Bipolar Supporter Blog

Hi, how’s it going? I hope you’re having a good day.

I heard an expression the other day that I wanted to share with you: “Unless you change how you are, you’ll always have what you’ve got.”

Too many people with bipolar disorder and their supporters get to the point that they take their

condition for granted. In other words, they stop being vigilant with bipolar. They get in a rut.

Nothing’s bad, but nothing’s really good, either. Just a kind of “in between” state, where nothing changes.

Like another expression I’ve heard: “If nothing changes, nothing changes.”

Think about it. Whether you have bipolar disorder or are supporting a loved one with it, this can apply to you. But you don’t have to stay that way. As a matter of fact, staying that way can really go against you. You have to continually maintain stability and change what needs to be changed in order to do that. Even if what needs to be changed is yourself. Nobody can do that for you – you have to do it for yourself.

Other people may notice what needs to be changed – they might even tell you what needs to be

changed. But it’s up to you whether you take their advice. You are the one who, in the end,

has to do the work.

There are some things you have control over, and other things you don’t. You don’t have control over the fact that you or your loved one has bipolar disorder. Therefore, you can’t change it.

But you can change how you react to it.

First of all, you need to change the way you think about the disorder in relation to yourself: Instead of saying, “I am bipolar,” try saying, “I have bipolar.” There is a big difference.

In the first case, you’re identifying with the disorder, and it can have control over you instead of the other way around, because you believe it is what you ARE.

In the second case, you are acknowledging that you have this disorder, but you are in control of

it instead of it being in control over you, because you believe it is what you HAVE (and not who

you are).

The difference is knowing who you are outside the disorder, and it can make a big difference in

how you think about yourself.

You know how I like expressions that apply to bipolar disorder. Here’s another one that applies

to what I’m talking about: “We can have more than we’ve got because we can become more than

we are.”

Can you see how that applies to bipolar disorder?

It’s all in how you think about yourself.

You don’t have to let the bipolar disorder dictate who you are.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Whether you are the supporter or the loved one,

YOU BETTER NOT DO THIS:

Never wish you were somewhere else.

Haven’t you ever heard that old saying, “Wherever you go, there you are?” In other words, it doesn’t help to try to run from your problems, whether literally or just in your head. You can’t wish your problems away. You have to deal with them. I know it’s hard. I have to do it too. (Try being me for a day! LOL)

But NEVER wish you were somewhere else. “Somewhere else” has its problems there, too. Because, “Wherever you go, there you are.” And so are your problems. They’re still in your

head. A supporter doesn’t stop being a supporter just because they’re not home with their loved one. Running away doesn’t help. And neither does wishing you were somewhere else.

I know it’s hard dealing with a loved one with bipolar disorder. And sometimes you’d rather be somewhere else doing something else (anything else). But it doesn’t help to think that way. In fact, you better NOT think that way, because it will only get you into trouble. You have to face reality. You have to deal with what’s in front of you, good AND bad.

And there are ways to do that:

1. Remain positive

2. Be proactive

3. Maintain contact with friends

4. Maintain contact with family

5. Take care of yourself

6. Journal your thoughts and feelings

7. Exercise (it gets out your frustration)

8. See your own therapist

9. Take up a hobby

10. Go places without your loved one

These are just some suggestions. I’m sure you can think of some of your own if you try.

Another thing is that you have to separate yourself from your loved one. You have your own identity outside your loved one and outside their disorder. Make sure you remember that! Also, try to separate your loved one from their disorder. I know that’s hard sometimes, especially because you have to live with them every day, but you have to try to do it anyway.

Some people do this by looking through old photo albums or scrapbooks and remembering what their loved one was like before the disorder. Other people keep in mind what their loved one is

like when they’re not in an episode (and they’re grateful for that!).

But whatever, always keep in mind NOT to think about being somewhere else – it will ruin your trying to stay “in the moment.” You may not be in the best “moment” of your life at the moment, but at least you’ll be dealing with reality. And that’s the important thing.

