Hi,
I am running late so I have to get going.
I am going hiking again today and I am not 100% sure where the place is so I will probably get lost.
Someone called me this morning to talk about bipolar disorder.
Which is why I am late today.
She was basically talking about how her loved one is always making mistakes. It was odd. She wanted her loved one to be perfect.
I’ve yet to meet an absolute perfectionist who was dealing with bipolar disorder and had a stress-free life, have you?
If you expect your loved one to be perfect, you’re going to be sadly disappointed.
However, if you’re willing to become accepting of your loved one’s imperfection, you will begin to notice that your stress will decrease, as will theirs as they see that you expect less of them.
The need for perfection and the desire for less stress conflict with each other.
Whenever we want things our way, or are too attached to having something a certain way – especially better than it is now (like our loved one before the bipolar disorder) – we’re engaged in a losing battle.
Instead of accepting what we have to accept now (accept things the way they are instead of the way we want them to be), which would lead to a more positive attitude, we’re still wanting perfection.
Learning to accept the diagnosis of bipolar disorder in your loved one is one of the big things I go over in my courses/systems:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
If, instead of being content and grateful for the life you have, in spite of the bipolar disorder, you’re focused on everything that’s wrong (a negative attitude), and your need to fix it, you’ll never get rid of your need for perfection, and you’ll never accept your loved one’s bipolar disorder.
Whether it’s related to ourselves (a scratch on our car, a messy closet, an imperfect task, being a few pounds overweight) or someone else’s imperfections (the way our loved one looks, behaves, or manages their disorder), the very act of focusing on imperfection causes unneeded stress.
A strategy for overcoming the need for perfection has nothing to do with wanting to do your very best but with being overly attached and with being focused on what’s wrong with life in general and your life in particular.
It’s about realizing that while there’s always a better way to do something, this doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy and appreciate the way things already are. The solution here is to catch yourself when you fall into your habit of insisting that things should be other than they are.
Try simply to remind yourself that though your loved one has bipolar disorder (and it is NOT your fault), that life is ok the way it is, right now.
Hey I have to run well actually hike. I will talk to you later.
David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.
Post responses below
Hi Dave,
Not only aren’t bipolar folks perfect but neither are “normal” or should I say those w/o bipolar perfect… nor should we expect that from any human being. Perfection is reserved to our creator …. but I am always interested to read and hear about how some folks expect their loved ones to be perfect. Thanks for your sharing and all that you do.
peace and many blessings,
Filiz
Thank you for the email this morning it made me feel good I am always trying to be perfect and expect things to be a certain way and then get mad because there not and then my whole day gets ruined but your email this morning helped me to see that it’s okay to be happy with the way things are at the moment I will definitely try to practice this today
Thank you
I am learning things I did not know thanks for all your work and e-mails
Im I right that ADD not treated can become Bipolar?
Louise
Although you’re saying this woman was expecting “perfection”, unless she too has bipolar – or maybe she IS the one with bipolar – it’s extremely difficult for me to believe that she was expecting “perfection”. When you live with someone with bipolar you’re forced to bend, you have no choice actually.
To say people should see things as “good” and be grateful for what you have in the context of bipolar disease is tricky – can set folks up unknowingly for co-dependency.
Realistic mindfulness is important in supporting a bipolar person, and being grateful can get the supporter going down the wrong path. Things are not “good” when you are a bipolar supporter. Things are tough, rough, sometimes dangerous. Things are not just pretty good, need a little attention here and there, and so supporters can then focus on perfection. Living the day-to-day with bipolar can hardly create a situation where a woman would expect her husband to be perfect.
Generalization regarding supporters’ experience is tricky too. For instance, living day-to-day with someone with bipolar is far different than living “away” from bipolar and watching it from a distance. A mom or dad with bipolar for an adult is much easier to “live” with on a day-to-day existence because there is separation of space. Living with a spouse or child or father or mother in the same house is a far different thing.
