Hi,
I had a disturbing conversation the other day, and I wanted to tell you about it.
I was at a support group meeting (you know I volunteer at a lot of them in different places), and a girl came up to me after the meeting and we started talking. She said that she’s afraid to make any plans or do anything or go anywhere. I asked her why she felt that way. She said that it was because she was afraid of having an episode.
I told her that most people with bipolar disorder only have only one or two episodes a year. She said, “Yes, but I never know when that episode is going to happen.” I tried to tell her that hiding out, not doing anything or making any plans wasn’t going to help her or her disorder. She seemed to get defensive, and I didn’t want her to get mad at me, but I still thought she should
know more.
I said, “You need to learn more about bipolar disorder. It might help you.” I guess she got mad at me anyway, because she just walked away. But I didn’t think I did anything wrong. I think she didn’t know enough about bipolar disorder to understand that staying home hiding from the rest of the world can actually HURT you and can make your disorder worse! To say nothing about how frustrating it can be to your supporter and your relationship with them.
You just can’t live in fear of when the next episode is going to strike. If you are managing your bipolar disorder correctly, then you should have no fear.
I really didn’t mean to offend this girl, but maybe she just didn’t understand what I was trying to say, or maybe I just said it the wrong way. If so, I’m sorry. But I really don’t want people with bipolar disorder to be misinformed. That’s one of the biggest reasons why I started BipolarCentral.com and started these blog posts. I want people to have the best information
possible.
Hiding out at home, not doing things outside the home, not going anywhere, not doing anything enjoyable, and living with the fear of when the next episode is going to strike is like living in a bipolar prison. It’s like waiting to die! And bipolar disorder is NOT a life sentence! So many people are living quite normal lives even though they have bipolar disorder. That’s what I really wanted to tell this girl.
Figure it this way: Say you or your loved one didn’t have bipolar disorder. But you know that flu season comes around every year, right? So you probably do the smart thing and get your yearly flu shot, like most people. But do you live the rest of the year in fear of getting the flu?
Does it keep you hiding inside, afraid to go outside? Does it keep you from having a normal social life? Does it keep you from seeing friends and family? Does it keep you from doing the things you enjoy? Does it keep you from making plans? Does it keep you bound up in fear? That’s the main question.
No one ever said that you or your loved one won’t have another episode. You/they probably will, in fact. But if you’re doing the things you need to do to manage the disorder, there’s no reason that you should not expect to live a normal, healthy, successful, productive life despite
the fact that you or they have bipolar disorder. Many, many people do. They don’t live in fear of the disorder, and they don’t let it control their lives. They don’t hide from the disorder, but they don’t let it make them hide from the rest of the world, either. If they did, they would isolate at home, and isolation is a trigger to depression, and depression to a bipolar depressive episode.
And you don’t want that, do you?
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
Maybe I don’t know exactly what an episode is. My wife has at least one per month. She does hide in the house, we have not had any visitors over the holidays for 3 years now, nor does she want to go even to her brother’s home. She does go to work but complains about it alot.
You did the right thing, I agree with you completly. I need to digress from this issue, I need help in learning how to deal with my grown step daughter and her lies and when thinks you did something you DID NOT DO, THERE IS NO CONVINCING HER. The specific event that I am refering to happened this summer when our six year old granddaughter was with us for two months this past summer, she was in the pool almost every day with her cousin, they had snorkel masks on and off all day long and since my granddaughter has long, frizzy, curly hair, alot of it came out and ended up at the bottom of the pool. When I brought her home to Texas, I had her hair in a pony tail and jelled and in a long bananna curl, her mother screamed at me that we cut her hair without permission, WE DID NOT!!!I HAVE BEEN PUTTING UP WITH HER FOR 25 YEARS, I AM READY TO WASH MY HANDS OF HER BUT SHE HAS OUR SIX YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER. Just yesterday, (Jan. 9, 2011) when the other grandmother (who is the biological mother of my my grown stepdaughter,and she is wonderful by the way and she puts up with alot of BS from her daughter and does not say anything to keep the peace so she does not lose visiting privilages with the baby) had the baby call us to say hi, while waiting to go into church, the baby is still saying “Mommy is mad at you for cutting my hair” I said “Devin, did you tell mommy that we did not cut your hair? You must speak up and cannot let someone get in trouble for something they did not do.”And my husband, (who denies that his grown daughter is bipolar, just a b—h, said “Devin, do you remember the snorkle mask you had on and off all summer and the hair at the bottom of the pool? She replies “Oh, yeah” Needless to say I am getting chastised for expecting too much from the child. I love this child with all my heart, she is the sunshine of my life.I live for the vists in the summer, I am constantly getting told I buy too many clothes and toys. I am afraid the lunatic will stop the visits (they moved from New York to Texas two weeks before her third birthday in 2007 which just tore our hearts right out of us.) This is stilll going on and I am at my wits end.When she sends emails with nasty remarks or digs I just ignore them and do not reply. We do have a fairly good relationship with Devin’s dad. Please help, sorry this is so long – did not mean to go on and on but as I said I am at my wits end.
