Bipolar? When Dealing With Your Loved One, Don’t Do This

Hi,

How are things going for you today?

I hope you have a great day!

I got this email from a supporter the other day:

“Dave, I thought I was a good supporter,
and I try to do the things you tell me to do in
your emails, but my husband keeps going into
episodes anyway. When I try to help him, he
just gets mad at me, and we end up fighting.
I think I’m doing the right things, but he won’t
even listen to me. I’m so sad and frustrated.
I just don’t know what else to do. I know it’s
all my fault. I must be the worst supporter
in the world. Deborah”
——————————————————-

I’ve gotten many emails like this from supporters just like Deborah.

Now, I’m not a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or anyone like that, but I now how she feels,
because I went through it with my mom.

I experienced all those feelings, too, and I didn’t know what to do.

Until I developed my courses/systems, other supporters didn’t know what to do, either:

NEW
LEARN THE SECRETS OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL WITH
BIPOLAR DISORDER?
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/bipolarmastersystem/

SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11

SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com

HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net

But let me address Deborah’s email directly, since so many supporters are going through
the same thing.

The biggest thing I sense is GUILT.

And that is very common.

And what I have to say to that is:

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

You could be the ace, #1, absolutely BEST supporter in the world, but if your loved one refuses to do what they’re supposed to do for their OWN stability, then nothing you do is going to change that.

Again, it is NOT your fault. It has nothing to do with you.

It is THEIR problem, and not yours.

Now, Deborah says that she follows what I say in my emails for supporters.

But I also write emails for people who have bipolar disorder.

And if her husband was doing what I told him to do in my emails to him, he would be listening to her, he would be doing what he needs to be stable, he wouldn’t be fighting with her, and he
sure wouldn’t be going into episodes, now would he?

It sounds like Deborah is trying to do the right things.

She is trying to help her husband.

She is trying to be supportive.

She is trying to get her husband to do the things he should do to stay stable.

But you can’t force someone to do something that they don’t want to do.

That’s where her frustration and sadness are coming from.

But here’s the most important thing (and I hear this from so many supporters):

Deborah is BLAMING herself for her husband’s bad bipolar behavior and lack of stability.

You can tell, when she says, “It’s all my fault.”

Well, I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but it sure doesn’t seem like it to me!

It seems to me like she’s trying everything she can to be supportive to her husband.

How is it her fault that he won’t listen to her and won’t let her help him?

He is an adult, and makes his own choices. He can choose to let her help him or not. He can choose to listen to her or not. He can choose to be stable or not.

It is NOT her fault if he makes the wrong choices.

“I must be the worst supporter in the world,” she says.

But the very fact that she reached out to me and sent me that email proves that she isn’t!

The fact that she is asking for help for her and her husband proves that she isn’t!

Have you ever felt that way?

Maybe you’re even in the same situation that Deborah’s in right now.

What would you say to Deborah?

What do you think she should do?

David Oliver is the author of the shocking guide “Bipolar Disorder—The REAL Silent Killer.” Click Here to get FREE Information sent via email on how and why bipolar disorder kills.

  1. This is for Deborah. Take it in little baby steps. First of all stop blaming yourself. You can do little things to help him stablize without him even realizing that is what you are doing. If he is on meds, just set out his meds w/ a glass of water on the counter. If it isn’ in a pop pack then count the pills in the container. Again little steps. Have small talks with him. Tell him that you and he are a team. Teams work together. Ask him what he thinks he can do to stablize. Keep the talks short. Baby steps. Help him help himself. Let him do as much as he can on his own just keep a eye on it from a distance without him realizing that is what you are doing. Make a daily list of things he needs to get done. Keep them short. Baby steps. You have been put in a special place in his life. I agree with David it helps if they want to do it as well. That is where honest non-blaming talks come into play. It isn’t you did this and that, it is what can we do to help you? What can you and I do together to help you live a good life? Keep it short. Hope this helps you and your loved one. It can happen for you. Hang in there.