The day-to-day supporter is the one left with the responsibility to deal with the bigger picture. Pretty difficult to say to oneself “life is OK, right now” especially when you’re in crisis, or reminded of it.
Maybe further information on what you had in mind about being “grateful” …the how and when that is appropriate, would be helpful. It’s definitely important not to get caught up in the depressing aspect of bipolar, which is sometimes very hard not to do when you’re living with it day-in, day-out! Perhaps that’s what you were going for?!
We’ve got it backwards. I am the one who is bipolar. I am 54 but wasn’t diagnosed until I was 40 despite seeing multiple therapists.
I hate it, it aggravates my life, and I wish I normal like everyone else. I have been on Lithium and Lamictal for sometime but they don’t seem to be helping right now.
How do you accept what makes my feel “deficient” and not as good as everybody else?. I would like to be “acceptable” is my best description of how I feel.
The rest of what I what I wanted to say was I do have a great mother who is a strong support for me, but I really don’t discuss my disorder with anyone else.
Also, I am single and never married, and deliberately made the decision to remain so when I was diagnosed at 40. No one wants someone who is “deficient”. Now at times I wish I hadn’t done that, but at 54 I am too late.
At least I won’t scream at you. I just wanted to make a comment.
Dave,
Maybe I am off base but your thoughts brought up a thought i had about another idea. this is not related to bipolar at all and should be considered as such. This should be respected as such and not as a mask to bipolar. If one is clear about behaviour which is acceptable and not acceptable and a friend violates that trust then that can not be considered perfectionist. That can only be considered forwarned, and not bipolar at all. that is either sloppy or testing or disrespectful
behaviour on the part of that friend who exhibited that behaviour. Perhaps that was that friends way of sliding out of the relationship while being able to shift blame to the bipolar person. maybe he just wanted to see what would happen.
who knows. it has nothing to do with bipolar and everything to do with immaturity and irresponsibility and disrespect.
i totally agree with you. no one is perfect and i do not expect perfection from anyone. the problem comes in when the person suffering from bipolar expects perfection, with everything, from what you say, how you say it. to what you do etc. they have one mind set and for the light of day you cannot change that mind set. i think the majority of supporters do not expect perfection, because if we did we would not be with someone with an illness in the first place. i accept the way my loved one is but you cannot do anything when they don’t want to admit they are ill and when they are constantly blaming you, you start feeling like everything is your fault and extremely guilty for not being able to get through to them as all you want is for their happiness. i never used to be negative not in the slightest. i always believed in hope. that life is worth living. my friends always said i walked into a room and lit it up, as i had a certain something. i have become negative now because i am constantly fed with negativity. my spark has gone and anyway how do you retain positive feelings/spark when you are continuously put down especially by someone you love dearly and who is supposed to love you? its very difficult. i understand its the illness talking but it still takes it toll on the people around the bipolar sufferer. and especially if they refuse to even do anything about it.
a supporter eventually gets to a point that upon waking every morning, you are already on egg shells as you wonder what is going to happen to trigger the sufferer off, and you go to bed at night anticipating the next day. its difficult to retain your self worth and positivity, when screamed at constantly. we are all human and there comes a time in life when you have to draw the line for your own sanity. and thats the most difficult part because when is enough, enough? like how long is a piece of string?
i think this is a very debatable topic to say the least. will be interesting to see the feedback.
to the bipolar sufferers we as supporters fully understand and sympathize with you all living with this illness. to those of you receiving help and being treated, well done to you for realizing that there is a problem and dealing with it as best you know how. to those of you not receiving treatment or are not sure but are reading this, please please please, seek the help you need as you will make your life so much more worth living and your supporters will feel so much more worth something and less frustration and the constant asking of why in the back of their minds. remember we are as human as you, not just the preverbial punchbag.
