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Hi,
How’s it going? Well it’s Saturday. I have to
make today’s email kind of quick because
I have a bunch of things to do today.
Boy, did I open up a can of worms with the email
about whether or not someone with bipolar disorder
is lying or not!
I sent it a few days ago, you can read
the post on my blog. The link is below.
I received more responses than I
could possibly answer!
I also learned a lot from you, and from your own
situations. One point that really interested me,
because it was made several times, was the fact
that you say that to the person with bipolar
disorder it isn’t a lie, because when they say it,
they believe it.
I was talking to Michele about that point, because
she does have bipolar disorder, and she said that
is like when her boys were little, and they would
tell her a lie, but then would say it was a lie, and
then say, “Well, it’s not a lie if I tell you it’s a lie,
right?”
That’s what this reminds me of. But how do we
know when the person is lying or not? They
aren’t little any more, like Michele’s small sons,
are they? Or are they? When someone is in an
episode, they do tend to seem somewhat
childish, don’t they? Or at least some of them do.
I have interviewed some people for my courses,
and they have described this behavior in their
loved ones. I have also interviewed parents with
children who describe this lying behavior in their
children and teenagers.
Also, in my courses, I talk about bipolar disorder
and lying, and that the person with the disorder
should not “get away with” the behavior:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
But what we’re talking about here is when
this behavior is seen in an adult with bipolar
disorder. And what we’re really talking
about is making them be responsible for
their behavior. That’s what we really
want.
That’s what a lot of the responses I got
were about. There are a lot of angry
people out there, whose loved one tells
lies, hurting you and others with their lies.
Lots of the responses were like that.
It’s not so much that they lie, but that
they get away with it. That’s what makes
you so angry, isn’t it? That’s what made
me so angry with my mom, anyway.
She would do all the yelling, manipulating,
and lying, and I would get all the blame,
and be the one left to “clean up after” her.
I hated that. And I didn’t think it was fair.
It really made me angry and resentful.
And it hurt a lot. I think a lot of you out
there are really feeling hurt, more than
anything else. And the worst part is that
your loved one goes along not even
knowing that they’ve hurt you at all!
In my research, I found that it is very
common that a person with bipolar disorder
will not remember what they said/did when
in an episode, after the episode is over.
In my courses, I urge people to not take
it personally, and that’s why. But that
would take up a whole email in itself, and
I have to run. I’ll talk about that another
time.
One important thing to consider is if a person
is in an episode and is lying, you may want
to use a number of strategies to head off
potential lies that could hurt you locally
or at your place of employment.
I can’t get into it today but in my supporter
courses I have many strategies on how to
deal with this.
Well I wanted to write a follow up to my
email the other day on lying. Tell me
what you think by posting below.
Your friend,
Dave
–
P.S. Don’t forget to take a look through the
different programs I’ve put together… each one is designed
to help you with a different area of bipolar disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
P.P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
Hi Dave,
I have read your e-mails and I must tell you how much they have helped me in dealing with this problem.
In response to your lates e-mail, I am so grateful to learn that they can remember the awful things they say because there have been times when I felt like I was going mad… I have even had comments like “you think the wrong way” and believe me I have searched my soul to see what I am doing wrong. My situation is far from being good with all the lies and other folks believing them how on earth can one justify themself there seems no way out of this one.
Thank you Dave
Trisha
I did not read earlier emails thoroughly, but as a bp person, I kind of resent being called a liar and someone who doesn’t accept responsibility.
I fully accept responsibility for my actions and have never used bp as a crutch or an excuse. Nor have I lied.