When people who are supporting a loved one with bipolar disorder get off too much into the “I wish” type of thinking, they begin to resent their reality, and what they’re having to truly deal with. Then they begin to have other problems with their loved one and their relationship, besides

the bipolar disorder.

It’s hard enough dealing with things as they are. It’s even harder to try to deal with things with the interfering thoughts of how you would like them to be.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

You’ve probably heard of the concept of doing things “One Day at a Time,” right? Many people have. In fact, many people, bipolar or not, live their lives that way. Twelve step programs have One Day at a Time built into their programs, too, and people follow that. Why? Because it works. Many people can’t handle things any other way. If they try to take things more than One Day at a Time, they get stressed out or overwhelmed. That’s the truth.

But today I want to talk about something similar. I want to talk about those people who even get stressed out and overwhelmed trying to take things One Day at a Time. For those people, I would recommend an Amish saying that I heard, that goes, “Do Ye Next Thing.”

That means you don’t even have to go as far as taking things one whole day at a time – you just worry about what’s in front of you at the moment, and deal with that. Instead of being overwhelmed by everything at once, you only take one thing at a time and deal with that. It works really well when you’re dealing with a loved one with bipolar disorder.

Because their moods can shift so quickly and so often, sometimes you never know what you’re going to be dealing with at any given time. Their behavior can be so unpredictable. And that can be very frustrating. If you try to deal with their bipolar behavior as a whole, it can become overwhelming for you. But if you try the “Do Ye Next Thing” method, it might simplify things for you, and take away some of that stress.

For example, say your loved one is depressed. Your first reaction might be, “Oh no, they’re in another bipolar depressive episode again.” Whoa! Slow down! Just because they’re depressed does NOT mean they’re in a full-blown episode (at least not yet). Remember “Do Ye Next Thing.” Deal with what’s in front of you. Try to communicate with your loved one. Maybe there is a reason for their depression.

There is something called situational depression. In this case, there is something that happens that directly causes the depression, and when the situation is over, the depression goes away.

I know one case where this woman had bipolar disorder, and her young son had moved back home temporarily, causing her to get depressed. As soon as he moved out again, she stopped being depressed! It was a situational depression, not a bipolar depressive episode.

Her supporter still got her to see her psychiatrist, and she still did need a short-term medication adjustment, so they didn’t ignore it, but at least she didn’t have to go to the hospital or anything.

That’s because they used the “Do Ye Next Thing” method of coping. They dealt with just what was in front of them and nothing more. They didn’t make more out of it than there was. They didn’t panic or get stressed or overwhelmed, as many people would have in the same situation.

It could be the same with your own loved one’s bipolar behaviors. Just because they exhibit one bipolar behavior does NOT necessarily mean that they’re going into a full-blown bipolar episode.

Now, don’t get me wrong, you should still be watching for signs and symptoms of an episode so that you can catch one early, but don’t overreact, either.

Just deal with what’s in front of you to deal with. The “Do Ye Next Thing” method helps you to do that.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi, how are you today? I hope you’re fine.

Have you ever had to deal with someone who had a lot of pride? Maybe someone who could never believe they were wrong or even to admit they made a mistake? That’s pride. And pride can alienate a lot of people. People who are prideful are not the easiest people in the world to get along with.

I’ve seen this in the support groups I go to. It’s sad, really…

I hear a supporter complaining about their loved one, but not be willing to do anything to help

them – it would mean swallowing their pride. So it’s as if they feel somehow “better than” their loved one because they don’t have bipolar disorder.

Then there are other supporters who, just because their loved one might be doing better than

yours at the time, act like they have an attitude that their loved one is better than yours. That’s really bad, because you shouldn’t have to feel that way. In fact, they shouldn’t act that way, because the Bible says that pride goes before a fall. And they might find themselves in your shoes. Then when their loved one starts not doing as well, they don’t know what to do.

Swallowing your pride means asking for help when you need it, and using your (your loved one’s) support system.

Prideful people think they can do it all themselves, then are stuck when they find out that they can’t. Don’t be like that. If you are having trouble with your loved one, don’t be ashamed to ask

for help.

