Hi,
Hey, how’s it going today?
You know, I get a lot of emails and calls asking me some of the same questions, and so those are the ones I try to write to you about.
One of the questions I get asked about most often is what to say and what NOT to say to your loved one when they’re in a bipolar episode.
I got asked this by one woman especially one time, because she said that everything she said seemed to be the wrong thing, that everything seemed to make her husband mad at her.
Well, maybe you feel the same way.
Maybe the same thing is happening to you.
If so, know that this is a common thing that happens when someone who has bipolar disorder goes into an episode.
So how do you know what to say and what NOT to say then?
I can tell you from my own experience with my mom, as well as from what I’ve learned from talking to other supporters and what they’ve written to me and told me.
For example, you should never tell your loved one in an episode that you know how they feel.
This is one comment that can make them angry at you.
The truth is that you do not have bipolar disorder, so there is no way that you can truly know how they feel.
It would be better if you said something like:
“I can understand that you might be feeling [ ] right now…”
And insert a word like frustrated, or angry, or resentful, or hurt, or whatever feeling you have noticed or think that your loved one may be feeling.
This way you’re acknowledging their feelings, but you’re not antagonizing your loved one, either.
Especially if you stay calm and say it in a soft voice.
You’re showing your support and understanding, but you’re not assuming anything either, which is what makes them mad at you.
In my courses and systems, I talk about the negative feelings that your loved one may feel during a bipolar episode, and how you can know what they are, so that you can be supportive of your loved one during these times.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
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Another thing you should never say to your loved one during an episode is, “You could just snap out of this if you wanted to,” or something along those lines.
I know you can get really frustrated waiting for your loved one to come out of their episode, but this is still not the right thing to say, even if you have to bite your tongue.
I know I did, when my mom was in her episodes.
I kept thinking things like, “If she loved me, she would stop this behavior,” or, “If she would just try harder, she could come out of this episode,” and things like that.”
But I realized that she WAS trying, and that she was NOT doing this to me personally!
If you say these things to your loved one, you’ll be making a mistake.
These types of comments can truly make them mad (hurt them) because, well, think of yourself in their shoes.
If it were you, don’t you think if it were that easy, that you would do it?
It isn’t that easy. That’s why your loved one is struggling.
You need to be more loving, supportive and understanding.
Try saying something like:
“I know this is a hard thing for you to be going through, but I just want you to know that I’m here for you.”
Your loved one may say things like, “Just leave me alone!”
Or even something as terrible as, “I hate you!”
My mom did that, too.
But you can’t take it personally.
It’s just part of their bipolar episode.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation when your loved one was in an episode and you felt like everything you said was the wrong thing?
Have they gotten mad at you for it?
What did you do?
Post responses below
Has my loved one ever said something, excuse me, SCREAMED something cruel and hurtful when he was in a bipolar episode? You bet. Has my loved one ever blamed me for everything, everything that went wrong, no matter what it was? Even if it I wasn’t there? Yes.
I have tried. But it comes to a point where it is all about the bipolar person, the bipolar person’s feelings. Don’t upset the bipolar person. Or the bipolar person is having a good day today, so we can relax and be happy.
I know that the bipolar person struggles, but so does the supporter of the bipolar person. It comes to the point where the universe revolves around the bipolar person. Let’s keep the bipolar person happy. Let’s keep the bipolar person stable. Let’s try to make sure that the bipolar person takes his medicine, gets his rest, gets his exercise, goes to the doctor, eats well.
The bipolar person in my life is a self-centered, raging asshole.
David PLEASE HELP……..i have done all the wrong things. My husband is Bipolar.this has been the most stressful 2 years of my life and he filed for a divorce.
