Hi,
What a day it was yesterday for me. My
blog was broken for half the morning
and finally I got it fixed.
Anyway, today I want to keep it short
and tell you about this technique
you MUST avoid letting happen to
you. You must avoid this like
the bird flu.
As a side note, the saying you use
to be “Avoid that like the plaque.”
We haven’t had a plaque in a whole
lot of years so I thought that I would
be a trend setter and start saying “avoid
that the like bird flu.”
Okay, back to the story. I have been
writing this week on strategies that
I talk about in my courses/systems
but I am doing them day by day so
you can digest and understand them
hopefully. If there aren’t too
many typos. My courses/systems
are edited but these daily emails
are only edited by me. They are live
and sent first thing in the morning.
They take me more than a hour to
plan and write and it’s the first
thing I do. Then I go to the gym
normally. I am committed to helping
you and your loved one cope and
deal with bipolar disorder. I hope
you enjoy this information because
I put a lot of time into it.
So, on to the strategy. I have found
that people who have bipolar disorder
AND people who go into episodes and
aren’t in the treatment, commonly
use a technique I call “the snow job”
or “the smokescreen.”
When I first started there were a few
people that worked for me with bipolar
disorder that were super creative and
smart but not in the right treatment
plan. They were a disaster most of the
time. They never did anything on time
and caused a lot of problems for me.
Let me demonstrate how the technique
worked.
Dave: Amy, where’s the assignment? It’s
already two weeks late.
Amy: Why are you attacking me. Every
time I write something, you always attack
me and say that I do a bad job. Oh and
by the way, did you know that I caught
Jody plagiarizing material. Did you know
that? I bet you didn’t even know. Want
me to tell you how?
Dave: Oh, sure.
Then I would focus on Jody but not
the issue at hand which was why Amy
didn’t finish her project.
My mom has used this technique countless
times on me. We have been in situations
where I HAD to talk to my mom about point
a, and then she will bring up point b
which appears to be important but is not
connected to her. This way I focus on point
b and NOT point a. It creates a diversion
and that’s why I call it the snow job or
the smokescreen.
Overtime, if you keep getting diverted you
never can talk about the central issues related
to bipolar disorder. Eventually, disaster sets
in. With my mom she would cause my dad and myself
to always be talking about and focused on everything
other than how to setup systems to manager her
bipolar disorder.
She also use to talk about being “attacked” by
us or “screamed” at by us even though we
never did. In the old days before I taught
my dad this, he would want to talk to my
mom about let’s say the massive spending and
my mom would say “stop yelling at me, why are
you attacking me?” My dad would then, talk
really, really, really, really, really low
and then my mom would say over and over
why are you attacking me. My dad then would
start to defend himself that he wasn’t attacking
her and then eventually would forget what
is original goal or point was–which was to
talk to her about the spending.
This happen to me so many times. Then I got
hip to this scheme and here’s what I did.
I set one thought in my head.
I realized that my mom would probably use a
snow job on me.
I engaged a conversation with her.
When she used the snow job, I only focused on
the mission at hand and that’s it.
I then if I had to wrote her therapist a letter
and let me mom know.
I then told my mom that I knew what she was
doing and it was wrong and that I would not
forget my point and I would only focus on
that point and nothing else
I also made a list of important points
on an index card and crossed them off only
when the issue had been dealt with and covered
completely.
Today this is barely a problem for us based
on the techniques that I just outlined. AND,
don’t think “poor Dave’s mom.” My mom is happy
I do these things.
Some people with bipolar disorder think like
I am running some kind of dictatorship which
I am not. I don’t have to help my mom at all
I could walk away like my brother did.
I help her because I want to. She knows that
she needs support and NOT codependency or handouts.
She knows she is an adult and I should not and
will not do everything for her. BUT, she also
knows that when I use these techniques it’s
in her own best interest because if she
goes “way off”, it only hurts her.
She realizes this AFTER any sort of episode.
If you are a supporter, you will learn in my courses/
systems about this and more.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
If you are a supporter, you have to be a tough
person with thick skin. Here’s why. When the
person you are supporting is in a bipolar
disorder episode, he or she will say one thing
that is really generally the opposite of what
you should be doing. Then when the person
is out of the episode, he/she will say the
opposite of what they originally said. So
you have to ignore what the person is first
saying to you and do what you think is
right and best.
I hope that make sense.
