==>>Help with ALL aspects of bipolar disorder<<==
Check out all my resources, programs and information
for all aspects of bipolar disorder by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
Hi,
What’s new?
It’s funny. I got a call on my
cell phone from someone that found
it on a note in a room somewhere
in Indiana. I have never been
there. I think people like giving
out my cell phone number:)
The person said, “Hey is this
David Oliver?” I said “yes”,
the person said, “oh I know
you get a lot of calls, I just
wanted to see if this was really
you, have fun today.”
Then the person hung up. It was
kind of funny.
Well today is Wednesday and it’s
the middle of the week. Close to
the weekend.
Yesterday, I got an email from
someone that said the following:
“David, I am really down today.
I am not sure you will read this.
My Daughter who is 39 has
bipolar disorder and it’s a total
nightmare. She doesn’t think that
she has anything. She won’t take
medication. She doesn’t go to the
doctor. She has borrowed tons of
money. She has taken money from
us and used our c.redit cards…
This has been going on for years.
I found your site and just ordered
your Bipolar Supporter Course
the other day but I must say I am
really down.
I am depressed everyday. Ever since
she became bipolar, my wife and my
life has been turned up side down.
Nothing is going write for us. We
are going to go to the doctor because
we are so depressed. I need help and
I hope you can help us. We are worried
all the time. I only sleep a few hours.
I can’t wait to go through your course
when it gets here.”
-Frank
=======================
First let me say, Frank my heart
goes out to you. I know how tough it
is. I know what it feels like to feel
down because of a loved one’s bipolar
disorder is out of control.
I am going to share one system that I use
when I am feeling down. It’s really simple
but it’s powerful.
I call it the “what’s going well list.”
Many times when you are supporting a loved
one with bipolar disorder, things are
going really, really badly.
Your loved one isn’t well, you can’t find
a doctor or therapist, there are lots of
de.bts that must be paid.
You start spending tons of m.oney
to help your loved one. Friends get
mad you don’t’ talk to them anymore.
Work pressure starts to increase.
You start to have more problems with
just about everything. If there was
a bad time for things to go wrong,
it’s this time and guess what? More
more and more things start going
wrong in your life.
You start to feel that you loved one’s
bipolar disorder has almost made you
into a magnet for all kinds of problems.
You experience anxiety, worry,
guilt. It becomes hard to eat, sleep
and think. You start to get run
down. You either lose a ton of weight
or you gain a ton of weight from eating
lots of bad foods. You feel terrible.
Does that sound like you? If so, I have
a technique for you.
When you are feeling like this, one thing
you can do is make the what’s going well
list.
What is this?
Well this is a list of things that are going
well in your life.
Actually, there is a person who filled
out my f.ree consultation in my courses below:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
and was really down.
I asked her if I could relay what
we talked about over the phone
but not use her name. She agreed.
Okay so she was down. I told her
about the “what’s going well list”
concept.
She said immediately NOTHING!
She told me how bipolar disorder had
totally destroyed her life and nothing
was going well. And worst of all,
her son wasn’t totally stable yet.
Before I asked her some questions, I reminded
her that I wasn’t a doctor, therapist, attorney
or any other kind of professional so she
was clear.
Then we got to talking and I asked
her lots of questions. She has a lot
going well.
Here are some of the things from my
notes:
1. She is fairly healthy.
Many people are not healthy.
2. She can think well
Many people can’t think.
3. She has a car
Some people don’t have a car.
4. She is able to take time off to help
her loved one with bipolar disorder.
Many don’t have the ability to do this.
5. Her church is very supportive
This is another area of support
some don’t have.
6. She found me and my information has
helped her
Millions of people sit at home
trying to help a loved one with bipolar
and do it all by themselves. They don’t
know people like me exist.
7. She is still married and her husband
is supportive of all the efforts.
Many marriages end because of
bipolar disorder.
8. She knows how to find a good doctor
by following my system in my bipolar
supporter course.
