Bipolar Supporter Blog

Hi,

You know, some things are to be expected in life. Like in winter, you can expect that people are going to get the flu. You can expect that if you work at a job, that you will get a paycheck. (and, at some point, you can even expect that you will get a raise.) You can expect that if you pay your rent or mortgage, you will have a house to live in. (You can also expect that at some point, you will have to make repairs to that house, however.) Same with your car – You can expect that if you keep up the payments, you will have a car to drive. (You can also expect that at some point, you will have to make repairs to that car, however.)

Well, it’s the same with bipolar disorder. You can expect certain things when your loved one has the disorder. On the one hand, if they are doing what they should be doing to attain stability, then you can expect that they will get stable. On the other hand, if they are not doing the right things, you can expect that they will not get stable. But let’s just concentrate on the positive side of things. If your loved one is taking their medication like they’re supposed to, you can expect that the medication will work and help them become stable. If they are going to all their appointments – doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist – then you can expect there to be progress there. If they are eating right, you can expect them to be healthy. If they are exercising, you can expect that they will stay in shape physically. If they are sticking to a good sleep schedule, then you can expect that they will have good days, without the mania from lack of sleep.

Unfortunately, sometimes you don’t always get what you expect. Bipolar disorder is just sneaky like that. Your loved one could be doing everything right and still go into an episode. So you can expect that with bipolar disorder, there will be setbacks. If your loved one is keeping a journal and/or a daily mood chart, however, you can most likely see the pattern as it approaches so you can avoid a full blown episode. However, if your loved one does go into an episode, you should know what to expect then, as well, because you’ve experienced it in the past. You can expect that they are going to exhibit certain behaviors, like they have before. Which actually gives you an advantage, because what they’ve done before, they will do again, and you can be prepared.

If you do what you need to do as far as being a supporter to your loved one, then you can expect that they will feel that support. If you keep the lines of communication open between the two of you, for example, you can expect that your loved one will, indeed, come to you and tell you when they are not “feeling right.” And if you take care of yourself…As in making sure you are balanced physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually…You can expect that you won’t suffer from the supporter burnout that too many supporters fall prey to. And if enough time has passed, and your loved one has continued to take their medication, see their therapist, and do the other things they need to do to attain stability…You can expect that they will, indeed, someday be stable.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

 

Dave

 

Hi,

I was talking to this supporter the other day, and he shared some feelings with me that I wanted to share with you, because you might be feeling the same way.

He said: “I’m sick and tired of everything I read and everywhere I hear telling me that my wife’s behavior is not her fault just because she’s got bipolar disorder. I think that’s just an excuse for unacceptable behavior. I’m not saying it’s her fault, necessarily, but I do think she needs to take responsibility for her behavior, for her actions. I don’t think I should just lie down and take it just because she’s got bipolar disorder.”

I think he brings up a good point. Should you have to just “take” your loved one’s behavior “lying down” just because they’ve got bipolar disorder and not do anything about it? Maybe you feel like this man does, like your loved one is “getting away with it” if you do. Well…I agree that your loved one should take responsibility for their behavior. I think that bipolar disorder does have something to do with their behavior, like with the impulsivity, for example. But I also think at some point they can make choices about their behavior. And I believe this because I did an interview one time with a woman who has bipolar disorder, and she told me so. She said that when she was in a manic episode it was like she knew that her behavior was wrong, she just didn’t care. She said she just kept making bad choices. That tells me that there is an element of choice involved there somewhere. And that your loved one can take responsibility for their behavior and their actions and not just use their bipolar disorder as an excuse for them.

Here’s an example of how someone was able to do that: There’s a man whose wife has bipolar disorder. And when she goes into a manic episode, she spends money like it’s going out of style.

He wanted his wife to start taking responsibility for her behavior, so he told her if she did it again, he would take away all her money, and she wouldn’t be able to buy anything anymore.

