Hi,
How’s it going?
Hope all is well with you today.
I wanted to drop a quick email about
an important issue about bipolar disorder
and it ties into the two emails that I sent over
the last two days about lying and bipolar disorder.
Yesterday I had a few things happen to me.
I had someone call me on my cell phone
super mad at me saying that I say that
all people with bipolar disorder lie.
I pulled over and explained to them
what I am about to explain to you in a
few seconds.
I saw another email from someone that said:
“You should be ashamed of yourself! Calling
us bipolars liars. I am not a liar!!!!!
I have never been a liar!!!!. Maybe
you should go out a meet some good
bipolars and then you wouldn’t speak
so bad of us!!!”
-Sue
Then I saw a blog post that said:
“Again, I disagree with this line of blogging.
I have had bipolar for years, and attend a
support group and know quite a few bp people
and we are not the scheming, irresponsible,
detestable liars you folks are making us out
to be.
In fact, I meet a lot of non-bp people who
are the most self-interested, ego-maniacal,
unethical, snakey people I’ve seen. I know
partners of bp people who have abandoned them
for horrible reasons or no reasons at all. What
about these people? Should we abandon them if
they are suddenly disabled in a car accident?
Don’t paint with a broad brush because you may
get swept with it. Stop generalizing, people!”
==================
With this said, I wanted to set the record
straight on why I write certain daily
emails.
One of my goals with this is to help
both people who have bipolar disorder and
those who are supporting someone with it.
I want to provide solid, real, practical
information that is generally NOT related
to the technical aspects of bipolar disorder
like all the different bipolar medications out
there.
What I mean is, there are sites that post information
on how bipolar medications may work, what bipolar
medications work, how a person’s brain works,
and many other very boring and complicated things
that in my opinion absolutely don’t need to
be known unless you are a doctor or it’s a
hobby of yours to know such things.
In my writings, and in all my courses/systems
at:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
I talk about bad things that can result
from a person who is in a bipolar episode.
And I go a step further and don’t just say
“oh this bad thing can happen,” and leave
it at that, I say this and that could happen
and here is what to do to prevent it from
happening and if that doesn’t work, here’s
what you can do after it happens.
I am very how to oriented or focused.
With that said, there is no question,
that when many people go into a bipolar
episode, they may misperceive reality,
be confused, destroy the truth all which
many argue is simply lying.
I am clear to explain that there are two
types of situations with a person like
this.
1. There is a person who lies all the
time and then goes into a bipolar episode
and is lying like the normally do whether
they are in an episode or not. This person
probably needs intense therapy to solve
the problem of lying because it’s not related
to their bipolar disorder.
2. There is a person who either almost never
lies or absolutely never lies and then
it’s a bipolar episode that causes them to
distort the truth, misperceive reality
or what some would call lie. Once this
person is not in the episode they are
back to telling the truth so to speak.
Now I know that I offend certain people
when I say some things. For example, I was
flooded with “I can’t believe you are calling
people with bipolar disorder liars” emails
yesterday.
I never did such a thing. What I am doing is,
making it known to the tens of thousands of people
on my list that if a person goes into an episode,
he/she could wind up doing what many call lying.
You see, I am sending this out for an advanced
warning to those that don’t know bipolar disorder
well. There are many people on my list that
are dealing with loved ones that have bipolar
disorder and are in episodes and they are trying
to figure out why things are being said
that aren’t true. It’s being done so much
they kind of start to feel they are losing
it.
I remember with myself, my mom, who never lies
(and truly when my mom is in a episode, she winds
up distorting the truth not lying…I know it
sounds like it’s making up excuses or it’s a kind
of spin, but this is how I see it)
unless she is in a episode.
My mom wounds up saying all kinds of things
to all kinds of people that were simply
not true. It was so confusing. I thought
I was going insane myself. NOBODY
or nothing (book, manual, support group, etc),
told me that if a person is in an episode
with bipolar disorder, he/she could wind up
making things up or not really knowing
what was true or not true.
As a results for many months, I was super
confused and wasted a lot of time.
With this said, this is one reason I go
out of my way to get people discussing
things of this nature.
It’s funny that even though I got so much
hate mail yesterday from people with
bipolar saying I was discriminating against
those with bipolar and that I should
get some bipolar friends, I don’t think
people know the following:
I employee 8 people with bipolar disorder (
more than 50% of the people that work
for me in this organization).
-I have lots of friends with bipolar disorder
-I volunteer at several places that help
those with bipolar disorder and have been
doing so for years.
-I take probably 50 phone calls a week from
those with bipolar disorder
-I read hundreds of letters a month
from those with bipolar disorder
-I see my mom all the time 🙂
-Everyone who works for me with bipolar
disorder reads everything that I write
and generally has no problem with it.
For the most part, I would have to
say, I don’t think there are too
many people in the world with more contact
with those with bipolar disorder than me
:).
Anyway, I wanted to write today to let
you know that I am going to keep on
sending out information that will get
people to think, get people to know
what might be coming around the corner
and help people prevent little and
big problems that bipolar disorder
causes.
I will say this finally. In another
business that I have, I deal with
people who lie all the time. They do NOT
have bipolar disorder.
I have a friend that for some reason
lies all the time. I mean all the
time. For years and about everything.