Hi,
I’m not a supporter but a person who deals with bp. I just wanted to add that one thing my husband says that really gets me upset is, “What is making you feel this way?” or “Why are you so…(upset, anxious, depressed, manic, add any other bp symptom here)?” My husband doesn’t understand yet (he is starting to) that there doesn’t always have to be a trigger for my episodes. I can have a problem and not know what caused it. Sometime I feel…name the symptom…”just because” and I can’t put a finger on the reason behind it. I try to explain this to him but it is very hard to explain when I don’t really understand it myself.
Peg
Hi David,
When I’m having a manic episode my husband doesn’t say anything (he’s not much of a talker) he just gives me a hug – that helps a lot, even when I’m in an “angry” episode. Though I wouldn’t suggest that for someone who is in a violent manic episode.
Yes, I can sooooo relate to this email. My husband has been in his FIRST Manic episode for 5 months and has such hatred for me and our sons. He has been hospitalized three times and in jail twice during this time and now lives on the other side of the country with his brother. He has filed for divorce and says he has disowned, disinherited, disavowed and divorced our sons as well. I’ve asked him why he had such hatred for us, but he only replied with “You know why”, but we really don’t. I believe my husband is still in denial. I pray daily that he can find the inner strength to accept/work towards stabilization and able to surround himself with quality people (support system). He has totally shut all of us out of his life; he will not accept calls from us nor will he answer emails, and unfortunately, his brother will not communicate with us as well. I know we have made mistakes during this episode but we tried our best and tried to stay calm and rational. I have learned much from your emails and comments posted by individuals. I can’t imagine the torment the individual with this disorder must go through; and then accepting everything they have done during an episode. Thank you and God bless.
Although I myself never said the things you are referring to I have noticed at times there are no right or wrong things to say that everything is just wrong.
When we get to that point I try to walk out of the room. Sometimes that works and sometimes my husband follows me. So then I just ask him to please leave me alone.
He usally will but only after having the last word. Trying to not take it personal is very difficult but even my husband will say when he is feeling better that it was not meant to be personal.
Chin up everyone better days are coming.
Hello Dave i hope you are well,?
Yes i have said the wrong things when my husband has been in an episode,because he turned on me bigtime,he told everyone i was mad and that our son diden’t belong to him, and how hurtfull is that,i just coulden’t say or do anything,he got so paranoid about everything,told people i was having an affair with my cousin,but i wouldent step in his way it was too dangerous,he is on Lithium now and in depression.
Oh and thank you for all your e.mails,Love Josephine x
Hi Dave!!! Ok.. Am a bipolar supporter.. My husband skip taking his pills for about 12 days.. he started to take them already.. Slowly.. Now he’s taking the whole dose, but he obviously went into an episode, hard core. How do you do, what exactly do I have to do or think when he’s not just struggling, but his behaviour is extremely violent, at the point of beaten me and making me going to the doctor, have x-rays, and make me take pills for what he did to me..
Due to his condition, he has always had everything quite easy from his parents (financially).. But anything at the same time has been easy for him.. I don’t want to become an estatistic, I don’t want any other agression in my life.. I can’t stand this any longer, but I do love him… And I can understand what he can goes through.. But It’s not just bipolar… It’s kind of a combination of bipolar disorder with spoiltness and tantrums,and he actually recognizes that… Please help me…. Don’t now what to do.. If going to the police, sue him (like HIS mama and a cousin of mine told me to do).. Get divorce for a second time (for the both of us)… It’s a decision he needs to do by himself, I’ve seen him controlling himself in a middle of an episode… I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to get divorced… :o(
I am in this situation right now, my wife doesn’t take any meds. and she has yet to realize what’s wrong. She has told me she hates me repeatidly. She has actually moved to her moms house with the kids. She is going down in a ball of flames but there is nothing I can do to help her. This has been going on for at least 3 weeks and I am frustrated beyond words.
