Hi,
How’s it going? I have to make this kind of
short today because I have an 8:30am appointment
and it’s 7:45am already.
Today I wanted to talk briefly about a concept
I cover in my courses/systems called “The
Bipolar Emergency” and how I deal with
it.
Here’s the situation. With bipolar disorder,
it’s a mood disorder. So it affects people’s
moods. I know that. I see it live and in
action with a) my mom b) all the people
who work with me who have bipolar disorder
and c) people who I know with bipolar disorder.
It’s a tough thing to deal with sometimes. But,
if I look in the case of working with people with
bipolar disorder, I have found the few times
there are situations and mini episodes are minor
in comparison to the great job they do on the
other hand. BUT, keep in mind, the people who
work for me, have gone through a multi step
screening process so I must admit, the are
the best of the best.
Anyway, I was thinking yesterday of how
I use to get so mad about the bipolar
emergency that would happen all the
time to myself and my family.
What’s a bipolar emergency you might be
wondering.
Well it’s one of two things. The one that
is super annoying is when something
that is NOT and I repeat NOT important
or an emergency is made to seem as it
is.
The second bipolar emergency is the one that
IS important or an emergency.
Let me explain so you don’t think that
I am crazy.
As a side note, I had to tell Jen who
doesn’t have a mental illness that she
has to be perfect for the rest of her
life working with me because if she
does anything wrong, people will think
she is crazy like they write me and tell
me when I make a mistake, have a typo,
etc.
She laughed.
Anyway, let me use an example with my
mom. My mom, when she wasn’t in the right
treatment and wasn’t stable would call
me about something that was an emergency,
crisis or major problem.
If I didn’t respond, I would get 25 phone
calls that compelled me to respond. When I
found out what it was, the problem didn’t
seem like an emergency to me but to her
it was. She demanded that I take action
of some kind. Generally it was doing
something like paying a bill, calling
someone or going somewhere.
EVERY single time, it was a MAJOR and I mean
MAJOR burden on me. The simplest things
turned into emergency that required all
my help.
It use to drive me crazy. Right after I got
out of college 1999 through let’s say
2005 there were so many bipolar
emergencies it was ridiculous.
BUT, then on the other hand, there was
one real bipolar emergency which was
when my mom cut her foot in the kitchen
and had to be taken to the hospital.
Other than that, every other bipolar
emergency wasn’t an emergency. What happen
was that we were always running around
doing things for my mom, putting out
fires, fixing things, spending money
to fix problems year after year.
My dad said he had done it for decades.
When I told him I was going to write this
to you today, he told me all these stories
how he had to seriously walk in snow to
get to a certain place to do something
for mom OR how he had to skip work,
cancel business meetings, turn down
deals for work, etc. because of all
these emergencies.
When I stepped in with my new system
that I speak about in my material, I cut
all of this out.
I told my mom, she had to fix her own problems
and take personal responsibility for thing
things
I also stopped urgently returning non emergency
phone calls right away. I finally figured out
the reason my mom did this to me when she
was in an episode was because it worked.
If you call me a 25 times to get me to
run around with my head cut off to fix
a problem of your own, and I do fix
the problem, then next time, you
do the same thing because the strategy
has been proven to work.
There was one time, that I got so mad at
myself. It was this year. My mom had a
bad day early this year. And she found
out that her current insurance was not
going to be working with this major
hospital. So the insurance expert person
recommended we change to another health
insurance carrier and all would be
perfect with her bipolar disorder.
He then sent her 3 options on which ones
to choice and that was fine. She made a
choice and then my dad and I made a choice
and we all agreed on the same plan.
Then we had weeks to get the paperwork in.
So my mom who is excellent at filling out
paperwork, a gene I certainly didn’t get.
