Hi,
First HAPPY FATHER’S DAY if you have a Father’s
day wherever you are. I have to write that
because there are almost 100,000 people now
on my lists and in some places, there is
no Father’s Day.
With that said, I think my mom is going to be
making brunch for my dad and myself. In
thinking about this, I was thinking about
the bipolar supporter lie–something I
don’t think I have ever written about
only talked about with people who filled
out my forms for f.ree consultations
for non medical and non legal questions
because I am NOT a doctor, lawyer,
financial person, insurance agent, etc.
The consultations are a f.ree bonus gift
with any of these courses/systems:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Anyway, with that said, just as I wrote
this, I got the “holiday phone call” from my mom.
I will go over a few things today. First the
holiday phone call is when my mom takes a holiday
and one that can be very simple and not a big
deal and creates a whole lot of drama about
it. Which currently is happening right now.
So now my mom is telling me she is not making
brunch we are going somewhere and I have to
be there at EXACTLY the right time or else.
Her therapist, doctor and myself believe that
one of my mom’s symptoms or results of having
bipolar disorder is that when events come,
she blows them out of proportion and tries
to do way too much which ultimately, if left
unchecked, ramps her into mania.
The thing that makes it so bad for me is
that a) I don’t want to have anything to
do with grief or stress b) other family
members wind up not want to go to any
events with my mom if she does stuff
like this c) that means that my mom
is reduced to myself and my dad on
all holidays or events d) that means
I am not going to have fun.
So today it already started which in my
head honestly makes me want to disappear
and not go–this is exactly what my brother
has done and is doing. My brother has
effectively disowned us (my mom, dad and
myself) and doesn’t speak to us no matter
what.
It all started a while ago when my brother
claims my mom didn’t baby sit for him
when she said that she was going to. My brother
was super mad and demanded that I yell at
my mom which I was not going to because I am
not going to start World War 3 and then be the
person that has to deal with it.
I told him that if my mom went into an episode
I would be the one dealing with it. He didn’t
like that answer and my dad stayed out of it
and as a result my brother banned us from
all holiday get together at his house
including but not limited to Christmas,
Thanksgiving, Father’s day, Mother’s day,
family cookouts, etc.
Here’s where the bipolar supporter lie comes
in.
Last year, my mom didn’t believe that my
brother would NOT invite her to Thanksgiving.
She waited to the very last second. I was
on standby waiting as well to get a call
from my mom to know what to do. I know
for sure my Thanksgiving was going to
be horrible. I was super mad that I
had to have a bad one because of my
mom. Part of me wanted to say forget
it and just go and hang out with one
of 10 friends that invited me over.
But I felt like the right thing to do
was to stay and wait.
So at like 3:00pm my mom final realized
my brother wasn’t going to invite us.
Then the scramble came to try to find
some place open so we could go. Guess
what? Well since nobody got reservations
we were forced to go to a place that
was not good. It was a total nightmare.
I was so mad I didn’t even speak. I seriously
considered cutting off my family because
they ruined yet ANOTHER Thanksgiving.
I can’t tell you in my life how many
holidays, birthdays etc, have been ruined
for me because of bipolar disorder.
Ask my mom and she would say this is not
true but it is.
Okay, so back to the Thanksgiving story. After
Thanksgiving, many of my friends called and
ask how mine was and then I was faced with
a problem…
DO I LIE?
I felt I couldn’t say that I didn’t go
to my brothers, it was horrible, so on and so
forth. So I actually came up with a solution
that wasn’t a lie. I simply said, “Well,
it was okay, how’s yours?” By doing
this all my friends talked about theirs
instead of mine.
I did have to reveal that I didn’t go to
my brothers and since we had been doing
that for years, many friends asked why.
I just said, “Oh he wasn’t around.” Which
is true because he wasn’t around us.
People ask me all the time should they
lie about what is really going on when it
comes to supporting someone with bipolar
disorder. I must say, if you lied about
these things I wouldn’t find fault with you.