I so agree with you. By reflecting back what your loved one is most likely feeling, you are validating his feelings. It is so hard to stay calm when your loved one is hurling insults and nasty comments at you. And it is so hard to not let it hurt you. This is a long and difficult journey we supporters are on but if you put yourself in your loved one’s shoes, its a journey we must make for our loved ones and it is not nearly as difficult as the journey our loved ones must make to get to recovery. David, thank you so much for your articles. My husband and I look forward to them everyday. Don’t let negative, ignorant people get you down. You are providing a great service to the mental health community. Thank you for all your hard work!
Sharon – Thank you for saying what exactly I have tried to say for years!! I am smiling as I am writing this because the truth has been spoken!!
One thing my Mom, who used to be a nurse, said to me when I was in the State Mental Hospital, was not so much WHAT she said, as HOW she said it. Using the typical psychiatric nurse/tech “voice,” she said -“I’m just trying to find out what is wrong.” This hit me the wrong way all around. It was that soft, insinuating, NAGGING tone of voice she used that just drove me “crazy.” I’m sure other people with bipolar know what I’m talking about. It’s condescending, and insinuates they know more about what you’re feeling than YOU do. This set me off, and I made her leave. I got enough of that “attitude” from the people who worked there.
Maybe I was being TOO sensitive, or maybe it was the “bipolar” coming out, but it was irritatig, and I blew my cool. Thinking back on it, she was just “trying to help,” but in the wrong way.
One note to Supporters – never, NEVER approach your loved one with a belittleling attitude. This will only “get on our nerves” and we’ll refuse any further conversation with you.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.
Don’t say anything at all – anything you say or do will be used against you and twisted and turned inside out. Remember that during an episode, the perception of what you are doing and saying is way off balance.
You know, I have bipolar disorder and so did my dad and several others in my family. My Dad kept it a secret until I was diagnosed after YEARS of my own suicide attempts and multiple hospitalizations! He’s gone now unfortunately because I felt like he was the only one who knew how I felt once he admitted to being diagnosed in 1959. Back then, bipolar folks were just locked up and they threw away the key and “labelled as crazy or nuts” no matter how smart a person was. My Dad was smart. He went to Law School, he was a minister, he was an accountant, he had a lawn service he built up into over a million dollar business (but got injured and was given a workmans comp settlement) AND went into a bipolar episode and blew all that money and went way into debt and filed bankruptcy and lost their home instead of refinancing back when it would have been easy (the late 70’s;early 80’s)
I admit that I am a total BITCH when I am sick – which right now is 24/7. NOTHING anyone can say makes me feel better. I hate myself like this because I KNOW how unreasonable and mean I am acting to the ones I love the most! I have no idea WHY I keep doing it. It’s like I am possessed or something. Honestly, it’s like someone else is controlling everything I am doing or saying. But I can get on the computer and talk to other bipolar people and be understanding and kind and I have talked others out of suicide only to turn around 15 minutes later wanting to die myself. I am very intelligent and I have studied EVERYTHING I can get my hands on about this illness and yet I can’t control it no matter what. I have a therapist and a pschychiatrist and take the meds which honestly are just a frickin joke ‘cos we are their guini pigs. They don’t know what works because none of it does most of the time. I am no newcomer to this disease and YES it is a DISEASE!!!I am pissed off right now because I am only 48 and I am basically DONE with life. I have BIPOLAR, LUPUS, DIABETES, DEGENERATIVE JOINT AND DISC DISC DISEASE, MANY RUPTURED DISCS, 3 STROKES, KIDNEY CANCER, AND HORRIBLE PAIN 24/7 AND OSTEOARTHRITIS, GLAUCOMA, CATARACTS IN BOTH EYES AND MACULAR DEGENERATION WHICH CAN BLIND ME COMPLETELY AT ANY TIME! I am on a pity party and I basically don’t give a damn if you or anyone else thinks I should “JUST GET OVER IT”. I have been treated like I was crazy most of my life because of being so sentimental and melancholy. I always listened to everyone else’s problems and I truly felt their pain. I wrote beautiful poetry and stories. I wanted to be a doctor and had the scholarships for med school by the 8th grade because I excelled in math