Let me give you an example. There is a
person who works for me, who does a great
job. She has bipolar disorder. She went
into an episode. She told her husband she
was fine she didn’t want to go to the
hospital. She was all mad at him. He got
her into the hospital using a technique
that’s rather complicated to explain
via email but it’s in my bipolar supporter
course, anyway, now today after a week,
she is happy he did it. Before she
was not.
Well I have to run. Have a great day.
Dave
Thanks for the advice. I just have to get myself where I have the courage and presense of mind to use it
David, my husband has not been formally diagnosed even though he has a sibling and a child diagnosed with BP I. For years I thought the dark sullen, angry moods were my fault because when I asked him what was bothering him, he would find something I did or my children did that made him angry. When I started journaling his moods after reading several books and articles on BP I began to see what was really happening. Now, when he begins to bait me into an argument or disagreement with him, I step back and offer no comment on whatever he is trying to bait me with. Sometimes he will still go into an episode, but through my journaling I can see they are now not as frequent or as long because I have not indulged him with an excuse to have a severe episode. Your course and your e-mails this week have encouraged me that this is the best way to handle an oncoming episode. You are also right that the BP person will hint that they are not feeling well at the beginning of a severe episode. My husband has told me at the beginning of every severe episode that he is sick, or he thinks he has mono. At least twice a year he even makes a doctor appointment only to find there is nothing physically wrong with him. Thank you for your help to all of us trying to keep our marriages together with a bipolar person. Getting your course and reading your e-mails helps me stay focused on the illness and not the mean, angry things being said to me.
B*eautiful / I*ntelligent / P*erson / O*ften / L*ost / in A*nger n R*age…
Some days are harder than others…but i look forward to ur emails david…
Good Morning David!
As I have said in a previous posting this information has finally given me back my sanity and sense of balance after decades of feeling like a Weeble,lol!
My heart has ached for so long at the fact that I could not get emotionally close with my daugther. I berated myself for all the awful thoughts or feelings I had towards her. Loving her and gretly dis-liking her at the same time. It has been hellish.
I now understand what my grandmother had to deal with regarding my mother and why she finally just detached permanently from my mother. She may have not known the cause of my mother’s fiascos because such things were not discussed in those days and she was at a loss as to what to do.
My other was one of eight children in a small Texas town. I have a feeling that my grandfather (my mother’s father)may have been bipolar as well because of some of the stories I had heard about his past exploits.
The manipulation must have run rampant between these two and I learned to not take the bait when I finally seperated from my mother’s company at the age of 25.
However, with one’s own daugther that was truly loved and wanted it was a lesson that had to be re-learned.
I have told my daughter about your courses and she asked that as soon as I could afford it to buy your full courses.
She knows she has bi-polar and knows that I do care but gets confused sometimes when I emotionally detach.
My daugther mentioned once that she knew that I did care, very much, but sometimes I did not act like it. I told her that it was necessary in order to maintain the relationship we have if it was to continue into the future.
She understood this at the time but I know that she will forget all about this conversation, or at least a good portion when she has her next episode, but at least I now have the tools and the hope for us both.
Once again I thank you for your work and I thank you for your generousity.
With Great Appreciation,
Zana
David,
For years I have had this problem and never recognized it. My husband always answered my questions with a question. He changed the subject totally. Now I know why. I am going to try the notecard thing. Thanks again. Keep the emails coming. You are GREAT!!
I do appreciate all the info, i have even used some of the things you had talked about for your mom on my 7 yr old son………it is nice to know that i am not the only one
Dave, I have a question or an idea for one of your topics. I sure hope you read these. Do people have these episodes on a regular cycle? I can tell you to the day when my husband is going to have his next bad episode. It is every 28 days. Seems like he is on a cycle. He hurts me so bad then. Tells me he doesn’t love me anymore & wants a divorce. He had an affair & I forgave him. The doctor has calmed my fears by telling me it was his “illness” that made him do what he did. I am agoraphobic. Supposidly caused by his illness. Needless to say, I am affraid to show him your emails. He denies that he is bipolar. The doctor told him originally in 1988 that he has Servere Manic Depression w/Suicidal & Homicidal tendancies. In one of my sessions I asked the doctor if I was bipolar & she said no. Then I asked her if he was and she said YES!! He will not believe me. He is in denial. He has moved into the spare bedroom & will not tell me he loves me. Everything is “My Fault”.How do you stop the snowball? Do these episodes occur in cycles? HELP!!! 19 years is enough. Thanks, Fran
oh and my 7 year old son does this to me…he will completely change the subject on me and i answer by saying, i hear you but why did this happen and then go to the other subject.