SIDE NOTE: My mom can be in a major episode
and fill out paperwork perfectly. I have no
idea why. And she can edit perfectly in an
episode as well. I can’t do either when I am
not in an episode and I don’t have bipolar
disorder. Hmmm? If you are a researcher on
my list, research that and let me know what
you come up with 🙂
Anyway back to the health insurance and
bipolar disorder story. After we agreed
on the plan, my mom filled out the paperwork
in one day.
Then she wanted me to sign it. I couldn’t
because I had things to do and wasn’t around
I told her I would come by to sign it at the
end of the week. It was the beginning of the
week. We had like 3 weeks to get it in.
Here’s where the bipolar emergency started. My mom
then called me at least 10 times in one day to
fill it out. She then told me how it had to be sent
in in three days. That was the deadline. She then
cast total doom on the situation saying if
it wasn’t in, like 17 bad things would happen
and then getting health insurance at the current
rate would be impossible.
She put all these negative things in my head
through voicemails and phone calls. I was
super annoyed. I called my dad and asked if
he knew the deal. He said no but he said
it didn’t make any sense that we went from
three weeks to three days. Of course he asked
me to deal with my mom.
YES for all you therapists on the list, I am totally
aware that this is not right and my dad shouldn’t
be putting this stuff on my. But that’s another
problem for another day and when you are running
4 businesses you have to prioritize. I say
this because I know I will get at least 100 comments
from therapists on my list, telling me about how
that’s not right with my dad
and pointing out how we need to all go to therapy
together :).
Okay back to the story, I couldn’t call the insurance
expert person because he was out of town. My mom
claimed she spoke to him right before he left
and he gave her this “new” information.
She then left message saying they (my parents)
were not going to have health insurance and
that I didn’t care about them.
I was so confused and so tired of getting all
these phone calls, my mom finally broke
my will and I drove from a meeting really
fast to her house to sign all the stuff.
I didn’t let it go there
After a few days of getting caught up with
work, I did a careful investigation and
found that:
a) there we no emergency
b) we had weeks to get the paperwork in
c) there was no rush
d) my parents were not in danger of never having
health insurance again
e) The rates were not going to go up if
we got the paperwork in after three days.
I was super mad. But at who? Me not my
mom. I let my mom create another fake bipolar
emergency. I also was pressured into signing
papers I didn’t let go through my normal
policy of allowing at least a week to
go by to catch anything bad that will work
against me.
I can tell you over the years, my family
mad so many bad mistakes because of the
rush of coming to a decision. For some
reason, major decisions always went along
with my mom being in an episode and her
bipolar disorder caused her to not think
correctly. My dad would just go along
with her to get along and every time
it produced a disaster.
My parents are still paying for the disastrous
decisions years and decades ago today. It’s
sad.
I write this to you the support and the person
with bipolar disorder to not let this happen
to you.
I am NOT saying that you ignore all of what
your loved one might tell you. There may be
real emergencies with bipolar disorder but
I have personally found that 98% of the
time, the thing my mom thinks is an emergency
is not.
At this point with me, and this is for me
only, and don’t bother writing that what
I am not about to say would not work on you
if you have bipolar disorder, I do NOT
respond to the vast majority of things
my mom calls emergencies.
That has worked great for me. I know that
I will get flooded with hate mail saying
I am mean, evil, a bad person, God hates
me, on and on and on because I told you
this. Nobody tells you this kind of thing.
Look at all the books out there. You never
see this kind of stuff.
BUT you need to know it.
Since I changed my policy and so has my dad,
my mom solves her own problems and there are
far less bipolar emergencies. And anytime
my mom has a serious problem she knows
she has to sell me on it. And she knows
if it’s a problem she could handle herself
and she involves me, I will be mad and then
the chance of me listening the next time is
close to zero.
So she doesn’t abuse me. It works for me. I know
that I will hear from people with bipolar
disorder how this is just so mean but it works
for supporters. I am not saying it’s going to
work for everyone.
WHAT’S MY MOM SAY ABOUT THIS?
She told me that she feels better about herself
that she can fix her own problems, she is
says she is sorry over the years she pressured
us into bad decisions and she says she is happy
that I don’t do everything for her. She told
me she wants to fix her own problems and
not be a burden.
