Hi,
I was at a bipolar supporters support group the other night, and this woman came up to me and started talking to me. She was telling me how her family and friends were accusing her of making a mountain out of a molehill (in other words, of overreacting) with her loved one and
his bipolar behavior.
She was really upset by this, as these were the people who she turned to for support, and she felt like they were letting her down, and in her words, “siding with him” (her loved one).
I asked her to tell me more about what was going on. She said that her husband George was going into manic rages and calling her names and accusing her of doing things that she wasn’t
doing (like having an affair with her boss when she came home late from work one day), and was spending money like it was going out of style, and she was sick of it – She said she was just so sick of it all that she was just going to divorce him and have done with it all!
I tried to calm her down (she was very upset by this point) and told her that I could see where it might seem that her support system might be “siding” with her husband if they were encouraging her to think harder before she went ahead and divorced him over his bipolar behavior.
I explained to her that many bipolar supporters have complained to me about the same types of behavior, but that they haven’t divorced their spouses – they have found other ways to work out their problems.
She did, finally, calm down, and agreed to at least think about not divorcing George right away.
Can you see how sometimes you can get so caught up in your loved one’s bipolar behavior that you can make mountains out of molehills if you’re not careful?
It’s important that you express your thoughts and feelings to your loved one BEFORE you get to the point that you simply want to divorce them rather than try to work things out, like this woman who spoke to me at the bipolar support group meeting. By this point, she is, indeed, overreacting to her loved one’s bipolar behavior.
There are other methods to use besides divorce to cope and deal with your loved one’s behavior.
It really shouldn’t get that bad or that far. It’s up to you not to let it get that far.
Communication is the answer. As well as setting boundaries and limits, and then sticking to those boundaries and limits. That’s the most important thing – sticking to the limits that you’ve set. Otherwise, you may as well have not set them at all, because your loved one learns that you don’t really mean what you say, and they push the limits every time.
For example, let’s go back to the woman at the support group meeting’s complaints. She said that George, her husband, would go into manic rages and call her names. Obviously, she would feel hurt by this. So it is up to her to communicate to him that it hurts her when he calls her names.
She needs to wait for a time when he is NOT in a bipolar episode and say something like:
“When you call me names, it hurts my feelings.” or… “When you call me names, I feel…”
Then she is effectively communicating her feelings to her husband, and he can take responsibility for his actions and hopefully stop his behavior.
If she does this on a consistent basis, there will be no making a mountain out of a molehill,
no overreacting to his bipolar behavior, and no divorce on the horizon – they will have good
communication, and they will get along.
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
Feel exactly the same way about leaving/divorcing, but how do you communicate to someone when they don’t feel their manic states are there?They can change so rapidly.
Hi Dave,
Frequently I agree with what you say, but not this time.
I don’t think you are being fair to the supporter by telling them they are “making a mountain out of a mole hill”. There is nothing small or trivia about name calling or unfounded accusations. There is nothing small or trivia about living your life in an uproar when your love one is in a manic state. You know this as well as any bipolar supporter. I am not saying this woman or anyone should give up and get a divorce but she needs understanding and support herself. Although talking to your love one is always a good idea it seems that many times when they go manic, for that time period everything seems to be forgotten. Words just come flying out and people get hurt. I think it is important to try and step back a bit and find a healthy distraction even for an hour that will give you some relief from the situation your bipolar loved one is putting you in. As you know it is not easy dealing with a person having an episode the trick is not to get sucked into all of it. I guess that’s all I have to say other then I just had a terrible weekend myself with mini episodes from my husband. Thanks for letting talk.Have a good day.
David, I disagree with you on this one. Setting boundaries and limits when your loved one is not in an episode is all well and good, but in my experience, it has little impact once the episode starts. Chances are that this woman’s husband doesn’t yell at her and call her names when he is not in a manic episode, and he would probably agree that this behaviour would be unreasonable. However, once he is in an episode, he no longer responds to reason, and he sees her as deserving of whatever treatment he dishes out. Additionally, if he is typical of what I’ve seen, he will see no need later to apologize for his behaviour.
I fully sympathize with this woman, because I am married to a man who does the same things, and I have nearly reached the end of my rope, too. When he is not in an episode he is a wonderful, caring, good man, but during his episodes he becomes a raging, irrational horror. My husband takes his medication faithfully, eats well, exercises, and generally does everything he can to control his illness, but he still has episodes a couple of times a year. His psychiatrist says that this is as good as it is going to get, and that we should be grateful that my husband is employed, still married, and has a great relationship with our daughter. This is little comfort in the middle of a mixed-episode rage.
