Hi,
I hope you’re having a great day!
You know, too many people think that supporters of loved ones with bipolar disorder are weak, but I think they are some of the strongest people I know.
Think about it…
To watch your loved one go to hell and back when they’re in a bipolar episode…
To see them feel so bad, so sad, so helpless and hopeless, and you not be able to do anything about it when they’re feeling depressed…
To know that you can’t control what they do when they’re in a manic episode, to have to live with the idea that they’re out there somewhere, doing all kinds of risky behavior, possibly leaving you in financial ruin…
That’s not weakness…
That’s STRENGTH.
A quiet strength. The kind of strength that other people don’t see and can’t understand.
Being a supporter takes strength.
Other people don’t know you or your loved one – they don’t have any idea what you go through on a day-to-day basis, so how can they judge?
They can only imagine how they’d feel, so if they’re thinking you’re weak, well, it’s only because they’re looking at a mirror and that they’d be weak if they were in the same situation, so what does that say for them?
You have a quiet strength that others don’t see – it’s not a weakness.
Not any more than that just because your loved one has a “hidden disorder” makes it any less of a disorder!
In my courses/systems below, I talk about what it takes to be a good supporter, and being weak is certainly NOT one of the characteristics!
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
It takes strength to hold up your head when other people are looking at you and your loved one with judgment in their eyes, and to fight the tendency to defend yourself against that stigma, especially when it’s coming from family and friends.
They just don’t understand – they don’t have to live with bipolar disorder like you do. I’d say that THEY are the weak ones, not you! Because it takes strength to fight this disorder on a daily basis, never knowing if your loved one is going to go into an episode or not.
It takes a LOT of strength to be a supporter, as you know.
But people fear what they don’t understand, and they won’t take the time to read about bipolar disorder so that they will understand your strength in the midst of a powerful illness. So they continue to think you’re weak, when really you’re very strong.
So keep up the good work!
You’re much stronger than you think you are!
FIND OUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT ME
Visit: http://www.bipolarcentral.com/testimonials
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
David,
I want to thank you for all you letters and news updates; however at this time my family has suffered a great loss along with my being soley responsilbe for my adult daugher who is bipolar, her daughter and my son who has just undergone surgery and still in physical therapy. I have read all your emails and you seem to posess a valuable tool for people who are affected by such a serious and tragic mental disorder. Unfortunatly at this time I am unable to purchase what my family so desperatley needs due to the enormous finacial strain I am under. Please continue to send me your emails (they are very uplifting) because I hopefully will one day be able to purchase it. You seem to be a God Sent. Take care and continue to do the great work you have done for so many people.
I need to just do this email now. My stress levels are high. They want to give my daughter shock treatment. Will this help????? Medication is not working or helping fast enough
Ta
Lynn
Dave, This lesson has hit me hard as being a supporter. Being able to step back for a minute when you are really frustrated during an episode, and think about what is going through her mind and it’s not her fault. So first thing I do is not hold that against her and next is a hug and tell her that I understand and it’s gonna be alright. That is, in my opinion, the hidden strength.
Good Morning David,
Thanks for the good e-mail this morning, and every
morning, I do appreciate so much getting them.
Sometimes its hard to type in David, that was our
Son’s name, and he was a wonderful guy, everyone
that knew him loved him, and its been 5 years since
he was killed by a atv machine and a train hit him.
He had just turned 45 years, he loved life, makes a person
think how we never know when our time is up on this
earth and to be ready to meet Jesus at any moment,
Our grandson is doing well, we just keep praying for him,
he is back in college and also working,
Thanks again for your wonderful e-mails, I really look
forward to them.
God Bless you David for all the good you do to help
others.
Sincerely, Darlene
Thanks! I really needed to hear that today 🙂 It helped me more than you will ever know. Thanks for what you do, its appreciated even if we don’t remember to tell you often. Have a great day. Terry
Thank you for these comments today!!! My husband is
Sooo much improved or as the Dr. says more average!! You have helped me through some Rough times. You are so right that no one understands and you ask yourself “Why am I enduring this?” I have thought myself weak but no I am not. Thank you David.
