Hi,
How’s it going? Yesterday I sent an email
about how he a positive attitude makes
all the difference when supporting someone
with bipolar disorder.
I got some emails from people saying that
I am contradicting myself.
About what? Well they are saying that on
the one hand I say that you shouldn’t be
negative towards someone with bipolar
disorder. They (the people who wrote me),
said that I say: You shouldn’t say the person
can’t be successful, is child like,
needs constant monitoring, is a pain,
is a major problem.
And they say (the people writing me) that
I also say that you should have a positive
attitude and hope for the best but plan
for the worst.
So they are basically saying that on
the one hand I say “Don’t be negative
towards people with bipolar disorder.”
But they are saying on the other hand
I say, “Plan for the worst” which is
negative.
Let me try to clarify how I think about
this. It’s true. I think that you should
have a positive attitude when you are
dealing with bipolar disorder. Whether
you have the disorder yourself or you
are supporting someone with bipolar disorder.
However you have to have a realistic
attitude as well. You have to realize
that bipolar disorder is a mood disorder
or mental illness that affects the
way someone thinks and his/her moods.
I don’t think that I am contradicting
myself when I say that you need a positive
attitude BUT at the same time you have to
plan for the worst.
Let me try to give an example of how
I think people should NOT be.
You should be a caregiver or supporter
of someone with bipolar disorder and walk
around and say things like:
-my life sucks because I support someone with
bipolar disorder
-my loved one is such a pain in the neck
-I hate being a caregiver
-Why me? Why did I have to have a loved
one with bipolar disorder
-I can’t stand them
-I hate my life
-They are a liar
-I hate the position that I am in
These are all examples of someone with
a poor attitude. They are actually real things
that have been said to me over 2 years of
volunteering in 3 different places in
New Jersey.
So that’s an example of being negative.
But you can be positive and at the same
time realistic and plan for the worst.
For example:
-I love my loved one BUT I have to plan
if he/she goes into an episode
-Being a caregiver is tough BUT I’ll get
through it because I am tough myself and
I have a lot of resources at my disposal
-We don’t have a lot of money now because
systems weren’t setup and my loved one
wasn’t getting the right treatment BUT now
we have the systems in place, and I am working
to improve my c.redit score and also s.tart
a b.usiness on the side to make extra money.
-We can’t go to late night parties because of
my loved one. BUT we can do lots of things in
the day.
-My loved one has a mental illness that is
very serious. BUT it could be worse, my loved
one could have a deadly fatal illness with no
cure like certain cancers. (REREAD THIS 25 times
because it’s true. Bipolar Disorder is not
as bad as many illnesses people get these
days.)
See what I mean? Look at those statements.
So I would just like to repeat, I am not
contradicting myself. You have to have a positive
attitude but at the same time plan for the
worst. Nothing contradictory about that.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Well I have to take off for the day. I have
to wait for the phone person to fix my
phone so I finally can have a new phone in
my new place that I am moving into.
Hey someone wrote me that I need to buy
a course on how to move because it’s taking
me too long. That person is right. I should
have but I don’t know where to buy it :).
If you sell one forward me a website address 🙂
See you tomorrow.
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
I agree with you totally Dave. The positive impact that family members and friends have on persons’ who are bipolar is a given. Being that I, and my son, are both bipolar we sometimes feed off each other. My Mother didn’t want to believe that I was bipolar. She said that doctors’ put a label on everyone. She finally came to the realiztion that I am bipolar, and that my son is too. She has friends whose family members are bipolar, and she tells me that I cope a whole lot better than them. Well, my son and I have a very good psychotherapist that we see. My son suffered a very traumatic event in his life. I had to deal with the trauma he was going through and keep myself so called “sane” at the same time. In my opinion, those who can not deal with a family member who is bipolar, need to step back and look at matters in a different light. You have to educate yourself on the disease and can’t go in blindfolded. If one doesn’t understand the ups and downs the person with bipolar disease suffer from, they will never be able to help them. This is only my opinion. I had a friend who is bipolar, we no longer speak. We had a good relationship for 7 years and then it turned unhealthy. I hope and pray that everyone that is bipolar can work their way through their illness and always take their medication. I hope and pray that the caretakers will be understanding, and I am sure that it is very hard. I know because I am there myself.
Right on Dave. I think alot of those thing all the time, but to say them aloud would defeat my role as a loving supporter and parent. I tell my self that God would not have given me this responsibility if He didn’t think I could handle it. I try to encourage my child to be a productive member of society Not to use her bipolar disease as a crutch to lay down and give up living life. I let her know of my failures,so that when she does fail at something, it is not so huge. And only because of bipolar. On the other hand, I have to be realistic and understand that she may never be able to hold a job for any length of time. She is omly 15 now,and some days are a nightmare. My 14 year old wants to move out all the time. She loves her sister,but hates the behavior. Some days I am thhe negotiator between them. So yes! do your best, have an open mind, with love and compassion, but prepare for reallity. Thanks Dave, Sincerely, Charmaine
I agree Dave. My daughter is supporting her teenage boyfriend through the first 8 months of diagnosis and it’s hard. People tell her to “run away now” because they feel like she shouldn’t have to deal with this for a boyfriend. She’s very strong, and has been able to weed through the name calling from the boyfriend (in episodes), simple lies, and general outbreaks at his parents/sibling. She’s his support system right now, because this young man feels like it’s him against his family at times. His family is working to get him the best meds and treatment possible, but as you state, it takes time. This young man is an athlete too, so idle time is his enemy and often gets him in trouble (maybe something you need to blog about – keeping them busy?). Keep up the good work as I haven’t been able to consider ordering your program, but the blogs keep me positive in supporting my daughter, who is a positive supporter of her boyfriend. People do make fun of the mentally challenged, and it’s worse when it’s a teenager. We plan to be positive and expect to have to deal with minor and major bumps in the road.
your statement: -My loved one has a mental illness that is very serious. BUT it could be worse, my loved one could have a deadly fatal
illness with no cure like certain
cancers. (REREAD THIS 25 times
because it’s true. Bipolar Disorder is not as bad as many
illnesses people get these days.
