Hi,
I was reading an article in the newspaper about a professor who was asked to give a lecture on what he would say to the world if he could – about what he thinks matters most.
I thought about that…and you know how I always relate everything to bipolar disorder, so instead of thinking of it so globally as, “What would you say to the world?” I thought about you:
Being a supporter of a loved one with bipolar disorder, what would you say to another supporter of a newly diagnosed loved one with the disorder?
Think about your answer:
• Would you tell them about the importance of medications? Because that’s one of the first things that you have to deal with, and a crucial part of proper treatment.
•Would you tell them about the importance of getting their loved one a good doctor? Because, for sure, they’re going to need one.
• Would you tell them that they’re going to need to help their loved one to get a good therapist? Because that’s an important part of a good support system.
•Would you refer them to www.bipolarcentral.com Because they will certainly need the information from this website, just like you do – but is only having the website enough? You could refer them to my courses/systems, where they can get a great deal of knowledge about bipolar disorder:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
•Or would you be more personal with them and share your own experiences as a supporter? Would you tell them the bad as well
as the good?
• Would you tell them how difficult the road is ahead for them, or would you try to spare them from this?
• Would you just complain and tell them how hard it is to be a supporter? (Trying to keep them realistic)
• Would you be encouraging and tell them that although it may be hard sometimes, that it’s worth it? That their loved one can get better?
•Would you share some of your “tips” or “secrets” on how you deal with being a supporter?
•Would you even answer them at all, or think that it’s none of their business (or none of your business)?
• Would you try to avoid them, thinking that you really have nothing share, or no good advice to give?
•Would you not answer them, because you’re struggling with the same questions yourself?
•Would you refer them to someone else (more qualified than you), like a bipolar support group?
The point is, how do you feel about yourself as a supporter? Do you even feel like you could give another supporter advice about being one? Could you share any tips/secrets about how to deal with living with a loved one who has bipolar disorder?
Are you even willing to open up to someone you don’t know (or barely know, like through a support group) and share what it’s really like to be a supporter? Or do you feel too private about it, or like it’s no one else’s business how you cope with it?
Do you feel like you’re barely hanging on yourself and wish someone else would give YOU advice?
So, back to my original question:
Being a supporter of a loved one with bipolar disorder, what would YOU say to another supporter of a newly diagnosed loved one who has the disorder?
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
The journey is a long one, the road a rocky one. But know that if you decide to attempt the journey at all, you are a rare, amazing, and caring person that has the respect of everyone experiencing the same journey with a loved one! Everyone taking this jouney with optimism are the best candidates to succeed. Take care of yourself with relaxation and alone time whenever possible. Breaks are what keep us moving forward and able to cope.
Yes, David I would tell them everything I know and if they had an email address I would forward one of your emails to them (I have done this, just so you know). I wouldn’t hold back on anything, whether I know the person or not. As I am very out-spoken and I try to be honest in everything I do or say. But I would say it with compassion and empathy for the person I have to say these things to.
I’d have to be honest and say that I am barely hanging on…..the road so far has been brutal, but not just due to bipolar disorder but also substance abuse. My adult daughter fluctuates between admitting she has the disorder, and believing there is nothing that can be done since she is on her meds and still doesn’t feel life is worth living. Self-medication seems to be the only thing she believes in; she “escapes” the pain of living with either alcohol or OTC medications that interfere with her psych meds causing terrible effects and resulting in ambulance calls, hospitalizations, etc. I feel that her best friend and I are the only ones working to help her, to (truly) save her life. Doctors don’t understand why she’s depressed on the meds she’s on now, nor seem to really think she IS depressed. Finding other doctors is challenging, because you don’t know until you try them, she’s now lost her job and her insurance because of being in hospital so many times that she is not available for work…. I feel HELPLESS too much of the time.
Rest assured, there are those who can help you.
I would be very supportive seens how i have the disorder my self and i would refer them to you dave seens how you are a great support person and are my inspiration and with your help i am not letting the illness take control of my life any more so thank you Your friend Donna Millette
My son who is now 38 is under medication and for intent and purposes is doing well
going for his Phd Ed newly marrieed and sensitive to being trre ated like a child
which I understand his knows of the bi polar and thatbis fine he objects to my mentioning the disese and very angry that IO bring it up I dont know what to do its killing me though I am suicidal and my wif has Alheimers I am 82
Dad
If you love them, never give up! At least if they’ve been diagnosed, you know what you’re dealing with as opposed to thinking they hate you and are impossible to live with. Find a doctor that will try different and new medications until they find the right combination. Bipolar people communicate differently than other people. Learn to read between the lines. Know when to ask questions and when to just shut up and let it go. Lots of prayer helps to if you’re so inclined.
Being a supporter of a person with bipolar disorder can be extremly hard at times. It takes a lot of love, caring and an open mind to continue to be there for someone with bipolar disorder. When I find I’m having difficulity to be there for a person with this affliction I ask myself 2 questions:
What if it were me with this disorder, would someone be there for me?
WWJD: What would Jesus do?
You can never give up on a person with this affliction because I believe very much that God has a purpose and a reason for each and everyone of his children, and it does really help when you keep this knowledge with you!