How do you deal with being accused of doing things you did not do? This is tearing us apart? There is no reasoning or talking to this irrational individual.
Hi Dave,
I don’t think you did anything wrong telling this girl she needed to know about bipolar. She was probably thinking I know about it I live it, but the truth is more likely she lives with it without fully understanding it.
A little education on the subject other then from personal experience may go a long way in her understanding of herself. It is not an easy illness to live with, like most illness, but with most illnesses you are not embarrassed to tell people what is wrong with you. What is often the case is the person ill does not want anyone to know and like this girl if not hides out just hopes people won’t notice your odd remarks or behavior. Believe me people notice and wonder why. I hope this girl thinks about your comments and decides to try and figure out just what it was you were trying to say.
Have a good day.
Oh my! David, after reading this newsletter I realized I’ve been doing exactly this for the past 4 years. I’ve even had the thought that I’m just waiting to die, on several occasions. I’ve had this fear all along and didn’t even realize it. I just wasted 4 years of my life and I’m only 53. I believe I now have some major changes to make. Being I also have the problem of not owning a car I trap myself inside as an excuse. You don’t happen to give away cars do you? Anyway, I better get busy because I have a great deal of work to do.
I hide out all the time in fear of exposing myself as Bipolar ( ” and crazy” is what I think in my head) I am afraid to commit to helping at my son’s school , even though I love it and it makes me happy, because of a fear that the teacher may not like me, may notice I am bipolar which means crazy, and I may have to cancel on her ( as I have done many times) and look very unreliable due to my disorder.
I can so relate to hiding out. I do it alot. I want to live and not be a slave to bipolar disorder. I want to be me again.
i’m a cutter, borderline personality disorder, bi-polar and anxiety, and clinically depressed. when things just don’t go right i don’t know if it is the bi-polar, or which illness i have that drains me to the point that i cut my self. I get lonely and no one understands. i look for an outlet for the pain. I don’t leave the house, because I become anxious. I only go to the p.o. to get my mail and that is about it.
I just read your post and I dident know that thay had such small epeasodes seems like my daughter is in a rage all the time she goes into the hospitle today for brain workup and maybe then thay can find out what is going on with her then like I say she stays in rage and now seiziors and she is a drug addic I do worry about her but I know that I cant put up with the rageing she has I really wonder if she is takeing her meds the right way and when she sleeps its like she goes into a coma so thay are going to check her for sleep Apenea also hope thay fine what is wrong I dont think she can last to long like this thanks for being hear Joyce
Dave,
I didnt read all of your blog, but I can tell you one thing you did completely wrong….You told the girl what she should be doing. Maybe she should be learning more about being bipolar but to tell someone what they should or shouldnt do in their life and with it is the wrong approach.
Next time this issues comes up and you hear your self saying “what you should do is” or “you shouldnt do….” stop and reevaluate…do you like being told what to do? She came to you for comfort and advice, not to be told what to do.
Im Bipolar II mixed and trust me, it is a major trigger for me and sends me right into being pissed off.
Thats my thought.
leah
I am not surprise how this woman reacted .perhaps she needs more understanding than just what she says .she may be overwhelm,she needs to share and learn how hard bipolar is but it can be control with medication and support.
Hi
I just wanted to comment that, if one is taking their medication as prescribed, they should not “be afraid” to go out in public. This can be very counterproductive to their recovery/stability. Staying inside and isolating oneself from others and normal human contact is definitely NOT a healthy way to deal with bipolar disorder. Yes there is stigma attached to bipolar,I know,I live with it myself, but as I say, fear of “losing it” or behaving badly in public will only make you worse. Paranoia will destroy ya! Cognitive behaviour therapy works wonders. Besides just pills, I firmly believe that some kind of therapy is necessary…i.e. talking to a professional on a regular basis. God bless all living with b/p disorder,it is not an easy path but it is still life, which is a heck of a lot better than nothing!