It’s amazing. I know he has a disorder
or some kind. It’s NOT bipolar disorder.
There are disorders that cause a person
to lie but that’s out of my area of
expertise.
For all of those out there that pointed
out that it’s not just people with
bipolar disorder that lie all the time,
you are 100% correct.
Remember when we are talking lying and
bipolar disorder we are talking a person
in an episode.
Hopefully I won’t get too much hate
mail from this post.
Hey tomorrow I am super excited about
something that I am going to be writing.
VERY excited. Check your email tomorrow
morning.
You’re going like it and it’s something
you are NEVER EVER going to hear anywhere
else.
Well catch you later.
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Don’t forget to take a look through the
different programs I’ve put together… each one is designed
to help you with a different area of bipolar disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
P.P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
David,
Just so you know, I’m a recently diagnosed bipolar, and I didn’t take offense to your emails about liars.
I personally have been one, on and off. To myself and others. Doing insane things like inviting people from another country to come live with us (my husband, children) with the pretense I was going to leave my husband. Of course, this guy showed up, and he stayed for a while. What I had done didn’t become real to me until he showed up. Then I avoided him at all costs, ended up sending him home a few weeks later. Luckily everything went without problems. I didn’t cheat on my husband, but if I hadn’t come down to reality prior to figuring out what I did was wrong. Who knows what I would’ve done.
Anyway – I’m getting treatment now so that I will never hurt my family again. I personally appreciate your blog/emails because they help me see that I’m not that abnormal (for being bipolar that is).
Thanks Dave.
My husband and my son both have bipolar disorder and I agree the lies do come out very often. My husband and I are seperated and I want to get divorced. He is currently in jail. He wrote me a letter that I needed to hurry up and get him divorce papers because he is going to marry someone else and then the next letter is saying he wants to work things out. I just want to be divorced and get things over with because I am sick of his lies.
Rather than saying a person in an “episode” TELLS LIES, why not just say it correctly? When on a swing in moods, bipolars simply misinterpret reality? Once again, wording gets you in trouble because, you are insinuating character flaws in the bipolar themselves. This is the worst thing that one can say about a bipolar. We do not have character flaws such as the LYING you suggest. It is part of the disorder and NOT the person.
David,
I want you to know that I appreciate your email on Lying and BP – my husband was not a liar in the past, but has over the past 2 years started to do this, and now, after being on lithium for about 2 months – I’m noticing it much more.
So thank you, because I do feel like I am going crazy being with him. It is definitely tough being married with 2 young children to a man with Bi-polar, who is off and on again regarding getting treated.
Rather than saying a person in an “episode” TELLS LIES, why not just say it correctly? When on a swing in moods, bipolars simply misinterpret reality? Once again, wording gets you in trouble because, you are insinuating character flaws in the bipolar themselves. This is the worst thing that one can say about a bipolar. We do not have character flaws such as the LYING you suggest. It is part of the disorder and NOT the person.
To Lee Ann,
I agree. I tried to make that clear but I guess it wasn’t totally. Anyway, I agree with you.
Dave
David,
My late husband (30 years, 5 children) had bipolar. One of our children has bipolar. A grandchild has bipolar and a friend I’ve loved for years has bipolar. All have told whoppers when in episodes. Some lied when not in episodes. I wish I’d known it was their disease and not the person who has the disease telling those fables, for the past 37 years.
I think lying has a time and place, and is not the worst thing ever or the result of a character flaw. If you think my new dress is ugly, isn’t it better to lie than to be honest? If I cooked something icky for dinner, are you going to come clean? What if I start crying? You’re going to lie.
How many of you have lied in the last 24 hours? Small lies, not big lies such as claiming to have won the lottery. Before you freak out, think about how often you lie. Everyone lies, everyone. So calm down. It is not always a deliberate deception, especially with people with bipolar in an episode.
Hi David,
It is important for your readers to know that lying is in fact a key indicator of bipolar disorder… in children. If there weren’t any connections between the two, then this wouldn’t be a key indicator when diagnosing children with bipolar.
I think you’re doing a great job helping us all be more aware of the complications of bipolar disorder. Although your readers point out that not all people with bipolar are liars, it is worth pointing out that more often than not, people with bipolar are. Notice, not you nor I said that ALL people with bipolar are liars – just enough to make it an important topic when trying to understand those people we love who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
I am bipolar type 2, and took no offense to your observations. While it is true that there are liars, or “spin masters”, in the general population, those lies are generally more premeditated than those in a bipolar episode.The bipolar “lie” is definitely due to misperception. I believe that those that are taking offense do not realize that every sign of bipolar disease does not apply to every person. Sometimes a little objectivity goes a long way.
I do agree with this I feel like there is an answer to what I couldn’t understand for the past five years the lies are mainly during an episode and they sound so ridicolous and hurtful I was always so baffled and scared the little fibbing about the dog farting instead of him or the towls on the bathroom floor not being his he would be very sensitive about things and make up stupid things it just never made sense to me untill I just started reading this Thank you everyone
Hi Dave,
First of all allow me to appologise for not responding sooner (you have emailed me at least twice per day since April) and I thank you for that.
Sounds like you are having a bit of trouble pleasing all of the people all of the time.