Imperfection is not the issue except in the context that ,as a bipolar supporter, I am being accused of asking for perfection which is so far from the truth that I’d laugh ,if I could.Every day it feels like I’m pushing a rock uphill trying to get the finances straight, trying to find a decent doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist through medicaid and medicare–its a joke-decent housing a bigger joke–she has no ability at anytime to cooperate and will think I’m picking on her if I ask or even “suggest”–she has 2 small kids( the 8 year old , Ibelieve is headed for bi-polar. I,m going broke –her “ex” and his wife would love to sabotage the situation and use this as leverage to not help financially. The only thing she has are those kids and they don’t. Believe me there are many more dynamics to bipolar than just asking for “perfection” and I’ve spent a log time fighting for each step—–I feel lke I’m in the middle of “Alice in Wonderland”and I have my husband(herstepdad) to look out for –hes not well and her brothers kids were brought up by me as hes bipolar –they’re college age and doing well because I got them treatment as kids and their are zero problems with them but her illness and the inability to get help are “taking us all down” big time.If you have even a “pay for” web sight with “go to” suggestions for theses more compex issues and dynamics, that would be great.
When I was first hospitalized in 1966 for a nervous breakdown (later diagnosed as bipolar disorder), the psychiatrist said I was a “perfectionist!” I highlight that because I am the farthest from being a perfectionist than anybody! I am a hoarder, a pack rat, a clutterer – if you saw my apartment, you’d KNOW there’s not a need for perfection in my whole body!
The only reason I can give for that statement is – when Ii’m given a job to do – answering the MMPI, typing a letter, etc. – I do it quickly and thoroughly, and to the best of my ability. As far as “tasks” go, I DO try to be “perfect.”
I KNOW this is unreaslistic, and I’ve gotten in a lot of trouble trying to be that way. But – I was raised to do the best job I could when it was presented to me. I have since let up on myself a LOT, although tasks are still a “problem” for me. I set deadlines for myself; if I sleep in, I get mad at myself for losing costly time for running errands or straightening up my condo for a roommate.
Reading Dave’s email has made me realize I’m much TOO hard on myself; after all, NO ONE is perfect, or should be expected to be. There are always 24 hours in a day, and tomorrow, there will STILL be 24 hours to get done what needs to be done. After all, today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. I will start to “lighten up” on myself, and take one hour at a time…
May God bless all bipolar survivors and those who love us. Understanding and compassion should be the highlights of our days.
I think that when we expect a perfect world, if it’s from anybody, we set ourselves up for disappointment.
If we can learn to meet people where they are in their life (i.e., our children, spouse, friends, family members, like we expect them to accept us, then we will have balance and a better understanding in our overall relationship.
We have to first learn to handle constructive criticism, agree to disagree, and be assertive and not aggressive in our dealings with one another.
We must also, make a conscious effort to appreciate the person for who they are and not for whom we want or wish them to be.
I think that we all sometime try to compare other people experiences with our own and expect the same results if they are favorable to those we desire.
We live in a society where we are obsessed with what one dose instead of what one is. No one is perfect, at least not in my eyes. But, that don’t mean that we can work at it.
Being a perfectionist doesn’t make you better than anyone else, it just make other people feel that you think that what you do and how you view things are superior to what and how they do things.. It can really be a turn off or cause a lot of negative emotions.
Sometimes it’s better to just go with the natural flow and order of things rather than try to always improve on it just on general purpose.
Loving who you and loving the people around you for who they are will indeed make for simpler understanding of how we react to life scenarios and dilemmas.
Try to keep your head up to the sky when faced with difficulties. This too, shall pass.
God Bless
I have given up on hope or ‘perfection’ for the future. I am stressed to the max right now — I don’t think I can continue for much longer — I am trying oh so hard, but the odds are against me; actually, everything is against me. I am trying not to look past today, but realistically, I don’t even know if there will be a tomorrow.
I don’t feel this is me … but others feel so…. I married into a family that fits this mold to a T….. but they have me wearing this suit….. am wishing to be un-married to be rid of this rat race… but have nowhere to go…. and a short time to
reach there…. how do I reach them…. so I can breathe again…..
or is it me wearing the looking glass……
am hoping for a little direction here…… Mr.D….