You can even contact their doctor, psychiatrist, and/or therapist and tell them how your loved one is acting and that you need help dealing with it. There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, there can be even more problems if you don’t.

You can easily suffer supporter burn-out if you don’t ask for help when you need it with your loved one. You can get totally stressed out trying to do everything alone. You might even get depressed. You might feel alone or lonely. You might get frustrated. You might feel disappointment. You might even get angry, resentful, or any number of negative emotions…

All because of pride. All because of not asking for help when you need it.

Maybe all you need is a break. Ask someone else in your loved one’s support system to watch

them while you do something on your own. It just might be the very thing you need to break the cycle of depression or frustration. Don’t be too proud to ask. That’s what those people are there

for – that’s why they’ve agreed to be part of your loved one’s support system. You have to be willing to let others help you. You can’t expect yourself to handle everything all by yourself all the time. Don’t ever let pride stand in your way.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews531/

Here are the news headlines:

Using Genetic Profiles to Predict Medication Response in Bipolar Disorder
DO> Very interesting article, don’t you think?

Helping the Mentally Ill to Quit Smoking
DO> This is a huge problem, with mental illness

Texas Jails Fear Influx of Mentally Ill After Budget Cuts
DO> This is so sad, isn’t it?

Charlie Sheen Donates Money to Bipolar Disorder Organization
DO> This is great, especially during these times.

Demi Lovato, Like Catherine Zeta-Jones, Has Bipolar Disorder
DO> Do you even think this is a big deal?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews531/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi, how’s it going? I hope it’s going well for you today.

You know how the smartest people know so much? They stay on top of things. You know how the richest people stay rich? They stay on top of things. You know how the best business owner gets the most business? He stays on top of things. And do you know how the best bipolar supporters become the best? They stay on top of things, too. That needs to be you.

For one thing, you need to stay knowledgeable about bipolar disorder. With information so plentiful, it should be easy to stay on top of the news and latest research on bipolar disorder. But you have to make the effort, and you have to take the responsibility. Anything new that you can learn might help your loved one to get better, you never know. So stay on top of things.

Stay in contact with your loved one’s medical and mental health professionals. Make sure there is a signed Medical Release of Information form on file at all of them, giving them permission to talk to you. Then periodically “check up” on your loved one to see how they think your loved one is really doing. This is especially important if you notice that your loved one is behaving differently from their normal self. How will you know? Well, you’ll have to stay on top of things.

Be observant of your loved one’s behavior, so that you can tell at the first sign of any kind of

irrational behavior as soon as it starts. Especially if your loved one is hallucinating or having delusions. These are easy enough to spot.

As their supporter, it is your responsibility to stay on top of things when it comes to your loved one. Because you know them best… And because you know so much about bipolar disorder…

And if you stay on top of things… You could very well mean the difference between them being

treated at home or in the hospital.

If you can catch an episode before it begins or even as it first starts, you can get your loved one the help they need before they go into a full-blown bipolar episode.

You just have to stay on top of things!

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Here’s an interesting challenge for you to think about: I dare you to be happy.

Yep, just like when we were kids, and somebody dared you to do something. Or double-dared you… I dare you to be happy.

You might ask me, “Well, Dave, how can I be happy when I suffer from bipolar disorder or

depression?” Well, I still dare you to be happy!

See, happiness is a state of mind – an attitude. It doesn’t depend on whether everything is going

right in your life. It has to do with how you FEEL about your life.

Everything doesn’t have to be perfect for you to be happy. You don’t have to have everything going your way for you to be happy. You don’t even have to have everything under control

for you to be happy. And your happiness does not depend on whether you are cured or not.

I know a person who has bipolar disorder, and she still has episodes from time to time, but she is still happy. This is because she has a good life, and even though she still has episodes (because she still has a chemical imbalance in her brain), she has learned how to manage her bipolar disorder. This woman is one of the most positive people you’d ever want to meet.