My 48 yr old wife to be is the one that I support and if it were not for your daily emails I seriously don’t believe that she would be alive today. (or maybe me too)
I have had her placed on a CTO (Community Treatment Order) which she has had to adhear to for the last 6 months….(Downside ..weight gain..loss of …….etc)
Would like to reverse that decision now that she is more stable and has proved to me over the past 4 years that she can be trusted to take her medication; especially now she has to have an injection every two weeks. (I feel guilty !) Can you help ?
Your Friend
Daryl
ADELAIDE South Australia
David,
Thank you. Having been in two long-term relationships with bipolar men I was very relieved to see this blog. Both of the men are remarkable and highly intelligent people. They seem to leave reality and the lies often came when they were in a depressed, paranoid or psychotic episode. Much of these “lies” were their perceived truth at the moment and some were grounded in fear of being abandoned if the truth were known about their behavior while in an episode. Number one fellow did not admit to his illness until 2 years after we met. By keeping the relationship sporadic enough it took awhile to figure it out. Number two fellow did take responsibility for his illness and is being medically treated. I found the comment about lies in relationship to lithium interesting. I’m not convinced and would like to add that an unmediated or untreated person with bipolar is much or manipulative and dangerous (mostly to himself). The lies have made many women behave in crazy ways because you don’t know what you are dealing with. I was engaged to fellow number 2 up until a few months ago. The relationship almost ended and may not be revived mainly because I wasn’t aware of how to deal with living with this wonderful loving man when he hit a depressive episode. I am still very much in love with him but while he was spiraling down I did not think so. Now after he has moved 7 states away following a very dramatic departure I realize that given the tools and understanding we may be able to overcome that episode and the mistakes and yes lies that we are both admittedly responsible for. Reading this support blog has been helpful. Am I crazy for loving men like this? Perhaps. The question remains, will love and the tools of knowledge get us through another episode? Will the resentment and bitterness from being asked to leave my home be overcome? Will we be able to forgive and trust each other? With a new awareness and understanding I have forgiven and trust with all my heart the love this man has for me.
What I also believe about all of us in this universe is that if we let fear take over we will not survive anything.
Lastly, I am not only reading a lot but am going to get my own therapy before making the next move.
Thank you for your honest comments on bipolar.
To anyone out there who has not heard this over and over again…
“You/we are not your/our illness”.
Liz
David,
After hearing the Oprah show a couple of weeks ago and the follow up this week, I have become convinced that my 44 year old daughter is bipolar. She lives in a different state.
The articles you have sent me make me feel like you know exactly what has happened with her. I would like to get her help, but do not know where to start. A couple of years ago, a few of my family members were going to do an intervention to at least get her some kind of help. It all backfired. At that time, we didn’t know anything about bipolar.
Yes I believe people with bipolar
disorder lie all the time to make their behaviour not so out of character to others who notice .
I find this very common for them.
Its their way of coping
gracb2u@yahoo.ca
Oct.7.2007.
Dave,
I love all your e-mail’s,I have bi-polar disorder,and I am my supporter too,I just wish I had someone like you am a supporter, and I wish my hubby know what I was felling when I went in one of my episods,he is the greatest man I could ever ask for ,but he don’t wont a thing about dealing with it.You just keet it up you are the BEST.I learnd so much from you.Thanks for being you.
soft hugs to you!!!
Dave
Oh Dave, fellow supporters, bipolar folk…
I also really woke up watching Oprah and let go of building resentments, frustrations. It’s been a horrible road for my 29 y/o daughter… side effects, the therapist connection that never seems to happen,the terrible fear of facing the world naked without the fog of street drugs and alcohol.
I’m finally “getting it”; that this is HER disease, I am so powerless over it. Much as I want to fix, I need to step back and let her stumble and trip and find her way; hopefully not stepping into soon or too late.
I would ever so respectfully suggest instead of “lies” tho i do agree its important to find the difference between conscious lies and the distorted reality that our loved ones slide into from the disease, from the drugs, from cleaning up the mess.
Thanks for giving us this forum, Dave
I am a Registered Nurse who has lived through the nightmare of having a mother undiagnosed with bipolar disorder until she was in her 80s!From early adulthood I suspected something was “not quite right” with Mom’s behavior but could never get Dad to take her to the doctor or a counselor. When I became a nurse,collegues told me over the years that “it sure sounds like she is bipolar”. At 80+ she found herself on a geriatric psyche unit after attacking my father in a jelous rage. It turns out that he had known and covered up “her problem” for years, but being close to 90, he wasn’t able to do that anymore. How sad!! They came from the era when speaking of “mental illness” was taboo. Poor Mom ruined MANY lives along the way–including MY reputation in one town. She told neighbors AND her multiple doctors that I abused her, stole from her, and was having an insestuous affair with a relative! We had to move 3000 miles away– Mom passed away in 2003—and Dad in 2004. I both marvel AND shake my head at how he stuck with her for 63 years—and suffered in silence when he didn’t have to!
Dear Dave,
Please do not be offended with those remarks that you are receiving from bipolar people as that is what bipolar people are.
I dealt with this kind of problems everyday with my oldest son being Schizzo-effective bipolar. My son even calls police to make people around him into a trouble because he always think that people are mean to him.
