What happens when the person who HAS bipolar is NOT given the right treatment or attention when needed? Do we carry a notebook and pen, and take names? No one takes us seriously when we’re in a manic episode – that is the TRUTH.

When I’ve been hospitalized and KNOW that the meds they put me on are WRONG, how to I have redress to my condition? As I’ve stated before on these blogs, one psychiatrist kept giving me meds that reduced my appetite, leaving me a 78-lb weakling, transferred to a State Mental Hospital to DIE! My beloved mother didn’t have a clue what to do, and I had no where/no one to turn to.

Now, I have NO supporter – I am strictly on my own. Who will come to my aid when/if I am hospitalized again for mania? It seems to me that I should be given the decency to question my treatment options and be proactive IN those treatments.

If you have an answer, I’d like to hear it. Thanks for your emails – they are VERY instructive…

I am shocked to read that you want to give more attention to these people who are getting so much to begin with as they tear down, verbally abuse, come in and out of their spouses lives on a whim, do things that break the hearts of their supporters over and over again-and here we are EXPECTED because we love them to just endure, concentrate on them because they have a mental illness(which we all now by now, is manageable with medication and therapy)Bipolar is a reason for their bad behavior BUT not an excuse. It doesnt make it ok to abuse anyone-the best thing I have realized from dealing with my husband’s bipolar is that I have to take care of myself, get the therapy I need so that I dont burn out and fall into a depression of my own because of his mental abuse. I am just as important as a supporter as he is as a patient. When you are told what is wrong with you and what things you must do to keep yourself stable-if you are over 18-why not take charge of yourself buy taking your meds everyday, getting regular counseling, and keeping a mood chart to track your own behavior before it gets so out of control that you hurt and alienate everyone who is trying to help you. Supporters should definetely get the help they need-abuse wears down the strongest of us and God knows if you are living with a Bipolar person who has manic episodes often-you are probably in need of some venting and possibly an antidepressant yourself to help you get through dealing with the ill person

Dave,

I read your comment on what Evan and Demi wrote. Well my question to you is how do you deal with a situation with someone who is not on any type of medication at all and does not receive any type of treatment? My ex husband is bipolar and has been diagnosed but he refuses to receive treatment. How do I deal with him when he is either using the turn around on me or when he changes things around. It also seems like his mind distorts things and makes him react to things that were not even said to him. For example, if he is on a rampage for whatever reason and he calls me at times I wont want to talk to him. If my boyfriend tells him listen I am not putting her on because you are acting irrational and I dont want any arguing right now, he will then turn around and say that he was told that he was going to get beat up and that he is not allowed to talk to me anymore. Something to that affect. If there is somehting that he did, he usually finds away not to be at fault. For example, a year and a half ago he broke into my home and did some damage to my car. He went to court and they gave him some anger management classes and he also needed to pay some fines. he in turn stated well because of that he was never going to go near my house again because it was my fault that he was in this situation and he received this judgement from the judge. Instead of him saying I messed up Im sorry, it now becomes my fault that he has to pay a fine and court costs… what do I do then … O

Dear Dave;
Thank you for the information. My situation is a bit different than the ones mentioned in your letters.
In my case, I have realized that the man I have fallen in love with is bipolar. It has caused great turmoil and heartache in our relationship.
I want to help him. I love him. But I do not want to marry someone who can never be well. I have experienced this before. That marriage almost claimed my life. I realized too late that my ex was bipolar and schizophrenic.
What are the odds of it happening TWICE? I am about to breach the subject with him.
He exhibits some of the symptoms you revealed. My guess is that it is going from one “stage” to another at this time.
I believe that he will admit it. We shall see.
I will write and let you know what happens. I hope that, down the road, I do not need your program.
But if I should; I will purchase it.
Sincerely,
Songbird