  2. David you are so right to let this women know that it is not her fault. My bipolar son choose to do drugs again with his bipolar girl friend and to sell them to make money. This was his second time and is looking at serious time in jail, he had alot of help and still choose drugs over medication. It hurts to see my son make this choice, but it is his, I have done all I can and no longer fill guilt. John

  3. I can’t tell you how many times I have said the same things as Deborah. I can’t tell you how many times my boyfriend and I have fought, and I have screamed at him that all I am trying to do is help him get well. He won’t take his medication if he consumes alcohol. When I ask him not to drink, we get into a fight and he tells me I am trying to control his life. I have tried to make him understand that in asking him to get and stay stable, I’m not trying to control his life, I am trying to control mine.

    It is difficult to go through the mood swings as a supporter. Sometimes, I truly resent the disease. I get angry when my boyfriend has a “bad day” and he takes his meds and some sleeping pills and falls soundly asleep. Meanwhile, I’m still wound up from a day of flipping moods and have a fitful night’s sleep.

    I guess my point is that you have to make peace with the fact that you have no control over this. If you are at peace knowing you have done all you can to support someone, there should be no guilt in letting go what you can’t control. As important as it is for the sufferer to be well, it too, is important for you to be well. Sometimes that means not being in a situation that makes you unhealthy phisically, mentally and emotionally.

  4. I am in the same situation with my mom right now.
    She is in the middle of an episode and does not want to
    go to the dr or get help. She has an appointment in two weeks and will not go until then. She is scared we are
    going to “commit” her. She definitly needs her meds tweaked or changed. I don’t live with my parents and I am getting constant calls. I am frustrated, upset, stressed, and mad at this whole situation. I feel like
    it has control over me and not the other way around. I would love to know how to get my mom to go to the dr without us having to call an ambulance?

  5. I am in the same situation with my mom right now.
    She is in the middle of an episode and does not want to
    go to the dr or get help. She has an appointment in two weeks and will not go until then. She is scared we are
    going to “commit” her. She definitly needs her meds tweaked or changed. I don’t live with my parents and I am getting constant calls. I am frustrated, upset, stressed, and mad at this whole situation. I feel like
    it has control over me and not the other way around.

  6. When a bipolar person cannot take responsibility for the wrong decisions: 1) lieing, 2)cheating, 3) excessive spending, 3) psycosis associated with the drug usage. (Lexapro, willbutron, prozac, zoloft, zanax, zomig, topamax and others they take, but some of the scripts are in someone else’s name). Have made and project those bad decisions on people around them it is this person who needs help not the people around them.

  7. In order to get what you want, you cannot order the other person, you have to keep communication lines open and discuss the decisions that the person has made in the past and the out come of those decisions will have on the future..

  8. I suggest she ask friends and relatives her husband might respect and listen to to help her.Debora–you should not try to be his only supporter(you will Burn Out)and you must realize spouses are often reluctant to take advice from each other

  9. HI DAVE…..
    Some men are just plain stuban and wont listen sometimes they need a kick up the backside, If he won,t listen to her maybe he might listen to profestional help. Or may be he just dosn,t want help. He might think his life is ok as it is. It might be all 1 sided.
    Take Care Linda x

  10. dear Deborah,

    I am married to my partner just over 2 years. this is my first marriage and my husbands second. before we got married I knew it would be challenging for me to live 24 /7 with my husband. but I also knew he was the man I wanted to marry and would learn lots of good stuff about me too. i work in the area of personal development and counselling so consider myself open and aware of development issues. i guess i was am able to support myself and my husband emotionally before we married.

    I find life really difficult with my husband a lot of the time. he is diagnosed bi-polar 2. he can be verbally and emotionally abusive ( he would call this defending himself) . At present he is sleeping in the guest bedroom, eating there and watching tv there. when I am out of the house he will sit and watch tv in the sitting room, and do odd jobs around the house. he leaves rooms when I enter and will criticise me in front of others… these are some of the eg’s of what i see as emotional abuse.he is working after being out of work for the last 12 months. he’s bright , creative, fun. he is also 11 years older than me.

    Most days I feel despair. we moved to my home town when we got married so having family close is a great support, but its not their life or marriage..