You had no right posting my story to you on the web..My daughter saw things that I wrote and she is very upset that you made my inquiries public. I demand that you remove my name from your public website today
Thanks for this encouragement, because there are the times when one can feel hopeless and helpless in a situation where your loved one, in my case my wife, is in a manic phase, screaming and shouting at you.
What we need to realise is that even the worst episodes do end and life can return to a balanced state.
Thanks for the information you send out on a daily basis to us. I realise it takes a huge amount of work, but the effort must be worth it when you get such responses.
Keep it up.
Thank U for the encouragment.I feel drained completly.Unable 2 THINK what is best for our loved ONE.Your letters help us 2 deal with this very very difficult situation.Thanks and GOD BLESS YOU.
Thank You for giving me info on bipolar i havnt been seen by a Dr. but I took the on line test and it wasnt good. I’m trying to work it out and do the right things. I’m doing better so far as I can tell still have work to do but getting close.
Dear Dave
It is so true that your supporter do have strength as it is not easy to cope with us. They are there to comfort and support you. To wipe away your tears and to share your pain. We should actually be thankful but sometimes we still feel as though they don’t support us enough. I know we can also be very selfish at times. Those of us that do get the attention the love and support must appreciate and be thankful that we have a partner that really understands. I would like to thank you Dave for reminding us of the small things in life we need to appreciate.
I sitting her crying because I was feeling weak as my 19 year old daughter just told me I am “shit.” and she hopes I rot in hell! I know I don’t deserve that in a text from her but I am feeling very vulnerable right now. I know I am not weak, but I do feel it at times when dealing with life’s difficult situations. Thank you for your support!
Hi Dave,
Thank you for the nice emails I get daily. I really enjoy them. I am my sons supporter and its nice to know that I’m not weak supporting him. I have everybody telling me they wouldn’t put up with this and that but they don’t understand that my son is really not responsible for what he does when he is in an episode. I am my sons soul supporter and I have a hard time trying to make people understand where he is coming from. I feel for my son and I want the best for him. He is a very sweet and loving person and has a very warm heart. He would do anything for anybody if he could. He just has a hard time with his bipolar. I look back on all the years he has had bipolar which has been about 16 years and ever since he was diagnosed and hospitalized several times over the course of years I don’t believe he was ever really well from it. I think he learned how to fool the doctors into believing he was stable but wasn’t. I look back on some of the things he said and did and remember how I used to ask him was he alright? Some of the things he said and did I would tell him he sounded psychotic and he would laugh and tell me he was just kidding he just wanted to see how I responded to his actions. I gave my son the benefit of the doubt and let it go. My son would get offended when he was released from the hospital when I told him I was going to take charge of his medication. He would say he was an adult and big enough to take care of his self. He didn’t need MaMa taking care of him, so again, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and let him do what he wanted. I now know he isn’t capable of really taking care of himself. He does good for awhile and even takes a job but it doesn’t last. He usually stops taking his meds and stops his job and eventually he goes into a bipolar episode. I now know from reading your emails what to look for when this happens. I have learned however from his counsler at the hospital he is in now that he will probably have to be supervised for taking his meds. I don’t know how I’m going to make him understand this because he is so adamant about taking care of him self. There is really going to be alot of conflict when he is released. I now have a situation that when he is released he will have to go into a residential facility for the mentally ill to be looked after and he will not understand that, because to him there is nothing wrong with him. I find it really hard dealing with bipolar and it breaks my heart that he has to live with this disorder. How do I make him understand that he is not being punished or exiled from the family because of bipolar? I can’t have him living with me because I am disabled myself and the last time he had an episode he attacked me twice and one time put me in the hospital. I know it wasn’t really him doing this but what will happen the next time he has an episode? Will he be worse? I don’t know, but I can’t put myself in jeporady. What do you think? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Please write me back and let me know what you think about this situation. I know you can’t tell me what to do, but I would appreciate any feed back I can get. My husband my sons stepdad has had it with my son and he doesn’t want anything to do with him. He said he has dealt with his mental illness long enough, but my husband has a brother with mental illness that is very sever and has been all his life. He now has to live in the hospital because his illness is so bad. Don’t get me wrong, I am not making excuses for my husband but this is one of the problems I deal with. I can’t make him understand about bipolar, he is one of the weak people you were speaking of. Well, I could go on and on about this but I know I have written enough already. I could write a book.
