David,
I really like the way you have used the idea of chip on ones shoulder and related it to people with bipolar, I can so relate to that, Bipolar when in extremes for me is like this annoying bug that wont go away, I have been diagnosed with bipolar for two years, and someone who I can relate to is my cousin older than me who also has bipolar and we are able to talk about how it is for both of us, have understanding for each other. I am working at the moment with a very good therapist who is helping me, being firm, but caring, which is what I’ve needed for a long time. So I’m so glad to hear your BD Chip email, to know that I’m not alone out there, Cos sometimes having BD is a very isolating illness, and support is a vital way of keeping well.

Hi,
I’m 58 year old woman diagnosed with bi-polar at 28. It’s traced to both paternal and maternal sides of family. Have not your traditional mood swings, but hospitalized on 4 separate times with severe manic episodes due to stressful events in life. Unfortunately, anti-psychotic and large doses of stabilizing bi-polar medications have paradoxical effect. Even in severe manic and agitated state of mind, I still have perfect memory; but doctors never listed and only prescribe more medications which in turn trigger more mania. I’m getting a medical power of attorney to protect my rights in event of another hospitalization to document my adverse reaction to traditional drugs. Basically, I’ve lived 30 years as unmedicated bi-polar person but to take meds for sleep issues. Again not your traditional sleep medications because I too am unable to sleep on Ambien, Lunesta, and Sonata – reverse effect. Exercise and yoga are great therapies to manage stress and everday hyper-activity.

David,
I have suffered from bipolar disorder for nearly 12 years since November 1996. For the past month up until now, I have had crying spells, and every meds that I have taken have made me completely sick. The doctor I have been with for almost 6 years is not returning my phone calls everytime I am having problems with my health or medications. I think you and other viewers should hear me out. I will be 34 on the 1st of April. BD has affected my jobs, including teaching and substitute teaching (which I currently do now). I received a call from Human Resources in another county that I subbed in, and I am now hearing four complaints for four different schools. One school last week (that complained about me) called me around 8:30 am while I was not feeling well and asked me to come to work. I said, sure. I thought everything was fine until this same school said that I came in late and was not following guidelines and procedures. First of all I live an hour away from that school. And I have the documentation from my phone saying that they (the school) called me late. Should I substitute from that county again, to avoid anymore complaints. Or just tell them that rather than taking me off the list to resign? I feel like I want to give up life. I have two small children and a husband. I am currently doing a long term assignment in another county, and I want to be perfect. If I fail again, then I am going to quit substitute teaching altogether because of this BD. It is tearing me apart. I don’t want anymore complaints. I want this BD under control.

Thank you David for your response. I felt like todays email was for me. I have had to look for another Doctor and am hoping that in the process my husband will learn to be a better supporter for me. He has also joinded your site and course and that means a lot to me in its self. I feel as though he thinks I CAN just make it go away. I hope and pray that with the support of my mom and him and my faith things will improve. I am not going to give up. Thank you so much.

Hi David,
My family on my dad’s side (and we’re a VERY large family) is riddled with this disorder as well as other brain disorders. My dad has bipolar but hasn’t been diagnosed yet. He hasn’t acknowledged his issues until recently and we are hoping that this is the beginning of a healing process for him. As you know, people with bipolar can make some very bad decisions. This has been the case for him and he is now in jail for a mistake he made many years ago. My mom has M.S. and sufferes from depression herself. I am the only one that lives close enough to help take care of her, so the burden on me is overwhelming at times as I also am running his business. My husband and I have been married for 26 years tomorrow. I was diagnosed with bipolar about ten years ago and have been functioning normally for most of those years. We had some really rough times at the beginning. It’s difficult to find a doctor that knows enough about bipolar to be of help and many doctors tend to treat it as regular depression, putting people on the wrong types of meds which was the case for me. Once I received a proper diagnosis and was started on the right meds, things got much better. I was also fortunate to be directed to a wonderful woman that helps me maintain my meds and has helped me through some really scarey dysphoric episodes. My husband and I have six kids, five boys and one girl. Our 22 year old son was diagnosed with Schizo-Affective/bipolar disorder about six years ago and our youngest son (13) was dignosed with the same thing recently so we have had our hands full with these brain disorders. I know several of my aunts and uncles and their children who also have bipolar, schizophrenia or both. I have been dealing with the stigma of “mental illness” for far too many years from people who just don’t understand. I have seen my son be treated differently by his teachers and employers because we had chosen to be honest with them about his disorder. Because of this, with our youngest, we are doing things differently this time. We are very careful about who knows and are constantly reminding him that he can do anything he wants to in life. Our older boy functions great now on his meds and is always the best worker for anyone he’s ever worked for. Our youngest wants to be an actor and so we are encouraging him to follow his dreams. He has just started on a new med and it’s hard to watch him suffer the side effects, but I know first hand that this WILL NOT treat itself. Meds are imperetive to getting back to a “normal” life. But really, what is “normal”? We are all unique and one persons normal may not be anothers. Don’t ever give up. I think it’s wonderful that you have this support system available for those that may not have anyone else. If you have a “chip” on your shoulder, brush it off. Life is too short to allow bipolar to take over! Anything is possible if you just hang in there. Eventually you will find the right meds to help you get regulated, the right doctors to help you, and the right support people to be there for you. You are never alone as long as you know that you have at least one other person out there who knows what you’re going through.

