I have been dating a guy who has bipolar disorder for about 7 months. How do you know if your personality is the right personality as a supporter for the person with bipolar disorder?

I too live several hours away from my daughter who has been diagnosed with bipolar. We have been estranged for a couple of years now ever since I wrote to her and told her that she needed to get help or she risked losing her children. She is also on pain meds for a kidney condition as well as her bipolar meds.

Now she tells everyone that I am trying to take her children away from her and that I think she is a bad mother, a bad person and a bad wife. Her husband, unfortunately believes this lie and thinks that I also hate him.

This is just one example of the “lies” that she tells. As I learn more about her disorder, I begin to see that it isn’t so much a lie, as how she perceives what is really happening.

Thank you David for your website and your daily blogs. I learn so much, every day, about this disorder and it helps me to try and not take things personally.

Natalie

I am going through a situation with my hubby. He is the one with bipolar, and I stuck by him and tried to do almost everything to help him stay under control. Now he is telling everyone that I am a terrible wife that is ashamed of him and that he is going to divorce me. As if I am the one who has done things to him and that its all my fault. And to a certain degree I feel responsable for his reactions towards me because when he insulted me or did terrible things I knew he was sick and I still got upset. I seem to feel wrong for even having feeling in this marriage. It’s like when I get upset the whole thing becomes my fault. Because I should do better knowing that he is not in his right mind. I feel guilty for being sensative about what he says and does. Can someone give me some help about this?

Dave is right the Bipolar individual may not be lying when they tell their untrue stories. Every summer my ex-wife has an episode, and starts to engage in what I call the 90-10 lie. Basically this is 10% truth 90% falsehood. As an example she is now claiming she has been run off the road by one of my friends. this is the 90% falsehood, the 10% truth is that I was almost run off the road by one of her friends. She has in the past told me I was stalking her, but as it turns out she was having me followed and was following me herself. Rather than argue with her I simply wait and listen and collect information. It does not take long before her “lies” add up and start to contradict themselves and I can figure out the truth. The issue is that when she starts to ” lie” she is toltally believable because to her she is telling the “truth”. I even believe her at times, keep in mind I was a jail guard for almost 10 years it is very hard to lie to me but she manages. Between her belief in what she is saying and the fact that the stories have small truth to them (usually the story is true but borrowed from someone else) she is very convincing for a while. BUt those that pay attention will figure out she is lying. I have learned to protect myself from her stories, and to not take them personally. In case you wonder why I still have anything to do with her, we have 2 kids, and for their sake I do what I can.

What a GOD send ! THANK YOU THANK THANK YOU DAVE! Of late, I have been hearing stories with my siblings, THINGS THAT NEVER EVER TOOK PLACE IN OUR LIVES!After reading, (BIPOLAR LIE)I was just of late hearing differant stories, & I was like PHEwwwwWWW, I HAVEN’T, LOST IT ALL AFTER ALL! You will be blessed 100% fold..why..HONORING YOUR MOTHER!:-)I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR E-MAILs..& the wisdom you have gained, through your journey of life. Keep on keepen on Dave, you are a GOOD MESSENGER!People do perish for the lack of knowledge, you think? Again, thank YOU Dave! Have a blessed day. Sincerely, ladyinred54

This will not be a hate email. I just want to thank you for all that you do. My 13-yr-old son spent this past summer in the State Hospital and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I wish that I had the money for your course, but I am finding useful info here. I’ve GOT to find a therapist and psychiatrist that know and understand about bipolar. We are having a lot of trouble with getting the medications right. He also has ADHD. Anyway, thank you for everything that you do!

