Letter From Bipolar Manic Supporter

Hi,

How’s it going today?

What’s going on? Hope you are doing well. I have a ton of things I have to do today so I have to get going.

Oh, someone asked me about the new position I am going to be hiring for. I will post it in a few weeks.

Oh, someone asked about when I will be coming out with the information on disability and bipolar disorder. Probably not until February 2008.

Okay, so I got this email that I wanted to share with you:

“Dave, I’ve been getting your emails for a while now, and I usually like them, but lately I just don’t think they apply to my situation. My wife has just gone crazy. I thought she was taking her medication, but maybe she wasn’t. She maxed out our credit cards, cleaned out our checking account, and remortgaged the house without me even knowing about it. I don’t know what to do. But I don’t even think that’s the worst of it. Dave, we’ve been married for 30 years, we’ve raised 3 children, and I thought we had a good life. I have never, not once, cheated on her. And I know she hasn’t cheated on me before. But now I know she has. It would be too embarrassing to tell you how I know, but believe me, I know. Now what do I do? Is this the last straw? Should I divorce her? I don’t think I could ever forgive her. This is what a manic episode can do to a marriage. Why don’t you ever talk about that?”

—————————————————————–

Well, first of all, I’m not a lawyer, marriage counselor, or any other kind of professional, so I can’t give any kind of advice like that.

But I can tell you that this isn’t the first email I’ve gotten like this.

So let me point out a few things.

There was a key phrase that just stood out like a neon sign to me at the beginning of this man’s email:

“I thought she was taking her medication, but maybe she wasn’t.”

When someone with bipolar disorder goes off their medication, they may not go into an episode right away, but it is pretty much inevitable that they will eventually go into one.

This is evident by the rest of what this man said in his email.

In my courses/systems, I discuss the signs/symptoms of bipolar episodes:

SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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http://www.bipolarparenting.com

HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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http://www.survivebipolar.net
The signs/symptoms of a bipolar manic episode are evident from this man’s email, as he describes his wife’s behavior.

One of the main symptoms of a manic episode is excessive spending.

He says, “She maxed out our credit cards, cleaned out our checking account, and remortgage the house without me even knowing about it.”

When someone with bipolar disorder is not on their medication, they are not stable.

Someone who is normally very responsible with money, could very well show this type of behavior.

Another sign/symptom of a bipolar manic episode is impulsivity.

This can be manifested in bad choices, poor decision making, and risk-taking behavior.

Examples of this include:

· Gambling
· Driving recklessly
· Substance abuse
· Sexual promiscuity

Unfortunately, there may be consequences to these bad choices, poor decisions, and risk-taking behaviors, even though many times, the person may not even remember what happened during the episode.

For example, someone in a manic episode may get drunk, drive recklessly, and end up getting arrested for a DUI… yet later on, have no idea how they got there or what they did.

There have been several cases of women with
bipolar disorder who have been model wives while on their medication but when they’ve gone off their medication, have shown sexual risk-taking behavior such as having affairs with strange men – yet afterward have had no recollection of doing anything wrong.

In these cases, the only evidence of the affair has been a sexually transmitted disease that they’ve passed on to their husband.

(I’m not showing prejudice here — the same thing has also been true of men.) As I said in the beginning of this post, I’m not a doctor, marriage counselor, or other professional,  so I can’t give this man any advice like he’s asking for. I can’t tell him whether to get a divorce or not.

What I can say is that this woman shows all the earmarks of being in a bipolar manic episode which will NOT go away on its own.

She needs help.

If this is a case of her going off her medication, then she needs to go back on it right away (under a doctor’s care).

The issues brought up by this email are some of the issues that supporters and their loved ones face after a bipolar episode.

Counseling (individual and group), family therapy, marriage counseling, support groups, and individual and /or couples therapy are some ways that people have tried to help deal with the consequences of a bipolar  episode.

In the end, it boils down to communication between the supporter and their loved one and how they decide to handle the behavior and its consequences.

Whatever you do, however, the most important thing is that your loved one’s bipolar disorder MUST be managed;
which means that their medication must first be brought under control.

They must stick to their treatment plan for any long-term stability and decrease of episodes.

