Bipolar Supporter Blog

Hi,

Today I want to talk to you about:

AN 11 LETTER BIPOLAR MAGIC WORD!

Now, I know I’m always telling you there are no magic words when it comes to bipolar disorder, so before you get out the rocks and start stoning me, let me explain! You will want to hear about this word, believe me! And you would never guess this 11 letter word, so I’ll just go ahead and tell you what it is:

CONSISTENCY

Bet you’d have never guessed that was the word, huh? But this one word is magical in the sense

that when it comes to bipolar disorder it carries a lot of power with it.

Just like the story of the tortoise and the hare, and the lesson that you learned about “slow and steady wins the race,” you must then follow it with consistency.

Consistency in the thesaurus uses other synonyms for it, like:

• symmetry

• clearness

• uniformity

• agreement

• connection

• tenacity

• conformity

I think I would add another word to that list: balance.

One of the definitions of consistency is persistence.

So if you put all that together, you get someone who is persistent in their goals, who has a real connection and conformity to their treatment. You see where I’m going with this?

You need to be consistent with your treatment to be successful at managing your bipolar

disorder.

Actually, I’ll take it a step further, and talk to supporters – you have to be consistent as well,

with your own “program”, your own regimen or routine, so that you can be successful as well.

Someone famous said, “If you believe it, you can achieve it.” But you cannot achieve it by sitting at home just thinking about it.

You CAN achieve it by using CONSISTENCY and persistency, though!

There are many times when the supporter has to believe in their loved one more than they

believe in themselves. Bipolar disorder can be a very discouraging disorder. And sometimes your loved one can feel as if they’re never going to recover, or never even achieve stability.

You can encourage them by telling them about CONSISTENCY.

And how being consistent can keep you from having bipolar episodes and eventually become

stable.

It would also help if you were consistent yourself. If you have consistency (or balance) in your own life, you will be a better supporter, and a good example for your loved one.

The ones with bipolar disorder that have been able to achieve stability are those who were able to be consistent in their lives. They keep a balance to their recovery. They take their medication the way they are supposed to. They follow their treatment plan – They go to all their appointments when scheduled.

They go along with what their doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist say, but they also realize that they are a part of their own treatment team, and they speak up when they need to.

This, I believe, is what leads to stability.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews542/

Here are the news headlines:

Fluctuating Hormones Linked to More Severe Bipolar Symptoms
DO> Very interesting article, what do you think?

Biological vs. Psychological Basis of Bipolar Disorder
DO> What do you think of this debate?

Childhood Bipolar Disorder: A Convenient Illusion
DO> Take a look if you are supporting a child

Bipolar Disorder Q&A: Can Long-Term Acute Pain Lead to Bipolar Disorder?
DO> What do you think of this?

Bipolar Disorder Tied to High Suicide Risk in Veterans
DO> This is sad but true

Brain Scans May Help Identify Bipolar, ADHD Kids: Study
DO> Wow, imagine this? What do you think?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews542/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

I got this email the other day and I wanted

to share it with you:

Dave, my husband has bipolar disorder, and I need to ask you something. All he seems to

do is lay around the house all the time. Is it wrong of me to want him to do something more?

He sleeps more than I think he should, too, but when I try to talk to him about it, we end up in

a fight with him accusing me of not being a good supporter. Am I a bad supporter or do I have a

right to have these expectations? What do you think?

———————————————————————————————————————

I know the story. I’ve heard it many times from other bipolar supporters.

What’s the difference between being a good and bad supporter and between having good and bad

expectations?

Well, first of all, let’s separate the two.

If your loved one is depressed, they may tend to lay around the house more or sleep more –

it’s part of the depressive part of the disorder. They lose interest in things, they cease to be

productive and some may even think about suicide.

Where is the line drawn between being a good supporter and a bad supporter? Or what about being an enabler?

Let’s take the example of the man from the email I was sent. If his wife continues to allow him to lay around doing nothing and sleeping all the time, isn’t she enabling him? She’s letting him do something he doesn’t have to do. He doesn’t have to be that way. He can get help. But is it her responsibility to get him help? No, I don’t think it is, because I think that would be enabling him.

But his wife does want to be a good supporter. She expects him to get up and be productive.

Many supporters expect their loved ones to be productive as well.

Is this a reasonable expectation or not? Let’s think about this.

For a person with bipolar disorder to get better, they need to do things for themselves. Being productive is one of those things.

I’ve had people tell me that once they got off the couch and out of bed, their lives improved immensely. So, of course, did their supporter’s lives.

It’s not an unreasonable expectation to want your loved one to get better. It’s also not an unreasonable expectation to expect them to do what they can to help themselves.

For example, they can be responsible for taking their own medication. If they have problems, there are ways they can learn to manage it.

They can also go to their own medical and mental health appointments and even be part of their own treatment team.