See, this is what I’m talking about. This woman still has bipolar disorder, but she is HAPPY!

It’s all about your state of mind (your attitude) towards life and your problems in it. You can choose to focus on the negative or you can choose to focus on the positive. You can choose to be unhappy or you can choose to be happy. Yes, happiness is a CHOICE. One that YOU can make!

So…I dare you to be happy!

In life, there are some things you have control over, and some things that you don’t have control over: Your attitude is one of the things you DO have control over. Regardless of your moods, or the mood swings that come with bipolar disorder, that is. And for supporters of loved ones with bipolar disorder, who might suffer with depression, it’s the same thing. You could be depressed from time to time, but you can still be happy.

I know, that sounds weird, doesn’t it? But depression is a temporary state of mind – it will pass, if you let it.

But generally speaking, you can be a positive person. You can make a CHOICE to be happy.

You can control your attitude, and still be happy with your life, you can still be happy with yourself, you can still be happy with things in general. You can change the things in your life that you have the power to change. This will make you happy. Or you can accept the things that you cannot change, which will also make you happy. Acceptance is a powerful force in itself.

And acceptance can bring happiness.

So, despite bipolar disorder, despite depression, you can still be happy, that’s what I’m saying.

So… I dare you to be happy. I double-dare you!

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

I was talking to someone the other day, and this person was complaining about her bipolar disorder.

I asked, “What’s the problem?” and she said, “Everything.”

I said, “Do you have alligators in your front yard?”

And she was like, “Huh?”

So I asked again, “Do you have alligators in your front yard?”

She said, “Umm…no. Are you ok?”

I said, “Absolutely. You just said everything was wrong, so I wanted to see if that was one of your problems.”

I asked her numerous questions, all centering around if she had clearly identified her problems and if she was thinking of solutions. She did not. So she really had no clearly defined problems.

She was just complaining about everything in general.

Guess what? If you don’ have clearly defined problems, do you know what happens? You will never have a solution to any of your problems. If you don’t have a clearly defined problem, you can’t have a clearly defined solution. It’s that simple. Not easy, but simple.

In my courses/systems below, I talk about problem-solving

and how to come up with solutions to your problems:

So let’s tackle this one step at a time.

Obviously, you don’t have alligators in your yard (at least I hope you don’t). So let’s stick to bipolar disorder.

What if you’re frustrated with your loved one? Now that’s not a clearly defined problem. That’s just a feeling. Look at it this way — Try to get away from feelings, and be more objective.

What’s the REAL problem? What are you frustrated ABOUT? Then make a list of the things that frustrate you about your loved one.

For example:

1. He won’t take his medication.

2. He keeps missing his appointments.

3. He won’t go to his support group.

4. He doesn’t listen to me.

5. He thinks I’m an idiot.

6. He doesn’t help around the house.

7. He doesn’t help with the children.

8. He feels sorry for himself.

9. He won’t go to family functions.

10. He sleeps too much.

Now you’ve got something to work with. You’ve identified some clear problems. Not all of them are clear problems, though. So then eliminate those things you can’t do anything about

and look at your list again.

For example, look at #5 (“He thinks I’m an idiot.”) How do you know he thinks that? You’re not a mind reader, so you don’t actually know what he’s thinking. This is a feeling, not a real problem. If it were a clearly defined problem, there would be a solution to it. So you eliminate #5.

But look at #4 (“He doesn’t listen to me.”) This is a clearly defined problem, because it indicates a breakdown in communication. Communication is very important in a relationship with your

loved one with bipolar disorder. You may be feeling like they don’t listen to you, but they may

feel like they are. Still, it means that you aren’t communicating, and that indicates a problem.

Clearly defined problems have clearly defined solutions, remember. So once you have found a clearly defined problem, you look for a solution.

What if you were to sit down with your loved one and say that you feel like they don’t listen to what you have to say? Or if you clearly define the problem as they are ignoring you, say that. If

you feel like they don’t turn away from the TV when you talk, say that. If you feel like they don’t respect your thoughts and opinions, say that. But be very clear about what you think the problem is. Remember, the more clearly defined the problem, the better the solution.