Never, Ever give up hope!
Sharon
I’m a retired Chaplain. I get calls constantly for counseling and encouragement for long term illness patients, divorce and loss of spouse
suffers. Bipolar is on increase. I just completed a bipolar young couple wanting to marry, and a wife with bipolar husband and two small children
wanting divorce. The bipolar young couple was not so difficult the way I do
these things, but the divorce help request is something else. I really need
your Divorce package, but my pocket money is very limited because of so many requests. Because of this limitation, I’m forced to make up a list for the divorce seeker to go by best as I can from support groups information.
This works after I talk to the Lawyer, but where the rub comes in is the
backbiting of the bipolar victim’s parent{s}. You’ve probably already guessed it: They just want a cheap way out and to continue relations with
the grandchildren—so they give the bipolar’s spouse unsound advice and
a regular, one-sided divorce takes place with many needs of protection left out. You know the rest of the story. Maybe one day soon I’ll get that
$90 donation and can order your divorce kit. rrh
Wow! This is one of the best emails yet. I guard my possession of BP from the general public, the people I work with and the people I work for.Very close friends and most of my extended family know. But I would freely admit and share my personal experience to anyone who has it and is open to discussion. I would “explore ” the topic with someone I suspect is suffering with it but doesn’t know it yet. Now here’s one. I’m having trouble at work and was “written up” for productivity and “negative attitude” a week after I returned to work from a 9 weeks off for workman’s comp claim and family leave. it was for carpal tunnel treatment. I written reprimand left me both depressed and extremely anxious. I talked to my doctor; I talked to my attorney. Now I pose the question to all of you: do you tell your employer that you have the bipoler disorder? I you disclosed it during an interview or on the application we probably wouldn’t get hired. I didn’t. But then can we have any ADA claim if they weren’t informed? If I bring it up now would that use the information as a falsified application because it wasn’t declared? These are tough questions. PLEASE share your thoughts with me.
Jim
Kenosha WI
Well written… however, my mother – who had bipolar disorder, – died recently, and I probably wouldn’t qualify as a supporter, because I never lived with her.
Secondly, the doctors I visited diagnosed me – this last time, – with schizoaffective disorder: a combination of schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder. My faith keeps me sane, but the whole bipolar thing is a different matter. In fact, with me, it’s usually the depressive episodes that really knock me over. I’m really looking for alternative treatments for bipolar disorder, because the medication has terrible and frightening side-effects for me… especially in hot weather.
Most sincerely,
-D-
I support a bipolar husband. I would say it is at best VERY difficult. I would say meds are the first line of defensive but it is a wholistic approach that is needed. Read everything you can find and become very knowledgable about this illness. You must know that you will suffer the fallout of this disease if you let it-& it is difficult not to let it! I sometimes feel that “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t! I want to help & he sees it as too much interference and if I am detached for my own sanity then I am too aloof. I know this is part of the sickness but as I said it is difficult at best. I know it can get better but it does take a lot of work from BOTH of you. The bp must be willing to work hard and accept responsibility for what he must do. If you are willing to work and love the person then work you will. It causes a lot of pain if not treated-pain for family, friends(if you are lucky enough to have those that will stick in with you), work and careers, environmental, and financial. You see, I have been married for 35 years and I always knew there was something terribly wrong with actions and attitude but did not know what it was. He was just diagnosed 8 months ago. Extensive testing and now a psychiatrist. This is all good but so many years of abuse of me(Psychological) and pain for him has led to patterns of response from both of us that sometimes are too difficult to surmount. He still finds fault with the meds and I have such resentment for all the things he has done that it is hard to feel sympathetic. The last year was one of the most difficult-he decided he was in love with someone else and she took MONEY big time from him while he was very manic. It has left so many wounds that life is tough. I go on and on and everyone reading this knows some of the pain and lot of the story. I would simply say it is a journey that is paved with joy and happiness-I’m not sure what NORMAL is- if anyone does. It is just that path I have taken and if you take one like it take care of YOURSELF!
I have a husband who is bipolar and yes I would tell the would about you and tell them there is a better help. That is why I am trying to find the best helpfor my husband.
I would share everything I know. I have bipolar disorder, and it very frustrating going from one area, depression to the other mania or hypomania. I am told you have to trust your health care provider, but
you also must be on top of your medications and be a wise consumer.
In my case I was prescribed a medication to end mania that was clearly
contraindicated on the labeling instructions of another medication I was
taking which was an maoi inhibitor. Being manic and desperate I took
the medication trusting my provider, even though my base instincts said
this doesn’t seem right. When your manic and desperate to come down
can you trust your own judgement? Not really, Can you trust your health
care provider? Well, I guess not in my case, because the medication helped me to come down, but one of the side effects is depression. It is
not listed as a possible side effect. It is listed as a common side effect.
