Hi,
How’s it going? It’s 6:47am Monday July 19, 2007 and
I am writing you this email about something really
important.
I was thinking of this concept because of
my move that has not gone to well. If
you are new to my list, I have been moving
over the last week or so and it’s been
kind of a disaster.
I wrote an email the other day about how
I had incorrect expectations about how the
move would be easy and when I changed my
expectations I was less frustrated.
I indicated this is the same thing
with bipolar disorder.
Many people expect that medication will
work right away, coping strategies
will work instantly, doctors will be falling
over themselves to help you or your loved
one with bipolar disorder, money will not
be an issue, things will fix themselves
right away. If you don’t know this already,
everything that I wrote is really the opposite
with bipolar disorder.
I wrote this the other day. But today I want
to talk about another very important
concept–attitude. It makes all the difference.
I notice that many bipolar supporters and caregivers
have horrible attitudes. I can understand why. If
you have been beaten down by a loved one’s bipolar
disorder for a long time, you may become: negative,
cynical, doubtful, skeptical, angry, hateful, resentful,
etc.
But here’s the deal. The worst your attitude becomes
the more difficult it is to deal with a loved one’s
bipolar disorder.
I can say this because I use to have a bad attitude
with my mom’s bipolar disorder. I was everything I
just described and more.
But these days, I have a better attitude. My attitude
can be summed up with the following statement
I hope for the best but plan for the worst.
This concept has served me very well with bipolar
disorder.
Let’s take a look at it. What does it mean to hope
for the best. Well that means I hope my mom does
great, never goest into another episode, her
bipolar disorder is nonexistent, it creates
no problems at all.
But I plan that she will go into an episode, her
doctor may retire, her medications could stop
working, she may refuse to go into the hospital,
etc. I have a plan for the WORST case senarios.
Some call me negative but this way works for
me and many other people. The alternative to
this is to hope for the best and plan for
the best things to happen.
My dad kind of operated like this. He always
imagined that everything would just work out
like magic. I don’t know why but that’s how
he handled it. And it NEVER did.
I speak to a ton of bipolar supporters and
many do the same exact thing. I use to preach
a warning sermon to them all but now I just
let it go. I tell them how I think and just
a simple warning how if you don’t think this
way. But I will tell you, if you don’t think
the way I do, I think it’s kind of be
really hard to be a supporter.
Why? Well because bipolar disorder is tricky.
It’s like a cunning master con artist. It’s not
your loved one who is the manipulator it’s his/her
disorder. And if you imagine a person that is a master
con artist, would you think everything would work
out just right?
Also if you HAD to deal with a master con artist,
what kind of attitude would you have? You would
have to have one of acceptance and one of trying
to prevent the person from getting over on you.
In my head, call me crazy, but I think of
everything this way. There is my mom and there
is my mom’s bipolar disorder. It’s her bipolar
disorder that’s the problem not her. It’s (bipolar
disorder) the enemy
and that’s what I focus on. I know it’s a slick
formidable enenmy that I have to stay on top
of.
Does that make sense? Some might read this and
think I am out of my mind. I have lost it. Maybe moving
has made me finally lose it 🙂 LOL.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Reread my email a few times. It does make sense. I am
not telling you what to do but consider what your attidue
is and how you handle being a supporter.
I have to run now. Have a good day. Catch you tomorrow.
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
Hi David,
I hope you are well?
I would just like to thank you for your daily emails – you have no idea how much they help me. My mom was diagnosed with Bipolar two weeks ago and it has been one uphill battle. I just want her to be normal again.
Thanks again for your emails – I appreciate them.
Kind regards
Lindsey Stokes
South Africa
Wow Dave, this e-mail makes total sense to me being a supporter I find the more I learn about bipolar the most I can help my loved one whom has it and many things you have shared with us have been quite helpful….. Thanks for sharing may God continue to Bless you as you help others….. Karla
Hi David,
My daughter was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 6 weeks ago. She went into a major manic episode before her doctor and husband became convinced that she was not just depressed and truly was bipolar. Since then emotions are running high for all involved in her care and it has been very difficult to get her somewhat stabilized. And she still is having 2-3 days a week that she experiences manic episodes alternating with depressive episodes, in the same day. What an eye opener for me. Her husbands insurance does not cover the type of treatment that she needs and the state funded mental health center is a joke. I agree that attitude is very important to the process of dealing with a loved on who is bipolar, it is very easy to escalate an episode of rage or mania with the wrong response to her mood and it is sometimes difficult, especially for her husband, to discount some of the things that come out of her mouth during one of these episodes.
Thanks for your input, I will continue to read them and to share with her husband. Some days it seems as though we will never have our beautiful, energetic, smiling and loving daughter, wife and mother of two back but I know we must perservere and continue to find answers for her treatment.