So she is okay with it. This is a strategy
that I cover a length in my courses/systems.
And if you have bipolar disorder and you are
reading this and saying, “I don’t want to
do this to my family, what can I do?” You can
take a look at my course/system for those
with bipolar disorder.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com/
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net/
Have a great day.
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com/
Dave,
You are right on the money with the information you gave about “The Bipolar Emergency!” Not only am I supporting a 31 year old divorced daughter with bipolar but I’m also a retired licensed clinical social worker. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve responded to my daughter’s “emergencies.” I’ve cancelled meetings, doctor appointments, and other important or fun activities to rush by her side. Just yesterday she called saying she felt as if she was going to pass out and needed someone there to keep her one year old child safe. Instead of canceling my activities for the day, I drove my elderly mother to stay with her. I called my mother shortly after I dropped her off and she said that my daughter was just fine…happy and playing with her son. I couldn’t believe it! I fell for it again! My daughter used the safety of her son to get someone to come to her apartment because she was probably lonely….that’s all it was about. I told my daughter the story about crying wolf. There may be a time when she really needs my help but I don’t know if I’ll respond. I’ve ruined so many good days responding to these emergencies! And another thing, my daughter doesn’t stop at a simple call for help…if I don’t respond to her “emergencies” I get phone message after phone message and the messages get more and more rageful, nasty and abusive. Then, the next day my daughter calls and it’s like nothing ever happened. So, there’s how valid the emergency was. You’re right Dave, I didn’t learn about these “emergencies” in my Master’s program. And, so many professionals are unaware of the profound nuisances associated with bipolar illness. In fact, too many of the professionals I worked with were too strict, and therefore limited, in properly diagnosing bipolar because they didn’t or couldn’t deviate from the criteria listed in the DSM. This is not good because bipolar illness can be quite complicated and the criteria in the DSM should only be considered as a guideline. Keep up the good work Dave!
Dave,
I’m supporting my girlfriend. She was recently diagnosed with bi-polar. She was involuntarily hospitalized. She has since been released after 21 days.
Dave, my thoughts are this: How do I treat her? I don’t want to act like there is something wrong with her. She is special that’s all. Who is to say I’m not the one with the problem? Yet here I am, giving her my “hack” opinions (I’m not a DR) and telling her to take her meds. I even work myself into a semi-frenzy when she skips her meds. She says I don’t know her body and the meds are making her sick. My point is, I’m not one to give advice on this and she has latched on to me as some sort of know-it-all guru who knows everything. That’s not me. I want her to be well but I don’t want to think that there’s nothing wrong with me and it’s her. Do you understand my meaning?
The b-p emergency sounds very familiar to me. It is me! I’ve been diagnosed for 6yrs. I barely can work. I am a “rapid” cycler. I started doing self talk. I don’t define myself as Bi-polar first and val second. Obsessive behavior is a constant with me. But I am checking myself and it is helping. This illness has taken almost everything from me and I am determined to control it, not the other way around. Now it looks like my son, a teenager, may also have it. His first suicide attempt was at the young age of 12. He has seen the worst of the illness through me.All in all I’m always looking for different ways to cope. And live a healthy, happy life. All things considered.
Dave,
I was dx’d with “manic-depressive, depressive” some 35 years ago, so I’m very interested in what you’re putting out and can readily see the veracity of what you’re saying.
I wanted to comment on 2 things: first, the “emergencies” situation is correct, and folks who don’t take your advise are “shooting themselves in the foot”! Secondly, I’m no researcher, but I strongly suspect that your mom’s abilites with paperwork even in the depths of an episode might be “compensation”. If she has “lost” some abilities in an episode, perhaps her brain is latching on to something the disease cannot affect. ????
You’re doing a great job, and I’m thankful that you accepted this work. Whatever it has cost you in time, money, energy, this is needed! Don’t let the naysayers get you down!