Tons of people can’t find a doctor
or therapist and don’t know how to keep
them on track.
9. She knows how to find a good therapist
for the same reason above.
10. She knows how to handle her de.bt from
her loved one.
Many people have de.bt because of bipolar
disorder and have no idea how to handle it.
11. She has people praying for her on
a daily basis
Not everyone has this going for them.
12. She has a computer and knows how to
use it well and is keeping a journal
on her loved one.
I get calls from people all the time
who can’t use a computer to help a loved
one with bipolar disorder.
13. She has another daughter who doesn’t
have bipolar disorder that recently had
a kid and everything is going well.
More great news.
14. She has a dog and cat and she
loves them very much and they are healthy.
More great news.
15. She feels the doctor really knows bipolar
disorder well and did contact her through
my doctor finding system. She also said
the doctor understood the deal with bipolar
disorder and how a person who is not well
can manipulate the system.
This is great. Many people have doctors
that do not understand this at all. This is
a major accomplishment to locate such a doctor.
so on and so forth.
I wrote a little comment under each entry
to help you see how she should see it and
why it’s positive.
She came up with maybe 40 things that are
going okay to well. Afterwards, she felt
much better and less depressed.
I told her to rewrite the list and read
it before bed and when she rises each morning.
I also told her to keep a copy with her
and read it when she feels down from
bipolar disorder.
She agreed.
I also told her to add to the list as more
good things start to happen and to NOT
forget about the little things.
Sometimes we overlook the little things
which really turn into bigger things down
the road with bipolar disorder.
Why does this happen?
Sometimes when supporting someone
with bipolar disorder we get so close
and caught up with it, it starts to
cloud our vision and we start thinking
doom and gloom dark depressing thoughts.
I have taken a whole lot of phone calls
from people over the years. TONS for
NON medical and non legal questions
because I am not a doctor, therapist
or lawyer.
During that time, I have heard people
tell me that NOTHING is going right
and there is no hope. After they get done
with me, we together find lots of things
that are going well.
It’s a matter of just remembering them
and looking for them.
I really like this technique and it’s one
of the things that kept me going through
those super difficult times.
If anyone has tried this technique, please
post so others can read it.
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Don’t forget to take a look through the
different programs I’ve put together… each one is designed
to help you with a different area of bipolar disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/catalog.asp
P.P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
great techniques expressed. I’ve actually used some of them and they really do help. I used to struggle with panic attacks about this as a supporter – still do – but I try to counter them by thinking of what is ok right now rather than worrying about what the next hour might bring. Thanks David.
What you have said is so true. You have to look on the bright side and believe it or not there always is a bright side and something to be thankful for. If my sister’s illness did not surface when it did, my daughter could have gone untreated for years. I am aware now and I am much more capable of handling the issues they face. I will find the answers.
Hi Dave,
I myself was feeling really down this morning and checked my e-mail and read your thaughts for the day. I think this is a really good idea to write down whats good in your life. I started thinking of the little things and I feel a little better already,thanks. Question-in your experience with bipolar people do you know if a lot of times if they have trouble getting themselves out of the house and try to make friends or associates and have a lot of trouble with that somehow they always feel left out or not in sinc with others?
I agree with your techniques for seing the real picture of all the things that are going well within your life, but does that really make the depression go away?
I have a 9 year old son with Bi-polar and ADHD. A Boyfriend (My son’s Dad) that also has Bi-polar. Most situations at home are soo overwhelming because I have to work with the two of them and to me it feels as if it never ends and the only serenity time I get is when I am sleeping. Is there specific Therapist who deal with the ones who help those with Bi-polar issues that can help guide you too to be happy and keep continuing so that you can support you loved ones in the right way. I honestly feel I am about to give up and throw in the towel , becuase I cannot seem to help either of them anymore.
