==>>Help with ALL aspects of bipolar disorder<<==
Check out all my resources, programs and information
for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
Hi,
Hope you’re doing great!
I’ve been thinking about something I want
to talk to you about. Cause you know how
I get so many calls and emails about certain
subjects, right? And a lot of times that’s
where I get my topics for my daily emails.
So that’s where I got the topic for today’s
email.
So many people have talked to me about
messing something up with their treatment
plan. Then they don’t know what to do,
so many of them just keep messing up,
like staying off their medications, which,
I’ll tell you right now is NOT the right
thing to do!
Or they stop seeing their therapist, and
again, that is NOT the right thing to do,
or they start skipping appointments with
their other medical professionals, and
again – NOT the right thing to do.
Hold on time to say…
NOTE-
I am NOT a doctor, therapist, lawyer,
insurance agent, hedge trimmer (someone
asked me this a month ago), or
other kind of professional. I am NOT
offering medical or legal advice.
Okay, we’re back.
There are so many parts that make up a
treatment plan, and I’m not going to go
into ALL the different parts, because I
go into them extensively in my courses
and systems:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
But I do want to talk about what
happens when you do start to mess
up some of the parts of your treatment
plan, and what you should do.
It’s easy, like I just did above, to talk
about what you shouldn’t do! So
that part is easy. And in most cases,
just do the opposite of that.
So for instance, what should you do
If you’ve messed up with your
medication? You need to start taking
it again, but here’s the problem. You
can’t just start where you were, because
depending on how long you were off it,
you may need to build back up to that.
So in that case, you need to go back to
your psychiatrist and have him help
you get back to where you were.
YOU MUST WORK WITH YOUR DOCTOR.
You have to be 100% honest with him/her.
If you’ve messed up with your therapist,
just make a new appointment, and start
going regularly. If he/she accepts you
back as a patient, then all is forgiven.
If he/she rejects you, you will just have
to start over with another therapist.
And that’s ok, you can do that. Don’t
let that get you down. Just start over
with the system I taught you in my
course, how to find a good doctor or
therapist. You can do it – you did it
the first time!
Just don’t let any more time lapse
before finding another therapist,
because you really do need to be in
therapy.
But now let’s say you’ve begun
isolating again. Here’s where it
gets tricky. People with bipolar
disorder are very good at isolating.
It’s one of the top indicators for
having bipolar disorder and one of
the top triggers for a bipolar episode.
Supporters who have loved ones with
Bipolar disorder watch for this trigger
in their loved one. But if the person
with bipolar disorder has let this slip,
has started isolating again, then they
are in a dangerous place – they have
obviously let part of their treatment
plan get out of control.
Now they have two choices when
confronted with this by their supporter:
they can close down, shut out the world,
get all depressed, climb into bed, pull
the covers over their head, feel sorry
for themselves, cry, and go into a
depressive episode…
OR…they can accept that even tho
they let a PART of their treatment
plan get out of control, that the
WHOLE treatment plan is still
working, and they can still fix it!
If they are lucky enough to have a
Supporter who is still sticking by
them thru this, then they can both
work on the problem together.
First you identify what went wrong.
Then you can fix it. It doesn’t have
to be something all dramatic and
such. It can be something as small
as just not sleeping right.
But once it’s identified, you can
work on it. And it doesn’t have to
be so overwhelming that it drives
your loved one to their bed – it only
has to be faced One Day at a Time.
Just today. Only today. Work on
your treatment plan the best that you
can only one day at a time. Just do the
best that you can. That’s all anybody
is expecting you to do. Nobody is
expecting you to be perfect. And they
are certainly not expecting you to be
perfect overnight!
Hey I have to go. Catch you later.
Your friend,
Dave
–
P.S. Don’t forget to take a look through the
different programs I’ve put together… each one is designed
to help you with a different area of bipolar disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
P.P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
i’m a carer for my husband who is biplor and i’m tired of being abused. Can you advise ways that i can express my needs and achieving them without causing an episode? Are my options broader than to either leave or be a door mat? My husband is on medication (for the last month) and I thought things were getting better but tonight i was shocked to find out that he still can be abusive inspite of medication. Any help out there fro m people with experience?
Very good article Dave. Thank you for sharing. What a wonderful person you are for sharing such important information with us supporters and those who are bipolar.
My husband is bipolar and your articles help me out A lot! I try so hard to support him sometimes making mistakes. I am learning though.
It is a hard disorder to understand. Everyday seems to be different. Since reading your articles life is getting much better. I am understanding more. And seeing where I need to adjust my way of thinking.
I am crying less. But tears are still apart of my life. Think it will always be. A way for me to let stress out.