I am a 50 year old woman who was the only child of a severe Manic-Depressive! My gosh it amazes me that I have survived fairly sane, but one never knows,lol!
However, I have only one child who was afflicted with this same disorder along with ADHD, and borderline personality disorder. She can never be alone. She just turned 28 has been married twice had five children and lost them all to the DHS.
The only differences between the two is that my mother has been married 10 times at last count and she only had the one child.
I have spent 25 years of my life being her mother, father, best friend, counselor and whipping post. I have been a witness to two suicide attempts and almost was a victim of three murder attempts.
I really liked it when she was in love or married it was the only time that I wasn’t the complete focus of her attention. It was the only time I had some reasonable room to breath.
When the realtionships failed it was always because of me according to her. Then she would get a strangle hold on me that almost caused me to commit suicide when I was 18. Death was better than this isolated hell.
In the sixties one of my step fathers took her to a psychiatrist and he said she was fine. Her great beauty and excellent acting ability held her in good sted for many decades.
With my daugther it was two suicide attempts and one physical assault. My daughter tells me so many different stories about things I no longer can believe anything that comes out of her mouth. The most tragic of all is that she believes what she says or at least it seems she does. I can no longer tell.
My emotional strength is failing me and I have no more to give. All this time I have had to be the responsible one and take care of everything. I no longer have the ability to cry or feel real joy.
However, When I received the email about Bi-Polar and read the report my first thought was okay so you want money I don’t have to tell me the truth about this and I proceeded to ignore it. That is until I signed up for your mini-reports.
Thank you David! I now finally know that I am not crazy as my mother said I was and it isn’t just my warped imagination. I am trying to care of myself now as much as possible. Having one such person in your life is pretty stressful but to be sandwiched between two is hell!
If this is Karma I must have been a miserable son -of-a-gun in my last life,lol!
Anyway, I digress. I want to thank you for your efforts and your generousity. I am looking forward to the next flash of light that will help clarify the decades of hurt, confusion, anger, and lies.
Your Appreciative New Friend,
Zana
Dave,
I have never heard anyone speak of the “Bipolar Emergency” before, and I have done a lot of reading.
Brilliant!
Such funny timing. My wasband is bipolar. This evening I was watching a pay per view movie with my kids, came upstairs to feed the critters and make a snack for us.
I look at my cell phone. I have four phone calls from him, a voice mail and a txt message to “Please call me.”
The voice mail made it obvious that it was about a lawnmower not working right.
I decide to let it go, he mentioned he was going to write an e mail, so I came down and wrote him a quick mail.
Ten minutes later, he is coming through the door here. He has a blinding migraine headache and decided to drive over to tell me about the lawnmower. He said, “You didn’t call me so I assumed something was really wrong and I had to check.”
(He had called less than a half hour before coming over, more like fifteen minutes.)
I just had a good laugh on that one! Synchronicity!!
Great article, thanks!!!!
Pati
Hi Dave;
I have a question for you. When is an “emergency” not an emergency?
I am a bipolar sufferer…and I have freaked out over things that most people would think nothing of…so how does a supporter determine what is really an emergency?
thanks for the info!!!!!!!!!!my husband has a appointment this month to be evaluated for bipolar.i have been in a disagreement with him & try to be @ work-i kept getting calls 15 with 15 messages!!!!!manupulation is a big thing!!!!!!!!! i can hardly do n-e-thing right when he is like that!!! i have almost filed for divorce,he finally went to d.r.,of course he spent 10 min.with him,and he said he was not bipolar!!!he does not see him flip out either!!!!!your info. has helped me gather info. to take when we go to another dr on the 15th. jennifer
Hi Dave!
(Message from South Africa).