I hope to hear from you soon. If anyone out there reads this and want to send a comment please do so, I welcome it.
Thanks
Ann
People can be very judgmental for sure, I am not quite sure why, perhaps they judge what they can’t possibly understand. I gave up caring what people thought of me when I was a teen. Maybe it was my BP that made me not care or logic, reasons are insignificant anyways. I was the oldest of 7 and we were poor, so the kids at school were always making fun of the poor stupid hillbillies (my family). My brothers got into a lot of fights and I just plain didn’t let it get to me. I will soon be 55 y/o and I have gone thru life not caring what others thought except for the important ones like spouses and other family members, and employers. I try very hard to not judge, as I know the pain it can cause. It is not my job to judge anyways, I have found that if I mind my own business, I have no extra time left to mind others business, unless they want my input. In that case, I am always willing to offer to help based on my experiences, a few words of encouragement, a sounding board, a Prayer for the person in need, and a Prayer that I have been able to help the person in need. I am as strong as I have to be, I struggle with BP 2, my daughter has BP 1 and my husband has BP as well so. I am a BP survivor and a supporter. The area where you must use good judgment is when trying to find good Drs and Therapists, but try to keep in mind that just because these Professionals were unable to help you or your loved one, they may be able to help several others. It is like BP meds, one size does not fit all. Thanks Dave for your hard work. You are very much appreciated.
I do not understand what makes you say, “You know, too many people think that supporters of loved ones with bipolar disorder are weak,”…..I would like to know if you truly have heard that statement or if you just THINK people THINK that…..Do you ever answer blog questions?????? If so, I wish you’d explain that further.
I’ve only ever been told how great it is that I can be there for my friend and that she is so fortunate to have support like I give her.
I enjoy the information in your letters, it’s just that this one kind of struck me as odd….
Thank you in advance if you are able to reply……
Dear David, You always end your emails with “your friend” and I can honestly say that you are a friend to all of us out there. Just the gentle reminder every day that the kind person (my husband) can turn into a crazy person if I don’t make sure that he takes his medication regularly and generally try to make his life as smooth as possible – which is difficult for me as I tend to be forgetful, lazy and self-centered, helps me more than you will ever know. I have referred many people to your website as I believe there is so little REAL BP experiential information available. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Your friend, Johanita.
I’ve been on the BLOG a couple months ago an now I’m back. My wife has BPD and filed for devorce. I suspect “know” she’s on a manic episode as she seems te be able to face anything comming their way. We go through episodes every 6 months which lasts for a month or two. This one is really bad and there seems to be nothing I can do. There is no respect for anyone else but focussing only on what she wants. I trust GOD will give me the wisdom to do whatever I need to do to save the three childern’s future.
Thank you for your -emails they have been very helpful, l am getting over a really bad episode, which lasted over fifteen months, for most of that time l could not get out of bed or cook anything or do any housework, my poor husband had to give his job up to look after me, but thank god hopefully this time they have got the medication working properly and l’m feeling in control of my bipolar.
Tina
WOW! that email Rocked me to the core. I always knew that my Supporters ignore me because they didn’t know what todo with me. The email made me feel guilty for Never noticing their effort to care. It made re feel guilty, because my boyfriend is the only guy who openly asks if I’m ok, and the only person who takes care of me even when I am at worst. it made me cry and love him more than ever.
thanks
Visit http://www.my2polar.blogspot.com for my BP journal.
I truly, truly appreciate your today’s email, David because I was a bipolar supporter to a loved one for 4 years, and we were lucky to have friends around the two of us who not only knew about bipolar but also acknowledged in many ways my ‘keeping the act together’.
Yes, it did take its toll on me, and although I was never diagnosed, I do believe that I suffer from PTSD which would not surprise me. My loved one is no longer with me, and I miss him ….
