Hi,
How’s it going? Yesterday I got a call from a VERY
intelligent lady who wanted to talk to me
about my course. She was wondering if it’s
new information or simply a rehash of books
that are in the store. I told her that I never
really learned anything on bipolar disorder
from the books in the store except one.
Anyway, we were talking about a number of things
related to supporting someone with bipolar disorder,
and something came to mind.
Our conversation led me to think about something
I have never touched in my daily emails.
I like to call it Bipolar Bait. You may
be thinking, “Did Dave just say Bait or
is that one of his famous typos in his daily
emails??”
Yes I said bait. Bipolar bait. If you are
new to my list, you may be thinking:
I am crazy
I have bipolar disorder
I am strange
Maybe this list isn’t for me
What’s wrong with this guy
Etc.
Okay, this is serious stuff. If you are new to
the list, I promise this is good information :).
Here’s the deal. Let me describe how I discovered
what bipolar bait is. Actually I made up the name
one day when I was waiting for my mom to come
out of the doctor’s office because I was bored
and didn’t have anything to do.
You see, I have found that when a person is
in an episode with bipolar disorder, they
say things that cause YOU the supporter to
react, get mad, argue, get emotionally worked
up, etc. I call this bipolar bait.
When my mom was in her big episode, my dad
called me in to “help.” So when I arrived,
my mom was screaming and yelling and all
over the place. Over the coming months, I
discovered that my mom would say stuff to
me that would cause me to engage her, get
mad, get angry, cause me to argue and waste
a ton of my time.
Normally I am a super fast learner but in this
case, I took the bipolar bait, day after day,
week after week, month after month for a long
time. I am sure that it subtracted years off
my life.
My mom would say something like:
“You’re a terrible son, I can’t believe
you are doing this to me.”
I would explain how I wasn’t, I didn’t mean
to do whatever I supposedly did, why I was
sorry on and on.
“You just want to put me in the hospital forever…
you don’t love me.”
I would explain this wasn’t true for hours and
hours.
I did this for so many days that as I write this,
my head hurts from thinking about it.
It took so long to figure out this was bait.
I got the idea from fishing. In fishing you
use bait to get the fish. Bait can be a
wide variety of things but sometimes it’s
a worm.
NOTE-I have to explain what fishing is, some
people might not know, don’t make fun of them either
we have a diverse group with 90,000 people on this
list.
Okay, so you use the worm which is bait. Fish
like worms and when you put the worm, which is on
a hook in the water some fish bite on it and then
they get hooked and eventually become dinner
for someone or lunch or maybe breakfast.
When smart fish see fishing bait they
say:
“Hey, I am in the middle of
a lake and there’s a worm. Hmmm. That doesn’t
make any sense to me. Too good to be true,
I better stay away. My buddy ate one of those
floating worms the other day and I haven’t
seen him since then. This is bad and I should
stay far away. I wonder what happen to my
buddy?”
Now with bipolar bait, I find it’s one of the
most destructive things ever. And it’s not
just my mom. Bipolar disorder is a mood
disorder. It affects people’s moods. For reasons
that seem to be unknown to science, people
with bipolar disorder, sometimes try to
draw you into conflict, arguments, emotional
stuff, co-dependency, etc.
You have to watch you and avoid this like the
plague. Don’t be like me and do this for about
a year and almost have a stroke at a young
age.
I am serious, when you get “hooked” into these
conversations, it’s a huge waste of time.
HUGE!
Just me sending this email and reminding you
of the bipolar bait will be helpful. Think of
the fish. The dumb one and the smart one
and you will laugh the next time your loved
one with bipolar disorder throws out some
bipolar bait.
You’ll think, “Hey I am the smart fish,
I am not going to take a worm in the middle
of the lake.” Which really means you will
not engage in things your loved one says
that “hook” you into conflict or can
be turned around against you.
That’s another part of the bipolar disorder
bait. My mom would say stuff to me.
I want to use my c.redit cards, because
I need my medication. Give them to me.
ME: Mom, that’s not a good idea, you have
way too much d.ebt, on your c.redit cards,
why not pay in cash.