I don’t know where to go from here. I’m not supposed to self medicate
but who can you trust. My spouse is not an MD and can only make suggestions. I am not an MD and can only go by past experience and
self education. I cannot rely on how I feel. Or my best judgement because
very often is not on track. Right now I am pretty disturbed with myself for
allowing things to get out of control, and not catching the mistake before it
happened. I am not usually passive when it comes to questions about my health or medication. I think we owe it to each other to stay in the self help groups , and support groups, because stuff happens. People make mistakes.
and it is very frustrating when he is very mad he likes to keepevry thing neat all the time so we clean every day for at least to hours and he is over protective
tell him after he has seen you get very frustrated and then he will know but try not to let him see you
I would say good luck. If they won’t admit to even having a problem then it’s impossible to help them.
Well i can say that i have bp guessn i have had it all my life and didn’t know it up untill 7 months ago. Let me tell you guys one thing the people who support there loved ones with bp i aplaude you! I don’t have anyone of my loved ones supporting me and it its the hardest thing to go through this crazy trip alone. Yes it might drive u crazy and wear you out but atleast they know u love them and are there for them. I don’t have any of that. Noone i know understands it or just doesn’t want to. I stopped taking my meds last night because i just found out i’m pregnant agian by the x. We just had a baby 4 months ago and gave him up for adoption with a stable household. Now i’m confused and don’t know what to do to be put in this situation again. I’m lost. Is god trying to tell us something we don’t know? Any advice? And again thank you to all the supporters out there you guys make a diffrence even though it feels like your efforts go unnoticed. Wish i had it.
I may have Bipolar 11,I’m not sure,I don’t get manic just severe depression and out of controll anxiety,I can’t cope with either only when I feel a bit high and upbeat I know the difference when I’m feeling a bit better.I need medication for both symptoms of the depression and anxiety other wise I’m suicidal,overdose and self harm.I also have a good doctor ,psychiatrist and group therapy which can help immensley.At the moment I am going through extreme anxiety when this subsides I will be more upbeat,bubbly,helpful,caring and generally a good person with no erattic behaviour anymore,anyone feeling this way obviously needs a lot of help and a sympathetic partner which I luckily have,I feel sorry for my 5 children who watch me go through it they are aged:10,11,12,13 and 17,they don’t understand a lot of it but they could also do with some more help (2 of them have councelling linked to this but through bad behaviour).It can be a rcky road I’ve been like this from about the age of 10 and I only have the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and unipolar depression but I think it’s more than that.
Yes, David I would have a response.
‘Don’t let him dictate your reality’
‘Daily remind yourself what the truth is knowing there is someone attempting daily to distort this truth.’
That way you are less vulnerable and less likely to become confused which is what his intention is.
You: focused, clear and immune to his attempts at rearranging your reality is not the state your SO wants you in.
You: Confused, vulnerable and under his control is the state he prefers.
And last : know when you’ve had enough. Know that you are the only one that can make any significant change by removing yourself form the union.
I firmly agree that having a strong network is critical the well being of a person inflicted with this disease. Family , Friends , a good doctor and councellor. I would hesitate to change doctors if you felt your needs were not being met. I think a person tends to wait too long before making a decision and we all know the cost of procrastination. Decisions need to be made unamously in a group , friends ,doctors and so on. These people need to be on call all the time to help when needed.
Pray is key to helping the supporter and for your love one with bipolar! Divine intervention is the main answer is my belief and faith, and so far that’s working well for me. I am a supporter of a teen and an adult and Our creator can be depended on for peace and patience, while He, the Divine Creator work it out!!!!! (sorry therapist, and medication)
I’m checking to see if this works…Each time I’ve treid to write before your site wouldn’t take my comment, even though I’m registered and you said it was set up.
David…I’m a supporter of my 22 yr. old son. I purchased your bipolar info on BP with addiction. I was dissapointed, as most of the info was basic and I already knew from my own research and was doing this. Saying they need to be in dual diagnosis rehab is a no brainer… my son has been in 3 times so far. Getting them to want to go is the hard part.
At times, what I would hope to see your emails and information lean more towards, is how to help someone with BP and addiction who doesn’t comply? Who self medicates and who is in denial about the disease at times. I know for you, it was your mom and she was older when diagnosed, so you didn’t go through this with her. She listens to you and that’s a big part of this battle to support them. The fact is, many younger adults (and some older) newly diagnosed with BP self medicate with pot or alcohol and other drugs because the meds haven’t helped them as well. After taking my son to many pdocs who put him on addictive benzos…
knowing he abused them before and being warned he would again…it’s no wonder my son doesn’t want to go that route again. Other times to be put on 5 different meds that only made him sleep all day…who would. I have searched for good pdocs, had referrals, you name it but so far the last 5
overmedicate and made him worse with an addictive med he cannot take.
My point is…How can a supporter be a good supporter if the loved one with BP isn’t willing to let them keep fighting to find the right pdoc and try
meds again (even if they wipe him out at first), and not self medicate? I realize there is no magic bullet but you talk about being a good supporter…but you write nothing about “HOW TO HELP IF THEY WON’T LET YOU BE A GOOD SUPPORTER!” If you have I haven’t seen this. If my son won’t keep trying and thinks he can do it his way…what then?? I think this is one of the biggest struggles for supporters, so focusing more on this would be of great help! I don’t see how there is anythign we can do unless they want to be helped but if there is…please let me know!
