David, I feel that deal breakers
should be in place, but how do you
set deal breakers if you are the
person with BP? Deal breakers
work with supporters, but at what
point does one with BP decide it
is time to take further action?
What if your physical condition
prevents taking your medication
and you feel that your medication
isn’t working because your symptoms
are getting worse? I have pancreatitus and ingesting anything
causes excessive vomiting. I am
also an epileptic and not taking
medication is a very real concern
for me. I also have other health
related issues that require
medication and my doctors are
getting very concerned that I
have not been able to take
medication for about a month.
My BP is very acute right now
and I am concerned, to say the
least. I am rational enough to
realize I need serious help NOW!
This can not continue. As I said
to my doctors on September 17th,
I am getting desperate and want
to correct this situation. I don’t
like living like this and for once
in my life, would like to be happy
and I am NOT happy right now.
So, as I said to my doctors,
PLEASE HELP!

Setting up a deal breaker seems a good idea – something I need to do with someone with BP I love very much. Thanks for the suggestion.

My husband has bipolar 2 – I would submit that, altho alcohol makes things worse, the behavior described – episodes of verbal abuse, being extremely critical of the bipolar’s partner, etc, is what we are ALL going thru. It is so hard not to engage the loved one during these episodes, but I have learned that literally walking away from it is the only response that works. It’s critical to understand that no amount of reasoning will work and conversations just excalate the bad behavior until the bipolar person is totally out of control. It is not easy to keep loving your partner at these times, so do yourself a favor, and walk away! I’ve found that in a short while, my husband will approach me as if nothing had happened and will often act like a meek little lamb. And I’ve found that he never mentions his episode and certainly never apologizes for the pain he’s caused. That might be, because he’s in as much pain, or more, than I am – so really why should he apologize? I hop some of this helps. Hilary

I do feel that deal breakers should be in place especially in a dating relationship, however its alot harder to set these if the person you are dealing with is your own child. As a parent we want to do everything we can to “fix” whatever is wrong with our child and we tend to feel very guilty when we cant. I have had to place my 15 yr old in the hospital 3 times over the past year and hav had the cops at my house half a dozen times. At one point i began to wonder if it was me with the problem and not her, however , when she pulled a box cutter on me and told me she was going to kill me in front of my two younger children i knew then i had to set some boundries or deal breakers. We have had a physical altercation back in July and for the first time she actually struck me( slapped me in the face) and i really lost all control at that point and hit her back ( keep in mind this child is taller then me and weighs just as much) However i have not had a problem with her getting physical since. I dont recommed this by any means but i think it was a huge reality check for her. We have finally gotten her meds tweaked and for now she is being compliant with them ( this has been ahuge problem in the past) So, for now things are calm. I also have an 8 yr old that has already been diagnosed with BP and i hope by the time hes a teen i have a little more awarenss with how to handle these things.

I was a single mother (and i say was because i recently got married) trying to raise a bipolar daughter by myself. Needless to say, it was beyond difficult. I tried desperately to get her stable and had to utilize many residential facilities throughout her adolescent years. I was very active in her treatment but it was frustrating to have her fight the treatment every step of the way. I had hoped one day she would “see the light” and just acknowledge that she needed treatment to no avail. She became so manipulative and wouldnt become a participant in any of her treatments or family therapy. From her view there was nothing wrong with her. I guess getting kicked out of schools because of out of control behavior, drug abuse and alchohol abuse (with many ER visits), and putting herself in many risky situations that could have been resulted in her being killed or come up missing and her mental abuse towards me didnt qualify in her mind. Well, fast forward today, she has aged out of services that i had accessed and i am powerless now trying to get her to “see the light”. She is 19 now and think she is invinceable and thinks that therapy is a bunch of crap. She admits to smoking marijuana and drinking but i fear because of her past she is doing more drugs. She thinks there is nothing wrong with her behavior and everyone should just trust her and i should let her live with me and probably destroy my marriage in the process. Anyway, to my point (just wanted to give you a little background)…I realized that by me helping her in situations (mostly money-wise because she cant hold a job) that i am basically enabling her to continue to not seek treatment. I have received therapy myself for the past 4 years. Before that i had neglected my own well being trying to keep up with her treatments and her cat and mouse games. But i finally got myself into therapy. I had really gotten depressed and had alot of anxiety because of her behaviors. Between me and my therapist i decided that the best thing for me at this point since she is an adult is to do an intervention type of approach. I also want to add that i am pregnant and part of my decision process was to protect this future baby from possible exploitation of her and the fact that its just not fair for the baby or my husband to deal with this. Her mere presence and interactions have a way of creating such a tense atmosphere because as a mother i instintively have the overwhelming feeling of trying to protect her and come to her aid and that creates conflict with my husband and seeing the obvious (that she is just manipulating me to get what she wants). She seems to lack the desire of family without her getting something out of it and is not interested in getting to know my husband or even cares how I am doing. So not too long ago she called and left a message for me (i had to let her calls all go to voicemail eventually so i could decide on whether it was important enough to call her back) and told me she was in the ER and she had been beaten up by someone. She had told me all along that her boyfriend had been pysically abusing her and i told her to leave him and enroll in an educational program they have here that provided housing as well-all for free mind you but she didnt think it was a good idea. Well, this time it was bad. She tried lying to me first and said it was a random stranger act and that this person was in custody, not to worry, etc. I decided to call the police myself after she told me they took no pictures of her. Well, they had it as a domestic and a detective there that i had become to know from her growing up told me real scoop. It was her boyfriend and it wasnt a mild case. So i called her back and NOW to the deal breaker….Sorry this is so long-lol…I had enough and was moving to a new house about 45 minutes away from her and figured this was my opportunity to take some sort of stand. I told her (and believe me this was beyond hard), that i couldnt see her because it would be too hard for me to see her like that (she said she had a concussion and a balck eye and a fat lip- i could only imagine what she looked like), that i had told her to leave this boy before because as i said it wasnt going to get better, that she has a way out (although it didnt entail living with me), that i love her dearly and that until she at least gets into therapy I could no longer “deal” with her. That I am pregnant and cant handle the stress when she refuses to even go to therapy. This was the deal breaker for me and i regret i didnt put it in place a long time ago. I wonder if I did would it have changed things. I guess i will always wonder all the “what ifs”. The story about that woman in your email, David really touched me. Someone like that NEEDS a deal breaker or they will be dragged under from a person who refuses treatment. Kind of like i did for so many years until i finally got it. Its a method they use in an intervention (“if you dont get treament I can no longer support you”). I find alot of times a person with bipolar also has a drug or alchohol problem which makes it difficult to treat without getting treatment for the addiction first so they can have a clear head and if they dont get this then you are basically at a standstill. But then again with bipolar (or any other spectrum such as borderline personality) how can the bipolar one see that they DO have a problem? I struggled with this and still do but there comes to a point where you can just do all you can do and its up to them.

I am very grateful for your email today on deal-breakers.

I have just reached that point with my daughter. I have supported her and have been shoring up what I feel is now a totally unsustainable realtionship with her son.

Now there is hard evidence of the long-term damage she is causing to this young child and, even though it is probably the hardest decision I will ever have to make, I have withdrawn my support.

Now she is left with only the Social Services to turn to as not one other member of the family will have anything more to do with her (it has been that way for some time).

She is not receiving treatment, does not admit there is anything wrong with her, everything is always someone else’s fault, there is always an excuse no-matter how feeble that excuse is.

She has brutalised her son, mentally tortured him and now caused long-term physical damage. But “it’s not (her) fault”. Oh yes it is. She’s 30 years old and getting worse without appropriate treatment but here in the UK we (the family) can do nothing about that, she can’t be forced into treatment.

I may never see my Grandson again, God alone knows what will happen to him because he is becoming damaged to a point where I feel it will be impossible to recover the bright and beautiful child he was.

The only course left to me is to withdraw completely and hope that the Social Service and Health Service finally (and quickly) wake up to the massive problems she has. Not to do so only leaves the rest of us open to her gross abuse.

She has threatened to kill her son (just 7 years old) and says she’s going to kill me too. Her violence will only escalate, I know, but this has been ongoing for so very long now that I have finally called a halt, drawn a line and decided to get on with my own life. It has been on hold for far too long.

I still have a room in my home all set up for my Grandson but in the next week or so I will be taking all his toys from around my home and putting them away there, shutting the door and that’s how it will stay.