Dear Mr. Oliver,I too want to thank you. 1991 I was told I was a manic,I never went back,I knew I wasn’t,come to find out later PDSD was it. What a trip,I’ve never taken LSD but I think I can tell ya what it’s like after going through many doctors. I bought one of your courses which I think could help anyone period. For 5 years I run a home took people off the streets,even children, what an eye opener to reality about mental illness. The last young woman I took in we came so close to getting her stable and the right medical treatment,she had to go to jail for something stupid for 30 days. I begged the Sheriff please DO NOT take her off her meds., she didn’t get any meds. for 5 days and then not the ones she was on already. She was out of jail for less then 2 weeks,she left me a note she had written before she ended her life.I’ve never in my life heard a man cry so deep when her boyfriend called me to let me know. DAVID PLEASE DO NOT stop with what you’re doing even if it saves just one life. I’m a woman who hates to cry but reading alot of your information broke me,it can help so many if they would listen to what you’re saying. I’m a praying woman, so you guys are on my list now big time. I believe I read in the Bible where it says my people perish for lack of knowledge. WAKE UP people whether you believe in God or not mental illness is real so I hope someone is reading this because the knowledge you gain from David is passed to us, now it’s up to us to use it or we will continue to see people perish that could have been helped. I know I’ve walked the road with many who are no longer alive, I only wish I would have found out about all this information before theirs ended. I sincerely thank you for all for your time,Faith Sexton P.S. I’ve never been a huggie woman, but through all this it changed me, so if I ever meet you David and all your emplyees,as we say in the south I’ll slap one on ya!!! PLEASE continue with the work ,oh yea the ones who write in bull—-,back off,(I know how to ride a bull)hey wait a minute they just might need one of those hugs! Hope all of you have a beautiful day,Faith in Florida
Hi David:
Long time listener, first time caller here.
Twenty-six years ago, my wife was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. That’s the good news.
Eighteen years ago, the bi-polar advanced to schizo-affective disorder. That’s the not so good news.
Don’t mean to go off on a tangent here, but my research though those years has determined that the term “disorder”, no doubt originated in the medical community, hardly describes the reality of either. Sort of like the surgeon telling patients that the kidney removal will cause some “discomfort”. But more on that at another time.
At any rate, I am just plain tired, and I’m just plain used to it. Depression is just anger, without the enthusiasm, you know?
Composing this post has provided an interesting feeling……..a positive feeling. Although, I must admit that after re-reading it, it is really totally meaningless. Be that as it may, have a great day, and good luck to you and all the other supporters.
David, I just want to thank you and the other bloggers for giving me the encouragement to move forward today and to help me to know that I am not alone in caring for a loved one who is bipolar. I have at times become very negative and my thinking towards my mom very derogatory and it doesnt help.Sometimes I sink into a self pity so consuming and corroding that I end up affecting all my loved ones. But, I have found that faith that all things happen for a reason and that reason for me is to grow closer to God and stronger in faith! It is a discipline everyday to see into myself, where I have been wrong and what I can change about my attitudes and actions. Keep writing! Alane
Hello David,
Thank you for the courses and the insight.
Unfortunately, before I started learning more about the disorder (my husband is not diagnosed, but what I have learned helps make sense of the past 7 years) I made my husband move out because I could not live with the anger and could not keep up with the energy bursts–
He moved out in December, saw me off and on through March, started seeing someone (not sure about details), stopped calling or returning calls, and has told me three times that he has papers ready for me to sign but has not sent them.
I do not want divorce, I love this man but not the ups and downs and anger…I am leaving him alone and have not asked for the papers. Any suggestions would be appreciated. He knows that I want to work on the marriage, but don’t know if he can forgive being told to leave.
thanks,
Blessed
It takes a special kind of person to support someone with bioplar disorder. A positive attitude can make the difference between feeling like you are sinking or feeling like you are swimming.
There is nowhere else that I have found such reasonable, sensible and optimisitic advice on supporting someone with bipolar.
You may not have a choice about bipolar, but you have a choice on how to feel about it and how to respond to it.
Thank you, David Oliver!
Hello David, How are you doing today hope you are fine, i would like to thanks you for your daily mails that you usually used to send to me, Once more that for that, i do like to met you in person and i am Ibrahim by name.Do contact me with this number +2348068131277.Thanks i look for to hearing from you.
If you dont know me I am a 50 year old grandma raising my 11 year old grandson, who has been diagnosed 5 years ago as bipolar, spilt personality, ocd, odd ,add,adhd and hyper , to put it mildly ,we all were living in hell ,we just didnt really understand until this child broke 4 of my ribs because he wanted oatmeal .WE have tried so many different drugs ,I now have the distonic and alergic to lists . I hadnt even heard of distonic reaction until my kid has lockjaw and we are in the e.r. There is not a set of rules or instructions so you will have some idea of how to deal with this person ,but having someone who listens and shares what they can when they can makes a really big difference.take care I wil be LISTENING!!!!
Hi David, I wish I could tell you I was having a good day but thats no the case. My Husband has not been working for a week due to a bipolar episode. He’s just laid in bed and today we got into a shouting match and he called me a cow,whore,slut,bitch and told me he hated me. I can tell you this if I had a place to go I would go. He even ignore our little dog Benjamin who is our baby. I’m not blameless either. I suffer from bipolar disorder,social anxiety disorder,panic disorder ans severe depressive disorder,only differance is I’m more stable right now,but I feel like I’m going downhill fast and think about suicide. Jesus is the only one stopping me from that and my deep Christian beliefs. I know you don’t have all the answers and I read your letters now every day and they do help, but sometimes I think I need a miracle in my life. Thank you for being there for me. Debra
You just said the exact same thing that my child’s therapist said – take one day at a time. You can only hope for the best. I find my attitude is much better this way – just being happy that things are happy right now.
Hi Dave, Thank you for your relentless support for caregivers and supporters of those with bipolar disorder. Your energy in helping others is so appreciated. Kind regards, Jan Clark, New Zealand
HI David,
Thank you very much for the tips and support i am receiving from your mail for 11/2 years now.I am a supporter for 7 years but i think i have failed because i left him a week ago for a break.I dont know when i am going back or not.I love him very much.
Keep up the good work,Dave
Kind regards
Concepcion Tarlac