Hi,
Well Father’s Day is over and it went fairly
well. There was no serious drama. This was
the first Father’s Day where there was no
serious bipolar drama. Since there was only
three people, myself, my dad and my mom,
it’s hard to have drama :).
Anyway, my mom did throw out what I call
Bipolar Bait to kind of start a situation.
In all cases, my dad and myself didn’t
take the bait so there were no problems.
But as this was happening, I was thinking
about writing you this important email
about a very important principle I have
learned when supporting someone with
bipolar disorder.
You MUST choose IMPORTANT Battles
What does this mean? Well when supporting
someone with bipolar disorder, things are said
and done that are either important or not
important.
For example, yesterday my mom said, “Why
are you guys jumping on me.” My dad and
I were not “jumping” on her rather
simply engaging in a conversation and
not agreeing with my mom. She called
that jumping on her.
I could have gone on and gone and defended
myself and my dad but I let it slide because
I don’t care and it’s not important.
On the flip side, I INSISTED that my mom
NOT get all worked up and involved in
a family reunion that is going in Texas.
I will fight this battle because it’s
important. I know if my mom starts getting
all into planning, figuring things out,
buying stuff, etc from New Jersey for
an event in Texas it will probably lead
to some kind of episode.
How do I know this? Is it because I am
a psychic? NO, because I have charted
patterns of this happening in the
past 20 years.
Another example of a battle I choose
to fight was the battle over finances.
I choose to make sure my mom didn’t
create any more d.ebt and fought
to make sure she wasn’t using c.redit cards.
But there are other things that I just
let go because they are not that important.
If you don’t learn to figure out what’s really
important and what’s not really important
you will find yourself constantly stressed out,
tired all the time and feel like you are at
war 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days
a year and that’s a hard way to live.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Hey, well I have to take off for the day.
Have a great day.
Dave
Dave,
Glad to hear you had a quiet Fathers day. Surprise Surprise!
I am rather angry that we have to live thus way. I give you so much credit for giving so much of yourself to your mother.
Your a good man Dave.
June
I have just joined the site trying to find information about bipolar. I think my brother-inlaw has it and your site has been a great help Dave, Thank you so much….
I’m orginally from Jersey so I know You are a great person…..
Thank you for helping so many
Dear Dave, I can not express how happy I am to know that you are doing all this work for people like myself, who do have bipolar. It really does mean a lot to me. And I can not thank you enough. You really are THE BEST. My oldest son, also has bipolar, and I am wondering if that is why he has cut off all ties with me. He has a son, whom I haven’t seen since my grandson was 9 weeks old, and come September of this year, he will be 10 years old. But again, I can not thank you enough for what you are doing. Finally someone is willing to help people understand more about bipolar disorder. I am just hoping that I will be oje of the first to be able to join that circle that you have created on Wednesday, June 20th 2007. Again thank you so very, very much for what you are doing. And May God Bless You Always. Your Friend Sherry
Dave,
thanks for being there I am glad I found this site, I am the one with bi-polar. I have had it since child hood. It is hard to deal with if you don’t know what is going on. You feel like you are going crazy. But with your articles I can understand more about it. Honey
Glad to see you’re making money off of us.
x david please when u have time..can u send me an email i can respond to.. i really need advice..but it is a matter that is private and sumthing i do not wish 2have to discuss openly on these blog boards….it is about BiPolar Bait..i need advice b4 i make a mistake and get hurt again.. x
x i would b very grateful if u could find the time 2slot me in2 ur busy day… x
x thanking u… x
xxbuTTerFLY ~ Londonxx
We not only had fathers day, our town had a festival, so our grandson had a heck of a weekend of trying to make decisions of where he needed to be and when. He is 11 years old and yes you have to pick your arguments as you will be fighting the fight 24 -7. And that is no way to live. My grandson is now in a baseball team! Of course we had to explain bipolar it was easier to send him to this sight . The man has the patients of a saint. Thank god
Dear Dave,
It’s been bipolar bait for me all week long even though he wants to leave anyway soon. Where do I start? I’ll just mention a few short ones…At one point in the past two days, my significant other told me that he guesses that he’ll keep me around for a few more weeks, but only because of my cooking.
Another thing he did was that he finally kept getting close to me while I was at the stove this morning cooking his dinner,(that’s right, I prepare his dinner while I prepare breakfast so that he has it at work.) however, as soon as I called him on his flirting, he backed away and said that I should just back off..(big control issue with teasing me all the time sexually) I didn’t think that men that are 34 still have that issue.
