Hi,
How’s it going today?
I want to start by asking you a question:
Does yesterday help with today when you’re dealing with bipolar disorder?
Another question:
Does tomorrow help with today when you’re dealing with bipolar disorder?
NO. To both questions.
Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow isn’t here yet. The only day you have is today, and the only thing that’s important is what you do with it.
If your loved one is in therapy (and, hopefully, they are), they should be learning this concept.
So it’s important that you learn it too.
It’s called “mindfulness” – being “in the moment.”
In 12-Step Programs, they call it living “One Day at a Time” – you may already be familiar with this concept.
Living with someone who has bipolar disorder is a very hard thing to do (as you know). Being their supporter, you have some very hard issues to deal with.
One of those issues is that your loved one may tend to live in the past, which, as you know, is no good for either of you.
It’s an issue they should be dealing with in therapy, but one which they may or may not be doing.
And, even if they are, they may be taking it out on you.
You should be dealing with what’s happening now and your thoughts and feelings about it, and how to deal with negative thoughts and feelings.
Now, that’s a pretty hard thing to do if you’re still in yesterday, or worrying about tomorrow.
The way to do it is to let go of yesterday. I know, easier said than done.
You’re probably still angry about things your loved one said or did that made you angry, frustrated, or hurt when they were in their last episode. But you have to let that go. It doesn’t help you to deal with today.
In my courses/systems, I talk about the One Day at a Time ideal, or living in the moment, not living in the past or worrying about the future:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
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http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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You need to stop worrying about tomorrow – it isn’t here yet, and you don’t know what’s going to happen. Worrying about it just makes your “today” worse.
Just concentrate on what you have to deal with today.
Today, hopefully, your loved one is stable.
Today, hopefully, you are not dealing with a loved one in a bipolar episode.
Be grateful for that today.
Or your loved one may be experiencing mood swings.
But however your loved one is feeling, you must remain constant. Concentrate on your own thoughts and feelings.
YOU ARE OK. You are NOT the one with bipolar disorder.
Separate yourself from your loved one’s disorder. And separate your loved one from their disorder.
Actually I was volunteering and a speaker said some things that are good for this message.
Let me get my notes.
Okay I am back….
She said:
“Try to keep the peace as much as you can.
Try to make today as good as you can.
Try to live in the moment.
Try to take things One Day at a Time.
Don’t let yesterday or tomorrow ruin your today.”
Know what I mean?
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David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
Wow…I like that advise..Live for today, is easier said than done..But I do try to do that…
i agree, and although I don’t have a bipolar person with me any longer, I still am working on living in the present moment sometimes it’s easier said than done. Thanks again for all that you do…
peace and many blessings,
Filiz
Yes, you do have to let go of yesterday – however you can learn from yesterday and plan for tomorrow. If you LEARNED something new that might help, remember it. If you LEARNED a new trigger remember it. And by planning for tomorrow, you can help prevent episodes. Help your loved one PLAN to have enough meds. Help your loved one PLAN to see the doctor. Help your loved one PLAN to have a healthy diet and exercise.
Learning and planning are NOT worrying. Right now my uncle is on the fire lines in California. THAT worries me! But learning something new to help me manage my bipolar does not worry me. Planning things to stay stable does not worry me. Those are out of my control. Just like my uncle being out on the fire lines is not in my control, but I can pray for him and stay in contact with my aunt. My uncle calls her once a day. I’m still worried about him.
But I do enjoy today. I NEVER know if I may go into an episode tomorrow or have mood swings or just have a bad day. So why worry about what I can’t prevent?
Dave,
Thanks for the email it really does help make it easier to live with a bipolar. My wife of almost 30 years was diagnosed in 2005 with bipolar 2 with generalized anxiety and I have dealt with 2 affairs and 2 attempts at suicide, the most recent attempt at suicide was just this last May. Sometimes I feel that there is NO ONE who understands and even our church has trouble understanding sometimes. Right now she is stable, but I do fight on occasion fight the urge to walk away. I do love her very much but sometimes I let the past in and it does hurt.
Thanks for a great and encouraging website and newsletter.
Greg Goble
I read your e-mail today on living in the moment I am not only the one living with bipolar I am also an addict who has been clean for the last seventeen years so I definetly know about living in the moment that is my saying in the rooms I would like to thank you for reminding me of that today. My bipolar has been swtable for the last four and a half years it’s awonderful thing Mr. Oliver thank you again for sharing that important information….Take care of you…Denise
Easier said than done for sure. I woke in the middle of the night frustrated because my husband does not take his medication regularly. I was thinking about “yesterday” and how I would approach him “tomorrow”. He gets angry when I bring up his medication because, of course, I’m nagging.
