was pretty shook up by this. It was hard for me to believe about this woman, because she always seemed to be so together to me, you know? She was the last person I would think

would succumb to the stress and have a nervous breakdown (that was what this person called it).

I just assumed, like everyone else, that she could handle everything.

It made me think that I better write to you and warn you: Don’t try to be the perfect supporter.

No one can be, no matter how much they try.

If your loved one expects more from you than that, then you need to have a talk with them. No one should expect more from you than you expect from yourself. And, in the same vein, you shouldn’t expect more from yourself than anyone else expects from you, either.

Stop trying to be the perfect supporter. No one is perfect. If you’re trying your best, well, that’s

all anyone expects from you. If you’re overextending yourself and doing for your loved one things that they can do for themselves, that isn’t healthy. In fact, that’s called enabling, something you shouldn’t be doing.

Your loved one should be becoming as independent as they can be with their bipolar disorder.

They can appreciate you as their supporter, but they should not be depending on you to do things for them that they can do for themselves.

For example: There is a difference between reminding your loved one to take their medication

and standing over them every day making sure that they take it. You should be a helper, not an enabler. In the case of enabling, you are doing too much, and the result will be that you will

stress yourself out.

Be careful of supporter burnout. Be sure that, although you are supporting a loved one with bipolar disorder, that you are also taking care of yourself, and that you are taking care of yourself first.

If you don’t take care of yourself first, how are you going to have the energy or wherewithal to take care of your loved one? You need to make sure that you are balanced: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Take care of yourself, so that you don’t end up like the woman in my support group!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

You know I attend several bipolar supporter support groups, right? Well, at one certain group there is this one woman who sort of stands out because she always participates – she always has something to share, and she always attends the meetings.

Well, for awhile there, I noticed that she wasn’t at the meetings. I didn’t say anything about it for some time, I just sort of kept it to myself, but I wondered about it.

Then after some time when I noticed that this woman didn’t come back, I asked someone about it, if they knew what happened to her, about why she had stopped coming to the meetings.

The person told me, (because they were close to her, they knew) that she had tried to be the perfect supporter, and one day she just sort of broke, and ended up in the hospital with a sort of

nervous breakdown, that all the stress had gotten to her.

Wow. I was pretty shook up by this. It was hard for me to believe about this woman, because she always seemed to be so together to me, you know? She was the last person I would think

would succumb to the stress and have a nervous breakdown (that was what this person called it).

I just assumed, like everyone else, that she could handle everything.

It made me think that I better write to you and warn you: Don’t try to be the perfect supporter.

No one can be, no matter how much they try.

If your loved one expects more from you than that, then you need to have a talk with them. No one should expect more from you than you expect from yourself. And, in the same vein, you shouldn’t expect more from yourself than anyone else expects from you, either.

Stop trying to be the perfect supporter. No one is perfect. If you’re trying your best, well, that’s

all anyone expects from you. If you’re overextending yourself and doing for your loved one things that they can do for themselves, that isn’t healthy. In fact, that’s called enabling, something you shouldn’t be doing.

Your loved one should be becoming as independent as they can be with their bipolar disorder.

They can appreciate you as their supporter, but they should not be depending on you to do things for them that they can do for themselves.

For example: There is a difference between reminding your loved one to take their medication

and standing over them every day making sure that they take it. You should be a helper, not an enabler. In the case of enabling, you are doing too much, and the result will be that you will

stress yourself out.

Be careful of supporter burnout. Be sure that, although you are supporting a loved one with bipolar disorder, that you are also taking care of yourself, and that you are taking care of yourself first.

If you don’t take care of yourself first, how are you going to have the energy or wherewithal to take care of your loved one? You need to make sure that you are balanced: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Take care of yourself, so that you don’t end up like the woman in my support group!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

A long time ago, there used to be an old song called No Man is an Island and talked about how none of us is alone. Yet many of us can feel that way anyway.

You know, one of the things that bipolar supporters as well as survivors struggle with the most is the idea that they are alone in their battle. I’ve even had people tell me that they still feel alone, even when they’re in a group of people. They just don’t feel like other people can relate to what they’re going through. That’s why these people don’t attend support groups. That’s why they don’t have friends. That’s why they even shy away from their co-workers.

But, whether you are a bipolar survivor or supporter, isolation is not a healthy thing for you.

My mom used to think that no one else had the disorder but her. So I asked her to think about anyone else she knew that might have it. She thought of two others. Then I told her the statistic from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), who says that about 2% of the people in our country have bipolar disorder, amounting to around 5 million people.

So I told my mom that I figured that for each person that has the disorder, there are probably at least 3 others who are at least associated with the disorder in some way. I told her to conduct this experiment – I asked her to go out of the house that day and ask the people she came in contact with if they knew anyone with bipolar disorder.