Caregivers are often hurt, and that’s unfortunate, but please don’t group us into the same group. BP people have challenges just like non-bp people. Having bp is no excuse for bad behavior. But not having it is no reason to sound like an expert. Because you’re not.
dave, my son has moved out he’s 26 did things that are not a normalroute for most people. he lives with a girl i never met had (a child i’ll never see) his words were more harsh. he does not believe he has bp now. she told him this also. but the lies and name calling he told are hurting me beyond anything i ever felt.he makes me out as the worst witch and makes up stories like a movie script.every one that don’t know me believes him and don’t except this condition. he’s in his own world and his debts and all are not real to him.his version is they can’t do anything to him.this is hurting me a lot my blood pressure was near a stroke last night went to the hospital he don’t care if i live or die. thank you for your help i read it but still can’t shake the drama he he causes me. god bless, joanne
Dave,
You nailed it. Its not just the fact that a lie was told, its the accountabiity aspect that gets my goat. My husband lies constantly when in an episode about everything but when confronted will react very much like a child. He’ll stare at the ground and either say nothing or provide a childlike response. Its very much about self-preservation and ego boosting in his particluar situation. And yes after all the lies and manipulation he comes out smelling like a rose. Everyone thinks he is just wonderful and I am viewed as the villian. Very, very annoying. Do all folks with bipolar disorder lie like this? No as I do have other friends with forms of the disorder that certainly do not BUT these folks are also in control of their health and stay on top of all aspects of their life.
Nancy
Hi Dave,
My son has bi-polar and is in denial and will not stay on any treatment. He recently made up a story that resulted in his father getting locked up. I know he probably believes this story, but he has been like this for several years. After a major depressive episode, he went into this state:(manic, sometimes slight – sometimes more severe); but he never has come “out of it”. It has been several years now and I am curious if anyone else has experienced anything like this.
THANK YOU SO MUCH DAVE, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT LYING,BUT MY BOYFRIEND SAYS SOME HURTFUL THING TO ME, TELLING ME WHAT TO DO AND ALSO HE TELLS ME TO BATHE MYSELF, WHICH IS IM BARISING TO ME BECAUSE IM A CLEAN PERSON AND HE HAS NO RIGHT DOING THAT TO ME. I TELL HIM YOU EITHER ECCEPT ME THE WAY I AM, OR THERES THE DOOR. LOVE PAULA.
I just read your e-mail on Lying and Bipolar Disorder. I appreciate all of the e-mails I have gotten lately. It’s hard to find people that truely understand Bipolar disorder and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it other than my family. You said that they don’t remember the things they say, but can they remember what they have said. Some of the things are very hurtful and I think that he should be held accountable for his actions. My brother is working, but not consistantly. He can’t afford his medication, and his wife recently took their four children and left. He says he knows he’s not perfect, but I don’t know if he really understands why she has left. I would like to purchase your packet, but currently I am in my last year of college and money is very tight for me. I have been searching for a long time for “help” and I am hoping that I will be able to purchase this soon. It would be nice to see my brother live a more normal life. I would like him to experience life more fully. He told me recently he is tired of all the thoughts racing through his mind at once and that he would like to be able to shut them off.
Thank you for the e-mails and encouragment!
Becky
Dear Dave,
I have a son who is 14 and every word out of his mouth is a lie. I read your reader Dave’s comment about your recent email about lying and b.p. He is what we all want out children and loved ones to be RESPONSIBLE. Every day is a challenge when it comes to bp in all of our lives. I pray every day for some sort of guidance and appreciate all the emails I get. Saying that a bp person lies is in general i am sure. Most of us have family members and loved ones we support that are NOT stable and do not act RESPONSIBLE for their actions. That is why we are here. Don’t take offense to the Lying comment. It is just general I am sure. Coming from a mom of bp son who lies as he speaks and is violent, it only helps when others let you know that they deal with it and you are not ALONE. I posted the e mail where one woman spoke of how tired she was on my refrigerator as a reminder to me that I am not alone and B.P. is not my fault.
The biggest problem with this is if the person with bipolar is in a legal situation. If they say one thing to one person and something else To someone else, well it can get messy, can’t it? If they are mid episode, what can be done if it is a legal situation, a cop wouldn’t understand, nor would a judge, would they? This is something I would love to know more about, it bothers me tremendously.
Hi Dave,
With your help, my grandaughter and I have figured out that her mom,my daughter is in an episode every 2 weeks. It is so hard on my grandaughter who is now 16. She lived with us from age 10 to 15 and is a very respectful, respected, kind child but has become outspoken this past few months to protect herself. I do remind her to remain calm and not argue with her mom during these episodes as you had mentioned how futile that is and can escalate the anger on her mom’s part.