my girlfriend has bipolar 2, she was an alcolholic, now has taken up a gambling addiction, because of her medication of the past it deaden the nerves in her vaginal area where she has never experienced a vaginal orgasm, which in return had 2 different relationships with women, because she said women know how to please women right now I sure could use some help — TOM
Great advice Dave Thanx
Yah, been there done that, Unless we recognise the “smoke screen technique it is easy to get caught up in it. My spouse has learned that the smoke screen works best when she can catch me off guard. I have learned to recognise some of the body language associated with Bi-polar and find it a fairly reliable way to see the onset of an episode. I don’t think she has as much control of the body language as she does her mouth.
I learned a while ago to not fall for the pity party stuff. It’s a challenge at times to not hand her a stick to beat me with. But I’m learning..Thanx Dave.
I was interested in the refinancing of a house to cover debits. Do not be scared to do this, so what after 30 years you have lived in a rented house – tuff to the childrens inherance, but stop that over spending, control it.
Dave,
Your Mother had her last episode the same time as my wife, is your mother’s next episode due just after 1st June 2007??
Dave, you have just described my husband to perfection. I and his family are dealing with something new in him everyday. He is in an episode now for going on 3 weeks and of course going untreated. He doesnt think he has a problem. He has a job yet not one that provides insurance. In our 5 years together hes had 15 different jobs. HELP! has become my anthem i have had to become wife, mother, and warden to my husband. All this and run a house and raise children. Where did i get lost in this?
Hi David, I’m very familiar with diversional conversation tactics you mention. I call it “crazy making” from the supporters side.
For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why I kept feeling so confused/frustrated when trying to discuss the personal impact of my husband’s lack of follow through and accountability with him.
I almost always ended up feeling like the bad guy for bringing up this type of subject matter. I was the one who wasn’t understanding enough, too critical, too judgemental. The conversations kept switching around to the point of being accused that I was attacking him, telling him he wasn’t good enough, that my standards were too high, etc. The original item being discussed was lost in the shuffle; dismissed, made light of, and basically railroaded.
Usually the thing I was “bringing to the table” was maddening enough, but it’s been the ongoing invalidation and discrediting of my opinions which have caused the most damage to my heart because I took everything so personally for years! From my perspective, here was yet another disappointment, another unresolved issue to deal with and silently bear. The compounding effect….huge!
My mind kept reeling at the end of these conversations as I started accepting my husband’s blame shifting, taking ownership of something that was not mine. Codependency became my mode of operation, which made things even worse. I stopped trusting myself and my intuitions, trying to convince myself that my husband’s rationalizations were correct, (they were so convincing!).
I really felt I was going crazy, even though a small voice inside me said I wasn’t. I stayed emotionally isolated for years in this mayhem. The scenario fueled a lot of depression and despair to the point of significant failing health for me from the intense battle going on within myself. This only validated to my husband that I really was the one who had the problems. Oh great!
I finally caught on after many years of personal codependency recovery/therapy, and a confirmed diagnosis of my husband’s BP, what I was up against. I worked on not taking things as personally and started insisting on sticking to the main subject during our conversations.
Our therapist states the reason this pattern happens is because the “empathy” center of the BP person’s brain does not fully develop. When my husband senses I have strong emotions regarding a certain subject matter which pertains to him/his behaviors, his brain chemistry “short circuits” to the point that he is unable to “see” my side of the story or “hear” what I am really trying to say. The logical part of his brain (the part that makes BP quite brilliant otherwise) gets “highjacked,” per our therapist’s description. What I am saying literally is not understood and when the BP person is operating out of the emotional part of their brain they are unable to think logically because of the short circuit that exists in the connection between the two parts. This description has helped me understand things better.
And then, as our therapist says, guilt and shame get thrown in there (because once the issue is brought again, there is usually some logical thinking memory recall about failing to do what was previously asked of him). It ends up being about self preservation and saving face at that point, which furthers the emotional flooding and inability to “hear” what I am saying.
Personally, this is where I have experienced most of the lying episodes, just like one of your articles addresses in your course, David. And this is where the conversation usually experiences the dramatic turn from the original topic.