Also, if you can give more information on what harm marijuana does when bipolar, this would also help and I can show that to my son hoping this will get through to him. The non biased big pharma information I’ve researched, show many with BP benefit from using medical marijuana better than medications with all the side effects.
Thank you for your help.
DLR55
Well, Dave that is one heck of a question, first i suppose i would share I understand ,then I would refer them to your material, then i would share everything i knew and say I’d be available for support if they needed me. I’d share also, which I think is a crucial point, that if loved one does not take medication and does not seek help with everything you’ve tried and if kids involved where the bipolar person is abusive verbally and at times physically sometimes one has no other choice but to get out of the situation and not to feel guilty about it. For example, as a mother, my first concern is the safety and health of my children that means mental, emotional as well as physical. I would also share about the power of prayer and how that can help anyone through the worse situations. So, i guess in nutshell that is some of the points i ‘d make. Dave once again, thank you so much for all that you do and keep doing… may our creator guide and bless you.
peace and many blessings to all out there,
Filiz
I would tell them that it is just the toughest most painful thing you are going to have to deal with on a daily basis.
It is an illness that destroys 2 people (unless you are prepared and very strong), when only one is actually ill.
Be prepared for being used as an outlet for temper and infidelity and the recipient of very hurtful behavour but be prepared also for caring for a very vunerble soul who needs your utmost help.
Give your life at your will but help yourself in the first instance by reading and learning, especially on the web..there is so much here! Read ALL the blogs you can and the first hand experiences of both sufferers and supporters….that way, you will understand and be in less pain and that way you can help!!
hello dave,
good afternoon. i am a person who has bi polar ,ptsd, borderline personality disorder, self mutilater and was in the past anorxic.
i have a great support team. i know i am very lucky most of us don’t. it has taken a very long time. i have been to hell and back in the process of getting a good support team. i have always had my rock, she has been there for 10 yrs now. she is my case manager. i have to say i have learned the hard way. which many of us have done or are still doing. i have a good doc and a new therapist. and a good crisis worker. they are my team. i would incourage people to find out more about the services,they are intitled to in their area. i would tell them to reley on them for their avdvocatesy. i would say it is not easy at all. but i say to myself , you are strong. you are stubburn. that is one of my best and worst traits at the sametime. i have learned how to use it in more positive ways just lately. i believe that if you are invested in your recovery and u have courage and the will and the right help and the right med’s . that is a necessity. this is a momentous journey for anyone to take on. that u can acheive your dreams. they might have changed a bit along the way. mine have. i can honestly say now that i know what i want. i am worth it. my ultimate goal is to be a person who has the wisdom ,controll, support and courage to become the person i strive to be. that is someone who is proud of herself and her actions. a mother who’s children can be proud of her, and a partner who has strength left over to be a major support for her partner too. as she is bp,mpd,ptsd etc..
so i can be a someone that she can can rely on. i am not a patient person and i still have my days. dont get me wrong. it’s all not a big bowl of cherries for me, i try to stay positive as most i can. i have alot on my plate. i am determined that i will give it my all . maybe not everyday but most days. and when i cant! i just cant! and thats ok too. i use my coping skills. which took a very long time to implament. yrs. and alot of trial and error. still at times i just feel i couldnt even be bothered with them. so i am working toward my goal like the little engine that could, “i think i can” “i think i can” and it does work for me. it might not get huge results like most of us with bp and other issues do expect . but i take baby steps and i done give up! i wish you all well in your own journey’s and i hope i was of some help to someone today. i would say, stay on your med’s if you are stable on them. if not tell the doc or get someone who can advocate for u with your doc and if u dont have that than hopefully you can find locally some advocatecy groups or services and ask dave. he is a huge advocate.
take care and keep striving for your dreams. they just may come true with a bit of hard work, hope and belief that all things are possible .you just may get there. God bless, good luck too all
jean
take care ,they r your loved ones.don’t take anything on your heart as u know they dont do things deliberately. it just happens.whenever something goes wrong dont react,let it go.do the things they like.pray to god.never ever curse them.these r our karmas,accept them and do your best.
I am 27, married with 2 kids and have been clinicly diagnosed Bipolar for 6 mths now even tho I believe I’d had it longer and just wasn’t diagnosed properly until it eventually got worse over the past year. My father has it along with other mental problems. I pretty much had to make my docters listen to me to get me help and yet still there not listening and putting me in the wrong Bipolar category. My husbands my only supporter and he always thought something was wrong. Even now that he knows why I get angry and raged and irritable all the time, he dosen’t understand even half of what your body feels inside. Sometimes I just would like to rip myself out of my body to get away from the feelings. He also thinks I hate him alot but its just all the moods. Just be there for the BP person because it sucks to feel all alone in the world and to think you may lose everything and worst of all not get help. My final advice that I tell my husband is to try not to make stressful situations around me or things that send me over the edge, and its not meaning you have to kiss there butt.
