Hi,
Hope this is a good day for you.
I was talking to a person yesterday who was complaining about having problems with his business. He really was having a hard time. he had lots of problems.
I listened carefully.
Then I said, “What have you done to fix all these problems?”
He said, “Everything.”
I asked, “Like what?” But he couldn’t give me an answer.
I said, “Why don’t you try thinking?”
And he got mad at me!
Then I explained. I told him that he should really spend some quality time thinking about the problem AND the potential solutions. See, I am a solution- oriented person, and that’s the way I approach things.
So that’s the way I approach bipolar disorder, too. I find with the BP it’s the same thing.
People with the disorder and their loved ones say that they have tons of problems and that they can’t figure out any solutions to them (no offense).
They are always REACTING instead of ACTING. See what I mean? See the difference?
I heard someone say once that “Life is 1% what happens to you and 99% your reaction to it.”
I like that, because it illustrates what I’m talking about. If you have a problem, you have to look for a solution to it. Ok, so sometimes the solution isn’t so obvious. But it’s there, it really is.
Think about just one of your problems. Just one.
Then take one hour and brainstorm solutions to it.
Some solutions may be easy, and others may be hard. Some may be impossible. But you can still consider them. (Someone said, “The impossible just takes a little longer.”)
Some solutions may seem downright silly. But you can still consider them. They may even be the very solution you’re looking for!
The solution you’re looking for may be staring you right in the face. But you won’t know until you try brainstorming solutions to your problem.
In my courses/systems below, I talk about problem- solving; about being solution-oriented, and about being PROACTIVE:
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You have to be PROACTIVE if you want to get out of your problems and into your solutions.
Like the guy I was talking about who had all the business problems. At first he got mad at me, but then he understood my point.
No one else is going to come up with your solutions for you. You have to come up with them yourself. That’s what being PROACTIVE means. So if you have bipolar disorder, or if you are a supporter of a loved one who has the disorder and you are stuck on a problem that doesn’t seem to have a solution, try this:
Write down the problem. Then write down a list of brainstormed ideas of solutions to that problem. again, no matter how complicated, or impossible, or even how silly. I guarantee, that solution is there somewhere. If not, keep trying until you arrive at
that solution.
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David, i am diagnose with a borderline disorder. And i just met this person in a group, we became friends. i know,i am a caring person,who thinks of everyone’s illnesses and problems before i even think of myself. I know she has been very upset do to family issues. I remember her saying ”Don’t worry about me” I am fine”. I did not hear from her over 2 weeks, so i was calling and no answer, I guess,i made a mistake by driving over to her house this pass Friday. Her husband answered the door,and said ”She’s sleeping” i was concerned,that is why i drove over. i thought maybe,she left or did something uncalled for. When i got back home,she left a screaming message,on my machine ”saying I said, i will call you when i feel better. That i pounded on her door,and i know the fact,i did not. She once told me her husband does not answer the phone at all? She told me,i woke her up, and screamed on the machine, i have a migrane. She never told me that, I feel really hurt. because,i already lost 2 friends all ready. and loss my mother. in March, and i was with her in her house at the time. I have a question, Is it pretty hard,for someone with bipolar and borderline to get along??
I have a 24 year old daughter that has bipolar and has remained in denial since 2004. She managed to finish a BA degree in psychology in 2006. She has presently hit rock bottom as far as I’m concerned but still is in denial. She would prefer to be an exotic dancer (life of drugs and perverts) and recently I learned even go as far as being an escort (prostitute). Unfortunately, in the last 6 months she has gives it away or buys drugs with it. Her choices cause an alienation of her mother and her father is mentall ill and refuses to help. I have offered several solutions like going back to school to work in a creative field of her choice. She has been Baker acted twice in the past 2 months, refuses to comply with drs. orders and hates me. How in the hell do you find a solution to a problem when the doctors can never find a tolerable cocktail.
Hi.
This time I purely agree with you.
Once I heard someone saying: “There are no problems…Only solutions!”…
Bye-bye
Maybe some of you can help me brainstorm solutions to my problems. I have not been able to come up with solutions, other than the ‘permanent one.’
1) I currently have a temporary job, but will only last until Labor Day.
2) I am having difficulty meeting the bills
3) My landlord has threatened to evict us
4) My family helped us out with one bill ONE time, but says ONE time only
5) I have gone through all my 401-K and have not yet paid IRS
6) My psychiatrist is giving me until Labor Day to find someone else
7) I have to pay $400 COBRA, but ran out of Mental Health visits in June
8) I tried to get into a local mental health facility but there is a 2-mo wait
9) I tried to get an emergent appointment, but the therapists are nasty –
10) I have a 73-yr old disabled mom living with me & I can’t get her to the
doctor – she has an open wound on her foot & needs weekly care.