HER: Are you saying you don’t want me to
get my medication.
OLD ME: No! What I am say, is blah blah blah
(2 hours go by).
NEW ME: I would not respond and would walk
away.
In the old days, when I said something, it
was twisted and then turned around on me. OR
my mom would get me to say things that, if
taken out of context would sound really mean.
EXAMPLE:
Her: I don’t have money to pay my taxes. What
am I going to do (crying starts).
Me: Mom it’s $345 in taxes you have the money. Or
make a payment plan or something. I am tired of
paying your taxes.
Her: You don’t care? I need that money for
medication. You won’t pay it for me, what
kind of son are you.
Then my mom would repeat this over and over and
over. For like 1 hour.
Me: I am NOT paying your taxes. Period. Forget
it. Pay your own taxes. You knew that you had
to pay them. It’s your responsibility.
Her: I am going to go to jail if I don’t pay
my taxes.
Me: I don’t care but I am not paying them.
HER: I can’t believe you want me in jail.
(Crying starts again)
Normally at this point, my head would feel like
it was going to explode.
THIS IS A TRUE CONVERSATION
Notice the manipulation. Notice the bipolar
bait. Notice how my mom got me to say
I don’t care. Which then she would take that
statement out of context and tell EVERYONE
on the planet.
Her: David said he wants me in jail.
As I write this, I am laughing. It’s not funny
but it is. I have to laugh sometimes or I will
have a stroke.
Anyway, I hope you get the point about bipolar
bait. As a supporter, as you move forward try
to catch yourself. Think of the dumb fish and
don’t be one.
I know I am going to get hate mail from people
with bipolar disorder for sure. They are going
to write me:
I hate you. I am not like that.
You are a liar. You’re going to hell. You write lies
I can’t believe you are writing stuff like this
about me.
You have no idea how I stick my neck out writing
this stuff. With 90,000 people on my list, I get
flooded with complaints from people with bipolar
disorder who are ill. They get all mad at me.
Then in a week, they write back and say I am
a cool guy. I know the deal. I know it’s a
mood disorder. But most importantly, I know
that all the supporters out their need
to hear this information.
There are so many skills to learn with bipolar
disorder, whether you are supporting a loved
one or have it yourself.
If you need help:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
I have to run. Have a great day.
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com/
This comment has been removed by the author.
xx I’v spent a whole year and i never knew why..the baiting and fighting has left me so dry x depleted and angry at every slate x until i knew better i accepted the bait x ur a clever man david.. u make us understand..that the hateful behaviour has never been planned x a mind that plays tricks can never b blamed and the tenacity u show can never b shamed x S0 many munths just falling apart but i know the bad words do not come from his heart… xxbuTTerFLy – Londonxx
I do have bipolar. No, I don’t hate or think that you are going to hell. I am in an episode just now and have been looking to your site for some help… I have only been here a couple of days so I am going to be patient… but so far, not much to encourage a person with bipolar here.. But my boyfriend sure loves you… Your Mother sounds very tortured… Do yo base any of yor comments on any other Bipolar person besides her?
Dave, I just finished your email on bipolar bait and I now have a greater understanding of why my partner is so hard to deal with. We argue constantly and sometimes I feel like I’m the one with the problem. I am going to try your remedy of just walking away instead of escalating the situation.
Thank You for the info.
Lisa
Dave, you are SO right about this. I go through this with my 22 year old daughter all the time. I’m her chosen target. She doesn’t pull this on her dad–no, with her dad it’s all about manipulating him by being his sweet, helpless baby girl. But with me? I’m to blame for everything that’s gone wrong in her life. I’m the one who put her in the hospital. I’m the one who won’t pay for the gas in the car we allow her to use. I’m the selfish one because I bought myself new clothes and didn’t buy her any. I’m the one who ruined her life . . . etc. I get to where I won’t talk to her when she’s like this. Then she gets all hurt and can’t understand how I can ignore her and tells her dad I don’t love her. ARRRGGGHHH. Thanks for the fishing metaphor. It’s one my husband should relate to.