Any suggestions?
Hi Dave,
I just want to thank you for ur emails and advice. I have been dating a man wth bipolar and it is an interesting experiance. We have been together for about three years and those past three years havent been easy at all. Just yesterday he and myself got into a HUGE- i mean HUGE fight, one our worst yet! I really want to call it quits bc i am not sure i can handle this for the rest of my life. 🙁
I really like thi email- about Dont let yesterday or tomorrow control today and u r right, it is SO hard to let go of the things taht he said yesterday but i am really bad with holding grudges. How do i let go? How do i not hold on to yesterday??
I am alwasy worried if he is having a good day or bad, if he is going to be happy today or not. He is such a talented, wonderful, sweet, handsome and loving (when he is freaking out) and i dont understand y he hates his life so much or y he thinks his life is so bad… he is a 24 yr old, with a good job, he has seen all over the world, he has no children and he had two degrees- HOW IS HIS LIFE SO BAD??!!?? I am a single 26 yr old mother (of a 9 yr old daughter), i am a waitress that just finished putting myself thru computer school. I lost my father recently to cancer on my 25th birthday, life hasnt been all that great but i can still seem to wake up in the morning and slap a smile on my face and go about my day- happy! It seems harder to control my happiness now- that i am with Eric. I’m always worried how he will be or mad bc of how he was today, or he feels sick AGAIN, or that he doesnt have sex every day… Its exhausting!!
I love him so much, i have my whole wedding planned and they include him and his family…I want to be with him for the rest of my life, i just dont know if i can be. I know that relationships take HARD work and thats what has kept me here so long BUT this is like putting in triple-time at work 🙁 What do i do? Do u think this can b a healhy and long relationship? Should i keep going? Can u help me learn how to deal with this and how to go about a day with a bipolar partner and the ups and downs, without pulling out my hair or a major change in my blood pressure??
Thanks SO SO SO much for ur help and ur time in reading this. Also, ur time to Blog and talk about ur experiances and advice with all of us!! 🙂
Sarah
I’ve been reading your material for several days, but you never seem to get to the point. Where is the ‘goodie’, the information that one would expect to read regarding dealing with a bipolar individual?
I think this email is so correct but it is still very hard to do. We the supporter sometimes forget that they are just words that the one with bipolar says and that this is just the disease.
Thankyou for your emails!
I’ve been living with my husbands symptoms for 18 years, and always knew that something isn’t quite right.
his family has stated that he was ADD, but he refuses, says it is a bunch of______. our goodfriend and Grandma, has lived with this before, she has stated, it is Bipolar, this is how, I know what it is now.
Last night he had an “episode”. How do I help him, if he is in such denial?
By the way… Thankyou for your emails, once again, they are like a “coach”, everyday.
You know who else lives in the moment? Dogs. They live in the present moment-they don’t know about yesterday or tomorrow. If you have a dog, watch them. Watch how they wake up each day new. Happy. They are great teachers for living in the moment.
“Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” I LOVE this quote, but like other people, I don’t believe in it. I DON’T have “bad” days (like depression), but I DO have mediocre days – those when the outside world blindsides you with their problems. Like my tax debt, and my new roommate, and my refinancing – these are things I have absolutely NO control over. But – like my therapist told me today – I HAVE been VERY proactive with ALL of them, and eventually, they WILL take care of themselves.
When I DO look into the past, I find that when I was manic, were the BEST times of my life! Is that STRANGE??!! Sometimes, I wish I WERE a little bit hypomanic; then I’d be “high” and nothing would bother me! But – remembering that hypomania ALWAYS leads to a full-blown mania, I stay AWAY from those triggers I KNOW will make me “hyper.”
I TRY to live for today, but when I have bill collectors at my door, I worry about where the money to pay them will come from – and that IS tomorrow. However, living in “mindfulness” IS the most important way I have of coping with my bipolar – one day at a time is, in essence, the way ALL people – including the bipolar survivor – should live. However, it IS difficult, and if you know a guru or yogi who can do it – then he’s a better man than I am, “Horatio!”
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good.
P.S. I personally DON’T know HOW you find a live-in supporter when your immediate family is gone. However, I have a WONDERFUL supporter who is “almost” a neighbor, that I drop in on about once a week, who ALWAYS tells me how GREAT I look and how WELL I’m doing. It’s GREAT for the self-confidence and self-esteem so important for bipolar survivors. And – she BELIEVES in me!!