Yep, it hard to tell the bipolar sufferer from the bipolar supporter after a while because the biplar supporter suffers more the bipolar sufferer because they (sufferer) know not what they do. It’s like that with Alzheimers, and other very serious diseases.
Mr. D. – me too, I married into a family which all suffer from bipolar – that was a total of 2 parents and 4 siblings, and it never got better, only got worse – I stuck it out for 30 years – they were all convinced they were normal, and tried to convince everyone around them that they were the ones with the problem. It wasn’t until things got extremely dangerous with the mom-in-law did I begin to realize what was going on. And many years of trying on my own to help my husband, who didn’t need my help, he needed the help of a professional, as my “professional” help (I’ve been in the health care profession for 20 years..) was rejected….You have to be very careful when your help becomes co-dependency….I wish I knew then what I know now – that’s why I try to help supporters. It’s a difficult dilemma when you love someone – here’s the rub …. there’s the guilt of leaving, the guilt they place on you, the anguish of not knowing what to do, and finally in the end, and maybe actually all the while your soul and life spirit are being stolen. Unless you have a parent with bipolar and you can separate your physical space, the day-to-day will affect your health and then you are no good for anyone.
If you feel you may be the one with bipolar and not them you will feel the need to control others, and things around you, you will feel so depressed at times that you stay in bed or can’t go to work, or can’t do the things you normally would have done. You’ll feel stress all the time and can’t relate it to some kind of tragic event.
If you feel like this, you should go see a doctor, because you may be bipolar. If it’s the other people in the family doing the above, then you need to get away to breathe as you say and they will no longer have you as an excuse for using you to wear their suits.
Good luck, keep in touch, and let us know how it comes out.
Wow Dave,
You really hit home today. I have been really kind of expecting too much of myself, and being a little hard on myself for not being the right weight, for not being able to manage money, to not be better at managing stress, but you know what your are right. There is nothing gained by my lack of acceptance. I have heard to accept more than you expect, but you kind of made it apply to bipolar. I will try to not be so hard on myself and slack up a bit. I am doing really good, it is all in how I look at it… indeed!
Bob
Cheryl’s so right. I was married for 27 years, and his family was full of MI
It nearly destroyed me. I had the guilt, etc when I filed for divorce, and although I still get sad a times, it’s the best decision I ever made. I live in a fairly praceful environment now. You have to have very broad shoulders to be a supporter, and then some. I wish the best to all survivors, and the ones who spport them.
I was feeling really ‘down’ today, worrying about the future and the current depressing financial, emotional and physical situations I am now in. I was so ready to think (again–as I very often do) to give up on everything, including life. But, then, I remembered the email a couple days ago when Dave said to not be stressed about tomorrow or I’d ruin today. Well, I did ruin today…it was really bad. But, I am thinking I should go into tomorrow with a different (positive) attitude. Maybe things will change for the better.
Good for YOU, TRIED THEM ALL!! After all is said and done, there is STILL hope!! After all, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. And keeping a positive attitude that “tomorrow may be better” is a HEALTHY one.
Say a prayer in the morning – it will start your day off right. May God bless you real good.
Dave,
Talk about perfect timing! My wife, who has a severe mental illness but refuses to admit it or get treatment demanded a divorce from me after 22 years (I have been getting treatment for major depression and bipolar for 11 years) because I do not measure up to her scale of perfection that she has been demanding from me for the entire length of our marriage. She informed of her demands 5 minutes before I received your email. I am totally alienated and hated by her entire family. We have 3 children, 2 boys that I adopted and 1 boy that we had together. In private conversations with me, all 3 of them have told me they think that their mother is crazy ( they are all grown). The pressure and stress from her incessant demands have driven me to 3 suicide attempts and 6 psychiatric hospitalizations. I am incapable of thinking of myself as good in any way and could not possibly have a lower self esteem, which I know is not her problem, but all I ever hear from her are put downs. She never defends me from attacks from her children that she had before we got married even though I always defend her from the same stuff. Oh well, today is shot to hell.