They can form their own support system made up of their primary supporter (probably you),

but others as well, such as: other family members, friends, support group members, church group

members, etc.

It’s ok for you to be their supporter, but be careful of supporter burnout, which happens when you do more for them than you do for yourself. Make sure you take care of yourself, too. If you get sick, who will take care of your loved one?

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

I was thinking today about hope. But not in the usual way. I was thinking about how hope can be a bad thing.

See, I’ll compare it to the lottery.

There are some people who all they do is spend their money on the lottery, hoping to get rich and be able to quit their jobs and have an easy life.

Those people don’t try very hard at work – some of them aren’t even able to hold down a job very long, because of their attitude, thinking that they’re not gonna be there long because they’re going to be rich this week, just you wait and see, this week is the week they’ll win the lottery!

See what I’m getting at?

And that’s how they live their lives. On hope. From day to day. But it’s not a good hope. It’s not a realistic hope.

This “hope thinking” person will sit back and almost be (or might actually be) lazy, just waiting for luck to find him, so he doesn’t think he has to do anything in order to get ahead and be successful at anything. He won’t take responsibility for anything. He might even act like the world owes him a living! Or if he’s got bipolar disorder, he’ll act like HE’S the victim! That way he gets to blame his bipolar disorder on his lack of success in life.

And there he sits, day after day, buying his lottery tickets, hoping to “win” his way out

of poverty.

Now let’s take this same man who, ok, maybe he’s not rich, maybe his job isn’t the greatest

job in the world, but it’s enough to put food on the table, and makes him feel good about

himself because he’s being productive. Sure, he’d love it if he won a million dollars. But he doesn’t sit at home waiting for it to come to him. He works hard for the money he makes, and in

his small world of influence, he is considered a success.

No, he’s not a millionaire, but he’s got a fairly decent life. He pays his bills, has a wonderful wife and family, a few friends, etc. And he’s happy.

Do you think the first guy, the one waiting around to win the lottery so he can be a millionaire

and finally be rich is happy?

So what does this have to do with bipolar disorder?

Well, firstly, I talk to many people about how to be proactive (like the second man) – you

can’t just sit around waiting for help to come to you – you have to get out there and do some things for yourself. You can’t just sit at home waiting to be a millionaire by buying lottery tickets, either. But you can still hold down a job outside the home, or work from home, start a home business, etc. Bipolar disorder does NOT have to stop anyone from caring for their family.

It’s up to you.

You can sit back and “hope” that your loved one’s bipolar disorder will magically go away by itself, or you can be proactive and see what you can do to help your loved one manage their disorder better.

Your loved one can sit back and blame their bipolar disorder for their not being a millionaire…

Or as an excuse for other things…But you don’t have to.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

I’ve been thinking about something, and wanted to share my thoughts with you. It’s about what happens when you try to accomplish too much too fast. Think about it.

When you try to accomplish too much too fast, you are just setting yourself up for failure, because you’ll never be able to do it. It also gets very discouraging for you.

Also, if you don’t know how long something should take, you can start to think it’s taking

too long.

For example, after an episode. It could take up to a year to fully “fix” the after effects of an episode. Like the financial ruin – you can’t fix a bankruptcy in just two weeks! But some people think you can just do it overnight! We don’t rush the stroke victim or even the cancer victim, why do we rush the victim of bipolar disorder?

Thinking that they should be over an episode after just a week or two is just plain unrealistic

expectations. Would we have that same expectation if they were getting over a physical illness?

Then why are we expecting it from a bipolar episode?

In my research, I’ve talked to many people who are success stories, and they talk about how long it took them sometimes to fully recover from some of their episodes, and some of them say it took a whole year, and some even longer!

There are certain things in life that take a certain amount of time to happen. It’s just the way it has to be. Think about things in nature.

Like the butterfly – it starts off as a caterpillar…then it goes into a cocoon… and only after a certain period of time does it metamorphose into that beautiful butterfly! It just doesn’t happen overnight. And if you interrupt it at any point in the chain of events, the whole thing would

be ruined!

Some things just can’t be rushed. Other things just have to take place in a certain order. And still other things have to take place at a certain time.

Wanting your loved one who has bipolar disorder to get over their episode overnight is like wanting them to be that beautiful butterfly without going through the cocoon phase!

Some things are just worth waiting for. You just have to be more patient sometimes. I know it’s hard to be patient sometimes. It was hard for me with my mom, too. But I had to learn to be patient with her as she learned how to manage her bipolar disorder and get over her episode.

It didn’t happen overnight. It took time.

Some supporters also expect their loved one to go right back to being themselves after an episode, and sometimes that just doesn’t happen either – that’s something else that might take some time.

Some family members make this mistake, too, at the very beginning: They think, good, now that they are diagnosed, they can just take a pill and they’ll be better. Then they get frustrated when it doesn’t happen right away. It takes time even in the beginning to get used to the diagnosis.