It breaks my heart to do that but she has used him to blackmail me while abusing him all the time he is with her. Now I am free of that blackmail and you have no idea … well maybe you do … how much better I feel having turned my back.

Now all I can do is hope that someone else saves the boy before she does him the final harm but it’s out of my hands and in the hands of the authorities.

My final act (just yesterday 18th September) was to hand in photographs and details of her abuse to doctors, police and social workers, it is for them to take action now, not me.

as someone with bipolar i think this deal breaker concept is a great idea. you have to have someone who knows where to draw the line because we dont know. i take several meds and wouldnt dare go off of them without dr approval. that is a main concept. dr approval. there are some that actually do know what they’re doing.
ttys,
tina

My ex-boyfriend is bipolar and an alcoholic. I didn’t know of his alcoholism until 2 months after we started dating, then i broke up with him. After, he pleaded with me to take him back, i did. Little did I know, I would deteriorate living with a bipolar/alcoholic who was not on medication, and self-medicated with alcohol.

After several years of trying to make our relationship work, living together, breaking up, depression, loss of weight, loss of self esteem, I quit my job, did the right thing and left him, and ended our relationship. It was the saddest day of my life, and I was so terribly depressed. I cried for a month every night after that.

Finally I am trying to pick up the pieces, and get on with my life alone. It’s so sad, that he won’t get help for himself, and he tells me still up to this day, I know many guys that drink more than me ! and at least I don’t beat you do I ? He just doesn’t understand that bipolar and alcoholism are killing him financially, socially, physically and mentally…..

I still love him, and still talk to him occasionally, but I can never go back even though he pleads with me each time, to return to him, so we can get back together. I ask him if he’s going to get help with his drinking, he refuses to, therefore, i’m here, and he’s there. I can’t stay with someone who doesn’t care about himself enough, to get help, sad but true.

Love hurts especially when bipolar disorder + alcohol =
pain,
depression,
deterioration,
debt,
weight gain/loss,
loneliness,
hanging out with wrong friends.

I am suffering from major depression, no job, borrowing money, and am damn lucky to have a family who cares about me enough to help me out til i’m on my feet again………..

thanks for the comments , I have been waiting for that … I too have been seeing someone for 2 1/2 years . who I have gone thru some major episodes with , He deals with alot of people on a daily basis and when not in an episode is so charming and smart and creative and focused . and then can turn into the biggest jerk on this earth and it may last for months . I kept thinking I must have done something when he would disappear for a month or more , I would grieve . no apologies , nothing , I have tried to be understqanding and i feel really sorry for him . I cant help him because biipolar is his BIG secret . So I have set boundaries and he has just crossed them for the last time with me , Life is short , and I cant waste my life trying to be supportive for someone who wont even acknolegde there is a problem . So now I will grieve again , but am moving on ..

after the last few emails about alcoholism. lets get a few things straight. please don’t belive me, look it for your self. regardless of your bad head wiring. i know i have bad head wiring. alcoholism is 100% in the genes. you don’t catch it. like you can’t catch bipolar. as an alcoholic my body does not break it down like a normal(non-alcoholic person does)person. alcohol is NOT addictive it makes normal people tired and they go to sleep. not me i just wake up and finaly feel ok in my own skin. like i said don’t belive me do your own checking its out there. one last thing i was a very highly functioning alcoholic bypolar type 2 ptsd. wondering if you are an alcoholic you only have to answer these questions. 1 when you honestly want to stop you can’t quit or 2 when you start drinking to you have little control over the amount you take? please stop telling people if you keep drinking you will turn into an alcoholic! i am not saying it is ok to drink and take meds at all. my opinion is that is very bad idea. ok ok one last thing anger is allways a secondary to fear, so if this pissed you off its probably because you are scared i am right.

I believe the deal breaker advise is extremely wise, because me having a bi-polar husband in jail right now because he made a concious decision to stop taking his meds, wound up doing and saying some really awfull and terrible things to me and others was the end of the line. We as supporters cannot support people who have made a concious decision to NOT support themself at the least(take their medications). Taking pills is the smallest responsability and being a helper to a spouse through encouragement takes energy—-but if all your energy is wasted on a person whom won’t use your efforts to help him get well, then what do you need to support them for?

I have learned that my husband has to carry his own cross at this point because I am maxed out—-and the only energy I have is to answer the question to the doctors that they ask me, the lawyer, or to anyone who needs me. I also have the energy to forgive him, but nt be abused—-I cannot handle that on my spirit, or I will be messed up also and cannot help anyone.

I actually feel better letting the relationship go and not waiting around for him to change. I have heard my husband say—-I will do this and that……I no longer want to use my hopes and energy on waiting to see or watch him change, giving him so called grace? I have done this too many times and watched him go right back to the hospitals because jhe wants to be manic. And I found out that he enjoys the high—-so let him enjoy it but he won’t have my support in that decision that could possibly hurt me and other and including himself. I would rather release him and if he is meant to get well, he will have to do so on his own free will. He will have to see that bi-polar has messed up this relationship or something. What I am saying, somewhere there has to be a decision made from him regarding bi-polar not me.

David,
I love the concept of establishing deal breakers. How exactly does one go about establishing boundaries after so very many have already been broken?? I thought if I showed my BP BF unconditional love…he would feel safe enough to get the help he needs…that WE need. Not happening! I can see the self-hate he goes thru after an episode and he looks to me to prevent him from…himself! I feel as if I’m enabling him although the fear of how low he could go scares the heck out of me! Am I doing everything wrong??

David, I feel at a loss. I’m Bipolar 1. Don’t get manic much. Usually depressed, suicidal, paranoid, what have you. But I have NO supporter. My husband acts as if nothing is wrong with me and ignores the situation when I’m having problems. What can I do?

I left my husband in June because of this abuse. He is Bipolar, drinks and will not get help. He was diagnosed two years ago and refused to take the medication or return to the Doctor. The down side is that we have an 8 month old son to raise. I let him have visitation with the baby as long as he doesn’t drink but I have to constantly call his house to police his drinking. He continues to be verbally abusive to me but is an excellent father to our son. This makes me feel guilty because I am using his Bipolar disorder and drinking in our divorce proceedings to have joint custody denied. I feel bad about doing it but I can’t take a chance on him being alone with our son and drinking. It keeps me torn to shreds inside which makes me angry because he doesn’t care. His 14 year old daughter from a previous marriage will have nothing to do with him because of his behavior. I’ve tried to explain that his son will grow up to feel the same way if he doesn’t make changes. Of course he doesn’t think he has a problem and everything is always everyone elses fault. Just wanted to share my experience with this. This site has been so comforting to me because I don’t feel so alone with this. I have the guilt but I hope to get past it with time.

When I was about ten, my bipolar father aquired a 22 calibre rifle. My reaction was gut wrenching fear, that I was in danger of being murdered. I was aware then, that such things could happen, both in my family, and thanks to a neighbour. If my dad had had tuberculosis, or some other contagious disease, he would be hospitalized, and probably placed in isolation. I write this, because of those many writers who are reacting to the deal breakers. If like my mother you choose to stay with a spouse who could easily become dangerous, there is need to consider the life of your children. They can’t just leave, and with my father he could turn it on and off with a phone call. I must still deal with the anger I felt during those years, because I did not have the right to protect myself.
this was made a whold lot worse, because for reasons that I don’t fully understand, we lived in Ontario, and all of my parent’s relatives were in the west. There was no support for us children, and we lived where there were no neighbours to call the police. We were poor. What money my father made, had to go to pay off loans taken during the last manic phase. My father also complained that the lithium caused stomach trouble. Bipolar families need family treatment, in addition to the treatment given the patient. Children need to be provided the resources that they need to feel safe, and to be convinced that they are not responsible, even for there own safety. Children love their parents, even if they are frightened by them. But the real problem for child decendants of a bipolar is that they may carry the predisposition to the disease in their genes. It is hard to tell the role of the genes in a home that is that dysfunctional.
It would therefore be important that such children be monitored J(not labeled) for signs particularly of depression, or abuse, and given the option of being removed from that situation. And they may need to be treated, and as is often the case, if treatment begins early, it may be more effective. Particularly if major symptoms have not yet appeared. As an asside, there are signs of the disease in other relatives, and both of my brothers developed the disease before they were married. Sometimes I think that they were afraid of what they could become.