This chip business made me think of an article I had read recently pertaining to the mapping of one’s DNA to identify mental abnormalities.
According to the article, one’s DNA once mapped, can help doctor’s steer them to the proper medication for the affliction without the trial and error method. Dave have you seen this article?

I would like to offer an extension to the bipolar “chip” concept. My wife has Bipolar but has to date refused to accept the diagnosis.

I prefer to think of her moods and behaviour as the result of a binary 0-1 with little dip switches like those in old style remotes.

Differnt events and stimuli internal and external seem to cause these switches to be moved. Every now and then the wrong combination will lead to an episode. The severity of which is detrmined by the configuration.

Sometimes I can feel the palpable change in energy when the combination is moving a step closer to episode.

Lillian said, “I think it was better don’t confess BP, because prejuidice, but she is saying that is marked in her service.But I think that was my deny, that was make possible my loved one do all she has done until today.”
I can relate to this. MY employer emcouraged me to take “retirement” because they didn’t think I would (ever?) be fit enough to return to work with BP even though I’m “only” Type 2 ! So, I agree, it can make a difference.

Moreover, in the UK we HAVE to declare any history of illness when we apply for jobs. If we hold anything back, we can be dismissed without compensation for failing to be truthful – disability rights under the Equality laws don’t make a damned bit of difference. That’s just the way it is!

Indeed, I recall that one of our staff in the Computer Centre, was targeted by local line managers who waned to get rid of her because they felt she was ineffectual as a result of her BP. The fact that they shouted at her(and sometimes swore, F word and all!)when she mde errors, didn’t do anything for her confidence or her BP! So, she didn’t do well at her job until I became her boss. I’m not crowing but I just handled her differently and and she responded well to my management style.

Good morning Dave and Readers: Thank you all for your comments that help all of us who are seriously striving to find new and better ways to deal with an illness that produces such devastation in the lives of so many people when left untreated.
Bipolar or not, anyone can have a chip on his/her shoulder from some unresolved issue that keeps reappearing until we acknowledge it and learn how to successfully deal with it. There are usually lots of these issues that make-up the chip. Bipolar people are no different than non-bipolars in most areas of their lives. We all have the same needs for love, acceptance, and understanding.

Whenever my spouse or my adult daughter (who are both bipolar)are showing signs of mania in their behaviors I always look a little deeper at the issues that are at hand and find that there is always some truth in what they are trying to convey to people no matter how unacceptable their words or behaviors are. The drama within our family that is usually created over their tirades and flying-off-the-handle “espisodes” is mainly due to misunderstandings, old un-resolved issues, and of course impatience, anger and frustration. But, I have found that there is always some truth beneath all the drama.
I think this is where professional psychotherapy is needed not just for the bipolar person (s) but for all of the people who are most intimately involved. I do not have bipolar, but I am human and have my own issues that need to be resolved just as much as my beloved bipolars. Living life with people is the only way to uncover those issues and find resolution. It’s unfortunate that we often give up and lean towards isolation instead.
Thank you — everyone for sharing your life and thoughts.
Have a wonderful day.

Suzanne said: “I think it goes back to when I was a child of 11, when I had a life-threatening accident, and was hospitalized for 3 months. Everyone around me – including my family – treated me like a “China doll,” and WOULDN’T allow me to “grow” into myself. That’s the one major reason I can think of that I defer to other people to DO things for me.”