Blessed Be …. Freya
Yes, thank you for the encouraging words; however, at this time in my life, I also need a lot of supportive prayers. And here is why: After a 44-year marriage, plus a prior seven-year relationship through high school and college, my bipolar husband decided to take off with an acquaintance from our seventh grade class who pursued him over the telephone. I don’t even remember this 65-year old woman. My husband and his “new woman” have been living together since April 2008 in Palestine, TX. I do believe that the new woman is after his money, as do my adult children. Mysteriously, I just found out that her drug addict son was incarcerated for burglary in April 2008. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
David, please keep this important information coming our way. To me, it is a blessing to be able to have correct and current information about bipolar disorder on my computer screen almost every morning. Living with this disorder is often times worse than what I believe hell to be. Carol
hi dave i am writeing this as i have suffered all my life with bipolar since i was 15 years old . i started skiping school and drinking heverly . at times i felt so alone but i have the most amazeing family support anyone could ask for . my first marrage broke up and i am re married with two lovely children. my husband has been through some of the worst episodes of my life .i feel so angry sad and always want to be on my own at times i am trying to put some of my feelings in this letter but they are so deep i am upsetting mysef the feeling of emptyness and the actions the illness has on me at times is unbearable i am on medication which has helped alot but sometimes i dont know myself marg
Although my prime supporter (until she got Alzheimer’s) (my adopted Mother) did not accept my mental illness (“No daughter of mine is a mani-ac”), she treated me as “normal” and was suffering from a “physical” problem, not psychological. It was the best thing she could have done for me at the time.
However, after she passed, my neighbor told me (at age 43), that my Mother had treated me “Like a three-year-old.” Looking back, THAT was our relationship. She was a VERY controlling individual, and things HAD to be done HER way. If even a neighbor could recognize our symbiotic relationship, then I’m sure even mutual friends could see it. She had two sisters (both of whom died from Alzheimer’s), who adopted her behavior toward me. I was NOT treated anyway different from the way I was treated BEFORE my bipolar was diagnosed (at 20). I am 60 now, and have NO supporter.
It’s been difficult being “on my own” without my “rock” of a Mother. I’ve been widowed twice, so know how to take care of someone else. I’ve been a supporter of a boyfriend who was a paranoid schizophrenic, and my second husband was OCD and “maybe” bipolar. I’m a MUCH better supporter of someone with bipolar than I am taking care of myself!!
I follow a rigorous treatment plan, and try VERY hard to live with bipolar disorder. Unless I tell someone I have it, there’s no way on God’s green earth that they would know. However, I’m on Social Security Disability, and my therapist says I CANNOT work. “Stress” is my trigger, and I’ve lost many jobs (and gone into minor episodes) because of it.
I feel VERY lucky to have come this far with bipolar (and other physical problems); I KNOW God has a special plan for me; it’s just hard trying to figure out what it is! I try to be a compassionate person, and to love and be loved. After all, isn’t that what ANYONE would want??!!
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good.
I read today’s email from David and thought to myself that at times (like now) I am soooo tired of being a BP supporter. I am actually almost of retirement age and am again taking care of my daughter and her daughter. When do we get OUR turn at relaxing, and spending our money on our wants / needs? My small salary is paying for our grandaughter’s daycare. My daughter can’t get a job right now due to run-ins with the ‘law’. Daycare is necessary to have my grandaughter on some semblance of a schedule and normalcy. While my daughter is on her meds, it is still a trial and I see no end in sight.
feeling good about myself is furthest from what it is i’m experiencing right now. my girlfriend, who now lives with me, has been going downhill for quite a while, and i believe it was willful or intentional on her part to do so. i think she took advantage of my ignorance concerning bipolar disorder in order to digress into former patterns. she lied to the nurse practitioner she had been seeing for years concerning symptoms and drug abuse; she lied to her family concerning the very same things while taking any pill either a family member or friend would give to her. she has a limited work schedule as a massage therapist and no job prospects; and as she continues her downward spiral, seemingly no insight into her condition or situation. like kathy above, i feel used and manipulated. i’m pissed most of the time believing i’m more invested in the relationship and doing whatever it takes to see her through this while at the same time watching my finances take a beating. right now, virtue doesn’t feel so good, david.
What about those of us without a caring supporter? What about us who have asked / begged / pleaded for help from our own families and were either turned away or intentionally hurt? What can be said for those of us? There definitely needs to be suggestions for survivors to find support if they don’t have it.
