This is all new to me. I have recently left my husband of 9 years because of his serious gambling habbits and have a friend who said he may have Bipolar Disorder. We also have 4 children. he seriously doesn’t think he has a gambling problem. he admits he has a problem but, I think he’s blowing smoke up my butt. The reason for this is because, he relates to me leaving is that. I left him, he misses me, and he’s depressed and he doesn’t know what to do to get me back home. It’s such a long story, i could go on forever!

My husband I think is bipolar. I am not sure if that is exactly his diagnoses. He is suppose to take medication for both depression and anxiety. But he refuses to take either. I dont know what to call what he has he seems to have many of the symptoms of bipolar he has horrible mood swings, easily irratated,will either be withdrawn or total opposite and not want to stop going, he will only sleep for 4 hours and then want to not wake up.He will suddenly stop caring about his hygene and then suddenly be obsessed with it. He can last being normal for about 2-3 week then he will have a explosive crazy I guess mania episode and he will be set off by something little and scream about it and everything and anything else he will not be able to stay on the original topic and his thought process will be all over the place and his remarks will not even make sense sometimes. He is ashamed of his depression so when I have said when he is screaming at me please get back on your medicine he will say “dont make fun of me” I currantly am separated from him but in the past I was about to leave him back in April he promised me that he was so sorry for the way he treated my 5 yr old daughter and myself. He is emotionally abusive to my daughter and myself and sometimes physical to me only but he half the time doesnt even remember what he has done when he is in his mania mode and screaming at me for thing from a couple weeks ago to 15yrs ago. He will say the strangest thing sometimes. He will compulsively buy off of ebay and he doesnt have the money for this things. He has past due bills, and things just keep coming up and he will say oh I didnt want to tell you because you would be upset. How can I get him help? I get so hurt by what he does and at the time it is hard for me to remember that he is sick but at what point do you say he needs to truely realize and fully take resposiblity for his illness and seek some help. He has said he doesnt like the way the medicine makes him feel, I say ask your doctor if they can change your medication. The problem is he is not honest with his doctor when he does go. He has lied that he does take the full dose he is suppose to take but the doctor took his blood and said are you sure because your level is low…he totally lies to the doctor and comes home and tells me this. He will order the medication it came but then he refuses to take it and will lie that he is but if I second guess him and ask him again he will admit he isnt and then yell he is not going to take that medicine. He will go from quite and withdrawn to explosive,loud and abusive. Is there some that can help him. Please.

One big thing is medication,doctors,and a simple routine,support.i have had this all my life and now 2 of my 3 children have it.In order for someone not to be able to tell you are bipolar is really simple.If a person is able to do all the things that are good for them,as well as others help, you can keep it so no one can tell.

I read someone’s blog response today about “the demon” of this disorder. When I see the look on my husband’s face in his rages while drunk…that is how I describe “the look”. I have a niece who raged at her work place which was definitely noticeable but for me rages have been in the privacy of our home or against his brother who is also an “undiagnosed” bipolar person. My husband has always been known to be the mosts likeable person in public because his job was salesmanship but “the demon” came home and raged. Bipolar has many looks to me but the one that makes my blood run cold is “the demon”.
Thank goodness for a proper diagnosis and the tools you give us to be bipolar survivors. God bless you.

For destiny,

Your husband sounds manic alright, or mixed state.
The point is that antidepresive medication in bipolar pacients can increase manic simptoms.
If he is so angry since on antidepresants the simptoms might be caused by the meds themselves.However, it is less likely if he is not taking them on regular basis.
He needs to be put on meds named mood stabilisers and he will be able to feel himself the good efects as you increase dose and make him more compliant, then aditional medication can be added, if necesary.
My partner use to be exactly the same, he’s now on Depakote for over a month and he was able to tell the doc all the symptoms a few days back.
I was soo pleasantly surprised and so proud of him!
Talk to his doctor about what is really goin on and to get him proper medication.Tell Dr to stress NO ALCOHOL at all with meds.
Try to approach your husband with the subject when he is not angry, when he feels may be sorry for the damage caused by his behaviour and speek to him gently, not accusatory…
Hang in there, there is plenty of hope.I know it’s tough,but all the bad thigs he’ doing are due to the ilness, it’s not him…

Wish you the best of luck!!!

Diane

To be honest this whole issue of whether or not you can tell by looking at someone if they are bipolar is growing old…why so obsessed with it?! I dont think its anywhere near as useful as your other materials, Dave, and also as a person with BPD I used to get paranoid enough without someone suggesting that I now look like I have a mental health condition!!!