The worst part is that she has all her friends convinced her daughter is a terrible person and the lies she tells others about her are so demeaning. My grandaughter is reading your messages now and it is helping her to stay above this but she is very much pained and angry at the horrible lies which can actually threaten her future in her town.
I’ve wondered recently at some of the lies I hear she has told about her years as a teen. These things never occurred and THANK GOODNESS I generally have proof of it if needed. It is hurtful to the core of my being ,but I find it MORE hurtful to see my goodhearted grandaughter go through this with her.
We are so glad you are here. Thank goodness you are sharing your experience and real life info with us!
It is helpful beyond belief !
Barbi
I don’t see why this is an issue unless someone
is in an episode or not taking their meds.David I
think you live in a fantasy world because everyone
LIES,even healthy people.
David I really think you should write about
lesbian gay bi transgendered issues and how these
issues effect these issues. thank you.
My daughter has been diagnosed with Bi-polar/manic depressive. I have caught her in some lies. But, it didn’t seem to faze her when I called her attention to it. She has recently gotten divorced and her insurance was cut off. I don’t know where to go to help her. I can’t afford to pay for all the medicines she is on, she has weened herself off of all but prosac. How can I help her? Carolyn
Hi Dave, my experience with lying, done by my spouse who has bipolar, is that it has been tied in with a lot of shame, based on actions done during the more manic times.
It is related to not following through on promises made to me and then coming up with “excuses,” or what, to me, seem like blatant “lies,” to explain away the lack of memory and follow through about the commitment made that I was depending on.
For me, it’s the ongoing disappointments I have had to suffer from these broken promises that have hurt the most. I have personalized them soooo much through the years, setting myself up to believe that I could depend on him to make a change in his behavior when in fact he wasn’t yet fully following his prescribed treatment plan for his bp. (I think that’s called insanity on my part!)
His therapist has recently described to me that often the bp person temporarily “forgets” (the logical thinking part in the frontal part of the brain gets short-circuited from the more emotional amygdala part).
Therefore, in the moment of me bringing up a broken promise issue, the memory of the commitment is brought to the surface, shame is experienced from having temporarily forgotten it and disappointing me again, even though the intent was not to purposely do that. I then have fueled the fire by emotionally taking it personally, which causes further reaction on his part.Then to cover the shame, his excuse, or what looks like to me, the “lie”, kicks in to explain away the lack of follow through.
I can’t tell you how many years and countless heartaches we have had to endure as the shame on his part got worse and worse, and the anger on my part got worse, through the buildup of these kind of interactions. It was awful for both of us.
His therapist says that this shame component is often even more accentuated for the adult bp person who has suffered from emotional trauma issues in the past. I found that interesting.
It wasn’t until my husband actually started “working” his program, with the meds/therapy/
increased supports,(and with the spiritual component of depending on God for strength) that he got more stabilized and better able to take more responsibility for his actions and the impact it was having on our relationship.
He has stabilized fairly well, with close monitoring by his professionals and support from me, and I am thankful to say, that we have been able to work through a lot of the hurt incurred by his “lying” behaviors.
By me offering forgiveness and him addressing his issues “head on,” we have been able to salvage a very rocky marriage, end our separation, celebrate our 25th anniversary, draw a line in the sand, and walk through this “together” whatever may come our way.
I hope this is encouraging to some. There IS hope, but it takes a lot of work on both parts.
Debbie
i have bipolar disorder and i think you hit the nail on the head about the lieing. before i knew i had bipolar disorder i used to have tantrums and would lie and knew i was lieing but could not stop. and it made my loved ones hurt and wonder about me. some people dont understand what you meant about the lieing but i understand and have been through it.
love your emails btw.
ttys,tina
People are probably going to be pissed off but my fiance was kind of childish, just kind of, during mania. I felt like I was looking after a child who had autism. His doctor asked me how I was and that’s what I told her.