Sometimes its hard to follow my husbands thinking. He tells me one thing and I do it and then gets angry when I do, do it. I get so confused at times. This is what makes me cry.
But life is getting better like I said. Thank you David. Thank you so much for sharing.
Take care and have a good day!
Dee
Hey, i wish i could afford your program(s), but we are so in debt. I also just found out about the many motels and liquor stores my husband has been frequenting. He denies all. But when shown a receipt for a motel he didn’t even want to look at it & said take it away. We will get a divorce because he refuses help & will not see a doctor. He is getting worse and is ready to have another episode. But now acts like nothing ever happened. I am so frustrated and hurt, with just grey clouds in my head. Your site has been an eye-opener for me. thank you.
Dave, I stopped seeing my therapist awhile ago, cause it seemed to be making me worse. But my doctor thinks i should be seeing a therapist. So im going back to see one soon. I hope its a good idea.
Liotis – i am a psychotherapist who does group therapy with men convicted of domestic abuse. Boundaries is part of the answer. Spend some time thinking about what you will and will not accept. Then in a calm moment, sit down and have a talk and tell your husband exactly what you said here. That you thought once his bipolar was under better control, the abuse would stop. And you’re putting him on notice that you’ve had enough. When he feels himself escalating, he needs to take a “time out” and go for a walk, bike, something aerobic and then come back and talk. If it’s “only” verbal and emotional abuse, please please know at some point it WILL go physical. The minute he slaps, pushes, does anythingi physical, call 911. What that should trigger, tho it may take time is mandatory treatment which, ultimately is what he needs.
If you can talk him into going to a therapist NOW, please do under whatever way you can to get him to make the appointment and go. A good therapist will soon find out he’s abusive, and once he has a safe place to “dump”, the abuse may get better. But, until he addresses believes about power and control over women, it will always be lurking.
Please be safe. Have a safety plan, a secon exit, a spare set of keys, a suitcase in the trunk of the car, if you can do that. Women are dying too often because they accepted abuse thinking, hoping it will get better.
Check out your local battered women’s shelter for advice… you may not see yourself as “battered”; but think about the verbal and emotional abuse and the effecgt it’s had on you… then make that call, please
Betsy
ok… thank yhou so very much, Dave. My bipolar 29 yr old daughter stopped her meds a couple months ago with some positive and some negative effects. She finally got a therapist and has seen him 3 times, every 7-10 days, thank g’ness. But yesterday she blew off her psychiatrist for the second month. He’s hard to get in with, so i’m more than terrified, when she does call in crisis, he’ll set an appointment a month out, telling her to go to the hospital if she feels she needs to.
Now her hospital experiences have not been very good and she refuses to go.
I’m terrified. She came in crying hysterically, in a major panic attack yesterday. Wouldn’t talk to me. And i’d hit the wall and was really angry with her. She didn’t need that. I left for a while and when i came back, she admitted she was drinking and using drugs. Made herself stay up and got a fair amount done. Then went out to run errands and ran into a very supportive, but very alcoholic friend.
She checked in at 7pm because we were going to have dinner; and again around 10pm that she was with the b’friend she’d had the big fight with and everything was just fine. At 3am she called and wanted a phone number. I begged her to come home, she refused. I gave her the phone number and then later thought i heard her card drive by a couple times and was beating myself up for setting a limit that i was taking the phone off the hook and locking the door.
So now we’re in the beginning of 4 inches of snow and sleet and she’s not home. The person who she called has called looking for her so she didn’t go there.
Please say a prayer she’s ok.
Gonna be a long day. So thank yhou Dave… I keep encouraging her to subscribe under her own name, but think i’ll copy off your email today in hopes that there may be “a moment”.
Oh.. she’s decided she’s going to treat her depression “naturally” and she’s really not bipolar.