I struggled for 33 years with an undiagnosed bipolar husband. I prayed, hoped, loved, and waited futilely for some change. He got worse and worse, anxiety attacks, manic episodes, unfaithfulness, and eventually he filed for divorce. I was astounded, after hanging in there all those years, trying to do what he wanted! But I’ve since learned, and would counsel someone in this situation (of whom there seem to be many) to keep from taking things too personally. There is not much comfort or reward for a supporter, unless you can get it from knowing you are doing your best to alleviate the pain of the situation. My husband was unable to give me much emotional or physical comfort; he was too bound up with his up and down mood swings, wild desires for fame and fortune, and his fixation on money and sex. I was the bad guy constantly, although now that we are divorced, and I no longer manage his household, he has lost his friends and family, run through thousands of dollars and accumulated masses of useless junk. He is also now on drugs and alcohol after many years of abstinence. It is sad, but he chose this road.
To add to my last post…”which is ‘still’ being moderated and waiting to be posted.” I would say to anyone, a supporter or those with BP to keep trying till they get it right. I have sent information to those who need help and some from DO as well. I believe we should support anyone we can to enlighten them about BP or other mental illnesses and drug addiction. I work from home so I have the ability of doing much researech online and read and learn all I can for myself to help my son and others.
Please post my last comment…thanks!
DLR55
I saw a video of the lecture you are talking about over a year ago and was impressed. I can’t tell you what the man said but I remember agreeing with most of it. This would be a good thing for most people to do every so often. I would not recommend it for someone in a manic state.
Sit down with pencil and paper and make a list of the most important things in life. This would keep life on the right track. I had a near death experience so I have a greater insight for myself but not for anyone else. Most people are not very impressed when I mention that I have had this experience so I don’t bore them with the details.
Everyone’s list would be different yet similar in generalities.
This might be a good compass in life. Make a parallel list of how much time you spend with each thing and what do you do.
Yes I would defintley tell anybody about what it is like to have biopolar.To me I think everybody has the right to know what it either feels like to have biopolar or if you are supporting somebody with it .I would defiently give any advice that I may have because I am still learning a whole lot myself.I know because my 8 yr old son has it and I possibly have it.I have not gone to a psychiotrist yet still waiting on insurance card.But if I had anybodys e-mail address I would definetly share all I know .
I need to get ahold of the propper people to cancle my membership in the diet program that is costing me 29 dollars a month, please get back to me as I will n ot pay it any more. thank you
To DLR555: In essence, there is NOTHING a supporter can do to help their bipolar loved one in matters of taking meds, self-medicating, or visiting a pdoc or therapist, unless and until the loved one WANTS to be helped. I’m speaking from experience; whenever I was in a full-blown manic episode, I would listen to NO ONE, just go about being my maniacal self. It was only after a LOT of BAD things happened around me, and I realized I was SCARED, that I sought help.
The first time I was hospitalized was in 1968 for “exhaustion,” but the symptoms were delusional religiosity, sexual promiscuity, abuse of alcohol, etc. Once on the psychiatric ward, I was labeled “mentally ill” and have been “in the system” for 40 years.
I checked myself into the hospital during both my 2nd and 3rd hospitalizations, out of fear. My last hospitalization was in 1977, 31 years ago. I have maintained my bipolar symptoms through the help of the local Community Mental Health Center – I have no other supporters. It’s only because I WANT to be stable and highly functional that I follow Dave’s treatment plan. There have been minor manic episodes, but they have been handled out-patient.
I wish you a lot of luck with your bipolar loved one, but don’t expect miracles until he comes to the realization that he NEEDS help. Self-medicating with weed is NOT the answer; it only masks the symptoms and makes them worse – I know – I tried.
Stick to your guns on getting him treatment, and my prayers are with you.
To JIM: Your question of whether to inform a prospective employer of your bipolar disorder is a “chicken and the egg” question. In my Lithium Group 20 years ago, it was bandied about; whether to tell or not to tell. With the current Americans With Disabilities Act, it would seem to me to be EASIER to tell your employer that you have bipolar, BUT – it is maintained and you are stable on your meds.
I’m sorry you got a disciplinary recommendation for not being forthcoming with your diagnosis. As long as you DO your job well, and there are no complaints from your co-workers, there should NOT be a problem.
I had a job as a legal secretary 20 years ago, in which I had a voucher for a “disability;” but I told the lawyer who hired me that it was a form of “epilepsy.” He took me on. But when I started having major troubles with Spreadsheets and accounting, he decided to fire me. He told me if he had KNOWN that I was (at the time) “manic depressive” he never would have hired me, as he knew some people with the disorder, and he had “something” against them.
So – you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. I’ve found it’s purely a “judgment call” as to whether you tell a prospective employer about your bipolar. Sometimes just “playing it be ear” is safe; other times, if they KNOW you have it, they could “cut you a break.”
Good luck on your review; my prayers are with you.
“Being a supporter of a loved one with bipolar disorder”, David, I AM the loved one. I AM the one who suffers incessantly with this horrible mental health disorder and barely makes it through one week to the next. Its anyones guess as to what will happen next in my life. But consistency and routine are totally out! I am a rapid cycler so if I’m not manic and cutting my hair off or worse cutting my arms and chest witha razor, I;m totally depressed riddled with fear and anxiety that debilitates me from doing anything, even normal activities. I take an atypical antipsychotic for the mania and a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant for the depression and an anti anxiety med for my fear and anxiousness.
I quess this blog was for a loved one not for the patient himself but I felt compelled to write something.