and science. But RELIGION got involved with that and objected to my colloge education so instead I got married at 16!!!! How much sense does that make? They would not let me go to college, but let me get married! Woop-ti-do! And I was abused not just by my husband, but my father-in-law found me attractive and had his way with me, too. I begged my mother-in-law and husband to make him leave me alone (gd fn pervert!) but they said he had high blood pressure and be happy that he liked me.. WELL my DAD liked me too but he NEVER did those kinds of things to me. My RELIGION hushed it up. Can’t go to the police because then that would make our RELIGION look bad! HAH! AND guess what- to be able to stay a member and not get kicked out I had to apologize to his wife – my frickin mother-in-law (who I really loved) for SEDUCING HIM! I was 16 and he was 46. Let’s see, I was a Christian virgin before my marriage and afterwards a sultry seductress who was deathly afraid of making anyone mad; GOD most of all. And this religion I was in publicly held me accountable and disciplined me before the congregation and I was THANKFUL for it. If they had chosen the other route I would have been cut off from my friends and family who were members and would be considered dead to them. How FAIR IS THAT? Yeah – I got a divorce only to marry another member 4 years later who,abused my kids and he had ALS. I worked 2 jobs ‘cos I supported our family. I was an Executive Secretary and an Insurance Agent who sold primarily to people with pre-existing conditions and couldn’t get insurance – like myself. I went to work for that company because they covered me and I wanted to help others in my situation. I made a lot of money but my husband was in the hospital every other week not so much because he was sick, but ‘cos he liked the attention and he openly admitted it. After I saw him hit my daughter across the head with a baseball bat over some stupid, immature thing, like not getting his way in a game with a little kid – I knocked the crap out of him and sent him packing back home to his mommy who was married to her first cousin! INCEST – to say the least. Even at the age of 34 – he felt like it was alright to dry off naked even in front of my kids and HIS MOTHER! Oh but we had to stay in the confines of our RELIGION which of course is the only one with the TRUTH!!!! Don’t marry outside of the Lord. You reap what you sow. Everyone who isn’t a (member) was worldly and going to be destroyed by God at Armeggedon. Everyone does exactly what they are told or gets kicked out. That is ALL I knew my whole life and had no outside friends (NO I WAS NOT MORMON) and ended up having to have several back surgeries; had to learn to do everything from scratch, so I moved back in with my parents. My daughter was drugged at age 15 and had a baby by our neighbor, but where we lived, the age of consent was 12, so the cops wouldn’t let me put his butt in jail. They were married then and she had a second child shortly thereafter and in her 2nd month of pregnancy, we caught him in bed with another girl; DIVORCE! She ended up meeting a wonderful man and they’ve been married over 10 years now happily with another child who will be 9 in January. But, our RELIGION labelled her a whore at 15; not even considering the circumstances! VERY JUDGEMENTAL PEOPLE and LOTS of HYPOCRITES! Most of them are alcoholics or pedophiles or just think they are better than everybody else in the world. They were there when my folks were dying AND when I had money to pay for me and my girlfriends to go out and eat- they would invite me out and then invite me to pay the damn bill, too! Now, I NEVER hear from them because I had the audacity to get involved with a man who was not the same religion which is a sin, of course. My husband w/ALS died and although we were separated for years, I could not date or anything because I was not scripturally free to remarry or date unless one of us committed adultery.. he had a girlfriend, I might add…while we were married, but he could not perform sexually EVER and so everyone looked the other way! Since we could not have sex before marriage-against the Bible-I did not know he could not have sex until our wedding night and I had gone several years with no sex and now it’s been aanother 20 on top of that! So, basically I’ve been unable to have sex til I got remarried and I sinned by marrying outside my religion, he’s 13 years older and also not well, but treats me better than any man in my religion ever did. On top of all that, my son had to have the left and right frontal lobes of his brain removed at the age of 12 and he became another person completely and had seizures. Up until then, everyone loved him-he was a good little Christian boy but after losing half