That may or may not be true. However, don’t forget you may be post rationalising! I mean, looking for an explanation and adopting the first one you find that seems to fit. AS I said, this may be the case or it might not. It MIGHT be the illness!

I used to (probably still do!) post rationalise, and my last pDoc didn’t help, pushing me to find reasons for the depressions in my cycle. Oh, it all seemed to so rational – “You are not in a happy relationship; therefore, it stands to reason you will be depressed. Therefore, do something about the relationship…” Fortunately, I didn’t ac t on that advice before thinking it through! I recalled how as a child, I would have days when I felt so damned miserable I would cry a lot. People (esp. people at school) would pester me for an explanation. They insisted there had to be SOMETHING that had happened that would explain why I felt why I did. So, I found an explanation that suited them – i.e. “trouble at home.” Of course, there wasn’t any trouble, but it fitted. It offered a reason for them. I started ti believe my own fiction. I would search for reasons why I felt as I did. I now recall how I felt one relationship I had was the cause of my depressive cycles. The relationship ended. Guess what? The depression didn’t!

A different pDoc told me this behaviour is typical of people who are Dysthymic, that they go into relationships/friendships and get bored with them, sometimes quite quickly. They then hover about trying to make up their minds if they should, or how they should, end the relationship/friendship/ Let it drift? Be open? They worry if the cutting off the relationship will hurt the other person. AND they worry if it will hurt them because experience has shown them that they can make pi## poor decisions when they are depressed, because they know everything seems darker and unsatisfactory, uninteresting when they are depressed. They worry that their negative view of their relationships/friendships are merely figments of the depression. That is why they prevaricate, why they sometimes seem very inconsistent in their behaviour to loved ones, seeming to “blow hot and cold.” (It is my experience that my friendships last longer if there is a gap between myself and my friend such that I cannot see or communicate with them regularly. So, when we do meet or speak, it still feels fresh.)

I expect this post won’t help much, Suzanne because I’m probably sowing more seeds of confusion, of “does X REALLY make me feel this way? IS it just the depression?” Well, I don;’t know if THIS will help. However, perhaps it will help some of the Supporters out there to understand a little more about why we may behave inconsistently towards them even when we seem “stable”.

Of course, such confusion WILL result in psychological depression, overlaying the chemical one! But sorting out WHAT is psychological and what is biological is a bitch! It’s like trying to rid a field that is totally covered by a thick briar patch, where each strand of this sharp and painful problem is inter twinded with another, and even if you do start clearing a path, thje b####d starts growing again anyway. Is it any wonder some of us sometimes feel we want to check out?! ;o/

My chip has turned into a rock… I have read all of the above comments, and can relate to each one in some way. They are all very intelligent, personal,and touching.
There was one, that even stated how well shes had been doing, and how she was High functioning, not on any state programs, well I used to believe that too, I’m 44, and was I diagnosed one year ago. Now that know that my behavior has a disorder, that has helped me not to feel as shameful, or guilty. When was young, my family would say I was the rebel, black sheep, airhead or druggie, which left me isolated-left out “the victom”
I have always had some problems with relationships, communication,
and poor decision making skills, which seems to really affect my self-esteem, I do not trust myself, so I tend to give in to what others think is important. Now people tend to disrespect me.
I have had 29 jobs in 29 years of work have moved 34 times since I was 18. I have been doing fairly well, working as an RN. I hid my Bi-polar in busy-ness. I always was on the run, had to go here or there working two full-time nursing jobs, going to College, raising two kids, grieving a death or divorce, or mental health issues with my daughter and her episodes, or my adopted mother who is an alcoholic. Up until last year, at 43 it hit me so hard, I had been manic for so long, I no longer could hold a job, I have destroyed all of my finances from
$80,000 to disablity of 30,000 from
$370,000 house to foreclosure from having a husband and children to just one son, who is 16, he lives with his dad. My marriage has been destroyed by my mania, The love and trust is gone, which makes me feel even worse, My mother and daughter have left me and spread gossip about me to outlying family who call me concerned. A big mess.
High Drama, I don’t know how to get out, feel peace, I need to get on a schedule or be consistant. I am on my third set of drug therapies. My doctor is patient, caring, and up to date. I really do have a great BP therapy group. It’s makes me feel sad that up to this point, I worked to much, to hard, and to fast to take time to enjoy much, and it took very little to destroy it all. Because I have destoyed my support,I have no-one to talk to, I have to say that just being able to type this out has helped. thanks for that, my rock seems a lighter now.
Take care

Good Morning All: In just a little while we will have a new topic to discuss from Dave’s support site and we will be on to new ideas and thoughts to be expressed.