My husband wears shorts and sandals in the winter time. I think things like that may “give him away”. He doesn’t always shave and looks disheveled. He fills his car up with junk. I don’t know that these things say “bipolar” to the untrained eye, but they do to me.

Dave,
Love your notes each day. You seem to have the REAL facts. Yes,
I have always said I could tell if my husband was in an episode long before it started! This may sound strange, but, he has a different slight color difference in his face. Chemical? I don’t know but even when I didn’t know what it was for years, I commented on this to him. I work with students and I can pick out those with this illness at a glance. It precedes them. Something like an aura. It is scary to those living with someone like this. I can say my husband is seeming to be better-with MEDS- and therapy of which he has just agreed he needs. I am looking forward to a better future or should I say Today with him. Tough love sometimes is necessary if you want to have a life with the one you love and who has this serious disease. I encourage anyone who is dealing with this in a loved one to keep pushing for them to see a doctor for MEDS-it won’t work without this and therapy if at all possible. I still contend that if after exhausting all this please, share that you will leave if this does not happen and THEN DO! TAke care of yourself!

Dave, the answer is in the question. Stability creates stability. My boyfriend needs someone/something he can trust… that he can depend on that’s constant and unchanging. Routine and unconditional love. His obsession is with control because he feels as if he has none. It’s imperative as supporters that our loved ones feel that we are in control of the BP. We supporters need support too. Bless you, Dave.

Mi hijo padece de Bipolaridad hace cinco años. De acuerdo a mi experiencia, lo que lo mantiene estable es el amor nuestro, de su familia, de sus amigos también, y la rutina. NO cambiarla. Y si fuera necesario hacerlo, acompañar los cambios con mucha paciencia, y horas de charla.

I´ll try to translate what I wrote in spanish. I think, as a mother of a “Bipolar” who is 23 years old, that the most important for him to keep calm is knowing that is loved, knowing that me, his friends, his family are very closed to him and we can understand, and be patient. Other important thing is routine. Try to keep the same schedule as much as hi can.

Davdi, et al. I’ve pointed out before that it has been stated in at least one academic book that I know of that menally ill people can often spot people who are also ill, and those who are faking it. If the rest of us can’t, presumably this may be explained by there being signs if illness which people who ARE ill become tuned to spotting. Around 30 years ago, a freiend of mine who was rampantly manic-depressive – I imagine she would be classed today as being Type 1 – was cononvied that I was “a bit manic depressive”. Of of her fellow in-patients, a schitzophrenic also thought I was “one of us” and not one of the “sane” people, as he put it. They were subsequently proven right! So, yes – I believe it is possible for SOME people to spot if a person is Bipolar. It is ironic, however, that – as the author of The Psychotic said – the mentally ill patients are often better at spotting the fakes than the psychiatrists!

I BELIEVE I HAVE THE LOOK OF A PERSON WHO IS STABLE. INSTANTLY MY WIFE KNOWS WHEN I AM IN THE BEGINNG OF AN EPISODE. I DO NOT SHAVE,WASH MY HAIR, BRUSH MY TEETH,PUT CLEAN CLOTHES ON TO START THE DAY. WHEN I AM WELL GROOMED IT IS VERY HARD TO TELL THAT I AM BIPOLAR. I AM DISABLED NOW FROM VETERANS AND SOCIAL SECURITY. I AM ABLE TO DRESS THE PART OF ANYONE I WISH. I BELIEVE THAT IF YOU CAN PROJECT AN IMAGE OF STABILITY YOUR 80% HOME.IT IS WHEN SOMEONE SEES YOU IN A INOPPORTUNE TIME THAT IS WHEN THE CHAIN OF FEAR STARTS. BY THIS I MEAN THAT IF YOUR ARE LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS THEN ONE PERSON TELLS THE NEXT AND SO ON ANDSO ON.IF YOU WILL BE HONEST WHEN YOU ARE RANTING AND RAVING IN A MANIC EPISODE THERE USUALLY ALOT OF PEOPLE AROUND. JAMES

I did not know that the woman I love had bipolar when I first saw her. She is a strong and beautiful person with strong character. Even as we started dating, I was not aware of it. She acted out certain things (drinking/sex/spending $) to some excess but I did not attribute that to anything like bipolar. She was involved with her two young daughters and lived her life well othewise. It was not until she told me about it and I started to research it that I became aware.
The keys are to have a stable routine, which include taking her medication, resting and getting proper sleep, eating well, control or stop the drinking, and having a strong, understanding, and loving family and support group around her….including her doctors and psychiatrist (if needed.) Otherwise, I would not be able to tell that she had this disorder. I love her for the strength that she has in dealing with this and will be a support for her as long as she wants me to be.