There were similarities:
1. Both autism and mania need constant attention (for different reasons)
2. Both operate under their own special logic, that once you figure out what that logic is you can bargain with them to cooperate with you.
3. Both can have aggression that can be curbed
4. Both will do things that don’t make sense to those around them (spinning objects with autism, or deciding to don most of the clothes in their closet at once with mania).
5. Both will aggravate you and make you laugh
6. To help both you must push both out of their comfort zones. Make the child with autism try new foods, make the person with mania get treatment.Both will think these things respectively are unnecessary.
7. Both really crave human connection but might not know how/be able to maintain it.
8. Touch/pressure is usually soothing to both
9.Both seem to like to know what is going to happen next (It would be like saying,”First we are getting in the car and then we are going to dinner” to the child.To the adult you would say, “How do you feel about getting in the car and going to dinner?”)
10. A certain amount of truth stretching is acceptable from you and from them. I told my fiance we were going to dinner and I took him to the hospital. He was both annoyed with me and relieved too. He would ask me for money and I lied and told him I didn’t have any.
That lie was to protect us both and he was glad I lied to him later on.
Again, I disagree with this line of blogging. I have had bipolar for years, and attend a support group and know quite a few bp people and we are not the scheming, irresponsible, detestable liars you folks are making us out to be. In fact, I meet a lot of non-bp people who are the most self-interested, ego-maniacal, unethical, snakey people I’ve seen. I know partners of bp people who have abandoned them for horrible reasons or no reasons at all. What about these people? Should we abandon them if they are suddenly disabled in a car accident?
Don’t paint with a broad brush because you may get swept with it. Stop generalizing, people!
Hi Dave this site is wonderful I just recently split with a man after 5 years who had seizures, bp and addiction issues.I was lied to, manipulated more than anything and his episodes were very self destruting of him banging his head on a metal pole, the sterrring wheel of his car, our bedroom door and anything else he claimed he couldnt feel pain the words he would scream were false off the wall.A phychiatrist told him this over a year ago he was put on seriquel and dilantin and began blowing coke and had another seizure. He is in denial of being bp he claims he is a manic and I have bp his friends and family accept him and I of course look like the bad one for telling him he needs to stay on medication and do therapy. Know that I left due to him being on ecasty and drinking he had a woman atttack me and beat me up and left me and continued to party it was my fault u can never win with them and for some reason he couldnt understand why I was so upset with him.He has threatened to me that he sabbed himself with scissors and moving them arround in his leg during an episode than as coming down admitted he was lying. He has also threatend suicide I called his parents and nobody wants to help him. i think if he dosn’t see it at age 29 he never will i have tried and feel like a failure I don’t know what else to do Thanks Dave for listening Faye
I must live a sheltered life (I know I don’t.) because I am bipolar, I know many bp people and I have never experienced these episodes of terror you folks are writing about.
Not denying they exist, but if you look at the population as a whole, you will see the same bad behavior.
I resend being grouped into this category. I am a single parent raising three good children, saving for their college, holding a job. I don’t want a parade in my honor. I just want some balance in this discussion. Doubt if I’ll get it because it seems there are no bp people writing today. I’ve been taken advantage of by men and women and I don’t think they had bp. But even if they did, I wouldn’t ascribe lying and being bad with all bp people, just as I wouldn’t pin certain poor behavior on other groups. Many successful bp parents out there. I personally know them. And they are NOT liars.
I have never seen as much truth as I have with this last email. My ex g/f is in severe denial and although is on medication seems to be a habitual lier and blames her problems on everyone else. I love her and always will but I have had enough 6 years…2 years as a lover and 4 just as a friend. I am sorry I had to let go but feel if I don’t she will destroy us both. She doesnt lie all the time or everyday..it’s just she creates these webs and then they catch up to her and she always blames me? unreal I tell you. I know that sometimes that is what is best.