What a great topic for discussion. I support a sister who is bipolar, abusive to her kids, w/substance abuse. I have tried everything I know but she is very, very resistive to the idea that she has bipolar. Someone said, “There are none so blind as those who refuse to see”. And she is one of them. I am going to go ahead and send her an email with my concerns, again, and hope it helps.
There are two types of bipolar survivors, those who refuse help, and those who seek help. Those who seek help are much easier to support, but those that refuse to admit or see that they have bipolar, it is a different story and calls for tact and patience. I think the thing I would tell supporters who are dealing with someone who refuses to admit they have a problem that the best thing we can do is to let them know 1. that we are concerned for them, 2 the reason for our concern and/or resources we have gotten our information from that indicate to us that they have bipolar, and 3 that help is available when they decide to ask for it.
Until the person asks for help for their bipolar or admit that maybe they have a problem they cannot successfully deal with, our hands are tied. But that doesn’t mean we can’t pray for them. Also Worry doesn’t do anyone any good. So Please don’t worry. I know this is not easy, trust me, I know. But I also know that worrying only makes “us” unhealthy. It does nothing to solve the problem, and takes a serious toll on our mental and physical health. We can choose to have hope for them. Hope is always there, like the sun, sometimes it is on the other side of the globe, but it is always shining. There is always hope, just like the sun is always around, it may not be visible, but we can choose to see the reflection of the sun bouncing off the moon and that can tell us hope is still there. Or we can make our selves sick by worrying. Even when there is no moon out, look at all the other stars. All those stars represent hope in distant places. But they are just as much of a sun as our sun is. There is always hope!
For those who are supporting survivors who are cooperative, patience and knowledge are your two best allies. Patience to deal with them when they go into an episode and seem to change personalities, and knowledge to know that each episode is temporary and will pass. We don’t want to say things when they are acting up that we will feel bad about when they have calmed back down. The way to do this is keeping perspective. Keep in mind that having bipolar is like a drive in the mountains, there are steep grades, up and down, and radical curves in the road. It is extremely difficult to “have” bipolar, but I think it is more difficult to “Support” someone with it. I both have bipolar and support someone with bipolar, and the survival part is tough, and I almost didn’t survive it before medication, but seeing my sister being abusive to her kids I think is worse! Not to mention hurting herself with alcohol and marijuana, maybe other drugs too, but I know she is hurting her self by refusing help. I am on both sides of the see-saw and I would definitely say supporting is more difficult. Like was said… If your a supporter, you deserve a badge of honor! A Purple Heart if you will, for saving the life of someone you love.
Sincerely,
Bob
When my friends found out I was dating someone with Bipolar, most of them told me to run. I listened to my heart and stayed. Most days I feel as though I’m barely hanging on.
I would wish them the best of luck, they will need it. Advise them to get help for themselves, if they’re not stable, how can they expect to try and help keep someone else stable. Warn them that they are in for a lot of tears, both good and bad. And if they truly love the person, never give up on them.
What would I tell them? I would say that the pain in your heart is real, especially when dealing with young adults. And it is ok, to cry, and feel that your world is upside down. I would tell them that there is levels of frsutration and guilt. AND THEN I would say that you must continue to be your loves one ADVOCATE even if they fight you all the way. I would tell them that we (this country) needs a better understanding of mental health. I would scream from the mountain tops that mental health and the legal system should be Partners in the healing process! The legal system MUST work together with mental health agencies! We must be angry at the disease and NOT the person, for if you think for one monent that a person with bipolar chose this live style think again. I would remind them that in the bible book of Isaiah 33:24 “And no resident will say “I am sick”
And finally, I would hold them in my arms and tell them I much I love them, and how much I need them!
I would certainly direct them to Dave’s website. In fact I did give it to a couple of people I met in the psych ward when visiting my boyfriend there. I would also answer any questions anyone may have, provided I know the answer from experience. I have now seen my loved one in a full manic episode and know that in that state they’re not themselves and only half aware of what they do and say. You can’t force them to take their meds. However, you can get them into the psych ward with the help of their doctor. Basically what I would tell any new bipolar supporter is to have love, patience and understanding. However, every person is individually different and the bipolar would show itself differently in different people. That’s why certain meds work for some people and not for others. It would also probably depend on who you are supporting: a lover or spouse, a parent or child. Your relationship to the bipolar survivor would make a difference.
I don’t know about the rest of you but my wife would kill me for telling people she has bi-polar. She feels ashamed of her disease. I love her though so I put up with the times she hates me and dosen’t want me around. I am her only support so I take the brunt of her but I have no one to vent to. I think if someone asked me I would tell them the most important thing is to not let yourself get drowned
i can say this besides my meds and how hard my life is as i mas thinking about my mood swings how i feel when i am up or when i am down my other help anytime i am in need is my lord jesus christ. thank you odeh.
I would share whatever I could with another bipolar supporter. I have learned much from you and the people who post replies.
It’s a tough road, but worth the journey if as a supporter you can give a person with bipolar disorder a sense of being cared about and loved. All human beings need to know love, care and security.
Thank you for all that you do for all of us who are part of this fragile world of bipolar disordr.