Tracy
Dear Dave,
Thank you for the advice in your column. I, myself, have a 9 year old stepson with bipolar along with ADD/ADHD. His real mother was also bipolar along with having multiple personality disorder and schizophrenia (not exactly a wonderful combination). After my stepson was diagnosed with Bipolar, he was taken off his ADD/ADHD medication (Concerta and Strattera) and placed on two other types of medication (once in the morning and once in the evening). He has been on this new medication for the past two months without much change in his mood swings. Much of the past several months he has been in a depressive state of mind. When he does have his up days, he tries to display adult-like actions (normally on me) and he has been told several times that this type of behvaior is not acceptable and I have also explained to him why. Has not done much good and he immediately becomes depressed again. He has also displayed during his depressive state that he wishes he was dead and he attempted to hang himself with his own belt a couple of weeks ago because he thought it would be fun. I am getting to the point of where I no longer know what to do or what to say to help him. I am hoping that this Web site can assist me with managing the tasks at hand. Thank you and I hope that someone can offer me some very good advice.
Thank you,
Jennifer
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!! I have been seeing a man since May of this year and have fallen in love with him. He tells me how much he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, how much I mean to him. From the start I knew something wasn’t exactly “right” and things don’t make sense. He recently told me he thinks he is bipolar and has asked me to help him get medical help. I am torn because I am a good person who I know deserves the best because I give the best I can and have so much love to give. i believe in my heart he does love me and wants me in his life, but it is hard to know what is the absolute truth. He looks me square in the eyes and swears God has chosen me for him and he would do anything in this world to have me. Here is my question and I am sure you will hesitate to answer (I probably would not knowing all the details)…do I give up on him like everyone else in his life and move on to a better life for myself? or do I follow my heart and love him and work through this with him? I realize the rough road ahead. I am terribly torn and need experienced advice. I cannot afford your courses right now, but it is the first thing I will do when I am able. I just need direction and a good doctor – there is a desperate shortage of dr. specializing in BPD in this area. PLEASE, please, please help me! Thank you!
Ah in Japan we call this UTSU-BYOU. age 50 people tends to be this sickness. Ya, this is brain’s matter. I heard exercise , talking and honer ourself good way to be well.
How about listening music? for example the music we listen in childhood? Or, Morzalt?
Good Morning Dave, and thanks for this email. It was what I needed this morning and it really hit home. My daughter is 29 and I feel as though I have lost her. I don’t know alot about bipolar, but from what I have read, it describes my daughter. Thanks for the uplift this morning, i needed it today.
I’ve used a similar technique that I learned in the mid-80s when depressed from indecision and problems.
One can only leverage “what’s going right.” That is, you can not drive a car two miles forward up a hill without gas, but you can walk two miles in any direction if you really need to get someplace. By concentrating on “what’s right” and “what’s available,” we find the tools needed to get on with our lives.
A lot of people thrive on becoming experts on their problems. Their expertise actually makes their problems worse by magnifying every detail.
By acknowledging “what’s going right,” we tend to look for more that confirm our observations. Those who collect a litany of “what’s going wrong” do the same thing. The first group finds tools and techniques to get ahead and the second, the tools to stay in place or go backwards.
Note that “what’s going right” has *nothing* to do with mindless positive thinking or a happy face on a bad situation. The technique is used for every successful undertaking and provides the map required to get ahead.
I have a mildly complex system for getting myself out of periodically arising troubling issues. At minimum, however, David’s advice to list all the resources in your life that are complete, strong, and available should be enough to jolt you ahead.
I addition to David’s suggestion, make additional lists, including those that bullet-point what you enjoy, what you seek, and what you’ll do when it’s found. Note that if you do not know where you are going, you won’t recognize when you arrive . . .
Hi David! I have bipolar and the list you suggested made my cry. I have to do that for my life, because it seems that nothing is going well for me lately. I have several physical ailments as well as bipolar and anxiety. I have a question that I hope you have the time to answer. How do I get my husband to try to understand bipolar a little more? I had a particularly bad episode a few days ago. Sometimes my mania turns into crazy anger, and this was one of those times. He sat there and laughed at me until I finally left the house. I had tried going into our bedroom to get away from him, but I could still here him laughing at me, even as I cried. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t live with him thinking this is some collosal joke. He has told me that “I can’t get through the day without some kind of pills.” Which is true, I AM SICK!!!! How do I try to get it through his thick skull? If I tell him anything he doesn’t believe me and he won’t go to the doctor with me so……I’m at a loss of what else I can do. Any suggestions?