Thanks- I need to read it often!!!
Hi David!!! First of all, let me tell you that I love your daily e-mails!!! I’ve learned a lot and it has actually helped me out a bunch!!!
Hi David!!! First of all let me tell you that I really love your daily e-mail!!! It has helped me out a bunch and I’ve learned a lot!!!
I’d love to live in New Jersey, or wherever you live just to make sure you are one of my best friends!!! 😉
I’m a supporter (or try to be one at least) I met my husband almost 2 years ago, he has bipolar disorder -maniac-depressive / rapid or ultra rapid cycle-.
We’ve got married on February this year and now we’ve been separated for 1 month… Dave, I didn’t married to get separated.. He takes lithium, 5 pills a day. I do love him, and his medication is doing ok, he went into a mini episode (just before we got separated) but he’s stable on bipolar things now… We were both going to a great therapist due to his behavior, now, I’m going on my own… He’s not going anymore..
I’ve told him many times, I can handle and deal and cope with bipolar, but with spoiled (in a bad way), tantrum / brat behavior, I cannot.. I mean.. He has bipolar, but he’s also spoiled and brat, and VERY agressive lately.. It’s a really dangerous combination, that’s exactly why we are not together now… and that was also the basic reason that we were going to therapy together… He has changed, but he hasn’t changed as much as he needs.. Bipolar doesn’t exempts people to do and/or say whatever they want, hurting people, specially those who really want them to be ok… They (bipolars) can make a difference between spoil behavior and a bipolar crisis/episode, HE can do that, he perfectly knows when it is bipolar, and when it is just a brat reaction, as he has told me, when he beat/struck to me, it was merly a tantrum coming from an agressor… That’s why he left 1 month ago…
I think that most of the problems can be handle if just people / supporters / family members understand that they (people with a mental illness) should learn limits since they are just kids, or whenever they’ve been dignosed… Most of them, don’t do this because “poor he/she has bipolar, he/she doesn’t know…” Which is NOT true… They can notice it, they are always “conscious” of everything they do and say… And ANYTHING give ’em the right to hurt so deeply..
It’s really weird, he’s rapid cyle, but this doesn’t have anything to do with his behavior.. I’ve been thinking that he could have a combination of mental problems.. It is supposed that bipolar disorder is “detected” by an MRA or a test like this… In his particular case, this tests hasn’t shown anything… But he has been diagnosed a long time ago anyway…
I know you aren’t a doctor, lawyer, financial advisor, nor anything like that, but I need your expertise helping me find any idea of where should I look, study and learn about… I mean, he has bipolar, and as far as I could have learned, study and analyzed by myself, most of this illnesses never come alone.. He actually has AD (attention deficit) also, and I think he could has something else…
It’s really weird, but he loves me a lot and he says that to me, but just 5 minutes later it’s like he hates me.. I’ve told him this, and he says he doesn’t hate me, he says it’s just in my mind… Trust me, he is not in the middle of an episode… But he’s always looking for excuses, and other “guilty” people instead of HE been responsible for what he does or says… He always start a project or job or study or something, and he simply cannot finish it, it will never reach his goals and expectations… I mean, he quit jobs, College, and now our marriage… I don’t know what to think or don’t even know what/how to feel… He has hurt me a lot, and deeply… But I really want him to be ok and to be happy, and it looks like not even God can helped him so far… My personal e-mail is mrbonillacr2@yahoo.com
He was about to run a family business, but, due to 1 of his tantrums on his brother’s birthday last week, his parents said “no”…
So now, he is been visited by his kids, they don’t live with him. They live in the US with their mother, but they are here in Costa Rica just visiting. He is now living with his parents (due to his kids visit) but once they leave, he also needs to leave his parents place, he has no job, and has his “best friend” who is a k9 police officer and has guns and all that stuff at his place.. He actually gave him (he gave to my husband) a knife for his last birthday. He says it is just a blade, but I can tell it’s not… it actually looks like one of those that thieves use in their robberies… So, what a friend uh…
Anyway, when his kids go back to US, I know he (my husband) will doesn’t have any job, money nor anything like that.. I know he will want to come back later on with me, feeling so lonely, but unless he demonstrate a real change, and unless he gets back into a therapy, I’m not going to put myself in risk… But I really want him to be ok, and happy!!! I’m worry about it, and I know that ain’t my responsibility… But I do love him so much… As I said before, I can deal with bipolar, but sometimes it seems like if he has other personality, and I’m not sure if I can cope with both things… Please let me find an answer, I need to look forward.. I’ve thought he was missdiagnosed, but not sure, since I’m not a doctor, lawyer, financial advisor nor anything like that either… LOL…
No, I’m serious… Please help me find a guidance, or a hint on what to look for… What should I ask for, in order to help him!!!
Thanks a lot in advance…
P.S. I haven’t bought your material yet (due to $ and bounderies reasons), but I always read what you have to say, and try to investigate all I can by myself also…