I find three specific things have helped me:
1. Preferencing my conversations and saying up front that I am not here to attack or make my spouse “wrong”
2. Staying matter of fact in my tone of voice and body language so that I am not bringing in a lot of emotion to the conversation, which ultimately highjacks my husband’s ability to listen.
3. Staying true to myself and speaking what I need to say with truth and grace. I point out when the topic gets derailed (expect it)and I consistently bring it back to what I need discussed.
In the end, my husband gets to experience success and I get my needs met by achieving conflict resolution on some very long standing issues between us. It’s a win-win that way.
I hope my sharing helps spare someone some of the heartache I’ve had to personally go through. Thanks David for all your efforts!
Debbie
Hello Dave! I wanted to thank you for the daily e-mails. While I have not shown them to the members of my family who are bi-polar I am reading them daily and they are helping me greatly. I wanted to tell you that while I want to get your course, it’s the only way you will be able to keep this up, I have a teenager and a husband with bi-polar. I just can’t afford the extra money right now. So, again thank you for your daily e-mails. I see many things that I have been trapped in over the last two years. It is my hope that I can learn some things and keep my son going forward and my husband better at getting through his days. Thank you so very much!
I HAVE WENT THROUGH THE SAME SITUATIONS WITH MY FATHER. HE ALSO HAS A DRUG PROBLEM. SO THAT MADE THIS WORSE. HE WOULD USE SITUATIONS WITH HIS PROBLEMS TO GET WHAT HE WANTED. READING YOUR EMAILS REMINDS ME ALOT OF MYSELF.I LOOK FORWARD TO READING MORE, TO HELP MYSELF AND THE SITUATIONS I’M IN. THANKS!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE I’M NOT ALONE IN THIS.THANKS AGAIN!!!!!
-JENNIFER
My husband is a school teacher, and everyday I hear examples of this sort of behavior from his students, who refuse to take responsibility for their performance – & sad to say, are succeeding in getting away with it – and thereby learning how to become better manipulators than scholars! Ironically, becaz I work for a health care executive I see the consequences of this bad habit turn up in the workplace, where the employees think they can pass off the “dog ate my homework” sort of excuse – or get away for being paid as a placeholder, without being accountable for any degree of performance. This whole trend is disastrous. Obviously, those who succeed at little else than becoming prime manipulators will have problems everywhere in life – in the work place and at home – whether or not there is bp or anything else operating. And it makes everyone around them do-dependent if they cooperate…There is more than just bp here – but a varied diagnosis – and I don’t think it’s unusual, either.
The sort of advice you share it very similar to what’s shared at Alanon or at Coda 12 step groups. The wisest thing someone said to me there when I went on account of an ex’s DUI – is that they will find their own solutions to problems – as I see your mother doing – This is a step towards both maturity and wellness.
I am so happy that I have found this web site. I am having so many problems with my daughter who has bipolar. We just can not have a calm conversation. She is always ready to attack me. We have not spoken in a year now and I am in therapy trying to learn how to cope with her issues. I stay depressed most of the time because I love her and I want to be close to her and the grandchildren. Thanks for taking the time out of your life to help others!
I found out Sunday that my daughter has gone off her meds. She is 24. She lives with me. Her bipolar dad now has to live in a half way home, but is medicated and doing well… Anyhow, how I discovered this was that she came home with a large quantoity of groceries Sunday. I just said how much did you spend (My Money) she proceeded to get angry, and kick a gallon of milk across the kitchen. I said to her, I think you are off youer meds. She admitted that she is hoarding them because she doesn’t want to run out! She can’t afford to buy more, so she is saving them????
So now we have wto call her Dr., who charges 125.00 – 200.00 a visit!!!
Did I mention that we are so poor now that we are at times forced to go to a food pantry? Basically this all stems from the devastation of the disease……in a nut shell I am frustrated, but will now tell het that i am going to write a letter to her Dr. if She doesn’t call by Friday evening. I will then have to bring her myself……
todays comments are amazing .I can now honestly say that I am not crazy, and that the patterns of my 30 plus year relationship with my husband has be basically ruled by this illness. Now as a parent of a BP adult i am scared that I will never get away from the turmoil that ruels the lives of these people. When will I get the peace and quiet and RESPECT that I need so desperately, and get my life back??? I want my child to beabl to take care of herself…..
