Hi,
I was talking to this supporter the other day, and he shared some feelings with me that I wanted to share with you, because you might be feeling the same way.
He said: “I’m sick and tired of everything I read and everywhere I hear telling me that my wife’s behavior is not her fault just because she’s got bipolar disorder. I think that’s just an excuse for unacceptable behavior. I’m not saying it’s her fault, necessarily, but I do think she needs to take responsibility for her behavior, for her actions. I don’t think I should just lie down and take it just because she’s got bipolar disorder.”
I think he brings up a good point. Should you have to just “take” your loved one’s behavior “lying down” just because they’ve got bipolar disorder and not do anything about it? Maybe you feel like this man does, like your loved one is “getting away with it” if you do. Well…I agree that your loved one should take responsibility for their behavior. I think that bipolar disorder does have something to do with their behavior, like with the impulsivity, for example. But I also think at some point they can make choices about their behavior. And I believe this because I did an interview one time with a woman who has bipolar disorder, and she told me so. She said that when she was in a manic episode it was like she knew that her behavior was wrong, she just didn’t care. She said she just kept making bad choices. That tells me that there is an element of choice involved there somewhere. And that your loved one can take responsibility for their behavior and their actions and not just use their bipolar disorder as an excuse for them.
Here’s an example of how someone was able to do that: There’s a man whose wife has bipolar disorder. And when she goes into a manic episode, she spends money like it’s going out of style.
He wanted his wife to start taking responsibility for her behavior, so he told her if she did it again, he would take away all her money, and she wouldn’t be able to buy anything anymore.
So guess what? The next time she spent money excessively, he took away all her money. And she wasn’t able to buy anything. At first she complained about it…And her husband explained over and over that it was because of her behavior that it had happened, and a choice she had made to spend the money. He reminded her that she needed to take responsibility for her behavior. After a few times, she stopped spending money excessively, because she didn’t want all her money taken away from her.
Here’s another example: There was a woman whose husband would fly into really bad rages because of his bipolar disorder. She told him that every time he went into a rage, that she was just going to ignore him, because she wanted him to take responsibility for his behavior.
The next time he flew into a rage, she completely ignored him. And the next time. And the time after that. Eventually her husband took responsibility for his behavior and stopped going into rages and talked to her about his feelings of anger instead.
You see…The bipolar disorder may cause your loved one to initially start the unwanted behavior…But if they don’t like or want the consequences associated with that behavior, they can stop the behavior.
Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
Post responses below
I am bipolar and I know that even “we” can learn from our mistakes and begin to control our behavior. I used to isolate myself during a depressive episode and not even tell my husband how I felt but it was partway his fault too. It was not really what he wanted to hear and it caused him a great deal of anxiety. One day, in a NAMI newsletter, I read about some classes for family members with a loved one who has mental illness. I signed up my husband and daughter for these classes. After completion, my husband is a changed person. He understands much more about my illness and how to deal with it and therefore, I feel much more trusting about sharing my feelings. This often prevents my mood from becoming worse, just knowing that I have a loved one who can be supportive by being a good listener. He also gently persuades me to do things that will make me feel better, like getting out of the house to go shopping with him, visit family members, or going out to dinner. In this way, he does not let me use bipolar disorder as an excuse to behave the way I do when depressed.
I have a 35 year old daughter that has biopolar and she is just one angry person all the time, whether she is manic or not. I am raising her children and of course CPS is involved, soon they will determine if she will will ever get them back. Which, personally I dont think she will. So she is always angry and when she is in a episode, it is like a total hell in our home. She doesnt live with us, but she comes everyday. She takes all her meds and goes to counseling and a program, but it still does not stop her behavior. I think that she can stope her rages and outbursts, but wont. Our family is in constant turmoil all the time, because of it. I have tried everything to stop it, and I have run out of ideas. You see I am the enemy to her, cause I have her kids. I need advise!!!
I think, whether bipolar, or not, holding someone responsible for their behavior is essential for immuaturity…though even when that is done, they get mad over that too…
I completely agree with you. They have to be held responsible for their actions. They need to know there are certain things that WILL NOT be tolerated and that they will suffer the consequences if they don’t comply. My husband is bipolar and very pointedly tries to use it as an excuse for poor choices. However, when I put my foot down and state emphatically I WILL NOT continue to accept this behavior and set the consequences he tends to finally accept responsibility for what he has done. That is not to say that he doesn’t continue to make bad choices, but at least there is a break once in awhile. It is like being a mother raising small children again, rather than being a wife.
I am bipolar and recently went off of medication due to doctor issues. I like the way I feel without medicine much better. I have energy and a desire to do things again. But I’m worried about going into a manic state and doing something stupid. Are these people learning to control their behavior without medication? Is it possible?
Dave, you’re playing in muddy water when you talk about controlling unwanted behavior. I’ve been able to avoid affairs, making large expenditures, etc., when I’m in severe psychotic or hypomanic states. I think this is because I won’t compromise my basic values. However, when I’m hypomanic and moving toward psychosis, I do things and tell things which get me in big trouble with my spouce and family. It is clearly strange to me that I can avoid major trouble when psychotic but I have severe problems dealing with hypomania. Up to this point I have not had the ability to fully control my actions during those times. Scary, yes! But that has been my experience dealing with this illness for 12 plus years.