sigh
TO DANIELLE: THE CARDINAL MISTAKE THAT WE WITH BIPOLAR IS TO NOT GET THERAPY. THE DOCTOR THAT TREATS US GIVES US MEDICINE TO COUNTER ACT THE HIGHS AND LOWS OF OUR DISORDER. HE ALSO SEES US AND THERE ARE ALOT OF TELL TALE SIGNS OF AN UPCOMING EPISODE. THE DOCTOR WILL SPEAK TO US AND GUIDE THROUGH THE BAD TIMES WITHOUT GOING TO THE MENTAL HOSPITAL. THE MENTAL WARD IS SOME PLACE I RATHER NOT BE. THE ISOLATING OURSELVES IS ONE OF THE EARLY WARNING SIGNS THAT AN EPISODE IS COMING. FIRST WE CUT OUR TIES WITH OUR THERAPIST. SECOND WE RUN OUT OF MEDICINE. THIRD WE WITHDRAW UNTIL A DEPRSSION OR A MANIA APPEAR. THERE IS SO MANY THINGS THAT HAPPE. 4 TO 100 THAT I WOULD LIKE YOU TO BELIEVE THAT MUCH MORE HAS HAPPENED TO ME. IF I COULD CONVINCE YOU TO GO BACK TO YOUR THERAPIST AND TAKE YOUR MEDICINE AS HE TELLS YOU. I CAN ALMOST PREDICT THAT YOU WILL STAY OUT OF THE MENTAL WARD. JAMES
I have been off my medication for over a year now because I moved out of state to be with my husband. I no longer have medical insc. to pay for any thing. I have bipoler,high blood pressure, plus colestral problems,plus a few more problems.Is there any kind of treatment help out there I have no doctor because I can’t afford one. They say my husband makes to much. After bills and gas to get him to work we haven’ got much for food. I am not working at this time, not really suppose to but I will if it’s a sitting job or easy. I have back problems, the doctor I had where I was told me not to work. Thanks Sharon
liotis, my husband was diagnosed in July with bi polar and he blamed my son for his illness, so he left he has filed for divorce. I cant say I am happy about the situation, but in reality he did me a favor. At first, I was willing to go to his appointments and help him, but he didnt want anything to do with me if my son was around that really hurt me. When we talk, he cries and he sounds very down. I feel sorry, but he chose this.
When i tell people i am doing the best i can, most of the time it is not good enough for them. Well thats what i get for not having anyone to support me. Is there anyone else out there without support and how do you make it? thanks
liotis. About the meds. Meds take time only a month it takes that long to start getting the effect from the meds. If they are not helping get him back to the doc. You don’t have to put up with any abuse. Don’t forget make sure you don’t call 911 to late if that is what you need to do then do it.
I wanted to make one more comment. Do you think people with bipolar cheat on you because they want to hurt you? Look on the web find out all you can about bipolar. NEWS FLASH the people with bipolar like me make realy bad mistakes when we not doing well. The fact is like Dave says some things we do are not our fault. Your husband or wife would not do that to you on purpose it is the bipolar. So you may say well his wife has not cheated on him. The fact is i know. When i as 9 my mom (who is bipolar) tried to kill me! now cheating does not sound that bad right? For years and years i blamed her. Then one day after reading Dave talking about how some things are just not our fault it clicked in my head and i was finaly able to forgive her. Now we working on having a relationship again. If you can’t seperate the bipolar from the person file the divorce papers today and move on. You can’t help someone if they are not willing to take it. If you stay stop being codependent stop enabling them. Have kind and understanding heart. People with bipolar really are good, caring, loving people when stable. Don’t think for one second that when we are stable we don’t carrie the guilt and shame of the bad things we do. We do. I am sorry if this made anyone mad but it is the truth and it is about time someone really did hear it from the bipolar side of the fence.
Well said BP type 2 it is called unconditional love. Liotis get the help you need while your husband is getting properly medicated. It took me more than 3 years to get medicated right. The antidepressants made me more depressed and more manic. The zyprexa put me in the hospital because I was suicidal. The geodon gave me anxiety so they put me on antianxiety meds and that made me more agressive and aggitated. Each medication is different and can do different things to people. The brain is a delicate organ. I am stable now because I didn’t give up and neither did my family.
Dear liotis,
I get the abuse all of the time.
I spoke with one of my fiance’s therapists (who are now finally calling to hold him to appointments to therapy by phone, due to his running off and going to live at a motel everyother week or so and ending up either starving, physically deteriorated or bruised up etc…) Finally his doctors and probation officer are seeing the light I suspect…. what ever or whoever he’s running off to that doesn’t care for him and sees him into starvation etc… is finally being noticed. I keep taking him back thinking that one of these days may be the last time I’ll ever see him… I am very worried about him.. I have finally communicated to his doctors via his nurse, the abuses that he is giving me at home(lies, manipulatiions, calling me names, saying that I don’t have enough money for him etc..that he “doesn’t want me”.. going out and staying out with no phone call,etc.., and myself taking all of these abuses.) One female therapist of his that is new on the scene just told me that I should go to therapy instead of leaving!!!!! I said to her, how about this??? I am not essentially going to the dentist to fix someone elses toothache!(hypothetically) How about you doctors start looking at the avenue of getting information from the “common-law spouse” because I live with him everyday for three years now and I am the one to pick up the pieces when he spends all the money, or he runs off leaving me in financial debt, or his co-worker males say they’ve slept with him which is tannamount to abducting a mentally ill person because the ones that are doing it know he’s been diagnosed with depression…How about you diagnose this man properly?????!!!!