I never think of it as lying. I know when my daughter is in an episode she’s confused and scared. When she’s in an episode, one of her symptoms has been being paranoid of her father. There’s no basis in reality for that fear. When she stabilizes, it really makes her mad that she gets afraid of her own father. She’s told police, hospital employees, friends, and people at church all kinds of things about her dad when she’s in an episode, including he was going to kill her. When she gets like that though, she’s so bad that with few exceptions nobody has ever believed her. It’s so clear from looking at her or listening to her that something’s wrong with her. In that respect I think we’ve been lucky. When she’s in an episode she’s paranoid, psychotic and delusional and obviously needing help. It’s been 3 1/2 years since her first major episode and she’s now in the acceptance stage of this disorder, meaning she’s taking her meds without argument and just started therapy to help her deal with daily stressors and deal with the fact that she has what is considered a mental illness. She’d be offended if someone said she lies when she’s in an episode. A lie is a purposeful misrepresentation of the truth. I’m just so proud of her. She’s been through more in her 22 years than I’ve been through in my 52 years. I can’t even imagine being locked up in a mental facility and she’s had to endure that twice.

I am the wife of a bi polar man. He was diagnosed 5 years ago. In the past 4 years he has left our home twice and rented an apartment and has kicked me out once. With each time he has had one of his manias he goes about telling lies about me to all our loved ones so as to make it look as if I am the bad guy. He was on his meds. for a year out of the 4 and we were best friends. Once he went off his meds. everything started to spiral again and he has been in and out of manias for over a year now. He is now in his own apartment and blaming me for everything and saying he doesn’t love me again. He totally refuses to go back on his meds. as he says he can’t afford to. The truth is he would refuse if he could afford to get them. He has no insurance. I am afraid this time that I might have lost him for good. Anyone out there have any suggestions? We have been married for 28years. I also suspect he might be going through male menapause as with each time he leaves he finds him a real young girlfriend. :{
Thanks for any help out there.

My husband to be (I think) had a serious episode a few months ago and still is. There were great things happening to him, that were not a lie but he always find a way to twist things and make them bigger than they were that turn out to be lies. Therefore, no one believed him when he was saying the truth. It’s like the boy and wolf story. Today he’s hospitalized, and hopefully take him home again.

Thanks for this email, Dave.

Tony

I will try to not make this too long, because i can honestly write a book as to what our family has expereinced, and still going through, first of all our entire family has fallen apart due to a niece (my brother’s daughter) who has BP, she is also drug addicted, started with pain meds, because she had every illness you can imagine,than she added in street drugs, she has been incarcerated 2 times, (never for drugs), which to date has me totally upset with the justice system, they are well aware, and turn thier heads, you see she lies so well, she even fools them, and here you have a family that was in favor of her getting arrested for drugs,we have begged them for help, than we could have had treatment court mandated, not saying it would have worked, but hey it was worth a try, so in the mean time, she has destroyed so many life’s,andmade the family look like we were the crack pots, she has lost her daughter to her ex husband, has everyone in the family against one another, to a point we are all staying away from one another, you see..i think i am the only one who has taken the time to read all of Dave’s articles he sends, the rest of the family do not know the full debt of this young ladies illness, i think they feel its all drug related, well, what she does is self medicate as far as i see it, she does not take the meds for BP as directed, or not at all, what i had to do is pull away totally, she is sharp..she knows i am the one who knows her like a book, and i always have been the one to catch her, and call her on things,and i have watched her in action, actually lie to others about things i have seen with my own eyes! it actually scares me sometimes that i can see her next move, but actually it is not safe for me any longer, she is totally vindictive, and has even threatened to have me harmed, and the sad part is, she is more than capable of doing it,but what can i do?, we have apolice dept here that really does not care, or like i said she is that good, to where they believe her!! she has also blamed her parents for her terrible life, let me add she had a pretty good early childhood, better than most! yes her parents divorced when she was 14, and i will say she had a part in it, from a young age she played people one against the other, she never wanted to see anyone in a relationship, although she had many, she is 29 years old now, had two divocres,(SHE HAD EVERYTHING, BUT NEVER IS SATISFIED) and there has been so many others in between, before, and after, all i can say it is a terrible way to live, not knowing what is coming next from a person With BP, Because from i see, the mind never stops working, I want to say Thank you Dave…without your knowledge i would be in worse shape by this person..all i can do is hope and pray that everyone involved here, gets the help they need to deal with Bp.