It is clear that not everyone with BiPolar has the same symptoms during an episode. It is horribly painful when the BP person is your mother, and lies about you, especially when a developing teen. My mother was retched. I think she chooses not to acknowledge, as opossed to forgetting. If called on something, she recalls in a fuzz, or tries to deny. Big problem is she has never accepted responsibility, nor corrected the wrong information to others. I lived 400 miles away from my family, and extended family, for 30 years, to heal. I did visit. My only comfort, when growing up, was my grandparents. They told me they did not believe the things my mother said about me. At least I knew that someone loved me, and saw me for myself.
There needs to be some better treatment, cure, understanding, of BiPolar. Or a colony on Mars where BiPolar’s can live, away from the rest of us.
To me, it seems that there is some connection between Negative thinking, personality, and actions, linked to BiPolar. The medical industry needs to understand the chemical balance of negativity, to create a “happy” pill for BiPolar control. My Mom has been on Zoloft for the last 4 years, and is on 150 mg daily. It barely helps at all. But, she is now on Aricept & Namenda (for dementia) and there is much improvement, as she no longer seems able to get high, or truly low, just stays in a level mood.
Another thing is why is it that sometimes he admitted it and other times he would say that he didn’t and i had it I know women who have the disorder and are not nearly as bad as he is none of them are on medication either but for some reason he is out of control at least once a month and then back to the most wonderful person in the world i never really understood it or thought it was aas bad as it got i just want the best for him but nobody can get through to him is this how it works
Hi Dave!:
I’m new to BP, which is NOT me, but is my Step-Son, who is 17. He is a high school drop-out, drinks beer &/or hard liquor. He is a cutter–thankfully, he doesn’t cut himself anymore. He sees a therapist once a week and is on 3 different meds. He has told my wife that he doesn’t want to pursue school. He rather look for a job (which he hasn’t yet). He doesn’t even have a GED, so work will be tough.
Dave, your emails help me everyday–please keep them coming.
Thank you Dave
Hi Dave,
I have read your e-mails and what you have said reminds me so much of my son Greg. Up until now I haven’t believed he was bi-polar just the way he was. I always though his lying, not paying bills, spending money out of control was just his personality. That is until I read your e-mails. The only problem, you don’t say how to deal with it
Thanks Dave
Shirlie
Concerning the bipolar Liar–it is difficult to make them accountable. That comment of not letting them get away with it is one of the hardest for me as mother of daughter who is bipolar and highly intelligent. I always know as I learned being married to her father for 10 years. I am still looking for ways to prove to her that she is also not always right.
Well, at least if we’re sent to Mars, we could enjoy our mania together!! Seriously, I mentioned in my last blog on this subject, that some, if not all, bipolars have DELUSIONS which is a result of the chemical imbalance in their brain circuits, that they can’t distinguish reality from fantasy.
I wrote about my delusions (daughter of God, surgeon was my father, that I was pregnant), none of which were TRUE. But – I truly believed them. For instance, when a nursing student who visited the State Mental Hospital where I was incarcerated asked me why I thought I was pregnant, I answered, “I just know.” I had the DELUSION that I was pregnant because I couldn’t add 2+2 and come up with 4 – it was always another number (i.e., the way that I was feeling, the external and internal influences around me, made me FEEL like I was pregnant), so, therefore, my NUMBERS were wrong.
As far as out-and-out lying is concerned, yes, I have told some whoppers, and tried to cover my ass as best I could. Yes, they were self-serving at the time, and yes, I was NOT held accountable because of my bipolar disorder. Should I have been accountable?? I personally don’t think so.
The illness is SO powerful that it does take over our thinking process/moods by a chemical process in the brain that is a PHYSICAL abnormality, and not something that we can CONTROL.
I’m sorry for all the supporters of their loved ones that get hurt in the process. I KNOW I hurt my Mother with the delusions/lying, but I PHYSICALLY couldn’t help myself. When the mania was brought under control and I was no longer delusional, I could look back and see how absolutely STUPID and WRONG I had been, and I WAS ashamed. When I got out of the hospital (three admissions), I was allowed to live with my Mom for at least a year to live down some of the hurt I had caused. The period of recovery was HARD on me AND my Mom, but somehow we struggled and survived…
I can only admonish the supporters to be patient with the ones they love, and hope that through a viable treatment plan with meds, therapy, etc., their loved ones can recover and lead productive lives.