So guess what? The next time she spent money excessively, he took away all her money. And she wasn’t able to buy anything. At first she complained about it…And her husband explained over and over that it was because of her behavior that it had happened, and a choice she had made to spend the money. He reminded her that she needed to take responsibility for her behavior. After a few times, she stopped spending money excessively, because she didn’t want all her money taken away from her.

Here’s another example: There was a woman whose husband would fly into really bad rages because of his bipolar disorder. She told him that every time he went into a rage, that she was just going to ignore him, because she wanted him to take responsibility for his behavior.

The next time he flew into a rage, she completely ignored him. And the next time. And the time after that. Eventually her husband took responsibility for his behavior and stopped going into rages and talked to her about his feelings of anger instead.

You see…The bipolar disorder may cause your loved one to initially start the unwanted behavior…But if they don’t like or want the consequences associated with that behavior, they can stop the behavior.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

 

Dave

 

 

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews620/

POST-TRAGEDY, DEALING WITH THE STIGMA OF BIPOLAR DISORDER
DO> Check out this woman’s son’s story.

Conductor with bipolar disorder on music and mental illness
DO> You’ll enjoy this interesting video.

Experimental drug may help people with bipolar disorder
DO> Would you take this drug?

ADHD symptoms may influence bipolar disorder course
DO> You need to know this information if your loved one has ADHD.

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews620/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

 

Dave

Hi,

Recently I had to write a complaint to Hewlitt-Packard about a printer I’d gotten from them that gave me all kinds of problems. I even had problems with their customer service, and I wanted them to know about that. Well, this is what I have learned over the years: You have to take really good notes with names, dates and times, and what happened in case you need to lodge a complaint about it later on. You use these notes to explain your situation or cause to other higher ups, whatever the problem. With bipolar disorder, many things come up where frankly you wind up dealing with organizations that are filled with dumb people. The dumb people mislead. They give you a hard time. They lie. They work against you. Sometimes you might even feel stigmatized. You then have to go to a supervisor, or that supervisor’s supervisor with all the facts that you have. Once the higher ups see that you have details on what has been done, they normally relent and get you what you need or do what you need.

This is especially important in relation to your loved one’s medical and mental health care. What if your doctor’s secretary was rude to you or your loved one, for example? Well, you would write down their name, the date, time, and exactly what happened. And you would do it right then, while it’s fresh in your mind. Don’t you think this is something your doctor would want to know?

After all, the receptionist is the first person representing your doctor to his/her patients. So then you would pass it on to the office manager, or the receptionist’s supervisor, whoever that is. Keeping a copy of this record, if you still don’t feel that you’ve gotten relief, you take it up to the next level. See how it goes?

What if you have a doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist and they aren’t the best? Or if you feel that your loved one isn’t getting the right treatment, or the best treatment that they should be getting?

What would you do? Well, you would start taking notes. And you would go through the same procedure as above. Only you might have to go all the way to the Medical Board. (and, of course, you may have to switch doctors).

Now, what if your loved one has to be hospitalized? What if you had to wait an unusually long time in the waiting room, while they were in crisis with a bipolar episode? This is where it is especially important to take down the person’s name (and other information, too) because your loved one probably shouldn’t be having to wait in an Emergency Room waiting room if they are in that kind of condition. They should at least be waiting in the back where they don’t have to be dealing with a lot of people. But you should find out the laws in your own state and the policies in that particular hospital to find out what you can do.

So, do you see how important record keeping can be? Now, I mentioned back in the beginning about feeling stigmatized. This is where record keeping can be important as well. If you feel as if you or your loved one were treated “less than” or any different than someone else just because you or they have bipolar disorder, the person who treated you that way should be reported to a higher up, so they don’t do it to the next person. As long as you have a name (and also get the name of their supervisor), date, phone number, details of what happened, and any other information you feel is important, you can do something about it. You don’t have to feel helpless.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

 

Dave

 

Hi,

Did you know that 20% of people that have bipolar disorder kill themselves? That’s 1 in 5 people! That’s a staggering statistic, when you think about it. And that’s not just my say-so, that’s according to the National Institute on Mental Health, a national statistic. And I bet a lot of those suicides occur after the holidays, too. That’s when a lot of people with bipolar disorder tend to fall into a depression. That’s because they got so “high,” or manic, during the holidays.