of his brain-he had no impulse control because that part of his brain was gone and he committed some crimes, was in bootcamp before he was 13. EVERYONE – EVEN IN OUR RELIGION- treated him like a criminal not someone who had a traumaic brain injury – he had a huge AVM (blood tumor-basically) that ruptured in his brain and caused blood clots in his brain. It is normally a fatal injury and symbolically speaking it was fatal for him, too. My son “died” that day and another was born. Well, my new son had no memory of his life before his surgery and yes it has been very difficult hanging in there through all the crap he has put us through, but he is still my son. My “friends” and the ELDERS in my religion said he was a waste and not desrving of any help – but I am sure if it had been their child, it would have been different. I almost went to jail over his surgery because I could not let him have any blood products – which the religion changes on about the way the wind blows nowadays! But being the good Christian I was I obeyed every command except throwing away my son. His dad did that when he was born. He never had anything to do with our kids and he is not with that religion anymore either. He is marrid to his girlfriend he had from a local bar in 1983 when our kids were babies. I am the one who got the divorce and screwed up when I remarried because I wanted to run the other way at the weddding, the only reason I didn’t was so my fiance would not be embarassed. I stayed married, like I said until I realized the abuse of my kids and that was then end of that marriage. I tried to kill myself after what I went thru with my son because I had a nervous breakdown. Because of my religion, I was chargd with child abuse,neglect, abandonment and would have been also charged with manslaughter if he had died. I lost custody-the state won custody. But everyone was so proud I had stood up for my religious beliefs but I just wanted to die! I was given back custody after the surgery and court-ordered blood transfusion which was never implemented ‘cos my son barely lost any blood which was a miracle considering his entire blood system had to be rerouted in his brain. Nobody considered my son’s personality change after the surgery and all our Christian family support went out the window because my son did not act like a Christian anymore. IN fact, we were-my kids and I were basically outcasts because we were not good enough as a family to be around anymore. This, despite the ones who marked us were alcoholics, abusers of their wives and kids, drug addicts, tax evaders, pedophiles, cheaters, etc. I knew a lot about them, but I kept my mouth shut, until now! My parents are both dead, which pretty much killed me too. I didn’t want to disappoint or embarass them, but I did anyway because nothing I ever did was ever good enough and I was “CRAZY” anyway. I lost count of how many times I was hospitalized and tried to kill myself. I could not cope with what my father-in-law did to me and how everyone looked the other way. People I grew up trusting and a religion that I was devoted to let me and my kids down over and over and over again ANd all the hypocrisy I knew about firsthand and was lied to about to my face when I had witnessed what others were doing. My father-in-law got away with rape and incest and he even did it to his 3 daughters who I just happened to look a lot like. He told me he loved me because I reminded him of his wife when they were young. My folks are gone and they are still alive and I wish it were the other way around. I almost pulled a “Susan Smith” taking my kids with me once in a nearly sucessful suicide attempt in which I was given a 2% chance of surviving. I woke up from a coma in ICU and was mad as hell to find out I was still alive and had to be sedated to keep from ripping the tubes out. Of course, then I was sent to the State Mental Hospital for awhile where they crammed people in like cockroaches and if you weren’t crazy when you went there, you sure as hell were when you got out! My son, by the way, was shuffled in and out of jail instead of being treated like most people with a brain injury who get treated by a DOCTOR in a frickin hospital but down South where we were in MS – a very poor state – nobody really gave a damn about him – they just passed judgement that he didn’t deserve any special treatment and he never got past the 6th grade because he could not stay awake at school where he was injured and the teacher they sent to our house screamed at him constantly and he was very sensitive to noise afterwards and she would not listen when I asked her to speak gently to him. It was all a bunch of crap.People pretending they cared-but only if we were perfect-which is impossible as imperfect as we are.