I, too, frequently ponder divorce, because I’m afraid things will get worse. I worry about what my daughter is learning about male-female relationships, because much as we try to hide it from her, she knows that daddy is angry and bossy, and mommy is upset. I find myself withdrawing from friendships and family relationships because I don’t want others to see what our lives are like. My husband is a well-respected and well-liked man at work; he has developed a whole toolbox of coping skills to hide his illness from others. But he can’t hide it from me, and eventually, as she grows up, he won’t be able to hide it from our daughter. And what happens when she enters her late teens and has a 15-20% chance of developing the same illness?
I”m sorry, but I find your advice in this column to be a little too pat. This woman turned to you because she needed help and support to figure out what she should do, and you offered her simplistic solutions. I’ve tried telling my husband that his behaviour during episodes “hurts my feelings”, and he accepts no responsibility for that or for anything else he does during an episode. If I try to address it while he is in an episode, he mocks me and becomes more abusive. Like me, I’m guessing the woman to whom you spoke has already tried all the boundary-setting stuff, to no avail. If she’s anything like me, she is exhausted with trying to find “normal” in a situation that is anything but.
The divorce rate for people with bipolar disorder is extremely high, and there is a reason for this. It’s damned difficult to live with. I don’t know where my marriage will end up, but I wish this other woman the best of luck in dealing with her situation, and I hope that she will be able to go – or stay – with support from her family and friends.
Yes David, it is easy to want to “throw in the towel” w/your marriage when your bipolar spouse rages in a manic state over and over again…it is emotional abuse stemming from his or her disorder~however; if you can learn to seperate the person from the illness while this is happening (very difficult), one can take a deep breath and know that it will soon pass~ I have had to learn how to “self preserve” when my bipolar husband’s “monster” comes out…it is sometimes exhausting & as you well know; traumatic. Sometimes I wonder how long I can endure~
In my case I am begining to see patterns that make me believe he is using explosive angry behavior to manipulate rather than being a true BP. He can turn it on and off on a dime and always uses it to get his way. Also his risk taking behavior starts immediately after he gets his feet on the ground and things start looking stable and hopeful again.
He has a habbit of telling lies and half truths to make people do and believe what he wants them to. And this seems to be manipulative behavior rather than true BP. I believe he grabbed on a recent diagnosis in the psyciatric emergency dept in order to excuse his irresponsible behavior.
I have tried for six years to get things on a workable path, but he always strays off and starts the high risk behavior and really I think he is more of an adict than someone who has true anxiety depression disorders. He just wants to control everything and everyone.
There is zero time between his idea of what he wants and when he MUST make it happen. Does that sound BP. Several other observers who know and or work with BP people say it is not.
VERY PRIVY TO THIS!!!!!
I can totally relate with the woman who’s husband has done some horrific things to hurt her. I have been there, Infact I have been in my relationship four years and my husband has left me four times. I know that if it were’nt for my strength we would be another divorced case in the system. What I do now is when he is having his behavior~ I leave the room after a few choice words of course. I let him have his words with himself and a little while later when he’s done we talk. He usually feels horrible for the way he has treated me. He knows not too many people will tolerate that behavior. Yeah I get depressed too just like anyone else. I just know that without me he may not make it on his own. Also I made a vow IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH.
You know I struggle with this mountain vs. mole hill
thing everyday. Everyday I ask myself if I should
talk to my girlfriend’s family or friends about her
being BP. As she reminds me frequently she has not been
“diagnosed” with BP but if you never go to the docter
for help than it makes it hard to be diagnosed. I keep asking myself if I called her sister or one of her friends with my concerns would they really take it seriously or just blow it off as relationship issues.
As supporters of someone with BP the stress makes each
awkward comment or strange behavior seem like a mountain
in our world when they pile up day after day.
Here’s an example of what I mean. My girlfriend bought
an eliptical exercise machine to work out on. The machine is in a spare 2nd floor bedroom in front of a large window with mini-blinds. She lives in the city so there are houses and apartments directly across the street from her house. When she started using the machine she would usually work out in the early morning
when it was still dark which meant she had to turn the light on. After awhile I would notice that
when she did this she would open the blinds in such a way as to tilt them up enough so that someone in the apartments across the way would have a clear view of her
working out. As everyone knows when you’re in a lit room and it’s dark outside there’s no reason to have the blinds open because you can’t see anything outside anyways. To me this was exhibitionist behavior
and kinda creeps me out. When I brought it up to her, gently, she totally dismissed my concern and seemed irritated that I would even have a problem with it. A few months later I found out that a man she called a friend, from her past bus riding days, lived in the apartment building across the street. When I met him on the street with her one day he gave me the jealous vibe…you know where they don’t really wanna meet you because they have a crush on the person you’re with. I would like to hear what any ladies out there think of this…am I making to big an issue out of this? Mountain or mole hill?