Thanks, SUZANNE. I appreciate your prayers and kindness. I’ve had a real rough several years…and it is just getting so much worse. I have been trying everything I know to make things better now, but I have an uphill battle now. It is not easy, at all. I have to fight depression because it brings me down to a place where I can’t get up. Everything is so unstable and uncertain; I am terrified of what could happen. I do need to take things day by day, otherwise, I can’t get through it.
As a supporter to a partner with bipolar I am well aware that we can be very happy despite things not being “perfect”. There was another message you sent a while ago along very similar lines about lowering expectations which I found really useful. My bipolar partner doesn’t always find it very easy to lower HIS expections and not want perfection from everyone else, even though he knows he isn’t perfect himself!! If he slips up he blames his condition and expects everyone to let it pass. If I slip up it is a monumental disaster and he is very unforgiving, until he has had time to think and realised that I am only human too.
Cheryl you are a woman of wise words. you just said everything i was trying to. thank you and may you all have a good day.
I want to say Amen to Chontel and Cheryl’s comments. I know the feelings of guilt from the demands of living with a bipolar person.
i spoke to a lady the other day. just general stuff. she said now days with all the stresses in life dont ever wear a hat that does not fit you. think about that for a while.
Thank you for this e mail Dave. No one is perfect,and I’m beginning to be more patient with my bipolar partner. Thank you so much for all of your articles, I greatly appreciate them.
I appreciate everyone’s response regarding my situation and Dave’s response. Please be assured. I accept my partner unconditionally. I do not expect perfection from him. Since the beginning of our relationship, however, he frequently will focus on matters (both of character and in my life) that he feels need to be changed. I’ve stepped back from our relationship as I realize this is not supportive of me, personally, and to some extent, his disapproval sometimes can be abusive. Many times it is disproportionate to the matter or he projects his own feelings upon the situation. When I’m working for several days in a row, sometimes, I eat off paper plates and on the run, I don’t always tidy up, but I accomplish what is urgent and important. After traveling for several days in my car, I may have items still in the car which haven’t been unpacked, waiting until I have help or time to do so. I may have paper and clutter in the car which hasn’t been removed. A typical response would be to understand that things get taken care of in due time. My partner’s response is very critical of the “mess” or his being subjected to my schedules. My career is very different than his and does not follow the same structure or schedule. However, I am willing to make these accommodations for him. I don’t expect perfection at all from someone I care so much about. He has been very offensive and abrupt and just downright mean in situations where I am left in tears and emotionally confused. I felt much better about pursuing the relationship and growing closer, even merging parts of our lives, when he shared with me about his condition and that he had not been on medication when he behaved in this manner. After this, my focus was to understand and watch closely his reactions, to try to conform to his lifestyle and change some conditions of mine which would allow him to feel as though he is not being challenged. As well as, to maintain boundaries which could lead me to become co-dependent. I love him. My first encounter with him and my focus is on how much I admire his strengths and his character. I do feel however that there are times when he becomes impulsive and this impulsive action places me, as either in a compromising position or even a dangerous situation. I’ve learned to move with the highs and lows and the ebb and flow. I feel this is instinctive in seeking a healthy relationship with someone you love, with or without being bipolar. His opposition at time to my stepping back, despite trying to reassure him that my feelings haven’t changed for him, create impulsive and unpredictable behaviour on his part. Yes, some of it is abusive, like accusing me of attending a party without him when I was changed my mind to go home and sleep at home. He arrived at my apartment before I did, dumped wet and soapy clothing which were being washed on my doorstep, plus other items from my wardrobe outside my apartment door. I was stunned. This last time he created a “swinger’s” profile for us as a couple, which I agreed to, but he posted all my photographs which are very appropriate, used my professional name and image to endorse the website, then, abruptly locked me out of the system by changing the password and email for the site. Later, I learned he had added very