Anyway, I moved 1000 miles away – but your past follows you wherever you go. You cannot get away from yourself or your thoughts or memories and it is the middle of the night that I am writing this like I often do. Writing keeps me sane to a degree – I will never be 100% and I will be blind eventually and won’t be able to see to write anymore so I want to get it out now. I am mad at being sick both mentally and physically. I know it is not anyone’s fault because we are born into sickness and are in imperfect human bodies. I just think there is a limit we can all handle and I have reached my limit and then something else happens! But I am thankful for what I have left. I have several grandchildren and I have adopted people to be my family and I ask for forgiveness not just from God but from my kids for what all I have done wrong in my life that I had no control over really, but I should have just-well I really don’t know what I could’ve done differently because everyone thought I was nuts anyways; they didn’t believe me and thought they were hearing rantings of a crazy woman anyway! I don’t believe a religion though has the right to make decisions about us when they have no clue of what they are passing judgement on! They are not doctors. But, even the doctors don’t do much but give us pills to try out month after month, year after yearand so on. I need a pain pump, but because of my strokes, no doctor who is really a good doctor will operate on my spine because I will stroke out or be paralyzed and unable to communiicate which would be worse than death. In the state I live in, at least they offer help to the mentally ill and though I am only 48, I treated by the Senior Citizens DHS and get meals on wheels and can ride the handicapped bus, etc. I basically have contact with 3 people from where I moved. Everyone else wrote me off for one reason or another and I will never go back. I still have some relatives downthere that I miss who wanted me to get out of the so-called “cult” I was in. And I had always heard bad things about people in the North, but none of it was true. I live in a very small town and they don’t know my entire history, I think, but I found acceptance for being me and we are happier here than we ever were down South. I see drs, regularly and so does my family members I live with. Like I said – I have created a family out of people I love and love me whether we are related or not. These are not the rantings of a crazy person. I have a lot on my mind. Unfortunately, the RELIGION we were affiliated with successfully turnd my kids against God and the Bible, etc. That’s even more of a long story I won’t bore you with. I have some anger, I am sure you see, and although I haven’t been officially kicked out yet – if anyone who is in that religion reads this and figures out who I am – they will probably kick me out now for sure for posting this comment. But I need to say all of this desperately. I want to get past it but I am afraid this will follow me until I die. You might wonder why I even still care. I am not sure except that it is hard to let go of your core beliefs you’ve been raised with and I am not that young anymore and it isn’t easy completely starting over but we are taking it a day at a time. Thanks for letting me vent. I know there are a lot of holes in my story and I hope to write a book before I go blind completely or die – we’ll see.
I would just comment on comments above:
If you don’t want to be the support that “the bipolar person” needs, then leave. Who is keeping you there? If you are a supporter of an adult, you need to realize that this person who has bipolar disorder needs to be doing their part as well. If you’re stressing about taking care of ALL things for your loved one, and you are so angry, that will just make things worse for both of you. You don’t have to take care of all things. Adults need to stand on their own two feet, they may need help to get on their feet, but once there they need take responsibility for their own actions, meds, daily living, etc. No one says you have to do all of those things, you are going to get ill.
Lastly, I would like to say that I am a woman who is living with bipolar disorder.
After reading the posts I can see that my mania is far less severe that a lot of other people have to deal with. So, what works for me wouldn’t work for a lot of BP sufferers.
Supporters – please believe us when we say that we suffer too.
I have lived with my mother who is severely BP and my first husband who had mania even worse than my mother. I know what it’s like to live in horrible circumstances. Nothing I’ve ever tried to say to my mother or husband during episodes has ever worked. nothing I’ve tried to do has ever helped. Wish I had the answer.