11) I’ve taken food from local food pantries to get us by for awhile –
groceries are expensive
11) The check engine light on my car is on, all the gages are going all
the place, but the car is still running, I pray, anyway
12) I applied for SSDI but have not been approved, so I had no choice but
to at least work temp for money
13) My family thinks I am a ‘lazy good for nothing’ and am a begger,
trying to get ‘all their money’ and they want me to do a written
budget and send to them. I don’t waste money, I don’t have money-
I can’t even pay the bills I do have. Why do you suppose they’d want
to ask for a budget if they only want to give me criticism and say they
would only help with one bill one time only? Their money comes with
a cost of destructive criticism.
14) The family wants my mom to move out and find her own apartment.
They think that she is not doing well with me. They are correct about
that, at least. But, she is disabled, and can’t walk or drive. They did
not offer to help her find a place to live. And, they really did not say
where they think I should live. I think they want me to go away,
permanently. The family is extremely wealthy – lawyers, doctors, etc.
So, you get the idea.
Well, here’s a list of the biggest 14 problems. I know I have more, maybe everyone can come up with some ideas on this ‘brainstorming topic’ today because I am out of ideas. My way of resolving this is to end it.
Thanks everyone.
The previous information has a practical application. When we face up to issues that are difficult, it is amazing that we can better solve our challenges when we face up to them. Complaining about them is pretty useless if that is our only response. We have some members of our bipolar support who will dominate the discussion if allowed. To move on to another person to get them into the conversation seems to work. Another solution is to use a timer so others can speak also, especially the quieter ones who won’t tend to interrupt the more vocal ones.
Short messages in our discussion are best done so we can give others a chance to express their solution to the lengthy talkers. Using a timer will work.
Thank you everyone, if you would like, you may personally email me with your ideas/suggestions –
tweet1@Q.com
As I have mentioned, I have lots and lots of problems…and only one solution. So, I am grateful for anyone who wants to offer advice (positive only, please).
Thanks!
When I first started getting notices from the IRS, I didn’t even know what they were for. This was in June of last year. In February, I finally made an appointment with the CPA who did my taxes. She said there was a “sale of principal residence” capital gains tax that was owed that year! Well, why didn’t SHE know about it??!! That was for 2005, and she waited until 02/08 to let me know??
I was blindsided; didn’t know WHAT to do, as I kept getting notices from both the IRS and Dept. of Taxation – soon, my debt climbed to over $25,000. What to do…well, I “brainstormed,” as David calls it, and decided to become proactive, as I have NO supporter to advise or help me.
I had a Note for $25,000 owed to me since 2004 that I decided to collect. A good friend turned me on to an attorney who said she would help. Although I haven’t heard from her, the wheels are in motion, and I feel as if I am being proactive in this case. I’m also considering suing my CPA for NOT doing her job in the first place.
Also, I was on morphine for 7 years, and was starting to abuse it, taking 2 instead of 1, although I only had a prescription for one a day for a month, so would run out in the middle of the month. That was NOT the solution. I went to my Pain Specialist, and asked him for the Fentanyl patch, which I had heard good things about. I am now virtually “pain free” after 10 years of intractable back pain.
My ex-boyfriend (for now – he told me he didn’t love me, and I deserve better), has come back into my life to help me set up a website and home business. He’s been married 4 times, which is a “red flag” as far as I’m concerned. He’s going to have to prove himself to me before I take him back, if that’s even what I want.
So, Dave, “brainstorming” CAN and WILL work; all you need is the patience and willingness to HELP solve your problems on your own. And if you can’t do it on your own, have the PEOPLE who KNOW what to do help you do it with you.
As far as being “proactive,” I was NEVER that way until all these things came crashing down on me at one time. I’m a little “hyper” for the last few months, but am standing strong in the vise of all these problems. At least, they have solutions.
BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good.
IMO the key part of David’s advice is to write down the problem.
That said …. Tried them all, I feel for you, I really do. I can empathise. I must seem like living in the middle of a briar patch, like where do you start? And they prick! Solutions can hurt – they can prick. And that briar patch – everything is tangled up with everything else. It seems you can’t clear one problem without having to start on another to make way for the first … and then, yuou find another that has to be cleared before you can fix the other one that you have to fix before you can clear the first one … A nightmare. Right? Yeah, been there, read the book, seen the film, got the t-shirt.