I believe that he is bipolar, I told the nurse. I had to rat on some of the things that he was doing and as well, made them take a look at his family background for suspected sexual abuse, as there are strong indicators that this has occurred with one of his adoptive families that he was put with in his childhood. I said, how about asking him of his background and gathering information. Albeit, he is probably lying to them so that they can’t get into his past, however, I did shed alot of light on the verbal statements that come from his mouth that sound like a child is talking of abuse that has gone on. I did tell them of his adoptive mom that won’t let the father see his son and threatens his whole family that if anyone communicates with me in order to help my man get better, that she’ll disown everyone in her family….What do you think????
In my best estimation, I told the nurse, make notes give the doctor this information so that he can gain some further insight as to what I am living with and so that he can get the right treatment, cause if he doesn’t start getting the right treatment than I can’t stay…I’m being abused and I will be darned if I am gonna let you people tell me that I have to put up with it when you’re not doing your job properly.
I let my man know that I will not tolerate the abuse anymore and that I am taperecording the abuse because there is no expectation of privacy when one commits a crime and abuse is a crime. I also tell him that he’s no longer going to get away with me not telling on him…
I usually pick the right time to tell mine of any needs that I have and I usually wait until he touches on a topic, then I nicely tip-toe around it. It is the hardest thing to stay, I know. Mine has not even given me the respect to meet my family or to marry me for all that I’m doing and there for him. He just told me last night that If I don’t start to support him totally financially, (yea, like I’m going to support his abriant lifestyle)that he’ll leave. I told him that I don’t buy men…these are the gross things that I get told along with getting called a fat troll at only 127 lbs. Then he asked why his clothes weren’t done????Huh!!!
Classic abuse even if one is bipolar, it is no excuse, and I’ll tell you what….he’s not getting away with it anymore.
The designs of the manipulation I believe, is really my man’s insecurity comming out so that instead of myself concentrating on paralegal studies and legal studies, that my attention will go to him..It’s all an attention getting manipulative game. Don’t fall for it. I don’t mean to sound harsh but nothing else works. During the abusive language to me last night, (and I taped it so that I can monitor myself as to how I handle him) I simply told him that I have things to accomplish and I don’t have the time to lose focus on important things that are happening in the household right now and that if he wants to continue to say he’s leaving me all of a sudden due to me not giving him all of my school money that has been allotted for school, as he says that he now needs more than my paycheck everyweek….(Hmmmmmmm…??I wonder why?) than he can go back out there to whom or whatever is pulling him to essentially sell himself and stay out there, and that I’m not going to listen to anymore of his garbage and that I had to get ready and focused for the next day, I went into the bathroom, prepared for the next day as best I could and held my emotions in there so that he couldn’t see them (don’t forget the bipolar bait stuff that dave taught earlier, if you let them see your emotions, they’ve won and will continue) I came out and it was as if nothing had happened. He kissed me on the cheek, said he loved me and said good night. This after telling me he hated kissing me or spending any time with me at all and didn’t want me etc.. In my mind..I difused it and will note it to his doctor’s nurse and will probably give a copy of the tape. Unfortunately, he has to be treated like a child.
Do I like this? no. Could I find some other man that I would not have to ever deal with this stuff with? In a heartbeat. But the issue now is to save my man’s life. The lies and manipulations have got to stop, it’s his defense mechanism for whenever he may be leaning toward having to submit to living a good life, and in order to do that, we have to accomplish discussions and get all of these so-called large elephants of his(as a counselor once called it) out of the way. His counselors can help your communication with him. But as I, you must tell your man that if he continues, that it will be told some how some way, and even though there’s the Kovel (Dr./Client) priviledge, Dave will let you know, you can always write a letter and the Dr. can do with the information what he wishes.
It is tiring, but at least yours gave you the respect of marrying you..I get alot of broken promises. I’m in a worse situation, I get cheated on and lied to and yet I’m really the only one who my man comes to for help. I believe now that humanitarianly, it’s my duty to help this person…I told his doctors to help me help their client since I’m the one dealing with it 24/7.