DEar Dave,
When my daughter started exhibiting signs of a BP episode she did all the things you described, and I either ignored her behaviour, or if she was right in my face apologize for my “mistakes” I would agree with her and I would do what she wanted because maybe it would all go away.But NONE of my responses had any effect on my daughter nothing went away, she got progressively worse: and I became so stricken with grief and remorse and anger and frustration these combined to make any communcation with my daughter quite toxic.
Then after my daughter was hospitalized I began to search for other ways to be supportive , because the old ways weren’t helping AT ALL!!
I was desperate!!!
I came across your website and blog Dave and with the help and suggestions you made began to claw my way out of the despair and negative space I was in , and the first thing I did was stop blaming my daughter for the terrible disorder she was afflicted with. The second thing I did (and this took an enormous amount of self belief and courage because my family friends and even the doctors said she was maybe not going to make it) is begin to believe absolutely no hesitation, that my daughter would not only recover and stablize but she would rejoin the community and become a productive member of it. By simply taking on board that hope and belief( that my daughter would get better) – I became aware of my own levels of positivity rising from my boots where everything good and hopeful and positive had fled .
Yep I now have a stock of phrases for when Rachel has a down moment or day and wants to argue the toss :I say things like I have no idea what it is like for you – but I love you you are the most courageous person I know. If she does something that is not good, and wants to argue the toss,like not paying her rent then I respond by discussing how I am feeling- anxious , worried and afraid since I can’t pay her way as well as the boys and myself, that she needs to think of her actions. If she wants to draw me into a fight and confuse the issue ,I gently draw her mind back to the issue at hand and not involve myself in any slanging match, its about matching the current problem and the effects of that problem and getting ourselves into a win win position in order to solve it. This incident happened last night, suffice to say we sat down together and added up all the house outgoings and we came to a new agreement over the amount she would be able to pay.
Rachel has done the very hard yards fighting this horrible disease: Ive had to learn brand new ways of responding instaed of reacting so that I could become a good supporter.
I thank you for your help Dave
Regards
Shona
To Sharon:
Is the name-calling any better than what he’s doing? I think it’s outrageous for a so-called supporter to call the person they are supporting an “asshole.”
The person with bipolar disorder is only the center of the universe if you allow him to be, or if you make it that way.
There’s no excuse for name-calling. Go to therapy and vent your frustrations. Use some of the effective coping techniques many people with bipolar disorder use to deal with your feelings.
This illness affects everyone close to the person with bipolar disorder. That doesn’t mean it’s helpful to assume the role of a victim.
If you don’t like how a person close to you with bipolar disorder is acting, don’t enable him. See if things change.
This is the Furball. Something happened at camp where they didn’t warn me that there was this new independant rule where sighted guide wasn’t an option unless I was lucky. Then they sometimes assumed that I somehow just knew where to go. The director made the mistake of saying the word appropriate! I already didn’t like that word since staff members say it and stuff. I screamed, “APPROPRIATE?!” She didn’t get it. She thought I could somehow stop my attitude then she HAD to say the word again. It got past screamed words to where I swung my cane at her and I was making a scream sound not in word-form. I never liked social rule stuff since people don’t accept autistic stimming or other behavior I have. It’s not good for others to think I can just somehow “””drop it””” when they don’t know that in my reality it is something that just can’t be dropped. (The drop it saying was from another thing that I don’t like or the stop crying saying when I like being sad. I get mad when they think I somehow want to cheer up!) Later on I offered to hug her. She let me know that she was sick so I didn’t. Camp ended up good.
I also don’t like things being against bipolar when I’m glad to even be lucky enough to have it.
Family Member:
I commend you for being honest. Based on the posts of yours that I have read, though, your feelings are no secret. I have only been reading for a few months, but you could not have made the truth about your loved one clearer if you spraypainted “self-centered asshole” on my garage door.
I’m sad for you, Family Member. It is torment to be at the mercy of another person whom you believe is the cause of your misery.