I mean if you had to lie and say:
I had a great time and you really didn’t
Things went okay when they really didn’t
We had fun when you really didn’t
She’s doing okay when she’s really doing very badly
I can’t wait until next year when you really can wait until
next year.
Etc.
When you are supporting someone with bipolar
disorder, things get so darn complicated it’s almost
impossible to explain situations and events to people
who are not part of the bipolar supporter family. If
you and I were talking, I would get it right away. Try
to explain stuff that goes on to Bob your neighbor
and it’s hard. Or explain it co Co-worker Mary,
might be very difficult.
Here is my tip for the day. When you know people
are going to ask, develop a story that is vague
enough that isn’t technically a lie. Maybe it’s
a white lie but not a hard core lie. I do this
all the time.
I know for sure today, my friends will ask me
“how was father’s day.”
I will say “Same as always.” Which is true, it
most likely will be bad which is the same it
has been for at least the last 15 years.
I can’t think of any question that I would
be asked that would force me to have to talk
about what goes on with my mom and how it
produces 50 different problems for me.
I wrote this email today not for you to
feel bad for me because I don’t need you
to but it’s to make the thousands of people
on my list that are suffering because their
loved one’s are out of control. People call
and write me and ask if I ever have problems
any more with my mom and if it’s all perfect.
It’s not. I do have problems but I create
solutions for the problems.
But today, there will be lots of drama
because it’s Father’s day and I am 99% sure
my mom will say all kinds of things that create
all kinds of problems because this is her
pattern on every single holiday which makes
it so hard for me because I don’t have normal
holidays.
It would be easy for me to vanish, and tell
my parents, “Oh I will be in California, sorry
can’t make the next 25 holidays.” I think about
this because I have friends all over the us and
many know that I suffer during holidays and think
it’s not fair. When I think of this, I feel bad
leaving my dad stuck with my mom and just the
two of them so then I wind up putting up with
it again.
Bottom line is, when there is a calendar holiday
it’s probably going to be bad for me.
So what I have done is I create non calendar holidays
for myself without my mom and dad and that way
I can have some kind of life and fun. Otherwise
I would probably be really mad all the time considering
I haven’t had a peaceful non dramatic holiday in
I can’t even remember how long if ever.
Anyway, I have to run and prepare for all the different
things that can happen today which is a pain but someone
has to do it.
BUT FINAL NOTE
There is a family get together occurring in Texas
in July that I will NOT be at. I can NOT go
due to business things that I have to take care of.
It will be very interesting to see how this is handled
and how my mom comes back from Texas.
I of course will keep you posted and point out
lessons to learn so you don’t make the same mistakes
if any.
Have to run. Have a great day.
Your Friend,
Dave
P.S. Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
P.P.S Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can’t learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com
Hi David
yes I know the feeling only too well!
Trying to help another… holidays that in no way feel like holidays… can you get a chance to go for a quiet walk later tonight when everything is quiet (your mum has gone to bed)?
These are the quiet reflective moments we all get strength from and right now it sounds like you need one of those moments badly!
Try to get some break from it all even for a moment here and there!
Sofi
hey dave, i know whut you mean haha but besides im bipolar im not the one who ruin the hollidays, funny right?
well take a walk or go take a break man you should, or you will end as crazy as a goat or as me XD.
you really need it dave, or try to avoid hollidays with them at least one holliday and use it for youre self enjoyment. ok i know it sounds selfish but wtf you need also some time for youself not only for youre monkeys o sorry the monkeys are mine (family) lol.
take care man
x i really feel for u david..we cannot choose our families and we cannot disown th0se we love just because they have challenging issues….. ur a strong man..i admire ur courage and tenacity..most would walk away…x
x that is my question to u…. i do not have 2Love sum1 with BiPolar disorder..i do not have 2care about them..or support them emotionally…. but i do… my choice… it is damn hard making this choice when walking away seems the safest option… x
x i cannot walk away either… and why?! Beause the person i Love is still here..trapped inside something horrendous..but still here… x
(((HAPPY FATHERS DAY.. and a peaceful sunday 2 all)))
xxbuTTerFLY ~ Londonxx
Have a Happy Fathers’s day my friend and I will try my best to have a good one too.