    I survive – by getting a massage fairly regularly.
    – engaging with friends even if only by phone at times.
    -reading practical self help books, e.g. at present ITs Dr Phil’s ‘relationship rescue’ book.
    – I journal in some written form every day
    – I always feel more connected to my own dignity and process when I meditate in the morning.
    -praying , i am a pretty regular church goer.
    – when I do the stuff I keep telling him and myself I will do eg, fulfill my work / career path rather than procrastinate and allow the bad times between us dictate my mood and focus on my plans. what i’m talking about here is holding my dreams and working on them despite what’s happening around me.
    – I have just made an appointmemt with a counsellor to support me.
    – i am learnong to take more responsibility for my behaviour which is harmful, eg. my anger is mine, my shouting is mine , my defensiveness is mine , my fears are alerting me to what hurts me and areas I need to heal..
    – i have really learned the power of forgiveness and letting go of grudges and blame in this relationship, these are definately qualities I have some work to continue to do but , I learned it is empowering for me and my relationship.

    I don’t know my future, but my plan is to have my marriage there in a healthier way.

    However I can’t do this alone and I am only one half of the equation.
    My husband is responsible for his behaviour, his health his attitudes, his beliefs. I can’t control him nor do i want to.

    Its hard , but at the moment I am not willing to let go of the relationship –

    i don’t know if that is helpful as a response but its how i am living at present and some days are really good and some days ( most days at present) are difficult. but I am learning to really commit to me and my dignity.

    Mary

  11. Dear David,
    I have two daughters with bi-polar disorder and battle it myself.One is always angry with me and the other is always heart broken she has the illness.It has almost destroyed her marriage.I try to advise the best i can i love my children all of them.All my kids have either medical issues or mental ones i do feel guilty but know its not my fault.I often battle with my own down times while trying to support them.I am in a relationship now and i have explained about this illness and hes very good.My one daughter fights horrably with me accusing me of being a horrable parent,while others know shes not being honest.Yes her dad and i fell apart but he was mentally ill and refused help i was dealing with so many illnesses from so many sources.Someone had to give.I love all my children.i have always attracted mentally ill men this one has some small issues but i can handle it easily,he has me to deal with and the side affects of my families emotional pain they inflict on me.I have a warm line caller from mental health who calls weekly that helps me avoid venting on my partner.I try hard to not hurt anyone but sometimes i am so hurt and angry i feel horrable.But i explain to everyone its not your faults,i am having a bad moment forgive me i am trying.I don’t use medication but servival techniques and have managed.I am said to be very good at what i do to servive.I think spouses need to know its an illness someone has not something they themselves want,nor is anyone to blame.well thank you and take care.

  12. Sometimes all you can do is give up and save yourself.

    My wife was an alcoholic and did many crazy, insane things that I always attributed to the alcohol. If you’re dealing with a spouse with bipolar you know what I’m talking about. After cleaning out the bank account, disappearing for two months, having an affair and attempting suicide she was diagnosed as bipolar. I did everything I could to try and support her including buying David’s books and trying to help her manage her illness. I have become a laymans expert on bipolar. To say that my life has been hell is an understatement. To make a long, painful story short – three policemen removed my wife from my home on Christmas night, 2008. They took her to the local crisis center where I spent six hours waiting to take her home only to have her leave with her daughter. She has moved in with her daughter and refuses to speak to me. Her daughter says her feelings are hurt because I won’t let her return home. To me it’s just more of the same. “It’s not my fault I’m bipolar. If you love me you’ll take the abuse.”

    I love my wife but I can no longer continue a life with her. She refuses to do what she should to manage her illness and I have to clean up after her and be the good supporter. As much as it hurts me I am divorcing her. I am 56 years old and if I’m lucky enough to live to be 80 I’ve only got 24 more years on this earth and I’m not living them like this anymore. At first I felt guilty about my decision but as the days and weeks have passed I realize it’s all I can do. Coming home to an empty house was painful at first, but soon the incredible stress that I always had wondering what was waiting for me on the other side of that door is now gone. Gone. Going through the Rolodex in my mind of all the painful things she put me through – police, affairs, money gone, lies, accusations – I know it is what I have to do. I have to save myself. I didn’t realize the huge amount of constant stress I lived under. I didn’t realize how small my world had become because of her. I could go on but you all know what I’m talking about.