BIG HUGS to all supporters of bipolars and to the bipolars themselves who try soooo hard to accommodate their illness daily. God loves you, and so do I.
This is my first day on this blog, and I missed the email about bp and lying. But after reading all these comments, I am very concerned that my husband may be bp. He has times, usually 1-3 months at a time, when he is just perfect – loving, considerate, patient, giving. And then everything falls apart. He is angry, abusive, somewhat physically but mostly verbally – and I never know what sets it off. And for some reason….when I seek help for him through family and friends, NOBODY believes me!!!! They all think I am the one who needs meds. The lies are what confuse me the most because it is always about something stupid, something not worth lying about!! Silly things like whose towel is on the bathroom floor? I only asked because I am trying to teach my three young sons to pick up after themselves. They all said it was Daddy’s – without talking to each other! He denied it. Just dumb stuff most of the time, but other times…just completely fabricated stories about our life….WHY??? and WHat do I do? I also have a son who lies pretty regularly, although he is only 4. Now I wonder if he too is bp, or is just learning these behaviors. HELP!!
I am right in the midst of this type of situation.
I am bipolar, (with a few other disorders that aren’t as relavent(sp) but the person I was involved with for more than a year, is in huge denial. The one time he took a shot at getting treatment, (not by any urging from me,I think he started to realize it)he started a medication that messed with his sexuality, in that he couldn’t, or it took forever, to ejaculate.
Otherwise, this drug really had a great affect on him. He knew that as well, but the sexual side affects were too strong and it never seemed to end.
When he was on this med, (lexapro), he was a dream. It helped him with his anxiety and it seemed to help him to open up to me, which, of course, made the relationship great.
The sad thing is, since he has stopped the medication, not only does he feel he hasn’t any problems, but we aren’t a couple anymore, though we still talk, and he can be so nasty and intolerable that I am having a hard time forgiving him.
He actually admits it sometimes,that he shoots his mouth off without thinking, but he doesn’t seem to feel any remorse.
It all seems very similar to the email that you recieved and sent as an example.
The lack od accountablilty, the forgetting that things were said, etc., I’m so close to throwing in the towel, but if he would get help and be the person I know he can be, I’m afraid I’d be losing my soulmate.
Sincerely, Suzalee
Hi Dave,
Thank you for taking the time and trouble to care for others as well as educate the carers of bp.patients.
I would like to know why is that the person with bp has one personality with the familiy at home and another with everybody else. It is hard for outside people to believe that there is anything wrong when all they know is this charming person. I always wonder how is that my husband can lie looking at my eyes (I always thought that a liar cannot look at the eyes of the person they ae lying to). I understand what in one of the comments a lady said that her husband gets angry at the smallest things such as asking if the towel on the bathroom floor is his. It is so upsetting all the rage and unpredictibility of life the bp people make us live, it has made me now quite ill. Illnesses I never had before but the stress is so much. To the people who get upset about some things that you say, they should understand that every case is different and you are just trying to help the ones who suffer the situations you are mentioning. Please continue helping us. May God bless you. D.
Thanks to Debbie. That ‘shame’ game has been the story of our marriage too. I look back on the disappointments and know that I need to lower my expectations of how our relationship will be. It is so hard and feels like I need some bereavement therapy almost!
As a “Stable” person with Bipolar Disorder for almost 6 years now, I know how it feels to lie to my family and friends. Horrible, is a good word. Of course, this means that the ill person must have some kind of morals and ethics to feel any kind of sorrow or regret for these actions against people they love. For myself, every lie I ever told was told while at the very same time my mine was screaming, “Don’t say that, you don’t mean it, why are you doing this, it isn’t right, you are a good person, stop it, stop it, stop it!” I can not say for other ill people with this terrible disease that we did nothing to deserve it. We were simply born with the chance of it happening to us due to family DNA history. I have trace my family history and know exactly where it comes from. I ask myself why did I get it and not my sister. Then, I say, I could never wish this on anyone I love, especially my sister. She has her own special burdens to bear.