Actually, “mindfulness” is a state of being that is much shorter than one day at a time – it is so much more (or maybe I mean less) than forgetting yesterday and not worrying about tomorrow. “Mindfulness” is about forgetting anything behind the last thought, the last milli-second, and then not wasting your thoughts on anything forward from where you are at that moment of Now. So, you live not just a day at a time, but you live in a spontaneous state of Now.
“Now” is Eternity” because it is outside of time, because there is no “yesterday” no “tomorrow”. If you think about it, Now is the only true reality because when we think of what has past and what may be, we are not aware of what is happening now! We are then too busy to notice what is happening now! The only reality is Now and Now is always. That’s Eternity.
If you ever manage to reside in the “Eternal Now” you become as a child because everything you do is fresh as if you have never done it before. This is a state of mind that many spiritual people – e.g. Buddhists, some Hindus – seek to achieve because they believe to reside in the Eternal Now is to reach Nirvana, Enlightenment, indeed, to reach a state of oneness with their God.
As such it is much harder than just living one day at a time. I something think our blog correspondent Andrew Oliver Satchell may sometimes live in that place! See his comment today? I AM ETERNAL? Well, isn’t that entirely consistent with living in the Now, with finding a state of oneness with GOD?
To GRAHAM: I totally AGREE!! Everytime I was in a full-blown manic episode and was hospitalized, the first thing I did was take off my watch. There was no “time” as I knew it; just a progression of doing what the nurses and doctors ORDERED me to do. And the “time” I spent was spontaneous and without “thinking” what I was going to do next. It was a FREEDOM I don’t/can’t find outside of the hospital (or a manic episode).
I can’t explain the “fresh” feeling I had then; I WAS child-like in my responses; saying the first thing that popped into my head; responding to actions and reactions of the other patients; pretty much doing what I “felt” like doing. EVERYTHING was NEW, and I saw them in a new light. I guess that’s what the “chemical imbalance” does to one who has bipolar – me, especially. I had no “brakes” on my behavior. This sometimes led to being in the “quiet room” for “punishment,” but – when you’re “crazy” – it doesn’t seem to matter all that much. Looking back – it was FUN!!!
SUZANNE, you’re so right. It isn’t always possible to live just for today. I’m in a similar situation as you are: I’m drowning in bills right now and all I can think of is how on earth I’m going to pay them. Like you I also have an impossible roommate, who constantly short changes me. I have not been able to find a better one and without one I would not be able to make ends meet at all. As soon as one bill is cleared another one arrives. Yesterday is gone, that’s true, but tomorrow is looming. However, I am a supporter and my boyfriend is the one with bipolar. We never plan anything more than a week ahead. After a big episode and 6 weeks in the psych ward his meds were adjusted and he is fairly stable, although his moods and energies are up and down a lot. You’re also right that hypomania is fun, even for the supporter. But full mania is too high (no pun intended) a price to pay for a bit of fun. We try to work towards some achievable goals, though generally live in the here and now as best we can, because bipolar disorder is totally unpredictable.
Thank you Dave for todays email.This one is also a very truthful and helpful email,Even though its hard to just live one day at a time and not worry about tomorrow..
I can most of the time let go of what happen in the past with my bipolar boyfriend but its so hard not to plan or worry about what could trigger a episode tomorrow or in the future.
This is to Sarah, I just want you to know I know how you feel, I struggle with the same thing….You are in my prayers and thoughts,just hang in there and pray about what is best for you and your daughter,thats what I have been doing.
God bless you all.
hi David.
actually what u have written in that mail is part of my life.my life is ruined because of my constant thinking either about past or future,but most of the time i just think about past and regret about things that i have done and said,but as u said i cant balme myself anymore ,i should stop thinking about past. lets live for today.i will try.
thanks for ur ideas!
Hi Dave,
I agree with you. I like dealing with my sons disorder one day at a time because with him thats the only way I can handle it. Question, how do you get someone to go to support classes if they don’t want to or feel like they don’t need it? My son at the present is in a psych hospital but will be getting out in two weeks. He has had bipolar for 16 years and only went to therapy a short time. He did go to the doctor for this disorder but when the doctor suggested him to take therapy he always came up with a reason he didn’t want to go. Although he went to the doctor like he was suppose to he would eventually quit taking his meds and tell the doctor he was taking it and after awhile he couldn’t control his thoughts and would wind up psychotic with delusions and hallucinations. Thats why he is in the hospital now.