    If I have one piece of advice for Deborah it would be to save yourself. If you know in your heart that you have done everything that you could to help your husband and he refuses – time to face the harsh reality. The life you have with him now is the life you are going to have with him forever. I too hoped and prayed and worked for a miracle. A miracle that never came. There is a part of me that stills says “Well, if I give it one more chance, maybe this will be the time the miracle shows up”. But all I have to do is look at the pile of broken promises, dreams, finances and wasted years to remind myself that as painful as it is for me to say goodbye – goodbye is the one word that is going to save me. And knowing that she is ill doesn’t make it any easier.

    A friend of mine told me that I looked like I was holding up pretty well considering all I have been through. I told him it has been like watching a slow death. After the initial devastation of her abandonment and affair and getting through that, after her suicide attempt and taking her back home, after multiple hospital stays, I was unconsiously preparing for the end. If she had been diagnosed with terminal cancer I would have supported and loved her the same and would constantly have been praying for the miracle to cure her. But without that miracle the outcome was sure – death. I told my friend that I constantly prayed for the miracle but had been unconsiously preparing for the more probable outcome – the death of her and I as husband and wife. Either by suicide or divorce.

    So, Deborah, no happy endings for us. It all hurts. I can tell you that since I made my decision my life is much, much better. More friends, more family, more money – go figure. Would I rather have my wife by my side? Absolutely. But is that a reality for me? Absolutely not. A sad, sad chapter of my life that needs to be closed.

    As for you David – I thank you for all you do and have done to help those of us trying to support a love one. I’ve recommended your books to mental health professionals whose lack of understanding the illness is mind-boggling and verges on the criminal. I wish I could share a happy ending story with you and Deborah but that is not my reality. I am leaving the Darkness and embracing the Light. May God Bless You All.

    Michael Liljestrom

  13. Hello Deborah,

    I have read your comment to Dave and I think that it’s sad that you are trying your best to help your husband the best way you can. I do agree with Dave that it is not your fault. I have bipolar myself and at times I go into episodes. My family don’t seem to understand my situation and they think it’s a joke. I do see a therapist and a psychiatrist for this. As you can see, I do want to get better and I am seeking help. Your husband can do the same if he wants to. I know of person that has bipolar and she talks about it all the time. Her only problem is that she won’t seek help and she won’t understand why she can’t cope with her children, husband and job. She can’t keep a job because she has attitude that she won’t change for anyone.

    I have bipolar and the only support that I do have is my emails from Dave, my therapist and my psychiatrist. I wish I had someone like you as well. Don’t give up on your husband. The disease is what’s making him that way. I feel that the more you try, the better he will eventually get. I know that he loves you and would do anything for you. Put yourself in his shoe and you will understand his view. You are doing a great job with your husband and he will get better. Have faith and patients with him.

    Thank you.

  14. A supporter can only do what she is allowed to do. She (He) can remind, watch for flags, and try to listen and understand. But if the loved one doesn’t want to be reminded or to know flags are flying or to talk, the supporter is limited (and that is LIMITED) to what they can do. Personally, at this point in my life, I would not support a spouse who was not willing to do what is required to live a somewhat normal life. My loved one is my grown daughter, and that is more than I can hang in there for if she isn’t willing to follow a plan.

  15. When a person experiences a bipolar episode the world becomes very dark. An episode can be brought on by life circumstances even if you do all the right things to maintain stability. It is not necessarily the fault of the bipolar or the supporter. It just is and as such should be dealt with with respect. Now Dave has taught you all the skills so feeling sorry for yourselves is indulgent.

    The first Bipolar support group I went to I was put in the wrong room – with the supporters. The mediator started to my right and asked that person how his week was and what challenges he faced. There were 15 people present and I listened to all 14 supporter’s stories before I asked where the consumer group was meeting. As I listened, I heard a lot of whining about how terrible these supporters’ lives were because their loved ones were sick. I thought “oh my gosh, this is how the world perceives those of us who walk the tight rope of mental illness”. They think it’s all about them.