I have bipolar, and I think you make a lot of sense. Luckily I haven’t gotten to the point where I yell and scream at people, although when I’m manic I do crazy stuff like embarrass my daughter in front of her friends and buy houses I’ve never seen… but I do learn something from every email you send out, and I appreciate the time you take to send them.
This is a defining moment for me…I have taking the “bait” so many times with out even realizing it. My bipolar partner and I can be having a great time and in an instant will be in an argument that has just spiraled out of control, usually about nothing. At the end of it I always just shake my head and wonder what the heck just happend and I would always feel that he just wanted to pick a fight. I quess I have been taking the “bait” CLEVER.
Dawn
Thank you my friend. I will do my best as a smart, caring, and empathatic friend. Realizing above all that this is a human being above all and she did’nt just go out and buy this handicap at Wall mart! Time, and with God’s help, and good advice from fellow caretakers seems the best way to deal with taking the bait!
Oh my gosh, I finally get it. this is what my therapist as been trying to drill into my head for god knows how long. thanks for making it clearer. I’m not going to play the dumb fish anymore.
ok.. so for weeks now i sign up for google; get all revevv’d up to make a comment and resign up and lose my comment.. what’s the deal !!!
Soooooooooo, VERY much appreciate the past two days blogs. I’m SO there. We’re pretty new to this Bipolar thing and I’ve gotten very caught up in the ‘what do i need to take care of because she’s incapable/I’m too much in her bizness’.
Thought we were finally doing well.. both of us. My boundaries were appropriate; she’d gotten a part time job.. then blamo.. it all blows up. “Mom the only thing i have any control over is my email and my US mail and now you’re in that too” after almost missing two critical response dates because she couldn’t deal with opening her mail… sigh.
The meds are kicking in, so very much hope today we can make peace. Geez, how do they manage to trip into EVERYTHING at one time. My guilt kept me wanting to explain and her to accept what I’d done… after reading your blogs, I GOT IT !!! She’s not capable of ‘getting it’ sometimes so i need to keep it simple (mantra for today) KEEP IT SIMPLE. “Don’t get caught up in the explain game because it will go on indefinitely, one comment feeding the next”. THank you Dave
Bipolar bait wasted so much of my energy for 2 years!
I told my partner to leave because I was emotionally exhausted.
I wish the therapists would help more with their thinking combined with the meds oherwise they will never think logically.
I just read a book One Way Ticket to Kansas and that explained our relationship. I recommend the book highly
Dave, this is so true… it is so easy to get hooked in as i used to refer to it or dragged in… my mom and actually the father of my kids did this all the time in a very sophisticated manner. It was so hard for me to see actually and I continued time after time to be able to be dragged in… it was amazing how I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. It was tremendously unhealthy and does lead to complete depletion of emotions. Now that I am aware I am not letting myself be dragged in, or hooked, or baited but still I need to be aware of this constantly because it is easy to slip into old patterns and because it’s people who are very close to you…. like my own mom . My ex even though, he is overseas, tries to hook me in and drag me into a full blown situation where if I participated would leave me completely drained. It is also very unhealthy and an amazing amount of stress…if you let yourself be dragged in. Thank you so much for sharing specific examples… it helps to see how this all plays out. 🙂
thank you your messages are very informative I have a biploar disorder. you have helped my partner and me very much.
I am familiar with the bait – my fiance would threaten to leave me. The first time it happened i got upset, but the second time I realized that comment was something you’d say to someone to start a fight, so I just said, “Go ahead then.” And I disengaged with him. I’d disengage with him and walk away. He would apologize. For me disengaging from him was not only easy, but effective. But from what I’ve read a lot of people are more affected by bipolar than my fiance.He has never screamed at me or gotten aggressive and he has never gone thousands of dollars in debt. I suppose it could happen, but I am setting up ‘safety nets’ around his episodes.
Dave, Thanks for the eye opening “bait”. I have 3 children w/ the disorder, 2 which are not medicated, needless to say not in my home, and 1 at home that is medicated. My 19 yr. old son pulls me into into the same situations as your mom formerly had done to you. It’s like what you were saying on this was like a mirror image of my son and I. Thank you so much for enlightenng me on this.