The major point I would like to make is that when a person with Bipolar Disorder has shown to be in a “Stable” mood for at least one to two years, their family needs to start cuttin them some slack. Everything that happens in the immediate and extended family is not the fault of the ill person. Let the Bipolar Person know that they are being considered the guilty party, so they can try to clear their name instead of somehow accidentally finding out about their so-called guilt years later. This happened to me with my brother-in-law’s father and something to do on his farm. When I found out many behaviors and why I was not allowed to go visit up there and other things suddenly made sense. It took me one phone call to a county agent to clear my name. In the years that I was suppose to be the guilty party, my Mom died thinking I was guilty, because of the case that the family laid down to her. The agent said that the “anonymous” phone call was a man. There was no way that I could have been the guilty party. I asked him to call my sister to straighten the family out. He had not answered any of their questions on who had called several years earlier, but when I told him how I had been fingered by the family and how it had affected my life and I knew I was not guilty, he went to his records and confirmed to me that a man had called in the tip, but he did not know who it was, he only had suspicions on who the man was. He agreed to call my sister.
I agree that for a Bipolar person to lie to family members while in the throes of a mood swing is horrible. Please believe me that for the ill person, it can be just as bad. We have to live with knowing we lied and the consequences of those lies. I read that there is a theory that some people do not remember lying or what went on during those times. I truly wish I could say that was true for me. I still have terrible nightmares of those times and am still paying for them with my family. They still do not trust me. I am a 48, almost 49 year old woman with a Masters Degree plus additional courses and a genius IQ. I have had many failures in my career due to my Biplar Disorder and I have had several extreme successes in my career. I now have permanent disabilities from a very close to death experience with Lithium Toxicity that a former psychiatrist would not listen to my symptoms and blackouts of toxicity. She refused to do simple toxicity blood tests for 4-5 months. My Lithium level was over 3.2. A lethal level.
I am now on disability and trying to do Homebusinesses through the Internet for my Dad’s company.
Thank you for your emails and seminars. Please do not forget in your anger from your life situation that we are angry too for having this diesease that we did not ask for. People who find out that I have it after treating as a nomal person, automatically become distant and treat me as if I can not take a leadership role in a club and that any idea I have is not any good. We still parias walking on this land. Mental Health is not a top priority to educate people about the different kinds and how to treat people with a Mental Disorder.
Hi Dave,
My husband is bipolar. He does lie when he’s in a manic episode. He distorts the truth. I think he believes what he says, and he’s also very manipulative.
I don’t think you were calling bipolar people “liars” as a slam on their character. I’ve been dealing with this for 22 years of marriage and unfortunately it’s part of the illness.
It’s hard to be married to someone who lies though. Our lives are intertwined yet I can’t believe what he tells me. It’s very difficult.
Thanks for your help Dave.
Ana
My husband is bp but has been not been on meds until 2 months ago-this has been a BAD summer and FAll-taking trileptal. HE needs more of something-is seeing doctor specialist soon. During this time he decided he was in love with someone 21 years younger than he and I find he has been giving her expensive gifts-lingerie, furniture and the like. I found out quite by chance. I don’t think I can get over this with all the history we have had. Been married forever. I know that lying is part of his illness. I know that all bp don’t ly but he certainly does. I am having a difficult time seperating illness and HIM. BAD time for me. I am very sad and mad. What to do?
Hi Dave,
I can understand how bp people believe they never lie. My bp son twists things in his mind, and then believes them. He accuses us of promising something, or that he tells me something he only thinks or that he tells his dad. It can be extremely frustrating!
It would be wonderful for him to be able to be medicated all the time, for when he is, he is much better able to maintain a job and be decent to his son and us. He is unable to maintain a relationship, partly because of his inability to keep things totally straight in his mind.
Lots more concern, but enough for now!