Well, I have a son with Bipolar disease and their are times that he is very irrational and mean, complusive,addicting and depressed. If I saw him on the street at a glance I would not think he has a problem because he is socially friendly, but after afew times he has different moods that are very apparent. He changes he thought process and does not conform to the rules. It is very hard to see this and know that it is a long term issue to deal with and he is only 16.

If knowledge equals power then implementing the knowledge creates stability. FOr me knowing triggers is vital, using tools, creating supports systems, ect. In short – doing what your 7 secrets for living with bipolar. Fake it till you make it….act as though you are stable untill it comes to pass, but above all be honest to yourself and don’t make it an excuse for not trying to behave in a way that “I take care of me”.No one need know your labled, lest you tell them. And, would I be telling them so I have an excuse to be _________ __________ _________
To thine own self be true!!

Gosh, what do i think creates stability if your not sure if they have bypolar? Hmm, well, that is what i am trying to figure out myself, just last night we had an issue, because he doesnt think he needs to let me know what time he is coming home and somehow he always tries to make is my fault, but i am not allowing it and i call him on it, but the wierd thing is with him is he seems to for a bit respect the fact that i call him on it, but that only works once and then he becomes irritable……..he is hard to read, but i have to take care of myself, too. He may just be a selfish moody man, so how can you tell if it is that or bypolar?

I know of two people (good friends) that have bipolar disorder, one of which I have always seen stable…the other one I know has had a recent episode (but only due to not taking his meds properly). Both never gave me any clue that they had bipolar disorder–I would never have known if someone else had not told me.
They are actually quite laid back, on the gentle and quiet side, preferring to be ‘in the background’ of their more assertive mates. Both their mates are very loving, supportive, helpful and nurturing people by nature. I am quite positive that the deeply respectful love and devotion shown to their bipolar mates has been the starting point from which the bipolar mate has gained some degree of security and has helped them in gaining stability.
I believe that possibly only while ‘in an episode’ would someone on the outside be aware that ‘something strange’ was going on…or during some mood swings, or something…to show they are ‘out of character’.

The only way I know that you can tell if someone has Bi-Polar is by their behavior. Even then, most doctors still have trouble diagnosing it because its masked by it’s own symptoms that relate to several other disorders. Addiction, depression and ADHD have been the main ones in my experience. I have been a “guinea pig” of the med merry-go-round for quite a few years now. Many meds had worse side effects than the problems they were supposed to address. People (uneducated) never automatically think anything of bi-polar behavior, they just label you as a loser or whatever term they like to use. It’s a hard life when you feel there is something different or “wrong” with you than other “normal” people, and makes for denial of the illness and the mental obsession that you can overcome it by “thinking” your way past it. So you try to function like others around you only to find out that you can’t so easily do so, and then more depression and self-worth issues complicate the already complicated. I feel this is what leads to an easy diversion to addictions as a way to alter the almost unbearable feelings that have compiled over time. I have found in my experience that this disease can be successfully treated with the right combination of meds, support groups, therapists…(cause everyone else gets tired of the rants) and even using a 12 step program for both the bi-polar person, and the family that supports it. Tough love as they call it, is sometimes needed to seperate the family for a bit until the person decides or is convinced that the only way back is to deal directly with their illness and to accept it at heart. Without this, all that repeats is abusive out of control behavior towards those that love the afflicted person. To treat this illness as an addiction isn’t far fetched because bi-polar people are known to become addicted to mania, even to the degree that they purposely skip meds to keep it. Along with acceptance of the illness there also has to come a willingness to do whatever is necessary to overcome it. Back to basics as I call it. Just getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, and taking a shower on a daily basis can be a daunting task for someone who is exhausted from the struggle of dealing with their illness. But that where is starts. One step at at time. Structure is gained one step at a time. There can be no improvement with the illness without a structured enviroment in which to recover.
Remember.. addictions or alcoholism are merely attempts of self medication. They have to be treated before any treatment of the bi-polar can be addressed in any theraputic manner.