Dave,
You hit it right on the head! My girlfriend would always bait me by saying those things and twisting them around so I looked like the bad guy. I don’t know how many arguments we got in over stuff like that. The only issue I have is that, walking away didn’t solve anything. It would only make her more mad. It seemed like the only way to make her happy was to agree with her and let her have her way. Sometimes she would even tell me to leave. But when I did, she would try to keep me from leaving! Talk about a lose-lose situation. So when I got so fed up and had to leave, she would cry and desperately try to get me to stay. These kinds of fights would tear me up. Then to make it worse, she would say that I was verbally abusive and that I left her all the time. Her friends would then back her up because they didn’t know the whole story. I appreciate your “bait” email. That’s a very good way to describe it!
Todays info was the most useful for me, yet. It is very gratifying to have something to label the behavior with. Not that people like labels, especially those with illness. however, as a clinician and a parent of a bipolar teen, the objectivity is most helpful. Would that a therapist directed us in this way several years ago! Learning not to get sucked in to someone’s game is difficult, and actually doing it is even more difficult. Thanks.
dave;
came across your site late last night looking for help in regards to a loved one and THANK YOU for sticking your neck out and reminding us to not be the dumb fish – i have thought every so often that maybe i was the bipolar one i’m not it’s just been very hard these last few years.
thank you for your effort and may strength be yours in continuing in all that you do.
I just sent this e-mail to my nieces. Ive been telling them for years how thier mom (my sis) does love them and the anger and outbursts must be a chemical imbalance. My sis has been through 2 docs and still no diagnosis. Do I give up on the theory that I think she is bipolar or do I keep trying to get her help? The funny thing is when I sent this I sent it to sis by accident. Boy did I start World War III!!! I am so lost I don’t know what to do for her and the family. My family has been dealing with my sister’s “moods” for seven years. I think Ive given up as of today! Any suggestion David???
This latest information about bipolar bait is, for me, the best help yet. This happens VERY often with my daughter, and in the past, I have ALWAYS taken the bait. For the past while, I haven’t, and now, with your advice, I know I’ve been doing the right thing. Thank you!!
I was told Ive had Bipolar since I was a child and I can see me after reading your article on bait I am very guilty of this and feel bad after I do this and then tell my fience Im sorry he didnt deserve it and he just tells me its okay , How can he put up with me Ive told him to leave but he wont I dont want to ruin his life I feel so guilty !because I put him thru so much hell. I lost my third sister three weeks ago and am having a hard time dealing with this and everyone tells me Im strong I ve been thru the loss of my first born and, a mother and sister all within 6 months of eachother and I can get thru this I am the Baby of 7 sisters and 4 Brothers !
If I had not lived with my BPH for 18 years I would be one of those hate emails. When he couldn’t rattle me with live bait, he started using artificals with scent attractor.Like he said before “nothing rattles you, you just bob along on the surface, going with the flow.” That’s how it looks to him. Up here we are dealing with the 10 foot chop/ Rough seas, I don’t know which scares me more, rough seas or a glassy calm. You know a real storm is brewing when it seems calm. And I have family reunion coming up. They are all wacko. So I keep on knitting.
Hello Dave,
This response is to Bipolar Bait…it is funny but so true. I started to think back and found that I wasn’t always the smartest fish in the lake.
Hate to say it but I took the bait more than once and this was before my husband was diagnosed. It doesn’t work anymore and the guilt trips have almost stopped. Thanks for the reminder!
Thank you,
Claire
Dear David,
I have Bi-Polar II. Don’t worry this is not Hate mail. I have gotten some good information from you. I like your suggestions on hunting down a good doctor one that will listen, not one that makes you wait in the lobby two hours and then rushes you out in five minutes. Sometimes you have to make them listen. I enjoyed your parking lot story. I do not have a lot of choice because I am on SSI and Medicaid but I have finally found arrangement I can live with. This is also one reason I haven’t ordered your course, maybe in the future. I hope to get back to working soon.