Hi Titania, My heart goes out to you, as your husband seems to be exactly the same type of person as my ex-husband. In addition to bi-polar disorder my ex-husband has an addiction to (cyber)sex and is in total denial of everything. Soon after he lost his job, he had too much time on his hands, which he spent on the computer endlessly surfing dubious dating sites, emailing people boasting that he was a successful businessman with lots of money. I saw some of those emails when one day he left his inbox open and the instant messenger going while he was out. He made out that he was somebody well off and successful, when we were in danger of losing our home and all our money, which happened later. We developed massive credit card debts and the bank threatened to close our joint account, when it got constantly overdrawn. He met some of those women from those websites and took them out to dinner, etc. Then he had an affair with one of them for four months, taking her to cheap (in quality, not so cheap in price) hotels, all printed on the statements. As we had a joint account and credit cards, I paid half the bills for those sordid affairs. When I confronted him he denied everything or came up with some far fetched excuse that the hotel bills were for club events and meetings. Of course I wasn’t fool enough to believe that, since all club events were paid for by the management and not the ordinary members. Apart from the fact that they didn’t have two events or meetings a week (lol). Half of our money was thrown away at this and the other half went on gambling and pie-in-the-sky business ideas requiring deposits. I tried everything to save our marriage and was prepared to stick by him hoping that one day he would accept the fact that he has a problem and seek help from the appropriate professionals. He refuses to see a doctor and be diagnosed and even when I suggested that he should see a counseller he asked me for a divorce. When we split up (we’re not divorced yet) just over a year ago I moved from the UK to Ireland, where soon I met a bi-polar man. We became best friends and eventually lovers. He is very positive and accepts his condition and treatment. However, he is still totally unpredictable. In the 8 months since we met, he has had several jobs, which at first he was very enthusiastic about and then suddenly lost interest and dropped them. Personally I think he should be a professional artist and/or writer, as he is extremely talented. Although he takes his medicine and accepts his condition, he still has “episodes” now and then, though on a smaller scale. I believe that supporters have to be very strong, understanding and patient to make a success of a relationship with a bi-polar person. This site is extremely helpful, though I wish I had discovered it 2 years ago – I might have been able to save my marriage.
Yes, Dave you’re right about one thing – once you’ve let part of your treatment go, and you “get into trouble,” it didn’t take you “overnight” to get there. AND – it won’t resolve itself “overnight.” Once you’ve become manic – or depressive and isolated – it didn’t happen all at once; skipping your meds for a day or so, won’t make you sick. BUT – if you’ve done it over a period of time, even getting back to “square one” will take TIME. If taking ONE med once you’ve either forgotten to take it, or purposely missed it, then you can get better quickly. If you haven’t taken your medication for a LOOONG time, then even the BEST therapist can’t “cure” you immediately.
I also agree that if your doctor WON’T take you back if you’ve skipped too many appointments – find another! Just like I have to start over with a new therapist after the first of the year, a lot has gone over the damn dam to bring the new doctor/therapist up to speed with where you’ve been, and where you are NOW. I dread the idea of starting over; it’s just TOO complicated to re-hash the old stuff over and over – even though THEY haven’t heard it before.
All I can say is – stick with Dave’s idea of a good treatment plan – take your meds religiously (don’t skip a dose!), get plenty of sleep, reduce your stressors (either through prayer or meditation), eat regularly, and really LISTEN to your doctor/therapist when they suggest something new. Bipolar disorder is a LEARNING experience for ALL of us – survivors as well as supporters – and the more we learn about how to handle it, the braver and better we will be.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and the ones who love them. My prayers are with you.
To LIOTIS: GET OUT!! Or as Angelbets said, set BOUNDARIES of what you WILL or WILL NOT accept in terms of behavior. You are NOT safe. Verbal abuse is just the BEGINNING. If you allow him to see the effect he’s having on your emotions from his manipulation, it COULD turn violent, and then you WILL be very sorry/hurt.
LOVE does strange things to women. I stuck with a paranoid schizophrenic for THREE YEARS because I was “addicted” to him – had to have my “daily dose” of him, or I would wither away and DIE. I was hypomanic at the time and living on disability, so did not have to work. We were “in each other’s pockets” 24/7, so I was constantly subjected to his “moods.”
I suggest that when you get into a “row” with him – you either have to distance yourself from him – you drive away or take a walk – or have HIM be the one to go – and get yourself into some semblance of order and calm. These guys can drive YOU “crazy” if you let them…
You sound like an enabler and a codependent. Get some self-esteem and confidence (there are classes for this), and feel better about YOURSELF – THEN you can see where the relationship IS/WILL be going. Maybe you could get into couples counseling; it MIGHT open his eyes as to EXACTLY what he’s doing wrong. Just a suggestion, before you lose YOUR mind (lol).
Suzann— i LOVE the way you think !!! Great advise and having just had a sit down with my 20 yr old daughter who’s so busy beating herself up, shaming herself that she can’t or probably better said, ‘CHOOSES’ to focus on what she can’t do versus what she can do. And i’m feeling positive and have a hint of CHristmas spirit… lol, talk about two women at opposite sets of the pole.
It is good for those of us who are supporters as well as those struggling/succeeding with this damnable disease that we really do have CHOICES to make… there’s so much power in knowing that in our souls we really do have much more power than we think we do.