Eddie
Interesting email today. Question: can supporters take on behaviors of sufferers? My mother (the supporter) gets like Dave’s mother during holidays, taking on too much, planning a huge get together when we’d all be happy w/ a quiet dinner, etc. . . suddenly she is a perfectionist from who knows where (rest of the year she is not so “perfect conscience”). Part of her anxiety is knowing that holidays for me as a sufferer could go either way and she has had no idea how to prepare for that. It is getting better as we all learn about the disorder I have, but WOW can holidays be more hassle than they are worth, especially if the theme of the holiday is lost in troubleshooting and catastrophe management. On that note, have a great Father’s Day to fathers all over the world!
Thank you for today’s E mail. It help to know that we are not alone in the “holiday” situation. You have helped us deal with the bipolar problems. Thank you again
Ah Dave… yes, yes, yes. Holidays have been hell for the last 15+ years. I usually have this mysterious stomach flu that hits at minor holidays. Christmas has become absolutely a horror and finally i said, no more, and escaped to my sane daughters in MN for a long weekend. Heaven, pure heaven. I know you feel a need to support your mom and dad, but there really is a message in taking a holiday for yourself once a year that this really is THEIR problem and dangit, it really is ok to opt out. Ok, so i don’t totally opt out… we have a christmas dinner a couple weeks after which actually works out nice, becuase the major pressure is off. There is one ‘summer b’day’ get together and one ‘winter b’day’ get together tho since my b’day is in the winter and the fellas is in the summer, since mom died, well you know the winter celebration is nil.
Bottom line.. we do deserve to have an enjoyable holiday at least once a year. And the others, for our own physical and mental health its important to know when we need to opt out and let mom and dad do their own celebration. There is a cost to selfishly not doing what bipolar folk know they need to be doing.. harsh i suppose, but true none the less and the consequence may well be that its the two of them doing a holiday.
I say ‘yeah for your brother’ .. ok, in some ways, for setting a limit. Granted on the babysitting thing, he’s really showing his unwillingness to recognize how ill your mom is… leave kids with someone relatively unstable .. not good.
Hope you get a lil respite, you’re an amazing son and dad to your parents.
Why lie?
Tell the truth David.
No little story to cover up the truth. My good friends know that my Mother and son are bipolar. I do not make plans with them because I enjoy peace, and am able to accept invitations from my friends on holidays. I’d much rather be with them than my Mother or son who ruin EVERY holiday, or special event!
Would like to e-mail response.
Beverly
I have to agree with Lynette. The lying or being vague has to end. Once again it puts the onus on you.If you real frineds know the truth of your family situation then when you say” It’s time to batten down the hatches for another holiday!” and just chuckle they will understand.
Stop putting more stress on yourself than is necessary.
I have stopped acknowleding holidays of any kind becuawe of the horrific tolls it takes on everyone. The are stressful, costly and more often than not are never happy occassions.
I just do special things for others when not exspected. Little things that count and are very seldom if ever expesive in time and money.
I parted company with my mother who is BiPolar (and very dangerous)when I was twenty-five. I saw her again at 47 and she still saw me as 25 and herself as 20 and the “Queen Bee”. We visisted twice in the week she was here. I let my daughter do much of the visiting and she learned what I had tried to explain for many years. When my mother finally left I did not miss her. I love my mother but when she tried for the second time to kill us both I decided I wanted to live!
My daughter unlike my mother now understands about BiPolar and works at keeping track of her medications, etc. She spends less time hanging on to me and doing things for herself. Her new Fiance’ knows about all her issues and is the quiet strong figure that guides, suggest and keeps her safe. I now have time for myself and will soon go out into the world for the first time in 50 years to live my life. I have no regrets or worries about my daughter or my mother.
I have upheld my responsibilities, my obligations to them both, but I deserve a life for myself and it is up to me to get one for myself.
I feel no shame about telling others (if they ask) about my mother and daugther being BiPolar because it is not their fault nor my own it just is what it is.
Connecting to you has been a wonderful opportunity for me to make comparisons and sort a few loose ends out. I thank you!