Thank you.
Katie Taflinger
I want to echo Dawn Erwin’s question.- “do I give up on him like everyone else in his life and move on to a better life for myself? or do I follow my heart and love him and work through this with him?”
Dear David,
I am the one with bipolar disorder in this instance that needs help from you to see if there really is something good in my life,such as my son. My life is spirraling out of control and everything around me feels unreal. I recently was diagnosed with BP in 2006 which cost me my job due to numerous hospitalizations. My husband is so cold, uncaring and recently said to me that he can’t love me when I am like this, unproductive in society and so on. He is emotionally abusive which I internalize as I am not worthy of love. He is controlling, but takes care of me because I am a burden to him. I feel empty inside. First I become very angry with him for not understanding, which turns to severe depression and ultimately to suicide attempts. Most recent was almost fatal. I have NOTHING left except for my bipolar illness, the symptoms and disgrace. Last night I tried to get him to say how he feels about me and when he couldn’t say he loved me, and then said he cannot pretend if it’s not there. This devastated me although I couldn’t even cry. I can’t afford to leave him and my disability hearing is not scheduled yet. I follow my doctor’s orders and take all meds as prescribed, attend all appts, see a therapist once a week and even see a marriage counselor once or twice a month. NOTHING helps and I feel even more depressed and don’t find anything worth living except for hanging in there for my son. Sometimes it would be much easier for me to just forget about it all and end all this pain, but something inside always seems to stop me from committing suicide. I know that my darkest days are soon approaching and I don’t know what else I can do. So YOU see even when a person with bipolar follows all advice it is not enough. What more can I do.
Thanks for listening, and please try to email if possible. I really need someone to help me.
Some days I feel depressed because not only does my husband have bipolar, I do too and its difficult to deal with mine and his. If you have any suggestions on how to do this I’m open. thanks
I just want to describe a relationship I had with my lover, who was paranoid schizophrenic, and me being bipolar. To Dawn Ervin – if you truly LOVE him, I would suggest you STAY. I was with Rene’ for three years, and our live-in relationship was GREAT. We were both on disability, so had no real responsibilities. He had a couple relapses, one which sent him to the State Mental Hospital for two months, but he came back to me.
Although his behavior caused three tenants of my apartment house to leave, I was always able to fill the apartments after they left. He had a creative, loving attitude toward life, although some of his thoughts were delusional (as well as some of mine). It was like living in a fairy tale.
The only reason I left him was another man came into my life who was stable. He was the Executive Director of a government office, and could provide me with a “normal” life. It was heartbreaking to leave Rene’ – one night, I cried for 7 hours until dawn, just listening to the love songs on the radio and thinking about him.
I eventually married Temple, but five years later, he died suddenly of a heart attack at 35. I had told Rene’ that if, in five years, I was divorced or something happened to Temple – I would come back for him. As luck would have it, he had died, too, of carbon monoxide poisoning in his apartment (at age 35).
So – in the end, I lost my fairy-tale romance, as well as my stable marriage. In spite of all the ups and downs of my relationship with Rene’, I would have preferred to stay with him. I don’t think I have loved, or will love, anyone as much as I loved him. As I told my therapist – “I need my daily dose of Rene'”. I was emotionally addicted to him.
This is just a story of what I went through with loving someone with a mental illness. You have to decide for yourself if all the uncertainty of his illness, and whether you can live/love with it, will be worth it in the end. LOVE is a very funny thing – it can be felt in the BLOOD and there’s nothing you can do to survive it except to give it…
BIG HUGS to all bipolar sufferers and the supporters of those who love them. God loves you, and so do I.