I too agree that supporters are not wrong to seek therapy, partly so they don’t fall apart, partly because they need to see to their own needs (as people have been saying here) and partly because some aspects of at least some forms of bipolar disorder are not located wholly in the “ill” person. I think it can be in some degree a relationship disorder. I remember Dave saying at one point how his mother used to be much “worse” with him and his dad than with some other people because she knew she could get away with it. Being able to do all the stuff Dave advocates, including seeking treatment for the person you are supporting, often takes therapy. I think Dave sees therapy for supporters as making them ever more able to “enable” (in the bad sense of taking responsibility away from them) the unstable person. But therapy for the supporter can be positive and indeed necessary, if it helps them to develop the strength to do all the stuff that Dave advocates — achieving enough emotional distance not to take it all personally, developing and carrying out plans, successfully asserting oneself with the unstable person (who is used to using the instability to get what they want). None of that stuff is easy, and plenty of people, myself certainly included, need all the help we can get, often starting with therapy.

Dave,
I think that as a parent supporting a 10 year old with bipolar disorder I would collapse without my own therapy. Children manifest the disorder differently than adults with things like rapid cycling and extereme difficulty getting them stabilized because their bodies are still growing, changing and some of the meds aren’t suitable for girls going through puberty. Could you speak to some of the issues parents face. I do have your course for parents but is there anything else you can share?
Margaret

I am SO RELIEVED to FINALLY see so many comments from those whose feelings toward bipolar supporting so closely paralleled my own… David, perhaps your mom’s bipolar is different from many of us — my own mother IS bipolar, she lies and manipulates nonstop, she abuses and apologizes all ON medication — which, when you put all them together, makes me totally agree with the comment you wrote from someone in your email today: “I am frustrated beyond my own sanity anymore to get through the day” and “all the mental and verbal abuse I suffer from.. is all so overwhelming. I’m beginning to think I want off this trainwreck.” I’m 42 years old and was raised ALONE with my seriously bipolar mother, whom everyone had left or abandoned because she is simply so EXTREMELY painful to know or befriend. I am the only one left in her life trying to help her HAVE a life, she is on meds and regularly gets good support (weekly) from a therapist and monthly from a psychiatrist — but THE PAIN AND OVERWHELMING BURDEN of this is huge, quite honestly, it feels like SUPPORTING her life is TAKING AWAY my own. I still agree with the person’s comment about how just putting up with someone like this — even when they are doing **better** can be so difficult, so painful. The behavior my mother very commonly dishes out, even under treatment, is just way beyond what I would put up with from anyone else. I explained to my friend recently that just dealing with her feels like repeatedly getting hit in the head with a baseball bat by our **loved one** and in between hits, they keep saying, **I’m sorry, I love you, please help me…!** How far do we take this? I feel bad sometimes reading your messages about how we should support our **loved ones** or how best to do it — and YOUR EMAILS are so VERY RIGHT-ON and so VERY HELPFUL, but still — I have to say, this is absolutely and completely a full-time job, that I am reaching a point where I think even Mother Teresa wouldn’t keep up. There are a lot of comments on the blog today about this — WE ARE TIRED as caregivers, we feel BATTERED and in fact, we ARE — and at some point, i do think they use (or CAN use) this their illness as an excuse to keep dishing it out. I know MY mother does. My father who divorced my mother YEARS ago (which is why I was raised ALONE with her, while she had NO treatment and which is the ONLY thing I feel perhaps he did wrong) said that helping her is like saving someone from drowning, and all the while you are kicking and choking trying to save them, they are pushing you down under deeper and getting on top of you… at some point, he said — even a lifeguard knows what you do — you just have to let go of them to save yourself. I assume you have felt this, but perhaps after my own 42 years at this, I am weary of this lifeguarding. I would like a life of my own, which is something my mother — medicated or not, having a **good week** or not — very much seems to resent.
The lies, the manipulation – – much of it IS controllable and they CHOOSE not to, and I’m sorry, but i think it’s obvious from the blog today… a lot of people are TIRED. We want the best for them, YES — but should ANYONE be allowed to ABUSE the way they do, and still expect help? My mom has received SO much help from SO many people all her life, to the point that it has been PAINFUL to many — and she STILL to this day insists that **no one EVER helped her**. It just boggles the mind. It’s too much to bear.

