Dear Dave, I have been getting your email help with my daughter who has been bipolar since she was born or at least it seems like it. She is 31 and I have struggled through the years, first to get a diagnosis and then to keep her on the meds and out of trouble. Well guess what? I have just been diagnosed at the age of 47. I knew that her fathers family and mine were full of bipolars, but I thought at this age, I had missed the bullet. Not so they say. Seems when you have extreme stresses in your life (HAH) it can be underlying and make itself known. I already had that you say? Not really, I have been dealing with her every step of the way, so I was used to that stress. I have been recently diagnosed with some severe health problems (surprise surprise!) and that was my trigger. Just wanted to warn people that it can hit you at any age. Thanks For All Your Help…..N

I NEVER DENIED THE FACT THAT I WAS BIPOLAR. I HAD IT COMING THOUGH. I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH SEVERE DEPRESSION BACK IN 1993 AND EVEN HOSPITALIZED. I DONT HAVE ANY POSITIVE FEEDBACK FOR YOU GUYS OUT THERE RIGHT NOW BUT WHAT I DO WITH MY BIPOLAR IS MAKE A JOKE OUT OF IT. I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE IN DENIAL BECAUSE OF THIS MEANING BEHIND BIPOLAR…Bipolar disorder is a psychiatric disease characterized by episodes of extreme mood swings, depression and mania. IN ALL REALITY, WHO WOULD WANT TO BE KNOWN LIKE THIS? WE BIPOLAR SUFFERERS JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL.

Hi Dave,

I’m kind of appaled about you attitude to Carol.Do you really think she had emailed to you to get attacked?

Don’t you think her partner is giving her quite enough of abuse, beeing EITHER NOT MEDICATED OR IN AN EPISODE?

She is not “HARSH”, Sir, she is asking you what can she do.SHE WAS ASKING YOU FOR ADVICE!!!SHE IS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND,and like all the BP supporters,what’s going on in his mind, and that’s more than just “HARSH”. More often than not we end up ourselves with panick attacks and AD medication, let alone counseling!

MAYBE WE NEED TO ASK SOMEONE REAL QUESTIONS for a change, not always pretending right, left and center that everything is just FINE and OK with both ourselves and our loved one’s!!!YOU ADVERTISE YOURSELF AS PROVIDING SUPPORT FOR SUPPORTERS!!!

AM I RIGHT?

Do you think you have supported Carol by all means???

It was a hell of a support, allright!!!

Maybe you should consider not posting when you have a bad day,or feel angry, or ask for a second oppinion, or think twice before you come out here on your first impulse and damage someone’s self estime.

“PRIMUM NO NOCERE!”- first make sure you do not harm!!!

Doesn’t look professional at all you comming here and make a supporter feel like it is HER FAULT HIS PARTNER IS IN DENIAL!!!

For Christ’s sake, what is WRONG WITH YOU?

I’m closely watching your work for months now, but this is a VERY BAD one!!!

Diane

I have BP but it doesn’t have me. I like many others have it under control because I chose to get better for myself and others. It was out of control when I ignored it and while they were getting my meds right it was even worse and I regret that my family and friends had to see me and deal with me at my worst. It is so embarrassing to have this problem. I hate the stereo type of CRAZY.

However what is worse is that my sister is in law enforcement and has BP according to her husband, but will not go to a doctor for this because if she does then it is confirmed that she has a mental disorder and they could fire her from her job. It is really sad because her family has to deal with the yelling, screaming, roller coaster, money spending behaviors. She is the one that has the medical benefits for the family and the future retirement. So far she is high functioning and she does see a therapist very regularly, but unfortunately has to suffer with it and I fear she will get worse.

Our father was never diagnosed but he self medicated with alcohol and drugs which only made him agressive and depressed a thousand fold. He died at the age of 45 because he had abused his liver so badly. I was cheated out of having a father because of the disorder and I wanted better for my children so I got the help I needed even though I didn’t want to accept it.

My best advice to anyone supporting someone with BP is to praise them for every baby step they take to get better. Show them you are proud of their courage to get the help they need. Then getting medicated properly can be just as difficult for the BP and the supporter but determination and a keen eye will get the meds right, the healing process can begin, and the payoff in the end is incredible.