So much of my time is spent arguing or just disagreeing with my son, who becomes dramatic and on the edge of crying over trivial things. He is combative and cocky and wears me out.
His Dad wants me to send him to a military school to “straighten him up” or wants us to split up.
My son has discontinued Geodon due to side effects. He took stimulants for 9 years for ADHD, then changed the diagnosis to BPD, but I still don’t think he’s been diagnosed right.
But I can relate to the overreacting. I can hear myself droning the popular reply of late….”I’m not fighting with you.” and remind myself to step back before getting sucked into the unnecessary disputes that he constantly brings into the room with him.
This is no fun, and we suffer every day. I wish I knew this was how it would be years ago, and I would not have had any children.
I am so grateful to have found this website. I am struggling with the ideal my 15yoa daughter is possible bipolar like myself. Her dad has never accepted I am bipolar, and have to take a lot of medication. He refuses to allow me to take our daughter to the doctor for help. Her dad tells me constantly I use bp as an excuse for everything which goes wrong in my life and it is an excuse for me to take poills. I struggle daily with the pain of fibromyalgia which makes it harder to cope with the bipolar. With bp there is very little medication that can be used to treat the pain of fibromyalgia. I own, operate a Beauty Salon and Janitorial business part time plus work part time as a merchandiser so I have to deal with people constantly. I work seven days a week and people are constantly pulling at me to do something. Sometimes I would like to escape reality but that is not possible. Being in relationships are horrible. I have almost given up because no one understands.
This story has also touched me, but there is a difference in that it is not a spouse but my child. I have an 18 year old who has bipolar and is very volitile towards me when she is manic. We’ve been going through these motions for a couple of years now. She’s only had one friend – and now he is becoming a problem getting into drugs and trying to get her to give him food and money, which of course comes out of me. When I don’t give it to her – there is hell to pay, because she thinks this is the only way to hold on to him. She doesn’t to drugs thank God, but I worry all the time he will mess with her in that way. When she is manic – I get the name calling and then begging to get what ever she is thinking, whether it be clothes, food, or money… my nerves are shot and sometimes I don’t know if I am going to get pushed to putting her in residential which is the very last thing I would want to do, but it’s getting harder and very draining. I try to stay the course and say no money but the things she comes out with are horrible. She does come back at some point saying she’s sorry – but we are not as close as we use to be and it really upsets me. Will it always be this way???
Seriously Dave, you have to be kidding with this post. Where is your compassion for a fellow supporter. It is not only the sufferers who need support – we need it too! If she wants out then she is fully entitled to it, people get divorced for far less reasons. Just because her husband has BP does not mean that she has to stay in the marriage. If it is affecting her health (stress levels etc) then she is fully entitled to call it a day. What is she getting out of the relationship? What support and understanding is she getting? There is a very high percentage of supporters who end up with clinical depression and PTSD (myself as an example) due to marriage with someone who has BP – is it worth it?? I did it for 20 years, and now I am suffering all these affects from all the emotional abuse – and believe me I tried everything. Sometimes one needs to know when to give up the fight. Perhaps this is her time, and she should be supported in her decision.
I am sorry to say that I am forced to “throw in the towel” and filed for a divorce. This 2 1/2 year marriage has been a roller coaster ride that has financially and emotionally taken a toll on me. I am in debt $19,000.00 dollars due to my marriage. Plus he is trying to say that “HIS” debt is mine. He has a great motorcycle and insisted on getting Harley Davidson, he secretly borrowed money from his “ex-fiance” to purchase this bike and drove to Oklahoma to pick it up, the bike was never reliable and was only used locally 20 miles here in there.
He was very sweet and really swept me off my feet while dating. I guess he could keep his “good behavior” with short weekend visits. We only dated on weekends as he is a truck driver, so I did not see his anger until 1 week after we married. He screamed and yelled and intimidated me saying that the HOUSE needed to be in his name now. It wasn’t even in my name it is owned by my parents and I rent from them.
I took care of him during his shoulder surgery and he should have been back to work much sooner. It took me telling him if he can go snowmobiling or ride his motorcycle he should be able to work.
Last summer I ended up having surgery and my mom came to help me physically. He screamed and yelled profanities at me and my mother. My mom is a nurse and knew the care I needed and He didn’t lift a finger to help. Because of his anger and physical violence I ended up in an ambulance to the ER. He was arrested and has since violated restraining order several times and had moved across the street where 2 of his windows faced my house so he can watch. one night I needed to pick up my son and as I had no choice but to drive by his place to get my son. He opened his door wide and posed making faces at me. This means he had to be watching my home and vehicle during the dark evening. CREEPY.