FIND OUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT ME
Visit: http://www.bipolarcentral.com/testimonials

David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.

  1. I totally empathize with this man my husband who is also bipolar would do things that I could never understand where they were coming from he came home from work one day told me i was spending all his money(he was the spender) wanted our sons college money we had saved out for him…went to the bank and had his paychecks direct deposited into his own account where i could not get to any money….i was not working and he went out of town so if the kids needed something forget it. i saw it as another game for power..when accused of having affairs he denied it saying accuse me i will ….we werent even divorced and he moved to where his new woman lived when i said did she know you were married he replied we didnt hold hands in public but they did attend church together…the rational thinking just wasnt there. which was difficult while raising children who were also very confused and after a while you begin wondering if it is you…now after being divorced he blames me for almost ruining him i was good to him and put up with his episodes of violence for 25 years i didnt ever leave him alone with our children and tried to discourage them from traveling with him for the week i never knew what he was going to do or what he was really capable of. he would take light bulbs out of the lamps and leave us in the dark…turn down the heat then threaten that i better not turn it up he put a dot on the thermostat.during the time we lived together after he was served the papers i was very afraid my daughter would sleep in my room and i would put a table in front of the door i went to bed with the key fob so i could get the police immediately if needed. what is more scarey to me is they dont remember it ?! i went thru hell as did the kids and he floats thru thinking it was me he never did a thing..not fair medical condition i realize but we are the walking wounded and he goes on happily ever after….starts a new life while we are left with pieces of our memories missing because of post traumatic stress , the anxiety attacks, relationship issues difficult to trust again after that…..i feel bad for him but i am sooooo relieved that he is no longer a part of our lives bringing us the deep pain that i didnt know anyone would or could cause others…..sad and unfortunate he thinks he is happy he lost his kids a good marriage and me never wanted to go for help, skipped his medications it was me i drove him to it.life is much easier now i feel badly for the new woman who now put up with him because a lot of his problem was being very spoiled……he would have had episode every day l0 times a day there was more to it but i dont have to deal with it our lives are so much more peaceful no worries about what he’s going to come up with next…he didnt come up with a change for dinner plans he made big demands and followed thru with them. he like d the power he got from it and control that no one person should possess over a household of people.

  2. Hi Dave.

    Read your email and I really feel for that mans situation.

    How could the bipolar person deceptively refinance/remortgage the house without him knowing?

    How could she max out all the cards without him knowing?

    How could she do these things while being bipolar?

    To be deceptive like that, I just can’t see it being a bipolar trait. Okay, the behavior of excessive spending is one thing, but to chalk it all up to being bipolar? I don’t think so.

    While this man doesn’t deserve any of this, he should know what bipolars are known to do and protect himself and safeguard his/their life/lives – at onset of knowing her diagnosis. If he did that at the start, he may not be where he is now. I’m not saying any of this is his fault, but am saying he may have turned a blind eye or not kept his eye closely enough to their finances. She should not have had any credit cards in his name or as a joint or cosigner. She should not have a credit card with more then a credit limit they could afford.

    He may very well need to divorce her to protect what is left of his finances. He needs lots of support. That or risk being homeless because she’s taken it all.

    If she’s in episode and not on meds, well, I don’t know what to say to that except to protect what’s left and get her treatment. If she commits fraud, have authorities take her to be admitted for a psych. consult. Hard to do, but what choice is he left with. Cold, hard decisions need to be made.

    He should get a copy of his/their credit report and see what accounts she may have opened without his knowing about it.

    If you lie about little things, you can lie about bigger things. I’m sure this is far reaching beyond anything he has thought of yet.

    I’m very sorry for his situation. He needs help on many levels. I hope he finds that help. I hope she re-initiates medications. I hope she goes inpatient to get stable.

    This is a horror story.