DearDave,
I feel your pain today as I have had a major slap in the face today as well. I shall not go into detail:it would shock the children,as well as the grandchildren,if they could read;they are very young-67 years old and not yet 6 months. I love them dearly. All I can say is that life is short,bebe,but wide. This,too, shall pass.
God blessyou sincerely marilyn from georgia
hello David,
I so know the situation you describe, the part about the white lies. I lived with a bipolar man for 3 years, it ended in a tragedy. I am not in the frame of mind or heart to explain what happened but know that we are separated.
While we were together, I often described certain situations that required an explanation to a third person in a fashion that was not exactly the truth. With our few friends, however, I always told them exactly what had happened (mostly a manic or even psychotic episode and the aftermath). Even he himself would go and see our apartment managers and explain things to them which they had heard from neighbours already in a complete different fashion. And the managers understood for which both he and I were very grateful.
As for you being a supporter to your mom – I think your dad really needs to step up and take over this role fully. I remember you gave him until July to read through all your material and to learn how to cope with mom when she is not well and heading into an episode. It is time to let go, Dave, for you to have a life, too. I am not sure whether you ever mentioned that you have a family of your own or not but if you do, they must miss you in many ways, many times. Dad has seen what needs to be done and needs to take over. True, you are her son but he is the primary person in her life, her husband.
Think about it, I mean well.
Take care and thank you for all the help you have given me over years now …. Midnight
David–do you know how many times I give the short and sweet ‘fine?’ or ‘same old same old,’ or if was really awful–‘still hangin’ in there.’ I completely identify with what you’re saying. My daughter’s one sister won’t let her come over to her home. Her other sister will let her come over, but only when her husband is gone. All three of her siblings think that, ‘yeah, she has problems, but most of this is an act. I mean, I have problems too, but I don’t act like that.’ They’ve known her her whole life, and we knew she was different from the time she was a few days old, but they think she just needs more will power and maturity. *sigh* Right now she’s stable, but I’ve already noticed some of the very early signs of the next crash. I just hope we get through today in one piece. Kelley–mother of 22 year old daughter(living at home) with Bi-polar 2
Hi David
It is a shame that you have to go through this for every holiday.
I guess I am one of the lucky ones. When my daughter was diagnosed she was asigned a Dr that she goes to see once a month and has blood work done to monitor her meds before each visit. So far all has been good exept for the odd little hiccup, but nothing like you seem to go through. I live in Canada and the support system that is set up here has been wonderful. My daughter is a mother of 2 little girls and has the most supportive and understanding husband arround. Please try to take time for your self. I do no not understand your brother. Our family is always together and support them by going over and giving her husband a break every now and then so he has time for himself also.
Like Sofi said I hope you get to have breaks to recharge yourself too.
Dee
Hi Dave
I wrpte this comment only to lose it trying to hook up my gmail account.
But in summary, I have found going for a walk with somebody is very helpful.
For them and Me. I give thought to the fact, that maybe we all a bit bi-polar and get things upside down.
My reason for this is. We can/t walk on our heads but we can think on our feet you see.
Walking and talking is a great way of finding out what you or somebody else is thinking. I find it especially good for me. Because I want to do both all the time. Walking settles me down.
I think your’e great for sharing yourself and your belief in what you’re doing. You portray lots of energy. Conserve some for you, won’t you? Don’t forget about your life and what it might mean to you.
Cheers No-Envy
Like yeah, holidays aren’t holidays anymore. And it seems to get worse as I’m scheduled to be on-call for a majority of the holidays thru 01/01/08 (maintenance emergency calls…)
But Dave, I wish YOU a Happy Fathers Day because you are like a DAD to so many of us!
Hi,
You are amazing, and have lots of patience and love for your family. I like the idea of the non-holiday holidays. You need to take good care of yourself or you can burn out.
Thanks for all of your sharing of your experiences.
Marie
Holidays have always been a special time for me in the past, when my adopted family was all alive. Being a high-functioning bipolar, they never saw me as anything but “normal” while we celebrated Christmas, b’days, Thanksgiving, etc. I helped prepare the food, set the table, engage in conversation, and never created a scene.