So, what do you do? Okay. You are looking at an elephant size problem. How do you eat an elephant? Simple: one bite at a time! You may need help chewing it but that’s what you have to do.
PRIORITISE: List the problems in a priority square.
Draw a square and divide it into 9 boxes, three down and three across. Along the top against each square write: Vital; Important; Not important. Down the side against each write: Urgent, Fairly Urgent; Not Urgent. Next write each problem down int he squares according to those headings – e.g. The car issue might be Not Important and Not urgent because you may feel you can still get around with public transport, on a bike or walk. Right?
When you’ve completed that, you can priorities and get to work … This is the easy bit: Anything in the square that’s Not Urgent and Not important – don’t do it! In fact, don’t bother yourself with ANY of he stuff that is Not Important. Consider carefully each bit – is it REALLY important? Like the car – is it really important for you to have a car? Can you get around by other ways? Hey, if you walk you’ll not only get fit AND feel better, you’ll save tons of money because you’ll not having to tax, insure, maintain and buy GAS for it!!!
Look for the ones that are Urgent and Vital first. Then Urgent and Important. And so on.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help, for advice. Yu have rich relatives? Well, you don’t have to beg money off them – if they’re rich they are that way because their smart, to use their intellect and knowledge to help you – i.e. you go to one of them and show them your list of problems. Make it clear you are not there to beg money, just to ask for their ideas on how you might solve the problems. You brain storm THEM! (If you’re depressed, brainstorming isn’t easy to do – so you get someone else to do that hard work for you!!! LOL! BTW, if you were a manager, that’s called “delegation”!!)
Also look for specialist problem solvers. In the UK we have a voluntary organisation called The Citizens’ Advice Bureau. These people know lots of things! And where they don’t know it, they usually know someone who does. One thing they are really good at is debt counselling.
So, is $$$s is the biggest problem? You don’t know how to fix it? Pour out that trouble to a debt counsellor. You’ll be surprise what those people know that can help get you out of really big holes. Apply yourself to the advice they give and you should probably find a way to manage the debt and keep the landlord et al happy, and you might not need any help from your family. If you do they will at least be satisfied to see you have a plan.
Next bite? Perhaps that’s changing your pDoc because, going forward, you’ll be no good to anyone, least of all yourself, if your mental health takes a dive. Look up some in the phone directory, visit them, pick one that you feel comfortable with.
Etc.. Now, before you say anything like “..that won’t work …” give it a try.
Once a BP individual starts to brainstorm, they ned someone else there. My experience as a BP person is that I can get fantastic ideas which are totally unreasonable. I need that extra person along the jouney to bring me back down to realistic. BP individuals love to brain storm. We get to think we can accomplish “great things”. I always have someone along to bring me back to earth. That is my experience and advise about BP’s brain storming.
Agree with you…But need skills to be proactive . This is related to ones personality, either proactive or reactive
NOTE TO JAMES T. GREENE:
Lots of Bipolar sufferers feel the need to vent, and a lot of them tend to “ramble on”. It is helpful and cathartic…and is actually encouraged, not discouraged, on this particular forum. If one needs to get something off one’s chest on one particular day, this is a good, harmless place to do so, as long as what you have to say is contribuing in some way, and not offensive to others. People like Suzanne, Graham Nelson, Helen M. and lots more, some days have (a lot) more to say than others, but I always look forward to their intelligent, well-thought comments, whether they need to use 5,000 words that day or 50. Please bear in mind that this forum is for us B/P sufferers as well as their supporters.
i am a supporter of a boyfriend that is bi-polar. in the last year he has quit taking his paxial, and replaced it with diet pills. he says that they have the same effect as what the paxial does without the tired feel all the time. i haven’t said anything to him yet , but the research that i have done so far says the total oppisite. i have been in a relationship with this 44yr old man for 4 yrs and we have been living together for a year. the last month he has been extreme moods, there is no medium. the bills aren’t getting taken care of , he has lied to me over stuff that doesn’t matter. and now i have found out that he is having an affair. i am begging for help. i love this man with all my heart. i strongly believe that these events would not have taken place if it were not for the diet pills . i would be grateful if you could please share with me any information that you might have on this subject . i need the love of my life back soon or will loose him forever. please help me save my relationship and my best friend.
sincerely,
Steffony
PROACTIVITY (REACTIVE)
The language from a basic paradigm of determinism. And the whole spirit of it is the transfer of responsibility. If I am not responsible notable to choose my response. They are determine. They also feel increasingly victimised and out of control and not in charge of their life or destiny. They blame outside forces, other people or circumstances for their own situation.