Bipolar people are selfish. Mostly the attitude of me me me me. For example, my son would stir a trouble for me and his other siblings just to get attention from me. He would lie one after another just to get my attention. Frankly that’s a pathetic ways of getting attention.
My son would call the police if I was not listening or anyone doesn’t want to listen to him. I meant how pathetic that can be. I know that it is the illness doing it but it is very tiry.
I had to moved him from one assisted living facility to another because the assisted living facility can’t stand my son’s attitude. Now he might be kick out again because he just called the police for the owner of the facility that he is living now. Said that the owner is treating him so bad because he was always late for every meal time.
I meant how sad can that be?He can’t follow rules and regulations, he only cares about himself.
He had been in and out the hospital for a number of times. When he gets out the hospital he seem okay for a couple of months but after the medication wears off his attitude comes back again.
When my son was living with me he always calls the police because I don’t feel pity on him.
I think that having a bipolar person to care for is a cursed to the provider. Amen
Thanks for your newsletters.
Elena
You know I really didn’t pay to much attention to the comment about bipolar people lie. Heck everybody tells a lie or two. So, really it means nothing to me.
Hi David,
I agree as far as my bipolar partner goes about the lying. During a recent episode he’d blatantly lie regularly, when caught out he just didn’t seem to comprehend why I was so upset. On the other hand he could also be blatantly honest. I’m not sure what hurt the most!
I know the man I love well & when he’s well he’s not a liar but when unwell he can be very manipulative & determined to get his own way. If that means he has to lie to achieve this he won’t hesitate, the selfishness of his illness seems to stop him from caring about others feelings.
I’m sure there are other people out there with bipolar who don’t lie but obviously it can be part of it.
David so you deleted my comment. You are a Hater!
Not once in your emails do have I seen anything about LGBT issues. It’s as if you deleted issue.
not just my comment. I’m not just a bipolar supporter. I HAVE THE DISEASE MYSELF. go ahead and interview some lgbt bibolar people and supporters.
You might learn somethhing. the ball is in your court
Yes, everyone lies. EVERYONE! And for those people who are hurt by these lies or take them personally, they are never about you. Try to remember that anger, frustration, and lying is a projection of what’s going on with that person, and is often related to feelings of inferiority or lack of self-worth. For people with B.P. it is a symptom of the illness. It makes sense because B.P. effects how we see ourselves and in those moments of weakness we may often lie to boost our confidence. We’ve all done it. All of us! But if we stay the course of therapy, combined with medication, we will repair and foster stronger bonds with our loved ones. Remember to love yourself and know that you are loved.
Sincerely,
Jenny
Our 17 year old son was not a habitual lier but since he started showing signs of Bi Polar he lies, twists the truth, distorts reality, all of the above. HE DOESN”T thik he ever does any of this but there you go… Too many people witness what he really does, and of course he says we are all “against him”… We thought WE were all going crazy. Thank you for pointing out this fact about “MANY” Bi Polar people. It has helped us tremedously!
Aaron was on Seroquel for 4 weeks and we saw our real boy back for awhile, (it was amazing!) but he had to switch to Geodon because of bad side effects. I don’t thimk the Geodon is working, he’s been on it for 8 weeks but he is still strugging and mostly dishonest and depressed.
Thank you for all your help, your website and articles. Aaron was only diagnosed BiPolar three and a half months ago and we are searching for info on it.
Hi Dave your doing a great job thank you. I have no idea if I have bp or not. I believe if I have ever told even one lie I would be considered a lier. I never respond to anything, however this just made me laugh. So now I’ll go back looking at mount. MacKinnley, its a clear day here. and beautiful at that, a little cold. Winter is comming…Priscilla
Dave, I have bi-polar disease myself and am raising 4 children with it. I didn’t realize I was lying until I saw it in my children. They constantly lie, but it is more regarded as manipulation. Manipulation is lying and they do it constantly. They are old enough now that they can catch me doing. I believe sometimes that manipulation is not really a form of lying and therin may cause some misconceptions.
I am a bipolar rapid cycler. AS far as lying when I am in an episode and have delusions of grandeur I may spin a tale or two but for the most part I don’t lie. It is something once you are aware of it it is easy to control. I am currently on abilify but may terminate my use of this drug because of the side effects. I was on lithium for years but wound up with neuropathy which ended when I got off the lithium. I enjoy your articles and have been sending them to my analyst.
For anyone that does have bipolar can u please explain to me what type it its when the episodes are at least once a month, head banging involved, screaming and yelling, calling the electric co and trying to get people fired, wanting to hurt someone for starring at him, the selfishness, believing his delusions and lies. puching his chest I mean he gets set off over the littlest things that he cant control he was diagnosed bi polar 2 yrs ago and didnt continue with meds he thinks nothing is wrong and everone in his family is afraid to deal with him can someone tell me if they think it is more than bi polar or if this is just a bad case of it bc one of the girls i am friends with has it and isnt treated but isnt nearly as bad unless u have to live with the person to see it all someone please let me know if i should even try to help if he is in fulll blown denial one minute and admitting it the next thanks everyone fdiemert@hotmail.com
another comment of his is I can turn it on or off my feelings for people i never could understand that
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sorry MK I e- mailed u thinking u wanted to talk but liz does seem to know more than me I would also like to talk to liz if she sees this or anyone that knows more than I do about this disorder fdiemert@hotmail.com thanks and sorry MK
i very much agree that when someone is in an episode that they distort the truth.My son is a perfect example. He is mainly manic bp so he does alot of the grandious behavior and feels everything he says is nothing but the truth and laws and rules DO NOT applt to him. That is why he has now been sentenced to 3 yrs. in the penitentary. I am very thankful for your letters and insight but I can’t convince him to get help and in the mean time it is killing this family.?????