Please let me know how you think I should handle this. I would appreciate anything you tell me.
Thanks, Ann
This is the first time I have heard you speak of living in the past.
I love his old stories, but you say that is not a good. It is a good bond between us.
He feels he has had a good life, why go out more now. What do you say to that?…
I try to get him out of the house, but he will only do it ..if he has to.
We used to go for walks and now that does not happen.
He is not excercise, he claims due to the pain he is feeling.
How do I get him out of the house?
My girlfriends bi-polar yesterdays has distroyed my todays and a whole bunch of my tomorrows.. give me some advice I can use will ya
A thought … Who are we? We are the sum total of all our Life experiences. These make up what we think we are, good or bad, nice or nasty, clever or stupid, etc.. Now, if you are with five people and you are all involved in road accident, when the cops ask you what happened more than likely the cops will get five different versions, all slightly different. Why are they different? Because we all perceive things differently. That’s because what we don’t see, our brain fills in the gaps so what we did see seems to make sense to us; that then becomes what we think is what happened. So, that is what happens when you see something about yourself or something else NOW. In other words, what you see now may not be what actually happened. That becomes a part of who you are, whether you perceived what happened correctly or not. When yu look back on that event some weeks, months or even years later, you will not remember everything that happened. You may think you do but, as happened before, the brain will automatically fill in the gaps so what you remember makes sense. See where this is going?
So, if we are the sum of our life experiences, and what we have experience is likely to have been misunderstood or misinterpreted at the time we saw it and as we remember it, what we think of ourselves now is wrong because our self image is based on a whole bunch of memories or current perceptions that are partly wrong!
In other words, there is no point in judging ourselves as this or that because we don’t truly know we ARE this or that! You may think you are brave or a coward, but that’s only because of how you thought of yourself at that time and you may have got it wrong then as you may not remember it correctly now.
So, who are we? We are whatever we are at the moment of Now. No more, no less.
Now ain’t that just dandy?!
Wow. Ths is so nice…
hello, just wanted to say ive got a lot out of this emails.But just wanted to no if you got any thing more like for a adult bipolar dealing with there child that is also bipolar…..THANKS SO MUCH IVE REALLY GOT A LOT OUT OF YOUR EMAILS KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK ……
How many marriges end up in divorce because of bipolar?
I am a supporter of my 17 year old grandson who is taking Symbrax for bipolar. The symptoms of bipolar are so similar to the symptoms for ADD/ADHD that the doctor has said it is possible he could be ADD/ADHD. He has been on Symbrax for about 3 months. The real symptoms came out about 9 months ago when one of his friends was killed in a car accident. I have been told that this can sometimes cause and episode. He has gone down hill ever since. He has done some marijuana and some pills and alcohol. We are not sure what the pills were. He have not seen any evidence of his using any of these things for the last few weeks. He has been arrested for things that I know he knows were wrong. It just seems like he makes rash decisions and also chooses the wrong friends. We have talked to him about all of these things. His definitely has an anger management problem and he admits that. With all of your study of bipolar, do you think that one day without the medication can cause a change in the behavior? Also, how long does it take to see a difference in the patient after medication is started. Sometimes we think we see a difference and then he will have an episode or get unruly again. Just would like some comments from you. Thank you for your emails. It helps to hear other stories because this has been so hard.
Dear Dave
I was diagnosed with Bipolar 5 years ago at the age of 24. I don’t know how to let go of the past. I would give anything to just forget my life prior to Bipolar but I find it impossible. Before I became Bipolar my life was amazing and I think about it everyday. When I’m sleeping I dream about my life before Bipolar only to wake up and realize It’s gone, my two bestfriends are gone and their is nothing I can do to stop the ache in my heart. Before Bipolar I was so outgoing, so motivated but now I’m so nagative and bitter. I have been stable for 4 years and although I am not manic or depressed I’m not the same person I was prior to Bipolar. I feel so cheated because I worked so hard and I was such a happy and kind person and now people only remeber the manic me like the 24 years before bipolar don’t count. My two bestfriends and I did everything together, we went threw so much together and now one is getting married and I wasn’t invited. I congratulated her and she won’t even return my e-mails. I have appoligised to both friends but they can’t forgive me. Bipolar is such a lonely illness it’s like your looking in from the outside. I just can’t get past the past. Aimee