That can be a big problem for people with bipolar disorder.

Like this one blogger says:

“I hate the holidays. I mean, I don’t hate the holidays per se, I just hate holiday time, because I really have to watch myself. That’s when my bipolar can really get out of hand. I get so excited because of all the excitement of the holidays, what with the decorations, and busyness in the stores and malls and all around and all. You see all the commercials on TV and you’re just reminded everywhere you turn that the holidays are here. It’s just this one time of the year, but it’s such a “high” time that if I don’t watch myself, I can get totally manic. I mean, there are holiday gatherings to prepare for and all, with cooking and baking and all those extra goodies I like to do, plus all the gatherings and parties to go to, but I really have to watch myself not to get out of hand. I have to stay in control or I could easily go into a manic episode.”

———————————————————————————————————————

Like this blogger was saying, it can (and must) be done, especially if you’re aware of those triggers. But it’s one thing to be aware of the manic triggers, and another thing to be sideswiped by a depression that follows the holidays. One that you didn’t expect. That can too easily happen if you’re not prepared for it. Especially if your loved one did experience a mania during the holidays. As many times, a mania will be followed by an inevitable crash into a depression afterwards.

So what can you do about post-holiday depression in your loved one? First of all…You can try to avoid it. Try not to let them get too manic or excited or “high” over the holidays themselves.

This way they can maintain more of an even keel throughout this time. Then, hopefully, you will avoid the crash of a depression after the holidays. Another way you can try to avoid it is…Try to get things back to normal as quickly as you can after the holidays. I’m not saying to take down the decorations immediately or anything (unless you want to), but just to get back to as great a sense of normalcy as you can as quickly as you can. In other words, get back to your normal routine and schedule. Do things that you would normally do.

Another thing you can do to avoid post-holiday depression is…Keep up the gatherings. Keep seeing friends and family even though it’s no longer the holidays. This will help keep your loved one “in the spirit” longer and keep them from getting depressed.

Another thing is…Encourage your loved one to get back into their routine as quickly as possible.

Much of the time, people forego their diet and exercise regimens over the holidays because of the gatherings and parties. Someone with bipolar disorder is no different. It would help your loved one to get back into their diet and exercise routines as quickly as possible after the holidays to avoid depression.

If they do fall into a depression after the holidays…Encourage them to make an appointment to see their therapist and/or psychiatrist for an extra visit before they go into a full blown bipolar depressive episode.

And don’t forget yourself…You need to watch yourself as well, so that you don’t go into a depression after the holidays. Make sure that you stay busy and get yourself back to normal as quickly as possible. You can follow the same advice as above to avoid depression for yourself.

Your Friend,

 

Dave

 

 

Hi,

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews619/

Novel takes on the tumult of bipolar disorder
DO> Do you think this is accurate?

Bipolar disorder led to impulse buying and a run-in with Simon Cowell
DO> Check out this one man’s interesting story.

In the mood
DO> Do you think bipolar is becoming a fad like he says?

T. gondii infection linked to bipolar disorder risk
DO> Very interesting study.

Identifying Bipolar Disorder Before Clinical Signs: New Research
DO> Do you know these signs?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews619/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

 

Dave

Hi,

Do you remember the game Monopoly? We played it when we were kids. You may even play it with your own children or grandchildren now. The thing about Monopoly was that it took soooo long, remember? If you were going to play the game right, you had to plan to play it for HOURS!!! And that’s a LONG time to a kid. Did you ever play a game of Monopoly, and you were winning, and all of a sudden everyone else wanted to quit? Where did that leave you?