  3. I can understand this persons feelings! No one can understand how I could take my husband back after all the misery. It is difficult to understand, but for the first time in our marriage-36 years-I took a stand. He would go to a neurologist, psychatrist, and therapist. He would follow what they said and would not object to treatment for the remainder of our lives together. I can not control him but I can control what my life is about. I do help him and encourage but he now has support from the Dr.s and he likes and respects them. He, also , feels so MUCH better than he did that it makes all the difference in his life.
    In response to the letter from the supporter of a bp-my husband financially and emotionally supported a young woman and her family. He became VERY involved with her and was ready to leave me. He was in a very MANIC state. He spent MUCH money on her-furniture, clothes, toys! He is paying all this back and I do without many thing I feel I need.I took, during that time, so much verbal abuse and REALLY during all our life together. It took years to finally realize what the problem was. He would NEVER go to a psychatrist. When he came off the mania and begged my forgiveness, I stood firm for the first time and had limits and boundaries. Life is much better but we still have the pain of what was done and the damage of financially and emotionally trying to pick up the pieces. If you can move forward and let your loved one know that you will only stay with them if they follow the rules and boundaries set. By the way, get a therapist for yourself. Take care of you and know you are so STRONG and a wonderful person. I don’t know you-but I will keep you in my thoughts.

  4. Gosh! My story exactly except it is my husband. The worst episode in a very long time. It began June 20th (“It was okay to drink, you know it is my birthday!”) Unfortunately my son and I had just left to visit family in Chicago and my husband took advantage of the fact that I was no where around to “CONTROL” things. Our money, what little we had, is all but gone, down to selling our riding lawn mower so he could have more money to drink and gamble, eat out, etc… Oh, and take Taxis to the bar since he did not have the car, nor is he allowed to drink. Then, off to Hawaii to “get better.” That consisted of even more alcohol and that familiar roller coaster ride” I want to come home, I do not want to come home… Then a suicide attempt that landed him in ICU for three days on a ventilator. I have know idea how he survived. Then a stay in “Safe Haven” a housing facility for people suffering from mental illness. Basically a homeless shelter. Prior to this I had continued to wire him money for what I thought were things he needed but was actually for more liqour. He had been diagnosed with Binge Alcoholism which is really hard for him to understand because if he doesnt drink everyday then how can he be an alcoholic? I began refusing to send him ANY money and even denied him a plane ticket home (the hardest thing I had ever done) but knew that he could get home if he truly wanted to. He gets disability so he had the option. It took 3 months and he has been in the mental hospital for 13 days now. ECT treatments, meds, and hopefully therapy,which he has never agreed to until now, may make a difference but with this disease you just never know. He always took his medications but when he drank he became a totally different person that was not only terrifying but at the same time pitiful. I dont know where this will all go but I have basically decided this is the very last time that I will go through this if things do not change. It’s been 13 years of marriage, 6 since his diagnosis. I have been through a lot. His family does not have anything to do with him and we really have no support system. He is not thrilled with going to therapy or support groups, thinking it will take all of his time… He has nothing else to do! He does not work and you would think that hitting bottom would do it but I just dont know!

  5. I feel sorry for the husband,i too when i was off the medication was very reckless and on spending spree,usually i only controlled the finances,i fell in love with a younger man tried to force him into a relation ship he didnt want and spent on him a few thousands,i also went to a driving class almost would havw killed a boy of 5,later had a affair with a guy,now after three years i am stable going for work leading a saner life,i have also learnt to forgive myself for my mistakes,my hubby is having becoz of my kid,i am also regular with my medicines

  6. My husband has not taken his med’s in 5 years, he has these episodes all the time, before I knew what they were as I had no idea he was bipolar until I made him leave the house because I just could not take it anymore. I found his medication, that he had not taken in 5 years (before we met). I know he needs help right away, and I am afraid for him and others around him. I have not spoken to him in almost 3 weeks, he will not take my calls, nor come around. He is not employed so I have no idea how he may be getting by. Very concerned and worried, and now checking into some legal things that I can do to get him picked up and taken into a hospital.

  7. Dear David, I don’t know what to say about the mans situation with regard his wife. But do know from my own experience that as a very loyal housewife it would kill me if my hsband left me because i did something stupid when in full blown mania.

    I couldnt believe that when i was in a high a while back that i would even look at another man and just see sex as sex coz i always believed it to e something very special. I ended up in hospital at the time efore i did anything stupid. the man in question was old enough to me dad and not even good looking.

    I’m scared at the moment coz i dont know if i’m going back up even typing this this i’m making mistakes and trying to fix them.
    One minute i am losing the head the next im singing. i cant go into hospital coz then my husband cant work coz of five kidz. my outer family stick their head in the sand and dont want to know if things arent rite.

    I think i suffer from hypomania but dont even know if i was full lown i was up for a few months first time second time doctorss only let me go for two weeks. the only meds i m on is st johns wort and have been taken the for two weeks today and for the last 10 days have been feeling great. According to sites it takes up to six weeks for them to kick in but 2 weeks before you notice anything.

    God bless amanda

  8. I m bipolor and have never spent money on one of my episodes but have done lots of other things I feel bad for him and her to I hope they can work this out

  9. Dave,
    I am glad to see this email topic come out,Its been 5 years since my husband went Manic and left again for the 6th time in 10 year period I was faced to sale my house or allow it to go into forcloser at the time.We also have 2 beautiful girls and they were effected badly to by his bipolor behavior.
    I could not get him to stay with a plan that helped him, he would do great for a while and we would do the counselling, medication, and regular sleep and and just when things would be nice calm and stable BAMB!!!!!!something would happen at work or he would look for a reason to get mad at me then the, self medicate on pot and other drugs would start, the not sleeping and being gone for a few days and not know where he was at,I felt that I was probably being cheated on but could not prove it at the time,untill the last time he went manic, I got a phone call and I went there and he was at a party with another woman…
    To me that was it ,I had tried hard to help him to stay stable and to be a good supporter for him but this time I could not take the emotional draining, life sucking things that he did to me and our girls..
    I put the house up for sale, Sold it before they did foreclose on it and Me and the girls got our own place where there were peace, grace, no arguing,no being destrubed at all hours at night, and no wondering where he is for days on end..
    The girls were 7 and 9 at the time of the fileing of divorce and I knew I had to build a stable life for them ,they deserve both parents stable but if one won’t then I had to do it and I did it for the sake of the 3 of our sanity.
    He continued to self destruction untill Sept. of last year 2007 he had a very bad motorcycle wreck that almost killed him,when I got the call about him It scared me so bad but yet I was not surprised,it took him 3 months to recover from the wreck he had broke arm, leg and other things but I helped him and cared for him through that and said ALOT OF PRAYERS I was so proud of him I saw him want to get better not want to fight and be a kinder ,better Dad than I seen in years but after he cheated and left me our girls out to sink or swim while he was manic and living a life that seem so pleaseing to him,I forgave him but I couldn’t forget and I never wantd to put my girls or myself in that again…
    He has recovered from the wreck,he is on his own,he is stable for now,he won’t take mecation or see a doctor but he smoke pot daily, and he doesn’t seem so wild and out of control but again,I have nothing but love to offer him,no more money,no more fighting him, no more living together,
    This may sound like a cold heartless letter to alot of you but until you see a house hold of 4 being sucked dry of life because 1 is seriously sick and won’t get help you have no idea what its like.
    Now me and the 2 girls can live as normal as life as we can and still love him but not the diease and have peace.
    I don’t know if he would ever be willing to stick to a plan that would help him stay clean of drugs and alcohol and to live a life where he sticks with one woman or becomes a man of his word but I invested 13 years of my life trying very hard to get him to want to get help and to get better..
    Sorry Dave if this sounds like I am rambling on and on but being married to a bipolar person who is in denial is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and your emails and prgrams have helped me understand alt of things that confused me in the pass,thank you Dave for all you do.

  10. Yes, you are one hundred per cent right! I have gone thru just what the man is going thru with his wife and I know what I am talking about. The unltimate decesions on what to do are up to each and every individual and noone can tell you what to do. You need to consider everything and each situation is different but the reasons, causes, and effects and the outcome from the bipolar are all the same. It is prevention that is the answer but whether or not you can emotionally and physically handle helping your peerson with bipolar is up to you and professional help. You are not in it alone and dont have to be but you do have to make the decesions yourself. Base those decesions on the facts and not just on emotions. I had to do this and to face my future I had to make some harsh decesions and base them on the overall picture and available help. I just needed to get past the emotional part to look at the whole picture. But I also have found out that there was way more help out there than what I had known at the time, it would have influenced nothing but knowing i missed it did not help me. I found out after my problem was more or less solved that I also have bipolar disorder. So how is that for a surprise But please everyone, listen to this email and really your decesion is are you in for the duration and are you watching the medication taking. It is the most important part in my own opinion. Dont blame the person for having the bipolar disorder, know it is there and the answer is the medicatiion.

  11. Dave, to me, this is so typical of those who go off their medication. There should’ve been someone-other than the woman herself-to assist in the taking of her meds, as often, it gets forgotten in the day to day living,… and if there is something extra that intrudes into the normality of that day, Well, look out. Medication is often the last thing they want, there is still a stigma attached to this, whether anyone wants to admit it or not…
    As you said, though, not doing the family counseling and such, it’s truly difficult to know what triggered this …. I feel for the man in this situation but, knowing his wife’s bipolar condition, he perhaps could’ve saved himself and his wife this episode… AS I said, HE knew of her condition and should have made certain provisions to insure she did take her medication when it was time…. Double check the amount of pills in the bottle, be there when she takes the meds, in other words, make all efforts to be sure the medication is taken, so that such scenarios do not repeat themselves.
    I take my medication in a ritual way, acknowledging that if I do not, surely, at some time, the episodes will raise their ugy heads again, and may be worse than before. AND as a back up plan, the pills are counted by my ‘other’, this makes sure the pills are taken and no episodes will rear their ugly heads! Thanks for all of the infomation you have given, it is greatly appreciated by this soul here.
    Now, go and do your ‘stuff’, as I will do likewise!
    Have a Blessed day,
    Alice
    Regards,
    Alice

  12. Hi David,
    There are still issues with the spirituality website to get the special. It says it doesn’t exist when I click on it.
    Thank you.

  13. Hi David,
    I guess it is easy to hurt the closest to us. Just in the last two years I lost my job, refinanced my house till I lost that, 40,000. deep in credit card debt, hit my son over the head with a fring pan- lost my son, my grandson, and my daughter in law. Most of this because I lost my health insurance. All this stuff I lost there is one thing I just gained a big fat point on my drivers licence. It is easy to stop taking the medicine when you feel better, or side effect, or no more insurance. Once I am there I am bound to ruin my life over and over. Everyone I know allready knows I am a train wreck- I do not think I shock anyone anymore.
    Thanks David,
    Karen

  14. To The Man with the Bipolar Wife: LOVE is a strange and wonderful thing – she’s strange, and you’re wonderful! You said you knew she had bipolar when you married her, so in a sense, you HAD to become an enabler when she went off her meds (if that is what happened). Sometimes, as in my case, you can still take your meds and go into a full-blown manic episode.

    Being a spend-thrift and acting impulsively, especially sex with strangers, are all symptoms of the disorder. Credit cards should NOT be given to ANYONE with bipolar (although I have spent down to ONE credit card from 9), unless you’re willing to watch EVERY purchase. Same goes with a personal checking account. When I’m hypomanic, “plastic” is my best friend; I don’t shop for ME, so much, as when I see something someone ELSE would like, I buy that. It just “goes with the territory!”

    “Cheating” is another thing altogether. Sex with strangers is usually brought out by looking for thrills, a “change” from the routine, or just reaching out for the adrenaline of flirting and completing the sexual act. Remember how you felt when you first fell in love with your wife? THAT’S what she probably was looking for – it had NOTHING to do with you.

    I KNOW it’s easy to say “forgive and forget;” it may be easy to “forgive,” but “forgetting” being cheated on may not happen. It is always the “gorilla in the middle of the room.” Since you’ve been married for such a long time – and I still hear “love” in your questions – couples therapy, combined with new meds from a psychiatrist – may help your marriage keep from being irrevocably broken. Like someone said – set limits and boundaries if you take her back. You KNOW how to do this.

    It is NOT easy living with a person with bipolar when they do not comply with a treatment plan, but it CAN be done, once they do. Hold out HOPE; I’m sure she’s embarrassed by what she did, and is sorry for causing you such pain. I would hold off on divorce to see if your wife can become stable with the treatment plan.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you – Our Lord said “faith can move mountains,” and I believe that.

    BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.

  15. As Suzanne says, it’s possible to trip out in mania or depression in spite of the meds – it’s called a “break through” (for obvious reasons.) I had one about a year ago – worst hypomania I’ve had thus far. If I have any more like that one I’ll lose my driving license!

  16. Dear dave…i feel for anyone who is recovering from an episode of bipolar be it a high or low . i recently suffered an episode, brought on by the stess of unexpected humidity, and my biggest dread a letter informing me of a purely routine procedure/day surgery colonoscopy,which due to medication allergies, i suffer through every 4 years due to cancer in family background. whilst my episode was brief and my support good, i am still left with the numb feeling after. (i have also had ten years councelling. i learnt a lot about myself.)now looking back to when i first had an episode at 18 and myself a nurse to who i am now, i can honestly say managing bipolar is possible.,but certainly the treatment today is vastly improved..i believe in never giving up, slowly recovering and then regaining confidence,then back to a routine.. Christine

  17. In my experience, it is impossible to find a medical provider or psychotherapist who is able to prescribe effective medication or provide therapy (in combination) to treat the bipolar survivor. The majority of psychiatrists are simply incompetent. Most of the mental health field is ‘just in it for the money.’ The ‘professionals’ don’t return calls on a timely basis, nor do they communicate with one another on behalf of their client. Patients are pushed through in 15 minute sessions. There is a lack of concern, care and understanding.

    If a patient is a little more difficult or requires more time and energy to treat, the psychiatrist is able to decline taking on the person as their patient. They just want the easy, quick cases.

    The patient is suffering from lack of quality care. There is not enough funds to provide care to those who are of low income or indigent. Until 2010, Insurance Companies can impose limits on the number of outpatient mental health benefits. The entire mental health system is in critical condition.

    I have heard stories on this blog of people very satisfied that they are doing well because they have great support systems, wonderful psychologists/therapists, and outstanding doctors. To those of you — hold tightly on to these ‘professionals’ because they are becoming fewer and harder to find.

    I have been through years of frustration. I have not been able to find an outpatient psychiatrist who has prescribed the right ‘cocktail’ of medications. I have had doctors ‘fire themselves’ or refuse to treat me because they don’t know how. I have tried most of the medications and have told that I am treatment resistant. My out-patient mental health benefits through my insurance company ran out in June 2008. I currently go to a community mental health facility with a psychiatrist who has refused to prescribe to me.

    There is so much blame placed on those with mental illnesses. If a survivor has an ‘episode,’ it must be his/her fault because he/she must not taken their medication. But, a lot of us take the medication as it is prescribed, see our therapists and psychiatrists and try to take care of ourselves, the best we know how. There is no cure to mental illness. There is no fail-safe medication as of today. My psychologist told me to wait until 2009, when I again will have 20 outpatient insurance visits/year. He said not to ask for a different psychiatrist at the current mental health facility. Since I do not have mental health insurance and am unemployed, I am treated ‘differently’ than those with insurance. I have to pay $400 month for COBRA health insurance, which does NOT include mental health for this year.

    So, the next time your loved one goes on a spending spree, cheats on you, or whatever he/she may do during an episode; make sure that he/she is getting the right treatment in the first place. The fault/blame is not always with the survivor.

  18. how can you tell a person who is bipolar? From a person who has never been diagnoised with bipolar and they live a free sprit life style, spend money unwise, live reckless,fight and argue alot with friends and family,
    run from one relationship to another,always high on drugs or alcohol,untill they crash or get put in jail…..what if that just a choice they make to live there life that way…Is it bipolar or an excuse to just blame it on a mental illness? this is the hard part if they don’t want help and don’t see the problem living this way….It seems they are alot of people who are very unstable,and chose to live this way.

  19. My wife had a similar manic episode, but in this case it was triggered when she had to STOP taking her medication (Venlafaxine) suddenly. Our GP told her to do this after she came out in a blue rash and sweats. While she was being treated (or ‘helped’) as an in-patient in a local mental health hospital unit, she was taken advantage of – sexually assaulted and seduced – by a male nurse, who was trying to brainwash her, with the purpose of trying to gain access to our money. She went completely batty, telling everyone she was love with him, that she was going to divorce me etc etc. At the time she was very impulsive and easily influenced, simply because of the bipolar episode. So we can’t always blame the person, when it is their vulnerability and impulsiveness, and sometimes a sudden cessation of medication which caused the problem.