inappropriate photographs of extreme sexual activity to my pictures. Of course, my sponsors and the website would not allow him to do this and immediately intervened on my behalf. Now, I recognize this is influenced by being bipolar, but it’s also influenced by his attitude of subjecting me to abuse and I’ve been advised here at this site that this is not typical behaviour for persons with bipolar disorder or other types of mental illness. He may simply be a person who is possessive, controlling, abusive and deceptive. Nevertheless, though this was a difficult situation I am willing to understand his actions. My personal safety becomes compromised when, knowing he has a handgun, I recognize and become fearful that he may become impulsive enough to use it. At this point, I asked him to give each other time. Again, I reassured him of my love and my feelings for him. And, I asked him to take time to get his emotions under control. Dave, I don’t expect perfection from him. I’ve watched him struggle and sincerely I don’t feel he has an abusive nature or is a batterer. I feel he struggles with a stressful emotional medical condition. It’s not very different than when my daughter, who is insulin-dependent and 20, becomes oppositional when her blood sugar is very high. She stabilizes and her behaviour changes, as well. I learned to separate her condition from the beautiful person my daughter is. He stabilizes too, and becomes the person I know and love. For the moment, it’s very confusing and distressing. And, in some respects, I agree with you. I provide counseling and advocacy for parents whose children have newly diagnosed learning and behavioural disabilities. The first time I consult with them they often are anxious to know how to work on changing their child. I take a deep breath and smile at them as we begin to discuss how they, as parents, are going to take the first steps toward changing themselves. I feel I’m in a similar situation. I can make a conscious choice to change, or simply walk away from the whole situation. I don’t think walking away is the right decision.
Hello David:
I think yours is an excellent advice. It is very difficult to brake with our habits, specially when we are no young anymore, like me. Coming from, no only different times, but a different culture, make the things worst. But nobody said you can not change. That is what I did after my little daughter died, and she is dead and I can not do nothing about that,and all the regrets,sorrow and the pain of her loss will not bring her back.Now, my older daughter is bipolar and, I am just happy that she is alive. Accepting that perfection is really only in our minds, because nothing is perfect in this life, and accepting that we do not only make our life more difficult pushing for that estate, but we make the people living around us lives more difficult too. Sometimes something so horrible, so tragic has to happen in our life for us to see things clearly.
Sincerely yours,
isolina collazos
Hello, I understand no one is perfect….I never exspect anything from anyone, or exspect things done perfect….I do believe once your loved one is an adult and they are exspecting so much from you that they are able to do, that is just impossible…When they are thinking they own you that is not right, when they are abbusive that is unacceptable, all these things drove me to have a nervous breakdown…Al-anon has helped me realize alot of things that were driven into me growing up…..I believe if one doesn’t take care of their sickness and trusts in their loved ones that they need some help at that time, when my son was escorted out of the house because of his abbuse toward my house and me, he was asked if he needed to go to the hospital, he refused…he has no insurance, no job, and he could of had his hospital bills taken care of because of that….he was drinking all night at a friends, he came home and just flipped out….
My son was living with me and he was just out of control, he was’nt taking his meds. wasn’t co-operating with anyone that was in his life to help him….he was getting very abbusive toward me, It drove me to have a nervous breakdown….
I love my son very much, I’ve helped him to get help and he has gotten into programs to help him, but he would do things when he felt like it, one with any kind of mental illness cannot drink, it just works against their meds. and messes with their emotions…furthermore abbussing alcohol is not healthy for anyone…..It’s just a way of numbing ones pain….
I love my son but I can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped….Sue
Hi Dave,
Thank you for your constant encouragement! I try to have a positive attitude, but sometimes you feel like you’re in it alone when your loved one just won’t follow the tools given. I will never give up on my daughter she is in the hospitan right now it’s hard, but I will contine to be strong even when sometimes there seems to be no glimmer of hope. Thank you for all your e-mails and words of encouragement.