I guess I would just say – persevere. I know that bipolarity is something that stays with you for life, but that there is no need for despair.
But I would certainly steer such a question to someone who is better versed in an answer than me!
How do you get insurance to help with Psychiatric and medicines which are so vital, but most insurances won’t cover any mental illness?
Being diagnosed back in 2000 no one picked up on it for years 1st anxiety major depression/anxiety by the time I got the help I really needed because fear was holding me back from hospitals medications and anything else you name.I was finally diagnosed in a clinic with Bi Polar.
I met a lass through centrelink in the early stages of anxiety/depression and what she told me has stuck forever WHEN YOU FIND A LITTLE BIT OF YOU PUT IT RIGHT HERE and she rubbed her stomach.SHE SAID TUCK IT AWAY THERE AND AS YOU FIND OTHER PIECES OF YOURSELF PUT THEM THERE TOO This was the first thing said to me by a very young lass and it hit home .I was looking for me.
POSTER
ROAD OF LIFE IS A JOURNEY
NOT A DESTINATION
—————————————
ENJOY IT, THIS ROAD I CERTAINLY HAVE
THE PEOPLE I HAVE MET
THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE IS OUR LORD
I became a born again Christian 3 and a half years ago
Handle one thing one thought at a time
Stay in others company
Stay in the present
I could go on and on and on with my history and interesting story
My message to you all who are suffering now is to do what you did as a child that made you happy then and gradually bit by bit you will know once again you are that great person who feels so lost and bewildered now.
Just one thing a day.Or even one thing a week to find you.Write it down one happy thing so it grows and you can see how great you are again bit by bit.
If you are a loved one stay contented that this person is still with you and loves you even though they are lost get help with them so you know how to support them and do it together.For the one going through Bi Polar
this is nothing different to diabetes or anything else people just cannot see it there is help out there Keep looking to find right one for you.When you have decided to get the help that is when you will get well
I am still learning everyday but wow what a journey
GOD is AWESOME
I want to thank everyone that has happened along my road to recovery and I never once blamed anyone else for it because it is no-one elses fault
I have learnt PATIENCE TOLERANCE how to LOVE as love is meant to be and much more but this is your journey and your journey begins where you do.Just step out and go.
If you wish heaps more help of one step at a time from me
Please ask me
I have helped lots of others one on one
I
Wow, all of these posts have really made me realize that I am not alone! I have been with my husband for 12 yrs. now, but he was diagnosed only a year ago. We are still trying to get his meds right but I am lucky b/c he finally admitted that there was something wrong and got help. To another supporter, I would say, this is going to be one heck of a journey. However, I don’t want to give to much advice b/c I feel that I myself am almost at the end of my rope. We have split up three times, after feeling like I couldn’t take anymore of the mood swings and verbal abuse. Something keeps me coming back to him…Love. I love him with all of my heart, and will continue to support him through thick and thin.
Giving someone love and support is crucial. Don’t get me wrong, all of the mood swings, many days of depression, and suicidal thoughts (and almost going threw with them) have not been easy. I would say to another supporter-please understand that it is not your fault as to why they are acting the way they are. Most importantly, if they are suicidal please get them help. Most suicides today are by mentally ill people.
I want to thank everyone who has posted on this website, it has truely made me look at this disorder differently. Good luck to everyone.
I am a supporter of my husband who has Bipolar disorder along with several other disorders. What I would say to other supporters of Bipolar is that our Mental Health System(depending on what state you are in is lousy. Most people are told they have this disorder and are put on medicine and sent out the door. They are never educated on what the disorder they have means or how to cope with different things, and especially they are not taught the importance that their medication and treatment is to them. I have run across this many times as a Social Worker. Doctors don’t take the time to explain or refer counseling in our state. My husband found a great Dr. in another state who took interest in his case even though his Dual Diagnosis was a difficult case. Psy. Doctors in our state dropped him and said his case was too difficult for them. Most of all you have to find a caring DR. who will take interest in your loved one as a person and wants to do everything to help educate them about their disorder and how to cope with dealing with it. A lot of DR. are not understanding and caring and all they do is write scripts and send you out the door never asking how the meds are doing or about any problems. I know a lot of this is due to fact that Medicare only pays at 50% for Mental Health. Mental illnesses and physical illness have been treated unequal for so long. Many states have past the Mental Health Parity Act which makes Medicare coverage for persons with mental illnesses receive equal treatment @ 80% coverage just the same as any physical illnesses. My last word of advice is to get involved and advocate for Mental Health Awareness.
Hope You Have A Good Day,
Debbie BSW
I am in this position right now. My wonderful partner (who was diagnosed schizophrenic 20 years ago but who I think is actually bipolar) has a 24 year old son who is clearly also bipolar. His behaviour is ringing great big church bells in my ears and I think we have managed to persuade him to see a doctor. I am trying not to scare his 18 year old girlfriend, but if I can I’d like to help her deal with the drunken rages and aftermath of self-loathing, which has started to include self-harm. My advice has been…
* Make sure he gets/takes meds!! My partner takes his meds regularly every night and although I have to remind him most nights he never complains (much).