Frustrated, huh? Disappointed? Maybe even angry? Because you were winning the game when all of a sudden everyone else decided to do something else. They “changed the rules” on you.

In order to win, you have to play the game the whole way through, so you might have felt gypped of your win. And you wouldn’t like that, because you felt entitled to that win! You did the work for it…You played by the rules…You put in the time…You played well…And you were supposed to win. But children (and some adults) don’t always have the patience to make it through a whole game of Monopoly. They might already be onto the next activity, and you’re sitting there pouting! Which, of course, will get you nowhere except left out of the next fun activity of playing. It just doesn’t seem fair to you.

Well, that’s kind of like how bipolar disorder works. Things can change unexpectedly. You could be doing everything right…You could be playing by the rules…Doing everything you’re supposed to be doing…Putting in all the time and effort to “win”…And all of a sudden the rules change on you! All of a sudden the things that you’ve always done aren’t working this time! You see signs and symptoms of an episode approaching. You better do something quick! No, this isn’t what you expected. No, this isn’t what you wanted. But just pouting about it isn’t going to get you stable. And if you’re a supporter, just pouting about it isn’t going to help your loved one one bit.

It isn’t fair! You might want to exclaim. No, it isn’t fair. But it is a reality you have to deal with.

Just because the rules change in mid-game, doesn’t mean you stop “playing” it.

You have to continue to do the things that make you stable. Just like a supporter has to keep doing the things they normally do to support you. By both of you working together, you can come out of the episode faster.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

 

Dave

 

Hi,

I got this comment on one of my posts, and I wanted to share it with you, because it is the reason I chose what I did for today’s topic:

“Dear Dave, I love my husband very much, I just want you to know that. But I just can’t stand the way he acts sometimes! During episodes is the worst, but even in between episodes, it’s like he’s this changed person – not the man I married. Bipolar Disorder seems to have taken over his whole life. Even when he’s not in an episode, he’s obsessing over when his next one will be. I’ve tried to be a good supporter and a good wife, I really have. But his moods change so much, and I never know what to expect. The unpredictability of the mood swings and episodes is really getting to me. I’ve been waiting a long time for my husband to get better, but he just doesn’t seem like he’ll ever be what you call high functioning, or even stable. Help! I just need a break from him and his bipolar disorder. Is that wrong? Dianne”

———————————————————————————————————————

Ok, let’s get the disclaimer out of the way first: You know I’m not a doctor or any other professional, so I can’t give advice on those terms – I can only offer suggestions and opinions based on my experience and the experiences that other supporters have shared with me.

First of all, bipolar disorder does change a person. It can influence both their thoughts and their behavior. And, unfortunately, it’s a fact that the disorder does bring with it mood swings and episodes. We don’t know by her email what her husband is like during episodes, but we can imagine. But many supporters do get frustrated and even angry when their loved one doesn’t seem to be getting better. At times, from the people I’ve talked to, pretty much every supporter gets to a “boiling-over” point like this woman in the email. Well, sometimes you just need a break. It’s hard to deal with bipolar disorder 24/7 and expect yourself to be the perfect super supporter all the time. The good news is that you don’t have to be. You CAN take a break. In fact, many supporters regularly take breaks from their loved one and their bipolar disorder.

And they feel no guilt, because they do it as a part of self-care. Necessary self-care.

But let’s go back to this woman’s email for a bit. She says, first of all, that she loves her husband but can’t stand the way he acts sometimes. That’s normal for a supporter of a loved one with bipolar disorder. Loving the person and hating their behavior are two different things. That’s why I preach about separating your loved one from their disorder. You can still love them, but hate the disorder (which causes the unacceptable behavior). When she says, “…it’s like he’s this changed person – not the man I married,” she is expressing something that many supporters also express when their loved one is diagnosed later in life. If you let it, bipolar disorder CAN take over your whole life (like she says in the email). However, you can also choose not to let it.