Anyway, there was one message I was a little disappointed in I know that your messages are geared toward supporters because that is where your experience comes from. You were talking about how if someone is in an episode you should disregard what we say and do what you and the doctors think is right. While it is true that when I’m in an episode I don’t think clearly and couldn’t see the truth if it was a train headed for me many of these people may not have done much research or bought your course and may not really know what to do. My real point is (as you have pointed out in other messages but I don’t believe you did in that one) there are lousy doctors. If your loved one is in an episode bad enough to require hospitalization, you don’t have to immediately go with what that doctor says just because he runs the unit and has a degree. Get a second and third opinion from other doctors, NAMI, talk to others!
Yes, I do have a personal resentment. At one point, I was in a depressive phase and got hospitalized. My doctor decided I needed ECT treatments. I tried to refuse so he took me to court had me deemed incompetent and my mother was assigned as treatment guardian I thought she would stand up for me but she signed off because he was the doctor he must know best. Not only did the treatments not help but also I lost around a year or so of my memory, a tooth was knocked out and I still ended up in the state mental hospital where I hung myself and ended up on life support. Very few doctors in the U.S. still use ECT’s because most of them consider it archaic and barbaric. I just ended up near one that does. Anyway, I would much appreciate your thoughts on this
well that is great information. it is something i needed to hear my wife uses bait on me all the time. i have allowed it to drive a wedge in between us, that i try to make up for but of course she just uses that its a bad cycle. anyway that is great information i wihs your course was cheaper so i could afford it. thanks for all the free GREAT information.. abilene,texas
I have Bipolar Disorder and did something really stupid-I stopped taking my meds because I didnt feel they were working now I am at a really unsafe low.Your article on Bait was a real eyeopener.I find myself doing that and dont know why.
It is one of the most interesting and funniest I’ve read so far. Interesting, becos you are so smart to recognize the commication ‘pattern’ and came up with a definitive term ‘bipolar bait’ so that it helps one to be more alert, more aware and less reactive the next time. Funny (I actually laugh while reading your email) becos … I could identify with you: durng most of the exhaustive, heart-and-head-rending talking sessions that I had with my bf (supposedly suffering from BP), I really thought I was going to have a stroke too or my head was going to burst anytime! Thank you for this email. It is really very enlightening and eye-opening.
Great idea about the smart
fish and not taking the bait.
Don’t let negative e-mails
distract you–walk away from
them as you would your mother.
Pat
David,
I loved this email! I live with my partner who has bipolar and he has been in and out of an episode since March. Thanks to the good old NHS we have been waiting to see a pyschriatrist for three weeks (this was apparantly rushed through!)I am exhausted by “bipolar bait” this is how i know that he is ill. I know because i mysteriously start to get everything wrong!!! It still takes me some time to realise that actually i’m not doing anything different but still find it very hard to stand up to him as he is so sure he is right!I try very hard not to take it personally but will admit to being worn down by the constant criticism about how small i should have cut up the mushrooms to put in to the pasta sauce, or which way i should or shouldn’t have driven. You’re absolutely right, you never read about this stuff in books. I feel so empowered that this is a real part of bipolar disorder and i hope it will give me the confidence to deal with it much more effectively!
Thankyou!!! Lucy
Hi Dave, Have just read your mail about bait and I recognised it straight away, it did make me laugh because the conversations with your Mum just reminded me of some of the things I’ve said to my Son when I’ve been ill. The info you give out is so helpful cos no one ever tells you these things. I think your a godsend so bless you. You have been helping me to understand and help manage my condition.
Hi Dave – I have been receiving your emails for about a week now and I can’t tell you how much I need them. I have been BP since I was about 17 yrs old, but now at 38 I was finally diagnosed. Reading your email on Bipolar Bait made my “out of nowhere” outbursts FINALLY make some sort of sence while I laughed and cried at the same time. The hardest thing for me w/ BP is looking back at the destruction Ive caused w/honesty, but YOUR honesty and desire to help us ALL gives me a new set of eyes to see through on this disorder. I have to giggle at your emails and at my disorder too, or I would cry all the time.