Dave I think my husband is bipolar… problem is he put me and my 8 year old disabled son through a wall… i love him but cant handle the crazy making aspect of the life we have lived for the last 3 years.. he is currently in jail but is there hope for some one with bi polar? or will trying to get him help cause a bigger problem? once some one with bp gets violent will they ever not be? or is it just a progressive disorder that never changes… im so lost.. in love.. afraid… and have to protect my kids… is there help for him?? he realy needs it… he was diagnosed as a child as ADHD-EH… the EH is emotionally handicapped… what the heck can i do… if anything.. please help if possible.
Dear Dave,
First let me THANK YOU for this newsletter. I support my family all diagnosed bipolar; thats my husband of 14 years and all 3 of our children ages 14, 13, and 9. My husband was only diagnosed 2 years ago after constantly bankrupting us and leaving no food in the house and quitting jobs too numerous to count. So the information that i am getting from you is very comforting in that I am NOT alone.
Thank you again
Lois
Dear Dave,
Basically, i was curious about the disorder that is why i subscribed to your free e-mails. I am not aware of relatives and/or friends who have the dirorder but it sure is good to know about it somehow. I personally would like to thank you for giving your time and effort (maybe money as well…. i dont know for sure)in disseminating information and learnings about bipolar disorder. With the knowledge, this might come in handy in the near future if any arises. Once again thank you.
Sincerely,
May
Hello Dave,
Basically I was just curious about the disorder that is why i subscribed to your free e-mails. I actually am not aware of relatives or friends who have this disorder but i would want to thank you personally for giving your time and effort to disseminate information and learnings on the disorder. It sure is good to know about the disorder though to better understand differences between a person who has and who hasnt. Once again, thank you and may God Bless you a thousand folds.
sincerely,
may
Hi David,
One question- why the hell does a bipolar person have to gain so much weight? you get these hunger pangs and a desire to have excessive sweets. The medication has that side effect i know- and as the episodes emerge-stronger medication is required and -therefore more weight
That really adds to the phase when you get depressed.
Any suggestions…..and dont give the typical ones
In a situation like this-you want to eat good rich calorie rideen stuff 😉
i think u treat your mom with disrespect and ruthlessness.i hear no love or support. we dont have a choice as to whether we have an episode. u have no idea how we feel or why we do the things we do. i suggest u keep learning
Please can anyone help?
My friend has Bipolar. He is 33 years old. He cannot take medication – he is allergic to them all. Seen the best psychiatrists/psychologists/herbalists – and nothing works.
Can anyone tell me any methods that they have used that work?
I love your analogy about the bird flu. IT IS REAL.
The last place I worked used irrigation water from a holding pond to water athletic playing fields. All kinds of birds–mainly geese–used the watering hole. Being the suspicious type I am I had the water independently tested. You guessed it–H5N virus.
And it was being pumped on athletic fields!
I work elsewhere now. I have bipolar disorder but I’m not stupid. Keep up the good work Dave…
I am very frustrated. I wrote out alot of coments and when I signed up on the Google everything I spent time on just went. It takes time and effort to write this material. What did I not do properly. Suzq shprocter@comcast.net.
SuzQ says also. To cut it down and rewrite. I have finally told my 53 year old daughter (that I believe has a Bi Polar problem )that I would appreciate an apology from her from her last episode. She has been gradually coming back to herself after a period three years ago when she had three successive auto accidents. She has always had a temper like a timber wolf when she grew up in our home but not like these past episodes. She was storming around with calling me a sick old bitch at the doorstep of her cottage. I had come with my care provider to bring her a small offering of 100bucks ( as addition to many small effort to help her financially) to try and stem the tide of her possibly loosing her place. Being that I have just come thru the fight of my life health wise with a broken hip and then a heart attack and a spell with a terrible flu bug that assailed the Rehab center. I guess one could find this an accurate description of me. But I came under my own steam to see her and have been making great progress. She has not had any custodial care of me. It does not feel good to have your own daughter or anyone slam you with those words. In December she lost still another job. THis one was in a field she know extremely well. I really thought that when I was hospitalized in the winter that she had been making some real progress but this last outburst just floored me. She was angry that I had written to her fomer husband for help. He ows her big time. It is hard to stand firm with people that go thru these wretched episodes. When they are over you are always the bad guy. She was raving around about money matters that were 31 year old. I have demanded an apology for her bad language and behavior. I have not heard anything for a month from her. Any contact is thru my grown grandson. He assures me she does not talk like that to him. SuzQ age 78