Great topic Dave… got our juices going and so glad i finally found that lil box where i can get email follow-up comments 🙂
Betsy
Dave and everyone who wrote today, I’ve read over and over the posts today….my darling daughter takes her meds religously, even though she sometimes says she’s sick of it. She goes to her therapist and psych routinely and very rarely misses an appointment. Yet she’s been in a mania for 2 weeks (she’s mixed, so mania is racing thoughts and anxiety – cutting, dreams of suicide/homicide, ect.) Her dr decided hospitalization would be counter productive at this point and agreed to put her back on the only med thats worked, even though it caused some lab abnormalities. She’s a little better since then (Friday) but because of what I’ve read here and my husband has visited also, were going to set some “New” treatment goals for her. She was supposed to go to a support group, have regular exercise, meals and sleep cycles. Those are the elements missing from her treatment plan. She will be 21 on New Years Eve and were giving her until then to set up a routine to include those elements. (She must also show us she’s adhering to it the best she can) I know there is always room for improvement but SHE needs to start taking responsibilty for getting better..all our support doesn’t help if she won’t help herself. My husband thinks I may be being a bit “Firm” (which was always his stance in the past), but I think we and her boyfriend have been enabeling her illness instead of holding her accountable. Anyone have any input on how best to do this or if they think it will be helpful?
Liotis—RUN! My first marraige was to a man who was mentally/ emotionally abusive, when I put up a wall and didn’t let it effect me he became violent, first to walls then to me. He nearly killed me. Get out until he’s stable, and then only allow him in your life when you have good boundries and a safe haven to escape to should you need it. Loving someone DOESN’T have to HURT!
Peggy — You’re so very lucky she takes her meds and is doing parts of the :stability equation: Dave talks about. A couple things I’ve learned are #1 With a daughter who is an adult, we need to do as much as we can to empower them to make choices. What I’ve found helpful is to print out the stability equation and just asked her to think about which piece is missing that she wants to work on.
Support group, regular exercise, meals and sleep are as critical as medication, if not more so. It’s so very tough for someone at the age where her friends are starting to have successes in school and/or work to be so ill they really are not able to work.. until that stability happens.
A friend of mine told me early on it took her son 3 years to find that stability. I about fainted. So when there’s a bad day or week, i remind myself we really are at the beginning of learning how to deal with a chronic disease that really is not going away.
I’m reminded of a doctor who told us, when my mom was terminally ill with cancer going on 5 years ago, “she’ll bad days and good days; bad hours and good hours.. and bad moments and good moments”. I do think that is the case with any chronic disease.
SO as a refresher, Dave’s stability equation which i think is essential to anyone trying for balance and stability is:
1. Medication
2. Therapy
3. Regular sleep cycle
4. Exercise
5, NOT eating fast foods or food with sugar
6. Listening to calming music before bed
7. Church or spirituality of some sort
8. NOT talking to friends with problems
9. Work of some sort – even if its just a few hours a week
10. NOT watching mindless TV programs
To stay in control, one MUST do ALL of these things… MUST< MUST< MUST It’s not an option. That includes me and you and your husband !!! It’s too much to work on all at the same time if you’re starting from scratch.. that can feel over-whelming. It really is ok, to focus on one at a time, slowly building up the arsenal. Going to post mine on a cupboard where I’ll pay attention. Betsy Since I finally found a way to get follow-up comments.. duh, please feel free to write to me directly (hugs)
DAVE, HOW DO I EMAIL YOU? My Son only takes meds but doesn’t want to see anyone? What words can I give him to make him understand the importance of doing both. At least this time he is staying on the meds although he passed out the other night after skipping 2 nights to stay up late and watch movies because the serequel puts him out. Just got the dose lowered but anyway any advice on that? please email me at
FOR PEGGY M: I am not sure tough love can work on people with bipolar, they don’t seem to handle things as those without bipolar at least thats what I grasp from my own son who was 21 in august. I feel sometimes like I am walking a tight rope, have been on eggshells since he is about 14 but now he can just tell me to go away and mind my business because he is 21 so I try but am not pushy because after two times that he cut his wrists I never want to push him over the edge if he is close to it already. Very difficult life with this disorder but worse for them than us because we cannot possibly know what they feel. Good luck to you and I.
TO: BIPOLAR TYPE 2: you may not have a support group out there but you have one here. Just remember to love yourself and do what you need to do for you. If and when the people who don’t support you now come around when you are staying on top of things and feeling well then I would probably say “if you aren’t there for me when the chips are down why bother?” but at least you have a family here on this website. We are all in this together. I love my son unconditionally as I do all my children but he has always been different and special and I will never turn my back. It great for you to list your issues on here, it feels good to get it out. Come often as I try to and best of luck to you.