Dave. I joined your site almost a year ago when after 30 minutes a psychitrist told me I was bi-polar. After serious side effects from every med he had me try, I remarked to him that I thought I was getting worse …not better. He told me I was attacking HIM..That he was trying to help me. That was my last visit with him and finally found a wonderful caaring psychitrist at Duke Medical Center. Though some of the symptoms I have read, are similar to what I fell sometimes, my Dr…and the group she works with, said there was nothing they saw or heard from me that indicated that I am bi-polar. I have been diagnosed with Panic Disorder and severe clinical depression. Now nausea and vertigo have reared their haeads almost everyday. I keep hoping to find the right combination of drugs that will let me live a more normal life…BUT I am better….and though I was embarassed and ashamed at first to tell anyone what was wrong, I have learned that I sometimes need to talk about it. If people don’t understand…and back away they wern’t true friends to begin with. My husband, my doctors, and a group of wonderful friends and family support me.. I can’t ask for more than that. I think telling the girl she needed to know more about bi-polar was the right thing to do. We all need to be informed…about ourselves and our loved ones.
Hello Dave, I have beenteading your posts for a long time now. This is one I disagree with. I have chronic episodes, which is hardly addressed. No one I know including my Psych. doesn’t agree. Atleast my Internist does. I see him minimum of once a month, and he understands the various degrees of this disease. I am not able to take alot o medicine available due to serious reactions. I have alot of support at home (even though they don’t understand). I am 53 years old and lived through tis nightmare all of my life. I try tp find joy in what I can, but my mind will not stop. I take pills to sleep, yet I don’t sleep. I have gained 30 lbs. with the meds. I don’t go out because I don’t enjoy it. I try to sit in nature)peace. I can’t let my thoughts go. I suggest not all of us are the same. I know we aren’t but some of us are worse than a few episodes. Mine has been for years!!!
Hi All,
I wouldn’t admit this anywhere but here, but anytime I go for any period of time feeling good, I get more and more afraid, terrified of the day when things are going to turn bad.
I spent the first couple of days of last week telling myself how good I had it. I went for 18 months or so bouncing around but mostly feeling sick and depressed and just horrible. I thought because I was feeling good and jumping out of bed every morning feeling like a new man that I had acheived some degree of stability… then I started staying up late every night and spending money out the whazooo ordering stuff from Amazon & other sites. Lithium makes me shake so I can’t take it. I’m doomed. Maybe not this week or next, but sooner or later I’m gonna get depressed again, & I’m doomed.
Being that i’m an aspiring actress/artist – this condition sounds familiar today- the symptoms sound like things experienced once self-actualization occurs though -hmmmm who knew???
Simply find a “healthy connection”.
Does it keep you hiding inside, afraid to go outside? Does it keep you from having a normal social life? Does it keep you from seeing friends and family? Does it keep you from doing the things you enjoy? Does it keep you from making plans? Does it keep you bound up in fear? That’s the main question.
perhaps if someone views it as a curse that person might may ‘WANT’ to turn this ‘disorder’ into a BLESSING – actually make it work for them….psst. some times unconditional support of that “loved one” can help them realize that it’s just overwhelming support….
Dave, trust me, YOU DID this girl a favor….
I know from experience that what you have been saying about not isolating yourself, still be around family, and so on is so true.
I go to an Adult Day Care and was going to volunteer to be able to be around people so I wouldn’t get so depressed. This has been very helpful for me. I have Bipolar 1 and tend to get manicky more than my husband who has bipolar that leans more toward the depressed side. I go around people more because I was and still am more sociable then his personality is, and helping someone else more disabled or handicapped than I makes me forget my problems. I am looking at this cup of bipolar like it is half full instead of half empty.
I’m not sure what is going on with me lately. i am bi-polar & on meds but over the past several months it seems like it’s harder & harder 2 make myself get out of the house, it’s gettin pretty bad. i dont fear an episode i just get extremely stressed out by having to be around people. i had a stroke a yr & half ago & due 2 this stress i miss alot of my appointments because i end up getting so stressed that i sum times get physically sick by the thought of going.at this time i have missed to many apts at mental health and have to be seen in the walk-in clinic so this means i will have 2 go there & sit for however long til sum1 can see me. i cant get my meds til i see sum1 & what i have will be gone soon. i dont know what if ne thing to do now. i am starting to think there may not be ne thing i can do other than just deal with my probs on my own in my own little world.
i think you did the right thing dave and i know from my own exteriences with my husband he gets offensive over things alot of times and some for no reason but like you have taught me you have to talk about things and their/your feelings but sometimes they just go off what i do is just let it go for the time being and he comes around but this girl i think really does need someone to get her out of this cause all it will do is make things worse for her but you did nothing wrong just keep your head up on this there is some people that dont really want help or maybe they do but just dont know how to except it but maybe you did help her you could have headed her in the right direction for help you put it in her mind so maybe she will think about everything you did say to her i dont think you did anything but the right thing so just keep being you.beverly