my husband was diagnosed with bp in June 07 and he refuses to believe that he has it.. His sister is BP and he has always ran to her side when she had a episode. He moved out and I havent talked to him he has gone back to his hometown twice and when he has a chance he’ll go to Las Vegas and stay up there for a week and spend alot of money. I love him but I cant take his screaming and threatening to kill MY son. He blames my son for our separation. His bp sister called me and said that he isnt bp he is just very manipulative. Now I am confused. My mother-in-law is very sad about the separation she has no clue that he is bp. I havent talked to her because I am sad too and I only think by me talking to her will make things worst ( she has a heart condition) Is my husband bp??? Should I leave alone and wait til he talks to me . Tomorrow is his birthday and I would like to see him. I sent him a birthday card and invited to take him out to dinner he has responded. I hope he is OK. I have mixed feelings about this relationship. I dont know if he is taking his meds. Please help

deal breakers must be established – and followed – when supporting someone with bp. my partner of 8 yrs was diagnosed bp1 in 2004. the actue manic episode inc drugs, aggression, jail, undesirable ‘new friends’, bankrpuptcy, job loss, follow-up depression, left him a wreck – and me too. it’s sometimes hard for supporters to ‘see’ the reality of an oncoming episode, because we are often so close to our bp loved one. deal breakers are necessary for both the bp sufferer and also us, the supporters. supporters are at extreme risk of insurmountable stress and anxiety; without deal breakers, we often end up cultivating/enabling the self destructive behaviour, and making ourselves ill. it’s so hard – but the deal breakers must be enforced. i have just walked away from my partner, literally, walked away, as he has yet to accept this is a part of his life. i simply said, ‘we have been together for 8 years, we know eachother like no one else – this thing (bp) is a part of your life, and i am very sorry. i can deal with figuring out meds, dr visits, mood changes – i can not deal with self-injury (drugs, refusing medical help); i can not make you get the help you need, only you can, and if you are not willing to face this, then i’m out – i refuse to make myself sick again. i hope that you someday find the respect for yourself and the people you love to find a way to manage this (bp) because what you’re doing now (no meds, refusal of bp diagnosis) is not working.’
>this was the saddest day of my life, walking away from this person i love unconditionally – and i still cry and cry some days. deal breakers are necessary for supporters to carry on with life.

I came from a very disfunctional family. Looking back I believe both my parents may have been BP. My mother always told me I was sick and wished she didn’t have to bother with me or my alcoholic father whom she always said I was so much like. After 17 I was on my own. I always knew I had some issues especially with trust. I just can’t get close to anyone except my two kids one 22 this month and my daughter who is 14. I see signs of bp in both of them also. I am and always have been my own support system. I have a husband that also used to be a drunk. He also has issues of all kinds. Basically we live together in somewhat of an uncomfortable roomate situation and its been like this for years. I wanted in the past for us to get couseling but he never wanted to. I have just felt really trapped for so long. I just in the last few months was diagnosed bipolar 2 after 49 years. I haven’t worked in years and am wondering if I could get ssi disability.. its a confusing and stressful situation. Especially when you live with someone who is extremely self centered and has no interest in my or my daughters or sons issues. Then I guess why should he he doesn’t acknowledge his own.
I just wish I could take my daughter and leave but have no support system and no money. I have been on the right type of medication for about 4 months now since I found the psychiatrist I have been seeing. Life has been ver difficult. It just doesn’t seem like it should be like this.
Carrie

I’m dating a man with BP. In our 14 months he’s been stable and consistent until the last 10 days when 2 episodes provoked me to seek a safety net. Throughout his verbal abuse and criticism I tried quietly to de-fuse the situation but realised that a complete retreat was the safest option. Although there was no apology afterwards he said he didn’t want us to “fight again” and has been a perfect angel since. I’m mystified to know what sparked the outbursts yet he later maintained that I had provoked his anger. I need to decide on deal breakers for my own safety and sanity. Would he blame me to reduce his own guilt or share his own pain as an attempt to diminish it? With all the BP horror stories, have I just been lucky until recent weeks? Hilary says to walk away – when should that be forever? I can only imagine his pain from 25 years of BP. Is it possible for a supporter to ever learn to block the pain a loved one causes? Advice??