Be patient, and things will happen when they’re supposed to.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

I was thinking about something today.

You know how sometimes I talk about the people who work for me? About how I brag on the fact that they have bipolar disorder, but that I wonder what they look like. What I mean is about how you would never know that they have the disorder, unless they told you.

Of course, I live in New Jersey, and they live in other places, all over the map. But I was wondering about what they look like in person. I mean, not their looks, but whether in person,

that you can or can’t tell that they have bipolar disorder.

So that made me think about you and your loved ones. If there’s over 9 million people with bipolar disorder, chances are you know more than just your loved one with the disorder.

Can you tell or can you NOT tell just by looking, if someone has bipolar disorder or not?

Interesting question, don’t you think?

See, what made me think about it, too, was the many emails I’ve gotten from people like

you, asking me about whether “it” is the bipolar or the loved one, and about whether

they are “faking” it or not.

That’s been a real big issue, according to the emails and calls I’ve gotten.

So I give it to you. What do you think? What has been your experience? Can you tell just by looking, if your loved one has bipolar disorder or not?

If so, what is it about their behavior that gives them away? For those of you who can’t tell, what is it about your loved one’s behavior that is different, that doesn’t give them away?

I think it’s the fact that they’re high functioning.

High-functioning behavior can make a person with bipolar disorder NOT stand out as someone with the disorder.

Does that make sense?

Whereas, on the other hand, someone who has bipolar disorder, but is NOT high functioning, would be someone who you can tell DOES have bipolar disorder.

I have seen this firsthand – in the people who work for me… those I have interviewed for my courses, those who I have talked to at the support groups I attend…and others I have heard from via email and phone.

So what does make a person with bipolar disorder high functioning? I think it has to do with the self-management of their disorder. If they’re taking care of themselves, I think it shows.

What I’m saying is that if they’re doing all the things they’re supposed to be doing, you won’t

be able to tell if they have the disorder at all.

They need to be taking their medication on a regular basis. They need to see their doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist regularly as well. They need to eat a healthy diet, get good sleep,

and exercise.

All these things will make a person high-functioning.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews541/

Here are the news headlines:

Psychiatrists Who Accepted Millions of Dollars from Drug Companies Now Face Restrictions
DO> This sounds good to me, what about you?

Keep your Career Healthy – Even if you’re Not
DO> Do you agree or disagree?

Man killed by CHP not armed, shot 55 times
DO> WOW, this is crazy don’t you think?

Do Adolescents Mimic Psychiatric Symptoms of Their Virtual Friends?
DO> Very interesting articles, take a look.

A Fine Line Separates Mental Illness and Genius
DO> Great article, take a look.

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews541/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting: http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi,

Have you ever heard of giving someone a chance? You know, like a kid fresh out of school? Or someone who just graduated from college? They’re just asking for a chance. They have the skill and the knowledge, but maybe they just don’t have the experience. But weren’t we all there at one time? Just asking for that first chance?

So what does this have to do with bipolar disorder?

I’m not just talking about first chances here, I’m talking about second chances.

Maybe when you first met your loved one they told you that they had bipolar disorder, but they asked you to give them a chance. (Obviously you decided to, because you’re with them.) But time has gone on and maybe they’ve had some episodes. But say that your loved one has made some mistakes. They’ve done some things for which they owe consequences.

They may even have hurt you, and you don’t want to forgive them. It’s hard, I know.

When my mom was yelling at me and calling me names and telling me she didn’t even want

me to be her son any more, it hurt. It really hurt. But I had to learn to get over it.

How did I do that? I learned to give her a second chance.

I had to forgive her for the things she had done that hurt me. I had to forgive her for yelling me and calling me names. I had to forgive her for not being there for me. I had to forgive her for not being the mother I wanted her to be because of the bipolar disorder.

How did I do that?

I learned to separate my mom from her disorder. I loved my mom. But I hated her disorder. And that’s ok. If no one’s told you this yet, let me tell you this now – it’s ok to hate bipolar disorder!

Remember back to when you first met your loved one and gave them that first chance. Then remember back to those times that you’ve had to give them those second chances.

Think about how you feel when someone gives you a chance. Or a second chance. Forgiveness is a great thing.

If it feels good when someone does it for you, wouldn’t it feel good if you did it for your loved

one?

Well, I have to go!

Dave

Hi, how are you doing today? I hope things are going ok for you.

When I was younger, I had a landscaping business. And I really enjoyed doing it, and it helped people who couldn’t do their own lawns, etc. But part of landscaping is cutting back the bushes. Trimming the dead parts, to make room for new ones. Getting the weeds out of the way. So that, in the end, people could be proud of their yards.