You need to do things outside of the disorder. I would tell this woman to do some of the things that they did together before the bipolar disorder “took over his life,” and try to regain the relationship the way it was (as much as possible).

Bipolar disorder is not a death sentence! It’s just a mental illness. It can be managed. And stability IS possible, if your loved one does the work to reach it. You can’t do it for them, either – they have to do it for themselves. When she says, “Even when he’s not in an episode, he’s obsessing over when his next one will be,” well, many people go through that as well, although it is only a lesson in futility. The “normal” times in between episodes should be enjoyed while you can. Yes, there will most likely be a next episode at some point, but waiting around for it to happen is a waste of precious time. Then she says that she doesn’t think her husband will ever become high functioning, or even stable. Well, he won’t, unless he does what he needs to in order to gain stability, and there is nothing in her letter that states that he is doing that. And she ends the email with, “Help, I just need a break from him and his bipolar disorder. Is that wrong?” In my opinion, NO, it is not wrong. Sometimes you do just need a break.

Well, I have to go!

 

Your Friend,

 

Dave

 

 

Hi,

 

What’s new? Hope you are doing well.

To read this week’s news visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews618/

Eastern Mennonite alum remains leading researcher into bipolar disorder
DO> Did you know this about the Amish?

Alexza’s inhaled drug for schizophrenia, bipolar disorder gets FDA OK
DO> You’ll be interested to see the difference.

Youth With Bipolar Disorder Risk Respond Less To Emotions, Study
DO> Very interesting study. Don’t you agree?

Brain Scans Might Help Spot Risk for Bipolar Disorder
DO> Is your loved one like this?

For these stories and more, please visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarnews618/

Check out all my resources, programs and information for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com

Your Friend,

 

Dave

Hi,

You know, I got an email from someone saying, “I am a Bipolar Sufferer….” and it bothered me. What she wrote in the email is not important for this message, but the introduction is. I thought to myself “bipolar sufferer?” Do you have to suffer from bipolar disorder? I asked myself. Does everyone who has it actually suffer from bipolar disorder? Then I thought about it. No, in my opinion, everyone who has bipolar disorder does not necessarily suffer. I know my mom no longer does. Nobody that works for me with bipolar disorder suffers any more. Once your loved one reaches stability, I believe the “suffering” part is over. On the other hand, just using the term “sufferer” is probably a misnomer.

In general, we say people are suffering. For example, we may say, “They are “suffering from the flu,” or something as trivial as that (not that the flu is trivial, just when compared to something like bipolar disorder). So we need to define “suffering.” One of the ways that Webster’s dictionary defines suffer is: “to submit to or be forced to endure.” Another is: “to endure, death, pain, or distress.” And another: “to be subject to disability or handicap.”

According to these definitions, I can see how someone undiagnosed or newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder might truly suffer. But as they begin to recover, I believe the suffering lessens.

I think it also has to do with your attitude. Like whether you feel that you are in control, or the disorder is in control. For example: How you talk to your loved one with bipolar disorder and how you talk to yourself is really important. Watch the wording you use. Like this woman in the email. If you think of yourself as a bipolar sufferer or your loved one as suffering from bipolar disorder, doesn’t that make it a very negative thing? Even something that can’t be defeated? Or recovered from? Something that controls you? Instead of you controlling it? Don’t you think things will be far worse if you think of it in terms of suffering?

A couple of those definitions made it sound like a horrible thing, to suffer. And it is. On the other hand, let’s look at the term “recover.” Webster’s dictionary defines it as: “to get back, to regain…” “to find or identify again…” “to bring back to normal position or condition…” “to save from loss and restore to usefulness.” Do you see how these definitions are so much ore positive?

If you concentrate on recovery more than suffering, you will have a much easier time of it.

Well, I have to go!

Your Friend,

 

Dave