Are you getting the idea?

Now here’s a real important one. #1 (“He won’t take his medication.”) First of all, and this is a real important point, you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. However, you can express your feelings to them, and you can do other things.

You can remind them how important it is for them to take their medication in order to get better.

You can tell them you’ve read the statistics (1 out of 5 unmedicated people with bipolar disorder will kill themselves). You can tell them that you’re worried about them. You can tell them that you want them to get better. You can call their doctor, psychiatrist, and/or therapist and tell them that your loved one isn’t taking their medication.

You see? These are solutions to a clearly defined problem.

So first, you make a list of your problems. Then you eliminate those things that aren’t clearly defined problems. Take one clearly defined problem at a time and work on solutions for that problem. When you leave out feelings and get to a clearly defined problem (that is, you think with your head instead of your emotions)…You can find real solutions to real problems.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Have you ever heard the question asked, “If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one around to hear it fall, does it still make a sound?”

Or what about the question, “When you shut the door on your refrigerator, does the light still stay on?”

Do you believe there are people who really worry about the answers to these questions (and others like them)?

Maybe it’s because they’ve got nothing better to do with their time, or maybe because they’ve

got too much time on their hands. Maybe it’s because these types of people always have to know what’s going to happen ahead of time or they feel insecure. O maybe they just have to know all the answers to everything. These are the types of people who can’t deal with unpredictability.

But as a supporter, you have to live with this (unpredictability) all the time, since bipolar disorder is not a predictable illness. Wait. Let me take that back for a second.

Yes, you can know predictability in two ways:

1. You CAN know the signs and symptoms of the

disorder.

2. You CAN know your loved one’s warning signs

and triggers.

But you CAN’T predict when a bipolar episode is going to happen. Not even a psychiatrist can

predict that. It’s like a fortune teller predicting the future!

You also have to live with unpredictability (usually a lot of it) when your loved one is in an episode. There’s no way to predict the behavior of a person in a manic episode. Nor is there any way to predict the consequences of that behavior. (Unless, of course, you are familiar with the behavior, and you are the one who has set down the consequences for the behavior, like if it has happened before, or something like that.) Otherwise, you just have to deal with the unpredictability of it.

Your loved one may go off on a spending spree. They may exhibit sexually promiscuous behavior. They may go gambling. They may exhibit other impulsive risk-taking behaviors.

They may take the checkbook and/or credit cards and put you into debt. They may make foolish business decisions or ventures. They may do other behaviors that you can’t predict during their episode.

One thing that might help with the problem of unpredictability in your life is to know your loved one’s triggers. Knowing your loved one’s triggers can help you as a supporter to help your loved one avoid a bipolar episode. Then what you can both do is that, after the episode is over is to look at what happened during the episode so that it doesn’t happen again. Or what you can do during the episode to minimize the consequences afterward. By doing this, you can take some of the unpredictability out of your loved one’s bipolar disorder.

This takes good communication skills between the two of you. It also takes a willingness to cooperate and to work at making things better. If you hold resentments against your loved one (say, for something they did during a manic episode), and you don’t forgive them, you will hold things in, and you won’t talk to them as readily or willingly.

The same goes for them. If they don’t feel that they can trust you, for example, they may hold their thoughts and feelings in, and not share them with you honestly and openly.

If this happens, you have a breakdown in communication. Then you’re not fighting on the same team any more. And there is no chance for being able to cope with the unpredictability of your loved one’s bipolar disorder. You need to be together on this issue.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews530/

Here are the news headlines:

Catherine Zeta-Jones is dealing with Bipolar Disorder
DO> Great article take a look.

Using Mindfulness for Bipolar Disorder
DO> Do you know what this term is, if not read this now.

Stress, Big Factor in Bipolar Disorder, says Researcher
DO> I have been saying this for years and years 🙂

Mentally Ill Fall through the Cracks
DO> Do you agree or disagree?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews530/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave