Hi, i have a question which is nothing to do with todays reading but i dont know where else to ask.
I know someone who is supporting her husband who suffers with bi-polar, i thought maybe if she got the mails i get each day on themailing list she could understand her husband better because she is going out of her mind at the moment, she really is at the edge of it all, however i cant remember how i got on to the mailing list and wanted to know if you could help me so i can tell this person.

I love getting the mails everyday, i suffer with bi-polar and david really helps brighten my day knowing im not alone in all of this.

Thanks

Hello, I’ve written to you before about the challenges I have in my life and how these circumstances affect me. It is true what you’ve written in your newsletter today. I’m closer to understanding the dynamics of the illness and how this affects my loved one, and in turn, how this has also affected my personal stability.

I’ve had a very difficult week dealing with the aftermath of this relationship. Please understand. I no longer feel the need to be judgmental. I feel most productive being reflective, and to understand how I came to be in this situation. I chose not to set boundaries despite my own instincts that set off those “red flags” I’ve been more aware of since I started my own treatment and recovery. This treatment and recovery are for trauma and PTSD related to stalking and sexual assault.

After surviving the first holiday season alone, without my deceased spouse, I felt I was making significant progress when “K“ and I met. When I started dating “K” I had strong, well defined goals in place. These goals helped me to maintain a sense of worth and my own self esteem when small disruptions with “K” started to catch me unaware. I followed through with these goals. However, you’re right. I find my response to “K” unabashedly typical.

“K” can be high energy, charming, persuasive, and sexually dynamic. I remember sharing with him in a moment of frustration, telling him, “K, you are so easy to love.” His response to me was enlightened and sparkling. “We are so therapeutic for each other,” he replied. This is not exactly the kind of response I was expecting. I recall another time he made love to me with such intensity I started to cry, wailing, “K–, I want to go home.” Victoriously, he asked me, “Where’s home?” I was shocked and amazed he didn’t remember, didn’t know or didn’t care. He really is the great pretender, the grand manipulator and a true player. I sat up, watched him and wondered about him and in confusion responded, “Savannah, K–; I want to go home to Savannah and Eric.” He shook his head and smiled. I knew he had no concept of what I’d just said to him.

Nevertheless, I held to the boundaries I’d set for myself but continued to see “K”. I knowingly and clearly recognized he has a voracious sexual appetite. He seemed to be very focused on this and sometimes obsessive. As I withdrew, and started to seek out my friends and my own activities again, I felt him becoming more possessive. He was not in control when this occurred. I recognize, now, how difficult it was for him and how hard he was struggling.

Soon, I became aware of his discrete encounters with other women, couples and perhaps, men. I honestly believe “K” loves me and would like me to be his significant other. He tried to make this clear to me as I became more aware of his other sexual encounters. While I welcomed the opportunity to explore my own sexual needs with him, our agreement from the beginning was to do this exclusively. Soon after, he began to share with me about his need to see other women and/or people. I had to make a choice about continuing the relationship. Honestly, I took the time to think about my own feelings for “K” and decided to let things coast easily for a while. I felt I wasn’t ready to be exclusive either. However, we did make an agreement, and a promise to each other, that in our relationships with others, we would use protective devices (condoms) to reserve our own freedom and intimacy. I would like to add that I never had sex with anyone else during the course of our relationship.

Confronted with his dishonesty, he justified staying together by assuring me “you are number one. Yes, I have this other stuff going on but you are number one.” Reflecting on this, I understand what he meant. I also understand that this probably won’t ever change in the course of our relationship. He will be faithful as long as I am available 24/7 to fulfill his sexual needs. I can’t do this. First, it is not physically, emotionally, financially, socially or spiritually possible. Most importantly, it is not the type of lifestyle I choose for myself.