I have bipolar disorder, and, in the past, I have also unknowingly made my own “hell,” by waiting for someone other than myself to change, waiting for them to do what I wanted them to do, so that I could be happy.
I have bipolar disorder. You are in this state of torment…resenting the fact that you can’t force the person you support to make you happy.
Right now, you have a much bigger problem than I do. People who have an illness are not necessarily miserable. People who believe others can make them happy very often are.
I hope that not another moment goes by before you realize a person with bipolar disorder doesn’t control your life, nor are they responsible for your health and happiness.
How much energy do you have left over for taking care of yourself, Family Member, after you volunteer to pour so much of it into resenting and trying to manage the behavior a person with bipolar disorder?
I hope you give it back to yourself. Neither a supporter or a person with bipolar disorder can possibly be reaching their potential this way.
Stay well,
Jane
Wow is all I can say, to Sharon and the lady who was pleased about what you said I have only one thing to say. You both need to get out of the relationships and get therapy!
Well I am really grateful to have found this website and thank Dave for it! All of the responses above have really touched my heart. I am 37 years old and have been with my SO since I was 19 years old. We have 3 children together ages 2, 6, and 14 years old. My SO was diagnosed with Bipolar 4 years ago when we split up for a year and refuses to believe it and is thus unmedicated.
The past 2 1/2 years since my son was born have been the most horrible years to date. Bipolar is such a really hard illness to live with. It is so hard to be strong and “sane” all of the time. I am a person who hates conflict so naturally would get quiet and try to do what I could to diffuse my SOs endless anger.
I got post partum depression right after my son was born and became suicidal. This made everything 100% worse because I struggle to get myself well and grounded again and find it so much harder to stay “sane” and not let my emotions get the best of me. My SO’s interactions with me are horrible. He told me the other day that I should kill myself so that he and our children could be happy and get the insurance money. He does and says really hateful and mean things every day (literally) and has told me that he is going to make me miserable so that I leave. He blames me for his life not being the way he wants it to be. He says that I don’t make him happy and says I don’t put any effort into our relationship. I told him that he uses me as an escape goat and takes everything that bothers him out on me. We can’t even have a conversation without him getting furious and starting to criticize me. He told me that when he looks at me he wants to hurt me and that he can’t stand even being around me.
I truly love this man even though he does not believe I do when I tell him. He says that if I really did I would have made the changes he told me I needed to make in order to make him happy. He tells me that I don’t listen to him and have no respect for him which is just not true. He blames me for the health problems he has and for pretty much everything.
He is so aggressive, hateful, and has told me he wants a “new life”. I know that I have been an enabler to him and realize I have created more harm than good. I want to change things for the better for all of us but I don’t know how. I have been with him so long and we have some very bad patterns. He has abused me in all forms, cheated and lied to me, and has been very controlling. I have not been a saint either – right before our split I cheated on him and lied to him and was very angry and bad-mouthed him. Aside from that period I have always been loyal, faithful, and tried to be a good partner to him no matter what he did to me.
He seems so miserable and I don’t know how to help. What do you do to help someone you love who is bipolar who seems bent on rejecting your support? Should I back off and just “live my life” and be loving and welcoming towards him if he comes to me? I am a sensitive non-violent person and the aggression and anger he displays really scares me sometimes.
I would really appreciate any advise from those with bipolar or supporters on what approach may help my family. My SO and my kids mean the world to me and I just can’t let everything fall apart without trying whatever I can. Please email me at jeanh37@ymail.com. It would be greatly appreciated! Thanks! :o) Jean
My partner has been in the depressed episode now for over 3 years. We have been on suicide alert 4 times. He has no motivation and a feeling of complete sadness. His main struggle is ‘when will this episode end’. No one can answer this. Has anyone out there had continuous years of depressed episode?
I find it draining but we do cope. I read everything I can on the subject and we discuss it very openly. (The high was far harder than the low but far easier to control.)