Hi Dave
well the only thing I have is to thank you for all the information you send everyday.
My friend was diagnose Bipolar I about 6 months ago right after a nervous breakdown he had at work.
to make this story short, his company sent him to a very aggresive therapy program and they change his medication around 11 times within 2 months and all this changes did something to his memory retention, now he forgets everything pretty easy and he had forgoten many things from his past, including good times, he also have to deal with a very rapid cycles (Ultradian). well, after all these his company fired me, and now the EEOC is looking into it.
they do lie and they can be extremetly blunt and hurtful “they are bi-polar” that should summarize it, they need help and so do we, the so call “normal people”
Thanks for all the information, it helps and Dave, I thank you from the bottom of my hearth
Dave,
I have been in therapy for over 30 years for childhood sexual and physical abuse. I am positive that they happened, but my family members have never believed me. They called me crazy.
Four years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar. I have come to realize that I am paranoid and misinterpret and embellish people’s reactions.
Is is possible that my childhood memories were dreamed up? I have the memories all the time, not just when I am bipolar. I had the usual amenesia until I was nearly 30 and have post traumatic stress disorder, too. I will feel horrible if I put my family through hell on untruths.
Dave – Thanks for clearing up that ALL bipolars are NOT liars!! For that matter, not all people WITHOUT bipolar disorder are liars…
I wrote in my last two blogs about the condition called “delusions.” This, of course, is where the bipolar CANNOT tell reality from fantasy, and actually BELIEVES the falsehood.
When/if a bipolar DOES lie, it’s to be manipulative or to cover some bizarre activity s/he’s involved with. This kind of “lying” is something the bipolar has a LITTLE control over. If they’re caught in the lie, it would only produce MORE lying, and then you have a tragic condition.
For example, my gay brother (NOT a bipolar) was a prolific liar – he lied about where he was, who he was seeing, what he bought, why he needed money from my Mom, and on and on. Soon, my Mom’s bank wouldn’t allow her to send him money. Even when he was hooked up to an IV in his apartment, he told me he had some kind of infection the doctors were treating. Only a week later, he told me he had full-blown AIDS.
Both “normal” and bipolar people lie; it’s a common method of behavior. Unfortunately, when the bipolar lies, it disrupts relationships and tears apart families.
I can’t say “why” some bipolars lie; it’s part of the condition, and SOMETIMES they CAN be held accountable for the horiffic things they say…
BIG HUGS to all bipolars and their loved ones. God loves you, and so do I.
Hi Dave,
I have spoke with my husband who has been diagnosed with bipolar 7 years ago, regarding the liar debate. In your defense…yes bipolar”s do lie. when they are in a manic they do not want their spouse or caregiver to know they are riding high. As my husband puts it you are in such a eurphoric state of mind…your superman…you are so high on life you do not want it to end so you try to cover it up from your loved ones. But since I am so bipolar educated it does not work with me. But yes he lies that he is just nervous or some other bogus excuse. Or he is doing stupid things because “he is trying something out”. Yes bipolars do lie…for two reasons…1)don’t wanna lose the high and 2)don’t want to go to hospital!
Nunz
hi my name is alexis,
my girlfriend has bipolar and im not sure whether is lying and knows it when shes in a episode or really just confused, as she says she is. she has cheated on me, broken up with me more times than i can count and then professed love, become violent when she was drunk (shes also an alcoholic), and, of course, lied. ive cut her slack that i never would in a relationship with a person without these problems. right now i cant tell whether her life choices are due to an episode or not and its putting me in a state of limbo because she cheated on me and began a close and sexual relationship with one of her friends from work. she says, now, after she has been inolved with this guy (she only gets sexual with men as opposed to women when she is in an episode); she says that she is still in love with me. classic us. and of course i fall back into it.
i just would really appreciate advice on how to tell the differerence between the episode and reality. it seems like she is so sure of her actions even as she will periodically say shes confused. id really appreciate your help because i dont want to hang on if i should walk away. i do love her and by know have learned to work through the hurt that this disorder has brought into our relationship…thats why i was wondering if you could offer advice.
hi my name is alexis,
my girlfriend has bipolar and im not sure whether is lying and knows it when shes in a episode or really just confused, as she says she is. she has cheated on me, broken up with me more times than i can count and then professed love, become violent when she was drunk (shes also an alcoholic), and, of course, lied. ive cut her slack that i never would in a relationship with a person without these problems. right now i cant tell whether her life choices are due to an episode or not and its putting me in a state of limbo because she cheated on me and began a close and sexual relationship with one of her friends from work. she says, now, after she has been inolved with this guy (she only gets sexual with men as opposed to women when she is in an episode); she says that she is still in love with me. classic us. and of course i fall back into it.
i just would really appreciate advice on how to tell the differerence between the episode and reality. it seems like she is so sure of her actions even as she will periodically say shes confused. id really appreciate your help because i dont want to hang on if i should walk away. i do love her and by know have learned to work through the hurt that this disorder has brought into our relationship…thats why i was wondering if you could offer advice.