It sounds like you’re talking about how one teaches a little child to behave – by being consistent and establishing boundaries. It works with little kids. I’m not sure it works so well with adults with bipolar.
The person I know with the disorder does not usually realize his behavior is unacceptable when he’s really sick. When he’s manic, he’s high as a kite. He thinks his actions make sense. There’s no “ignoring him”, trust me. He doesn’t care about the consequences “later”. He just doesn’t care at all. He listens when he’s depressed, but not when he’s manic. He loves mania.
Granted, he may be a really extreme case, but that’s how he is.
I’ve been dealing with having bipolar disorder since 2008 when i was diagnosed but dealt with it bfore that. Frankly this article makes me angry because i deal with anger rages and depression rages alot and trust me i dont choose my behavior, just like i tell my husband do you think i enjoy getting that angry for hrs then crying my eyes out. I certainly dont do it by choice or for fun to get some response from my family. If I had a choice of course it wouldnt be that way. Especially when the environment around u sets your behavior off. Yea spending money is a controllable thing but your moods are not always and it p’s me off cause being a supporter of bipolar disorder is on the opposite side of the evil battle and you people dont understand the feelings we have. If anyone out there agrees with me and has the same opinion or needs a person with bipolar to talk to and share with feel free to email me at vengergal@yahoo.com to Misty. Dont get me wrong i’ve been getting daves emails awhile and like them but dont always agree, thinking of starting my own page.
Good topic again, Dave. At latelly me and my wife(she have bipo) has been conversating of this topc a lot.. how she can be stop here unwanted behaviours. When she is on meds or okay in her head.. she say she are sorry what she has said or done… and then mania mood.. she do all the same.. and not care at all. and because she has been eating her meds now for while.. so, we have been planning and meake deal that I can do something while she is “on her moods”.. I think I will print this out and show it to her when we do next time conversating on this topic.
-Pekka, from Finland
Thank you for taking the time and effort to put together such informational newletters.I was so tired of all the mainstream concepts on dealing with something so complex. This is the first time I have been able to make sense of my son’s disorders. Many of the therapies or survival techniques for loved ones are similar to methods coping with Alcoholism.Not tolerating unacceptable behavior is good for the one with the disorder to define boundaries and find other coping strageties.This makes for a more functional and loving environment for all concerned.
I am 50 years old and have had bipolar since about the age of 20 but didn’t get dignosed untill 5 years ago. So when you say people with bipolar can understand and control their behaviour, when manic or whereever they are on the rollercoster, it make me sad. You clearly do not get what it is like to have bipolar. When I was undignosed I lived in the country where being able to see a doctor you had to drive 2hr I knew somthing was not right, as every now and then in between the deep depressions I would have angry outbursts. They where almost aways as a result of my then husband doing or saying something inapropiate,(his lack of control of behaviour and respect) I knew however that my reactions were over the top. But not at the time I was haveing them it was like I was someone else. When I calmed down, I would feel so horriable about how I behaved. But didn’t seem to ever have any control over it. I am now on medication and have a support group. However because I still have to comunicate with my now ex husband he can still push the triggers to get me anger or depressed. My now husband can also do this at times. Yes I am accountable for my behaviour,however I am not a child and as such feel very desprested by your reference to your (loved one treating you as one) to teach you responsibility. In my world I was taught responsibility by concquences too. But when you lower your partner to the level of a child, then your relationship is not one of equal husband and wife. I believe and from experience. I stay more stable when there is mutural respect. Look back and see what may have brought one the bipolar behaviour in the first place. Maybe you will and I can nearly garante that there has been a bad ,irasponsible,disrectful, or some thing else from in most cases you carrer that has triggered you bipolar, depending on what is going on in your life depends on how well you can handle that trigger and have responsible behaviour. chuck in a few more triggers from other stresses and you hit overload, and that is when bipolar has a win. I don’t get a win. Bipolar does. So Think about it careres what baggage are you carring around that triggers your loved one. And you think you can use the excuse to not take responsibility for your behaviour, because after all your not the one with bipolar, NO you just use that excuse not to look at your own issue that can be and probably are contributing to the stability of you loved one. Why do people feel angry because they don’t feel heard or they feel misunderstood. That applies to everyone mental illness or not.So for God sake it is a huge battle to pull the real you in and stand in front of the bipolar behaviour and fight to mantain the real person you are,your values, your beliefs, don’t now tell us we are naughty children for our behaviour, I am pretty sure we get it. I have anyway, I have seen the damage bipolar has done to my family. And that is what make me stad in front of my bipolar behaviour,however as strong as I am given too many stressors I can still fall and have fallen, and bipolar behaviour gets it’s way. Do I feel good about it? No.I am already punishing myself for the behaviour That happened because I wasn’t strong enough. I don’t now need to be sent to my room and told how bad I have been. I need some one to talk to someone to listen, someone who has been there and understands, who doesn’t judge,but accepts me as me, who tried,but just because I fell down this time what have I learn’t that could stop me from falling down next time. That is what helps keep the depression from creeping back in. If you can talk about things and you are allowed to be heard. Then you are able to start to rationalise this better. Understand youself better. It mybe that you have to remove yourself from what is causing the triggers. It could be a number of things. But for God sake we already feel isiolated enought, don’t start to treat us like chrildren.We are adults and are equal.Would you treat us like children if we had cancer or some other illness. No we would still be your husbane or wife, NOT your child.