In my experience bipolar people really dislike routine, keeping appointments, etc. But a lot of other people feel that way and not all of us are bipolar. Not everyone with an addiction is bipolar either. Many years ago I had a boyfriend with a gambling addiction, but he did not have bipolar disorder. I don’t think you can tell by just looking at people, except maybe when they’re in the middle of an episode you may see it in their eyes. Unless someone tells you that they are bipolar, I think you would have to get to know them a bit before you know.

There is one characteristic I have that alerted my boyfriend that there was “something wrong” with me. Can you guess? Scroll down (taking a tip from your notes, Dave!) It is this: my actions look “deliberate.” To my boyfriend, this means that I move slowly, or more slowly than other people, that is. Every motion I make is “deliberate.” To him, this means I’m under the influence of meds! He says I look kind of “druggy.”

During my manic episodes, every motion is fast, from my rapid thinking to my speech. I’ve learned over the years, to SLOW DOWN and make sure that I’m NOT doing anything that remotely resembles mania. In fact, it was only a few months ago that I began making deliberate movements. At first, I thought it was AGE catching up to me. My bipolar friend always said; if you have a new mood, and it lasts more than 3 days, it’s YOU. This almost “zombie-like” mood has lasted nearly six months, so I can’t ascribe it to AGE. Maturity in my illness may be accountable. I still type as fast – remember, my “fit?” But I do think I “think” more slowly, which is dangerous in conversations with my brilliant boyfriend! I sometimes miss his “funnies” because they go right over my head.

People in a manic episode move FAST, think FAST, have rapid thoughts and actions, think religiosity (mainly delusions of God), have GRAND plans that are never carried out, and have random sex with strangers. Supporters can USUALLY tell when their loved ones are in a mania; strangers AND friends are often puzzled by this behavior. I’ve driven many a friend away by behaving erratically. When I start getting “hyper,” THAT is the time I call my shrink/therapist, and get some serious therapy/med change, before I’m “hospit-able.”

I hope this has helped someone either recognize this in themselves or their loved ones. I’m used to this “new feeling” by now – just wasn’t aware it was so apparent.

BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and the ones who love them. My prayers are with you.

Nakisha,

This sounds more like regular jealousy to me, not a BD symptom. It’s unpleasant at any time and I’ve kmnown it to cause couples to split up, esp when the jealous person gets aggressive and even violent.

That said, it may be he gets more irritated by this when he’s a bit manic/hypo manic. Indeed, by not talking to you, it MIGHT be his way of avoiding aggressive.

I think what you have to do is CHOOSE between three options:

1. Change it – may be this is possible by talking through with him or by using a counsellor/intermediary.

2. Put up with it.

3. Leave him

There are no other options that I can think of.

Best of luck,

I do not believe for the most part that bipolar people can be “spotted”, unless they are unmedicated or their meds aren’t working and they’re going thru a bad manic phase. I was just diagnosed this year (I’m 36) after being misdiagnosed as having anxiety/depression for the past 18 years. It wasn’t until I had a bad hypomanic phase in which I was unable to sleep for 3 days but was not the least bit tired that my primary care doctor recognized it (after discussing my sleep with him I told him previously I had been sleeping 13-15 hrs every night)

I do think routine is very important, and a support system. My mom is a huge support to me, she reads everything she can get her hands on about the illness and we discuss things that we feel may be applicable to me. However my husband does not yet want to learn anything about this, I think it scares him, which makes my life that much more difficult because I feel I’m unable to talk to him about my moods or receive any support from him. If I tell him I’m feeling “off”, he doesn’t say anything, but then will become furious when it progresses and I become argumentative and irritable. He blames everything on the meds or the doctor, not understanding all meds work different on different people, and that it may take some time to find what works for me.

Tanya Rae said, “…my husband does not yet want to learn anything about this, I think it scares him, which makes my life that much more difficult because I feel I’m unable to talk to him about my moods or receive any support from him. If I tell him I’m feeling “off”, he doesn’t say anything, but then will become furious when it progresses and I become argumentative and irritable. He blames everything on the meds or the doctor, not understanding all meds work different on different people”

Oh boy! This sounds SO familiar! It’s just the same I have with my wife! I suspect she’s only just “chaned the tune” not because of some epithamy but because it suits her own purpose now for me to stay at home and look after the kids while she swans off to work abroad. (And no, it isn’t to get money to bring home … I never see a penny of it! The boys and I – and indeed she when she’s here – live off my pension!)

I knew my boyfriend was bipolar 6 months into the relationship. He told me I was crazy and I needed help. A week later, he said he called his mom and she confirmed that he was but never told him because she didn’t want him to know!!