    I learned a huge lesson that day. I am alone with this terrible illness. It is causing my family unintentional pain, but I am truly alone. I will fight my way through or not, but my supporter will never really understand my distress and pain. Luckily for me I have a fabulous doctor and therapist and now I have my “Dave family” so I feel a little less alone.

    But back to the beginning – when I am in an episode all the knowledge in the world goes out the window and I am alone in a dark & terrible place that I know will be repeated over and over in my lifetime. What I need then is someone to feed me healthy food, isolation to work out in my head the worst of the maelstrom, and very little interference from my family. Yes, you can check on me to see if I’ve killed myself, but don’t make demands. I can’t. I just can’t do what you want or hear you in that place. For the record I am high functioning so don’t need to be told to take my meds or go to the doctor – I call him myself. That must be hard for you.

  16. Hi Dave,
    I just got done going through the yelling and fighting stuff. I’ve been in this relationship for 20 years. I finally put my foot down and demanded that we go and get some help. I thought our relationship was stronger, but it wound up he started seeing another woman and lying to me about it. I haven’t even moved my stuff out yet and she’s already living there. All I can say is if you are with a bi-polar person who refuses to get help, there is no future for you there. Save yourself the grief. If your with one that is seeking help, then you will have a chance to have a future. That person is worth supporting. To Deb, I hope you listened to what Dave said. It isn’t your fault and don’t listen to the words that come out of your loved ones mouth. It’s only the bi-polar talking. I hope what I posted here will help someone and save them from the pain that comes from a person who refuses to get help.

  17. As a supporter I am limited at times by how my bipolar loved one responds to what I have to say. I am not super man or God in this persons life. The supporter can only guide and assist. If the person in an episode refuses to accept or respond to your efforts you cannot force them. At those times I usually go to my prayer closet, ( bathroom) to meditate or pray to gain back my center of balance. That is the one place where my bipolar child usually will not follow and scream at me. She is 9 years old and is about ready to get more medication added on the next visit. She is currently stable. But could come home today totally different than when she left. I have learned to expect the unexpected. My bedroom is a safe zone. She knows she must gain control, if possible, or allow me to help her calm and get her adrinlin level down so the meds can work. If not I retreat to my quiet space and wait until she comes to me. I am always listening and ever watchful of anything new or alarming. But I stay away to avoid becoming angry or hurt by the things she can say and do. When she is back in focus we go clean up the mess and she usually apologizes for things she does remember and we start our evening or morning over. We do not make one episode dwell in our minds more than necessary. I kiss her and ask her if she would like to start the day or evening over she says yes and that is exactly what we do. Just as if the episode never happened. Usually she will bring up the problem later and we discuss how we could have handled it differently. Sometimes I am wrong and sometimes she is wrong. I am not the all knowing nor is she. She is brilliant and can sort out and get things right if she is stable. She is learning as much from me as I am from her. I have lived through teen bipolar disorder to include drugs, alcohol, and sexual misconduct. I have heard just about every ugly nasty name anybody mother can be called. But today I know that none of those words mean anything. That what we have today
    is good because we were able to forgive all those years of abuse and anger. I forgave my daughter and we have a great relationship. We didn’t loose the love but she lost the attitude and found medication, God, and is a productive member of society. I can only change how I think or feel about any given situation, person, place or thing. I cannot be responsible for how the other person thinks or feels about any situation, person, place or thing. Pray and meditation are key to my success in living my life in peace and without resentment, guilt, or a negative attitude towart myself or my loved one.

  18. T MICHAEL: It sounds as if you’ve been through the trials of Job…and looked DEEP into your own soul to find your final solution. My heart feels for you, that you have to leave the womam you once (maybe still) loved; but – that is one of the “crimes” of the illness. If the bipolar person doesn’t want to be helped, or recognize someone reaching out to them in their distress – then the time is ripe to move on. I applaud your taking care of Number One, but know how much it hurts. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    To EDITH: I’ve never read such a compassionate and heartfelt email on this blog. You are a VERY strong woman, and very wise. I remember being told by one psychiatrist, that, when my Mom and I would have a “knock down, drag out” emotionally draining scene, to go to my room and treat it like a nightmare that I would eventually wake up from. This helps in a LOT of ways.