Thank you Graham for your comments that did not appear negative, but as you said realistic — they helped me to understand and accept a little better why no amount of trying to reason or positively influence works during a mania cycle.

You also helped to clarify the in and out, close and distant behavior patterns of my spouse in our long marriage relationship — which by the way drives me up a tree. I can see by what you have said, I can either learn to live with it or not and make other choices for myself as professionals and self-help literature often direct — not easy when you love someone.

Thank you, Sweetp, for your courage to talk about what’s real. I am glad you feel lighter.

Dave, I am having problems publishing my comments on this site — using my password. Any suggestions?

I have recently left my husband of 14 years because he has bipolar disorder but has refused to get treatment. Now this refusal to get treatment has turned into a whole host of other issues. He is an alcoholic, a sex and love addict, and a pot head. Needless to say we have had a rollercoaster of a marraige and I decided to get off the ride. He has recently expressed interest in getting treatment and I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how to get treatment if you do not have health insurance, have a very modest income and no money for counseling? Do you think that 14 years of betrayal is something that can be overcome in a marraige? I love him deeply. It has not been pleasant to watch him struggle and self sabotage. Now that he wants treatment I would like to be a support to him without enabling him. What is your opinion?
Thank you,
Rebecca

“As always God please release any fear, negativity & anxiety from our hearts, souls and minds and please replace it with your infinite love you have for us all.”

Personally, I’d rather ask God not to give anyone any kind of mental illness in the first place. If He would only do this it’d be a whole lot kinder and loving than placating those to whom He’s given the illness and their suffering supporters. Grrrrrr …

(Please, no body say “But God works in mysterious ways” or I’ll scream so loud you’ll hear me from London to New York and way across to Sidney.)

Jennpen:
If I hadn’t known better, I would of thought you wrote your comments to me instead of Beck. I am ashamed to say how long and how many times I have opened my good heart and compassion for my bipolar spouse who has not gotten better but steadily gotten worse. Thank you Beck, Michelle, Kim, Hopeful, and Jennpen again for all that you have said today. Someone said, “knowledge is power” and I feel so much better about myself as I detach from the craziness of someone who is not ready to do anything for himself yet alone anyone else. I can still love him, but know that there is nothing good that I can do for him at this time.

Sorry, Graham, but “I” don’t think God makes bad things happen to us, but rather allows what happens naturally. It’s been my understanding that bipolar is a chemical imbalance with genetic propensities. It doesn’t take much from human frailties to trigger brain malfunctions.

I believe that love works when we let love work along side of the medical and psychological foundations for rebalancing. And, I think God inspires and directs those who listen and are willing. By the way, I appreciate your postings very much.

Happy day everyone.

JenPenn and Beck,
JP said, “He wants to be taken care of with little or no effort on his part.”
That may be the case. But it may also be that he has not sufficient ability or motivation, because of the BO, tio take caree of himself. That does not mean it remains Beck’s purpose to continue in that role. Beck’s own health should come first. We just have to remember that, whatever we do – continue giving care and/or emotional support, or withdrawing it, there are consequences. WE have to accept those consequences.

Grahm n:

Thanks for your posting. I am certaining not angry with you about what you believe and have no need to try and convince you of anything that I believe in. You can be as angry as you’d like. We are all here trying to connect and find more information and understanding in trying to resolve things that are problematic in our lives and in this case it’s bipolar and support. Your postings are very valuable. I hope to continue reading them.

You are so right. No matter what choice we make there are consequences that are not easy. For bipolars choosing better health and well-bing is always hoped for but must be by their choice. For supporters, choosing to stay or not to stay is apparenting the question at some point in the relationship, and maybe not. Choosing to click on this sight and spend the amount of time that I have reading the postings of so many has been a good one for me.

No one knows all the answers for everyone because not all situations are the same, but when people connect because things are the same it behooves us to listen and take note. When someone says, “been there, done that” I listen. I don’t have to waste my time and energy trying to reinvent the wheel. And that’s what this blog site is doing for me.

