Hi,

I got the following email, and I thought I’d share it with you, to see what you would do in this same situation:

“Dear Dave, I have a son who is 28 years old. I believe he has bipolar disorder, partly because I do, and partly because, well, he just seems to be showing all the signs and has been for some time now. My ex-husband thinks I’m overreacting just because I have the disorder, but I don’t

think so – I think it just makes me more aware of the signs and symptoms.

Anyway, I haven’t interfered before now. And I’m not even interfering now. At least not yet. But I don’t know what to do now, now that my son is asking for my help. See, he’s never asked for my help before, and when I’ve suggested that he might have bipolar disorder, he’s always been in absolute denial of it.

But he called me the other day and he was so depressed! He talked about how unhappy he is with his life, how he doesn’t know who he is, how he hates his job, where he lives, how he has no friends left, how he’s been drinking, how he feels nervous and anxious all the time, how he can’t focus and concentrate at work any more, etc.

God, I felt awful for him. He sounded just like I did before I was diagnosed! I asked him if he was willing to seek help, and he said he had made an appointment to see a psychiatrist next Tuesday, that he does want help, that he can’t go on living this way.

So I’m glad that he’s getting help, but I want to help him, because he’s my son, but I also think that I shouldn’t interfere. What should I do? Or NOT do? Any advice? Laura”

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Wow. What a story.

Well, at least it sounds like her son is willing to get help, which is always a plus in these situations. But Laura is right about being hesitant with her help. She is his mom, and if she tries to do too much, she could put him off.

Or she could enable him, which is also not healthy for him – if she does too much for him (things he could do for himself), he won’t have any reason to do these things for himself.

For example, Laura could have offered to go to her son’s first appointment with him. Would that be interfering? That’s a good question. On the one hand, it is showing support, and if he is really nervous, it could help him. On the other hand, it might hinder him from being honest about what he’s really been going through, which might keep him from getting the proper diagnosis. So it’s kind of a personal judgment call in this case.

She has chosen to stay out of it and let her son do this on his own, which seems to be the right thing to do for her. Still, she is worried, as any mother would be.

But if her son has bipolar disorder (which, from her list of symptoms, it seems a likely possibility), he does need to get help. He will need to see this psychiatrist for evaluation and diagnosis and be put on medication. But he will still need someone to talk to about his problems – those problems that involve his bipolar disorder and those life problems that co-exist with it.

If your loved one is seeing a psychiatrist but not a therapist, you might want to consider having them add a therapist or counselor to their treatment team. A psychiatrist is usually the person who prescribes the medication, while the therapist works more extensively with dealing with the issues surrounding the person’s bipolar disorder on a long-term basis.

Although this mother is concerned about her son and wants to be there for him, she cannot be his therapist – he will need to find one on his own.

Your Friend,

Dave