* If he’s upset or anxious, stay calm. If he’s verbally attacking, it’s not personal towards you even though it feels like it! If you are calm and don’t argue back then things don’t escalate out of control. If necessary, go into another room or even leave the house for a short while and let him calm down.
* Be supportive but you don’t always have to pander to HIS sense of reality. Rather than say “no, you’ve got it wrong, it’s not like that” just say “it must be upsetting to think that is true, but you won’t always feel like this”. We know the moods come in cycles and the down phases don’t last forever but I’ve learned how much of a help it is having a stable, loving, calm, clean, tidy home to be in when the down phases start. I guess I do become a bit of a slave, making sure he’s eating and drinking properly and that he has a shower and sleeps well. But it’s worth it for me because the “down” phases don’t last nearly so long.
* If he IS in an extreme phase (either up or down) DON’T leave him in charge of the credit card!! My partner gives me bills money and the rest of what’s in his account is for him to do what he wants with. If he has a manic spending spree, it’s just his own spare cash. He has no overdraft or credit facility.
* Try and make him stay within the law!!! We found out just the other day that my partner’s son has been driving someone else’s car without a licence. Not just driving – but driving fast and wild. Obviously this has to stop for legal reasons BUT I don’t think he has enough self-perception right now to see how really wrong it is. His girlfriend needs to make sure it never happens again!
* Keep him away from alcohol. He has a history of drug abuse but that is a good 2 years ago now. We sincerely hope that doesn’t return, but in the meantime he needs to cut down on his drinking. All his fights have been when he’s been drunk.
* Never forget that none of this is his fault.
I’m sorry, I appear to have written a book. And there are probably loads more things I will think of in an hour or two! My heart goes out to anyone suffering with any mental illness and I send hugs to anyone who make the choice to support them. Best of luck to all of you. Hel.
First of all, let me tell you a little background. I am a supporter of my son who is 45 years old and lives in a different state. I am remarried and my husband is supportive to a degree, but he can’t understand my devotion when it comes to financial, because we have given until it is no longer feasible because it will endanger my marriage.
I call my son daily and try to keep him afloat, but it is very hard when he is so far away. By the way, I am the only supporter that he has. His nuclear family members have “written him off” because of the past things he did before he was diagnosed and now they just don’t understand and have no will to learn about his sickness.
having said all of that, his doctor has medicated him with everything out there that should have him under control. I think that he is overmedicated., but my son believes in his doctor *(which i know is important), but i cannot say anything that suggests that I don’t agree with his plan.
My biggest problem right now is that my son is trying very hard to make his own way, pay his own bills, etc. He got himself on housing and actually qualified for a house. He moved in and loved it, i might add, then the people came to him for his security deposit, and he didn’t have it…(all the income he has is his disability pay, and it is stretched mighty thin. ) The agency he got the home through won’t work with him on the security deposit, and i don’t feel like i can put out any more money. So now he needs to move out and has no place to go, so he will be homeless and it breaks my heart. He isn’t stable enough on his meds to get a job even if he could find one. When his moods fluctuate bosses just can’t handle that, also, his disability/social security befefits would go away if he got a job. So what do you people out there do when it comes to working and just the day to day “stuff”..it seems like society gives you a double whammy. You need the money to pay rent/etc but you can’t get a job or the programs will drop you.
This condition of his is a very hard disease to deal with. It has affected my marriage, and sometimes i think my own mental health. I am constantly reading on the internet, checking out books from the library and trying to talk sense into other family members about his disease.
If any one out there has any suggestions, i would really appreciate reading them.
Another thing that can help people with bipolar disorder is, like Ivan Pavlov would point out, using psychological triggers to bring to their mind a memory of how they felt when they were having a “good day”. For me, it’s music… It might be the smell of a certain flower, or the way sunlight hits a figurine in a window… This, of course, requires open communication between the person with bipolar disorder, and the person supporting them.
If you need any help, or advice, or just want some encouragement and inspiration, visit my site:
http://www.freewebs.com/angelsofhope2008
I’m Bi-polar as was my father,so is my 33year old son. It’s been a long journey through the years.
Never give up. Every day’s a new day. Sometimes the roller coaster ride can be very scary,happy or downright depressing. Don’t be afraid to get off . We really can function on a smoother more managable ride in life. So what if you have to take medicine to make your life more managable.
Hey! My name is Megan, and I have been searching the web in regards to Divorce Support Groups for what seems like ages now. Its really nice to know that someone out there is really writing great articles about Divorce Support Groups. I\’ll be back to read other articles you have. Signed this day (Monday).
Faith, hope and love. The greatest of these is love. As a servant of the lord, it is his will not always ours – his plans on his timing. After many very difficult years, and separation and total and complete stop in communication, we are now becoming a family again. It’s a leap of faith but when I went and finally had a tour of the group home that he has been in for almost 3 years, I knew it was the right thing to do (bring him home). I had never had a full tour before – only was allowed to see the entrance way and this is my husband that was in a group home. I now understand that sometimes you cannot help someone who has a bipolar condition until they are willing to have help and when I stopped trying so hard to help him (as a co-dependent) he started finally helping himself. I don’t know what the future holds but I do hope some rays of sun behind all the clouds we have had.