It turns out that my mom proved my theory right! The average was about 3 people for every person she talked to! So when I did my calculations again, based on our population, bipolar disorder affects about 15 million people in our country every day! Now, that’s a LOT of people!

So if you’ve been feeling alone in your struggle with the disorder, just remember what I just

told you, and you’ll know that you’re not alone. If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself. Do what my mother did.

Ask around – and you’ll probably find that for each person you talk to, there will be at least 3 others who are at least associated with bipolar disorder.

I mean, I was on the phone with my insurance agent the other day, and while we were waiting

for her supervisor to get on the line, we started talking just to pass the time. She asked me about what I do, and I told her about how I work helping people with bipolar disorder and their supporters, and she told me that her sister had just gotten diagnosed with the disorder!

See how prevalent it is?

And this was just someone who I’d been talking to on the phone about my insurance! Bipolar disorder really is all around you, and you really are NOT alone!

Still, you might feel that way sometimes if you’ve been isolating yourself, or if your loved one has been isolating.

Isolation, in someone who has bipolar disorder, is one of the triggers to a bipolar episode, so

your loved one needs to be careful about that. You both need to have things to do outside

of the disorder. Try having a social life, friends, outside activities, that bring you pleasure.

Have fun, and do things that make you feel good, that you enjoy doing, that keep the bipolar from being the focus of your life. Don’t let it make you isolated.

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

A long time ago, there used to be an old song called No Man is an Island and talked about how none of us is alone. Yet many of us can feel that way anyway.

You know, one of the things that bipolar supporters as well as survivors struggle with the most is the idea that they are alone in their battle. I’ve even had people tell me that they still feel alone, even when they’re in a group of people. They just don’t feel like other people can relate to what they’re going through. That’s why these people don’t attend support groups. That’s why they don’t have friends. That’s why they even shy away from their co-workers.

But, whether you are a bipolar survivor or supporter, isolation is not a healthy thing for you.

My mom used to think that no one else had the disorder but her. So I asked her to think about anyone else she knew that might have it. She thought of two others. Then I told her the statistic from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), who says that about 2% of the people in our country have bipolar disorder, amounting to around 5 million people.

So I told my mom that I figured that for each person that has the disorder, there are probably at least 3 others who are at least associated with the disorder in some way. I told her to conduct this experiment – I asked her to go out of the house that day and ask the people she came in contact with if they knew anyone with bipolar disorder.

It turns out that my mom proved my theory right! The average was about 3 people for every person she talked to! So when I did my calculations again, based on our population, bipolar disorder affects about 15 million people in our country every day! Now, that’s a LOT of people!

So if you’ve been feeling alone in your struggle with the disorder, just remember what I just

told you, and you’ll know that you’re not alone. If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself. Do what my mother did.

Ask around – and you’ll probably find that for each person you talk to, there will be at least 3 others who are at least associated with bipolar disorder.

I mean, I was on the phone with my insurance agent the other day, and while we were waiting

for her supervisor to get on the line, we started talking just to pass the time. She asked me about what I do, and I told her about how I work helping people with bipolar disorder and their supporters, and she told me that her sister had just gotten diagnosed with the disorder!

See how prevalent it is?

And this was just someone who I’d been talking to on the phone about my insurance! Bipolar disorder really is all around you, and you really are NOT alone!

Still, you might feel that way sometimes if you’ve been isolating yourself, or if your loved one has been isolating.

Isolation, in someone who has bipolar disorder, is one of the triggers to a bipolar episode, so

your loved one needs to be careful about that. You both need to have things to do outside

of the disorder. Try having a social life, friends, outside activities, that bring you pleasure.

Have fun, and do things that make you feel good, that you enjoy doing, that keep the bipolar from being the focus of your life. Don’t let it make you isolated.

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

I had a disturbing conversation the other day, and I wanted to tell you about it.

I was at a support group meeting (you know I volunteer at a lot of them in different places), and a girl came up to me after the meeting and we started talking. She said that she’s afraid to make any plans or do anything or go anywhere. I asked her why she felt that way. She said that it was because she was afraid of having an episode.

I told her that most people with bipolar disorder only have only one or two episodes a year. She said, “Yes, but I never know when that episode is going to happen.” I tried to tell her that hiding out, not doing anything or making any plans wasn’t going to help her or her disorder. She seemed to get defensive, and I didn’t want her to get mad at me, but I still thought she should

know more.

I said, “You need to learn more about bipolar disorder. It might help you.” I guess she got mad at me anyway, because she just walked away. But I didn’t think I did anything wrong. I think she didn’t know enough about bipolar disorder to understand that staying home hiding from the rest of the world can actually HURT you and can make your disorder worse! To say nothing about how frustrating it can be to your supporter and your relationship with them.