I have a life, an existence, a career, spiritual needs, a budget, my children, my family, my friends, my companion pet. In fact, just like everyone else, I have to fix my car when it breaks down, go to the doctor when I am sick, eat and sometimes, dine; I have daily activities which contribute to taking care of myself and my welfare. I truly believe his promises to take over this part of my life were sincere. When he is on a high, he is Superman! The lows are ok. I love him just as other people I’ve loved in my life. When he needs attention I want to give this to him. My experiences and my marriage fully supported this concept of give and take to make things loving for both parties.

The surprises came from “K” because he is unable to decide whether he’s giving or taking. I’m not sure he can discern between the two. If he can’t justify it, he also is not able to define it. If he’s on a low, he can’t see what I’m trying to give. Paranoia sets in immediately and suddenly, what he is unable to justify, he simply redefines. For example, if I’m leaving his home to sleep at my apartment, because I’m tired and more comfortable sleeping in my own bed, his own need cannot allow him to justify my decision. So, he redefines the circumstances. In his own mind I’ve suddenly chosen to attend a singles’ party that doesn‘t exist. The party exists in his beliefs, but is fabricated to alleviate his own emotional conflict.

Once, I hired two men from the local rehab shelter to help me move and pack boxes at my apartment (to make more room for “K”). This was on a Friday night. “K” was scheduled to run a 1/2 marathon on Sunday morning. I love his marathon running. It makes him absolutely glow! I wanted to be sure he rested and had the stamina he needed for his run. In my marriage, Bob and I did things like this for each other. I feel a little foolish for trying to make this work with “K“. He responded with accusations that I wanted to keep him away so I could have sex with the guys who were helping with moving. In addition to other things I don’t care to mention.

“K” abruptly resigned helping me at the flea market. I didn’t have anyone to help me drive or unload the moving van. The entire $50 operation went over $300 which, I couldn’t afford. Later, sorting through our internet mailbox, I discovered he had made several contacts for that weekend in the city where the marathon was being held. These were emails from “swinging lifestyle” couples. I let the other stuff go feeling it was because he was overstressed or tired or whatever? When I arrived at his house, cheerfully, feeling like I’d taken care of things effectively despite the circumstances. He was hostile, insulting and critical. I mean he behaved downright ugly and mean.

I left his home in tears that day. He had created a reason for me not to attend the marathon with him anticipating his encounter with the swinging couples. Of course, at the time I was totally out of the loop. I went home, found someone else to help me, tried to recover financially and went to a party where I had a great time!

The swinging couples never came through. He barely finished the 1/2 marathon. He spent the weekend alone crying over his deceased wife and decided to spend the time spreading her ashes in Northern NM which, I feel was appropriate. During the following week, he showed up at my doorstep unannounced and unexpectedly with a bouquet of flowers “to make amends.” And, the cycle began again. There are many other incidents of the same nature I can relate here. I’m guessing many of you are able to predict and tell me how things fell into place.

I feel comfortable sharing with you about the beauty of knowing “K“. He has a brilliant smile. He is meticulous and very creative about home decor which I love! I teach the art of feng shui. The visual enhancements he is able to create in his home (our home) is such a pleasure to me. He loves the 60’s, the Beatles, music, the hippie lifestyle. He is an armchair historian. I love traveling with him, because, as I do, he stops at every ghost town along the way, every historical marker to read it and take a picture, and really enjoys traveling by car.

He is gentle and sensitive to me when I am lost in the issues of trauma related to my childhood and also to the rape that occurred. He is sincerely tolerant of my small and aging chihuahua, a sweet and loving little gentleman. He can whip up dinner in an instant while it may take me all day to complete something of this nature. He can allow himself to admit “I feel like I’m making love to you, Elisabeth.”

He is playful in his sexuality. He has a divine personality. He loves and admires his mother. He is kind to his sisters and tries to understand them when they are feeling depressed and also challenged by bipolar disorder.

He understands the challenges of the homeless, persons whose lives are affected by substance abuse and alcoholism, the issues of disability – whether permanent or temporary, grief and loss. He wants to make everything successful. He is driven. He will find the funds to assist someone who may be facing eviction despite his own financial struggles.