I truelly beleive what you say is true. My son actually beleives that someone hired a person to kill him and he has actually seen this person following him when out on a walk. We know for him it probably is very real and scary and have walked with him for his walks because we cannot say to him that it is not true, he would not believe it!

Dave, you were right on with this one. I have a 30 year old daughter who has been an accomplished pathological liar since she could talk. She blames her bipolar disorder, but I know better because I have bipolar disorder myself and I am not a pathological liar.

Ok-so I wrote earlier about my boyfriend, now let me speak about my father…who also has bipolar. I am speaking mostly to the wives who support men with bipolar disorder. (this is also me, and I have a child so this is very personal) I would never be with my boyfriend if he was not taking his medication regularly and taking steps to fight the disorder such as counseling, reducing alcohol intake, and consciously controlling behaviors that he CAN control.
If he was not making the effort, and if results were not being made I would not keep him in my life for the sake of my child.
I watched my parents go through a marriage that lasted until I was 15, when my mom should have left and saved my brother and I from the torture ASAP.
My father never did, and still won’t seek help for his mood swings and bipolar disorder. As an adult I have realized this and decided for my own health I will be able to take my father in SMALL doses, surface level relationship only and to keep my child away from him as much as I can. He isn’t really involved in my life.
In the meantime, my bro and I witnessed YEARS of abuse, watched my mother be broken in half by this JERK OFF!! It caused MAJOR problems for myself (drug abuse, multiple running away from home, criminal activity as a juvenile, no respect for authority and on and on), my brother now battles as an adult with Schizophrenia, which is linked directly to a HIGH STRESS CHILDHOOD environment. Not your normal “hard life” story, there was real damaging drama in our lives EVERY DAY.
If this is the road it is going down, stop it now, no matter how hard it will be for you…in the end you will have saved your children’s lives as some Bipolar sufferers cannot be helped…..thank you

The reason that the bipolar family member is saying things about her growing up that the mother believes is unture, is because either her daughter does believe things that are false, or has a different perception on actual events that occured in the family. People with bipolar often have a different take on things than other family members due to how they perceive things; they often feel criticized and persecuted even when someone is merely expressing concern. It is important to be able to tell the difference between these two features of bipolr disorder: believing falsehoods, or simply having a very different perspective than others in the family of the same events.

David, I have bipolar disorder, and what I know now is that, when I was in a manic episode, what I did was NOT lying, but describing a delusion. This is basically what you were saying that when a bipolar BELIEVES something that is patently NOT true – like my surgeon was my father, for example, and I told a lot of people that he was – it becomes TRUTH for him.

The mind DOES play tricks on you when you’re manic. I guess I wanted to believe my delusions is why they seemed so REAL. No one could convince me otherwise, no matter how hard they tried. Another delusion was that I was pregnant. One nursing student took me aside and said, “Why do you think you’re pregnant?” And all I did was sit there in a calm manner, and said, “Because I just know it.” Of course, I wasn’t, but I BELIEVED it.

Or take another example. I DO tell little white lies even when I’m “normal” and NOT in an episode. I cheated on my boyfriend, and lied to him to cover it up. He, of course, caught me in the lie, and the jig was up. When I LIE, I KNOW I’m not telling the truth – I don’t believe my lies.

There is a BIG difference between BELIEVING a delusion, and telling a lie. Delusional behavior is a sign of mental illness. Lying to someone is trying to spare their feelings or covering something up.
When you’re “normal,” you KNOW the difference; when you’re manic, you DON’T. It’s that simple.

It is hard on the therapist as well as the supporter of a loved one with bipolar, to tell the difference, because the bipolar is so SURE they’re right. Their delusion has taken over and become a pattern of wrong thinking. It is imperative that a GOOD therapist/psychiatrist TALK to and INVOLVE the supporter in the bipolar’s treatment. Only then, can the delusion be exposed.