Thank you, all of you, for taking the time and energy, good or bad, to talk about your lives and what is real. Quite honestly, I am fed up with the pretense of the world and the mental games we play to show how OKAY we all are.

Again, I am not bipolar, but I have stayed in a relationship with someone who is and has not chosen to get all the help he needs so he rather plays at it. He loves his highs, don’t we all bipolar or not. He exceptionally smart, but not too wise. He can be wonderfully loving, kind, caring, helpful, and a great guy. We all those things about him. But, he has refused to really accept his illness and allow anyone to really love and support the way we would. Instead he uses his meds when he chooses, and see a doctor when he chooses, and pops in and out of everyone’s lives when he chooses and guess what? It works. It works for most. But, it doesn’t work for me.

I have been up and down with him on his merry-go-round. I have seen him at his best and at his worst. It’s terribly painful to see someone that you love and care about swing from one place to another over and over and over again.

I’ve tried everything I know, everything I’ve read, everything the professionals have suggested and still he loves his bipolar. He loves the highs and lives with the lows — self-medicating himself in isolation until we all fear that one day he’ll overdose by accident and then we’ll have to live with that.

It’s a hard road. The choices are hard, too. As much as I love him and care about him, I can not do it for him. And, he perfectly happy doing it the way he is.

Our family is fragmented and there is really not a lot of proper support. People just accept him ust exactly like he is, which is a choice. He survives, bless his heart — doing whatever he wants. He always has. He always will.

And, as for me ….. I must choose, too. And I do. I choose a better, healthful way of living both physically and mentally. I choose to interact with others in the most positive and loving ways I can. I choose to continue to learn and grow and apply my knowledge and talents in ways that helpful to others. I choose to continue to work and play while enjoying the life I have and meeting the challenging that automatically come through sheer mortality. I choose to believe in a God who is loving and cares for me and will guide and direct me as long as I am willing to sit stop, watch and listen.

We all are hear to listen and to share our stories that are very helpful. It’s a real privilege to take part in all of this.

Thanks for reading a “long one” — I needed to say what is on my heart this morning. Have a great day, everyone!

MA.
Good you you, gal! If I may say so (I’m gonna be “judgemental” here, even though I hate that bastard word!) it seems to me you are taking a healthy assertive route to take control of your own Life rather than be steered by your guy. He’s irrational (as are many in a BP episode) so where he steers isn’t going to be a healthy course for anyone! It seems like you’ve done your bit of trying to get him back on course and it’s now what we call “me-time”. Time for MA to live your own life rather than be towed all over the show by someone else who hasn’t a clue where they are going, or why, or even recognises where they been anyway!

Of course, he may be playing with the BP because he doesn’t like the meds … BUT I have noted it can be the case that, regardless of whether or not the med have an unpleasant side-effect, there are some BP folk who are addicted to the highs and seem to do anything they can to get them! If the meds stop the highs, the stop taking the meds to get the highs back. I can understand this where the meds drop a person into a persistent depressed state. Hell, who wouldn’t want a high for some relief away from that! But there are others who like the buzz of the high anyway. More fool them because every high is generally followed by a low of similar measure! Perpetuating the highs means perpetuating the cycle of mood swings. I don’t know – ‘cos I’m not a doc – but it wouldn’t surprise me if such an unhealthy routine will exacerbate the BP, so that it develops and becomes worse over time. Anyone know about this?? Whatever, I’m trying to stay stable enough, without to many extremes of mood, so as to avoid that risk. BP at my levelc an be bad enough so I sure as heck don’t want it to be any worse!

Graham n:

Thank YOU! You are a very intelligent and wise soul. Thanks for the added explanation about the whys of playing with the meds. I think you are right-on.

What’s sad is that I understand that he likes his highs and he’s such a great guy when he’s slightly high — that’s when he wants me in his life. When he super high and manic he needs me in his life. And when he’s depressed he throws in the towel and tells me to get out of his life. I know it’s all the bipolar speaking, but the bipolar is in such control.

I think relationships are tricky for bipolars and their supporters. That’s why we ALL need help.

And, thanks again Graham, for the laugh about “what spelling mistakes?” I am laughing at my own little idiocyncrasy — having to have it just right.

🙂 ma