You just can’t live in fear of when the next episode is going to strike. If you are managing your bipolar disorder correctly, then you should have no fear.

I really didn’t mean to offend this girl, but maybe she just didn’t understand what I was trying to say, or maybe I just said it the wrong way. If so, I’m sorry. But I really don’t want people with bipolar disorder to be misinformed. That’s one of the biggest reasons why I started BipolarCentral.com and started these blog posts. I want people to have the best information

possible.

Hiding out at home, not doing things outside the home, not going anywhere, not doing anything enjoyable, and living with the fear of when the next episode is going to strike is like living in a bipolar prison. It’s like waiting to die! And bipolar disorder is NOT a life sentence! So many people are living quite normal lives even though they have bipolar disorder. That’s what I really wanted to tell this girl.

Figure it this way: Say you or your loved one didn’t have bipolar disorder. But you know that flu season comes around every year, right? So you probably do the smart thing and get your yearly flu shot, like most people. But do you live the rest of the year in fear of getting the flu?

Does it keep you hiding inside, afraid to go outside? Does it keep you from having a normal social life? Does it keep you from seeing friends and family? Does it keep you from doing the things you enjoy? Does it keep you from making plans? Does it keep you bound up in fear? That’s the main question.

No one ever said that you or your loved one won’t have another episode. You/they probably will, in fact. But if you’re doing the things you need to do to manage the disorder, there’s no reason that you should not expect to live a normal, healthy, successful, productive life despite

the fact that you or they have bipolar disorder. Many, many people do. They don’t live in fear of the disorder, and they don’t let it control their lives. They don’t hide from the disorder, but they don’t let it make them hide from the rest of the world, either. If they did, they would isolate at home, and isolation is a trigger to depression, and depression to a bipolar depressive episode.

And you don’t want that, do you?

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews515/

Here are the news headlines:

Initial Bipolar Diagnosis Missed 60 Percent of Time
DO> I am surprised that it’s not even higher, what do you think?

Stanford runs Pediatric Bipolar Disorders Program
DO> Very interesting, sounds great, take a look.

Bipolar Disorder: Role of Diet
DO> What do you think of this?

Antidepressants in Bipolar Depression: A New Meta-Analysis for an Old Controversy
DO>Seems like they are always talking about this, don’t you think?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews515/

==>Help with ALL aspects of bipolar disorder<==

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting: http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

I got the following email, and I thought I’d share it with you, to see what you would do in this same situation:

“Dear Dave, I have a son who is 28 years old. I believe he has bipolar disorder, partly because I do, and partly because, well, he just seems to be showing all the signs and has been for some time now. My ex-husband thinks I’m overreacting just because I have the disorder, but I don’t

think so – I think it just makes me more aware of the signs and symptoms.

Anyway, I haven’t interfered before now. And I’m not even interfering now. At least not yet. But I don’t know what to do now, now that my son is asking for my help. See, he’s never asked for my help before, and when I’ve suggested that he might have bipolar disorder, he’s always been in absolute denial of it.

But he called me the other day and he was so depressed! He talked about how unhappy he is with his life, how he doesn’t know who he is, how he hates his job, where he lives, how he has no friends left, how he’s been drinking, how he feels nervous and anxious all the time, how he can’t focus and concentrate at work any more, etc.

God, I felt awful for him. He sounded just like I did before I was diagnosed! I asked him if he was willing to seek help, and he said he had made an appointment to see a psychiatrist next Tuesday, that he does want help, that he can’t go on living this way.

So I’m glad that he’s getting help, but I want to help him, because he’s my son, but I also think that I shouldn’t interfere. What should I do? Or NOT do? Any advice? Laura”

———————————————————————————————————————

Wow. What a story.

Well, at least it sounds like her son is willing to get help, which is always a plus in these situations. But Laura is right about being hesitant with her help. She is his mom, and if she tries to do too much, she could put him off.

Or she could enable him, which is also not healthy for him – if she does too much for him (things he could do for himself), he won’t have any reason to do these things for himself.

For example, Laura could have offered to go to her son’s first appointment with him. Would that be interfering? That’s a good question. On the one hand, it is showing support, and if he is really nervous, it could help him. On the other hand, it might hinder him from being honest about what he’s really been going through, which might keep him from getting the proper diagnosis. So it’s kind of a personal judgment call in this case.

She has chosen to stay out of it and let her son do this on his own, which seems to be the right thing to do for her. Still, she is worried, as any mother would be.

But if her son has bipolar disorder (which, from her list of symptoms, it seems a likely possibility), he does need to get help. He will need to see this psychiatrist for evaluation and diagnosis and be put on medication. But he will still need someone to talk to about his problems – those problems that involve his bipolar disorder and those life problems that co-exist with it.