My mother never believed I had a mental illness. She did not become active in my treatment plan, and would swear at my therapist. Though I know she loved me, she just didn’t understand me and my bipolar. If you’re a supporter of a bipolar, I suggest that you do all you can to present the TRUTH to the therapist/psychiatrist in order to straighten out the MIND of the bipolar in as simple a way as possible.

BIG HUGS to all those with bipolar disorder, and the ones who love them. God loves you, and so do I.

As one woman said about her daughter, it’s not that the person is lying. We had a nephew we took in and he had been off his meds for a long while and was drinking instead to try and feel “normal.” We didn’t realize until he came to live with us that he was actually psychotic and severely paranoid. I wish more people knew about NAMI — National Alliance on Mental Illness, there’s one in every state. They have great informative meetings and gave us a binder with critical info in it about how to stay safe in a crisis situation. I wish I had had it at first but we’re lucky nobody got hurt. He did end up in the state hospital for a week. Anyway, he didn’t remember things that happened to him or what he said or did when he was in that severe psychotic and paranoid state. Some of it may have been blackouts too from the alcohol. He’s back on meds (no one else in family would help him, he’s 27, his dad — who divorced his bipolar mom decades ago — said he was “just trying to manipulate us,” though two psychiatrists agreed he had to be hospitalized for his own protection), and he started going to AA, and he’s back at work part-time. Now if he would only see a therapist … I pray for him and all people with mental illness and their caregivers every day. Find a NAMI meeting near you — everyone has been where you are — or worse!

Wow, so I have been with my partner for nearly two years, and have seen mild episodes of depression and a couple of mild mania. Am I right in thinking there are levels of biopolar? I know there are two types, but so far he seems very tame compared to what Im reading. Although some things are sounding familiar- he has never lied like some of these posts but there has definatly been some inconsistancies in some stories-and stories have changed from previous tellings. I think all of you are very strong people who stand by and support your loved ones.

Hi, re: bipolar, My husband had been treated for clinical depression for many years. I have studied mental illnesses for a Univeristy Degree and have a basic understanding of these illnesses, which with the information I get from you made me get to the conclusion that my husband has Bipolar. We went to see the psychiatrist who had in the past medicated my husband for depression until he had a horrible side effect to the medicine (which the doctor denied it was the medicine) when I told him that I had checked with doctors overseas about it. Anyway, to make a long story short, now the specialist told my husband that he hasn’t got anything. I am very concerned as we are planning to go overseas soon and was hoping the he would be properly medicated as he gets in rages of anger and other times very depressed as life is not worth living it. Please can you give me some answer so my husband can read it. Thank you very much, may God Bless you. Doris

concerning the Bipolar Lie, I lived with a husband who was bipolar for 10 years and have a daughter who has inherited her father’s illness. Both of them can tell some whoppers. They seem to megasize events. Have dealt with lots of problems because of these issues. Almost lost my job due to a lie told by my daughter at age 14. Fortunately, I had many witnesses as to her behavior. This column helps me daily and I am so glad to have found it.