But to digress…my mother was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s for about five years, living with my first husband and me. All 3 of us were always invited to spend holidays with my in-laws. Mom had lost all semblance of social graces by that time – but my in-laws continued to have my mother over for the “special” occasions. There was embarrassment on my part, but everybody was so kind and understanding, that it was never an issue. If only ALL supporters were as lenient with their sufferers…
Both my adopted Father and biological Father have passed, so let me take this opportunity to wish YOU a HAPPY FATHER’S DAY, as your insights make me feel as if you are a perceptive “father figure” for me, with your course and your emails. I learn sooo much from them, and welcome any and ALL suggestions as how too act.
Dave, you ARE a good son; take a walk; clear your head; because your Mom is not going to be around forever, and though she is “sick,” you WILL miss her when she’s gone…just a word of caution.
God bless.
Dear Dave,
I have just read the comment posted by sophia(what a lovely name!) I think she has a super idea-a walk in the evening! You know, people walking is a spiritual thing. It is in scripture-Christ and the twelve walked everywhere. Take care, marilyn bauer jesus and the 12 diciples walked all the time. Please, do try it. It may help. Marilyn from georgia
i have bipolar. while i have appreaiated yojr comments, i am now finding that some of them have affected both me and my family in a negative way. now they accuse me of being manipulative no matter what it is i want to talk to them about. they also get very angry and are not kind to me at all now . any ideas? I don’t think that your own frustraqtion with your mother is helping others right now.
your distress with your mother right now appears to be blaming her and not the illness. As a result, from your comments, my family now does not talk to me–they say that i am manipulating them regardless of what i want to talk about, and feel now ok about not enjoying time with me, and about swearing at me etc. Please consider changing your attitude so a more positive attitude for those of us who have bp .
thanks for the tips! holidays are always supercharged! I look forward to non-holiday holidays!
Also, I am writing to make contact because I am waiting for the jumbo pkg bundle from your company and have no way of contacting someone at the office. please check on my order and have someone contact me by email. Thank you!
I totally know what you mean by every holiday being a huge drama…..when we finally did make plans to go see my family even if there was no holiday my husband would have to wash and wax the car at the last minute or he’d say he didn’t feel well and couldn’t go..everyone would be disappointed you don’t do that to children when you know they are excited about going to see their grandparents who they never get to see. with his family I’d somehow get past the drama and we’d end up going ,then it was as if it wasn’t enough for him he didn’t get the rise or commotion he needed so the last picnic we went to with his family he got irrate about something that had happened , his sisters dog bit him when he was being physical with her son . the dog was protecting the boy who was being picked up by his collar and pulled up over the deck side. If I had been a dog I would have bitten him as well. on the way home he took it out on us i n the car by driving fast , screaming at me and i was holding a plate of chocolate cookies while driving he began taking his hand and attacking the cookies on the plate in my lap. I tossed the cookies out the window it was easier, he had gotten the rise he wanted he terrified all of us. he got to the point where he would say i was not invited to his families functions for thanksgivings and christmas i was not invited but he and our son were. my daughter would stay h ome with me and we made our own. then he would come home and demand things be done or else…..wanted my son and daughter to go thru the checkbook and write down every check and who they were to……he could have just looked himself but claimed he couldnt read my writing. he loved an audience so everyone i spoke to on the phone had the opportunity to hear his rampages including the realtor and my law office……..i didnt lie for him i told people exactly what happened. there were many examples of people who didnt tell that ended up beaten or worse dead….it wasnt going to be me…….
Well I wouldn’t let anybody ruin my Thanksgiving! If she won’t stop ruining the holidays you should go somewhere else to enjoy holidays without her until she has had time to think things through! Otherwise you’ll never get to enjoy holidays in peace with her. Thanksgiving is a time to gather & give thanks for blessings, also enjoy Thanksgiving dinner in pleasant company. Don’t stick around if you see it’s going to get excessively ruined for you!