I am SO RELIEVED to FINALLY see so many comments from those whose feelings toward bipolar supporting so closely paralleled my own… David, perhaps your mom’s bipolar is different from many of us — my own mother IS bipolar, she lies and manipulates nonstop, she abuses and apologizes all ON medication — which, when you put all them together, makes me totally agree with the comment you wrote from someone in your email today: “I am frustrated beyond my own sanity anymore to get through the day” and “all the mental and verbal abuse I suffer from.. is all so overwhelming. I’m beginning to think I want off this trainwreck.” I’m 42 years old and was raised ALONE with my seriously bipolar mother, whom everyone had left or abandoned because she is simply so EXTREMELY painful to know or befriend. I am the only one left in her life trying to help her HAVE a life, she is on meds and regularly gets good support (weekly) from a therapist and monthly from a psychiatrist — but THE PAIN AND OVERWHELMING BURDEN of this is huge, quite honestly, it feels like SUPPORTING her life is TAKING AWAY my own. I still agree with the person’s comment about how just putting up with someone like this — even when they are doing **better** can be so difficult, so painful. The behavior my mother very commonly dishes out, even under treatment, is just way beyond what I would put up with from anyone else. I explained to my friend recently that just dealing with her feels like repeatedly getting hit in the head with a baseball bat by our **loved one** and in between hits, they keep saying, **I’m sorry, I love you, please help me…!** How far do we take this? I feel bad sometimes reading your messages about how we should support our **loved ones** or how best to do it — and YOUR EMAILS are so VERY RIGHT-ON and so VERY HELPFUL, but still — I have to say, this is absolutely and completely a full-time job, that I am reaching a point where I think even Mother Teresa wouldn’t keep up. There are a lot of comments on the blog today about this — WE ARE TIRED as caregivers, we feel BATTERED and in fact, we ARE — and at some point, i do think they use (or CAN use) this their illness as an excuse to keep dishing it out. I know MY mother does. My father who divorced my mother YEARS ago (which is why I was raised ALONE with her, while she had NO treatment and which is the ONLY thing I feel perhaps he did wrong) said that helping her is like saving someone from drowning, and all the while you are kicking and choking trying to save them, they are pushing you down under deeper and getting on top of you… at some point, he said — even a lifeguard knows what you do — you just have to let go of them to save yourself. I assume you have felt this, but perhaps after my own 42 years at this, I am weary of this lifeguarding. I would like a life of my own, which is something my mother — medicated or not, having a **good week** or not — very much seems to resent.
The lies, the manipulation – – much of it IS controllable and they CHOOSE not to, and I’m sorry, but i think it’s obvious from the blog today… a lot of people are TIRED. We want the best for them, YES — but should ANYONE be allowed to ABUSE the way they do, and still expect help? My mom has received SO much help from SO many people all her life, to the point that it has been PAINFUL to many — and she STILL to this day insists that **no one EVER helped her**. It just boggles the mind. It’s too much to bear.

I’m putting my hand up as another person who disagrees with the email about supporters not needing therapy.My partner is in the depths of a bipolar episode right now & if it weren’t for my time out & understanding people who listen I have no idea how I would make it through every day.The mental health of the supporters has to be taken into consideration as well.Being lied to,manipulated & left without a cent in the bank can be soul destroying & devastating.I’m sure every bipolar supporter can relate to this,even you Dave.

The man I fell madly in love with is a good man behind all of this,we’ve had the most incredible relationship the rest of the time but bipolar strips away the trust & that’s something that is impossible to get through without help.
While we struggle through each day your emails have provided comfort in knowing there are others out there who understand & see why I refuse to walk away.
Thank you.
Karen

My nine year old daughter has BP and we have been doing couseling individually and as a family since she was diagnosed four years ago. I think that it has its place depending on the family. Although her treatment is the most important, if a family is not strong as a unit it is just as tragic as if she was untreated. We are her support but we needed support too. It has been a long road but it is less bummpy than it used to be.