If your loved one is seeing a psychiatrist but not a therapist, you might want to consider having them add a therapist or counselor to their treatment team. A psychiatrist is usually the person who prescribes the medication, while the therapist works more extensively with dealing with the issues surrounding the person’s bipolar disorder on a long-term basis.

Although this mother is concerned about her son and wants to be there for him, she cannot be his therapist – he will need to find one on his own.

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

You know I work out at the gym a lot, right? Well, I was working out the other day and there was this new guy there. We started talking, and he asked me what I do. So I told him about the work I do with people who have bipolar disorder and their supporters.

He started sharing about him and his wife. This happens to me all the time when I tell people what I do – they just open up to me and tell me about themselves and their situations, so I wasn’t surprised. I just listened.

He told me that he has bipolar disorder and that he thought his wife was ashamed of him. He said he thought this because whenever she had an office gathering, she wouldn’t take him or if she had plans with friends she wouldn’t include him either, and he felt left out. There were even times when she would go to visit her family that she would leave him behind, which made him feel worse.

I asked him if he had talked to his wife about how he felt, but he said he didn’t know how to tell her how he felt, that he was embarrassed. He said that even he didn’t tell people that he had bipolar disorder, because he was afraid they would think he was crazy or look at him funny or think of him as different and treat him different, so he just kept it to himself.

He wasn’t blaming his wife, he said, but still, he felt like she was treating him like these other people would treat him, and he thought she must be ashamed of him.

He asked me what I thought. At first I didn’t know what to say. I mean, what could I say? I really only had one side of the story, after all.

But I told him that sometimes a supporter can feel that way, and the only way to know for sure is to talk to her to find out the truth. I encouraged him to share his thoughts and feelings with his wife, because she really needed to know, and they needed to talk about it, especially if it was true.

What about you? Are you ashamed of your loved one? Do you exclude them from some of your

outside activities, even family gatherings, because you’re afraid they might go into a bipolar episode?

Would it help if I told you that, on average, a person with bipolar disorder only has 4 to 5 full-blown episodes in their lifetime?

If you’re looking for episodes around every corner, you might be doing your loved one an injustice. If you are rearranging your life and social activities around expected bipolar behavior that may or may not happen, you’re not being fair to your loved one.

On the other hand, if your loved one is experiencing bipolar behaviors and mood swings more often than is normal, it may mean that they need a medication adjustment, and they should see their psychiatrist.

For the most part, despite the bipolar disorder, you should both be able to live relatively normal lives. You should be able to attend social functions without the fear of a bipolar episode, or something triggering bipolar symptoms or behavior.

If your loved one is following a good treatment plan, taking their medication religiously, sleeping properly, seeing their medical and mental health professionals on a regular basis and doing all the things they need to do to stay stable, there is no reason they can’t be included in the things that you do.

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Have you ever known a workaholic? Or even been one yourself? It’s one thing to work hard.

That is commendable. But to work so hard that it gets you stressed out is not a good thing.

Here’s another question for you: How many people do you know who love their work? Probably no one, right? (or very few people)

As children, we are encouraged to follow our dreams (even though some of them are not

realistic, like becoming the president). We are told to use the gifts and talents we have to think of a career that we want to work in.

But too many people actually hate their jobs. If you are one of them, don’t let this keep going on.

I know the economy is tight. That’s why so many people are holding onto their jobs, even if they hate them. Or are even working a second job. Or a third one! But eventually, it will eat away at you.

I know one woman who hated her job so much that she had an anxiety attack on the way to work every day. That’s no way to live. And definitely no way to take care of yourself.

I’ve talked to some people about starting a home business as an alternative to working outside the home. Or consider working only part-time, if you can afford it.

But remember back to the beginning of this post. You should be working in a field that supports

your gifts and talents. A job that you enjoy. One that makes you feel good about yourself. One that you look forward to going to. Unfortunately, too many people don’t do that. They just take whatever they can get.

I know one man who is a certified car mechanic, but can’t find a job in his field. So he started a home business just fixing cars in his driveway for now. And he does very well for himself, and is

basically stress-free, because he is his own boss. Also, he can set his own hours. He also determines how much money he is going to make. So he is doing what he is trained to do… What he loves to do… The way he wants to do it.

Some people are stuck at dead-end jobs – They can’t go any further up the ladder. Then what do you do? There are so few jobs out there at this point, because the economy is so bad. So many people are even being let go from their jobs. And the competition for the jobs that are out there

is fierce. But not if you start your own business, like the car mechanic I was telling you about. He is very happy doing what he’s doing.

Maybe you should consider starting your own home business? Many people with bipolar disorder do it because of the flexibility of it and because it works around their disorder. And because the business can still work even if they get sick.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave