Bipolar Supporter? Realize This Difficult Thing

Hi,

Hope you’re doing good today.

If you’re a bipolar supporter, I have some good news and some bad news (don’t you hate when people do that?).

The good news is that your loved one can get better.

The bad news is that the bipolar disorder they have, works to try to prevent you from helping them get better.

Take a look at this:

Someone with the handle “tried them all” wrote the following:

“For over six years, I have been lying to myself. I have been hurting myself emotionally and physically. I seek help, but I am really lying that I want help at all. I’ve seen at least a dozen professionals, none of whom have helped me. Although each and every one had a fault, I could not overlook their deficiencies to see my own.

I am angry, but won’t admit to my anger. My anger is at myself…anger turned inward. I do harmful things to ‘act out’ my anger, but I only hurt myself and those around me. I have done nothing to help myself and all my efforts to seek help thus far have been in vain. I have lost the love of many. I no longer have the people and things that have meant most to me.

I have found that instead of working with these professionals, I have worked against them. Instead of trying to make things better, I have only made them worse.

I have only thought negatively, rather than positively. Instead of saying “I can,” I make excuses for why “I can’t.” I don’t try now because I fear failure. I have failed because I have been lying to myself.”
———————————————————

You can see how this person is struggling with a battle against bipolar disorder.

On the one hand, they want help. On the other hand, the bipolar works to stop the person from getting help.

It is complicated indeed!

I find that in these situations, supporters have to make huge efforts to get their loved ones into the right treatment, so that’s one of the things I go over in my courses/systems.

SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11

SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com

HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
It’s like bipolar disorder is your enemy, fighting against you all the time, and doesn’t want you to win, so in order to help your loved one, you have to step up your efforts every time the bipolar does (which seems to be all the time sometimes).

You can just feel the pain that this person in the post is going through. All the “on the one hand” and then “on the other hand,” whether they say it or not. They are so confused!

I bet your loved one goes through the same thing.

The most important thing is not only that they get treatment, but that they get the right treatment.

Not only that, but they have to be cooperative with their treatment.

This person talked about the many professionals they sought for treatment.

But then they said, “I have found that instead of working with these professionals, I have worked against them. Instead of trying to make things better, I have only made them worse.”

One of the ways you can help your loved one is to encourage them to work with the professionals trying to help them. Tell them that they need to be part of their own treatment, or it won’t work, and they can’t get better – that they have to be HONEST with their treatment team.

First of all, if they don’t go to their appointments, they will NEVER get better, because how can they get ANY help at all?

Tell your loved one that as much as you love them, that you can’t help them all by yourself – that they need these professionals to help them, too.

Maybe you can even show your loved one this email and let them read the post from “tried them all,” so they can see how they might end up if they don’t cooperate with their own professionals.

Let them see some of the things that this person said. I’m sure your loved one doesn’t want to hurt themselves emotionally and physically like this person says they’ve done.

I’m sure your loved one doesn’t want to do hurtful things in “anger turned inward” to hurt themselves or you.

Or to be like this person who goes on to say, “I have lost the love of many. I no longer have the people and things that have meant most to me.”

Maybe you should tell your loved one that you don’t want them to turn out like that. That you don’t want them to lose you, but that if they continue not to seek help for their bipolar disorder, that they might lose you anyway.

I know that seems harsh, but many supporters have left their loved ones because, without proper treatment, their loved ones got worse, not better.

I know you want your loved one to get better.

I know that you love them, or you wouldn’t be with them.

One of the hardest things, supporters tell me, is getting their loved one into treatment.

This post shows what happens when a person with bipolar disorder doesn’t get the treatment they need.

FIND OUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT ME
Visit: http://www.bipolarcentral.com/testimonials

David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.

  1. after being away from the volatile situation i think i can be of more help to my x by being his x ..while married i was so confused and angry by the way he acted toward especially the kids i could be of no help to him…now i have left the door open if he wants my help and to communicate i am there…seemed silly at first all the mean hateful emails he would send to me telling me he had a new life and to leave him alone he hated me and didnt want to know anything about our lives without him …. and yet i hang on i guess because i know he needs me whether he knows it or want to admit it ..plus its easier now i can just not read the emails things are not breaking against the wall around my kids and i …..he cant hurt us anymore i had to get us to a safe place so he didnt take us down with him..his violence and control were overwhelming ..his affairs his lying about them then leaving receipts where i could see them was painful…now its easier maybe now he will get the help he needs he cant blame me anymore for it.

  2. your emails have helped me so much in understanding my x and what bipolar is all about ..though i do think in many cases it was his own personality that made him do things to me….i may never understand him totally but you have shed a lot of light on it. thanks

  3. I just wanted to let you know that your e-mail today…….
    well…it made me…..it gave me the strength to hang in there
    for at least one more day. As a suporter I must say thats the
    only way I can do it sometimes…”ONE DAY AT A TIME’
    Thank you for all of the suport your words give.
    you just never know whos angel your going to be each day

  4. Hiya!

    Although I’m awaiting an operation to remove bleeding fibroids and am trying to balance my bi-polar, my partner has just lost his driving license for drink-driving and as he’s a mobile mechanic, this has led me to being his personal taxi driver for the past few days. His business premises are situated miles from the nearest bus or train route in the middle of the country and although I’ve tried taking my dogs to the nearby beaches and reading to pass the time whilst he repairs vehicles, the strain is already getting to me, as I’m over-tired.

    My friend died two weeks ago after losing her battle against alcohol and I tried to shock my other half into reducing his alcohol abuse by taking him to see her corpse the other night, but he’s still drinking all day long. I’m taking him to see a counsellor later this week and have told him that if he fails to see him/her regularly in the future with the view of reducing his alcohol intake, I’ll cease ferrying him around and will also leave him! (I no longer drink alcohol or smoke nicotine.)

    I’m about to take a shower whilst he cooks us a roast dinner, but the thought of another long day tomorrow is winding me up, as I’m supposed to rest until the operation.

    Not all supporters are “normal”, because I’m supporting HIM and I’M the one with bi-polar!

    Have a good day all. I’m off for an early night. Take care,

    Sue and all the animals. x

  5. For Susie, Firstly sorry about your friend Its hard. The second thing is i Understand your situation been the taxi. I’m bipolar myself but my husband refuses to learn to drive and for the last year i have to take him to meet his bus every morning and collect him in the evenings his bus is 15km away from where we live. His job moved last year,thats why and for all last winter it had me very very low. I kept at him to see if he could arrange a lift with one of the lads but no he won’t. Most mornings we have rows me trying to get him out in time coz if he misses the bus i then have to bring him the rest of the way to work which is another 18km approx.

    He doesnt drink but i dont always feel his support he’s very much depending on me which i feel is alot of pressure on me. I dont feel i can just get help with the bipolar coz if i’m told i need a stay in hospital he’s no way to work.

    I can very much understand what your going through but without the drink. I’m told I should be grateful coz he has a job and i am but i am also looking far into the future and still seen nothing changing and thats what i dont like. we rowed over it many times, now i just do it and keep me mouth shut. I know its keeping this way will someday come out in another row but till then i wait. I know one thing he’s never going to learn to drive.

    So yes your rite not all supporters are “normal”
    Good luck with your op
    You will be in my prayers
    God Bless Amanda

  6. Hi David,
    This was a great email. Too bad there were not more people like you. Where a person will usually put on the brakes bipolar will not stop taking down whoever whatever is in the way. It is inside, we try and fight it and become engauged in a fight with ourselves. Two becomes one and for me I forgot who I am, I do not know where I went. I tried to kill myself at 11, I have always been sick. How do you begin to define youself when you havent a clue who you are. Wake up one day thinking you are the winner of all these fights, in truth bipolar won and there was not one person left to turn to. The bipolar builds a solid foundation for the path of self destruction. Alone, mind twisted, torn apart from the inside out, thoughts racing, no sleep……I do not believe any person who killed theirself wanted to-they just cant fight the beast, it is easier to kill it.
    Thanks,
    Karen

  7. Hi Dave,

    Your email today could have so easily been written by my son. I have heard him say these same things many times, and the saddest part of this situation is that he just can’t make or keep friends and he realizes that he does things that alienate them, yet he continues to do the very things that he knows make them turn away. He is really a kind, loving person deep inside, but his illness sabotages all of that. I simply have not been able to convince him that he must seek a therapist that he trusts and he would not hear of his mom (me) interfering in any way – He tells me he is a grown man, not a baby and he is embarrassed if I try to help him. Consequently, I feel “Damned if I do” and “Damned if I don’t” with regard to my helping him find a good therapist.
    As Tara said, the only way I can live with this situation is to take it one day
    at a time, and some times I just feel like I can not keep going!
    I don’t know what I would do without your daily emails — they give me hope and inspiration to “hang in there” if only for one more day. God Bless you for your compassionate care for all of us who live in this situation of continual torment caused by Bipolar illnesses. Thank you for listening.
    I hope that your Dad and Mom are both doing much better. You are very dedicated to your parents, and they are so very blessed to have the loving and caring son that you are for them. – Sincerely, Dolores

  8. Hi, this is the 1st email I’ve read and it really helps the situation at home. My sister is in a hypomania state and decided to come and visit/live with me 5 weeks ago. By doing so, I feel like my life has been taken over, yet I want to help. Your email will help me talk to her, at least I can keep planting seeds to try and get her to go to a doctor, even though she hasn’t been to one in 7 years. She has become her own doctor, and well, she’s failing because she’s getting worse not better. I fear that she will never be herself again. I’m sure she doesn’t realize the stress she causes her loved ones….I’m so sad that bipolar is ruling her life. Karen was so right by saying bipolar builds a path for self destruction. I pray for all bipolar supporters and their loved ones, and please pray for my sister and I as well. -Laurie

  9. To SUSIE: You are going “that extra mile” for your loved one, and YOU’RE the one with bipolar! Congratulations for sticking with your horrible situation, and not leaving him. However, I agree that you need to set limits and boundaries on your love for him – he MUST quit drinking! Not only is he destroying HIS life, but he’s taking you down with him. Think very carefully about where you’ll be five years down the road, and if this is the RIGHT road for you.

    I am concerned about your surgery; PLEASE get enough rest before the operation, and ESPECIALLY afterwards. I don’t see how you can help your loved one when this time comes, but I’m sure HE will find a way.

    Who is taking care of “the animals?” Will they have the proper care once you have been operated on and come home? I am concerned, as I KNOW you are a bona fide “animal lover!”

    I am praying for a positive outcome of your operation; you are in my thoughts.

    BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.

  10. SUSIE, it’s good to see you back. Sorry, you are having so many problems – it never rains but it pours. With an operation ahead the last thing you want is trouble with your man. Why is the build-up to Christmas always the most stressful time of the year? I have had stress on stress with very little respite since April. My boyfriend went into a big manic episode and spent 6 weeks in the psych ward. When everything seemed to be going in the right direction in the summer (except the weather – lol) for a while. Then my lodger did a runner, leaving me with massive bills, as well as showing all the signs of a manic episode. Who says lightning doesn’t strike twice?! Since the clocks went back my boyfriend has been in a depression, only now and then coming out of it for a couple of days. He said he was going to give up drink totally, then last week went on the binge. Now I’m really worried again, knowing that the drink makes him feel worse, as well as not mixing well with his bipolar meds. His ex had left us alone for a long while and recently started messing with his head again. She always does it when he is most vulnerable. Right now he is very confused. All I can do is wait and hope and pray that he sorts himself out before the holidays. Hope your animals are well looked after. Animals are a lot less trouble than people and often the best antidote to stress.

    SUZANNE, thinking about where I might be in 5 years time is just the sort of thought that keeps me awake. Right now I need to take every day as it comes and make the best of it. And at the end of every bad day hope (and work on when I can) to make the next day better. About 2 months is the most I can think ahead. If I still have enough income to keep the roof over my head by March 09 it will be an achievement. All I can hope and pray for now is that my boyfriend will get well again. I’m not happy with our situation right now, when I only see him once a week and we have not had a good night out in a long while. Then I have too much time to let thoughts go around my head. eg. What would happen if I went out with my mates one night and met someone else? Someone with fewer problems and better prospects? I declined any recent offers, because I really love my man. And I think he knows that.

  11. Hi everyone
    I had a long term relationship with a wonderful man who was diagnosed as BP two years ago. Since then everything changed in our lives. He was hospitalized twice due to a manic depression and he was very suicidal. Even though he is on the combo medication and all other sorts of therapies he got manic two months ago , he got involved in a few internet relationships trying to convinced a couple of girls to meet him ( it did not work though). He told me when I came to visit him that he is very unhappy with me, that I am not a women for him and that he needs a big change in his life. He wanted us to stay friends , he phoned me a few times after but I could not answer the phone – I was scared of being more hurt by him. Some of our mutual friends visited him recently and said that he was doing fine, he is not manic anymore. I would like to have an answer and closure on this pain but from someone who is bipolar – please tell me what is really going on in mind of BP when something like this happens ? Do they regret after the things they said and have done? Do they even remember what they did when they were manic. And what is my main concern is the fact that no matter on med and cognitive behavioral therapy with the best therapists – he still got manic ( prior to mania he had mixed episodes for a few weeks ). We were together for 10 years, we were best friends and now he does not even want to see me or mention my name to our mutual friends. It is really painful. Please advise.
    Donna

  12. If sharing my heart and experiences have helped at least one person, my life was worth living. I have found no other purpose. Best to all and know you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I hope we meet again in a better, happier place.

  13. mellisa,
    i am in a similar vote you are. I have been with my husband for 8 years he was diagoned with bipolar about 12 years ago and took meds for two years then winged himself off of them. We haven’t gotton along in about 4 years and I have been holding on trying to get him to get help. He finally did but I am not sure if the medician is going to work for him. So I am debating in leaving him or staying by his side. I think that we would be better just as friends he has said and done some mean things to me and I am not sure if those will contuine or if it will get better.

  14. your article could have been written for my daughter. she is in hospital right now after a relapse and cut off from me. she is under medication without her acceptance/ she doesnt believe anything is wrong with her. she hasnt crossed the first lock. its been yrs riding the roller coaster. i am drained out. cant cope up any more. i need help. thanks for being there somewhere

  15. Hi Amanda, Suzanne and Nightlady,

    Thanks very much for your comments. They’ve come at a very opportune time after we’ve finally arrived home from a long day, with my being very abrupt with one of Martin’s regular business customers ringing him seven times on his mobile phone within half an hour, asking him to fix a van which he’s looked at twice since yesterday and said that he can’t mend until Wednesday because of a lack of time and the funeral of my friend tomorrow! He explained that we were in a superstore shopping and would pop down yet again to look at it, which caused me to nag him about not being assertive enough and that he should’ve firmly said “NO!”, because we’ve got a life and that I was hungry and over-tired. I drove madly over to where he was talking to one of the employees and yelled that he’d better hurry up as I was about to leave and the typical “brotherhood of nagged men society” emerged with them sheepishly stating, “Oh! You’ve got to go, have you?”, so as soon as he got into the car, I sped off with the door still open and a squeal of the tyres to show them that even if they don’t respect him, they’d better watch out for me!

    Yet, on the way home, the bloke STILL tried to ring Martin again, so I took it from him and switched it off. I’ve got them both now in my possession and I’ve told him that he’s to ignore this customer for 24 hours to gain some respect and that whilst he’s in his first therapy session tomorrow morning to try to reduce his alcohol intake and learn newer, healthier habits, like I’ve done, I’LL man the phones, taking messages and will also deal with this pain of a customer, as I’m waiting in the car outside. Then we’re off to the funeral. I’ve tried to instill it in him that he’s too good a Mechanical Engineer to be treated like a menial worker who’s desperate for work and that if he’s always available, the customers won’t value him. Plus, thanks to my ‘YELLOW PAGES’ advert, he’s gaining new clients that respect him, so it won’t be the end of the World if we get shot of the pain in the backside one!

    I hope that everybody out there, including David, of course, has a good day and I appreciate this blog as a way of cooling down with other people who understand.

    Take care all. Love,

    Sue and all the animals. x

  16. I lost the love of my loved one. We’ve been married for 20 year and I “know” her for 26 years. With some treatment and medicine we coped for a while until the alcohol together with the meds started playing its role. She now firmly believes I’m the cause of all her misery and has filed for divorce. It seems she is oblivious to what the impact is going to be to our three children. When I discuss the matter it all seems clear in her mind that this is the right thing to do and there is no turning back. Its not always clear whether she is within her right mind or whether the meds got her so “chilled-out” that nothing matters except what she wants. All blame is on me and she is so convincing that I sometimes almost believe the accusations. It helps to read of others who can encourage you in times like this.

  17. I am taking a chance that someone, hopefully you David, will read and reply to this email.
    Briefly. I am a 72 yr old grandmother who has a 19 yr old bipolar grandson living with me. It is just the two of us. His parents, both addicts, are in and out ( mostly out) of his life so you can well imagine the pain he has endured. He is on and off his meds…presently he is off. He claims it makes him too tired and too fat (which is the truth). Still, he needs meds or something desperately. He is verbally abusive, destructive in the home, rude and unwilling to help out in any way. On occassion he is the most endearing young man and I love him dearly but I don’t think I can handle having him in my home much longer. His parents refuse to take him but that is probably best as they can’t care for themselves. I have health problems and concerned about what the stress will do to me but I also don’t want to turn my back on him.
    Any suggestions? Thank you so much for listening.
    Pat-CT

  18. I disagree with the comment about not giving up on your loved one. How can one stay with and support someone who will not help themselves? I have been trying to walk away from the man I have loved for years. He seems to have a hold on me like no other, but he will not seek treatment. I was also engaged to someone with BP and he did try to stay on his treatment plan but became impossible to live with because of his addictions. I had to end the engagement for my own mental wellness and that of my children. David, I am far from a selfish person and I think you should have a bit more understanding of your brother. I imagine he is making a choice for the good of his mental health and needs to remain healthy for the life he must lead now. This illness consumes and sucks every once of energy from people that try to love and support one who can not manage or does not try. There is no balance in a relationship like that and we all have needs. We can not always be the one giving and overlooking the pain that is caused when the additions take over or the BP person does not follow treatment.
    Trying hard to move on and grieve the losses.

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