I’m married (I use that term loosely since he’s home maybe 2 days a month) and a mom to 5 kids age 14 and under. I have social phobia also with Bipolar 2. I have no family around and no friends.
I really wanted to thank you today for your email, I’ve been so overwhelmed trying to be perfect and do it all and do it now…thank you for knowing how hard it is, and reminding me it’s only for this moment, this hour, this day. just get through those. thank you. I honestly cried with relief.
LAURIE – It’s so difficult for teens/young adults. This hits them at a time when they’re chronologically “ready” to be independent and make their own decisions and this !?!?!? disease robs them of so much, it’s so very difficult for them to listen, accept advice, etc.
As both the mom of a 29 yr old bipolar daughtter AND a nationally credentialled psychotherapist, my advice is to be patient (and have a good support system as you indicated) and watch for the “window of opportunity”. It comes. It really does. And usually when we’re up to our elbows in something else, so it can be easy to miss, particularly as it may be a time when they’re acting sane and its such a relief to be able to truly let go.
At any rate, that “window of opportunity” generally is something like “what do you think…” “i did x,y,z today, but i’m still feeling so down on myself” or “why can’t i be normal”. Generally in a very quiet voice. That’s the time to drop everything, if you can for a few minutes of talk.
Our bipolar friends/family get over-whelmed very easily, so its important for us to talk slowly and limit ourselves to one or two pieces of the puzzle. And constantly ask “what did you think might help you from the stability list of Dave’s” (good to run off and have inside a kitchen cupboard or some place you can grab it quickly)… which one do you think you want to add.
For young men, I’m betting the exercise might be a good addition. Most YMCAs have income based fees that generally go to 0.
As you know it’s so essential they get into some sort of support group and young men who walk into a support group full of women are gonna freak out… lol. Well probably any man. Most of the groups usually are heavily female based because men aren’t generally so comfortable talking about emotions or struggles, particularly as young adults.
I’m hoping it’s a psychiatrist prescribing the meds.. often they can be a good source for a ‘young, cool MALE’ therapist. Suggest your son just check it out.. go once or twice and see what he’s like. And, mom. while it’s helpful to have a relationship with our son/daughter’s therapist; it also may be that they need this to be a person we have NO connection with. That’s where if you do have a relationship with the psychiatrist, he can let you know this person has a good reputation.
Hope some of this is helpful. Sorry for going on and on >g< This topic came at a time when i’m feeling pretty helpless and hopeless with my daughter and it’s helped to share information and realize that she is the one in control. A bit of a gray area, as we can’t totally let go and be surprised by a major episode; but as much as possible we need to guide them to be in the driver’s seat of this illess.. they need to feel they have some control some where in their life. ((hugs))
Dave, I have just recently started receiving your emails and they are fabulous. I’ve also been fwding some of them to my family and supporters.
I was just diagnosed in March. I woke up on my 40th birthday in a psych ward not knowing where I was or how I got there. Honestly, the only reason I knew who I was and what day it was is because there was a sign on the white board saying “Happy Birthday, Jennifer.”
Here’s my question. I’m a single mom and my 16 yr old daughter is one of my biggest supporters since it’s just the two of us most of the time and since she was the main one who witnessed my breakdown. She showed extreme maturity in getting me the help I needed when I was at my crisis point. She is now extremely angry because she felt helpless to do anything to help me and she hates the fact that could not be there to hold my hand during the process. She wanted to be able to visit me at the hospital, but could not. Anyway, I am wondering if you suggest that supporters who are feeling helpless should get their own therapy? I can’t decide if my daughter’s problem is more related to dealing with my bipolar or just regular teenage stuff. She is refusing to talk to anyone about it, but I am considering insisting that she go to a few counseling sessions just to have some avenue for expressing her anger.
I look fwd to hearing from you or anyone who can offer me suggestions. Thanks,
Jennifer
JENNIFER — it is a tough time to have a momo who’s ill. I developed some serious lung and joint problems and my daughters struggled more than they let on which manifested in their getting involved in drugs and alcohol. We were all involved in therapy of one kind or another thorugh their high school years.
So you might as if you could have a “couples” session with your therapist who, hopefully would suggest your daughter get her own therapist. I am also a single mom and dad/step mom created more problems than help.
It’s a time developmentally when kids are SUPPOSED to be pulling away and becoming more and more independent. With an ill mom, they feel sucked back in and are alternately angry about that and terrified we’re gonna die and leave them alone.
So a good approach might be, “I know this is hard on you. It helps me alot to go and just dump with my therapist” (and i do hope you have one, Jennifer.). At this point, i’m thinking i’ll have one for life.. lol tho i see her every 6-8 weeks at this point, it’s invaluable time and centers me.