I have suffered from Bipolar for many years. I was diagnosed at by a psychiatrist at 19. But I didn’t take my problem seriously (even though I booked the appointment myself). Anyway, I don’t have family or friends to support me but I’m finally starting to realise that I do have a problem and that I must take responsibility for myself and force myself to stay positive every day. It’s just a pity that I’m 31 yrs old now and I have lost many years to BP. And to think that I have attempted suicide twice already, worries me. But I am afraid of taking medication (in London I took prozac which was a very bad experience as I should have been given anti-epileptic meds which I know of now). Thanks to you, I am starting to learn about my illness (and myself)! I think all of your articles are excellent. Keep up the good work because I’m sure you are helping so many people!!!!! Dave would you be able to talk about medication some time? I am afraid of med, anyway take care, from, MelC
Ignoring people with BiPolar is seriously dysfunctional. If you are going to tell people to ignore their “loved one” at all, you are wrong.
You are helping to perpetuate an idea that is a completely wrong way to deal with someone with Bi-Polar.
You are telling people to invalidate the perceptions of a person with Bi-Polar just because they are in an episode.
I will say it again. That is wrong.
Also, I noticed that you have a way of deflecting any sort of responsibility for your actions, like many family members do by writing off any sort of criticism of your behaviors as people criticizing you as a person.
You don’t even seem to know that basic idea or rule of communication that you can criticize a behavior without putting down the whole person. If you feel that any criticism is a put down, then you never have to change anything that you do.
You don’t really advocate for the ill person much, Dave, you just advocate for supporters to continue abusing the Bi-Polar person, and ignoring them is abuse.
I advocate for the sick and the supporter, which means that I don’t believe that all the blame should be placed on the sick person. The supporter has to take responsibility for their actions in the situation as well, which means using the “rules of engagement” for communication. That means that everyone involved has to learn assertiveness and assertiveness doesn’t mean “ignore it and it will leave me alone”. Mom has to be assertive. Dad has to be assertive. Dave has to be assertive. And it takes training. Lots and lots of training.
Telling people out there, your 90,000 emailers, as you say you have, to do the things you say is just wrong. You are telling all of these people to take your easy way out and not take asertiveness training and work really hard to learn how to communicate within the rules of communication.
Yes, communication is difficult and there are rules to it.
Just because I have bipolar doesn’t give you or anyone else the right to break the rules of communication with me and ignore me like I was a piece of worthless trash in your way, Dave.
This last email of yours is just wrong.
I’ll say it again, today. Igoring someone is not assertive.
Letting yourself get manipulated is not assertive.
The world is not in black and white and ignoring someone is not the answer.
In reponse to Dave’s message:
What to do when the bipolar person is in denial and won’t ask for help even when there are emergencies? Finances are the worst for my husband. Late fee, after late fee from missed payments…then going to the opposite extreme of not spending ANY money. Urgent emergencies or less pressing, my husband REFUSES to seek help.
In response to the comment about ignoring…it’s not ignoring, it’s refusing to enable. I agree with Dave’s “Bipolar Emergency Revealved” posting.
Dave,
Here is what I think is a real emergency and I’m just hoping someone out there might have some suggestions.
My daughter’s wonderful 21 year boyfriend’s mum has bipolar and by all accounts very badly. His dad left when he was really young and he has a half sister who has been taken into care. His gran who was really his closest ally died at the end of last year after putting up with so many problems with his mum. It now all falls on his shoulders as his dad has remarried and dosn’t want to know. His mum has been sectioned a number of times. The emergency is that in four days time his mum, having run out of all her money is to be evicted from her home. He has been trying to get her into council accommodation but has been told she will literally have to be on the streets in order to be considered. He is worried sick and can’t focus on his important final year exams, the first of which falls on the very day his mum is due to be evicted. My daughter is really concerned about his health and I have suggested they go tomorrow to visit the citizens advice bureau, but I just wondered if anyone out there had any advice to offer, this poor woman has a mental illness and although she is by all accounts impossible and has been disowned by all her friends, she needs help, and he does too and I feel really powerless. I have all Dave’s courses, but we live in the UK and things may work a little differently here. Can anybody offer any advice?