Hi Dave I truely like the e-mails I have an daughter that dosent admit she has a problem, and never will I need help trying to help her she is 40
To tried them all:
Don’t forget that you have made several internet friends since going on this blog! We will be here to support you when your family members are not. It’s a lot better than nothing…
David, thanks for providing this forum/blog…ESPECIALLY for those who DON’T have a good support system! This is a good start, believe me.
all i know is i am tired emotionaly and phiscally of being a supporter i can not continue my husband has not will not take medcine for his disorder and just expects everyone to get over whatever happens he thinks considering everthing he is ok i am losing what understanding i had of the whole thing
to: DEE DEE, SUE FROM OH, SUZANNE, GRAHAM, JEANNIE, HELEN & SEVERAL OTHERS,
Thank you for your care and concern during the last couple months, which have been extremely difficult for me. I appreciate your thoughts and your kindness.
My husband of thirty years , who has a strong genetic probability of presenting BPD, has turned our life upside down by having an affair this year. The affair has ended, but he refuses to even discuss what’s happened, and expects me to just put a period on it and move on. I let him remain because I know he has a serious problem and I wanted to at least try to help him. However, he refuses to even consider the possibility of being afflicted with BP, even though everyone on his mother’s familys side, has died raving, but not before alienating everyone who ever cared about them. His refusal to seek treatment has become a mantra for him. Am I right to believe there is nothing more I can do for him or should I stay and be subjected to his anger and absurdity? I feel very conflicted because I recognize that my husband as I knew him is dead and is being replaced by this “pod person”. I am afraid that one of us may get seriously hurt. What do you think? Anyone? Help me, please.
BUT IM REALY SUFERING WITH THIS COZ I REALY LUV HIM ,U JUST THINK HOW CAN I BE WITHOUT THE PERSON WHO I NEED MORE PLEACE HELP ME TO CUM OUT OF THIS PROBLEM .I CANT BE LIKE THIS ANY MORE
HELP ME PLZ
To Trish:
Unfortunately, you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. If your husband will not even consider the possibility that he MIGHT be bipolar, due to his behaviour and the fact that it runs in his family…then it will be very difficult to help him. I suggest you obtain information about it off the internet (just google “Bipolar Disorder”, pick out the most informative articles and print them out), or borrow a book from the library. I’m sure you can info off this website, too. Ask him nicely to read the information, then ask him if he feels any of it is relevant to any of his feelings.
The first step is for him to admit he might have a problem of some sort. Then get him to seek professional help. At least go for a professional opinion. Assure him that if there is something wrong mentally/emotionally, it CAN be helped considerably by medication and therapy. All you can do is point him in the right direction. Hopefully, if he loves you enough after all these years, he will trust your judgement.
Good luck to you.
to all–treat em like they were yours
Thank you… Sometimes just hearing those words you said (or reading rather) can really help make someone’s day. To hear that I am strong gives me the strength to continue learning and doing everything I can to get the help that is needed. Thanks again.
To TRIED THEM ALL:
You are a sweet, intelligent lovable person who’s been having some really tough times. I personally care for you a lot, and some people on this blog are very good people; the thing I love the most about this blog most is that we can meet and support each other here.
You brought up the point about what someone with bipolar is supposed to do who has NO supporter (as I think you have before). I have also asked this question.
DAVE:
What is a person with bipolar to do when they have NO ONE in their life who is willing to be supportive? How do you “find” a supporter???? I’m
asking you again!
Hi, David! You really are a supporter! Thanks a lot for these wonderful letters.
Dear David, Thanks for the information. Sometimes you feel so alone until you read other people’s emails. I have a sibling who has been hit with BDP for over 20 years. He’s extremely bright and picks up on the slightest expression, etc. He is also becoming excessively religious — and I mean that with no disrespect to God, since I’m a believer. He has a therapist but also has a muscular disease which complicates things even more.
I was heartened by your email but at times I also feel angry since my life seems consumed with this and it seems like I can’t have a personal life as a result of this. I am trying to get your package and am at loss at which one is the right one for both of us. Appreciate help.
It seems like everyone here needs the support!