“It’s tough on you having an ill mom and i want you to have a safe place to dump all the ‘stuff’ that goes along with that.
So in answer to your posting.. yes yes yes yes yes. Look up NAMI on your computer.. they have support groups for boht those with mental illnesses and for their supporters. Depending on where you are, they can really have a lot of services that go along with building a life again.
Know my heart and prayers are with you
anglebets,
I do have a therapist and I simply love her. She is the one who suggested that I get my daughter help and we discussed the positive and negatives about having someone in her clinic or someone completely separate. Another kink in the plan is that she is covered under my ex-husband’s insurance and he is not in favor of it. He doesn’t think she needs it either.
Ugh,the struggles of divorced families.
Thanks for your experience. It really helps.
Jennifer
Jennifer—
Sounds like you have a lot of the pieces in place… am wondering if anyone has words of wisdom for dealing with a current or ex or family members who “don’t get it”?
Betsy,
I was shocked when I first went home from the hospital. My ex was OVERLY supportive. I couldn’t believe it and when I asked him why he was being so nice to me he said that ever since he found out about my “condition” it made a lot of things from the past make since. He has been filling my daughter’s head w/all kinds of horror stories about bipolar (like he really knows!!!!) Now he’s back to being a total jerk.
The more I find out about it, the more I realize that I don’t “get it” much of the time. It’s really nice to know that I’m not alone.
Jennifer
My psychiatrist and therapist are through the “community mental health providers” in my county (Aiken County – South Carolina) – and after doing by anyones standards I guess – exceptionally well – for a bi-polar patient – for 4 years on the same meds — anyway – my DOCTOR – psychiatrist that is– decided to terminate my care through Community Mental health & told me to get my family physician to write my prescriptions from now on. He gave me a letter to take to my family doctor on Friday (of last week) and so on Monday I took it to my family doctor who refused to “follow a bi-polar/psychiatric patients medicine” and told me to go back to my psychiatrist. So Monday afternoon I called CMH back and told them my doctor was not going to write my RX’s and I needed to get my dr. to write my scripts because I had taken my last pills that morning. I was informed my case had been closed out & they couldn’t write any more prescriptions for me. I admit I got a bit panicked and was very upset – because I was scared to not have my medicine & everybody ws just acting like it was “no big deal” – the nurses – the doctors – everybody. I eventually was able to threaten CMH with an attorney visit regarding “abandonment of care” and they relented in writing me a prescription for my medicine for 1 month – but refused to re-open my case – because they say all I need is to stay on my medicine & they are not a ‘medicine only” provider. I am on disability – I have medicaid – but I can’t find a doctor to take “new medicaid” patients — my family care physician won’t write my scripts & I don’t know what else to do. Do you have any suggestions for when the part of your treatment plans that fails is your healthcare provider?
May God bless my soul with the understanding of this matter.. I love her so much! We loved to each other.. I’m going to marry her. Even I know that my loved one is a person with bipolar disorder. Don’t ask me how hard I tried to make it better.. I can feel what are you feeling and please.. Never give up on a good thing, here we are struggle to save our loved one to be someone who have a good future..
Thank you Dave, you are my good man!
Ait – an Indonesian
My 35 yr old daughter has bipolar I think. She has been to mental health before and was on meds but decided she didn’t like those people. I too am mildy bipolar which has gotten better as I got older. Our problem is everytime she comes to my home she causes major disruption. Getting mad over the simplest things such as she wanted to eat at 6 not 6:30. She cusses, screams, shows out. Thanksgiving she ruined it for everybody by getting angry with her 14 yr old daughter for talking back. The rage started, screaming, telling the child she wished she had never been born. I call it wanting attention, because she can not tolerate attention being on anybody but her. I told her bf to take her and leave. She started Dec 23 wanting to have our christmas on the 24th, I said no it is going to be 25th. She called and texted about 100 times in 2 days raging. If I am wrong then so be it but I finally told her she was not coming at all. I also told her that she will never be welcome in my home again until she gets help. These episodes are not once in a while but everytime she comes, she is extremely jealous of everybody. 2 years ago she was so bad that I told her to stay away and we didn’t speak until recently. It is just as bad as ever so I am through dealing with her again. They may have a problem but they also have to recognize it and get help. She too can not hold a job she gets fired after 3 or 4 months everywhere she works because of her mouthing off and really taking on a “I am a bad a$$ attitude”. If I am wrong I am sorry but I am tired of trying to help somebody that will not help themselves. Her way or noway and everybody around her pays the price. One thing I have noticed is she gets on one of her kicks and she goes or calls everybody in the family to fight. Does this sounf typical bipolar?