He inspires me to relax and play – like running outside in the pouring rain and splashing around in the puddles.

Or, perhaps, because he fell in love with me, I inspired him. It’s hard to tell right now.

Several years ago, I contributed an essay and film review for a class in Human Services Management. The film choices were listed by the professor who was teaching the class. I reviewed “Mr. Jones.” It was the only movie on the list I could find at Blockbuster’s at the last minute. I viewed it as a fantasy and wrote mostly about the moral and unethical behaviour of Mr. Jones’s therapist.

She falls in love with him. She allows herself to have a personal relationship with him to her own detriment. Her professional life is compromised. Her personal life is completely consumed by him. Her addiction to the energy he shares with her during his manic periods, drives the intensity of the compassion she feels for him when he is depressed. When he leaves her she is emotionally and professionally destroyed. It is not a bad life she has chosen. It’s a different life.

You choose to release common expectations for your sake and for the sake of your loved one.

Sincerely,

Elisabeth

I hadn’t had any contact with anyone with any kind of mental disorder throughout most of my life until I met my wx-husband. But based on Elisabeth’s response, my marriage with my ex- was quite similar to her relationship. I didn’t stay with him because he was violent with me and our 2 children. I hope
Elisabeth, that you are not going through that horror. Nothing is worth going through that. When my daughter was born, I knew there was something different about her, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Going through the separation and divorce, and my coming strokes and heart failure brought it all out in her. I ended up in a board and care home, my children went into foster care because their father wasn’t deemed fit enough to care for them until psyc evals were done, counseling etc. Imagine how I felt in a board and care home knowing they would go live with their father!. While in this home, some of us “girls” got together and planned how we could get out of the home for at least once a week and go somewhere. The owner made arrangments for us to go by bus to an outpatient center (there is an end to this story) where we could have a great lunch, play games, exercise, do arts and crafts. The only catch was we had to go to 3 counseling sessions while we were there and see a doctor. Well, we didn’t care, we wanted to get out for awhile. Counseling sessions got us up to speed with schizophrenic and bipolar patients. We went in there and said we were depressed. I had never heard of bipolar before and some of the patients’ stories were astonishing. I met those who were the kindest and nicest people I had ever met; then, they would tell stories about how they were going to kill or hurt somebody in a very calm voice like they were telling you what time of day it was. I just listened and watched. I felt no fear, just some amazement. End of story: when I was finally healed enough to return home, My daughter had to go get counseling and I went with her. The psychiatrist diagnosed her as bipolar 2 (however, I believe it was bipolar 1). Soooo, I guess the care home inadveertently prepared me for my daughter’s diagnosis as well. I just thought “So that is what it was”. My ex- denies he’s bipolar and refuses to accept his daughter’s diagnosis. I’ve done research, gone to libraries to try to learn about her condition, but didn’t really learn much. I talked to her doctors and counselors and they couldn’t tell me much either. I do know her meds work if she takes them. And know I can tell what is going on with her, some thru trial-an-error and some because of what I have learned from your website. Thanks so much for taking the time to help all of us–and please take care of your health better than the way I did.

Sincerely,
Nancy

Elizabeth,
you should write a book. Your writing is incredible.
I hope you find balance and peace.

Say david my bi-polar showed up as i tried to write some comments so hopefully this one goes through.It is true many people can be very successful in business,the key is to never stop learning ,some how people feel they don’t need to know things,my bpolar causes me to want to know everything i possibly can,and even when I fail at attempts at business mostly due to lack of money to finance it further,i still don’t give up.I have a wealth of iformation but noone confident inthemselves to put forth some effort to work,still I won’t give up,work is the back bone of our society.and one can’t let a little thing like a disability inan area,what if the blind gave up or the people confined to whell chairs,people who have all kinds of limitations your mind is not crippled,you just have to put it to use.well i hope this goes through this time.thanks for all your work you tirelessly put forth.keep it up.It has really helped me a lot,and i appreaciate what you do.