Yes it is really helpful to be reminded of all the things that are going well – all the things to be grateful for.
Yes it is very hard to see that these good things do exist when you are feeling very low. At these times the reminders may take a little longer to get through and it is important not to overdo it all at once because some people get extremely low self-esteem and it may feed ointo their guilt factors if they are made to feel that they are not being appreciative.
There are ways though. It can help to raise the serotonin levels through exercise, getting out doors can bring other benefits and a greater since of appreciation if the person is confident enough to go outdoors.
The is a video available online of the ‘gratitude dance’ that I’d recommend. Its fun to watch and better still if you can join in.
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2007/09/29/do-the-gratitude-dance.aspx
Hope you like it.
my husband walked out on me in jan just a few days after my birthday and 2 weeks after getting on antidpressants for clinical depression for 3 months previous to that I saw 2 personalities in him, i saw the highs of mania and the lows of not being able to get out of bed we were married for only one year but were together for 7 i didnt know what was wrong with him i mean i knew he was depressed but i think now from everything I have read that he is bipolar and looking back over our seven years i do see signs the financial-always getting into debt, drinking, avoiding friendships, working all the time and irriatible moods i just thought it was normal it was just who he was but after we got married it just escalated the lying, staying out all hours, another women and so on unfortunately we are separated and are going to be divorcing soon. He has a new girlfriend he lives with. I feel tremendous guilt for not knowing or doing enough and i blame myself. The what ifs are huge for me. He is a very successful person with his own business and does very well for himself he did in the end blame me that is why he walked out know one knows the pain of that moment unless you have lived it yourself and i hope he does get help but he refuses to believe that anything is wrong and the antidepressants were temporary because of me.. I still believe he is bipolar and so do many of my family members and friends i even told him that but he got defensive. We have not spoke now for 4 months it is just easier for me to heal that way so I have no idea how he is doing. I just wanted people who read this to know how important it is to get help and couselling it could save your marriage hopefully.
with the “whats going well list”, how can that work if your so far gone in your bipolar. it may work for the moment but then what happens that next day. for a person like me it is very hard to stay w/something. there are so many things wrong w/me. it makes it so much harder when you have 4 small children, your mood is out of control, you feel like u want to have a break-down and yet you have been off meds for three years.
i know i need meds. but finding a dr. , that you like and that can really help is hard. espeacially when you cant afford to go to the dr. let alone any meds.
thanks for listening. there is so much more.-JAM
it is so much easier said then done. i was told years ago that it would TAKE me at least 4 years of counseling to help. well i did a few months. i am learning to understand bipolar more. but my head can twist things up so bad its hard to tell what is what anymore. i have no friends. dont really want any either. i stay at home all the time. i only leave when i have too. my mind races so much and so fast i cant even keep up. but finding a med that would help seems difficult.i have tryed several over the last ten years. it takes awhile to see if that med is even helping. then with the cost of them who can afford to try and get better. i am so funny with my disease becuase yet at times i am a penny pincher. ill stay sick for a month or two before ill go to the dr. becuase it cost too much. now i dont have ins., except for medicare, but they do not pay for much. it seems like no matter what kind of ins. you may have, you might be able to pay the ins., but go to the dr. or get meds is impossible.then they will give you a presciption and you cant afford it. i used to say that i hated the world, since i was 11, but over the last few years i realized it wasnt the world i hate, it was the people in it.
my mother has bipolar. but does not recognize warning signs or anything. i have tryed to help her. but thats a whole nother story. sometimes its so much easier to see other peoples probs. and not your own. bipolar has effect every part of my life. i had an episode yesterday, in which i dont understand how a disease can make you give up everything in an instant. at times i feel like giving up my kids, husband, house, you name it everything, and just take off. be a bumb. i dont know. i have a good life, now, my husband is wonderful to me and the kids. i know im the problem. thats why id rather be around nobody so there wont be a problem. then everyone would be happy.
well untill the next moment of my bipolar. JAM