I find it amazing how you send me a letter on issues I am facing. You really do understand what supporting people face on a day to day basis. Thank you.
On Sunday I picked up my sister for an outing from the hospital and I was shocked with her story of what she thinks happened to her. She told me things totally off the wall and yet can clearly recall how she got to the hospital and how much she wants out. I must admit I am confused as to how she can be so clear about one thing and not about others. Then dealing with the doctors is confusing too one minute she can only be out 20 minutes by herself, and with me for 4 hours. Then couple of days later she can only be with me for 2 hours, upon our return they stated she must be with a responsible adult. Taking that personally I stated I am a mother, grandmother and I run a successful business how much more responsible would you like. With great difficulty I will not allow her to be out of my sight for a minute not allowing her anytime to get to alcohol or drugs. The next thing I know they are letting her out for an hour by herself. Within that hour she had hitchhiked to a place called labour ready got a job lined up for the next day and then hitchhiked to my business and demanded I do her resume immediately for her. Upon her arrival I called the hospital to see what was happening they were amazed she was with me and said she was overdue coming back and I needed to get her back immediately. Confused on how this could happen. I again asked to see the doctor looking after her. I would like to know what the plan is for her. I was told he was away till next week and her social worker would call me. Been there done that, I doubt he will call. Quite honestly I have reservations as to whether they know what they are doing. Sometimes it’s like talking to one of the people they are treating. I am seeking outside help from another Dr. in the field. I realize there is no set plan for everyone and each person is different so their plan would be different. However I am not even sure if they have a plan for her.
That time she was out by herself was not bad, last time she was drinking and had cocaine is her system. I really can’t figure out if there has been any progress or not.
On good note my daughter is doing better.

I tp have a daughter that was diagnosed with bipolar. We have been apart for almost a year now. We really do not speak, unless she calls because she wants something. The letter that David sent in the emails about the lying that goes along with the bipolar is very true. This happened to our family. My daughters lies almost tore our whole family apart until we as a family could not take it anymore. My daughter (even though she was getting help and meds) was still getting into trouble with the law, was getting violent with me, and the worst imaginable lies came from her about my son and her father, her step father, her counsins, and her grandfather. In the end the family on all sides could not take it anymore and have seperated ourselves from her. So please whatever you do, listen to what David is telling you, before it becomes to late, and heartbreaking for you and your family.We all still love my daughter very much and miss her everyday, i think about her every minute and I pray to god that the she gets the help she needs.

Hi Dave

Has it ever occured in your time when those with BP have had a bad childhood and it is the truth I ‘m with someone who has so much truth in it as it is verified by other sources.

My partner has given up smoking and cut the drinking. Now he is having extreme disturbing dreams 1 month later and sleeps two hours per night if any at all this is now his 6th week. He is hallucinating and experiening exhaustion. He is very happy not smoking anymore crap but now it has reminded why he self medicated which was to stop this traumatic symptoms spiralling. GUess what we seen the GP typicallly says there is nothing wrong with him. His ex painted a black picture on his name and now no one will help. We are in Britain and the mental health is terrible. It took two years of helping and supporting him after the 1st years of major ups and downs and now we finally took the step to get him help the GP says rack off here some sleeping pills and you are accountable for your own actions. So if he turns psychotic and believe me we are heading that way and I am scared in fact he is too. That it will be his own fault do GP realise how hard it is to control and minimumlise the episodes. you can only do that for so long without the right medication. Now they shoved antidepressants at him. He is too scared to take them knowing this could make this very much matters worse. Any tips David???? When we get help we will buy your course but until then it wont help fully will it?!!

Thanks Dave for confirming what I have believed was truth for the last four years. When my son was younger I thought he was a cronic lier, but once we found out he has emotional problems I realized his”lying” was his version of the truth. He just couldn’t see the whole picture. You are the first person to verify that I am not crazy to believe this.

My mother is manic bipolar disorder, I recently have had to live with her with my daughter who is 2 yrs old. I have always been independent because she verbaly and physically abuse’es me. It is very hard because I have no other family , my grandmother died in 2008 and she was the only one I had. I have no money and what I do get my mother says I owe her, for what reason I don’t know. She know’s I’m trying to save for a place for my baby and me to stay. But she has a gambling problem , I mean a saver gambling problem. So when I have money , after she has spent all of her’s she think’s that I owe her all of mine to pay the bill’s. Then I ‘m left with nothing and I lose everything that I owe on my bill’s and she does not care!! She say’s I’m a bad person and a awful daughter, and that I’m a bitch,and I care about no one but myself!! What am I supposed to do?? And I already go to a consoler like my mom say’s I need to do because i’m the one that is messed up!! HELP!!!!!