I am caring for my granddaughter who hasn’t been diagnosed with bipolar, but the things you describe sure fit. She is only is only eleven yrs old, but I’m really having a hard time with her. She was previously diagnosed with ADHD. But the doctor says the next three years are critical for her. They’re not sure which way she’ll go. That makes no sense to me. I don’t know what I’m suppose to do in the meantime, as she becomes more and more violet. I am not a young person at all, and she’s very hard to handle. She also gets things mixed up a lot, but I can’t get her teacher to understand that she doesn’t really mean to be that way. I worry that she’ll never be able to get along with anyone for very long, or that she’s gonna end up in big trouble.
My friend Dave,I truley love the help you offer I hsve been thur my brothers manic bipola,another brothers manic depprestion and one of my grandsons has bipola,drug and alconal addiction.we have to get him help soon.You do know a lot about because I’ve been there too.
Your Friend Carolyn
Thank you for your help
thanks for your comments david. It helps me to understand why i have behaved like this.
I actually agree with your e-mailers who feel you shouldn’t generalise so much about bipolar behaviour. I think you need to distinguish more carefully between bipolar 1 (which your mother obviously has) and the majority of us with the far milder bipolar 2. Also,some of us have what is called ‘insight’ into our condition which enables us to control our worst behaviours and some of us don’t. The latter are not ‘bad’!They do not realise they are lying.
Hi, David! The way you handled the negative reactions to your post on bipolar disorder and lying tells me that you indeed have extensive experience in relating with people who have bipolar disorder and with people who help those with bipolar disorder. Again, thanks for sharing your insights.
It’s true. During a bipolar episode, my husband can sttreeettccchhh the truth (AKA lie) whereas he never lies. Thankfully, after the episode subsides, he is able to reflect and apologize. It’s an ugly truth but very accurate. Thank you for posting the truth.
I found the session on lieing very helpful. I have two men in my life that tend to have very strange memories of the distant past and often times of yesterday. I can verify for them things that happened or were said and it only makes matters worse or I hear from them that I don’t really remember what I said in that mood. Its not that they are purposefully lieing, they have no control over the eppesode. I am glad to find that my life is not all that different. Some of us are very good people that are going crazy ourselves trying to handle a disorder that can be extremely hard to handle for an outsider. There are times that I do call them liars and then take it back, There are times that I know I will walk away from this mess because it is driving me nuts trying to cope with the eppesodes. And if I have a car crash and become too much to handle I fully expect to be in a home not a burden to my family. Please there is enough guilt out here in life already, do not guilt anyone that finds dealing with any disorder too much to handle. each of us does what we are capable of doing, many cannot handle coping with mental issues. They have a right o walk away if that is the only way to stay healthy themselves.
Mack, I am an openly Gay Man and I have yet to find any reference to Gay Bi-polar in any of these emails. I have found that many in the GLBT community play the queer card far too often. Is there any difference between a GLBT with Bipolar disorder and a Straight person with the same? I have spent years trying to get people to understnd that we are only different due to who we sleep with, but many GLBT people try hard to sound as though we are some special group that deals with everything in a special way. I myself pull my pants on one leg at a time as did both my straight mother and my straight father, and as does my straight daughter. Enough queer cards. Bipolar disorder is there for all of us.No difference in nationality, color, age, or even sexual preference.
Dave, thank you for your letters. I was diagnosed two years ago with bi-polar class 1 and have been getting treated ever since.I was lucky and rwealized I needed help. People need to undestand that there is no pure black and white reality. The truth is that what is real or percieved is still real. And that we need to seek to understand more if we wish to be understood. You have said many times that when in an episode that people say things they dont mean,or even rember, which i know to be true from my own experiance. We all lie whether we admit it or not some do it intentionaly, others do it not knowing the truth by being misinformed. So please understand and forgive those that lack understanding. Just rember tha whatever is real or percieved to be real is still real. WE all have misconceptions whether we are bi-polar or not, and all need to try harder to understand our loved ones, and those around us. Thank you for your time and efforts to spread this understanding. Pease forgive my spelling .
my daughter who is now 39 was finally diagnosed as bipolar just a few years ago. I have just written about our life together in a a book called Mary Quite Contrary. You will see that she only lied when she had stolen from me or something like that. What always confused me was that after an episode and I would try to discuss things that happened, she would say they did not happen. I truly think she believed that they did not happen. Even when she held a gun to my head, she said she did not do it. She thinks I am lying! Could this amnesia be a defense mechanism? Does she really not remember? Gayle
Betty I am Bi-polar, wasn’t diagnoised till I was 30yrs old, it
came out after drug use, that three overdoses, lots off different med’s, throw hell and back, lots of clinics, doctorsIn 1998, I met Dr. Kawela he helped
me, like a person, not retard, mentally ill, labeled you. (he’s wrote three books) I’m not secared
of him. TRUST
Not really a comment, but I DID want to share. Just found out (and both my PCP and shrink agreed) that I had turned toxic on Lithium. My PCP ordered some other tests to test my kidney function, and another Lithium level. I will start my new Rx. tomorrow, Trileptal, which (and, believe me, I ASKED!) is not supposed to have all the major side effects. Thanks for listening.