Angelique
A comment about lying; there is a difference between lying and saying something false. Lying is intentional and deceiving. False is misinformation, perhaps the teller truly believes. Either way, when someone with bipolar calls the police to report an incident that never occured, it does not matter if it is lying or misinformation. The supporter gets hauled off to jail and a criminal record. Guilty or not, law enforcement can be over zealous and the innocent supporter suffers most. Very sad, but very real!
Steve
A comment about lying; there is a difference between lying and saying something false. Lying is intentional and deceiving. False is misinformation, perhaps the teller truly believes. Either way, when someone with bipolar calls the police to report an incident that never occured, it does not matter if it is lying or misinformation. The supporter gets hauled off to jail and a criminal record. Guilty or not, law enforcement can be over zealous and the innocent supporter suffers most. Very sad, but very real!
Steve
You are right on about how people with bipolar can rearrange the truth. I have found they do it and I don’t know until afterwards that they were being dishonest. I live with a bipolar person untreated and it is very difficult at times. Since she is a daughter-in-law she thinks her mother in law is fair game. I don’t want to sound resentful. I just want her to get the help she needs. I have grandchildren who will benefit from that treatment long after I am gone.
I am so grateful for your contacts. They continue to give me encouragement and hope that life will get better.
Shirl
Hi Dave,
I just love reading your emails. Some have helped me tremendiously. I take what I need and leave the rest. Thank you for your different point of views. I am Bipolar and am just recently finding this out. It sure explains alot of my behaviors. I’m 44 and a mother of two. Recently have been experiencing some things with Lying. I’ve always taught my daughters it’s wrong to lie but It’s not ok to be brutally honest all the time. As such when its not necessary and will only hurt someone. I’ve found myself at wits end with my 17 yr old daughter who was spending all her money on Pot. I tried talking to her about it with no success and so I resorted to telling her her checks stopped comming. And I just started to give here her money a little at a time. Well as always she found out and is angry at me for lying to her. I feel like I went against my own morals but at the same time I felt like … Im not sure. Now she is angry at me for the lie and I feel like crap. Not sure why I chose to take that direction. But I know it was wrong. My behaviors have been so erratic all my life and some times I just don’t make the best of choices. Being a mom is a tough job anyways but still is the one I love the most. I tried to explain to my girls about my recent findings(being bipolar) but I don’t think they understand and at the same time I don’t want to sound like Im using it as an excuse for my behavior. Im really trying to think before I speak. And having a recent head injury from a car accident(A.D.D) dosen’t help any. I just keep truckin. And again thanks for your point of views
Dave, I am a bipolar sufferer,and when I am in an episode (the ones tat are mild enough to remember) I tend to make up stories I know are lies andthink to myself afterwards “I know thatsnot true why did I tell it” Things just seem to come out of my mouth without my having any control over it. I’m not trying to hurt anybody and I feel exteremly guilty fornot being honest I’ll even go back to that person and apologiize for having said something that wasn’t true.
I know its not right to lie but sometimes it just seems like the truth filter between my braiin and my mouth has been turned off.
Enough with the ‘they don’t remember’. My BP X remembered all her lies down to the T. The lies were elaborate and well thought out for maximum damage. This weapon was to be used for any small reason at any given time. Medicated or unmedicated. There was always the unspoken and spoken threat of what could be said or implied to others. Also, any other female was a threat and needed to be removed. In fact all friends were to be replaced by the need for 111% of my time and energy. The lies targeted the relationship with my children, childrens mother, friends, coworkers, job and freedom. (she called the cops twice after destoying MY apartment and damaging MY car) Always the threat of ‘don’t get me mad’. Also the lying about her male friends was always present. I didn’t mind them but when always woven in a lie, what would one think. I make a point not to lie so dealing with a constant liar, never truthful manipulative BP person is traumatizing. In the end I didn’t believe a word from her lips. If they were moving she was lying. Only true thing she ever said was ‘I’m the best liar you ever met’. After (over) analyzing this relationship, as not to repeat something like this, I can not and will not accept the ‘they can’t help themselves’ act. As another writer wrote, the lies are never exposed or admitted to others.
Sound familiar???