    I can’t make any comments on what is the “straw that breaks the camel’s back” where Supporters are concerned with dealing with their loved one’s illness. When it seems like YOU are disappearing, and taking care of your loved one is ALL-consuming – than I would distance myself from them, and live your OWN life, hopefully with less stress and more joy.

    BIG HUGS to all bipolar survivors and those who love us. May God bless you real good. I pray for my country.

  19. Deborah, I know exactly how you feel, but it is NOT your fault, as Dave said. My husband of 18 yrs is bipolar too, the last “drama” was in Feb, since then there’s been peace and harmony in the home. Blessed! Like you, we had our screaming, yellings, threats whenever he had one of those, which thank God, he had only 4 in the last 9 yrs. But I felt frustrated, angry, despair, sad and threatened to walk out every time, it was so exhausting and draining, to this day I wonder at myself being able to survive, rather “intact”. Through Dave’s website, I learnt to forgive him (not forget – it’s hard) all the abuses he hurled at me, and even telling all and sundry those very personal bits and pieces. But hardest were the abuses, the words that came from his mouth my God (when he’s raving I tell him he’s mad!)but when he’s ok, I tell him what he called me and what he said about me. Of course, he’s all remorseful, oh well I tell myself, it’s not him hurling those abuses.
    But remember Deborah, don’t come on too strong on him, try to back off and let him be, just watch from the sidelines if you can. You’ve got to have a life too and it really takes a toll on you. You learn as go along. If you feel down, try to think there are others out there, going thru the same things you’re going thru right now, makes you feel you’re not alone. Which thankfully I do now. And as the days roll by, you wonder when the next outburst would be. Good luck and hang in there, just like a storm, it will blow over.

  20. Dave,
    It is amazing that some days you sent emails that totally relates to what is going on in my life that day.
    I have been so up set that no matter how well I try to be a good supporter my boyfriend does not appreciate anything and gets so anger about the smallest things and does nothing to try to get alone, but blames me for everything.
    I do love him but I resent the heck out of this diease and I hate the struggle and pain that it causes him, with weight and energy levels,then he blames the medications and will go off of it causing us to argue then its my fault he says that we argue.He says that Iam controlling and bossy, then he gets mad and ignors me and isolates for days and when he isolates to himself he will say the most hurtful things to you to try to make you mad….I’m very concerned about him lately, he isn’t doing alot of things he needs to be doing to stay stable and I’m at my wits end…but I do love him and would do anything to help him get stable and stay stable……so yes I have felt the guilt many times like Deborah has, and I also fight resentment and hate toward this diease…not him.

  21. Dear Deborah,
    I don’t read blogs, so I don’t know if anyone has made this suggestion yet, or not. I’d suggest you try Alanon. It’s the companion program for families and friends of alcoholics, but you could substitute bipolar illness there. You’ll learn abt. healthy detachment and find that co-dependency issues are B.A.I.T.: B.oundaries, A.bandonment, I.ntimacy, and T.rust. You can get yourself some literature and/or books, and read up on the co-dependent ideas. The Big Book of ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’ would be good reading for you. You could also attend any ‘open’ mtgs. of A.A., to aid in your understanding. Best of luck, and keep your mind and heart open, and see what you can learn. ( Alanon or A.A. are in the phone book.)
    Your friend in recovery, Lynn S., Sacramento, CA

  22. honey I know just what you are talking about,I have a 23 year old son that they dignosed at 16 finilly. Before that he was just a spoilt brat I was told and told time after time, and he has had so many med changes and in and out of hospital over and over.when hes at his good point hes great,but wheb hes manic hes a horrible big mean crule little boy of mine.I have a great care manager that has more then a 1000 times pulled me back form what I feel is my death coming.I have MS and I just wont give up on my son his brothers just want me to put him in a home and leave him there they just sure hell be the death of me anyday now,dont give up keep trying and trying again we have to be able to do this I wont give up!

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