    I had to act fast – as a precaution while she was well, my wife had signed what we call ‘enduring power of attorney’ to me, her husband here in the UK – which I enacted to prevent any further damage to our marriage and finances. After 3 years of going through hell, she has finally recovered and is now stable on the medication she always took (Chlorpromazine) before some stupid psychiatrist changed her meds and put her on the Venlafaxine in the first place.

    Does anyone else agree with me that Venlafaxine is a very dangerous medication to be on – or to come off ? In her case it caused the impulsive behaviour, made her feel suicidal and go batty – but this did not happen until she stopped taking it.

    Thank God, our marriage and relationship are returning to ‘normal’, whatever that may be. I hated the prospect of ‘walking on eggshells’ for the rest of my life…

    Happy to share my experience with anyone else who has faced a similar crisis, but am not sure whether I can provide any better guidance than our friend Dave…

    I’m Bob at email: emmerson.hill@ntlworld.com

  20. My first reaction is that you two should communicate. Do not play the blame game. Obviously you have gone through a lot together. Maybe you have not cheated on her but perhaps there are other things that she wishes you would do, are have done….anyway, it would be a good idea to get back on the medications and if you think about it, 30 years is a long time bipolar or not. Maybe she just wanted more passion or unpredictability or control in her life. Maybe she felt managed by others and by having to deal with all that is involved with the bilpolar condition..the meds, the doctors, you the loving husband, everybody checking in on her wondering if she was behaving the way she was supposed to be. What if she is just an incredibly passionate person and since being on the meds and being married for 30 years all that is gone. ask her. maybe i’m completely off base. maybe there is something to it. often couples that do not deal with bipolar find themselves having affairs after the kids leave because their spouse stops looking or telling them how desireable they are or spontaneously says hey baby lets take off on the back of my motorcycle for a few, you’re looking pretty hot ….that could make someone feel like they lost a few years without taking any drugs! Maybe she wants to be a romance novelist or a painter? start a new career? what can you two do together? obviously all the other support groups will help as will the meds, but i have a hunch that 30 years together and feeling trapped and managed and NOT having an outlet for passion which quite often is one thing those who have bipolar exhibit may be the issue. See if things change if she has an outlet for her passion other than a new man! Or, you could be her new man!

  21. My husband is comming off a manic episode and suffering outside in the world alone. I had to have him evicticeted from our home after a big fight that went really bad after he had quit his job took all our money and signed a deal on a restaurant all with out telling me a thing. He begs me everyday to let him back in and though I love him with all my heart I just cant open that door. He states I was the one who wrecked our marriage. And sometimes I do believe that I did when I had him forbidden to come into my home with our girls. He plays with my mind everyday, one day he loves me the next he hates me. He has wronged everyone in our lives including his own family. I feel that I am the only one that can save him and the only person in his life. I hate feeling like this and yet I am so scared to let him back in. He has had 3 manic episodes in 2 1/2 years and was diagonised twice. He says he was misdiagonised. It just sucks and I feel so helpless and lost.
    Tammy

  22. To the man who emailed Dave about his wife.
    I don’t have the answers you’re looking for but if you want to find them then ask yourself how much you love your wife? She will always be bipolar but it can be controlled to as extent if you’re careful and get on a system.
    As a supporter you need to watch your wife and make sure she is taking her meds. You need to talk to her and the two of you need to get involved in a treatment plan together.
    As you know bipolar disorder makes a person do things they normally would not do. But if you take the proper precautions at the first sign of an episode I believe your marriage can work. But how much do you love your wife? It takes two to maintain this illness. She needs you to encourage her. I believe between the two of you, you can win

  23. Dave; this is exactly everything my husband has done, over the years, not me! I think I have DID, because of the dope he slipped me. I have went 7-years without medication, no attacks and normal functioning, until my husband starts acting up. Could the wrong one have been diagnosed and I’m the victim? Nothing you have on Bi-Polar sounds like anything I have ever done, but it describes my husband to the letter! He was discharged from the Air Force with mental illness; they said, Scitzophrenia but? He has had me arrested on false charges, several times and tried to do so, again, last week!

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