Now, the trimming back and getting rid of weeds had to be done on a steady basis, or they would overgrow. Same with the lawns. In other words, without pruning, things get overgrown with the wrong thing. They need constant attention. And the more attention I gave them,

the better the result.

Bipolar disorder is like that.

First of all, let me say that everybody’s different, and what works for one person might not work for another. So I’m just going to talk in general. But let’s take medication for example. You might start out on one medication, but it may have some side effects that you don’t like.

So what can you do about it?

There’s only two things you can do:

1. Deal with the side effects

2. Change medications

Dealing with side effects can be done. It’s worth it as long as the medication is working for you.

But those side effects can be like the thorns on a rosebush – They bother you, but they are necessary. Most side effects, though, can be managed with not too much effort.

But medication changes (dose, amount, maybe even a different medication or combination of medications), is like tending to that rosebush. You keep at it until it becomes what you want it to be. Or until it helps you be what you want to be, which is stable.

There are other things you do for your stability. Like see a doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist.

And going to those appointments regularly is like landscaping the front of your home – you tend to it, and you do it regularly. Only by regular attention can you get to where you want it (yourself) to be.

Starting an entire exercise routine when you’re not used to exercising can be too much. But starting slow and building up to a better routine that works for you, is like tending to the weeds.

One thing might not work so well for you, but another one will. So you discard the old routine and begin a new one, adding and changing as you need to in order to get the result that you want.

It’s the same with eating a healthy diet. You try one thing, and it might work, or it might not. But you prune and weed until you find something that does work well for you.

Stability in general is like landscaping your yard. You know what you want it to be like. But it needs tending to, so you do what you have to in order to get stable. Once you reach stability, though, it’s not such a big job as an overgrown garden with weeds. Once you are stable, you may need tweaks here and there, but for the most part, you will have a well-tended “self.”

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave

Hi, how’s it going? I hope you’re having a good day.

Today I’m going to be talking about a very serious, very important subject.

You know, I get asked a lot why I talk so much about credit cards, debt, and other things having to do with finances when I talk about bipolar disorder. The answer is because I’ve seen firsthand

how money problems relate directly to bipolar disorder, whether to the person with the disorder, their supporter, or both.

One time I spoke to someone who questioned how bills and unpaid debts could be creating so much stress in a person with bipolar disorder and their supporter. I told them that it could be that it’s not the bills and debts themselves causing the stress, but that the person with bipolar disorder may not have the skills to cope with and overcome these types of money problems. Worse yet, the money problems might be as a result of a spending spree from when they were in a manic episode. So part of it might be the stress from worry and guilt.

They may even feel shame involving their supporter for what they’ve done. Then the stress, worry, and guilt (as well as the money problems) might be enough to trigger the person into another bipolar episode. It’s like a vicious cycle.

When my mom was in her worst bipolar episode in 2004, I found her amidst a pile of bills so high and wide and that totaled thousands upon thousands of dollars! She just hadn’t paid them.

At that point, she no longer had the skills to pay them. So they multiplied. That’s when I had to step in and take over her finances and, believe me, it was a mess to untangle all those bills! It took me a long time.

So money problems aren’t just hard on the person with bipolar disorder, they are also hard on the supporter. Your loved one can run up so much debt that they can feasibly run you into bankruptcy. Then talk about stress!

If you live with someone who has bipolar disorder, it’s just a fact of life that you will have money problems. In fact, many people who don’t live in a household where a family member

doesn’t have the disorder have to deal with money problems, so it’s just that much worse for someone who does. And with money problems, there always comes stress.

With debt, I’m talking about credit card debt, mostly. Some people, bipolar or not, can abuse

their credit cards and max them out. But someone who has bipolar disorder and goes into a manic episode can do it in a matter of days!

You can do a couple things to safeguard this, however. First of all, try not to have so many credit cards (including store credit cards). Secondly, try to make it so that you are the one who holds the credit cards. If your loved one is in a manic episode, it is CRUCIAL that they do NOT have access to the credit cards! If they do, there is still something you can do about it – you can call the credit card company immediately and ask them to suspend your credit card privileges

temporarily. You don’t have to tell them that your loved one is in a bipolar episode. You can just say you want to limit your spending for awhile. That will suffice.

You should also limit the amount of cash that your loved one has access to, both on their person and from you (and in the home).

Your bank account is another problem area. When your loved one is NOT in an episode, see if they are agreeable to your handling the finances, or at least having two checking accounts – one just for paying bills, and the other for “whatever,” that would have just a small amount in it.

The one for paying bills could be in just your name, so that when your loved one goes into an episode, they would not have access to the majority of the household money.

At least this way you can be assured that you would have enough money to pay your bills, should your loved one go into an episode.

When you’re living with a loved one who has bipolar disorder, unfortunately, there will always be money problems. But if you follow my suggestions, at least you can get a handle on preventing some of them.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

Dave