He also got himself on “medical Marijuana” and I am telling you, “I believe strongly that this intensified his mood swings more than ever”.
There is peace in my home with him gone and he was evicted for other reasons out from across the street.
This has been the biggest mistake in my life and I will be paying for it a long time financially, emotionally etc.
I have been reading your blogs and reading and trying, learning how to be a supporter, wife etc. It was never good enough for him. After marriage I found out that I am wife number 5 with several relationships in between. He is now currently in another relationship, like I said he was very charming until we married, even the honeymoon went sour. He pushed hard to get married quickly.
I have no desire to be in another relationship and will take things very slowly if I do. I will need to learn to trust again.
Tracy
Hello Dave –
Great post!! loved it, you have hit the nail on the head with me with this one. I am always deemed this. It seems if I gert emotional and react to anyrthing…”oh she is having a bi-polar moment” as the joke goes, very frusterating. but sometimes I do over react a bit, and get very upset….especially when I am ubder attack. My husband thinks that bi-polar is just BS…silly non-sense, all in the ehad….and yes I for sure react to that ( and he is to BP) I try to tell himn it is REAL….that there is lots of people like me out there with bi-polar…he thinks it is all just in our heads, and everytime I react….I am deemed from my bi-polar. Lately I have been having many emotional BP episodes where I am emotional and over reacting to things, hard to deal with when I am all alone, no support what so ever, and my husband does not believe me!!!
(Christina.MacDonald168@gmail.com)
Why is it, when I looking for something to help me understand my bipolar, I end up with this?
I understand how hard it is to support the mentally ill, but where do I go to learn how not to be that constant burden?
I know you warn against it, but I stay home just so that I don’t add to the negative image of mental illness.
I don’t know if you understand how hard it is to live each day pretending not to have a mental illness. It gets even harder when you think your presenting a good case for a model citizen who happens to have a mental illnes, when the news blames every major trauma on the mentally ill.
Now if I even think about letting slip that I’m bipolar, I risk being branded a one of those ‘news makers.’
This is tough. (and by the way I SO appreciate this blog…it helps me so much) I had no idea what bipolar meant and I will say my heart, love and prayers are with each of you. While I do not understand WHAT my loved one experiences during his “time”; I do wait for it to pass and try to talk about what happened. The name calling is only one issue. The other is sexual promiscuity. 5 times in 8 years…I go to pieces and have a hard time NOT TAKING IT PERSONAL. Anyway, problem is, he does not think he has done anything wrong. Help me understand this… does he not remember, ANYTHING? really? I have found ways to escape the harsh words, sometimes by locking myself in the bathroom, turning on everything i can find, plugging my ears, and singing! I am a forgiving and understanding person. I have been his longest relationship. The hard part is that after 8 years together, I am facing behavior issues with my 12 year old daughter. Of course common sense says a child will do as they see not as they are told…. the majority of her life she has witnessed her mother being treated in an “ABUSIVE MANNER” I don’t know how else to explain it. Boundaries that have been set that she is now not respecting. She is angry with him, understandably, because of what she hears and sees. She has been so upset that she has talked to her teacher at school and of course law says they must report things like that and I have been confronted by children services 4 times. But talking about these events with “BOB” is never successful. He insists HE is not the problem, SHE is. Or “I” made him call LIVECALLS for women. REALLY? Is there any possible way to make this relationship work? Does he really not remember any of this? There is a small part of me that says, come on now?!? Of course, he is off and on his medication and at the moment is hateful and sarcastic and will explode if you even hint about the fact that he might need to deal with some issues, let alone bipolar. I am heart broken. At this point my daughter and I have left. We share a couch at a friends house. I have no job, no money, I don’t know what to do except accept that I cant take it anymore. He is threatening to through our (daughter & I) things in the trash if I don’t come back…but wont agree to see a counselor or his doctor. He is a wonderful man all the other times…His father is bipolar and takes medication, they see the same doctor… I’m heart broken. My daughter is unsympathetic and PISSED…at the world…. Any input? Besides the obvious?
Hello I’m Olivia i kno how the lady at the group is feeling my husband calls me names to when he is in one of his moods but becuz i am ADD i have issues too so i call him names back i feel horrible about it and i been trying to work on getting better and i have but he isn’t he says words like this to me excuse me for language husband “I really hate this b*tch”,…honestly it hurt and i told him how i felt but he will say sorry but when he gets in moods he calls me it again there is a coupke time he called me a fat a*s i told him that really hurt and he stopped calling me that but he didn’t stop calling me a b*tch we fight all the time and he lies and says he takes his meds and i know he don’t i think i am going insane please help!!!! email address http://www.piper_pheobe_2005@yahoo.com