I think that diane4u is harsh to our friend here. The last thing anyone should say to someone who is bipolar is that they are or act “crazy”. Not a very loving term I must add. Besides, don’t you think they already have that in the back of their minds? Try to be SUPPORTIVE not judgmental.

I appreciate your emails, it is very good insite for me. My mother has a mental illness and i see lots of similarities in my husband. He can be a very good man at times adn then all of a sudden he turns into an egotistical freak that is better and above everyone and becomes very cruel and demeaning to others, especially me and my son. Is this a sign of bypolar or is he just and egotistical man that tries to be nice and only last so long.

What is surprising about not wanting to admit that you have a chronic and debilitating illness. If you were to be diagnosed with diabetes, or parkinson’s, or alzheimers, or any other such disease which is likely to cause a lot of serious problems shoud you fail to accept treatment, the same thing happens. In diabetics this leads to some very difficult problems, unless the right level of medication and correct diet is followed. Such a diagnosis means that all sugar laden foods are poison. There needs to be a supportive approach to anyone who has been given such a prognosis, not a criticism.
With mental illness this may be a very difficult road ahead for all involved. What the patient needs is a protective atmosphere, but which allows maximum freedom. Regardless of how effective any of the medications may seem they all have side effects which appear with prolonged use. What the patient needs is compassion, and the caregiver needs to learn about his/her own limitations and abilities so when the more extreme episodes appear, they may have the strength to survive.

Dear Dave, Today I got your first email, I signed up yesterday. My 20, almost 21 yr old daughter was diagnosed almost 2 years ago, pretty quickly as they had put her on an antidepressant and she had a “Psychotic Break” She’s been hospitalized 4 times and should be there now, but like her doctor and therapist think, she is near the end of a semester and really wants to finnish and have a sucess in her life. We are doing 24/7 monitoring and daily visits to the psych for med adjustments and labs. I do think she (And I a little) are still in denial, we want this to just go away! I plan to ask her more about denial when she’s on a more even keel. I can’t say she ever stayed stable very long, as soon as meds start working she has a side effect that requires a change.
I look forward to hearing more from you and learning all I can about this demon that took over her life.

I think people deny it also because when they are manic they feel great! Their own mind plays tricks on them. They think they can do anything! They sure can’t believe that they have a mental illness! When they are depressed it’s alot easier to admit they have a problem. This has been my experience with my husband who is bipolar.
Lots of props to you Dave for all your research and help. And for treating bipolar people with respect. Do you think it’s different for someone to support a bipolar child, than it is to support a bipolar spouse?

Dave, you are right. I don’t think there’s a single bipolar survivor out there who hasn’t been in denial at one time or another.

During my first hospitalization for “exhaustion,” I was told by the other “inmates” that once you had been treated in a “Psych ward,” you would forever be labeled “mentally ill.” I just KNEW I was on the ward because I was physically and emotionally EXHAUSTED, and NOT mentally ill. Well, I have one thing to say about that – “If you’re not ‘sick’ when you’re admitted to a mental ward, you’re sick once you get there!”

When I overheard some nurses/doctors talking about my case and the word, “schizophrenic” popped up – I was scared out of my wits…who, me? I had a high-end job, a man who loved me, a new apartment, and was SMART to boot. “Schizphrenics” are people who wander about, drooling in corners, and hearing voices and have “split personalities.” But you know what? As soon as I got that misdiagnosis, I started ACTING as if I WAS mentally ill…

It took seven months of hospitalization in two hospitals before the “powers that be” sent me home to my family. I felt betrayed; guilt, shame, anger, hurt – plain STUPID for allowing myself to get “sick.” But – and here’s the strange thing – my parents didn’t/couldn’t accept my diagnosis. I was NOT a “maniac;” I just made dumb choices, like sleeping around and taking, God forbid – marijuana! They believed that that was why I was “exhausted.”

My parents didn’t live long enough for the correct diagnosis of bipolar disorder. They never realized all the medications out there that can stabilize a bipolar, along with cognitive therapy and support groups. They were never given any HOPE of survival beyond the diagnosis.