Last night he did everything he could to get violent except, I opened the front door so if I yelled someone would hear, and I had my phone set for the police dept. and I let him know. After he finally calmed down and realized that he wasn’t going to be able to spar and act like he was in the ring and get mean etc.. he quickly hugged me, and than tried to get mean again in five seconds.
The funniest thing happened today while driving him to work. He decided to do the bipolar bait again after hours of teasing and walking away from me. So, while a female came out of her place of work and stood on a street corner, as I was stopped waiting at a red light, she was to our right. Of course, his head was going up and down her body starring, So you know what I did??? I started starring too! very hard while making a mockery of him in a sense.
I told him in this way, I won’t get upset or jealous because his disrespect, Instead of the girl thinking that he’s interested in her, she’ll think something’s wrong, that ought to combat that for awhile instead of him aggrivating me all the time by trying to get me jealous while he’s playing control games with me. Pretty soon, when he’s gone, I’ll never have to worry about him doing it again! He’s like a child that instigates. It’s very annoying hour after hour and day after day. I’m not getting anything but headaches out of it because he won’t grow up and be a man. By the way, when I catch him trying to pick up other women, and I mean that he does it right in front of me, (the young ones he likes to try to inflate his ego with and I kindly remind them that he is old enough to be their father) He tells me to grow up! It’s this constant bicker back and forth push/pull garbage that life’s to short to waste on. This man has no respect or any good plans for me.. the only plans that he’s had for me all this time is to aggrivate me everyday while trying to make me feel unwanted and not pretty. Why should I be sorry for losing that??? Those things, I don’t believe, are all associated with bipolar. The things that you speak of (which he also does) in normal conversation, may be related to bipolar, but all of the controlling masochistic stuff that he does to make me feel like there’s something wrong with me physically, is just his sick control coupled with projection of his own insecurities and sexual hangups. He wants me to feel how he feels and ten to one, someone in his past made him feel bad sexually, so he’s repeating it on me. I could live like that for the rest of my life with him and have no fun, excitement, or commitment from him as well as no future, but since he wants to go, believe me… I won’t miss that stuff!! He needs to grow up.
He won’t get therapy for the sexual garbage either. So, apparently, he wants to do these things. I told him to day, that no-one is ever totally in control and that he’d have to learn to let the control games go. Those bipolar bait things are only a few of about fifty within the past few days.
My tension goes up-down up-down, everytime he tries to discover another avenue of instigation. It is seriously like raising another child. In fact, my son didn’t do this stuff. Maybe for one year, I think when he was eight.
There’s bipolar and the bait stuff and then there’s someone purposely trying to put the other person down everyday, and that’s what he does to me. He goes after it through sex and my looks in order to strip away that which makes me feel like a woman. Any woman would have a hard time with that in her prime of her life. I’ve given him three years already, enough is enough. I don’t think that what he does to try to ruin my self-esteem is bipolar. It’s more than megalomania as well. He once insisted that I was a man after being with him for a year and a half and having a miscarraige at that point, as well, he wouldn’t even listen to the fact that I have a 21 year old son, which means that I’d have had to have a sex change in my teens, and that wouldn’t ever have happened. He then inspected me in a very degrading way. Of course, it made me cry… Here I was a singer,model etc.. and he’s doing this stuff to me…his no-sex garbage is all of the same tactics.
While crying during that inspection issue, I called my mother horrified, She, having a degree in psych. was on speaker phone telling him that if he thought that I was a man, than for a year and a half prior that he was with me, he had plenty of relations with me including babies, etc. than my mom told him that he must be gay..P.S. It’s all comming out now. My mom does not play.. I forgave him and tried to carry on, but he is trying to push his own insecurity about his sexuality on to me.. all the time. That’s not bipolar, that’s being confused as a controlling man.
As I expected, the DRAMA began when I had to run over to Dad’s for the Father’s Day thingie….being pulled in two different directions at once! Husband and Dad… Jeeze! Wish I could say it all was well, but that was not the case, although Dad was very happy to see me and have time to talk with me before all the others arrived. All in all, it went better than I truly expected it would, there were no ::fireworks:: to speak of but the tension and implied ‘threats’ were there, nonetheless.
Quite draining upon this human body I live in, causing extreme stressors and much bad feelings towards certain members…
Kudos in the way YOU handled YOUR drama day… I will learn to do the same, just in a matter of time, and I’m a veeeeeery patient person, who does hospice and sits with the shut-ins, so, yes, I have patience. Just learning the ropes of being BiPolar and the way it affects those around,,,,
Anyhoo, have a good one and make it better….