Hi David, I too have seen the effects that family holidays have on my bi-polar wife. In fact I belive they are a major trigger. Every fall as the holiday season ramps up she goes totaly manic until some time shortly after the new year. Last fall she walked out on me shortly after being diagnosed. Thats when I started to put the puzzel together and saw a pattern. We have been apart for nine months. Im scared to think what might happen this fall now that she’s on her own. Her family has been zero help. It appears the disorder may be a dirty little family seceret thats be around for several generations. Any how I feel really helpless right now. She wont go to the doctor and she cant be reasoned with. Im the bad guy right now because Im the only one pushing her to do the right thing. Any suggestions? Fall is right around the corner.
dear friend i am a yoga therapist i any querry then you can share your problem
I appreciate all the advice and help. It does take time to assimilate, but that is certainly worth doing!
Personally have one day a week to myself where I don’t deal with any visits of any kind.
It helps me to rejuvenate & prepare me for the week ahead for whatever happens.
Called day of REST! 🙂
Thanks dave. Please take care of yourself. I sometimes use the comment i feel ok, or things are going ok when i don’t want to get in the problems. People who don’t have a love one with this disorder just doesnot understand. Plus i feel like i’m whinning to some of my friends. This illness can be exhausting and sometimes i take a vacation from my problems They will still be there. Thanks for your sharing i don’t feel so alone with this. i wish i found this site sooner. But glad i did find it.
Oh Dave, I am sorry to hear holidays suck. However, it is good to know I am not alone. I had two holidays back to back My sons 2nd birthday and then Fathers day the following weekend. Holidays stress my husband because his parents trigger many feelings for him because they never make time to see there only son or only grandkids for that matter. This makes it very stressful for me because he is so moody. I have come to the conclusion that I can’t rely on him to mhelp with any planning etc. Which I thought doing so would make me even more stressed without having any help. However, it was the exact oposite. Becasue I left him out of the details and planning he was able to relax more and I did not have to deal with his “moods” the Birthday party last weekend was fun and a success. and Fathers day was fun as well. I have now learned to not put extra needed pressure on my husband and just do everything myself. Even though I take on extra responsibiltiy by doing myself It goes so much smoother and we both enjoy the time much more.
Wow and I just realized why my husbband goes manic each fall like bubu’s wife. He spends money like crazy to the point I never buy him Christmas gifts for christmas day and I am usually scrapping to find money for family gifts. I am so glad my husband has been diagnosed. It explains so much. I will really have to be careful this fall.
Hi all, Dearest Dave I also have enduered many epic holidays. You wouldn,t walk int a tornado if you saw it comming. Then if you know its headding right at you why go there? Limets and bounderies are the key to survival. Not just a great tolerance for drama. I think you should make the time to plan holiday gatherings. Mom should not be doing this. Dont wait and be on stand by. Why creat wreakes where they dont have to be.You make the plans,menu time resteraunt phone calls etc. tke controll. And tell your Mom the truth. MOM I LOVE YOU BUT DONT LIKE THE HOLIDAYS WHEN YOU ACT OUT.Then all mom has to do is show up. Or have your holiday with your 10 friends and your unholiday with the family. Turkey is on sale, resteraunt is less crowded. your Mas not stupid. I think if you gently but firmly pull on the reins of this filly she wi start to fallow the program. Sorry if I sound mean, but get real.your mom loves you. She cannot ever be in the position of the upperhand. Thanks for letting me share
Thank god David!! but gee it seems an awful large sacrifice. Any wonder you have turned this negativity into a positive and at least have the opportunity to make some money…Thanyou..again it just proves that this is a constant LIFE battle! Wot is the lesson here for our lives to be touched like this and why do we feel the need to par take???????
Dear David,
I can relate to the bad holidays. My husband and older son are bipolar. My son has a worse case. He is married with 2 children and 95% of our holidays are ruined due to a fight between my son Eric and his wife or something of that nature. We have on rare occasions had a good holiday. My other 2 children and families find it difficult to deal with and I can understand this. Eventually it may just be my husband, my son Eric, and myself on holidays? Who knows…