My original psychiatrist gave a weekly seminar on bipolar disorder, in which he talked about the manifestations, the drug therapy, the genetics, the religiosity, the pan sexuality, etc. for loved ones of bipolars. He allowed me to sit in, along with my fiance’ at the time. I learned a LOT from that seminar, and was no longer AFRAID of my illness. Even though I HAD it, it was NOT going to beat me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still smart enough to know it can rear its ugly head when you least expect it, and wreak havoc on me and those around me. Sometimes, I even walk on my OWN eggshells, NOT to precipitate an episode. I’m in AWE of its power, and the strangle-hold it can put on my emotions/life. But – KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, and the more I learn about the illness, and the more I read David’s postings, the more able I am to recognize such things as triggers in time to get help if I need it.

Yes – it’s easy to be in denial of bipolar disorder – but NOT very healthy 😉

BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love them. My prayers are with you.

My heart is broken. First of all, I’ve been in a severe depressive episode for the last several months, barely able to function (can’t shower, can’t leave the house, sleep most of the time, thoughts of suicide). Then my 26 yr old son came up for Thanksgiving. I didn’t really want to celebrate the holiday, but now I had no choice. His (my son’s) behavior over the couple of days that he was here was outlandish. Angry outburts, complaining about things like the Christmas presents I give him every year (he told my sweetheart that some of them are stupid and get “lost on the way home”. I took a nap at the people’s house where we had dinner (hadn’t slept well the night before; anyway, I know these people, they’re like family and someone’s always napping); my son felt it necessary to apologize to the host because his mother was sleeping. He had never met them before. Just a lot of stuff like that. Anything seemed to make him angry, and he even insulted me; I had been nothing but kind to him. This was not the first time he’s behaved in an inappropriate way. I could give many many examples but this isn’t the place to go on and on. The point is that, when I spoke to my therapist on Mon. (and she has worked with me for 10 years and knows all about my family), she (my therapist) said she’s pretty sure that my son is bipolar. I feel so sad because I know exactly what he’s got ahead of him. I feel a little guilty because he got it from me, but then I got it from family members, and I don’t blame them; none of us ask to have this godawful disease. The problem is that my son’s father has always told the kids that there’s no such thing as mental illness, that people are responsible for their behavior, and Dr.’s and therapists are “crooks”, only in it for the money. My son has bought into this philosophy; he’s never accepted my diagnosis (though he should – he grew up with me). So I don’t think he’s likely to accept any diagnosis and I’m afraid that he’s unlikely to seek help. I feel heartbroken and powerless. He’s in college, and I don’t see him often. He won’t talk to me now (and I don’t understand why). I worry that he’ll really go into a full blown episode and be unable to finish his degree (one semester yet to go), or, worse, that he might harm himself. All of this is my worst nightmare. I would do literally anything if he could be relieved of this burden.
Sue

I understand that Carol would say he acts so crazy. I feel that way sometimes. I try to be supportive but for the past 2 years my husband has been on and off his medication before we got married 1and a half yrs ago he promised me that he would take it. I said please take whatever medication the doctor perscribes you because I love you and want to see you well and happy that is why I ask and reminded him in the beginning to take his medication. But as soon as we got married he pretty much stopped taking it. For a month or two he took it but not regularly so how could that really help him if its not even the correct dose and he takes it every other day or when ever!
It is hard to deal with when the person you love is either depressed and wont do anything complains about everything, says they are just not themselves, and suddenly you will see a glimps of the person you remember and know and then they go all mania on you scream,yell, (go what you feel is CRAZY)… my husband will suddenly be set off by something and will go ballistic. He will degrade our marriage, scream and cuss put me down and my 5 yr old daughter,he will destroy things and get violent. When you are caught up in all that especially in the moment you are being attacked it is hard to not feel like “I think he is crazy” I often feel like if he feels this way why are we together..then when he is done with his screaming for however long he will say sorry and not even remember half of the things he has done or said. I love my husband very much, he was my best friend and I have known him half my life and I am only 30yrs old. I knew he had depression when he was diagnosed back in 1998 he told me when we were only bestfriends I have always tried to be supportive I have always thought it’s just like any other illness not put anybody down for it. I have thought just take your medication, talk to a theripist if you need to and take care of yourself I never felt like it was something to be ashamed of. My husband thinks it is something to be ashamed of and hide and deny and thinks if I say please take you medicine, or you need to take your medicine because your having really bad mood swings and other signs I am seeing that I am putting him down. Sometimes I know people think that I am crazy and do not love myself and think I am so sad for staying with him. Sometimes I think I am crazy for staying with him and sticking by his side. I get “you must have a lot of patience”. But the thing is I am just holding on by strings. How much sympathy are you suppose to have if the person you love lies and tells you they are taking there medication but you know they are not and when you confront them they suddenly say they will not take it,nothing is wrong with them, they decided they dont have anything wrong with them, they dont like the way the drugs make them feel and they are not going to be a push over so “No, I will not take my medication!” What are you suppose to do then just sympathize with them forever? I really need to know because I dont know what to do. I keep saying well he is mentally ill this is why he is acting like this but What are you suppose to do if THEY will not get help just let the illness destroy everybody’s lives?