I have two grandchildren that have are bipolar and they will tell you what they think you want to hear. When I tell them that is not true they will say they are not lying. I think in their minds it is true to them.
Dear Dave,
I am about to start a big challenge: I have a friend I’ve been helping for several years (I was her legal guardian for a year). When I first met her I told her I would “adopt” her as my new sister (I have two from my parents already!)
By the way, Ruthy doesn’t ever “lie” but her memories are so distorted from the past mental illness and State Hospitals etc. that she believed that when her daughter was born, she actually had TWINS and her sister raised the other daughter in Ohio. When she’d send her sweet daughter to Ohio to visit, her sister would send back the other EVIL daughter! Maybe that’s how she could justify her daughter’s neglect and abuse.
She had been so neglected and abused…everyone referred to her as the “bag lady” because she would just roam the streets clutching a bag. You know what she cherished enough to protect and keep with her? Photos of her children and her parents and her brothers and sister! Her daughter was supposed to be caring for her but put her in one institution after another because she didn’t know how to deal with her.
My friend, Ruthy, would carry her pictures and walk outside in the San Antonio summer heat because her daughter would not give her a key to her own little house, and old bums and teenagers and whoever would come and go whether she was home or not! Talk about INSECURITY!
I had to get legal rights to take things into my control. I have Bipolar I and Ruthy has fast-cycling Bipolar II. She was manic a lot of the time and would talk really fast and go off on a tangent where people would just dismiss her as being “crazy” because they didn’t want to listen. Even her own relatives.
She was living in horrible condtions, only the clothes she wore and nothing to change into so she could wash them. She would get into the shower with her clothes on and wash herself AND her only clothes, not knowing who might come in.
First thing, I got her to a good psychiatrist who adjusted her medication according to my report of her symptoms and she improved.
Then I made her feel SAFE new locks on the doors, deadbolts, we locked up the windows, and she wears the keys on a pretty chain around her neck and I have a spare set.
I monitored her for quite a while to make sure she was remembering to take her meds on time. I bought her an alarm watch to remind her. I spent all my free time with her.
I took her shopping so she could buy clothes and shoes (her feet were cut and bleeding because of all the walking and holes in her shoes).
I took her to get a haircut and have her hair dyed back to blonde. Although Ruthy had an income from SSI, her daughter would not take her to get shoes or clothes or a haircut. Ruthy’s hair was knotted and snarled down to her waist and gray.
I bought her some jewelry..at first she “Lost” it, but eventually became responsible and remembered to put it in the jewelry box when she took it off. She loves the opals, both our birthstones. And we both like to wear silver bracelets, crystals, gemstone rings.
Together, we bought second-hand furniture from GoodWill or Second Home. I hired a carpenter I knew to make her stairs safer, and cover her filthy old walls with panelling and paper and paint. The floors had to be replaced. We bought carpeting and linoleum.
She used to be afraid to go in a car because half the time her daughter would drop her off somewhere she didn’t need to go to and be locked up for a few weeks and then released with instructions to followup with a psychiatrist. Her daughter never did. Ruthy hadn’t seen the same doctor twice in a 4-year period!
But she loved the slow and careful way I’d drive, and I’d let her be my “co-pilot”. If there was something she wanted to stop and look at, we would. We’d go to parks and playgrounds and Dollar Stores and Thrift stores and go out for fast food, which was her favorite treat.
I always made sure she had her bathing supplies, which she hadn’t had before. Ever try to clean your house, wash your dishes and take a shower and wash a huge mop of hair all with a bottle of cheap dish-washing liquid????
We got a radio and kept it on all the time so she would remember her favorite old country songs, and hear the banter of the DJ’s and the commercials.
She had a television, but always let the TV guide channel scroll so she could watch the date and weather. She was afraid to change to another channel because she had so many reminders that would give her panic attacks. We found the Disney Channel and bought some comedy movies and a VCR.
I helped her to gain confidence, self-reliance, and focus: We’d sit and play cards or Scrabble for hours, which helped her to concentrate on one thing at a time. I’d ask her to do one chore while I did another.
We got her a puppy and worked together on house-training and teaching it to be gentle.
And then we went to court while she was in remission and on good meds daily so she could be “released” from Protective Services and not need a Guardian.
She is now well enough to take care of herself. I do talk to her on the phone a couple of times a day, and she’ll ask my advice on medical questions. You see, it turns out my REWARD for good Christian service was that her little BROTHER loves me and I’ve been spending spring, summer and fall with him in Long Island.
The challenge is this: Ruthy needs major back surgery for ruptured discs and then a hip-replacement surgery. Of course she expects me to be her 24-hour nurse and home-aide. I know I can do that for her, even if the recovery takes a year. I’m sure I’ll get some time off to go 5 blocks away to visit my OWN home, my son and daughter-in-law, cat and dog.
The hard part is that I won’t be able to see her brother for the interim and I hate to be separated from him. Also, I need back and neck surgery myself…do I wait until next year to have “MY” work done? Neither her Medicaid nor my Medicare will allow anyone to help for “custodial” care. They’ll only send someone if you need actual Nursing care.