No longer will I be controlled by the treatment of people. We all know of individuals that go through very difficult circumstances, perhaps terminal illness, a severe handicap, who maintain emotional strength. We are an inspiration of such courage. Difficult circumstances always create paradigm shift. Whole frame – how people see the world and themselves and others in it, and what life is asking of them.
proactivity is part of human nature, although proactive muscles may be dormant, they are their.
To become more self-aware regarding our own degree of proactivity is to look at where we focus our time and energy. We each have a wide range of concerns – our health, children, problems at work, school, home – national debt (finance).
We could seperate those from things in which we have no particular mental or emotional involvement by creating a “circle of concern”.
SOMETHING OUTSIDE ME (LIMITED TIME IS CONTROLLING ME).
If only my husband were more patient. “SOMEONE ELSE’S BEHAVIOUR IS LIMITING MY EFFECTIVENESS”.
“I HAVE TO DO IT”.
CIRCUMSTANCES “OR OTHER PEOPLE ARE FORCING ME TO DO WHAT I DO.
I AM NOT FREE TO CHOOSE MY OWN ACTION”
REACTIVE LANGUAGE PROACTIVE
There’s nothing I can do. Let’s look at our alternatives
That’s just the way I am. I can choose a different approach
He makes me so mad. I control my own feelings.
They won’t allow that. I can create an effective presentation
I can’t I will choose an appropriate response
In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They are driven by feelings. We believe that we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings control our actions. It is because we have abducted our responsibility and empowered them to do so.
Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do; the sacrifices you make, the giving of self, like a mother bring a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for other, even for people who offend or do not love in return.
If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a value that is actualised through loving action. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured.
PROACTIVE MODEL
We are responsible for our own lives – our behaviour is a function of our decisions not our conditions. We can subordinate feelings to values. We have the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen. Look at the word “responsibility” -“response – ability the ability to choose your response. Highly proactive people recognise that responsibility. They do not blame circumstances, conditions or conditioning for this behaviour. Behaviour is a product of their own conscious choice based on values, rather than a product of their conditions based on values, rather than a product of their conditions based on feelings.
Because we are by nature proactive, if our lives are a function of conditions and conditioning, it is because we have by conscious decision or by default – chosen to empower those things to control us.
By making such a choice, we become reactive people – Reactive people are often affected by their physical environment. If the weather is good, they feel good.
In addition to self-awareness we have imagination – the ability to create in our own minds beyond our present reality, we have a conscience – a deep inner awareness – of right and wrong – of the principles that govern our behaviour. A sense of the degree to which our thought and actions are in harmony with them.
We have an independent will. The ability to act based on our self-awareness, free of all other influences. Between our stimulus and response is our greatest power – the freedom to choose.
“Proactivity defined”
The most basic habit of a highly effective person in any environment the habit of proactivity. Proactive means merely taking initiative.
stimulus Freedom to choose Response
self-awareness Independent will
IMAGINATION Consciense
I am bipolar and I have taken care of a few of my problems. I have a solution.
My immediate family doesn’t want to work with me b/c of BP. I have ordered David’s material & none of them has even attempted to read any of it. They think that everytime I cry or feel down one day, that I am going into an episode. David sent out an email about this a few days ago. I no longer ask them to read anything of the material that I have or read any of David’s emails. It is pointless. They will have to live with their choices just like I have to live with mine.
I have never gotten off of my medication & don’t plan to. I go to my doctor & whatever else I need to. Reading David’s emails help me alot. They just don’t realize how lucky they are that I’m proactive. If they ever choose to read any of these emails, they might see this.
I am just a thorn in their side b/c of the BP. I will be moving out & living with my sister. The thorn will no longer be there plus this will do away with there stress of dealing with BP. I actually feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I don’t regret my decision.
We have lost our house (foreclosure). My kids & their Dad will be moving into an apartment in town. I have a daughter that is getting married in Dec. 2008. She doesn’t involve me in anything about the wedding which hurts. This is her choice & we will both have to live with it.I have mixed emotions about going to the wedding.
Alot of my family doesn’t understand why I’m embarressed about the foreclosure & that I can’t contribute to the wedding financially. They also don’t understand why I’m embarressed about having BP. David also had an email about this. I don’t want to take the chance of finding out that someone has a negative attitude about BP and then I regret that I even mentioned it.
My heart goes out to all of you that are having problems & finding a solution. Sometimes they are hard and sometimes they are not.
Wish you all the best.
PS This is a place to vent & really feel like someone understands. My opinion, write as much as you want.