Magnolia
Kudos to you, Dave, for recognizing the “bait” problem with your Mom. Not all bipolars resort to “baiting” their loved ones. I have no father to spend Father’s Day with; those days are long gone. I do, however, have a 63-year-old boyfriend who lives next door to his mother, a 150 miles away, who only sees me on weekends. He IS a father, but declares to me that he doesn’t really think “she” is his daughter. He has contact with her, but very minimal.
I wished him a HAPPY FATHER’S DAY, and fixed him a BIG breakfast, the kind he likes. But – he has ED, and does nothing to help himself. I’m 59 years old, and I have needs. He knows I am bipolar, so ANY way I act, sexually or not, he attributes to being “manic.” I left him in November for a man I liked who was totally sexual and fulfilled my needs – but he left me “high and dry” in January. When I went back on on-line dating sites, this man emailed me and wanted to pick up where we left off. I was sooo tired of the “search” that I let him back in my life. We have a lifestyle of domesticity – without the “perks”, and I’m tired of being his alleviation from boredom.
He was an alcoholic until 1984, and now does EVERYTHING in moderation. He was married 4 times before 1984, and now seems “gun shy” about a sexual relationship. He told me he was in love with me (before we broke up), but now I don’t know where we stand. Whenever he leaves on Sunday, I am either depressed Sunday night or Monday night, like I am now. I tell myself it’s only a MOOD, and that I will get over it. My question is – should I hang onto this guy just to have male companionship? I KNOW I can do better; I had a lunch date last week with an old “friend” whom I had relations with before I met my current man, and he was practically ALL OVER ME. He brought me roses, took me out, called me “beautiful and sexy” and we kissed passionately before he let me out of his car.
See – I KNOW I am attractive and a wholesome woman. So – why do I act like such a masochist? I know it’s not my bipolar that keeps me involved with this guy – but I don’t want to hurt him, and start over again. But – I’m NOT getting any younger and I’d like someone to spend the rest of my life with. Anybody got a suggestion?
hey dave, cool you had a decent fatehrs day… well i forgot completelly and my fatehr is pissed with me lol XD, yeha im a bitch.
well dave i subsribed or though i subscribed for the suport group didnt i?
i alredy did though but anyway thaxs for rememebr me.
take care
Hi Dave,
I am so glad I have found your site, I have lost my first and second fiance due to the fact that with my first fiance I never knew I had bipolar and my second fiance couldn’t take the mood swings and temper tantrums and we never knew how to deal with it. My older sister Tonya also suffers with bipolar, as did my mother and grandmother, which in those days they refered to it as Yuppi Flu. We are also convinced my twin sister has it, and keep trying to persuade her for the sake of her family and herself to go and assess herself and get medication. But she point blank refuses. Her husband and kids suffer terribly due to her serious mood swings and depression but she is not mature enough I feel to admit to the problem.
She has now written me and my sister off because she lost her temper and said she no longer wants anything to do with us. At this stage it feels like quite a relief because it is exhausting keeping up with her even though I’m a sufferer myself. What are the chances my 3yr old daughter might also eventually suffer with Bipolar if my whole family has suffered with it?
Sunny South Africa
dear dave, i have just started dating a man with bipolar disorder. it took him 2 months to tell me (i had already figured it out). i am in love with him so all the “advice” to get out is useless. still i feel confused and sad alot your site has helped me and i would like to get even more info. thank you for you time and knowledge
Dave,
Thanks for your help It’s clear you understand this subject re BP on a grand scale.
You have really really helped me out man.
God bless you.
UK
Dave,
Happy to hear your Father’s Day was without incident.
I’m supporting a friend who is bipolar. He is living in my house for free. He has had many an episode and my neighbors are getting fustrated at me about it.
The last episode landed him in jail and a mental facility. He is back at my house now and started taking his meds. He is also enrolled in some kind of research project regarding drugs and his bipolar condition. I’m going to start going to support groups and have been reading a book written by a man who is bipolar so I can get the gist of what his is going through.
I want to thank you because the internet didn’t help me that much, but you do. Thank you again.
Dave, I’ve been getting your e-mails daily. My 36 year old daughter has recently been diagnosed with manic depression. Her symptoms started in her teen years. She does not live with me but she does have a 5 year old son that is terrified of her and her rages. How can I help him? Currently she is making him lie to everyone that he is happy with her so that he can still see me, his Grandma. How can I get him out as a whole little boy? I’m scared and need help…….please help me!!!