Maybe some of my comments will help someone else out there…or maybe you can suggest a Social Service of some kind or something so we can BE WELL together!
Thanks for listening.
Dave,i have read what people have wrote about the lieing I have Bp and i agree with you.I also go to groups and they have taught me a couple things that might help YOU out “take what you need and leave the rest”and “what you need the others might not need”what you are writing really helps me and what i do not need i pass on.Thank you Melissa
Hi, My Husband was recently diagnosed as being bp. I understand exactly what David means when he say that bp people lie, I didnt understand for a few years what was wrong with my husband, he did lie, maybe not intentionally but just the same. He would get something in his head during an episode, and say horrible things to me and to our friends, but I realixed that he really believed it at the time he was saying it. Its because he was having so many thoughts in his head and did’nt really know what was real or what was conjured up in his own mind, I mean he really 100 percent would believe what he was saying, and I knew 100 percent that it was not true, it was just his distorted perception of what he saw or heard and his distorted interpretation of the information. Finally my husband went to the doctor and is now taking medication most of the time and doing much better, by the way, during those times when he was ‘lieing’, he has a very vague recollection of that or no memeory of it at all. thanks
My partner previously was always lying before he met me and his motto is you can’t bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. However this has now virtually stopped and there are very fewer episodes. THey only lies I deal with are related to alcohol. He tries making promises he can’t keep or cannot be trusted to leave my only occasional drink that I would like. Now I am ordered to never trust him. I am left with no choice but to not buy any or buy an extremely smaller bottle as i could never drink a whole bottle in one go. I get receipts as proof on any money spent to show his loyalty when I need shopping done as I am extremely busy at University. I couldn’t do that before. However despite this I allow limited money in the bank NO credit cards in order to prevent financial crisis. He is so proud of himself and he certainly is getting better. BUt I do know is only a matter of time before the world crashes normally Christmas. But we’ll see.
Dave
Only just got round to reading the emails re. lying & bipolar disorder. I think the reason a lot of readers go into uproar when they read stuff like that & accuse you of saying things which you’re actually not is because they forget that every case of bipolar disorder is individual to that person. I myself have had BP for 7 years but only diagnosed this past year and only figured it out through what you have ‘taught’ me! My advice to people to avoid big confrontations about what others say?- Eat the chicken, spit out the bones!
Hi Dave,
I have just recently found your website on Bipolar Disorder and would like to ask the following question about lying: when people with Bipolar Disorder lie or have a distorted view of reality during an episode, do they realise that they have done this after the episode is over?
David,
It’s true that we are very manipulative, but @ the time that’s not usually how we perceive it.
I just found your site and am very excited. I’m bipolar 1, fast cycle,
onset @ 18 in college, diagnosed @ 39 by Dr. Alice Kitchen while running housekeeping @ St. Louis State Mental Hospital. My significant other @ the time was the MSW who designed & ran their brain damage unit. When it was time to break up because I was too crazy, I wouldn’t. Luckily by that time my partner knew exactly what was going on & ask Dr. Alice to take the time to help me. I’d been trying to find out what was wrong with me since college.
After I was diagnosed my mom told me our family Dr. had told her years before that my Dad was, but Dad wouldn’t believe it or get treatment & that her mother was too,but never diagnosed. My aunt was diagnosed in her late 50’s. Dad’s mom might have been – she committed suicide when he was 12 & his dad was a child molester, his own & anybody else’s he could get his hands on. All I could think was it was too bad no one ever told me.
I’m on disability for degenerative back disease since 1994 so the only insurance I have is medicare. My mom was paying for Seroquel for me the last 3 years, but my little sister stopped that in July. When the donut hit me I had to go back to generic valproic acid and it just really doesn’t do it. I started out on prosac and lithium.
After a couple years I got lithium poisoning & had to quit taking it. Nothing worked as good until Seroquel, but I can’t afford $500 a month on Soc.Sec. disability & I don’t seem to qualify for any help. I make too much on disabil-
ity! Yeah, right.
We live inside Shawnee National Forest in southernmost IL and the region is so poor that I’m lucky to have a psychiatrist for a med visit of 15 min. every 3 mos.& after being here for 5 years I finally have a real therapist and was just starting to make some progress when I had to change my medication.
I’ve looked into everything I can think of. The company won’t help because I have purchased Medicare
Rx supplemental coverage. That costs $37 a month each month, but it only covers the first few months of the year & then I fall into the donut. Any suggestions?
My current partner of 20 years has never seen me not on medication.
Without it I am violent & abusive.
With it I’m just very irritable & strange. Seroquel was the only thing that worked as well as the lithium. I’m afraid I’ll quit taking my medication, but it’s been 20 yrs. & I know I can’t do that.
Forget that. What I wanted to say is thank you. My partner loves me but doesn’t always understand, of course. I’m hoping I can get her to read this web site & have some type of support group available.
BP has nothing to do with being gay – just human. I’ve known I was gay since I was 3 or 4. The only thing BP might have affected was my attitude. You all know none of us can stand something not being fair without getting all up in arms.
Don’t be so sensitive about criticism. Consider the source. You know how we can be!again, thank you & God bless!! Now I have to go explore this web site.