I am just trying to understand this. I was in a relationship for 6 months. We lived 2 hours away so it was kinda a long distance relationship. (Our work was the issue of being apart) We would talk just about every day. I went down and spent 3 days with him not long ago (well when he wasn’t working)which was a big deal and keep apolgizing for the interruptions and that he would make it up to me. During our 6 months – sometimes I would notice a mixed up highs and lows. Sometimes all over the place with his rapid talking and thoughts. I just played it off as being excited to see me or talk to me. Happy one moment sad the next, all within a same conversatoin. After the 3 days when I was there, I didn’t hear from him for a whole week. We had a great time talked about the holidays, etc. Never noticed a thing. I finally text messaged him and asked if he was okay – didn’t hear from him until the next day. He informed me that his job was stressing him, his father was very ill and would be passing away soon. Again nothing was ever said to me about his family. He stated that he couldn’t handle all the stress that he was dealing with and having a relationship. He told me he was sorry that he loved me and have a nice day basically. I haven’t heard a word from him since. I have tried to call and have left message but still have not heard a word. I have however, been in contact with other people that know him, and they are the ones that told me that he was bipolar for sometime now and is on meds. I couldn’t believe it. I never saw any signs at least when I was with him. I am heartbroken, emotionally a wreck, and hurt. This isn’t just a typical breakup there were no other signs. We got along great – We talked about the holidays and how we were going to spend them. I don’t know if this is a typical bipolar behavior. Again, I am just trying to understand his behavior and everything that goes with it. Any and all help is appreciated.

Dear Dave,
Im sorry but i disagree with you, my bipolar “Higher Power”! In order to keep my sanity , i have to step back and tell myself, she will not get better, she will not get better….like a mantra. I keep walking into the same hole, because for so many years i wanted to believe that she would be normal one day….that there would be a magic pill that would make her into the loveliest daughter…..no , its not true, it aint gonna happen, so dont go looking for it. It is what it is and go forward…Im not negetive about it, but i dont look for the pie in the sky anymore. This has helped me to accept that my life has to go on, and i dont have to do this hard work anymore. Ive made myself sick. Ive made myself broke. And i feel terrible in saying, it wouldnt have happened if i wasnt consumed by her and her kid and her “episodes”. You get pretty mad after a while. And with this there is no gratitude. so dont look for that either. It will only get you so depressed that you cant function anymore, and then, youre no use to them, and they mock you…..Im OUT ( i still pray to St Jude) 🙂

I grew up in a home with a bi polar parent. The only thing you can do with a manic is to take care of yourself first. As a child, many of our Christmases were ruled by the fear, and the lack of sleep….it never occurred to him that some of us were getting tired,,,particularly as he changed subject every five minutes, and thought that all his thoughts came from God. If you can, (and this may be difficult) get control of his business affairs, and credit cards. That is best done when he comes back to reality…and a big pile of debts. Part of the disease is that he also had times of depression,,,, that is when he really suffered, and when the bills started to come in.